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[TomServo]

Don't waste your money on a divorce lawyer or the divorce process. If you have joint accounts or are both on a house and/or car its going to be a pain in the ass. You will want to get your name off of everything you can ASAP. A divorce decree is more like a suggestion of guidelines that you should follow but if you don't there aren't really and penalties.
In my divorce I took almost all of the debt and the house. She didn't have a job and was a complete waste of space. She actually went to jail for having 3 DUI's in 2 months but thats a different story. She was responsible for a small portion of debt and her car but didn't pay on either and 3 years later I have lawyers calling me and trying to garnish my wages and collect reasonable attorney fees. They wont go after her because she still doesn't have a job so they can't get anything from her.
I'm sure people will disagree with me but I'm coming from experience.

What your lawyer failed to help you understand was that a marital settlement agreement does not override a financial obligation you made.

If your name is on a debt, no divorce decree in the world can take it off. My lawyer made that crystal clear to me. That's why I took the underwater house, the car that wasn't paid for, the HELOC, etc. The debt my spouse took with her was hers and hers alone - student loans, credit cards that I wasn't even an authorized user on, etc.

Without kids and with minimal assets, my main desire for a lawyer was to make sure all if the i's were dotted and t's crossed. An expensive luxury, no doubt.

I will say this; lawyer or not, handle the settlement outside of court. A lot of family law is based on guidelines, not hard and fast rules, so letting it go to a judge and getting the wrong one can be a disaster.

 

[charsace]

60% of marriages end in divorce OP. Now you can live life without being tied down.

 

[IHaveCandy]

First of all, IANAL.

From what I understood when I was going through my divorce, it'd be rare for either party to "lose" the house outright.

Your income during the marriage is considered marital property. If a married couple purchases a house and pays the mortgage during the marriage, they both have equal claim. It makes no difference who's writing the check, because more than likely it's current income that the mortgage is being paid with, and current income is marital property.

People who "lose" the house do it through negotiation. Ideally, the person who is quitting their claim would get monetary compensation for their portion of the equity, but most don't have that kind of cash sitting around (especially during divorce), so they find other ways to be compensated. Also, it's common for parents to not want their kids to have to leave their home, so they give up claim instead of selling and splitting the proceeds.

In general, marital property isn't forfeit because of infidelity. Alimony can be forfeit in some states, but for marital assets the intent during divorce is to slice everything of value down the middle. Even property brought into the marriage can become commingled... I had a house when I got remarried, but the mortgage is now paid with my current income. It would be difficult for me to claim sole ownership, because it would be difficult for me to establish that marital funds aren't being used to pay the mortgage. That our finances are still separate doesn't matter, because my wife has as much claim to my income as I do, no matter whose account it goes into.

I can understand the case with kids. But if we are talking about a case with no kids, the man works as the breadwinner and the woman does not work or barely works and the woman cheated on the man, can the woman make any real case in negotiation that she deserves the house? Maybe I'm asking a question that has too many stipulations to simply answer yes or no. I just find that possibility rather disturbing.

 

[Darth Pinche]

So sorry to hear what you're going through OP. But things will get better. Your soon to be ex-wife is a total coward and does not deserve you. If she was so unhappy, she needed to be open about it, so the two of you can work it out or decide to end things, like adults. Her cheating is a weaklings way to deal with relationships issues.

Have a good time at the pub and change the locks at you house this weekend, get her out of there, so she can "start her new life" with the other jackass.

 

[kurbaan]

Cant you get the wife to give up rights in the divorce?

but probably the best thing would be to

The wife and other dude

 

[RurouniZel]

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I strongly agree with those that while it will be painful at first, in the long run you will likely be happier and healthier to divorce her and cut off all ties. After a while you will likely feel a huge weight fall off of your shoulders, and hopefully if/when you're ready to re-enter the market you'll find someone who will be better for you.

*hugs*

 

[EarsOfASnake]

60% of marriages end in divorce OP. Now you can live life without being tied down.

Is that a US figure? I know in the UK it is closer to 45%. It's really quite crazy how high that rate is, although we are dealing with complex human interaction. Still, if someone told you that 50% of people who went bungie jumping never came back then you would probably say 'fuck that'.

 

[TomServo]

I can understand the case with kids. But if we are talking about a case with no kids, the man works as the breadwinner and the woman does not work or barely works and the woman cheated on the man, can the woman make any real case in negotiation that she deserves the house? Maybe I'm asking a question that has too many stipulations to simply answer yes or no. I just find that possibility rather disturbing.

Yes, or more specifically she could make the case that half of the house is hers.

Legally, your income is your spouse's income.
If the marital home is bought and paid for by marital income, it's marital property.

