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Girl/Dating Age Part 2: A combined effort to give advice for those in need
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Etrian Oddity said:Just deleted the ho's number so she isn't getting any more attention from me anyway.
I just wish I knew whether there was actually something wrong with my personality/character, or if I genuinely just have terrible luck in meeting women. I know men far more repulsive than me (both physically and in personality) who put me to shame in the ass they can slam; I just want to know wtf my problem is.
It's that.
Unless you're a complete creep, asshole, socially awkward, ugly or smell bad, it's most likely not your fault.
This shit is a number's game. A gamble. The only thing you have 100% control of is yourself. You can tell yourself what to do, what to say and whether you want to continue or bail. The same cannot be said when dealing with another human being.
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Cubsfan23
I AM Brent Smith
(Today, 04:29 PM)
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Jaladinozozo
Banned
Mully said:
Jaladinozozo said:
I just wanted to follow up on this for Mully, and say that I have been in your situation before. Except there was no alcohol involved and I still made a monster out of myself and showed the person that I have been closest to thus far in my life my worst just as easily as I showed her my best.
The best thing you can do is just leave her alone. Cut off all contact; stop looking at her FB/twitter/whatever. You have to move on with your own life and learn from your mistakes and try to become a better person. I know it sounds cliché, but just focus on you. Focus on your career/school, start reading good books, get out of your comfort zone and embrace being on your own and doing new things and meeting new people.
The more you try to intervene and fix things, the worse you are going to make it. You are going to push her away even more, and if you actually do get back together, nothing will change, because you haven't changed, and all the same problems will come back at you again. I am sure she is not a perfect person herself and has her own share of problems and issues, and this time will allow her to grow as a person as well.
Follow this advice, and the best case scenario is that after a few months if not years (real change is a slow and gradual process) you will be a better person that has grown and learned from their mistakes, and if there is still anything between you two, any feelings or connection that is still there, she will see this in you and you can start over.
Worst case scenario is that she has disappeared from your life, but you are still a better person that has grown and learned from their mistakes, and you will find somebody else.
Jaladinozozo
Banned
Yea its from the Scarlet Letter. I have been reading a lot of "classics" lately, mainly from Melville, Hawthorne, Emerson, Shakespeare, Marlowe, Whitman, etc. Lots of good overall wisdom and life advice from these great writers and minds.
RedHerring
Neo Member
Other people have made good points in response to this already, the things people want are generally the same, and that applies to friendships and relationships alike. The unemployed analogy sort of works except that you do have experience with friendships which can be applied to relationships. There is not much separating friendships and relationships really beyond physical intimacy (which explains all the discussion of kino here, which can accurately be compared with first-time unemployment for some people in this thread).Danj said:
What a relationship boils down to is compatible personalities, same as a friendship, but to a higher degree. Hence why we can afford to be extremely picky when it comes to relationships.
By telling someone I know to stop fishing (and I would say this to anyone), I'm confronting them to let them know that I'm not interested in being used as a foil for their insecurities. That's effectively a prerequisite of mine for being anything more than an acquaintance. Since I know and express what I want, it's much easier to determine compatibility - if a girl were to get defensive or even offended, it'd be clear that she probably wouldn't be suitable even as friends.
I apologise if I'm not getting my points across very well here. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you don't require any secret knowledge or experience to know and express what you want in a relationship. Saying what you're not interested in upfront (in a friendly, playful manner) like I suggested is simply a way to speed up rejection from a person who probably wasn't well suited to you anyway. On the flipside, assertiveness and the ability to surprise endears you to those who you are compatible with, and those people will feel privileged to be with you. My girlfriend is the perfect example of this, as she's very polarising (probably too much). She can be very upfront and confrontational, which is enough to intimidate people and put them off. On the other hand, people who do like her, like her a lot. Her male friends fall for her all the time, and I think a lot of it has to do with her willingness to confront people on what they say and do (emphasising that this is always done in a friendly, playful manner).
Etrian Oddity said:Just deleted the ho's number so she isn't getting any more attention from me anyway.
I just wish I knew whether there was actually something wrong with my personality/character, or if I genuinely just have terrible luck in meeting women. I know men far more repulsive than me (both physically and in personality) who put me to shame in the ass they can slam; I just want to know wtf my problem is.
