Not exactly true. Women used to be like that a few decades ago but not anymore, at least not in my experience. Hell women ask men out all the time. I asked my guy out, I've had female friends ask guys out. I definitely agree with Tkawsome, women should take initiative more often.Parts said:
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Girl/Dating Age Part 2: A combined effort to give advice for those in need
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Count Dookkake
Member
Top dog asks. Bitch responds.
Choose the role you prefer.
Choose the role you prefer.
Ether_Snake
å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®
Inanna said:
Nah, not true.
So, the girl from before... Who told me she liked someone else... then I told her I liked her... then she started to get touchy with me....
Now she's constantly saying in front of me she's single, and really getting more physical. So of course I am replying with some tickles, etc... shit like that. I am confused honestly. =P. I must point out that out of the other girls I am going out with, she's the only one I really like. Has been over a year since I really started liking a girl for a more, at least sightly serious thing.
I am debating whether to make one of these moves...
1) Invite her out on a date to a restaurant or something and make a move.
2) Go to the beach with her and maybe a few friends and get a bit more physical with her and see where it goes.
3) Stay put and don't do a thing because she told me she likes another guy.
4) Ask her to just make herself clear. (Don't really want to do this, I like the mystery and stupid games.)
Girls are so confusing XD!
Now she's constantly saying in front of me she's single, and really getting more physical. So of course I am replying with some tickles, etc... shit like that. I am confused honestly. =P. I must point out that out of the other girls I am going out with, she's the only one I really like. Has been over a year since I really started liking a girl for a more, at least sightly serious thing.
I am debating whether to make one of these moves...
1) Invite her out on a date to a restaurant or something and make a move.
2) Go to the beach with her and maybe a few friends and get a bit more physical with her and see where it goes.
3) Stay put and don't do a thing because she told me she likes another guy.
4) Ask her to just make herself clear. (Don't really want to do this, I like the mystery and stupid games.)
Girls are so confusing XD!
jamesinclair
Banned
Don't do anything formal, just go with the flow.
Ask her to a abr or something. Then ask if she wants to come over and watch a movie.
The couch is the easiest place to find out how she feels , ie how close she sits to you, if she gets closer when you poke her, if shes paying more attention to you than the movie...
Ask her to a abr or something. Then ask if she wants to come over and watch a movie.
The couch is the easiest place to find out how she feels , ie how close she sits to you, if she gets closer when you poke her, if shes paying more attention to you than the movie...
RedHerring
Neo Member
Bananakin said:
Eek. I'm no expert on the online dating thing so I have no idea how ordinary or typical this sort of profile is...but yeah, it's not fantastic. Other people have made good criticisms already, so I'll limit my advice to the following MINIMUM. Abandon the second accelerometer section. One was more than enough, and the second bit is technical to the point of unreadability. As a result the joke at the end there is totally lost too. This is coming from the perspective of an arts student by the way, god knows what my science friends would think...but I can't imagine them saying that their science degree subjects have been an effective method for picking up girls. I hardly think it's something you want to be relying on.
BronzeWolf
Banned
Each day, girls are getting used to giving relative strangers on facebook a chance. I've had good success with that as long as you come off as a non-creepy fun guy. Also, I don't know why, but some self-defacing is great when online-dating. I think it makes you seem a little bit less desperate and creepy. You still need to be assertive IRL though
I didn't meet her online, if that's how that came out sounding. We're in class together and seemed to get along pretty well, and I just added her on Facebook today and saw that we had a lot more similar interests than I'd previously thought, so my interest jumped up a bunch.
_Alkaline_
Member
SRG01 said:
I've been reading some of your posts and you seem to have a solid base of how it works. And what you said here is completely correct.
I've found that my knowledge and understanding of the whole dating world came not only from throwing myself in there, but also talking to other girls about it. These were girls who were simply friends (yes GAF, this can actually exist) and I found out so many interesting things from them, many of which would also go on to improve my own 'game', so to speak (I really hate that word).
And this is one of the things they emphasised a lot. Yes guys, women expect you to make a move. Not only do they expect it, but they also want it because of various external factors - mainly keeping their own image intact and not wanting to seen needy/desperate/slutty. If you've ever gone into a night club and seen how embarassingly desperate most men appear, then it suddenly becomes a lot more valid an approach on their behalf.
This is why body language is so important. If we are supposed to take the lead and initiate things, essentially we are throwing ourselves to the wolves and hoping they accept us rather than maul us to death by embarassment. But women will show signs, no matter how subtle they may be.
