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[Kevyt]

Happy mothers day y'all!! Anyone doing something with their moms today?

 

[CornBurrito]

I appreciate the kind words, but the fact he chose to have unprotected sex with complete strangers probably meant that I wasbt good enough.
I tried to go out to have revenge sex last night but couldn't. Too sad.

I think the keywords here are unprotected sex with strangers. That's someone who is addicted to sex, not someone trying to find some side tail because their main guy isn't good enough.

 

[Vazduh]

I appreciate the kind words, but the fact he chose to have unprotected sex with complete strangers probably meant that I wasbt good enough.
I tried to go out to have revenge sex last night but couldn't. Too sad.

Dude... no "buts". Stop beating yourself up over everything. And like others have already said, his behavior really wasn't about you, it was about him and his impulses. You may have been the most ideal man in the universe and he would have still fucked around because that's the type of man he is. You couldn't have known that back then, but now you do and yeah, it's going to hurt like hell, although only for a while.

And just how you were able to live before he came into your life, you'll live after all this.

People often underestimate their resilience, to be honest. You're much stronger than you think you are. Just try to pick yourself up and move on.

 

[Bladenic]

Dude... no "buts". Stop beating yourself up over everything. And like others have already said, his behavior really wasn't about you, it was about him and his impulses. You may have been the most ideal man in the universe and he would have still fucked around because that's the type of man he is. You couldn't have known that back then, but now you do and yeah, it's going to hurt like hell, although only for a while.

And just how you were able to live before he came into your life, you'll live after all this.

People often underestimate their resilience, to be honest. You're much stronger than you think you are. Just try to pick yourself up and move on.

This advice

King

 

[Erebus]

Maybe some most people are unfaithful jerks.

Fixed. Especially gay men. And I speak from experience.

 

[RatskyWatsky]

Fixed. Especially gay men. And I speak from experience.

RIP gay men

 

[Symphonia]

Fixed. Especially gay men. And I speak from experience.

 

[TheAbsolution]

Fixed. Especially gay men. And I speak from experience.

What?
I mean what?
That's absolutely not true.

 

[Razmos]

We really don't need that stereotype being spread within our own community. If those are your personal experiences then fine, look for better men.

 

[Musha_Soturi]

Happy mothers day y'all!! Anyone doing something with their moms today?

It's not Mother's Day here. I got very confused by all the Mother's Day messages on social media, for a split second I thought I may have ballsed up and missed it, but then I remembered we've had it already and I sent my Mum flowers.

 

[RM8]

I think part of it is dating within the Grindr "club" :/

 

[Symphonia]

We really don't need that stereotype being spread within our own community. If those are your personal experiences then fine, look for better men.

Absolutely. Don't be putting all your eggs in one basket.

It's not Mother's Day here. I got very confused by all the Mother's Day messages on social media, for a split second I thought I may have ballsed up and missed it, but then I remembered we've had it already and I sent my Mum flowers.

You and me both, although I then remembered I scarcely talk to my mother (or father) anyway, and all my worries disappeared.

I think part of it is dating within the Grindr "club" :/

But not all men are part of this club. I'm not, and I'm willing to bet a fair few people in LettersGAF aren't, either. Again; eggs, one basket, don't lump 'em.

 

[Barrylocke]

So an update on the situation of me going to DC with my friend and his bf. I actually thougjt about the situation yesturday and texted him to decline, because "if its going to be us three, I'd rather [him and bf] enjoy they're weekend." He had told me that actually the entire reason he had planned out the pride weekend trip because of when I had mentioned that I had never been to an event. He also told me that the guy at the place they're staying at is also coming (which kirbyfan407 called btw).

Since this was pretty much for my sake, AND since its not just going to be us 3, I've decided that I'm going to go pending that I get the time off of work. Another person being there should help balance the group, and I can always enjoy my own time. Since I'm commiting to this, I'm going to try my best to enjoy this parade, and I'm not going to let personal thoughts on one of the guys dampen my mood.

 

[Sai-kun]

Fixed. Especially gay men. And I speak from experience.

zzzz who the fuck are you

way to encourage stereotypes. really helping build a positive community

 

[Erebus]

We really don't need that stereotype being spread within our own community. If those are your personal experiences then fine, look for better men.