Equitable distribution comes into play when you bring assets into the marriage that become commingled.

Also, kids have no bearing on marital settlement. Child support and custody is something that's handled outside of marriage every day.

 

[IHaveCandy]

Yes, or more specifically she could make the case that half of the house is hers.

Legally, your income is your spouse's income.
If the marital home is bought and paid for by marital income, it's marital property.

Equitable distribution comes into play when you bring assets into the marriage that become commingled.

That just seems incredibly stupid. I understand not wanting a partner to feel like they are trapped in a marriage or face being financially lost, but I feel like that shouldn't be anybody's problem to worry about when that partner is being unfaithful.

 

[Waluigilicious]

Am I the only one that feels really depressed when I read topics like this? Almost as if it's happened to me and not the op. Weird.

 

[Seigyoku]

She doesn't want kids, I do. One of our biggest issues.

I cannot say this enough times.

DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. IF. YOU. DON'T. AGREE. ON. KIDS.

I know it is anecdotal but every marriage I know save one where they were not in agreement on the kid thing (even if the agreement was "shrug, we'll see") has ended in divorce. Sometimes post kid (POOR KID).

That one where they are still married I swear will last just to spite me but my point stands.

So, sorry OP, it's over.

 

[TomServo]

That just seems incredibly stupid. I understand not wanting a partner to feel like they are trapped in a marriage or face being financially lost, but I feel like that shouldn't be anybody's problem to worry about when that partner is being unfaithful.

I know some states will assign fault to a divorce, and a cheating spouse can be denied alimony, but I don't know of any that would declare someone's claim to existing assets void because of infidelity or other defined fault.

 

[diunxx]

Sing this to her while you kick her out of the house.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPLOI0PFoF8

 

[striferser]

I'm sorry to hear that OP.Y
eah, probably going separate way is the best for both of you. Trying to mend it now is just harder on the long run.

 

[Newline]

I wasn't referring to the OP, it was in response to this post that makes it sound like it's not possible for a woman to not want children:

I'm presuming that he was suggesting if she hasn't changed her mind by that point then she's not going to so he should bail if he wants kids.. and not that marriage without the desire to have kids is doomed because well that's just absurd.

 

[MrToughPants]

I'm confused. I'm not the perfect husband, but I'm by no means a bad one either. I love her more than anything, but the way things have been going I knew we were headed to a crossroads. She made herself really easy to catch, and I wonder if she saw this as a way out.

It could be many things: she never loved you, she fell out of love or she needed something from you that you didn't provide.

My ex thought she loved me more than anything but she clearly had some other fucking idea of what love was because she was an affectionate black hole.

 

[jordan0386]

No kids. No point in marriage.

 

[Petrie]

No kids. No point in marriage.

Glad you've decided to be up front about what an idiot you are.

 

[Greenzxy]

Sorry to hear that OP.

 

[lmpaler]

It'll suck, trust me I have been in this position, but take it from someone who stuck it out and tried to make it work and rebuild, get out now.

Mine ended in the long run anyways because once that level of trust is really broken it is damn near impossible to get it back. It took another year and a half of my ex and I fighting, working on things and trying to move forward, but if it wasn't the cheating part it was something else on either end. The stress isn't worth it man.

Cut the ties and leave

 

[IHaveCandy]

Glad you've decided to be up front about what an idiot you are.

Yeah, I'd just shorten it to "No point in marriage", but hey not everybody will agree with that.

 

[dreamcastfan]

Generally, I think one reason marriages are over so quickly is because the PHYSICAL is first then the EMOTIONAL. It should be the other way around. The first way is the cart before the horse.
I really NEVER understood why people cheat in the first place. If someone feels something is lacking in the marriage , talk about it. Keep communication open. (Again, generally, not directed to the OP)


OP, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I will pray things turn out as well as they can.

 

[lethial]

Cant you get the wife to give up rights in the divorce?

but probably the best thing would be to

The wife and other dude

Sit on the couch with them and play with guns?

 

[ScreenSplitter]

There are plenty of honest women who would love to have kids with a devoted guy OP.

 

[Zen_Arcade]

Is that a US figure? I know in the UK it is closer to 45%. It's really quite crazy how high that rate is, although we are dealing with complex human interaction. Still, if someone told you that 50% of people who went bungie jumping never came back then you would probably say 'fuck that'.

I think people always just assume that divorce will never happen to them, so the statistics aren't a big deal to them.

Plus love makes you do crazy things.

 

[MogCakes]

I think people always just assume that divorce will never happen to them, so the statistics aren't a big deal to them.

Plus love makes you do crazy things.

Lust, rather. I don't think a lot of people actually know what love is.

