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[Keru_Shiri]

So, how set in stone is the "Never use online dating as your primary source" rule? I live in central Arkansas, so finding girls to chat with that I have a lot of common ground with is difficult, but I seem to have an easier time on something like OKCupid.

FWIW, I'm a fairly social guy, and I regularly go out with friends and such, but I still have a bit of trouble just striking up a conversation with a stranger.

Thanks for any help!

 

[sphagnum]

Firstly, don't be offended if your questions don't get answered. It's a big thread and whilst it has quite a few posters who know what they're talking about and are willing to help, I think you'll find there a more people who have their own problems (and would probably not be in the posiiton to be helping others).

But I'll gladly try to help you out with this one. It struck my eye because it's one of those things that never seems to be brought up even though, generally, girls are with other girls. They tend to move in packs, particularly in their adolescence and their early twenties. So how are we supposed to get them on their own?

Now, different people will have a different approaches to this. Some will tell you to simply wait until you see her on her own and make a move there. Other will tell you to not worry about that friend and talk to her.

My advice? Don't look at the friend at some sort of inpenetrable fortress. She's just a friend. What you should do is get on good terms with the friend. That doesn't mean you have to be friends with her, but what you can do is get on her good side.

This is all you have to do - after class when people are leaving, say hi to the girl. Then turn to the friend and say something like "hey, i don't think we've met before. My name is...", shake hands with her and then just have some small talk with them. Doesn't have to be anything huge. In fact, keep it nice and brief, and try to leave on a high note. You'll know it's a high note when the girl is smiling or laughing. As Jerry Seinfeld said, it's "showmanship - when you hit that highnote, say goodnight and walk off."

However, personally I try to avoid any serious questions (like asking her out or asking her number) if the friend is around. It can make the friend uncomfortable (and thus make the girl uncomfortable), plus it lacks intimacy. If she is by herself, use that time to do things like that. You can also use something like facebook for some small chat and flirting away from class, but absolutely do not rely on this. Keep almost all interaction face-to-face. And most definitely don't, whatever you do, ask her out or get her number on facebook. It's a cop-out and scientifically makes your balls smaller.

This is some pretty good advice, thanks. I've never had trouble talking to or making friends with girls, just asking them out, so I don't think getting on good terms with her friend should be very hard.

 

[The Shadow]

By the way guys, have you been in a situation when you just don't give a shit about women?

I've been feeling like that for a while now. Don't know if it's just the women I've been meeting lately or what but yeah, bored out of my gd mind. I seem to be keying on women who's interest seems to be the Twilight movies and books. It probably doesn't help that I have no desire to be in a relationship at the moment. I really like being single.

I just wanted opinions and to see if anyone else ever had such a request made of them outside of a relationship. It's just weird all around imo.

It's incredibly weird. I can't believe the balls on that girl. I would echo what soultron said. She's using you as a backup.

So, how set in stone is the "Never use online dating as your primary source" rule? I live in central Arkansas, so finding girls to chat with that I have a lot of common ground with is difficult, but I seem to have an easier time on something like OKCupid.

FWIW, I'm a fairly social guy, and I regularly go out with friends and such, but I still have a bit of trouble just striking up a conversation with a stranger.

Thanks for any help!

No rule is set in stone. Every situation and every woman is different.

That said, if you have the opportunity to meet women in real life, you really should try to work on that. Yes, you're having trouble striking up a conversation with a stranger but like anything that gives us trouble, you work on it until you're better at it. Once you're better at meeting women in real life, it'll start affecting your behavior in all social aspects for the better.

 

[hellclerk]

So, the girl from before... Who told me she liked someone else... then I told her I liked her... then she started to get touchy with me....

Now she's constantly saying in front of me she's single, and really getting more physical. So of course I am replying with some tickles, etc... shit like that. I am confused honestly. =P. I must point out that out of the other girls I am going out with, she's the only one I really like. Has been over a year since I really started liking a girl for a more, at least sightly serious thing.

I am debating whether to make one of these moves...

1) Invite her out on a date to a restaurant or something and make a move.
2) Go to the beach with her and maybe a few friends and get a bit more physical with her and see where it goes.
3) Stay put and don't do a thing because she told me she likes another guy.
4) Ask her to just make herself clear. (Don't really want to do this, I like the mystery and stupid games.)

Girls are so confusing XD!

Stealing this

MAKE YOUR FUCKING MOVE MAN. Seriously. Go to the beach with her too, and forget to ask the friends. She's basically BEGGING you. You have no responsibility to this other guy to NOT make your move, so DO IT, OR HAND IN YOUR PENIS.

If she doesn't accept the advances or something THEN you can ask her to make herself clear. YOU GOT NUTH'N TO LOOSE.

 

[Relix]

I plan on getting to third base/home at least in the next 48-72 hours. Should be a great ride. =P

 

[JB1981]

This married girl with a kid has been coming onto me hardcore lately. I even met her out tonight at a club. She met me there with her sister in-law .. fucking weird .. she was walking with me throughout the club .. touching my shoulders , my back etc .. telling me how shitty her marriage is. She has been texting me more lately and has been calling me. I would never, ever .. fucking EVER break up a marriage and will not hook up with her. We grew up together and were close friends when we were younger. This all started with Facebook messaging and has escalated to phone texts, phone calls and now meet ups at clubs. It doesn't help that she is really hot. I need to tell this girl that nothing will come of this, even though I would LOVE to sleep with her.

