The times when my depression was really bad are difficult to put into words. People who haven't been depressed asked me if it was like being in a really bad mood, or feeling really, really sad. It's not like that at all. It's not a mood or an emotion. Depression is like being exposed to a truth about reality that is so full of sorrow and misery that it shuts down the very part of you that exists as a human being. It's like being told that everything good about life was a lie and that the biggest lie of all is you. But you're not just thinking about these awful truths, you are the awful truth — and you become that feeling.
People have also asked me, "Why can't you just snap out of it?" Trying to "snap out" of depression is like trying to eat food when you're nauseated. It's like trying to stay awake when you've taken a dozen sleeping pills. It's like trying to run a race where you're underwater and everyone else is on dry land. It takes an extraordinary amount of strength just to exist in the midst of a depression. Just breathing with your lungs takes a full-blown conscious effort. You feel like you don't want to do anything ever again. You feel like you don't want to be. And then you feel bad for feeling that. And so on.
The fact that it's so hard for other people to understand what it's like to feel severely depressed can add to the feelings of frustration and alienation. Depression distorts and stains every aspect of yourself and the world around you and rips away at everything that is happy and beautiful, as though the façade of joy has been removed from everything you once held dear. It's like having a fever in your soul. It's like what the end of the world tastes like.
In addition to these overwhelming physical feelings of terrifyingly bleak depression, I've also continuously wrestled with a long list of other low emotions: frustration, jealousy, resentment, anger, rage, hatred, violent impulses, paranoia, and feelings of hopelessness, exhaustion, despair, selfishness, self-pity, and low self-esteem. Mixed in with these feelings have also been extreme shyness, anxiety, fear and dread, and a general feeling of guilt about having all these feelings in the first place. I've never had a justifiable reason to feel this bad, and that made me feel even worse. I have a good life and good people around me, so why can't I just be happy all the time? I'm still trying to find that answer.