So I solo que ranked at around 1150 ELO. The usual banter between teammates starts, everyone wants to be solo top/ad carry, it's all fun.
Then there is one gentleman, picking 4th, who is not speaking to anyone. When this happens, usually this guy wants to play 1 champ, and he's going to instalock them and play them regardless. I'm sitting there waiting for his instalock and sure enough its Teemo. This Teemo ends up going bottom with another AD carry.
The game progresses onward and our Teemo is failing hard. By 15 minutes he had died 5 times. At this point, I should mention our team comp. We had myself on Yorick solo top, Xin, Kassadin, Ashe, and our hero, Teemo. We're facing, Akali, Twitch, Wukong, Nasus, and Vlad (Wukong jungled for them, Xin for us.).
Obviously, Ashe and Teemo are having a hard time and Xin is baby sitting that lane. Kass and I actually are able to gank each others lanes a few times and get a couple of kills. The game is pretty even considering we didn't follow the meta to the T and it cost us bottom lane. This is where the game gets fun.
Teemo refuses to communicate or play with us. I look at his items and he has decent CS, he has attack speed and AP items. A very strange build but I can see how it will work on his character.
Our jungler was the best kind, constantly warding dragon and timing all of the buffs. The 4 of us moved around the map and took advantage of every instance we could.
But not Teemo. Teemo literally just went top lane and killed minions until he died. Team fight? Didn't matter to Teemo, he was just pushing lanes and dying. He would try to escape, but it was no use. The other team was on to him and was just waiting for him to push and akali quickly blew him up.
At this point in the game, it's around the 25 minute mark and Teemo has died roughly 12 to 13 times. Everyone is trolling him and the typical whines and moans start about ELO HELL.
Our team reacts by building extremely tanky, Atmogs for everyone. We begin attempting to secure baron. Teemo did actually manage to place tons of mushrooms around the map, and by accident or not, had plenty of mushrooms around baron.
We catch Akali out of position and kill her, the 4 of us rush to baron. We have oracles, the enemy does not have site and we proceed. Teemo continued to push top, despite our desperate plea for his DPS since this was indeed a risky baron, the entire enemy team was still alive. They quickly ran up and killed Teemo, for a total of 80g, while we got baron.
This is when I realize that I am the fool.
I look at the map and realize that if they had tried to stop our baron, Teemo had about 3 million mushrooms surrounding the area and about 200 AP. Their DPS surely wouldn't make it through. Their first 2 towers in all lanes were dead. We still had our back towers and base towers. They never had a chance to push them, Teemo watched them like some kind of bottom lane Batman, defending them at all costs.
I later realized that the opposing team was in a very bad place, even though they were ahead about 12 kills. Teemo meant nothing as a target. Killing him wasn't even worth their time at this point (90G for killing him). However, if they sent just 1 person to kill Teemo as he pushed, he would get away with move quick and some well placed mushrooms. If they sent 2 people to kill him, well, we would have the 4v3 advantage in any fight that would occur. We new to push this advantage at all costs.
This might seem like typical split push play, but the real kicker here is that Teemo has killed no one. He's worth nothing. Just sending 2 people to stop him and collect 90 gold isn't worth it. If they don't send anyone he'll literally get an inhib with his insane attack speed. They have to defend and punish his over extension but with seemingly no risk from us.
Teemo was going out of his way to avoid kills. He knew that if he killed someone he'd be worth 300 gold again, and that wasn't in his master plan. He built straight AP but quickly stopped at what I assume was a predetermined number and went straight AS. Then he moved directly into move speed.
In this moment I was awestruck, as though time was standing still.
Soon baron respawns and everyone knows it. The 4 of us rush baron and Teemo quickly makes his way into the enemy jungle. As they show themsevles in mid lane, Teemo dashes for their middle bottom tower, completely pushing the tower and inhib down.
He's working on one of the base turrets when they retreat to defend. We take an undefended baron for the second time.
This went on for a very long time. Teemo eventually got all the inhibs by using teleport and waiting in the enemy jungle, invisible. Teemo had died over 25 times at this point. He simply teleported / ran bottom/top lane and attacked creeps, while we stayed at the other side of the map.
Eventually, the 4 of us push for the win, after killing about 4 barons, we feel strong enough to win a 5v4. The game creased the hour mark and we would like to move on, it's 2:30 AM EST.
As we cut through our own jungle we are surprised by all 5. We trade our 4 lives for only 1 of theirs and they run for our base. At this moment I'm sure we've lost. Teemo can't defend vs 4 other champs, and our respawn timers are insanely long.
Teemo was at their red buff the entire time.
He moves out quick and absolutely assaults the enemy base. In the madness that is a late game team fight Teemo was calmly auto attacking turrets. No one noticed him, including myself. I was so used to him being anywhere he felt like I had stopped looking for him. He had sold all of his AP items for AS and AD. He was a tower killing machine. He had even taken ALL of the anti tower masteries. He had planned this from the start.
Before their creeps could even make it to our middle tower/inhib Teemo was on the nexus. Sure his score was 0/30/3, but his strategy was unmatched.
Our team is extremely happy. We hated on and trolled Teemo all game for his unwillingness to work with us. No one saw his genius but me. Afterwards, I asked him about his masteries in post game, I wanted to know if this was his plan the entire time.. I was concerned that I had imagined this. He confirmed the masteries, as I suspected since he just melted towers but then he then left me with this bit of wisdom.
"I don't like to play deathmatch, but I know how to win."
Not sure why he called it deathmatch, still not sure if I was being trolled or not. In my heart of hearts, I believe.
TL;DR, Troll Teemo with seemingly Troll tactics M. Night Shyamalan's the shit out of me as he reveals himself to be the best LoL player of all time.
One could argue that he could have simply team fought with us and won the game that way. But I think that would have been far less funny, IMO. In the late game, it felt like the other team was "damned if they do, damned if they don't". Sure we could have won some 5v5s and won traditionally, but this felt like they had lost at 35 minutes in and the rest was simply a formality.
Edit for typos ;D.
