Gay and Bisexual Coming-out thread |OT|

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FoneBone said:
That is exactly what "straight-acting" and "I'm gay, but..." equate to, actually.
Yes, I'm sure you've done wonders for gays worldwide.
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Yeah, because I don't celebrate my sexuality yet attend LGBTQA events, rallies, help people with coming out issues, spread awareness... yeah, god I'm such a self-hating gay, all because I don't wrap a rainbow bandanna around my forehead every time I go outside and yell to the world how much I love men, or make it a focal point of every conversation I have with others.
 
Alcoori said:
Well it's gonna be obvious if you ever get involved in a long term relationship, let alone if you marry.
Hard to hide the husband. Oh wait, he's just "a friend".
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I don't think that's what he as saying.

There is a huge difference between actively hiding your sexuality from others and merely not forcing something so commonplace as your sexuality to be the one thing you are known for.

I'd hate to be known as bisexual before anything else. I didn't accomplish my sexuality, it just is who I am. I'm not proud or un-proud, it just is who I am.
 
Siebzehn50 said:
I don't think that's what he as saying.

There is a huge difference between actively hiding your sexuality from others and merely not forcing something so commonplace as your sexuality to be the one thing you are known for.

I'd hate to be known as bisexual before anything else. I didn't accomplish my sexuality, it just is who I am. I'm not proud or un-proud, it just is who I am.
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A bisexual after my own heart.
 
a. I haven't used the term "self-hating"
b. It's not about what you want to do, so much as it is that you seem angered and threatened by those who want to express their sexuality differently than you.

Siebzehn50 said:
I'd hate to be known as bisexual before anything else. I didn't accomplish my sexuality, it just is who I am. I'm not proud or un-proud, it just is who I am.
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Again, the problem isn't with this, it's the argument that it's inherently bad for someone to bring their sexuality more to the forefront than you. If someone wants to wear rainbows everywhere they go, it might not be my thing, but who am I to argue?

I mean, I've spent much of my professional career thus far working for LGBT nonprofits, so clearly being gay is not a small part of my life. Is that somehow harmful to the community? I doubt it.
 
FoneBone said:
a. I haven't used the term "self-hating"
b. It's not about what you want to do, so much as it is that you seem angered and threatened by those who want to express their sexuality differently than you.
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I'm not angered nor am I threatened at all, I just disagree that sexuality should be a definition of someone.

"Internalized homophobia" is the same thing as "self-hating gay."
 
Because to me sexuality, in its most fundamental aspect, relates to private issues such as who you're attracted to, who you sleep with, etc. This kind of stuff shouldn't be some sort of common parlance because they're sensitive issues, gay or straight. I believe there are more important parts about people to learn than who they sleep with, or who they fall in love with.
 
If sexuality was a defining characteristic of who I am then I'd feel inclined to disclose such information to everyone I know. Which I don't. So for me it just isn't as important as other qualities I suppose. I just don't feel like people need to know about it in order to have an understanding of me as a person.
 
Well I disagree, if it's part of who you are as much as everything else, then for people to know that you watch Baywatch while eating Cheerios is as important as knowing you are gay/straight/bi.
 
this is a really bad picture haha but i thought it was relevant to this. do you guys think i'm outting myself to strangers by wearing this rainbow hat?

aMINy.jpg


i thought it was cool because it actually similar to though not as shiny as this:

back-to-the-future-marty-mcfly-hat-0.jpg



i'm on the masculine side of things, but i definitely love bright colours in my clothes haha. you don't have to be effeminate to like rainbows you guys.
 
Alcoori said:
Well I disagree, if it's part of who you are as much as everything else, then for people to know that you watch Baywatch while eating Cheerios is as important as knowing you are gay/straight/bi.
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No one is denying it isn't a part of who you are, it just shouldn't be something that everyone around you has to know 24/7.
 
ZephyrFate said:
No one is denying it isn't a part of who you are, it just shouldn't be something that everyone around you has to know 24/7.
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I don't want anyone assuming I'm straight. So I may not write it across the sky, I'm certainly mentioning my partner any time I want.
 
btkadams said:
this is a really bad picture haha but i thought it was relevant to this. do you guys think i'm outting myself to strangers by wearing this rainbow hat?

aMINy.jpg


i thought it was cool because it actually similar to though not as shiny as this:

back-to-the-future-marty-mcfly-hat-0.jpg



i'm on the masculine side of things, but i definitely love bright colours in my clothes haha. you don't have to be effeminate to like rainbows you guys.
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Can't tell from your pic, but it looks close enough to the BttF2 hat that people would just assume that's what it is... unless they have never seen the movies, in which case they don't count.