 

[hellclerk]

I plan on getting to third base/home at least in the next 48-72 hours. Should be a great ride. =P

Good luck! I'm half-drunk right now and have a lunch date in 9 hours. God help me.

 

[scoot3r]

What's love?Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me. No more!

Fixed that for ya...sorry had to

 

[Bleepey]

I realise my post game game is weak. Like i can get a girl's number, heck even 9s and 10s. But i can't do anythin with it. In the past month i have gotten about 6 or so numbers and i have completely fucked up my chances with like 5 of them. This really mixed chick, replied back to a few of my texts then stopped replying back to me, this one girl was just being dumb cos i didn't call her in 5 minutes and then got pissy about it, this one girl i went out on a date with that seemed to go well has not texted or called me back, this one hot smoking hot japanese and greek girl texted me abck a few times and she said we should go out for a drink i mentioned i'd love to although i am teetotal and she said she didn't wanna force me to go to a bar and never mind. Meh. I can't feel to sorry for myself, but man this is kinda getting ridiculous. Anytips on texting girls and how to talk to girls whose numbers you just got?

Anyone still able to help me?

 

[_Alkaline_]

Anyone still able to help me?

Well the good thing is you're getting numbers left right and centre, so the hard part is basically done already.

Try to avoid texting and stick to the phone and face-to-face stuff. Talking on the phone is a terrific ice-breaker after getting a girl's number as it helps remove the tension and nervousness of the next face-to-face encounter. It also demonstrates confidence on your behalf, and it's a good habit to get into with any girls you want to pursue. You really only want to keep texts for three things - light flirting (and even then not much at all), saying that you had a good time after a date, or when needing help/directions/etc that don't require a call.

It seems you're having trouble conversing with girls on dates? Don't be too discouraged by having off days. Even when we're on top of our game one night with a girl, the next time we might just not have it going for us. It's hard to give advice for this because it really depends on your own personality and how you converse with people. However, is it possible that you aren't being aggressive enough (as in initiating sexual chemistry?). Or perhaps you're not being warm enough and creating an uncomfortable environment?

Where do you think you're going wrong?

 

[Bleepey]

Well the good thing is you're getting numbers left right and centre, so the hard part is basically done already.

Try to avoid texting and stick to the phone and face-to-face stuff. Talking on the phone is a terrific ice-breaker after getting a girl's number as it helps remove the tension and nervousness of the next face-to-face encounter. It also demonstrates confidence on your behalf, and it's a good habit to get into with any girls you want to pursue. You really only want to keep texts for three things - light flirting (and even then not much at all), saying that you had a good time after a date, or when needing help/directions/etc that don't require a call.

It seems you're having trouble conversing with girls on dates? Don't be too discouraged by having off days. Even when we're on top of our game one night with a girl, the next time we might just not have it going for us. It's hard to give advice for this because it really depends on your own personality and how you converse with people. However, is it possible that you aren't being aggressive enough (as in initiating sexual chemistry?). Or perhaps you're not being warm enough and creating an uncomfortable environment?

Where do you think you're going wrong?

That's the thing maybe i am reading it wrong and what i mistake for interest is well her being polite and laughing at my jokes. For example:

1) Brunette: I hit on her cousin, she weren't too interested. So i went up to her and started talking to her. She was like you hit on my cousin what makes you think i would talk to you after you failed. I said to her that the only reason i talked to her was to get into her good books and to hook he rup with my mat. My mate ended up pulling her so it sounded plausible. Throughout the night at the club i was doing a lot of cocky funny (google it) and she seemed to really like that. Heck she was playing hard to get and i was having a cocky rebuttal to EVERYthing she said. She loved that. Heck even this one guy i met at the club said o me"yo man, you're way out of her league" and i was like"yo i know, the things i do to kill time". She loved that cocky shit and threw her hand around my neck and made out with me. After we texted for a while we talked for 40 minutes on the phone. I cracked jokes, continued with the playful cocky shit and even played a dumb either or game with her "coke or pepsi"""ketchup or babrbecue sauce" later on "lingerie or commando" basically escalating. So we went out on a date to starbucks. The date consisted of talking about the night we met, somehow we ended up talking about previous dates from insecure and cocky guys she went out with and me telling her about how i almost got into a car crash on one date and somehow from there we started talking about how i used to be a really shy guy. Stuff like i stammered an invitation to lunch when i was 19 and how it took a hell of a lot of practice to be able to be confident with a girl. We talekd about shit like how she would never approach a guy even if he was Prince Willianm/Harry. I thought it went well and we kissed. then she stopped picking up my calls or returning my texts so maybe it didn't go as well as i thought. Even though she said she was keen about the idea of going out again next week. But hey it happens.

2) The japanese-greek girl: I went up to her, tossed lines at her and within aabout 5 minutes had her saying "you got me so turned on right now" and that she regretted her friends were with her.I got her number and we then said our goodbyes. She texted me like soon after she left the club. We texted a little and then we talked. ion the phone, she said she lived about a 50 minute bus ride from me, she was an accountatn, and her dad lived in my neighbourhood. We cracked jokes and we said we'd meet sometime. She said she was busy at work and i was like it's cool. However when i told her i was teetotal after she said she fancied going for a drink she just stiopped texting me. It went like this::

Her:let's go for a drink sometime
Me: Sure, although don't be surprised if i don't drink. I'm teetotal
her:Ahh ok, don't worry you don't have to if you don't want to xx
Me: Hahah i didn't mean it like that, it's just that people often find it unusual that i don't drink and it's cos....

