Tkawsome said:
I'm just asking for people to elaborate a bit on their experiences since a lot of this stuff has been very vague. It doesn't help to hear "pick up body language", I'm curious to hear what they generally notice when they're looking for body language. Same thing with my last response. Saying you got better at attraction doesn't really mean anything, say what you changed and how you got results from it.
And honestly, there wasn't really any advice to act on in those posts. They were more personal experiences then anything. You did have a good recommendation, I'm looking to pick up that book. I need to at least wait until pay day for that though.
As for self-improvement, that's been a constant area of focus. I'm always looking for my weaknesses and work towards turning them into strengths. I've been putting in the time and effort my whole life. If there are any areas I need to focus on, it's experience and trust since most of my problems stem from my lack of both those things.
I've gone through your last few posts in this thread, so hopefully I can create a decent response for you.
First off, I will refer to confidence a lot in this post. By the end of it, you'll probably be sick of the word. However, I cannot underestimate the importance of it. It is the single most important word in the dating world and hopefully I can explain why with enough detail.
Secondly, try not to feel too down about things not working out so hot right now. Dating is one of those things that ebbs and flows. Like they say, when it rains it pours. Granted, it seems your spell on the bench has been going for a while now, but even then try not to worry about it too much. Sometimes we can control what happens, but sometimes we can't. Sometimes we feel like we can do nothing wrong, but something we can't seem to do anything right. To what degree this occurs varies from person to person, but I can assure you that you're not 'broken' or in any way on your own with this. I know I've liked girls in the past, felt like I was doing the right thing and yet for some reason they got with douchebags or, in all modesty, uglier friends of mine. And I'd sit there thinking "what am I doing wrong?" But then other times it was as if everything I did turned to gold. It just works like that, and as we get older and more mature, we do become better at it.
Now, your response to Imaginary Insider's view that dating doesn't fix anything wasn't incorrect. But you also need to keep in mind that being with a girl won't change everything. I often equate being in a relationship to drinking - if you are in a poor state of mind, it's a very, very bad idea. And if you're feeling great about yourself, it only makes things better. And this is what brings me to something very important - do not approach relationships as a means of filling a void. They should only be seen as an addition. If someone is feeling depressed and insecure, and begins to think that being with a girl with turn this around for him, he is embarking on a dangerous road. The only way to enter the dating world is to feel good about yourself. Otherwise, you are only doing a disservice to yourself (and to any girl who may become attached to you). It will only amplify any feeling of depression and only expose any lack of self-esteem.
You've told us that you've got a sense of humour, keen interests that keep you occupied, a healthy lifestyle and good looks to boot. This is good. It means you feel good about what you have to offer and what you consist of as a person. That's already a big step in the right direction. Any insecurity about ourselves becomes immediately obvious to any girl with half a brain and is an immediate turnoff. I'll get to that later. For now, don't perceive what you said earlier as in any way arrogant. It's merely a sign that you are content on your current state of being, and that's great. However, your posts also indicate a considerable need for a girl. Keep in mind that it's not bad to want to be with someone. We all want to. But you do seem to be placing too much emphasis on having a relationship. You seem to be pretty lonely, and whilst being with a girl will indeed improve this to an extent, the fact that you feel this way (at what appears to be a young age) is a little concerning. As I said, you need to approach the dating world in a way that you perceive girls as being an addition to an already productive lifestyle - not the means of filling a void.
Let's talk about attraction, since you seem a bit stumped about it. As I mentioned above, sometimes what you do will work without a hitch. Other times it will be as if you can't do anything right. And that's ok. It happens to everyone. That said, as we get more and more experienced, we become more aware of what tends to work, what doesn't and how to go about things. Essentially our 'game' becomes refined and improved over time. It's why we look back and cringe at what we used to do when we were young and inexperienced. Somehow we thought those were good ideas back then. They weren't, and we learn from that. And we keep learning for a good while. Also keep in mind that it differs from girl to girl. Just because what you did with one girl worked, doesn't mean it will work with another. Also, for future reference, don't be concerned if you have off days. We all have them and whilst frustrating, you just have to put up with it. Often they come up at the worst times but they'll get less and less common with experience.
Confidence. Confidence confidence confidence. I'm going to drill it into you. Why? I have no hesitation in saying that nearly everything involved in attracting women comes down to confidence. Confidence is more than just feeling good about yourself - it's about what comes with feeling good about yourself. Confidence will:
- Make you funnier
- Make you a better conversationalist
- Make you more interesting
- Make your appear more comfortable in your own body
- Make you a better flirter in general
- Make you more willing to take risks
And more. It's not just about feeling good about yourself, but why. Everyone has the above things to offer but are inhibited by their own doubt and lack of self-esteem. Now keep in mind something important - not everyone is naturally confident. In fact, I'd say most people aren't. And that's nothing to be ashamed about. Just as it's important to be as confident about yourself as you can be, it's equally important to not be somebody you're not. We can all be confident but that doesn't mean we have to be somebody else. The important thing is that you appear confident about who you are, and you appear confident because you
are confident. If anything attracts women, it's confidence. Women want someone who is comfortable in their own shoes. They want someone who will take risks, be uninhibited, be spontaneous and lack any sense of desperation or need. It's like a magnet, and girls have some freaky sixth sense for it. So not only will your own 'game' be better - you'll be funnier, a better conversationalist and flirter - but girls will be more receptive to it as well. I cannot overstate the importance of confidence.