This sentence you wrote - "she has already gauged his responses consciously or unconsciously, and is letting him know that it's okay to come forward" - is a beauty. It captures exactly how women work and how men need to understand them. Women want a guy, but unless they're a slut/extremely outgoing, they're not going to give up the farm. What they will do is send messages - both conciously and subconciously - to the guy through body language. It's their way of letting the guy know that it's ok to initiate things. And it's up to the guy to understand these messages.
Now, unless she's as thick as a book or you're a freakish bluffer, a girl will always know that you like her. We may like to think that we can hide our intentions, but let's face it - guys are not subtle. Don't look at this in a bad light though. If anything it is a blessing in disguise. It allows girls to know almost right away that a guy likes them, which in turn provides them with the opportunity to take initative and start sending signals to the guy (either that she's interested or that she wants no part of it). Essentially what this means is that girls do have to take initiative at some point. Guys have to do the 'big' stuff but that part - where the girl knows what the guy is thinking and sends messages to him - should not be underestimated in its significance to the whole thing.
This is where a lot of guys slip up, of course simply because they're oblivious to this sort of thing. I've found it just comes with experience. It never becomes easy, so to speak (I think we can all agree most women still maintain some mystery about them no matter how many we date) but we definitely become better at it. Guys have to be careful though not to inspect every single little detail, because that's where overthinking comes into play and that's a big no-no. If you're analysing every little detail in the hope of finding things that will assure you she's interested, then you're either trying too hard or she's simply not interested (or, most likely, both). Women are subtle but they're not that subtle.
BronzeWolf
Banned
sphagnum said:
That's even better! Don't be afraid to invite her out asap
Facebook is the new "hey, I know you btw!". It's just so much more awkward NOT to accept a friend request from an acquittance.
I approve of this message._Alkaline_ said:
Look man, if you think I'm being a defeatist here, I'm not. And that's where it's going to end. I'm a realist. I'm not the type to dwell on lack of motivation or excuses. I can pull out the number of mixed couples involving Asian guys if you really wanted me to and if I wanted to really invest the energy. I can think of one couple that is Asian male/Caucasian female around my ageEggo said:
and they're over
But it would take more than both of my hands to count Caucasian male/Asian female couples that I know.
The height thing is another one, but not as much of an issue to me. I'm 5'7" myself. Obviously I can't get away with saying that this kind of stuff doesn't bother me. I try not to let it, but it always does at least a little.
My social circle is fine, at least to me. I'll expand it if I get the chance to. My biggest problem that I have (that is fixable anyways) is social skills. I'm normally the quiet and reserved guy. People tend to mistake this for shyness, which couldn't be more wrong. I'll be the first to walk up to somebody to ask a question when nobody else wants to. Want to put me into a position where I'm the center of the attention? Sure.
I tend to make up for this in being a really good listener with an impressive memory for remembering the most random small details, but this doesn't always pay dividends, if you know what I mean.
_Alkaline_
Member
Firstly, don't be offended if your questions don't get answered. It's a big thread and whilst it has quite a few posters who know what they're talking about and are willing to help, I think you'll find there a more people who have their own problems (and would probably not be in the posiiton to be helping others).sphagnum said:
But I'll gladly try to help you out with this one. It struck my eye because it's one of those things that never seems to be brought up even though, generally, girls are with other girls. They tend to move in packs, particularly in their adolescence and their early twenties. So how are we supposed to get them on their own?
Now, different people will have a different approaches to this. Some will tell you to simply wait until you see her on her own and make a move there. Other will tell you to not worry about that friend and talk to her.
My advice? Don't look at the friend at some sort of inpenetrable fortress. She's just a friend. What you should do is get on good terms with the friend. That doesn't mean you have to be friends with her, but what you can do is get on her good side.
This is all you have to do - after class when people are leaving, say hi to the girl. Then turn to the friend and say something like "hey, i don't think we've met before. My name is...", shake hands with her and then just have some small talk with them. Doesn't have to be anything huge. In fact, keep it nice and brief, and try to leave on a high note. You'll know it's a high note when the girl is smiling or laughing. As Jerry Seinfeld said, it's "showmanship - when you hit that highnote, say goodnight and walk off."
However, personally I try to avoid any serious questions (like asking her out or asking her number) if the friend is around. It can make the friend uncomfortable (and thus make the girl uncomfortable), plus it lacks intimacy. If she is by herself, use that time to do things like that. You can also use something like facebook for some small chat and flirting away from class, but absolutely do not rely on this. Keep almost all interaction face-to-face. And most definitely don't, whatever you do, ask her out or get her number on facebook. It's a cop-out and scientifically makes your balls smaller.
Why did you break up in the first place? This is the important thing to try to remember when considering getting back with someone. Are you sure you actually want to get back together with someone who drove you to the point of breaking up? Whatever that reason was, it will probably come back to break things up again. People claim to "work on things," but in my personal experience, people cannot make huge changes. (Not worth it when there are so many people out there, if you ask me.)whitehawk said:
Think about that for a minute.