From then she did not text or call me back. I like called her two days later after my last text. Then texted her a day or two after and she stopped replying back. I'd like to think she lost her phone.

I found her on facebook and i am tempted to add her as the last roll of the dice before deleting her number and shit.

 

[industrian]

I've always found going out by myself to be awkward.

I feel the same way bro.

 

[Relix]

Good luck! I'm half-drunk right now and have a lunch date in 9 hours. God help me.

I really want the story after the date haha

 

[Keru_Shiri]

No rule is set in stone. Every situation and every woman is different.

That said, if you have the opportunity to meet women in real life, you really should try to work on that. Yes, you're having trouble striking up a conversation with a stranger but like anything that gives us trouble, you work on it until you're better at it. Once you're better at meeting women in real life, it'll start affecting your behavior in all social aspects for the better.

Thank you for the advice! I suppose my problem is worrying about coming across as a creeper? I know it seems silly, and what not, but the opportunity doesn't present itself too often, and I'm told I can be a rather scary looking guy (I don't see it), so it's tough to pick out good situations for just approaching someone. I'm not a completely lost cause socially, I do okay in group settings, I just need to clear that first initial hurdle when I'm on my own.

I guess my question to GAF is, as the OP said, how often does just talking to someone at a coffee shop or bookstore work out? (and once again, thank you in advance for your time)

 

[Dragon]

So on Friday I went out with the hottest girl I've ever gone out with. We had a great time just have two comments: 1. she teaches math to little kids and was mentioning a test she had for some tutoring she was doing and she didn't know what a fraction was (wtf!) and 2. we get back to her place after we went out to eat and she starts watching Housewives of Beverly Hills or some nonsense and whenever I said anything she'd shh me.

The fraction thing was kind of funny but I had to keep a straight face because she expected sympathy and I wanted to laugh at her. The other thing was just plain weird, we had vibed majorly before that, laughing etc and then she just did that. I took it as a sign to leave.

 

[JB1981]

So on Friday I went out with the hottest girl I've ever gone out with. We had a great time just have two comments: 1. she teaches math to little kids and was mentioning a test she had for some tutoring she was doing and she didn't know what a fraction was (wtf!) and 2. we get back to her place after we went out to eat and she starts watching Housewives of Beverly Hills or some nonsense and whenever I said anything she'd shh me.

The fraction thing was kind of funny but I had to keep a straight face because she expected sympathy and I wanted to laugh at her. The other thing was just plain weird, we had vibed majorly before that, laughing etc and then she just did that. I took it as a sign to leave.

She shhhhd you hahahahaahah

 

[thesoapster]

Women used to be like that a few decades ago but not anymore, at least not in my experience. Hell women ask men out all the time.

Nope. Key words are "in my experience". Well, not even just that because anyone could say to me, "Well they haven't asked you out hur hur." I've always been the one to ask. Same with every guy I know who is in my age group (21-26). I'm 22.

 

[Masamune]

So on Friday I went out with the hottest girl I've ever gone out with. We had a great time just have two comments: 1. she teaches math to little kids and was mentioning a test she had for some tutoring she was doing and she didn't know what a fraction was (wtf!) and 2. we get back to her place after we went out to eat and she starts watching Housewives of Beverly Hills or some nonsense and whenever I said anything she'd shh me.

Going out with hot girls is like candy: nice once in a while, but nothing to build your diet on. Honestly, if she was awful-looking, would you put up with that kind of idiocy/nonsense? That said, have a great time but don't invest too much emotionally.

 

[Cirekiller]

Don't know how I have the luck to end up in this situation.

Met a girl through a mutual friend mid-November last year. In a group setting we end up bantering all night getting to know each other, there was a lot of chemistry. Considered getting her number before I left adruptly cause my ride was in a rush to leave so I decided I could always get girl's number from our mutual friend.

Kind of already in a great mood from meeting a girl that shared so many common interests with me and incredibly cute. Getting back home I get a text message from her. I read it and was estatic. " Hi this is ***** from tonight ****'s friend. I thought were were kinda awesome, do with this what you will. Pretty much any guy would take this as a free invitation to ask her out. Kinda flirted a little back and forth through text and then I went to sleep. Couple days later I call to see what her plans was for Thanksgiving. Totally didn't expect her to leave her family but more of a test to see what she says. She told me her mom would not be pleased if she wasn't home for Thanksgiving but she's down to do something later on. After that it was game on we started hanging out and I invited her to my Christmas banquet as my date wish she accepted happily.

Let's just say I've never had chemistry with someone like I had with her. From interests in hobbies to our shared ideologies on life. Even when we agreed to disagree it was a lot of fun just chit chatting the night away. When I met a couple of her friends at a bar, and she wennt to buy a round for everyone. I started conversing with her friend and they started telling me how much they've heard about me already, but they didn't know my name. So I asked how do you not know my name if you've heard her talk about me. Response was hilarious... "well, when we talk about you she just refers to you as the tall sexy asian, don't you tell her we told you she'd kill us haha" I started laughing and told them that it brings a whole new meaning to the acronym TSA.