I need to wear mine more often, it's a pretty snazzy hat!
 
ZephyrFate said:
Being tactful isn't a quality you like, is it?
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Why would it be tactful to hide my sexuality? To hide my partner of 14 years ever?

That's ludicrous. This is my fucking world. Anyone who doesn't love me can fuck right off. ;)
 
krypt0nian said:
I don't want anyone assuming I'm straight. So I may not write it across the sky, I'm certainly mentioning my partner any time I want.
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Why would it matter if somebody assumed you were straight?

Nobody is suggesting you hide your sexuality, but there is no need to broadcast it when it doesn't make sense.
 
Siebzehn50 said:
Why would it matter if somebody assumed you were straight?
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umm it's not true. And I have a relationship that would be devalued if they thought I was straight.

I'm proud of outlasting most straight couples.

And as to your edit, I am not ashamed of who I am. Just as straight people mention their husbands and wives with great frequency so do I.
 
krypt0nian said:
Why would it be tactful to hide my sexuality? To hide my partner of 14 years ever?

That's ludicrous. This is my fucking world. Anyone who doesn't love me can fuck right off. ;)
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There isn't extremes here -- no one is asking you to hide your sexuality.


almost as if we have straight-phobia going on here
 
ZephyrFate said:
There isn't extremes here -- no one is asking you to hide your sexuality.


almost as if we have straight-phobia going on here
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Then why would it be "tactful"? Explain yourself?

tactful - having or showing a sense of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others

That would be saying there are times when me being gay would be something to be ashamed of.

You chose your words poorly.
 
So how do you make it known to complete strangers that you are gay? Do you literally announce it as you walk into rooms; carry around a bullhorn if you are walking in the store.

Most just assume everyone is straight at sight; I don't see how you can help that unless you are carrying around sandwich boards describing your sexuality. :P
 
The term "straight acting" is stupid because the only thing that makes straight people straight is a sexual attraction towards the opposite sex. There's no such thing as a straight acting gay man who isn't fucking women. (Also, if you take it to mean "masculine," it's almost never true.)
Koomaster said:
Straight-acting to me means not acting like the overblown stereotypical gay man that the media loves to portray. Or as someone else in this or the other thread put it - the campy gay man that is apparently the face of our community.

For all the hate that campy gays get; is it any surprise there is a real use for this term? Since these guys are so loud, there has to be an equally loud descriptor to distance gay men in the community who DON'T identify with campy gays.

Campy gays really are second class citizens in the community partly through their own fault.
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This is completely moronic. Effeminate gays (or straights) hurt nobody by being effeminate. It's just who they are. If you don't like them, it's a problem with you, not with them.

btkadams said:
this is a really bad picture haha but i thought it was relevant to this. do you guys think i'm outting myself to strangers by wearing this rainbow hat?

aMINy.jpg


i thought it was cool because it actually similar to though not as shiny as this:

back-to-the-future-marty-mcfly-hat-0.jpg



i'm on the masculine side of things, but i definitely love bright colours in my clothes haha. you don't have to be effeminate to like rainbows you guys.
Click to expand...
They'll never know you're gay. Gays are supposed to have a sense of style, right?
 
krypt0nian said:
umm it's not true. And I have a relationship that would be devalued if they thought I was straight.

I'm proud of outlasting most straight couples.

And as to your edit, I am not ashamed of who I am. Just as straight people mention their husbands and wives with great frequency so do I.
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Like I said, if it's appropriate it's fine. No need to draw attention to your sexual orientation though.

I'm sorry to say that it's likely the average person walking down the street thinks you're straight. As I said before, who cares?
 
krypt0nian said:
Then why would it be "tactful"? Explain yourself?

tactful - having or showing a sense of what is fitting and considerate in dealing with others

That would be saying there are times when me being gay would be something to be ashamed of.

You chose your words poorly.
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What I'm saying applies to all instances of flagrant flaunting of sexuality, and you're not going to be able to hide from the assumption of being called straight unless you walk around professing your love of cock (an instance of being untactful) everywhere for whatever reason besides attention.

You're the one who keeps assuming I only mean homosexuality when I talk of these things. Being appropriate is what I mean when I use the word 'tact'.
 