I'm not stereotyping anything, I'm simply stating my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others around me. It's anecdotal I know, but it's the only evidence I can offer.

To put it simply, men are more willing to have sex without strings and the fact that you have two males involved when we're talking about gay relationships; the success rate for hooking up is increased significantly. Some men's oppressed gay desires only make matters worse, as once they come to terms with who they really are, they often go into a "slutty" phase trying to gain lost ground.

zzzz who the fuck are you

way to encourage stereotypes. really helping build a positive community

Sorry but I won't bury my head in the sand trying to pretend that everything is perfectly fine in an attempt to not blemish the community.

 

[Sai-kun]

cool and anecdotal experience means jack shit. that's not evidence, that's bias.

keep your shitty opinions to yourself instead of projecting onto people here. sorry you got cheated on, but that's no reason to come in here and tell us about how you paint every gay dude with the same brush.

 

[CornBurrito]

What?
I mean what?
That's absolutely not true.

Aren't open relationships and the like significantly more common among gay men? Perhaps unfaithfulness might not be more common, but statistically it might be true that gay men are more likely to be unable to commit to monogamy.

 

[Ahasverus]

Casual sex is very prevalent in the gay community, grindr exists for a reason, but of course there's no general pattern, you could find anything.

 

[Sai-kun]

Aren't open relationships and the like significantly more common among gay men? Perhaps unfaithfulness might not be more common, but statistically it might be true that gay men are more likely to be unable to commit to monogamy.

but not wanting monogamy and being unfaithful are two entirely different things, emotionally

 

[CornBurrito]

but not wanting monogamy and being unfaithful are two entirely different things, emotionally

Yes I know. However if we have cultural forces pushing people to monogamy, and gay men are less likely to be able to commit to monogamy, then there would be more unfaithfulness statistically speaking.

 

[Dr. Malik]

I'm not stereotyping anything, I'm simply stating my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others around me. It's anecdotal I know, but it's the only evidence I can offer.

To put it simply, men are more willing to have sex without strings and the fact that you have two males involved when we're talking about gay relationships; the success rate for hooking up is increased significantly. Some men's oppressed gay desires only make matters worse, as once they come to terms with who they really are, they often go into a "slutty" phase trying to gain lost ground.



Sorry but I won't bury my head in the sand trying to pretend that everything is perfectly fine in an attempt to not blemish the community.

You did not lie, slay a bit

 

[RM8]

but not all men are part of this club. I'm not, and I'm willing to bet a fair few people in LettersGAF aren't, either. Again; eggs, one basket, don't lump 'em.

That's my point

 

[Erebus]

cool and anecdotal experience means jack shit. that's not evidence, that's bias.

keep your shitty opinions to yourself instead of projecting onto people here. sorry you got cheated on, but that's no reason to come in here and tell us about how you paint every gay dude with the same brush.

I honestly can't tell why you get so mad.

Sorry if you don't like what you hear but unless there is a rule somewhere that says that we're not allowed to express an opinion not matter how unpleasant and unpopular it may be, I'm not seeing the reason behind your rudeness towards me.

Also, if you have better evidence to present, I'm here to read it.

Aren't open relationships and the like significantly more common among gay men? Perhaps unfaithfulness might not be more common, but statistically it might be true that gay men are more likely to be unable to commit to monogamy.

Finally someone who better understands what I'm saying.

 

[Vazduh]

I'm not stereotyping anything, I'm simply stating my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others around me. It's anecdotal I know, but it's the only evidence I can offer.

To put it simply, men are more willing to have sex without strings and the fact that you have two males involved when we're talking about gay relationships; the success rate for hooking up is increased significantly. Some men's oppressed gay desires only make matters worse, as once they come to terms with who they really are, they often go into a "slutty" phase trying to gain lost ground.

Sorry but I won't bury my head in the sand trying to pretend that everything is perfectly fine in an attempt to not blemish the community.

 

[CornBurrito]

I find it really weird how everyone was praising Velvet Rage when it made pretty much the exact same claims only more nicely phrased.