Still, I think it's best to learn these lessons yourself at a young age. You only learn by getting burned. So, I know this might sound foolish, but go for it now while you're young. You'll only be more prepared and better equipped for dating down the road if you fuck up and learn now.
I have an interesting dilemma for you guys. It's a long one. Sorry.
My friend (K), who I've known for 2 years, has been dating his girlfriend (C) for 7ish months now. K is working a dead-end job in a restaurant and has basically flunked out university several years in a row now (he's 25 now) but still tries to take courses to work at a degree. Pretty sure he's depressed about all of that -- but that's his change he needs to make to break the circle of misery.
Before K started dating C, K dated his most previous ex (A) for 5 months. He thought things were serious. She is young and didn't thing of things as serious. She cheated on K multiple times, they got back together multiple times, and the cycle continued. He tried to hound her by texting her all the time, making her report in, blah blah, controlling. They eventually broke up. She works at the same restaurant with K. To this day, he thinks she's a subhuman slut. They fight over text message all the time, even though they broke up a year ago. C doesn't know this.
Tonight C asks me out for coffee. I go, we have a good time. We've been friends since shortly after K and her started dating. I am not attracted to her in anyway, and she is very loyal to K, so don't get any ideas. In our talks, she brought up how K is still throwing up walls because he's clearly not over A and how A burned him yet. She has tears in her eyes at this point.
Now, this is the dilemma. C cares a lot about K, obviously, to have stuck with K through him clearly not being over how hurt he got by A. It is very much of a one-sided relationship, and I think C is a bit of a fool for sticking with K through this. Still, she's very good to him and he doesn't realise this. K has been claiming for the longest time that he's going to break up with C because he hasn't fallen in love with her. But he's been talking about pulling the trigger for several months now.
She threw him a surprise birthday at a fancy bar/arcade. He took her to the restaurant he works at for dinner for her birthday. Even after the surprise bday she threw for him, that we and our friends planned 3 months in advance for K, he still says he wants to break up with her.
She has no idea what's about to hit her, if he eventually does pull the trigger.
I hate knowing that he wants to break up with her. He's being a fucking selfish knob and doesn't know that this girl (C) is/was better than A ever was to him.
I know I shouldn't mettle, but I feel someone needs to know something. I know you're going to say don't say anything to anyone, but should I tell C she's being a moron for sticking with him and his baggage, or should I tell K that he's being a selfish asshole for stringing her on thus far? I almost feel like I'll be saving both of them time. K can get his fucking life in control and do him for a bit and C can stop wasting her time on someone who doesn't appreciate her -- if they part ways.
My friend (K), who I've known for 2 years, has been dating his girlfriend (C) for 7ish months now. K is working a dead-end job in a restaurant and has basically flunked out university several years in a row now (he's 25 now) but still tries to take courses to work at a degree. Pretty sure he's depressed about all of that -- but that's his change he needs to make to break the circle of misery.
Before K started dating C, K dated his most previous ex (A) for 5 months. He thought things were serious. She is young and didn't thing of things as serious. She cheated on K multiple times, they got back together multiple times, and the cycle continued. He tried to hound her by texting her all the time, making her report in, blah blah, controlling. They eventually broke up. She works at the same restaurant with K. To this day, he thinks she's a subhuman slut. They fight over text message all the time, even though they broke up a year ago. C doesn't know this.
Tonight C asks me out for coffee. I go, we have a good time. We've been friends since shortly after K and her started dating. I am not attracted to her in anyway, and she is very loyal to K, so don't get any ideas. In our talks, she brought up how K is still throwing up walls because he's clearly not over A and how A burned him yet. She has tears in her eyes at this point.
Now, this is the dilemma. C cares a lot about K, obviously, to have stuck with K through him clearly not being over how hurt he got by A. It is very much of a one-sided relationship, and I think C is a bit of a fool for sticking with K through this. Still, she's very good to him and he doesn't realise this. K has been claiming for the longest time that he's going to break up with C because he hasn't fallen in love with her. But he's been talking about pulling the trigger for several months now.
She threw him a surprise birthday at a fancy bar/arcade. He took her to the restaurant he works at for dinner for her birthday. Even after the surprise bday she threw for him, that we and our friends planned 3 months in advance for K, he still says he wants to break up with her.
She has no idea what's about to hit her, if he eventually does pull the trigger.
I hate knowing that he wants to break up with her. He's being a fucking selfish knob and doesn't know that this girl (C) is/was better than A ever was to him.