 

[Tex117]

The people telling you to get out now, and get a far away from her as possible are not doing this so you can look like a "cold badass", they are telling you this because in a few years, you will look back at this terrible period in your life and wish you did things differently, that you werent so "nice" and accommodating.

You have already done enough nice things for her i am sure, you also did not cheat on her and you even helped her along by discovering this on your own. Even if this woman is a angel on earth, she is secretly glad you discovered it yourself, as it saves her from having to really do anything than sleep on a couch and make a bunch of excuses to you why she did it.

After some time you will lose most of whatever positive feelings you have for this person, and then you will look on this situation with far more blunt eyes and wish you were stricter, hence the many advice to get out as fast as possible, do not try to make this any easier for her, stand up for yourself, you and every other person in the world deserves more respect than being cheated on, and in a marriage no less.

This is a really good post.

 

[C00kie M0nster]

Emotional cheating is a hundred times worse than physical cheating. It's not even close. I can forgive a quick fuck. I can't forgive having a girl drop a nuke on my heart.

 

[KillGore]

Am I the only one that feels really depressed when I read topics like this? Almost as if it's happened to me and not the op. Weird.

I've felt it before and I do now with this thread. Getting married this year (been with here for 5 years now) and I hope I never have to go through this. Unfortunately, people change and what was once thought to be impossible, might become possible.

I'm sorry to hear about that OP. Stay strong, brother. If you ever need to talk, contact me.

 

[hwalker84]

I hate to hear things like this OP. But in these situations it's hard for me to imagine it's just emotional especially if she offered to instantly leave. Also it's hard for me to imagine after months of a relationship another man sending pictures and writing how deeply in love his is if he isn't having sex.

I haven't been in this situation but I know if it comes down to it you have to be strong and move on. Friends and family will help.

 

[Deified Data]

Sit on the couch with them and play with guns?

And eat cake.

 

[enzo_gt]

Seems like she's moved on OP. It sucks, but it's on you now to make decisions that will also put you in a situation where you can get as many positives coming out of this and moving on.

Of course it's easier said than done, but it's time for some goal setting.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

You handled that better than I would have, TC. That's for damn sure.

As with most things, time heals the wounds. Do not expect to feel particularly good for some time. But it will get easier and you'll find someone who enjoys and appreciates you as much as you should be appreciated. Someone that you won't just be bedmates with.

 

[faridmon]

OP, my only advice is, never blame yourself and grief yourself for being the bad side of the relationship. Even if you happen to do bad things, she probably have done bad things to balance yourself out. Do not be depressed just because of ifs and buts, the sooner you held your head high and accept yourself the better. Hope you have e better life since break up do suck.

That is easier said than done since I still blame myself for whatever happened between me and my Ex, and shit sucks

 

[Devolution]

Cant you get the wife to give up rights in the divorce?

but probably the best thing would be to

The wife and other dude

Another original idea from Shia LeBeouf.

 

[Arde5643]

I wasn't referring to the OP, it was in response to this post that makes it sound like it's not possible for a woman to not want children:

That post was referring to the OP wanting kids and the woman not wanting kids.

 

[J-Rod]

Very sorry to hear it, OP. Nothing I can say to help or make it better, so I just hope you get through it all and that things get better for you.

 

[PflargBlarg]

This is something you should have discussed prior to marriage - and should have been your first clue. I have NEVER... EVVVVVER seen a relationship work out when 2 people are at opposites when it comes to kids after they've been married. Some people have a change of heart, but those who vehemently don't want children (especially women) are too career driven or self-absorbed.

It's time to get a divorce and move on.

That's a pretty fucked up thing to say.

 

[GuessWho]

Hey OP, same thing happened to me. These fucking bitches. I was a great husband too and she took advantage of my trust.
I knew there was no way I can live a happy life with her anymore, so we got a divorce. I actually told her that while I may forgive you, I can't forget what you've done, and the trust we had before is gone. I can't be in a relationship without trust. .
Been single for a year now, gone out plenty of times but it's actually hard to pick another gf/wife. You don't want to get bitten twice, so I've become extremely picky. It's very annoying and I'm actually doubting myself sometimes. I'm also saying is she better then my ex-wife? I'm having a real hard time.
Oh well c'est la vie.

 

[Maninthemirror]

Another original idea from Shia LeBeouf.

Oh now you are just going off topic

 

[charsace]

Is that a US figure? I know in the UK it is closer to 45%. It's really quite crazy how high that rate is, although we are dealing with complex human interaction. Still, if someone told you that 50% of people who went bungie jumping never came back then you would probably say 'fuck that'.

which is what I say to marriage.

 

[AColdDay]

Get out. Get out now. They have fucked. If you don't get out now you WILL regret it later. This is a guarantee. Trust me. You've been warned.