Don't act so incredulous. Casual sex or "sluttiness" as Erebus calls it IS more common in the Gay community.

 

[Bladenic]

I'm not stereotyping anything, I'm simply stating my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others around me. It's anecdotal I know, but it's the only evidence I can offer.

To put it simply, men are more willing to have sex without strings and the fact that you have two males involved when we're talking about gay relationships; the success rate for hooking up is increased significantly. Some men's oppressed gay desires only make matters worse, as once they come to terms with who they really are, they often go into a "slutty" phase trying to gain lost ground.



Sorry but I won't bury my head in the sand trying to pretend that everything is perfectly fine in an attempt to not blemish the community.

Yep pretty much, especially the bit about the slut phase after acceptance especially if it's done later on in life

 

[Vitanimus]

I'm not stereotyping anything, I'm simply stating my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others around me. It's anecdotal I know, but it's the only evidence I can offer.

To put it simply, men are more willing to have sex without strings and the fact that you have two males involved when we're talking about gay relationships; the success rate for hooking up is increased significantly. Some men's oppressed gay desires only make matters worse, as once they come to terms with who they really are, they often go into a "slutty" phase trying to gain lost ground.



Sorry but I won't bury my head in the sand trying to pretend that everything is perfectly fine in an attempt to not blemish the community.

no lies spotted

zzzz who the fuck are you

way to encourage stereotypes. really helping build a positive community

cool and anecdotal experience means jack shit. that's not evidence, that's bias.

keep your shitty opinions to yourself instead of projecting onto people here. sorry you got cheated on, but that's no reason to come in here and tell us about how you paint every gay dude with the same brush.

This is kinda rude, I thought you were encouraging a positive community not tearing people down cos you don't hold the same opinion?

he hardly said every gay person is unfaithful

 

[Kater]

That's not an opinion, that's some stupid false belief that you claim as truth. lol

 

[CornBurrito]

Yeah this is honestly just people getting mad over tone and word choice. I didn t see people bitching about Velvet Rage when it makes pretty much these exact same claims.

 

[Vazduh]

I find it really weird how everyone was praising Velvet Rage when it made pretty much the exact same claims only more nicely phrased.

Don't act so incredulous. Casual sex or "sluttiness" as Erebus calls it IS more common in the Gay community.

Wha...? I actually agree with both Erebus and you (hence the nodding gif). I was actually about to write something about The Velvet Rage in which Alan Downs talked about the same issues, but I thought it was redundant since I'd only repeat everything that was just said.

 

[CornBurrito]

Wha...? I actually agree with both Erebus and you (hence the nodding gif). I was actually about to write something about The Velvet Rage in which Alan Downs talked about the same issues, but I thought it was redundant since I'd only repeat everything that was just said.

Oh I though your gif was sarcastic, my bad.

 

[Vazduh]

Oh I though your gif was sarcastic, my bad.

No need to apologize, we're good

Also, read The Velvet Rage, people!

It's a great book.

 

[Vitanimus]

ty, King vazduh

 

[Koodo]

I'm not stereotyping anything, I'm simply stating my opinion based on my own experiences and the experiences of others around me. It's anecdotal I know, but it's the only evidence I can offer.

To put it simply, men are more willing to have sex without strings and the fact that you have two males involved when we're talking about gay relationships; the success rate for hooking up is increased significantly. Some men's oppressed gay desires only make matters worse, as once they come to terms with who they really are, they often go into a "slutty" phase trying to gain lost ground.



Sorry but I won't bury my head in the sand trying to pretend that everything is perfectly fine in an attempt to not blemish the community.

Yes. The more I've delved into the gay community after coming out in public, the more foreign I've felt in the community precisely due to an utter lack of self-awareness – the pretense that there are no underlying issues that need to be fixed or at the very least acknowledged.

I sympathize with the self-image issues most gays have that are fed directly from conflicting societal pressures – trying to be a man while simultaneously not trying to be a man, the repression of identity, etc. Some other issues, however, astound and disgust me in equal measures. Seeing a clear and public pattern of racism, xenophobia and (hysterically ironically) gender-queer bashing among the dating scene is tragic for a community that by all means should have the perspective to know better.