If this was a movie that would be the high point of the movie where everything is going perfectly. I was in high spirit, at work I was taking charge and getting some of the best work of my life done. Personal life wise, I just moved to Ohio from NYC so it was a breath of fresh air finding someone I truly connected with.

Now comes the turning point of the movie where everything flips and this fairy tale was too good to be true. I was heading home for christmas and wanted to suprise her with a gift. So I called up our mutual friend and asked her what her address was so I can ship it straight to her house. Mutual friend bluntly asks. Hey Dennis.. I don't want things to get awkward but she has a boyfriend. I hope you knew that....... I kinda lost my voice, kinda just apologetically changed the subject to something else and hung up the phone.

2 weeks in NYC did no good in recovering from that unexpected news. I still kept in touch with her and by the end I decided "Hey we can just be friends, she's way too much fun to just toss aside. Plus we haven't gotten physical yet which before I found out she had a boyfriend I saw of it as a red flag. Now it makes more sense and I thought maybe she thought of us as only friends anyways.

Arrive back in Ohio and nothing went as planned. We hung out on New Years Eve, and after that more and more. What was a 1 day a week hang out routine became slowly the entire weekend. One day we hung out from noontime till 4 A.M I finally get back to my room. And we always have the most awkward goodbyes, it's like both of us that usually have such a easy time striking a conversation is at a loss of words. So I head back in my room plop down on the chair and contemplate what a great day I had and I get The Text message. " I couldn't say this in front of you because I'm weird like that but I really like you". Only thing is I have a boyfriend and then I met you. Life has such terrible timing all I wanted to do was cuddle with you alll night and other unladylike things.

I'm sitting there heart pounding going WTF!! Told her I knew she had a boyfriend which was why I never made a move even though it killed me. We agreed to meet up in pesron the next day and talk it over. We end up deciding to take it slow and not rush things.

Last weekend hung out Thursday night, great night I kinda got wasted. We meet up Friday night to watch Black Swan she then had a co-workers party to go to. I had my own plans with my friends but I invited her to at least try some of my friends cooking. To my suprise not only did she stay for a sample. She stayed or dinner, and the rest of the night. It got late we decide to just sleep over. Up till this point we've had a strictly platonic relationship, never even held hands. Laying there next to her, there was an awkward 5 minutes of silence then she turned around told me how much she liked me. One thing led to another, at that moment I threw all thoughts of boyfriends and going slow, I was in heaven.
Next morning I kiss her goodbye, I could very well be the happiest man alive. She came back to the scene of the crime the next night. We were cuddling and watching an godawful horro movie and just enjoying each others company again. All of a sudden she gets a string of text messages, she goes outside to take a call and returns saying: " This is awkward and I'm sooo sorry but I have to go to my boyfriends house right now." I felt like my heart was ripped out, thrhown into a blender and hung out to dry. I try to keep my composure. Every fiber in my body wanted to tell her to just break up with him, or she needs to make a choice. But I told her to go, she needed to do what she needed to do. So she left, and I hit rock bottom.

The next morning she calls to apologize for everything, I could tell she was in bad shape. I was worse but I muster what I could and tried to cheer her up. We met up and drove around for hours, while we should've been discussing us as a couple we ended just talking abotu our childhoods, books, siblings. By the time she left, we just quickly agreed to go back to taking it slow.... and hugged her bye.

Following that, what ever composure I pretended when she was around was gone. I have never been that much of a mess. This past week I couldn't focus at work. Couldn't eat any solid food, couldn't work out, play any games. Everything just felt pointless. My only card left to play was to meet her best friend who was the mutual friend that introduced us in the first place.

We meet up and of course she knew everything that transpired. In short she feels that **** is not ready to break up with her boyfriend. But at the same time she wants me around to get to know me better and maybe I'm worth leaving her boyfriend for. Which is a whole lot of BS. According to her friend, she was happy with her BF before she met me. He was everything she looked for in a man. But when I came along I had qualities she liked that she didn't even know she liked. And I matched all the qualities her boyfriend has too.

So after this long wall of text. I kind of forgot why I typed it. Maybe I'm using Girl-age to vent my frustation. Maybe this is a way for me to get your opinions on things but, the question is.

Can someone truly be happy with his/her current partner but still meet someone that makes that question that happiness?

I'm the one that usually gives out advice. But this time love hit me hard and logic has been thrown out the window. Maybe what I'm looking for is for logic to be shoved back down my throat. If I was on the other end looking in, I'd say forget the girl, she's no good for you and you deserve better. But....it's a lot easier said then done. At the end of the day she's a incredible person. Reading this might cast her in a bad light I've never been in her shoes before so I'm not going to judge.

 

[Eggo]

Her:let's go for a drink sometime
Me: Sure, although don't be surprised if i don't drink. I'm teetotal
her:Ahh ok, don't worry you don't have to if you don't want to xx
Me: Hahah i didn't mean it like that, it's just that people often find it unusual that i don't drink and it's cos....

Not drinking is a pretty solid dealbreaker. Why don't you drink socially?

 

[JB1981]

Rough story, Cirekiller. I feel for you. Forget about her.

 

[Cirekiller]

Rough story, Cirekiller. I feel for you. Forget about her.

