Okay guys, I'm gonna go on a stupid rant about my life so... yeah:
The thing is, I feel like such a looser lol. I'm bored out of my mind already and there's still a month left of Summer and I have done basically nothing. In fact, I'm 16 and I've never even been to a party that's not a family party and that's fucking embarrassing to admit and I don't know it just kind of gets to me because I see everyone else having fun and shit and I just feel like I'm not satisfied with my life really. Like.. I don't know, I feel like it's not enough? There's so much I want to do but the way I see myself just holds me back, and I just want to like do stuff with my life you know? Have fun, I'm always sitting in my room and feeling sorry for myself or thinking of things that are wrong with me.
It's so fucking toxic but it's pushed me to get some shit done, I got some classes out of the way with Summer School and now I'm studying for my Driver's permit so I can learn how to drive. Even then, I still feel like I'm stuck in a hole. I'm scared for what's going to happen after I graduate, I have no idea what I want to study, what I want to work on or my chances of actually being able to do the things I want to do. The only idea I have is that I want to major in English but even then I feel incredibly insecure about my English even though my Spanish is also shit and I've been in the United States for about 7 years now and I'd expect myself to be able to pronounce some stuff without feeling like an idiot and having to repeat myself.
My biggest dream right now is to move to California and live there, and I'm not sure if I'll even be able to do that, it scares me so much to think that I'm going to be stuck in this shitty ass town.
I'm just so tired of feeling like I have no future.
God this shit is so embarrassing, but thanks for reading if you did.
Dude, you are NOT a loser. No way in hell. You want to know something? I'm 23 right now, about to turn 24 in less than a week on the 2nd. Like you, I'm also the person who has never been to any parties or anything, even now, when I'm 8 years your senior (and I have no problem admitting that because there's nothing embarrassing about that at all, since parties are so low down there on the totem pole. If not going to parties was the greatest of my worries, I'd be a very happy man, even if I had to tell that to everyone I know). Also, despite being 8 years older than you, I also
still don't have my driver's license to a kind of phobia I have involving driving. However, on top of that, there's plenty of other stuff that would be considered embarrassing about me, like say how I never actually learned how to tie laces and wear velcro shoes (in addition to never learning how to ride a bike or how to swim), or how I just had all my teeth removed a few weeks ago and am currently waiting to get my first set of dentures because I was an idiot and didn't take care of my teeth at all.
But you know what? Even with all that, I
still definitely don't consider myself a loser at all and in fact have a rather positive self-image and do my best to own all that stuff and wear it on my sleeve. Why? Because first off, all that stuff is in the past and doesn't define the present me any more than I let it, especially as each moment is a chance to change and do something about it.
But the more important reason is that just dwelling on it won't change anything--only actually taking action and doing something about it can result in things getting better. Just dwelling on it will make more more depressed and less willing to do anything at all, just getting progressively less motivated and not being productive at all. Why? Because I have a dream I absolutely want to make come true more than anything in my life and so I can't and refuse to let myself become lethargic.
Of course, this dream of mine, having a family of my own someday and making enough money to support them all, isn't something that I can completely control and no matter what I do, how well I do in school, or how money I make, there are still no guarantees that I'll ever find the right person or have kids or any of that, so I definitely understand all too well what it's like to have a dream that you care about more than anything in the world and being terrified about the possibility that it won't come true. Like, even if I do end up meeting the absolute perfect woman someday and everything else works out, it could easily wind up that one or both are infertile and aren't able to have kids, and that would definitely devastate me to find out. Or any number of other things could go wrong. And that's assuming I ever meet someone to begin with. And since having children someday is really the one thing I care about in my life, that's pretty terrifying to think about how the one thing I care about is something I have so little control over.
But you know what? I suppose that's why they call them dreams--they're definitely not easy to attain at all, but that's what makes them so satisfying and rewarding when you make them come true and what makes them worth fighting for. And the fact of the matter is that it doesn't even matter whether it's easy or hard or whatever. Whatever the case, that doesn't change the fact that having my own family is my dream and something that I want more than anything, and in the end, that's all the matters, and so I'll do anything to make that happen. Do I have any guarantees? No, and that's definitely scary. But it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change the fact that that's what I want, and so I'l keep doing whatever I can to make it happen, and that's all I really need to know, and is all anyone needs to know about their dreams. You have one? Go for it. Like, you say you want to move to California? Then, well, that's all you need to know right there. Of course, maybe it won't be easy, but that doesn't matter. Either way, it's something you care about, so that's reason enough to give it your best shot no matter what happens, and I'm sure you can make it happen. It might not be easy, but that's how you know it's something worth pursuing and fighting for.
And as for being uncertain about your future, that's the most normal thing in the world for your age. Of course, that doesn't stop it from feeling terribly frightening not knowing what you want to do with your life at all or what you're future will bring. I know that feeling all too well myself, but it is normal and I can ensure that you will figure things out. In fact, in my case, it's the fact that I never had any clue what I wanted to do with myself for the majority of my life which lead me to what I did want to do: I never had any clue what I wanted to do with myself in school, went to university anyway, ended up dropping after a year, and it wasn't until I was 22 that I figured out that I actually wanted to have kids and so decided to go back to school so I could try and get a job that will hopefully allow me to get a job to let me support a family. And what did I decide I wanted to do there? To try and become a high school guidance counselor, to try and do my best to help kids figure out what they want to do with their lives, precisely because I've been there and know how scary that is and so I can't help but want to help them through it and tell them that everything they're feeling is perfectly normal and to help them get through it and show them that if someone like me can figure it out, I'm sure they can and that there's even more hope for them.
So yeah--tl;dr--don't worry about it: I'm sure you'll wind up just fine. ^_^ And If I have one piece of advice for you in terms of not knowing what to study, it's that not only is that normal, but you have plenty of time to figure that out. After all, university's force you to take all kinds of general requirements/electives for your major, so take full advantage of that and take as diverse classes as possible and do your best to try as much as you can. But yeah, everything you're feeling is 100% normal and fine and I have no doubt in the world that you will be able to figure things out and get what you want out of life--time is on your side, so just relax, let it work with you, and I'm sure things will end up working out better than you could expect. ^_^
Ｏ~~~ kawaii desu ne?! ~~~（￣ー￣）ニヤリ