I know man I've been there. You have to stop worrying about other guys and what they get from girls. You're getting to caught up in the "wtf is wrong with me" shit. Stay focused on yourself. There will always be guys better looking than you, that have more money than you, and that get more girls than you.
You just have to keep pushing forward and improving yourself. One day an opportunity is going to present itself to you and you will meet the most wonderful girl you have ever met. You should be preparing your mind/body to feel that moment and when it happens grab that opportunity by the balls and take it.
That opportunity may come tomorrow or come some other day, but it will come. You just don't want to be that guy who says to himself "Well I got no shot I just have bad luck with these things." You need to face those demons and tell them to stfu.
Look at the top left of this web page and read what's below NeoGAF......BELIEVE. I believe in you. I look forward to reading your success story in the future.
kid ness said:
Update: Concert was amazing; the music was great and we were vibing off each other pretty well -- we both had a great time. We went to the concert on Sunday and hadn't had much conversation since, but we did already make plans before the night ended to go to this awesome chinese takeout place in town.
She's really busy with dance school -- I had texted her back on Monday (she initiated) and hadn't got a response so I figured it was now or never. I sent a text saying "Hey I had a lot of fun the other night. There's this awesome pizza place I've been meaning to go back to for a while either Saturday afternoon or Monday night, lemme know if you'd want to come, I think it'd be a good time."
I get a text back pretty soon saying, "Hey, sorry I haven't been responding, I've been very busy with school etc, I'd love to go. Just let me know what time"
So I texted back a time and she said she'd be in school then, and with my next message which I'm pretty sure I screwed up with, I told her just let me know when she'd be free. I know the ball's now in her court -- I just didn't want to play the guessing game to determine when she was free. Needless to say, that was three hours ago and I haven't gotten a response. GAF, should I be worrying?
DualShadow
Member
kid ness said:
I know how you feel man, I got this chicks number the other weekend and we were chatting a fair bit so I organised a meet-up and she said she was busy, so I just told her to let me know when she was free and we'll organise something else, haven't heard back. Shit sucks especially after she responded positively every time it came up.
So....Next!
DualShadow
Member
soultron said:
I know what you're trying to say, but when you're texting back and forth within 5-10min then all of a sudden you don't get a reply for a while it's a bit strange.
DualShadow
Member
kid ness said:
I don't mind that much, at least this way the ball is in her court and I don't have to worry about it. Better then me trying to set up a few dates with her just always being 'busy' and just enjoying the attention.
In my opinion, it's really not.DualShadow said:
Sometimes I'll be busy on transit, doing homework, napping, at work, at the gym, or just plain won't have reception. During these times, I won't text. I don't have to update whoever I'm texting with information about how or when I'm getting back to them. I will get back to them at my next available convenience. If they start to freak about my lack of prompt response, that's their own fault. If they wanted a prompt response and/or continuous, uninterrupted communication, they're free to phone me.
kid ness: you're doing fine. I would've skipped out on the "I had a great time" bit, but if the girl's truly interested, she'll come back at you with a time that works. If not, she's not interested (or interested enough) for things to happen. Don't stress and don't ask again.
The Shadow
Member
No, it's not. People have lives and sometimes they have to put down the phone to attend to it. Don't be co-dependent and needy.DualShadow said:
DualShadow
Member
soultron said:
Completely agree mate, that's why I don't worry about it if/when a girl replies anymore.
But there can be a difference between not being able to reply and just dodging questions.
DualShadow said:
I don't see how it's dodging questions.
edit: My opinion is this on first dates: either she's genuinely busy or not interested in you. If you think she's worth it, ask her again in a week or two's time. ONCE. Of course go for it if she says yes, but forget about her if she still drops the busy line.
Alright Girl-age, diagnose this for me.