I know I shouldn't mettle, but I feel someone needs to know something. I know you're going to say don't say anything to anyone, but should I tell C she's being a moron for sticking with him and his baggage, or should I tell K that he's being a selfish asshole for stringing her on thus far? I almost feel like I'll be saving both of them time. K can get his fucking life in control and do him for a bit and C can stop wasting her time on someone who doesn't appreciate her -- if they part ways.
_Alkaline_
Member
soultron said:
Yeah, it's one of those times where we are caught between doing nothing or trying to help out.
Firstly, don't go behind your friend's back and make comments to C about him. It's just not the right way to go even though you may be disappointed in him.
Secondly,, it really depends on how close a friend you are to K. If he's your best friend, I think you have a right to be involved because you care about him and want him to do the right thing. Even though you don't want to become directly involved in the relationship, there's nothing wrong with confronting him and trying to set your best friend straight.
However, if he's not a best friend (instead just a mere friend that you have many of) then personally I don't know if it's really your place to get involved in. I think it depends a lot on how close you to are - the closer you are, the more credibility your words will have and the more impact they will have as well.
Aesius
Member
When it rains, it pours, GAF.
I'm having some pretty nice success in the online dating realm. PoF seems to be far more lucrative than OKCupid so far - although the only girl I've actually went on a date with has been from OKC (and she currently has the most potential). I've given my number to 4 girls so far, and I'm on a texting/date potential with all of them. I get about 3 messages a week from new girls on PoF, and usually at least one is quite attractive.
And IRL, I'm doing pretty damn good for myself as well. I was at the bar the other night with a friend playing pool, and a girl I've known for a while/had a few classes with comes over and chats with me for over an hour. I knew I was in when she stuck around even while I was busy playing. Afterward we went to her house and smoked weed, then she took me home. We ended up hanging out a couple days later and watched TV and smoked at my house. She's definitely not the type to get any sort of play from right off the bat, but she's very cool - so I'll probably keep hanging out with her.
And tonight I feel like I have yet another potential with a former coworker who I ran into at the same bar. Again, I was playing pool and she kept coming over and talking to me. She was actually doing some hardcore kino, and rested her head on my shoulder a couple of times. Nice!
I've gotta say - my life has done a complete 180 since about two months ago. At that point I literally had 0 women to talk to, and now I've got quite a few. Obviously I'm not banging them all (and I wouldn't even want to), but it just feels damn nice to have options right now.
I'm having some pretty nice success in the online dating realm. PoF seems to be far more lucrative than OKCupid so far - although the only girl I've actually went on a date with has been from OKC (and she currently has the most potential). I've given my number to 4 girls so far, and I'm on a texting/date potential with all of them. I get about 3 messages a week from new girls on PoF, and usually at least one is quite attractive.
And IRL, I'm doing pretty damn good for myself as well. I was at the bar the other night with a friend playing pool, and a girl I've known for a while/had a few classes with comes over and chats with me for over an hour. I knew I was in when she stuck around even while I was busy playing. Afterward we went to her house and smoked weed, then she took me home. We ended up hanging out a couple days later and watched TV and smoked at my house. She's definitely not the type to get any sort of play from right off the bat, but she's very cool - so I'll probably keep hanging out with her.
And tonight I feel like I have yet another potential with a former coworker who I ran into at the same bar. Again, I was playing pool and she kept coming over and talking to me. She was actually doing some hardcore kino, and rested her head on my shoulder a couple of times. Nice!
I've gotta say - my life has done a complete 180 since about two months ago. At that point I literally had 0 women to talk to, and now I've got quite a few. Obviously I'm not banging them all (and I wouldn't even want to), but it just feels damn nice to have options right now.
I've not once mentioned anything of K's upcoming plan to break up with her to C.
It's just really frustrating. They're not my best friends by any means, but they're people I hang out with all the time. I don't want to snitch. (Haha.)
It's just frustrating as hell knowing what I do. I fucking wish K hadn't told me, especially so long ago. It makes trying to be friends with C very hard. Only because she's really sweet on him and she's doesn't even know that she's about to get hit in the face with a metaphorical freight train.
Maybe I should just step back from being friends with C or maybe even K too. The complicated thing is that K might be living with me next year. My other friends (who currently live with him) who I'm moving in with need to have a talk with him first. We don't want him in our house if his life has no direction because he's dodged months of rent before.
He's a decent guy, but his recent depression and issues with his ex really turn him into a knob sometimes. It's a shame.
It's just really frustrating. They're not my best friends by any means, but they're people I hang out with all the time. I don't want to snitch. (Haha.)
It's just frustrating as hell knowing what I do. I fucking wish K hadn't told me, especially so long ago. It makes trying to be friends with C very hard. Only because she's really sweet on him and she's doesn't even know that she's about to get hit in the face with a metaphorical freight train.