Part of me wish I could, part of me thinks there too many memories to cherish. That when the pain lessens I'll look back on this as a positive experience.

 

[Relix]

It is pretty damn awesome when a girl invites you over for a game night... XD

 

[msv]

Well, this girl is playing around on a boyfriend she actually likes. If you weren't so infatuated you'd be thinking that shes scum. She even initiated the cheating, sheesh. She will do the same to you (already did actually, just not as formal), even if she gives up her boyfriend to be with you.

So forget about her and cut her out of your life, immoral people like that aren't worth giving your heart to.

Part of me wish I could, part of me thinks there too many memories to cherish. That when the pain lessens I'll look back on this as a positive experience.

You're too infatuated at the moment. I won't say you can't have fun with her, but you can't let yourself keep having these feelings for a person who can do these things.

 

[vitaminwateryum]

Yeah, you have to remember that she had no problem going behind her boyfriends back to be around you. Not the kind of person you want a relationship with since she'd be likely to do the same to you.

 

[Barrage]

Shitty Deals.

I'll write this out, even though I think you're still too infatuated with her at this moment to really process the situation. Your heart will scream over your head, and you'll try to rationalize ways in which this is a good, healthy situation. In time, it'll pass.

First of all, if I were you, this:

We meet up and of course she knew everything that transpired. In short she feels that **** is not ready to break up with her boyfriend. But at the same time she wants me around to get to know me better and maybe I'm worth leaving her boyfriend for. Which is a whole lot of BS. According to her friend, she was happy with her BF before she met me. He was everything she looked for in a man. But when I came along I had qualities she liked that she didn't even know she liked. And I matched all the qualities her boyfriend has too.

Would terrify me. She was perfectly content with her boyfriend. He had everything she was looking for. But she still flirted with you, she still formed a bond with you, and she still cheated on him. With you.

What's your "best-case-scenario" here? Dating her? Because i'm afraid you're going to have to be on your toes. Because apparently being the perfect boyfriend won't stop her from finding dudes on the side. Simply put, it sounds like this girl needs an excess of attention at all times.

Are you comfortable with someone else in the role you are now? In her rolling out of another man's bed to meet up with you?

It sounds like she's getting double of everything she needs. She can get her emotional and physical needs met from her boyfriend. And she can get the same from you, at any time she wants.

Meanwhile, you're getting half of what you need. Mentally and physically, you are in half of a relationship.

My advice? Well..I think you already know. Just know that you deserve the full thing, and shouldn't settle for anything less.

 

[Cirekiller]

Well, this girl is playing around on a boyfriend she actually likes. If you weren't so infatuated you'd be thinking that shes scum. She even initiated the cheating, sheesh. She will do the same to you (already did actually, just not as formal), even if she gives up her boyfriend to be with you.

So forget about her and cut her out of your life, immoral people like that aren't worth giving your heart to.


You're too infatuated at the moment. I won't say you can't have fun with her, but you can't let yourself keep having these feelings for a person who can do these things.

Your right I think at this point the best case scenario is I take a step back and maybe we can just be friends. Which right now seems impossible cause I still have other motives...
About her cheating on her BF, he has tons of guy friends and they just had platonic relations with. We were kinda the same way if anything else I shouldn't have pursued her so hard, I just had no idea she even had a bf. I guess that's on her for not being straight with me right off the bat.

 

[Cirekiller]

I'll write this out, even though I think you're still too infatuated with her at this moment to really process the situation. Your heart will scream over your head, and you'll try to rationalize ways in which this is a good, healthy situation. In time, it'll pass.

First of all, if I were you, this:



Would terrify me. She was perfectly content with her boyfriend. He had everything she was looking for. But she still flirted with you, she still formed a bond with you, and she still cheated on him. With you.

What's your "best-case-scenario" here? Dating her? Because i'm afraid you're going to have to be on your toes. Because apparently being the perfect boyfriend won't stop her from finding dudes on the side. Simply put, it sounds like this girl needs an excess of attention at all times.

Are you comfortable with someone else in the role you are now? In her rolling out of another man's bed to meet up with you?

It sounds like she's getting double of everything she needs. She can get her emotional and physical needs met from her boyfriend. And she can get the same from you, at any time she wants.

Meanwhile, you're getting half of what you need. Mentally and physically, you are in half of a relationship.

My advice? Well..I think you already know. Just know that you deserve the full thing, and shouldn't settle for anything less.

You captured the situation and my sentiment entirely. The worst part is that even knowing this, my friend asked me if I can trust her if we ever became a couple. And I replied without a doubt 100%. Maybe it's just my emotions speaking and not my brain. /shrug

 

[Minamu]

Any way to heal a broken friendship with a girl? :lol Our friendship has never gone beyond being casually superficial, as in we barely know a damn thing about each other by my standards. It's apparently pretty much dead because she overreacted to some fairly harmless joke I must've said while drunk about 3+ months ago :lol so she's been avoiding talking to me since then, letting this childish thing build up instead of just coming clean with the whole thing when it happened. That's kinda irritating and unfair to me since I've thought we've been getting inches closer to each other each day for about 4 months, but instead we've been miles apart the whole time, just because she kept quiet about it. I kinda need to fix it since I'll probably be seeing her almost every day for the next three years, whether we want to or not.