Last Dec, I met this girl, we talked on the phone/texted for a few days and a week or so later we went out on a date. It wasn't a great date imo, but it was fun. She said she was sick at the end, but we had been there a good 2 1/2 hours talking without a problem. In any case, we went our separate ways, continued texting/talking, but any time we'd create any plans, they always fell through, usually on her end. In any case, at some point towards the end of the month I tried making plans for New Year's, she agreed, and luckily before I put any serious money into going anywhere, she cancelled on me again. Had to work, fine, her job field dictates lots of hours + school, so I can understand being busy, but eventually, the excuse started to wear on me and I made some snide remarks along the lines of "when you find the time, call me." So, NYE, I spent the night texting back and forth with her and both of us (mostly her) came to the conclusion that things aren't working out. IMO, she was stringing me along, maybe she actually was that busy, but it just wasn't working for me.
This is only mildly important.
There was something I posted on FB at some point that she responded to a few weeks later (late jan) and we started talking a bit again, but nothing really like in december, needless to say, the conversations weren't really going anywhere and we just stopped texting at some point, but I never removed her off of fb, but did delete the number off my phone, just cause I'm prone to drunk texting.
Fast forward to last night around 2am.
Notes:
at some point over the summer she got a boyfriend
quick runthrough her fb profile page seems to show they're still together
I wouldn't say we had the most amicable split
We weren't friends to begin with
The context of the message itself isn't anything to write home about, but the actual act of sending me a message just kinda struck me as weird.
I'm not exactly losing sleep over this, minor issue really, but it was fresh in my mind and I generally enjoy reading this thread to see what advice people give.
Considered posting something else a few weeks ago, but it's a much larger issue and I kind of want to keep that public but in a more "directly available only to those who I'm close to" public way.
Thoughts?
Last Dec, I met this girl, we talked on the phone/texted for a few days and a week or so later we went out on a date. It wasn't a great date imo, but it was fun. She said she was sick at the end, but we had been there a good 2 1/2 hours talking without a problem. In any case, we went our separate ways, continued texting/talking, but any time we'd create any plans, they always fell through, usually on her end. In any case, at some point towards the end of the month I tried making plans for New Year's, she agreed, and luckily before I put any serious money into going anywhere, she cancelled on me again. Had to work, fine, her job field dictates lots of hours + school, so I can understand being busy, but eventually, the excuse started to wear on me and I made some snide remarks along the lines of "when you find the time, call me." So, NYE, I spent the night texting back and forth with her and both of us (mostly her) came to the conclusion that things aren't working out. IMO, she was stringing me along, maybe she actually was that busy, but it just wasn't working for me.
This is only mildly important.
There was something I posted on FB at some point that she responded to a few weeks later (late jan) and we started talking a bit again, but nothing really like in december, needless to say, the conversations weren't really going anywhere and we just stopped texting at some point, but I never removed her off of fb, but did delete the number off my phone, just cause I'm prone to drunk texting.
Fast forward to last night around 2am.
Notes:
at some point over the summer she got a boyfriend
quick runthrough her fb profile page seems to show they're still together
I wouldn't say we had the most amicable split
We weren't friends to begin with
The context of the message itself isn't anything to write home about, but the actual act of sending me a message just kinda struck me as weird.
I'm not exactly losing sleep over this, minor issue really, but it was fresh in my mind and I generally enjoy reading this thread to see what advice people give.
Considered posting something else a few weeks ago, but it's a much larger issue and I kind of want to keep that public but in a more "directly available only to those who I'm close to" public way.
Thoughts?
The difference is mostly your interpretation of the reasoning. If you're a confident guy with enough shit going on, you'll be so busy that you won't even care. This applies no matter if you've one woman on the go or multiple prospects.DualShadow said:
If you're a really nervous dude who either has the spare time or creates the time to stress about every passing unanswered second, you're going to think she's dodging you.
Be busy. Be confident.
Being busy means you're probably improving yourself in some way. Be it working at a job and upping your bankroll, or even studying hard in school to advance your career.
Being confident means you'll know exactly how to deal with the outcome, no matter how long it takes to arrive -- or even if it never arrives.
DualShadow
Member
soultron said:
Like I mentioned it doesn't bother me if/when a girl replies.
I'm a busy dude with work/sports/social life/etc.
If/when they reply I'll deal with it then.
manipulate
Member
First post this thread. HELP ME NEOGAF.