Maybe I should just step back from being friends with C or maybe even K too. The complicated thing is that K might be living with me next year. My other friends (who currently live with him) who I'm moving in with need to have a talk with him first. We don't want him in our house if his life has no direction because he's dodged months of rent before.
He's a decent guy, but his recent depression and issues with his ex really turn him into a knob sometimes. It's a shame.
CF_Fighter
Member
Ugh I think I may have blown something or am just reading it wrong. After my class today a girl, who is quite attractive, started talking to me after class. First off she asked how I liked my Macbook and said she was getting a Macbook Pro tomorrow and is so excited. I thought "Oh this is just some neighborly conversation classmates have. She left and I left as well not expecting anything else. As I was walking down the hall she came up to me and struck up another conversation about something I mentioned in class. My dad is currently in Episcopal Seminary to become a priest and I talked about this in a small group today because it related to another topic we were discussing, basically how circumstances and events shape and steer a family. She started talking to me about how her dad is a deacon as well as her uncle being a pastor. The conversation came to a halt and then just became an awkward moment. and we went our separate ways. I realized not 30 seconds later I should have asked her about where her dad and uncle work. Keep the conversation going as we walked.
The fact that she came up to me after class and initiated a conversation showed that she had some type of interest, maybe not in dating, but interest none the less.
So can I salvage anything from this? I mean I could ask her next week about where her dad and uncle work and start it off with "I remember you mentioning this last week..." I think it would show that I made a mental note of what she said and remembered it enough to speak to her about it again. I've always been told those types of things show a girl that you have them "on your mind".
PS. The class we have is an education class on integrating "exceptional" students into the classroom. This is both gifted and children with all types of disabilities. I have Cystic Fibrosis so I've added things to conversations in class, two sessions now, about dealing with CF in the public education system. Having brought that up in class and her still talking to me is always a plus even if it means she's being friendly, she was able to see past the CF.
The fact that she came up to me after class and initiated a conversation showed that she had some type of interest, maybe not in dating, but interest none the less.
So can I salvage anything from this? I mean I could ask her next week about where her dad and uncle work and start it off with "I remember you mentioning this last week..." I think it would show that I made a mental note of what she said and remembered it enough to speak to her about it again. I've always been told those types of things show a girl that you have them "on your mind".
PS. The class we have is an education class on integrating "exceptional" students into the classroom. This is both gifted and children with all types of disabilities. I have Cystic Fibrosis so I've added things to conversations in class, two sessions now, about dealing with CF in the public education system. Having brought that up in class and her still talking to me is always a plus even if it means she's being friendly, she was able to see past the CF.
_Alkaline_
Member
soultron said:
Ok.
Well, once again, absolutely do not tell C about this no matter how tempting it is. It would only create hostility between you and K without any of the benefits that would come from confronting him instead.
And with that said, I think you should confront him about it. If you spend a lot of time with him, it indicates he means something to you and that you mean something to him. Just as it's possible he'll become angry and hostile towards you for intervening, it's just as possible that he'll take into consideration what you tell him and he'll follow through with it. And, let's be honest - if he takes so much offence to you trying to help him (and C) out, then he's probably not worth bothering with anymore anyway.
As for what you tell him, all you really need to do is try to make him take a step back and realise what he is doing wrong. You brought up some examples of how he's treated her poorly - these will sound harsh to him but he needs to hear them to understand where he went wrong. Often we don't know how stupid/rude/neglecting we are until someone puts it right out there for us to see. You should also try to help him come to a decision on what to do. This may take time - days, maybe weeks - but it's clear that he needs to turn it around or just quit now, because what he is currently maintaining is clearly not good enough.
Be straightforward without being condescending. Don't make it sound like you're taking sides, instead you need to sound like you're simply clarifying things for him and just waking him up to reality. Be firm but gentle, so to speak.
Also, for the moment, steer clear of confronting him about anything to do with depression. As someone who has gone through it myself, it's up to him to get himself back on track as well as seek the right medical advice. Unless it reaches obviously bad levels, it's not something you want to get involved in.
Of course, this is just my advice from an outside perspective. You of course have a much better grasp on the situation and what you should do. If it feels like you shouldn't do anything, then that's probably the right way to go.
Fighter you in no way blowed things my man. you will obviously see this girl again real soon so how about trying this. I know this is crazy but say "hey what's up" lol. the ice is broken and you both have common interests so chat her up see where it takes you. Glad to hear about Gaf's good experience with online dating, it has a bad rap but really is just another method for meeting new people and chatting! keep up the good work men...and that one girl lol
Mike Works said:
soultron said:
Yeah, that's what I'm going to do and see what happens. Thanks guys!
