I recently broke up with a girl I'd been seeing long-distance (city to city in the UK -- not like whole other country or anything)... I already knew her, I'd met her a few years prior. The first 6 months or so were exciting, lovely and absolutely awesome. This girl has serious issues, and a pretty fucked up past - something that affects her everyday life - but in spite of that, she's one of the lovlier, more sane, and level-headed girls I've ever met. Within the first few weeks she said to me "you're going to dump me", referring to her belief that I'd get fed up of her issues or something... and part of the problem starts here, because I hate being told what I'm going to do. I don't know if this was her intention or not, but this solidified in my mind that I would *never* dump this girl. Never. I just knew that she'd never do me any real wrong, so I'd be bang out of order to dump her because of any problems with her health or occasional issues with physical intimacy. I'd basically have to be a complete arsehole to do that. I knew what I was getting into. If it had to end, she'd have to be the one to call time on it and dump me.
She met my family, and came to stay with me in my home town, and where I live now. I only ever visited her at her home once really. My biggest regret is that I let her do a lot of the legwork and never really showed her enough effort or gave myself enough 'value' in the relationship. Somewhere around the 9 month mark we bickered over something silly, and I wasn't really in the right frame of mind -- I made it worse basically. From then on things were never really the same, but we kept talking every day and seeing each other. There were a couple of moments where I thought it wasn't working, and when I went out and met other girls or spoke with old flames, I wondered what the hell I was doing... but whenever I sat down and thought about it properly, I knew this girl was amazing and worth riding out any kind of bullshit for.
I'd say it was still salvageable at this point, but the first alarm bells started to ring when Christmas and her Birthday came and went and we hadn't really hooked up. She'd gone away with her family and wasn't very well over the winter, I went home to my family over the holiday as well. In February I began to insist pretty heavily that we see each other, and it caused her to have a sort of panic attack about seeing me. I calmed her down, we got together, exchanged gifts, and she looked really sick and shaky. I asked her mother if it was anything to do with me, and she assured me it wasn't, so at this point - I knew I should probably back off a bit -- I figured, we'd see each other again when she's better, when she feels ready. I was fine with that.
6 months passed. We were still talking every day, keeping each other up to date. The one change was that she'd started saying that she didn't like me saying she looked good, or that I loved her... my flatmates started getting in my ear about how this was a ridiculous state of affairs and that I should insist on seeing her, tell her how I feel and get it resolved one way or the other. My gut said it was probably a bad idea to put any pressure on her, because she's really not well, but my mind could see the rationale in insisting we meet up and sort things out... Gradually, she became more inconsisent about picking up her phone, and when on the phone she'd be evasive and we'd somehow avoid any discussion about the relationship... the only way I felt I could get my frustrations over was in writing so I put it in an email. Whatever I said obviously gave some very incorrect impressions...
I met up with her, we had a meal together, went for a walk and a chat and she said she was freaked out by the email. She said that she thinks I want to settle down and have kids (I don't) and that she's not ready for that. She said she wasn't well enough for the pressure I was putting on her, or well enough to be in a relationship with someone. She said that she hadn't really thought of us as in a relationship since February(!) and that she'd tried to tell me but I hadn't listened. Things had certainly gone off the boil between us, and I'd noticed, but nothing was explicit - and thats the annoying thing - I never knew where I stood... why were we still talking and updating each other every day? Why did we never address the relationship directly? It was a complete lack of honest communication. She said she'd still like us to be friends, and asked what the difference would be between just being friends, and 'just-talking' the way we had been for the last 6 months. She said "who knows where we'll both be in 2 years"...
I was upset at the time of this conversation with her, but now I'm more kind of agitated. I know I'm not great, and maybe all that talk was just her trying to let me down easy, but frankly - I just feel like she'd been an indecisive coward. That she was unable to decide what she wanted with me is one thing, I can chalk that up to her problems, the fact I'm no adonis, and the current indirection / instability in my life. That she was too much of a coward to tell me, directly and clearly, that there was nothing 'there' for the last 6 months is something else...
I do love the girl and I want the very best for her, she doesn't deserve the shit she's had in her life, and she deserves to be happy... but it shouldn't have gotten to the point where my flatmates were telling me "do something about this, Tom". I should have done more to keep us communicating properly, and/or ended it a long time before she did. I'm mourning the loss of a good friend / lover, but also - all of our wasted time. And it was a waste. For both of us.
She said she doesn't want me waiting for her to get better, and that I should move on and find someone else, but I feel sick and miserable just thinking about women at the moment. I don't know if getting back on the game is what I need or if I need a good solid break from everyone and everything... maybe just total change... there's a lot of that going on in my life at the moment. I've got 2 jobs, which is great, because its kept me too busy to dwell on things. I'm applying for voluntary redundancy in my main job, and if I don't get it - my jobs moving to another City anyway, so I'll be moving home, one of my flatmates has moved out and another is going soon too... my whole circle of friends and way of life is going to change whether I like it or not. Everything is changing, and she's the one person I wish hadn't. She was so affectionate, empathetic and warm. In terms of the sex - it was intense and passionate and probably the best connection I've ever had with anyone.. but in recent times, she'd been emotionally distant, cold, and physically unable to even touch a guy without freaking out. Well the latter is what she claims anyway. Who the fuck knows if she's being legit and honest about her therapy and her problems... who the fuck knows. I really miss her, but I'm doing the right thing and staying the hell away.
that's what your avatar is right?