Koomaster said:
So how do you make it known to complete strangers that you are gay? Do you literally announce it as you walk into rooms; carry around a bullhorn if you are walking in the store.

Most just assume everyone is straight at sight; I don't see how you can help that unless you are carrying around sandwich boards describing your sexuality. :P
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Like I said. I mention my partner throughout the day. If something we did or have interest in comes up, then he's a part of my day.

It's extremely important to be visible, as most people will say they don't know a gay person.


Just as straight people mention these things throughout their days.

Flauting your sexuality? You've drank of the koolaid. There is no such thing.

How about using "rub int in our faces" next? To complete the Republican buzzword bingo?
 
krypt0nian said:
Like I said. I mention my partner throughout the day. If something we did or have interest in comes up, then he's a part of my day.

It's extremely important to be visible, as most people will say they don't know a gay person.
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Okay, but no one was suggesting you hide anything. You keep saying this as if we're saying, 'don't ever be visible.'

Who the fuck cares what anyone else thinks, though, honestly?
 
ZephyrFate said:
Okay, but no one was suggesting you hide anything. You keep saying this as if we're saying, 'don't ever be visible.'

Who the fuck cares what anyone else thinks, though, honestly?
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I do. I live in a world where I get looks for holding the man I love's hand. I sure as fuck am going to be visible to show people that we're everywhere.

There is no occasion where it would be tactful to hide who I am. If someone assumes I'm straight or have a wife or GF I correct them. Everytime.
 
krypt0nian said:
I do. I live in a world where I get looks for holding the man I love's hand. I sure as fuck am going to be visible to show people that we're everywhere.

There is no occasion where it would be tactful to hide who I am. If someone assumes I'm straight or have a wife or GF I correct them. Everytime.
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I did too when I was married to my ex-wife (she's Hispanic). I didn't constantly mention that I was married to a Hispanic woman though just to make sure that everyone I came into contact with knew about it.
 
Siebzehn50 said:
I did too when I was married to my ex-wife (she's Hispanic). I didn't constantly mention that I was married to a Hispanic woman though just to make sure that everyone I came into contact with knew about it.
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Cool I guess.

I make sure that people around me that I have more than passing contact with, are in the know. I mention it as if it's completely normal and nothing because it is (or should be).

Nothing surreptitious or attention seeking either. Matter of fact.
 
I hope you go into restaurants and tell every single person in there, "Hey, by the way, I'm gay. I like cock. I'm gay. Did you know that? Just thought you'd know. I'm gay. Did you figure?"

And so on and so forth. If not, I'm disappointed.
 
ZephyrFate said:
I hope you go into restaurants and tell every single person in there, "Hey, by the way, I'm gay. I like cock. I'm gay. Did you know that? Just thought you'd know. I'm gay. Did you figure?"

And so on and so forth. If not, I'm disappointed.
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Now that would be rubbing it in their faces! :P
 
ZephyrFate said:
I hope you go into restaurants and tell every single person in there, "Hey, by the way, I'm gay. I like cock. I'm gay. Did you know that? Just thought you'd know. I'm gay. Did you figure?"

And so on and so forth. If not, I'm disappointed.
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I already said people with whom I have more than passing contact. But I have mentioned my partner to waitstaff that asked me if I was waiting for my wife.

I'm disappointed that you think it should be otherwise.

There is no such thing as rubbing it in their faces. We live in a society that rubs hetero-normality in our faces on a constant basis. How sad that you two have chosen to ridicule me when what I'm doing is far more brave and honest.
 
Koomaster said:
So how do you make it known to complete strangers that you are gay? Do you literally announce it as you walk into rooms; carry around a bullhorn if you are walking in the store.

Most just assume everyone is straight at sight; I don't see how you can help that unless you are carrying around sandwich boards describing your sexuality. :P
Click to expand...

Well if you don't talk to them, who cares. If you've just met them, depends what you're talking about. If the person mentions their bf/gf/spouse, there's no reason not to do the same.

We're obviously not talking about telling everyone how you took a giant dick without cringing last night.

ZephyrFate said:
Gotta show those heteros, fuck their rights!
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Right to what?
And btw, if you enter a restaurant with your bf/husband, yes you're shouting to the world you're gay. Or do you think that you should show tact and act like it's just a friend?
 
krypt0nian said:
I already said people with whom I have more than passing contact. But I have mentioned my partner to waitstaff that asked me if I was waiting for my wife.