Slo said:
Ok, that made me laugh.
Regarding your problem soultron, I was in a similar situation with my best friend. He was planning on breaking up with his GF and she didn't know what he was thinking. Being my best friend I talked to him (instead of his GF) about not draging out too much the decision of breaking up with her because she didn't deserve it (no, I didn't have an interest in her).
One week later my friend broke up with her. She didn't see it coming and I felt a little sorry for her but they have moved on and all is right in the world.
So if you're really good friends with K I suggest talking with him. If you don't care about K, then talk to his GF and make the plot thickens. Good luck!
Need some advice:
Last week I slept with this girl I've known for about 18 months for the first time (she had a BF most of that time, but we'd always flirt). I know that she's seeing at least one other guy (because she mentioned it in passing), which is no big deal to me. So just hanging out and messing around is fine with me, since she's pretty cool. Anyway, a few days later we're on the phone and she asks me how I feel about the fact that she's supposed to see this other guy tonight; so I said "well, you mentioned that you're seeing some other guy at my place, so if I had a problem with you seeing other guys I would have said something - I have no claim on you. I see other girls and it's fine if you see other guys."
So she goes "no, I know that I can date other guys, but I'm talking about sex specifically." So I said that we're adults and seeing other people entails what it entails and reiterated that her business is her business and vice versa. What it comes down to is that she tells me that she wanted to ask me this before we hung out tomorrow night because one of her "rules" for herself is that if she has a "fuckbuddy" (in this case me), that that person can only be having sex with her and not sleeping around (I didn't press her on her rationale, though she did mention hygienic reasons briefly). So I said that I'd have to think about it but that I respect her position, and then I said that if I did consent to such an arrangement, that it would have to hold both ways - she couldn't be sleeping around either. She kinda balked and said "but you just said that you were fine with me being with other guys," so I said "yes, but that's before you expressed a desire to restrict my behavior; in the interest of fairness, any such restriction would have to hold both ways. If I'm turning down other opportunities in this hypothetical arrangement, you'd have to be doing the same." It took a while, but I eventually got her to understand my logic.
Now, I'm sure you see why I find this strange - it's monogamy without the relationship/emotional commitment. Now, there are other, more important aspects to a relationship than monogamy, but sexual exclusivity is a pretty big component. An easy answer as to how to proceed is "it depends how badly you want to continue sleeping with this particular girl as opposed to different girls." Yes, it does - that's the simple way to look at it. But am I wrong for feeling like a rule for exclusivity should simply be out of bounds unless two people are ready for an ACTUAL relationship of some sort? Like, part of me feels like this was a "whoa there, now, hold on" moment lol. Opinions? Any girl ever say this to you guys?
Last week I slept with this girl I've known for about 18 months for the first time (she had a BF most of that time, but we'd always flirt). I know that she's seeing at least one other guy (because she mentioned it in passing), which is no big deal to me. So just hanging out and messing around is fine with me, since she's pretty cool. Anyway, a few days later we're on the phone and she asks me how I feel about the fact that she's supposed to see this other guy tonight; so I said "well, you mentioned that you're seeing some other guy at my place, so if I had a problem with you seeing other guys I would have said something - I have no claim on you. I see other girls and it's fine if you see other guys."
So she goes "no, I know that I can date other guys, but I'm talking about sex specifically." So I said that we're adults and seeing other people entails what it entails and reiterated that her business is her business and vice versa. What it comes down to is that she tells me that she wanted to ask me this before we hung out tomorrow night because one of her "rules" for herself is that if she has a "fuckbuddy" (in this case me), that that person can only be having sex with her and not sleeping around (I didn't press her on her rationale, though she did mention hygienic reasons briefly). So I said that I'd have to think about it but that I respect her position, and then I said that if I did consent to such an arrangement, that it would have to hold both ways - she couldn't be sleeping around either. She kinda balked and said "but you just said that you were fine with me being with other guys," so I said "yes, but that's before you expressed a desire to restrict my behavior; in the interest of fairness, any such restriction would have to hold both ways. If I'm turning down other opportunities in this hypothetical arrangement, you'd have to be doing the same." It took a while, but I eventually got her to understand my logic.
Now, I'm sure you see why I find this strange - it's monogamy without the relationship/emotional commitment. Now, there are other, more important aspects to a relationship than monogamy, but sexual exclusivity is a pretty big component. An easy answer as to how to proceed is "it depends how badly you want to continue sleeping with this particular girl as opposed to different girls." Yes, it does - that's the simple way to look at it. But am I wrong for feeling like a rule for exclusivity should simply be out of bounds unless two people are ready for an ACTUAL relationship of some sort? Like, part of me feels like this was a "whoa there, now, hold on" moment lol. Opinions? Any girl ever say this to you guys?