So when someone comes and tries to deny the gay community has issues? Even if they're anecdotal? Fuck off.

 

[Barrylocke]

All I can say is that the most important thing is to be honest with ones self and their partner. I'm a person who currently enjoys his share of casual sex, and while I believe its best to at least begin a relationship with monogamy to help build the core, I can see myself wanting to veer towards an open relstionship at some point. Guys who feel similar in their ideas of wanting to have sex beyond the relationship should be willing to accept that and express that to potential partners. The biggest problem with cheating imo isn't the sex outside of the relationship, its the breech of trust. And if a person you decide to date is fine with you getting sex on the side, then there won't be that breech of trust.

Basically, people need to have the courage to say what they want out of it and decide to compromise or leave if the other person doesn't match with you. Many men are probably afraid to do these things, and thus they possibly choose to cheat. This is something often discussed in the gay community, but it really applies to all partnerships as well. The big difference is that open relationships appear to be more common in the gay community than in the straight world.

 

[DOWN]

I appreciate the kind words, but the fact he chose to have unprotected sex with complete strangers probably meant that I wasbt good enough.
I tried to go out to have revenge sex last night but couldn't. Too sad.

Is that what you say about other people who get cheated on? It isn't on you if he broke the rules that fast.

You can do better than him and you will.

 

[BadMediaKarma]

Yes. The more I've delved into the gay community after coming out in public, the more foreign I've felt in the community precisely due to an utter lack of self-awareness – the pretense that there are no underlying issues that need to be fixed or at the very least acknowledged.

I sympathize with the self-image issues most gays have that are fed directly from conflicting societal pressures – trying to be a man while simultaneously not trying to be a man, the repression of identity, etc. Some other issues, however, astound and disgust me in equal measures. Seeing a clear and public pattern of racism, xenophobia and (hysterically ironically) gender-queer bashing among the dating scene is tragic for a community that by all means should have the perspective to know better.

So when someone comes and tries to deny the gay community has issues? Even if they're anecdotal? Fuck off.

Did you lie?

You also forgot to add rampant racism at large in the community

 

[Barrylocke]

Did you lie?

You also forgot to add rampant racism at large in the community

Eh, read again, he pointed that out too

 

[RM8]

The point you're missing is that "gay community" =/= all gay men. We're not a homogeneous club with rules and guidelines.

 

[CornBurrito]

Did you lie?

You also forgot to add rampant racism at large in the community

Tbf rampant racism is a problem in every community.

 

[Via Purifico]

I think instead of saying "don't generalize" we should be open to discussing these issues.
Do some make their statements with a broad brush? sure but I didn't see that tone in Erebus' post.

People have different experiences in different places and mindsets in certain areas will be different than yours. I think instead of closing our ears we should talk about these topics and admit that the community isn't as clean as we'd like.

 

[CornBurrito]

The point you're missing is that "gay community" =/= all gay men. We're not a homogeneous club with rules and guidelines.

No. What you are missing is that at no point did anyone say "all gay men."

 

[Bladenic]

Yes. The more I've delved into the gay community after coming out in public, the more foreign I've felt in the community precisely due to an utter lack of self-awareness – the pretense that there are no underlying issues that need to be fixed or at the very least acknowledged.

I sympathize with the self-image issues most gays have that are fed directly from conflicting societal pressures – trying to be a man while simultaneously not trying to be a man, the repression of identity, etc. Some other issues, however, astound and disgust me in equal measures. Seeing a clear and public pattern of racism, xenophobia and (hysterically ironically) gender-queer bashing among the dating scene is tragic for a community that by all means should have the perspective to know better.

So when someone comes and tries to deny the gay community has issues? Even if they're anecdotal? Fuck off.

"Masc only. No blacks, Asians, Latinos, or people of color. Not racist, just a preference. No fat, fems, or queens. Hit me up."

 

[Vitanimus]

it seems to be largely normalised for someone to request "no chubs, no asians, no blacks" and no one to bat an eyelid

 

[Via Purifico]

it seems to be largely normalised for someone to request "no chubs, no asians, no blacks" and no one to bat an eyelid

Yeah, we're much more inclined to tell you to suck it up and stop whining.
But blacks and asians are at the bottom in dating partners with straights too.