 

[JimiNutz]

Part of me wish I could, part of me thinks there too many memories to cherish. That when the pain lessens I'll look back on this as a positive experience.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but at times like these sometimes you need an anonymous internet prick to do lay down some cold hard facts.

You've only known this girl a couple of months!
You've slept with her a couple times.
Even though you're not in a 'relationship', you're in the 'honeymoon' phase (the first three months when you meet someone and all the chemistry is there, and you click, and it feels magical, and even the thought of loosing them hurts).

This girl never mentioned she had a boyfriend, you had to find that out from one of her friends.
She didn't lie to you, but she hasn't been entirely open and honest either.
She doesn't know what she wants, and although I'm sure she really likes you, if she wanted you that badly she'd have split up with her bf before sleeping with you (and from the sounds of it leading you on so that you'd put the moves on her).

She has all of these qualities that you seem to love, and there's all this chemistry and spark between you at the moment, but long-term do you want to be with someone that displays the above qualities? (cagey about telling the truth, unsure of what she wants, willing to play with peoples feelings to 'test the waters' regardless of who else may get hurt).

For your own good bail out now.
Bail out before knowing her for three months becomes knowing her for six months, a year, two years. The longer you let this game go on the more it's likely to hurt when it, very possibly, blows up in your face.

Unless you're one of those people that is willing to put up with some of the above character traits in a partner (and I'm sure there are probably some people out there like this), be smart and call it a day before you get in any deeper.
I'd advice you don't sleep with her again, and stop hanging out with her one-on-one. If you must keep her as a friend limit it to times when you're all out with other mutual friends...

Unless you're just looking for some pussy to fuck every now an then, you don't care about wrecking some other guys relationship, and you're not the type to catch feelings easily (which it doesn't seem like from what you've said so far), no good can come of this situation as it stands currently.

 

[soultron]

Echoing Jim on this one,

You're blind to the situation right now because you're clearly very infatuated. You're justifying a lot of her sketchy behaviour because you feel it benefited you.

Hate to say it, but this girl sounds like a tramp. She early 20s, by any chance? I ask that because she sounds very immature and clearly doesn't know what she wants. That's why she had her "perfect" boyfriend until she met you.

You're not magical or special or unique. That's why I don't buy the part about her meeting you and saying, "you have qualities I didn't know existed or that I even liked!" (Bullshit.) She was craving attention and you gave it to her. You didn't know she had a boyfriend, so I'm not blaming you for approaching the situation the way you did. (Up to the time that you found out.)

The sex is awesome. If you didn't have feelings for her (which is why you proceeded, even after knowing she had a boyfriend.) I would say, "sure, ride it out and get your dick wet, bruh!" But there's no realistic or positive way you can really maintain anything with her. You can't be her friend either -- you're still attracted to her and it will be torture. And even if she did break up with her BF to be with you, could you really trust her? What if she meets someone who has "qualities I didn't know existed or that I even liked?!"

Think about it. We've all been idiots before. Just don't let her (ab)use you by saving you as a backup. Even with you as a main she can't be trusted. Sorry.

Time to start thinking about your exit strategy.

There are tonnes of girls out there who are actually awesome: attractive, smart, and trustworthy. Find one of those instead.

 

[hellclerk]

I really want the story after the date haha

Alright, as promised, here's the story. I woke up at 8:30am, feeling refreshed, sober, without even a trace of hangover. So basically, the date went on as if I got to bed at a decent hour last night. We met, talked over bison burgers, and explored SoHo for a while, stopping by the various shops. Didn't really think we clicked that much though since we have a sort of different way of seeing things. I'm a media nerd and she's sort of a fashion dork. I think I'll give it another shot later in the week, but I'm not expecting anything to come of it.

 

[Bleepey]

Not drinking is a pretty solid dealbreaker. Why don't you drink socially?

I read Angela's Ashes as a teen and it put me off alcohol. Like i didn't wanna go near the stuff not even in moderation. Went to uni did not drink till 3 days before i graduated. I was a friendly drunk and did not get into fights like i worried and only vomited a lot. Nowadays i still do not drink, although if a cute girl begs and prods me to i might take a sip just so i can make a cheap joke about a woman driving me to drink but other than that i stay away from it. I think it's like how some people who were brought up in vegetarian households for religious reasons but when they are older and lose the faith they still do not eat meat cos of how they have been conditioned.

 

[Borman]

I've been the other guy before. Blah blah I like you so much, everything I ever wanted, then goes to her boyfriends. Its not worth it, or at least it wasnt for me. It went on for months, back and forth, but it just didnt work. She ended up being a lying bitch by the end of it, and Ive ended up with someone far greater for the past 9 months. Cut your losses now.

 

[Cirekiller]

Thanks for all the advice. I need the tough love right about now, and I think I might follow through with it and cut her off. I'll see how that works out and keep you guys informed.

 

[Lard]

Not happily, no. Stuff fell apart at home years ago but they're still married.

Don't go near married chicks. It will just end up as a clusterfuck, no matter "fallen apart" things are.

