How/when did you know you were gay/bi?
Hmm, up to second grade I had an enormous heterosexual cutesy crush on a girl from class. After her family moved away, I rather quickly diverted my attention to a certain other girl from class (one day I even got to kiss her in a spin the bottle situation). Then, when we all went to different schools after that, I became obsessed with the daughter of my parents' friends who I had known since we were very little. I was in pursuit of her love for years, then we got together and until we thankfully (for rather non-sexual reasons) broke up two years ago I can't say my love was ever less than true.
Only caveat: Since I first laid hands on myself (ahem) it was only EVER to nude guys. But that never made me feel gay at all. It was just what I found more attracrtive. Sounds a bit stupid in retrospect, but to certain degree that's still how I feel. Anyway, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, holding her in my arms for hours was never less than satisfying. It was only that the thought of her naked body was a thought that never occurred to me, and when it did, I was rather disgusted than aroused. Well, she was... so cute and kind of pretty, but physically, all things considered, not objectively perfect.
So, for most of that time, I thought that's how it's gonna be. Gonna marry her someday, have kids and a wonderful family while feeling godfucked in the sense that my emotional fixation and my physical fixation weren't born to be aligned. So, yeah I basically pitied myself and was jealous of all those billion people who would not only love their partners, but also get easily aroused by them. What seemed normal for the majority seemed like an unattainable jackpot for me. Now, that sounds like denial, but, again, I didn't see it that way because I never lied to myself. I knew who I found hot and I knew who I loved and wanted to hold forever in my arms.
Anyway, after we finally broke up, then, I felt so relieved to have finally come out of an unfulfilling relationship (this is a bit confusing, but my sexual issue is actually not why it was unsatisfying - it rather suffered from a high dysfunctionality from the beginning and that's why I felt relieved the most) and now I'm basically free.
For the year after that relationship I didn't even bother to seek another partner, and since after that up until now I follow a kind of fish-net attitude: whoever fate sends in my way, be it boy or girl, I don't really care. It's only in the last months or so that the persistent lack of a partner made me consider my gay identity more directly, because if I'm honest with myself, having fate put a BOY in my way would still feel like the jackpot option. (On my train last week, though, I actually instant-fell-in-love when I saw an incredible girl step on - but that's another story, and yeah, she rather looked like a boy than a girl, oh well)...
So yes, I'm physically almost exclusively drawn to the male body. That's something I've always acknowledged. And I totally identify with gay people because I feel the same way. I just don't really identify as gay (yet). Even the slightest "gayness" in a guy (I know, this is where I unavoidably get offensive, sorry) turns me off instead of on. Rainbow colors do nothing for me, I'm not exactly attracted to anyone over 24 or something (I'm 20) and I'm not yet sure if I could really love a guy (although I'm actually a lot more open to the idea than after my relationship, back then I thought that was totally out of the question for me).
So, sorry if you decided to read that long. But this is where I'm at right now. A few weeks back I had a few days where I felt I had something of a "gay phase" where I felt so thirsty I considered making plans to go to all the gay bars in town and start an account or something. But that was more or less just me feeling lonely and thirsty. And goodness, the websites of those bars quickly convinced me of how stupid an idea that was to begin with.
- So in effect it all reduces to where some of u guys are at this moment as well: I'm lonely and I don't know where to start looking for people to hang out with.
God, that was soo too long. shit, sorry
EDIT: Oh and the prospect of anal sex kind of freaks me out (can't we not all have, like, vaginas in the shape of dic- no wait that's even worse. damn, sexuality seems a lot more complicated than just who someone finds attractive...)