I've been single for about 4 months, I've only hooked up with a couple of girls in that period. Today I randomly ran into this girl I knew from uni (~3 years ago). She's super hot, I used to have a big crush on her but I always thought she was way out of my league (even though I hate that phrase/idea). Anyway I said hi and asked her how she's going and she told me about her travels and stuff.. and then she said "oh we should do something" and asked me for my number.
I was fuckin elated but now I don't know what the fuck to do! When should I text her? Should I try and set up something immediately or should I try and chat with her a bit first? Apologies if I sound a bit pathetic, it's been the first time in ages I've been genuinely excited about a specific girl.
I've been single for about 4 months, I've only hooked up with a couple of girls in that period. Today I randomly ran into this girl I knew from uni (~3 years ago). She's super hot, I used to have a big crush on her but I always thought she was way out of my league (even though I hate that phrase/idea). Anyway I said hi and asked her how she's going and she told me about her travels and stuff.. and then she said "oh we should do something" and asked me for my number.
I was fuckin elated but now I don't know what the fuck to do! When should I text her? Should I try and set up something immediately or should I try and chat with her a bit first? Apologies if I sound a bit pathetic, it's been the first time in ages I've been genuinely excited about a specific girl.
Jamesfrom818
Banned
So I've been hanging out with a 20 year old who moved to LA recently to become an actress. I'm 28. I like her and she's really hot but she makes me feel old sometimes. She didn't know who Lucille Ball and Ginger (from Gilligan's Island) were and while we were reading some books at Urban Outfitters, she didn't get a When Harry Met Sally reference.
Jamesfrom818 said:
I wouldn't worry about this too much. Every girl you meet is going to have different personalities no matter the age. When I crack a joke from a reference like you did and they don't get it I just laugh it off. Then I'll explain why it's funny because of X show or whatever.
Hopefully you can find something in common or create your own inside jokes. I always liked created inside jokes with girls because that starts to build the relationship and most off all you an make her laugh at any time.
Example: I went on a date with a girl at Busch Gardens and we got off a roller coaster. She had a wet spot on her pants near her crotch area. I said "Damn girl did you just wet yourself?" She replies back with lolz and "OMG no no you must have spit on me when you were screaming"
Ever since then I could joke with her about making her wet or her pissing her pants and she would always joke back about me spitting on her.
thisis4neogaf
Neo Member
Not all of us grew up watching (and retaining) popular TV/movies! My boyfriend gives me the "omg-how-do-you-not-know-this-reference" 98% of the time he makes a reference (same age).Jamesfrom818 said:
What I'm saying is that you feeling old is your own insecurity. Don't blame that on her.
-PXG- said:
Well, what I was trying to express was that for some people, this would not be obvious until you already know about it. Now that I've seen it written here, I can say that yes, I agree that all of those things are things that I would want, and in consequence I am slightly less clueless than I was before. I think it's useful for people to remember that not everything is obvious to everyone in this thread.
Anyway, thanks for clearing that up.
lawlohwhat
Banned
Miguel said:
While I agree with the above posts in that she is probably just seeking attention or drinking or whatever, I think you should reframe the entire thought process. It shouldn't ever be 'why would she do x y or z' but rather 'It's novel that this person sent me a message, but it is meaningless and I'm busy doing x y and z'.
Coming in here to ask this question indicates that you might still have something invested in this person, and that is not an ideal place to be.
Etrian Oddity
Member
-PXG- said:
You two are absolute gentlemen, thanks for keeping my senses about me.Spacebar said:
On a related note, I hate when this scenario happens: Last semester I spotted a girl on campus several times, but as I was a scrub back then I never did anything. Lately I've seen her popping up a lot at functions and extracurricular stuff or out in the clubs, but I've never gotten a clean shot at approaching her. >.> Always either on the opposite side of the room flanked w/a ton of her friends or I'll be *this* close to getting an opportunity and then a crowd will rush between us.
The worst part is that because I've anticipated this so much she's been unwittingly placed on the pedestal. Even if I do get a clean shot to approach her, I fear I've built it up in my head so much it'll be a disaster. >_<
samus i am
Member
Heading out on a second date with the chick I mentioned from a couple pages back. It should be awesome!
The Shadow
Member
Something I saw that I thought I'd pass along since a few people have mentioned it before. Real Reasons Women Go "Poof"
There's a lot of reasons a girl may not email you back on a dating site, or friend you on Facebook, or not text you back, or whatever. Don't stress over it.