As a side note, keep in mind that you just won't be able to attract certain girls. Unless you look like Brad Pitt, it's pretty much going to be up to the girl whether or not she finds you attractive. Yes, you can make yourself appear more attractive but in the end everyone has their types. Maybe she thinks you're too skinny, or maybe it's because you have sharp knees. Maybe she likes your traditional jock, or maybe she likes someone more reserved. Heck, she might just not like your nose. Don't be offended or discouraged by this. Unless you look like the Jabba the Hutt's cousin, there are going to be smoking hot girls out there who find you attractive.
Also keep in mind that, most of the time, a girl will make her judgement of you very early on. And once she has...well, it's hard to change. If she doesn't find you attractive in the first five minutes, chances are she never will. First impressions are
huge and whilst this sounds like a downer, if you're confident in yourself what is there to fear? Give her something to remember right from the start.
Now, body language. This also varies from girl to girl. Most things remain consistent, but the degree to which they are displayed is what varies. It's why girls remain so hard to read after all these years (and why guys tend to look too much into things). You'll find that some girls tend to be very open and obvious with how they act in front of you. Some are sluts, some are just very outgoing. Many other girls will be very subtle and reserved. Assuming the girl is interested, this is almost always because they don't want to appear slutty or needy as such behaviour has a considerable stigma attached to it. I'm always amazed by how often friends of mine who are girls will bring this up to me whenever we discuss things like this. It's a big deal for them, not only because of how men will perceive them but often more because of how other girls will. Also keep in mind that both types of girls are still hard to read if you're trying to tell whether or not they are interested. Just because she's open and receptive doesn't mean she's automatically interested in you - it may just be her typical personality. And, of course, the subtle girls are a pain in the ass too.
However, there is generally a fair bit of consistency. The following are some things that girls who are interested will tend to display. Some will be subtle, some won't.
- She doesn't mind being close to you. This doesn't have to mean that she's on your lap (if they are, you're 100% in by the way) but if you're simply talking and she's close to you, she's clearly not repulsed.
- The hit. Every guy loves the hit because it's a girl wanting to touch you but mask it as a playful and non-slutty gesture. It's also a sign of good flirting on your behalf. If you get this, you're on the right track.
- With that, any touching in general. If she grabs your arm, or if you're in a club and she grabs your hand, these are all good signs.
- Touching her hair. This is a subtle but important one. You gotta love the subconscious shit. This is generally a sign of nervousness and trying to calm herself down. Nervousness in the dating world is almost always associated with excitement. We're nervous because we're excited and we're excited because we want things to go well and we want things to go well because we're nervous.
- Tone. A subtle but good one. A soft, slightly higher voice can mean several things - for instance, it might mean that she's nervous and more aware of what she is saying, which is good because she wants to make a good impression for you. It can also mean that she wants to come off interested and engaged instead of bored - a dull, mundane tone is a true enemy. I tend to look at the "hi" as a great indicator - if it's soft and slightly higher than how she addresses others, that's a really good sign. It means she's happy to see you.
- Smiling. There are smiles and then there are smiles. It takes time to learn the difference but there's the "I want to be nice" smile and the much more preferable "I want to look cute for you" smile.
- Laughing. Another huge one. If she likes you, she will likely laugh at your jokes and witty comments no matter how crap they might be. Of course, telling a good joke doesn't hurt. Plus, you gotta love the giggle.
- She's looking at you. Generally girls who are interested will attend to you more than she attends to others. She'll look at you more instead of looking around the room.
- Talking to her friends and looking/smiling at you. If you're in the vicinity and this happens, jackpot! Personally I have always known I'm in when this happens.
And here are some red lights:
- She's not paying attention to you. Is she looking around the room for others? Playing with her phone? Not really listening to what you're saying? It means you haven't got her attention and she's losing interest, if she had any to start with.
- There's a clear division between where you are and where she is. The opposite of the 'close rule.' If she's actively not sitting/standing close to you, sorry buddy.
- She sounds bored. It might not even be your fault - it's likely she just wasn't interested in the first place.
- i r serious girl. No laughing or smiling shows that she's either not comfortable or she's not interested. The first you can change, the other might be too late.
- Her friends are cold. If a girl likes you, she will tell her friends how great you are. The friends will then, more often than not, be nice and welcoming to you. If they're cold, chances are she's told them that you're coming on strong but she doesn't want a part of it.
- You touch her and she flinches. Girls want to be touched. They love it. They love embracing guys, they love dancing closely with guys and they love guys initiating physical contact. If she's not touching you, don't stress too much. However, if you touch her and she's not receptive, then that's not good at all.
I hope that helps. Feel free to ask any questions.
