Zekes! said:
Alright, I need some opinions/advice about how I handled admitting to my friend I had feelings for her.
I've known her for just over a year now. Basically from the moment I met her I had a crush on her, and we became really great friends really quickly. Due to her interest in other guys and how it was apparent she thought nothing more of me than "just a friend" I decided not to pursue her in that way and managed to put my feelings for her out of my head for a while.
Fast forward to this year. We decided to apply to the same university in Toronto and move there next Fall. Over the last few months my feelings for her have resurfaced, and stronger than before, and have been steadily growing.
Anyways, basically she emailed me a couple hours ago telling me how giddy and excited she is, 'cause this guy she's been fawning over, who lives in Toronto, sent her an email telling her he wants to take her some where when she comes and yadda yadda. I ended up replying to her telling her how I felt about her. My email was simple and to the point. I said what I felt like I needed to say and that was it. I felt like I needed to get it off my chest so I could take some time out and relax and forget about it.
She hasn't replied yet, but I'm thinking of taking some "time off" for a bit and just collecting myself and moving on. I want to stay friends with her, 'cause she really is an awesome friend, but it always gets weird after things like this.
So, opinions/advice?
It's a shame that you told her how you feel like this. Perhaps she will respond positively, but since you've been friends for a long time I'd say the odds are slim. The good news is that assuming she takes it reasonably, you ought to be able to get over her and stay friends. Telling someone you like them by email...it's more of a confession than a courting. In my experience it's very difficult and rare to have your feelings reciprocated in the case of a confession. That would have to mean that underneath all of her actions with you she was really attracted to you, and too nervous to do anything about it, and that you were of course the exact same way, and that neither of you picked up on the others' feelings before. Quite an ask!
The thing about flirting and courting is that it's all to do with making the other person question "does or doesn't he (like me)?". The resulting tension, assuming the courtee is aware of it, leads him or her to consider at length whether or not the other person would make a suitable partner. The confession approach, on the other hand, generally comes out of left-field. It forces the receiver to make a snap judgement, and can often feel intrusive. If you've ever been on the receiving end of a confession from a girl then you'll know it's not exactly fun - this other person is depending upon you to make a big decision quickly, and then to announce out loud your feelings/intentions.
Another disadvantage to the confession is that it can be construed by the person on the receiving end of one as intellectually dishonest. "Does this mean the whole time we were friends he just wanted to get with me?"
Having said that, in your case Zekes it sounds like you want to get over her, so I think you did the right thing by confessing. The more you try and repress feelings, the stronger they will surface (think celibate Catholic priests and child abuse), so in the case of circumstances where a relationship might not necessarily be a good thing (e.g. a work colleague, a longlasting friendship, etc) it's often best to just confess. No guarantees but in my experience getting it out and being turned down greatly helps with getting over it, since you know the feelings aren't reciprocated.
Let's hope it goes well and your friendship can get back to normal soon!