 

[mcrae]

Your right I think at this point the best case scenario is I take a step back and maybe we can just be friends. Which right now seems impossible cause I still have other motives...
About her cheating on her BF, he has tons of guy friends and they just had platonic relations with. We were kinda the same way if anything else I shouldn't have pursued her so hard, I just had no idea she even had a bf. I guess that's on her for not being straight with me right off the bat.

i dont think i'd ever be cool with my girlfrined texting a guy she met at a party with "hey this is xxx xxxx's friend. i think you're really cool, do with this what you willl" or whatever it was that she texted you. and then of course the actual cheating and misleading etc etc

 

[Relix]

Alright, as promised, here's the story. I woke up at 8:30am, feeling refreshed, sober, without even a trace of hangover. So basically, the date went on as if I got to bed at a decent hour last night. We met, talked over bison burgers, and explored SoHo for a while, stopping by the various shops. Didn't really think we clicked that much though since we have a sort of different way of seeing things. I'm a media nerd and she's sort of a fashion dork. I think I'll give it another shot later in the week, but I'm not expecting anything to come of it.

Media and Fashin can mix I guess =P.

On the other hand I basically spent the whole day talking to the girl, couldn't go to the game night due to work reasons, etc. So while I talked a lot with her I didn't get anywhere. Felt like running in circles.

It's amazing. I can meet a girl in a pub/club and immediately connect with her, yet when I am aiming for maybe something sightly more serious I am failing like a motherfucker haha

 

[hellclerk]

Media and Fashin can mix I guess =P.

On the other hand I basically spent the whole day talking to the girl, couldn't go to the game night due to work reasons, etc. So while I talked a lot with her I didn't get anywhere. Felt like running in circles.

It's amazing. I can meet a girl in a pub/club and immediately connect with her, yet when I am aiming for maybe something sightly more serious I am failing like a motherfucker haha

Then don't aim? I mean, if you mess up when you're thinking about it, don't think about it. Just let it come along. That's sort of what I did, I just have an old, bad habit of keeping people at a certain distance that I have to overcome, so I'm in a sort of catch 22.

Anyway, I'm going to give it another shot over the week, be a bit different about it. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I'll let it be.

 

[soultron]

Anyone else been in a funk where they want to be single, but kind of want to go on dates... just for the fun of it?

I'm jobless right now (a little self-conscious about being poor-ish lately) so that's my main reason I don't want to get into a relationship right now. Plus, I just got out a long one. I also have a tonne of things going on with school and extra-curriculars.

It's just... I enjoy hanging out and flirting with girls. But it sucks right now that I feel I can't. Plus, girls beat beating off. (Zing.)

Had to vent, I guess.

 

[Relix]

Then don't aim? I mean, if you mess up when you're thinking about it, don't think about it. Just let it come along. That's sort of what I did, I just have an old, bad habit of keeping people at a certain distance that I have to overcome, so I'm in a sort of catch 22.

Anyway, I'm going to give it another shot over the week, be a bit different about it. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I'll let it be.

Meh, yeah I guess Ill just let it flow and not force.

Anyone else been in a funk where they want to be single, but kind of want to go on dates... just for the fun of it?

I'm jobless right now (a little self-conscious about being poor-ish lately) so that's my main reason I don't want to get into a relationship right now. Plus, I just got out a long one. I also have a tonne of things going on with school and extra-curriculars.

It's just... I enjoy hanging out and flirting with girls. But it sucks right now that I feel I can't. Plus, girls beat beating off. (Zing.)

Had to vent, I guess.

*raises hand* I love being single, but in these dates going out I met a really nice one, which is what I am working for right now =P

 

[border]

I don't want to encourage anyone to take on the responsibility of love/care for an animal just for the sake of meeting women......but holy shit, get a dog. Preferably a big, cuddly, friendly one. I just moved in with a roommate who has a very sweet large breed dog, and I found a neighborhood bar that lets you take your dog inside or sit outside on the patio with it.

Good god, I can't go there without talking to at least 5 women a night as they come up to pet and fawn over the dog. Most of them are not the greatest prospects or anything, but it's easily the best icebreaker ever. You get practice talking with women, and when you run out of things to say you can kinda just direct attention to the dog by petting it or playing with it.

Still though, it's a lot of work. I'm mostly glad that the dog is technically my roommate's, since I don't really want to be responsible for the health and well-being of an animal that is going to live for 10+ years. If you love dogs though, go for it. If you don't, start looking for a roommate or friend whose dog you can borrow

 

[Timo]

It's weird how you can go from making out with a girl and getting a bit naked drunk to square one sober. Shit is so backwards these days.

P.S. Licked on my first set of tits for the year, thank you lord.

 

[SephCast]

Wall o' Text

I read that whole thing, and I definitely feel for you man, but this is one of the times where you can't let one person take complete control of you and your emotions. Have fun, enjoy life, but don't hype things up so much. No hype. You knew, going in, that things would probably end up hairy. Sure she's probably the most amazing girl you've ever met, but you have to keep control.

 

[dskillzhtown]

You captured the situation and my sentiment entirely. The worst part is that even knowing this, my friend asked me if I can trust her if we ever became a couple. And I replied without a doubt 100%. Maybe it's just my emotions speaking and not my brain. /shrug

Let me give you an example of what can happen here -

My brother-in-law was married, met a girl that was perfect for him, they had an affair for 2 years. The girl he was cheating with told him he needed to make a decision, and he made it. He divorced his wife for her. They have been happily married for 11 years now. Sometimes meeting another person who treats you like you want to be treated opens your eyes to what is lacking in your current relationship. It is something positive coming out of a negative for sure though.