But certain couplings I see are more likely to happen with heterosexuals like asian and black. But even then it's still rare.

 

[Barrylocke]

Honestly its one of the things turning me off of Grindr etc. Its convinent and ive gotten various levels of success (and even a few friendships, wow!) But the "masc only (a very vague term)" "no blks, just my preference" gets draining. I feel like I'd have better success with pretty much any sort of meet up from casual to friends to relations if I went into a physical location and took a chance to talk and have a conversation. Its so easy to stay unchallenged behind your stereotypes when the person is just a face and words flying at you.

But maybe I'm naive and it'll still be had if I hit up more bars. But it's worth a shot, right?

 

[RM8]

I don't want to sound judgmental but there's indeed a clear kind of gay man who lives on Grindr, is lookist, ageist, racist, shallow, etc. And I do take issue with people painting gay men as a whole with that brush. I apologize if no one did.

 

[Via Purifico]

Honestly its one of the things turning me off of Grindr etc. Its convinent and ive gotten various levels of success (and even a few friendships, wow!) But the "masc only (a very vague term)" "no blks, just my preference" gets draining. I feel like I'd have better success with pretty much any sort of meet up from casual to friends to relations if I went into a physical location and took a chance to talk and have a conversation. Its so easy to stay unchallenged behind your stereotypes when the person is just a face and words flying at you.

But maybe I'm naive and it'll still be had if I hit up more bars. But it's worth a shot, right?

I do believe you can find something worthwhile on Grindr but to keep your expectations realistic. Many are looking for a quick fling and that's fine as people have needs.
But my friends have complained about unsolicited dick pics that's a no no in my book.

 

[Bladenic]

I don't want to sound judgmental but there's indeed a clear kind of gay man who lives on Grindr, is lookist, ageist, racist, shallow, etc. And I do take issue with people painting gay men as a whole with that brush. I apologize if no one did.

Have you been reading the responses? Nobody did, but those issues exist and we shouldn't brush them under the rug as "don't generalize or stereotype"

 

[Sai-kun]

Yes. The more I've delved into the gay community after coming out in public, the more foreign I've felt in the community precisely due to an utter lack of self-awareness – the pretense that there are no underlying issues that need to be fixed or at the very least acknowledged.

I sympathize with the self-image issues most gays have that are fed directly from conflicting societal pressures – trying to be a man while simultaneously not trying to be a man, the repression of identity, etc. Some other issues, however, astound and disgust me in equal measures. Seeing a clear and public pattern of racism, xenophobia and (hysterically ironically) gender-queer bashing among the dating scene is tragic for a community that by all means should have the perspective to know better.

So when someone comes and tries to deny the gay community has issues? Even if they're anecdotal? Fuck off.

aight i actually know you and stuff so u get an actual response

I never denied that community has issues, and as far as what you wrote in your second paragraph, I couldn't fucking agree more, and all that shit drives me wild and makes me wanna tear my hair out.

I do take issue however, with someone coming in and basically saying 'People, especially gay men, are unfaithful jerks', and claiming to 'fix' someone else's opinion. Like, man, I'm literally (literally) not even gay but how is that kind of generalization fostering any kind of positive conversation? I apologize for downplaying and minimizing Erebus' experiences, that was really fucking rude of me and I'm sorry for that, but that kind of broad brush stroke just really doesn't sit well with me, especially because there wasn't much of an attempt to back it up with anything but anecdotes. It's not the healthiest viewpoint to have, but it is valid, it just really doesn't need spreading, and it's very disappointing that our (the larger 'our', not us here) community has led Erebus to become as cynical about faithfulness in relationships as it has.

But anyways, I guess my main point is that we should be looking into and unpacking the way our cultures raise us to make some of us think that cheating is acceptable, rather than trying to put the gay community under a microscope to find that answer, because it's not an exclusively gay thing.

Now as for the monogamy thing...I dunno, actually.

edit: vvv um what's happening in this post below me help i need an adult