Hey, dari, I can totally relate on most points. I struggled with weight issues for most of my life, so I know how much of a burden it can be on your self-esteem and how much it can bring you down. I definitely experienced some of those days, but I actually think I was pretty lucky overall because of how oblivious (or apathetic) I was back then.
Yeah, I got the occasional tease from a classmate or two about my weight or from family acquaintances, etc. that would annoy me and sometimes even hurt my feelings because how sudden such things felt, but it never made me feel like I had to lose weight for their sake (actually, weight loss wasn't even a concept I understood back when I was a kid). In fact, it wasn't until I was 16 that I decided to better myself, both as a challenge and to prove something to myself. No one else mattered.
Before then I was
massive. I don't even remember how much I weighed, but even as a kid, I always shopped in the men's department--not boys or young men, but men's. I was XXL in shirts even in elementary school, and I remember being a 42" waist in 6th grade--so, when I was 11.
42". Shopping for uniforms was not fun, I'll tell you that.
I'm getting a bit sidetracked, here, but my second sentence was a lie. I still struggle with weight because I've put on 35~ pounds since last year, and it's depressing, especially since I stayed around the same (and almost ideal) weight for so many years. It all just kind of went downhill slowly. Anyway, the feeling you experience when you put on clothes that used to be loose but are now tight... man, it sucks, but it should also stoke the fires you need to get determined to do it all over again. At least that's what I think.
It's funny you posted this when you did because the above actually happened to me yesterday. I was going to go grocery shopping and I grabbed some cargo shorts; however, when I put them on, they were very, very snug. It was such a defeating moment. I decided to just be a slob and go in some basketball shorts and a very worn hoodie to hide the gut.
You know what I did when I got to the store? I bought a big bag of Doritos and a tub of ice cream. I ate everything the same day and that was pretty much all I ate (plus drink lots of water). I didn't give a shit how bad it was for me; I ate with the knowledge and conviction that I wasn't doing myself any favors and that I'm a miserable failure and that I hate myself. And I enjoyed every second because I'm a masochist (I also played Yakuza 4 and watched Back to the Future so it wouldn't be such a dark day).
I know that sounds terrible, but it's how I'm engineered to overcome my obstacles. I beat myself down with all my flaws, anger, and self-hatred, but then pick myself up with determination borne from that and realizing how stupid I am, which in turn helps me be happy, which--believe it or not!--is my most common state of mind.
It's a very destructive process, I know, but it's what's been most effective for me and helps keep me grounded, I feel. It's also the only real way I can help myself, because asking for help when it comes to personal matters is something I never really learned to do. Now, I'm not saying you should do what I do (it's weird and extreme, and I can admit that), but you should find some way to feel happy; or, at the very least, not depressed. If you can feel neutral, that's a good starting point to work from.
A small step would be my post, I suppose. Misery loves company, after all. It can also work in a "I'm screwed up, but not THAT much" kind of way to boost yourself. OR maybe seeing progress pics will help. I lurk the fitness/weight loss threads sometimes and it helps with motivation, but I have never posted mine... guess it's time to change that, huh?
I was always a skinny kid
Goosebumps t-shirt :3
Then it all went downhill during third grade (I don't think this is a pic from third grade, though). I got even fatter than this.
Seventh grade (we're playing Melee <3 I wonder what became of this friend... but I digress)
Eighth grade
High school. Ninth or tenth grade
Blegh
Eww. Anyway, this pic was taken on the last day before summer vacation, if I remember right. It was here that I decided to challenge myself.
Unfortunately, I have no pics of my progress slimming down to an L. Here I am a year later on my 17th birthday, down to an M
Months/year later
Me at 23 (current age) with weight gained
Bonus baby pic!
And a weird pic I like for some reason (17)
Sorry for the pic dump.
Anyway, you should feel proud that you've lost weight before, dari. Just get through your rut. It's easier said than done, I know, but you did it before, and you can do it again. Don't give up!
As for me, I will be buying new running shoes later today so I can get started on getting healthy again. I sorely need them because my current pair is old and one of them scrapes the back of my foot like salt covers a wound. If there's one positive thing I can gleam from my weight gain is that I can turn some of it into BULK progress, I guess!
) 