Of course the alternative is that she is using you to get eveyrthing she is missing from her bf. So that she has the perfect relationship. Maybe getting tenderness and cuddling from you and the rough, taking charge side of him. So she would have no reason to leave either of you. One thing that puzzles me is what is this bf thinking while she is with you for hours? It just seems werid that he would be cool with her disappearing for hours.

I guess what I am saying is that great relationships have started with one party cheating. As much as this fact is ignored, it is true. Sometimes you do get with the wrong person and "settle". You meet the right person who reminds you that you can upgrade. Only she knows what the deal is in her mind. If I were you I would be open and ask her about it. I mean, if you are considering cutting her off entirely, then what would be the harm?

 

[msv]

Let me give you an example of what can happen here -

My brother-in-law was married, met a girl that was perfect for him, they had an affair for 2 years. The girl he was cheating with told him he needed to make a decision, and he made it. He divorced his wife for her. They have been happily married for 11 years now. Sometimes meeting another person who treats you like you want to be treated opens your eyes to what is lacking in your current relationship. It is something positive coming out of a negative for sure though.

How can you be sure he hasn't cheated on this woman? I'm sure you found out he was cheating on the first wife only after the fact? I wouldn't be able to trust anyone like that to be honest. I wouldn't be able to be on the other side of something as horrible as that as well. This is assuming that the relationship with the one being cheated on is a good one.

 

[soultron]

Not to shit on dskillz's post, but just remember Cirekiller, most times you are the rule rather than the exception. Anecdotal evidence is a killer in these situations because they inflate the odds and help you justify what you know you probably shouldn't be doing.

Just because one person lived to tell the story of how they jumped off a cliff and lived, there are thousands of other people who died doing it. One person out of thousands means your odds are already terrible. You can take the risk, sure, but you're pretty much guaranteed to end up hurting later.

 

[HighAmperage]

I guess what I am saying is that great relationships have started with one party cheating. As much as this fact is ignored, it is true.

Yep..relationships don't start in a vacuum. Especially with desirable girls who are almost always in some stage of seeing someone.

But I'm talking about people who aren't married/engaged.

 

[WyndhamPrice]

Tough situation, but she really seems like damaged goods. You didn't break her and you can't fix her. Seems a little cold, I know.

Also, your white knight/savior complex is going to cause you a lot of pain.

Perhaps, but within 24 hours of me making that post things turned around in my favor.

Talking helps.

I am a bit of white knight, I admit it. It kind of fucked me over in my last relationship so I'm very observant of how far I go on the understand-o-meter. Fool me once, etc.

 

[Cirekiller]

Let me give you an example of what can happen here -

My brother-in-law was married, met a girl that was perfect for him, they had an affair for 2 years. The girl he was cheating with told him he needed to make a decision, and he made it. He divorced his wife for her. They have been happily married for 11 years now. Sometimes meeting another person who treats you like you want to be treated opens your eyes to what is lacking in your current relationship. It is something positive coming out of a negative for sure though.

Of course the alternative is that she is using you to get eveyrthing she is missing from her bf. So that she has the perfect relationship. Maybe getting tenderness and cuddling from you and the rough, taking charge side of him. So she would have no reason to leave either of you. One thing that puzzles me is what is this bf thinking while she is with you for hours? It just seems werid that he would be cool with her disappearing for hours.

I guess what I am saying is that great relationships have started with one party cheating. As much as this fact is ignored, it is true. Sometimes you do get with the wrong person and "settle". You meet the right person who reminds you that you can upgrade. Only she knows what the deal is in her mind. If I were you I would be open and ask her about it. I mean, if you are considering cutting her off entirely, then what would be the harm?

There's no way for me to measure the fact but I have a distinct feeling she's been hanging out with me a whole lot more then her boyfriend these past couple of months. When we first met she was working crazy hours due to the holidays. When we made dates she would get out of work 1-2 hours late sometimes but she always showed up to meet me even if it was 1 AM in the morning and she had to open the next morning at 8 AM. And she had a hour drive back and forth. She never stood me up which at the time even though I would have totally understood in those situations if she called and said work had her bogged down, I really thought that was a positive quality.

After the holidays and now she had more free time, she was always the one asking when did I want to hang out. Past 3 weeks we hung out pretty much the whole weekend. Apart from the time she left me to go to her boyfriends house cause he texted her, I never heard them talk the entire time we were together. I found out she had a boyfriend right before christmas but it was almost like he didn't exist. He didn't have a facebook page, she never talked about him. When she was with me she devoted 100% of her attention on me. Maybe that was why it was easier for me to just let things go on.

Her friend's don't know him that well either, whom I get along well with. Multiple of her friends pulled me aside from the group and ask me what's going on. They all told me I was a much better match then her current bf and wished me luck.

I'm not all lovey dovey with her either. When we're together I make it a point to push her to go get her college degree. She's too smart of a girl to just let time pass her. She joked on multiple occasions that I'm quite bossy, which she found really cute. Fact is I truly care for her well being and she knows this.

Your anecdote actually made me feel a lot better about all this. I still think just forgetting this whole deal is the best bet for my long term welfare. But deep down I just think some things are worth fighting for. her friend did tell me that she is not the type to go cheat on her bf. Her best friend said she's kind of disappointed she did cheat but she could see why because it was with me.