Loki you did the right thing. I always say with women there needs to be a verbal contract. That way later you can use the old " I told you in the beginning..." Whats fair for the goose is fair for the gander I always say. I've had a few buddies pull this shit as well. If you dont feel the need to restrict yourself to just her then dont. IMO sounds lame, like you all are dating but not lol. Whats the point of saying okay im going to see other people but it can only go so far. People always cave, so even if she says this shes going to break her own rule eventually.
scoot3r said:
That thought definitely crossed my mind. Plus she's kind of a "party girl" type - I'm not sure if I trust her to hold to her word if she's still able to see other guys one-on-one (which she is, obviously). Alcohol gets involved and then who knows. She did tell me that she'd cancel her plans with this other guy for tonight once I told her that it'd have to go both ways, however (she volunteered to do this, I didn't ask). Maybe she did so as a gesture of good faith - who knows. It's just such an odd request to make when (to my knowledge) she has no romantic intentions towards me.
But I do want to continue sleeping with her. And on top of that, she's really cool to hang out with - I enjoy spending time with her; before her telling me this, I just figured that whatever happens would happen. But at what cost? A restriction usually reserved for "relationships" when I'm not in an actual relationship? Just strikes me as odd is all.
Loki said:
honestly shes out of her mind for thinking there is any justification for her to sleep around while expecting you to sleep exclusively with her. that seems like such a deranged idea i'd just consider sleeping around without telling her not sure if i would... all depends on the girl, to what degree its solely a fuck buddy vs potential relationship, availability of other girls... definitely consider it though. absolutely ridiculous. im glad you got her to see that it is a two-way street.
im in a slightly worse situation myself. cute girl at work i never really talked to first semester since she had a boyfriend, started talking a week ago, we worked together all shift the other night so she came over beforehand and i told her she could spend the night in case we got drunk, since we drank after our shift as well.. she ends up sleeping in my bed and i realize that if i do anything with this girl i'm going to fall for her. not talking desperately in love, but definitly enough that i'd be jealous when i'd see her flirting with the other guys at work and the customers, and i know she loves attention from guys, and has no interest in a relationship at this time.
soooooo even though i didn't plan on it, i threw away a perfectly good opportunity for guilt free hookups. any advice on how to get over this hang up, guys? im not sure whether its a case of pussy on the pedestal, or if i legitimately dig her.
i imagine i'll have other chances, if i want them. but i can't decide if i do.
womfalcs3
Banned
What's love? How do you know when you're in love?
I'm feeling things toward a girl now that are really strong. It's not based on sex (although there is sexual interest). It's something on a far more personal/internal level. Like it feels good to breathe. I'm always thinking about her. I can't wait till I see her again. I feel bad when something undesired happens to her.
I'm feeling things toward a girl now that are really strong. It's not based on sex (although there is sexual interest). It's something on a far more personal/internal level. Like it feels good to breathe. I'm always thinking about her. I can't wait till I see her again. I feel bad when something undesired happens to her.
womfalcs3 said:
My favorite love quote is "Love is a wound in your heart. When the wound heals, love dies."
Anyway, I think I've been in love 3 times. Probably been on hundreds of dates with many women. Each time I've felt the same as you, although it's taken quite a while to develop those feelings. I want to spend time with her all the time, enjoy the mundane moments with her that by myself would be tedious, have great conversations, and, oddly enough, some satisfying arguments and fights that aren't bullshit and end up being resolved satisfactorily for both parties.
I find that when I take a trip with a girl, or spend a weekend+ with her, it determines whether or not things will "click" and work out longer term. If after two or three days alone with her I'm dying for some time by myself, I know it's probably not love.
The Shadow
Member
Loki said:
So basically she wants you to be exclusive to her but she wants the ability to sleep around. For "hygienic" reasons. Yeah, she's a tramp. I find the fact that you had to explain to her how that was unfair funny.
She wants you as a pet and she's using sex as a bargaining chip. Let's put it another way, how would you feel about a guy who has a girlfriend or wife that actively sleeps around with other men and he knows about it but he's "restricted" from doing the same.
There's a name for that. It's called a cuckold. Some guys surprisingly get off on that as a fetish. Do you? Because that's effectively what she's asking for. For you to be loyal and monogamous and for her to see other guys and sleep around.
Feel like it wasn't our personalities that didn't get along, but that it was largely our busy schedules and my in-experience with serious relationships. I was great in the beginning, but as it got more serious I didn't handle things properly. I've learned a lot, and think I could make this work. We both want it to. She's an amazing girl, someone who I'm crazy about. Did I mention she's a model? She's worth fighting for, and I want to try to make this work.soultron said:
So yeah, I completely agree with you. I think it can work, but even if it doesn't, it will be another big learning experience for me. Something I could use. Thanks.