I'm disappointed that you think it should be otherwise.
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You're only disappointed that I choose to not share my private life with every single person I ever meet. That's not an internalized-homophobic decision, it's a tactful, respecting-myself-and-my-partner decision. And at the core of it I don't give a fuck what others think.

I think it's a shame that you feel the need to define yourself by who you fuck. Is there nothing else important about you?

Tact revolves around conversation, not about walking into a restaurant, Alcoori.
 
ZephyrFate said:
You're only disappointed that I choose to not share my private life with every single person I ever meet. That's not an internalized-homophobic decision, it's a tactful, respecting-myself-and-my-partner decision. And at the core of it I don't give a fuck what others think.
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You honestly are hiding from the truth. I thought better of you.

This is not our private life. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Equating being partnered to the man I love to saying I love cock is very telling.
 
krypt0nian said:
I already said people with whom I have more than passing contact. But I have mentioned my partner to waitstaff that asked me if I was waiting for my wife.

I'm disappointed that you think it should be otherwise.
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I probably wouldn't bother. I'm trying to think of an appropriate comparison. It would be like if I was married to a guy and they asked if I was waiting for my boyfriend, I wouldn't bother to correct the detail as it doesn't really matter. The waiter doesn't care about the details of my relationship, they were just being nice.

It has nothing to do with being ashamed, it's just that the perfect stranger talking to me really doesn't care.
 
Roto13 said:
The term "straight acting" is stupid because the only thing that makes straight people straight is a sexual attraction towards the opposite sex. There's no such thing as a straight acting gay man who isn't fucking women. (Also, if you take it to mean "masculine," it's almost never true.)This is completely moronic. Effeminate gays (or straights) hurt nobody by being effeminate. It's just who they are. If you don't like them, it's a problem with you, not with them.
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Straight acting is a stereotype; and it gets the point across. It's perfectly reasonable to use and nobody thinks it means you fuck women. Also you guys who are claiming the straight-acting thing is never true, not sure who you are meeting, but everyone I've met who used that term to describe themselves was accurate.

Effeminate gays don't hurt anyone except themselves acting the way they do. They ARE the stereotype of a gay man that people have come to believe. This is why gay men who don't identify as this stereotype use terms like straight acting, or say that being gay is not a big part of them. You don't want to be instantly judged as that stereotype.
 
Siebzehn50 said:
I probably wouldn't bother. I'm trying to think of an appropriate comparison. It would be like if I was married to a guy and they asked if I was waiting for my boyfriend, I wouldn't bother to correct the detail as it doesn't really matter. The waiter doesn't care about the details of my relationship, they were just being nice.
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Being nice assuming I'm straight and I'm not. So I let them know.

Nothing in your face about it.

You don't care. I do.
 
krypt0nian said:
You honestly are hiding from the truth. I thought better of you.

This is not our private life. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Equating being partnered to the man I love to saying I love cock is very telling.
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If you're going to assume things about my character based off this conversation then we're going nowhere and you're just getting catty, which, really, is your shtick.

And at the end of the day us not caring doesn't mean we don't share the fact that we're gay, we just don't broadcast it out a god damn megaphone.
 
krypt0nian said:
Being nice assuming I'm straight and I'm not. So I let them know.

Nothing in your face about it.

You don't care. I do.
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No, it's not really in your face and I don't really see a problem with it. You are just judging people in this thread because they wouldn't bother.
 
ZephyrFate said:
If you're going to assume things about my character based off this conversation then we're going nowhere and you're just getting catty, which, really, is your shtick.
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Whatever you want to think. I'm seriously sad that you of all people choose to keep this your "private life" as if it's anything to be ashamed of.

I grew out of that and realized that it's important to me to live in truth. Enough of it though. You have your views and I have mine.
 
ZephyrFate said:
But isn't that what we want? Isn't that what we should all do? Gotta show those heteros, fuck their rights!
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What?

Are you like one of those people who thinks you shouldn't be allowed to refer to homosexuality in your XBLA profile because some parents don't want their kids to know that gays exist?
Koomaster said:
Effeminate gays don't hurt anyone except themselves acting the way they do. They ARE the stereotype of a gay man that people have come to believe. This is why gay men who don't identify as this stereotype use terms like straight acting, or say that being gay is not a big part of them. You don't want to be instantly judged as that stereotype.
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They hurt themselves by making people hate them for no valid reason. Yup. That's the way that works. In the mind of a homophobe, anyway.
 
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