For me Ive got terrible self esteem to the point of loathing. I've always been low about myself. Despite what I may project outwardly, inside I've got serious body image issue. About a year ago I decided to start hitting the gym abd lift and serious weigh training. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week. I've gained 16 lbs. and even though I've gotten stronger I look in the mirror and still see a skinny kid with a fat gut and flat chest. Doesn't help that guys online haven't been receptive to me. But that's another issue, where I crave and need validation from others to feel a measure of self worth. I know it's fucked up. I'm so unhappy with my progress that I'm seriously considering going on a 12 week cycle of steroids.
I have to ask you: do you want to expand your muscle mass because of you, or because of the others?
Who are you doing that for, actually? 'Cause if it's for the others, you may as well give up right now, for even if you had arms the size of a rocket launcher, it wouldn't change who you are on the inside.
The thing is, you admitted it yourself that even with all the improvements
(and like me and others said earlier, you don't look good, you look amazing), you still see something that actually isn't there. And you'll still see it, until you start changing yourself from the inside, that is, until you start loving yourself.
I went through a very hard period ten years ago, but I won't go into detail because I don't want to make this about myself. All I can say is that I can relate to having body image issues, and it's hard when you stare at yourself in the mirror and you literally see something that's not there, that's not real. That sort of thing never goes away, but it is possible to learn to deal with it, which comes naturally after you start accepting yourself for who you are.
If it's necessary to undergo therapy, then do so, and I suggest so, your mental health is at stake. I went through that ten years ago and even if it took me about a year and half of meds and therapy, I'm happy I did it, because otherwise I'd probably be dead.
You're obviously a beautiful, smart and kind person. So
please take care of yourself, because no one else can do it for you.
As for the steroids, just... don't. Although you may expand your muscle mass faster with those, you should be aware of the possible unwanted psychological effects. I had a friend once (emphasis on
had) who was obsessed with having bigger muscles, even though he already had an incredible body. His personal trainer got him steroids, and I swear, soon after that the guy turned into the most vile person I've ever met. I can't describe the sudden change in the personality from the sweetest guy ever to the misogynistic, racist, xenophobic monster of a person. At first I even thought someone hacked into his account, but nope. It was all him. Even with my usually limitless patience, I had to drop his ass.
What did you have to bring this topic here?
I think I'm the worst person in the world in terms of self esteem. I try to be confident and I can be, for a while, but then subconciously I start insinating that I'm bad person, good for nothing, not valuable, not good looking, etc and then I feel horrible and start feeling so bad that I just prefer to lie in my room alone. It had affected the time that I use for studying and doing other stuff, because I know that if I do those things I'd still not be the best at it. I don't know why I have this obsession with being the best, when reasonably we shouldn't be aiming that high, but I just can't feel well when I'm second to someone when I know I made the effort.
In terms of my physical appereance is even worse. I remained oblivious of it when I was in high school, but once I got into university I started being aware of it. By that time I was obese and began thinking about how disastrous I looked and needed to lose the weight due to how it affected my social interactions and I looked unprofessional. I did it, but started gaining weight back this year. The weight is not a big problem as it used to be, but it is still an obsession. I don't blame myself as much for the weight but I started doing other things, like looking myself at every mirror just to see how big mu gut looks, compare myself with other people on the size of it, weigh myself everyday, etc. The bigger problem now is that I started not being happy with my entire body. For example every person that I look at and observe that is taller than me I begin to shake a little because I could have been taller just like that person, etc. Even when I'm with friends I try to look at everything that reflects images and see if I look taller than my friends. I don't know how this height thing started but I'm getting tired of doing it, but keep doing it. My face is another problem. I already know that I'm not a good looking person and I obviously can't change that, but once in a while I look at cute guys and think why I am not as handsome as them, why I got this facial features and more. It doesn't help that I don't get physical compliments, even when I lost weight few people told me how nice I looked, most of the comments were "oh, are you sick?", "you look cadaveric". And when I take pics with people, I feel that I'm always the worst looking person there.
It's a never ending thing and I'm aware of it so I try to think that I'm fine, but there is something inside of me saying otherwise, that I'm terrible and I just can't silence it.
I know what you feel SpaceBridge, but I feel that steroids won't help in your situation. Try to keep working out and you'll naturally get what you want. Remember that your age is a factor, so to get where you want it will be a looong ride for you because IIRC you are in your late 20's.
Oh, daripad! :/ The thing is, if you're so insecure about yourself, then no matter how good you look, it will show on the outside, that's the problem. That's also directly related to those compliments you want so much. The irony in that is that you will get those compliments when you need them the least, that is, when you gain enough self-confidence, which is one of the qualities that attracts other people.
Have you ever been to a psychologist? Maybe it would help you kind of focus on improving your self-esteem? Like SpaceBridge, it sounds like you don't love yourself at all, and of course, that would affect literally every other area of your life. Every insecurity can be crippling, but if you think you're practically worthless, how can you even function properly?