Life goes on. It hurts. It sucks. It feels like the end of the world. It's not. Life does go on and you will be happy again. Don't be a chump. Get. Out.

This is the right answer. It will be difficult but doing the right thing is difficult sometimes. Be strong, get some distance and recover. Find some friends or family and be with them.

 

[CrankyJay]

I posted this in another thread under similar circumstances.

"Stay strong, she's going to say shit that will fuck with your mind and it's going to make you question yourself."

 

[akira28]

Sit on the couch with them and play with guns?

I hung out with them and gave them a television.

(I didn't find out until later)

 

[MIMIC]

Being cheated on sucks so hard. Sorry to hear about your situation, OP

 

[Particle Physicist]

Oh now you are just going off topic

lol. Ok. At this point I am thinking that you actually know him in person. (Shia, not the OP)

 

[IdreamofHIME]

What country she from? Was she in contact with this guy while you were both away for the month in her country?

 

[kitsuneyo]

Believe when I say this. One day shell come knocking on your door. Crying herself out and accepting she was wrong. Begging you to take her back. That she will change and make you happy and work out your relationship.

Then do this, let her in, have crazy monkey sex with her and when its over, grab some pocket change and throw it beside her. Tell her thats all you got and thank you.

I hope I'd never do that to any person lol

Hey OP, same thing happened to me. These fucking bitches. I was a great husband too and she took advantage of my trust.
I knew there was no way I can live a happy life with her anymore, so we got a divorce. I actually told her that while I may forgive you, I can't forget what you've done, and the trust we had before is gone. I can't be in a relationship without trust. .
Been single for a year now, gone out plenty of times but it's actually hard to pick another gf/wife. You don't want to get bitten twice, so I've become extremely picky. It's very annoying and I'm actually doubting myself sometimes. I'm also saying is she better then my ex-wife? I'm having a real hard time.

Oh well c'est la vie.

Thanks mate, this is the kind of thing I was wanting to hear. I can believe it's tough but I hope you're having some fun as well. You sound really similar in your outlook to me.

---

Update:

I went out to a few different pubs and bars with my brother. He's always been a fucking hero to me and he really came through for me with amazing advice and support and a brilliant night. Legendary fucking brother. yeah I'm drunk.

Then I get home. She's not here. I Whatsapp her, "you with yr dude? having fun?"

She replies she's at the pub with this other guy, part of the same circle. I say, "to me he's just your bf's bitch friend, so fuck him"

It's over.

GAF, you are fucking amazing for all the support you've given me in this thread. Seriously, it's early days but I feel like a strong fucking man. Thank you.

 

[Magik]

Generally, I think one reason marriages are over so quickly is because the PHYSICAL is first then the EMOTIONAL. It should be the other way around. The first way is the cart before the horse.

I really NEVER understood why people cheat in the first place. If someone feels something is lacking in the marriage , talk about it. Keep communication open. (Again, generally, not directed to the OP)

I find nowadays it just seems easier for people to simply cut and run at the first sign of trouble rather than take the time to talk and work things out.

 

[JennyTablina]

Generally, I think one reason marriages are over so quickly is because the PHYSICAL is first then the EMOTIONAL. It should be the other way around. The first way is the cart before the horse.
I really NEVER understood why people cheat in the first place. If someone feels something is lacking in the marriage , talk about it. Keep communication open. (Again, generally, not directed to the OP)


OP, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I will pray things turn out as well as they can.

Ahh if only it were as black and white as that.

The physical doesn't even really count in this situation. OP doesn't need to tell the whole story, but relationships don't just fail because your not doing enough in the bedroom, or forgetting to occasionally buy the missus roses and a card. These things *can* be factors but the real communication reason relationships fail is in your last sentence. Communication.

A relationship relies on both parties playing ball and being able to trust where their shots are going (so to speak) in this situation OP was doing all he could to call out his shots and make sure his wife was going to catch them. But the wife got distracted and missed them all. When your in a situation like that, you can keep trying till the cows go home, but your ultimately just fighting a battle you'll inevitably lose when that person decides the attractive new thing is worth leaving the ball court for, or eventually decides to get out of the relationship in some other manner.

It's awful because you ask yourself why you were not good enough for them even though you went insane lengths to make them happy. The truth is that you can be an amazing boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife to someone, but if they are not focused on making you happy too. Then all you've got is a situation where your continually giving, and the other person takes, the only constellation prize you get from a situation like that is seeing them feel guilty or half-refuse because they sure as heck won't do the same for you.

OP: Good luck with your future, much as you may still care for the wife though, move on out or get her to leave ASAP. There's nothing to gain from staying in the same house and things will go downhill pretty fast once the numbness of the shock has gone.