SRG01 said:
Yeah, if you're interested, you absolutely MUST kiss by the second date. Hell, even the biggest holy roller chick was making out with me like mad on the second date. Third date is even too long to wait (although the first time I made out with my current g/f was the third date).
I say, go for a kiss on the first date if things go really well and you two seem to have great chemistry. Though if there's not much chemistry on date 1, give her another chance (unless things really sucked)... you'd be surprised how many girls I met I was kinda of "meh" on the first date, but really hit it off (and kissed them!) on date 2. It's not like we're living in the movies, you're not gonna get slapped if the girl isn't into it. But even a kiss on the first date is no guarantee of anything - I've made out with girls on a first date and they never even picked up their phone when I called them back for a second
Yeah, always always kiss on the second date. It's up to you if you want to on the first date. I didn't kiss with my ex on our first date, but we made out on our second. Later on though she explained was a little confused after the first date since we didn't kiss. Wasn't sure if I was romantically interested in her, or if we were just hanging out as friends lol.
TurboLibre
Member
whitehawk said:
There is no "handling things properly" in High School, she doesn't know what she's doing and doesn't know what to expect from you either. Inexperience is just an excuse she is giving for other, larger, problems she's not willing to say.
vitaminwateryum
corporate swill
...go out without them?Xun said:
The Shadow said:
Oh, don't get me wrong - I would NEVER have that only apply to me while she was "allowed" to do whatever she wanted (of course anyone can always cheat and break the rules, but assuming honesty here). Her initial reaction of "hey, but I thought you just said you were fine with me being with other people" was (in my opinion) less because she wanted to remain free to sleep with whoever and more because just 5 minutes earlier I said that I was fine with her seeing whoever; I think she just didn't get why I changed my tune just because she expressed her OWN feelings re: fuckbuddies. And yes, it is funny that I would have to explain why consistency would be necessary in such an arrangement - it should be completely obvious. And no, I definitely don't get off on that lol. I just wanted opinions and to see if anyone else ever had such a request made of them outside of a relationship. It's just weird all around imo.
Loki, I think she sort of has feelings for you but wants to play the field to see if she can find someone better to lock down and then toss you. If she doesn't find anyone, the fuckbuddy relationship will probably end up with her confirming feelings for you.
Just my opinion. She's trying to use you, basically. If you want to be used (sex! hurray!) then go for it. Just watch out for STIs and such. This can be a great ride if you know what you're doing.
Also, do other girls on the side. She probably will be doing other guys on the side anyhow.
EDIT: Thanks for the advice, alkaline. I'll just confront him next time I see him one-on-one.
Just my opinion. She's trying to use you, basically. If you want to be used (sex! hurray!) then go for it. Just watch out for STIs and such. This can be a great ride if you know what you're doing.
Also, do other girls on the side. She probably will be doing other guys on the side anyhow.
EDIT: Thanks for the advice, alkaline. I'll just confront him next time I see him one-on-one.
I realise my post game game is weak. Like i can get a girl's number, heck even 9s and 10s. But i can't do anythin with it. In the past month i have gotten about 6 or so numbers and i have completely fucked up my chances with like 5 of them. This really mixed chick, replied back to a few of my texts then stopped replying back to me, this one girl was just being dumb cos i didn't call her in 5 minutes and then got pissy about it, this one girl i went out on a date with that seemed to go well has not texted or called me back, this one hot smoking hot japanese and greek girl texted me abck a few times and she said we should go out for a drink i mentioned i'd love to although i am teetotal and she said she didn't wanna force me to go to a bar and never mind. Meh. I can't feel to sorry for myself, but man this is kinda getting ridiculous. Anytips on texting girls and how to talk to girls whose numbers you just got?
By the way guys, have you been in a situation when you just don't give a shit about women? I found myself quite bored with dating routine lately. Wherever it comes from online or from real life the dating makes me bored. It's quite predictable and I found myself watching women like you watch animals in a zoo. I talk to them, I listen to them but I'm like looking trough them, like I want to catch some behind-the-scene stuff going. Fo example she talks about something but I feel that she doesn't think about what she is saying right now or she's alienated something or bored, but the deal is that I can see her inner ramblings and therefore predict her behavior in some way. I don't know how to explain it but sometimes I know what she'll say before she says it or what she'll do next second before she does it, and this takes out all fun from any sort of relationship. Like there's nothing to explore anymore. I'm talking about any women I know.
Shit.
Shit.
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