I would say stop waiting for the "perfect opportunity" and make it one. So what if she's surrounded by friends. Go up to her and make it casual. Say that you've seen her around campus. Mention specifics like, "I've always seen you around Biology. Is that your major?"
My advice on fighting nerves is to think of something else. Over-thinking about the approach or what to say is what's going to cause you to say something off the wall, or stutter, or whatever else. So, don't think about it. Think about something else up until you actually approach her.
There's a lot of reasons a girl may not email you back on a dating site, or friend you on Facebook, or not text you back, or whatever. Don't stress over it.
Etrian Oddity said:
I would say stop waiting for the "perfect opportunity" and make it one. So what if she's surrounded by friends. Go up to her and make it casual. Say that you've seen her around campus. Mention specifics like, "I've always seen you around Biology. Is that your major?"
My advice on fighting nerves is to think of something else. Over-thinking about the approach or what to say is what's going to cause you to say something off the wall, or stutter, or whatever else. So, don't think about it. Think about something else up until you actually approach her.
Things are starting to improve little by little.
I've been to three AA meetings this week, the gym five times, and ran five times this week. It was really hard to not look at her Twitter, Facebook, tumblr, etc. However after reading all of your advice and taking friend's advice I deactivated my Facebook, stopped following her on Twitter and blocked her Tumblr. I even deleted her from my phone. Things were going great until last night when I get a drunk text from her saying:
I didn't respond, but it's been in my head the entire day. I tried running it off, working it off, writing it off, but nothing is working. I still love her and she does me, but we need time off to work this out. Specifically, I need this time off to change myself.
I'm just going to continue doing what I have to do and ignore her the best I can. Until her and I feel that it's ok to talk again. She still wants to talk around Thanksgiving Break.
I've been to three AA meetings this week, the gym five times, and ran five times this week. It was really hard to not look at her Twitter, Facebook, tumblr, etc. However after reading all of your advice and taking friend's advice I deactivated my Facebook, stopped following her on Twitter and blocked her Tumblr. I even deleted her from my phone. Things were going great until last night when I get a drunk text from her saying:
I didn't respond, but it's been in my head the entire day. I tried running it off, working it off, writing it off, but nothing is working. I still love her and she does me, but we need time off to work this out. Specifically, I need this time off to change myself.
I'm just going to continue doing what I have to do and ignore her the best I can. Until her and I feel that it's ok to talk again. She still wants to talk around Thanksgiving Break.
Blader5489 said:
I gotta say though. It's so hard not to look. I've talked to this girl for nearly three years straight for atleast 30 minutes everyday. Now I'm really not allowed to talk to the girl for a while and it's hard not to.
I've read that if I want her back, I first must change and terminate all communications with her for atleast a month. If that's what I have to do, I'll do it.
NeOak said:
Thank you sir.
lawlohwhat
Banned
Mully said:
I know that it's difficult, but this attitude is very unhealthy. Acting on the basis of getting her back can easily backfire and doesn't help you grow for your next relationship. Your goal shouldn't be to get her back, because you might get a month or two away from now and discover that she has a new boyfriend, you aren't as compatible as you thought, or whatever other mitigating circumstance that might develop between you two.
Point being, you would still be subordinate to her for this period of time, negating your own life as a result. By only acting in the interest of attaining an object of desire, you are doing a disservice to both of your lives as individuals. This kind of attitude is bred from the materialistic and possessive matrix that most of us are addicted to living in, and it often ruins lives.
The only way that getting back together with someone will work is by spending time apart to rediscover yourself, and then applying the knowledge you've gained over that period of growth to reevaluate whether or not you want this person that close to you.
Fisticuffs
Member
Wow, so I just broke up with my girlfriend, which I won't get into (long story). This is my first time being the dumper and I must say.. now that I've done it, i think i'd rather be the one dumped. I feel so guilty even though it was justified and I worry about her. I do not love her anymore but I still care about her. I don't know. She cried and asked me to give her a chance but I held my ground. In my heart I knew we would both be unhappy in the end so I know I'm doing her a favor as well but I hate to hurt people.
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