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[Bagels]

I've been kicking around a few ideas to make the thread more useful. We have so much ground to cover now that we're "mental-health-GAF" - I want to make a recurring feature to help go over things that people want more info on. My first thought was "medication Mondays," because the alliteration is cute, but there are plenty of other things to discuss. I could provide more information on a med or two each week, discuss a different kind of therapy, give a short bio of a famous person with a mental illness, look into an alternative therapy, go back to providing a (short!) interview with a member of our community...I dunno. I just like providing a little structure and having something to read up on/work on that can help everyone. Let me know if you have an idea for something I could make into a weekly feature!


Thanks so much for the update, Pau! I can absolutely see the difference in you, today vs. the first time we talked. You've done an amazing job working at getting better. It's very inspiring.

<3 ya, Pau.

 

[jb1234]

I think a lot of us do have a healthy body (besides our brains, I guess) so it's hard to relate or even begin to understand what you must be going through. It feels trite to say that I'm sorry about the hand you've been dealt. But I've recognized your name in other threads and I think a lot of GAF and especially your mum are very grateful for your stubbornness. You're clearly a very thoughtful son.

I'm not especially convinced that I've made any particular impact here (out of the thousand or so active posters) but I appreciate the sentiment.

The big challenge (and this isn't just limited to physical issues, anyone with severe depression can relate to this) is just figuring out why I should get out of bed in the morning. It's tempting to want to sleep the days away, especially since not much happens in them anyway.

 

[Boem]

Hi again,

This is going to be a somewhat humiliating post, but as I already went into embarassing detail about my personal life in my last post it probably doesn't really matter anymore. As I explained, I suffered heavily from depression for a number of years, but recently I have been growing more positive and trying to better myself and my life. I'm focusing on being a better student, and I know what I have to do to achieve that, I'm trying to live a healthier life (I go outside as much as possible, excersise when I'm out in the country with my parents, try to eat healthy), and try to force myself to socialize as much as possible. My last post was very negative, but I was in a dark spot that evening. As things are right now, I am getting better almost every day, but there's still a lot to do.

My question: one of the biggest reasons for my social insecurity is the way I look. Scars in my face from an accident a couple of years back, pale basement dweller skin, hair like Patrick Throughton. It's not awesome. I'll never be good looking, but I'm trying to become normal looking. Is there a site or something where you can get safe, honest advice on your looks by sending them a couple of photo's? I'm not sure if I'll have the guts to do something like that anyway, but it might be worth considering. Obviously I'm not looking to have my face plastered all over the internet (a public forum or something like that would be completely out of the question) and it'd have to be a place I could be sure I could trust, but I don't really have anyone who could help me in that regard in my real life right now, and I don't really have the funds to contact a professional.

I know, this all seems very silly and very vain, but I literally can't stop worrying about my face when I'm around people. Constantly staring at myself in reflections, never able to act normally. It's something that needs to change.

 

[Woorloog]

My question: one of the biggest reasons for my social insecurity is the way I look. Scars in my face from an accident a couple of years back, pale basement dweller skin, hair like Patrick Throughton. It's not awesome. I'll never be good looking, but I'm trying to become normal looking. Is there a site or something where you can get safe, honest advice on your looks by sending them a couple of photo's? I'm not sure if I'll have the guts to do something like that anyway, but it might be worth considering. Obviously I'm not looking to have my face plastered all over the internet (a public forum or something like that would be completely out of the question) and it'd have to be a place I could be sure I could trust, but I don't really have anyone who could help me in that regard in my real life right now, and I don't really have the funds to contact a professional.

I know, this all seems very silly and very vain, but I literally can't stop worrying about my face when I'm around people. Constantly staring at myself in reflections, never able to act normally. It's something that needs to change.

Reminds me of that one girl in Katawa Shoujo, scared of others due to extreme scarring.

You have pale skin naturally or do you really spend so much time inside it is pale due that? Regardless, pale skin shouldn't be a big issue if you wear clothes that don't contrast to your skin too much. Paler colors, no dark colors, i'd imagine. If it bothers you that much that is. You're what you're, others need accept you as that (or they're not worth talking to).

Hair... well, get a hair cut. Hair... gel? I don't know, but i doubt it is impossible to "fix", if you don't like it, you just need to do some work to change it (extreme, shave your head completly?). Or professional hair...person. I don't know the word.

Scarring... well, it is. Can't do anything about it (i doubt it can be hid with make up, without it being obvious something is hid but naturally i can't know. Wouldn't suggest hiding it even it were possible).
It is more about attitude, i think, don't worry about it. Others are not going (well, they shouldn't, and if they do, ignore them, not worth your time) judge you based on that. Someone asks, just tell the truth (or say you don't want to talk about it, as you wish).

To be honest, i'm not good at advicing about looks, i don't care about mine at all...
I keep my hair long because i don't give a crap about getting it cut (inconvenient at times), my beard is longish and unkempt (doesn't grow straight, and again, i don't care, though for practical reasons i, uh, "cut" it a bit at times). Combine with glasses and being well overweight, i reckon i look a bit nerdy. *Shrug* Whatever. Someone has problem with that, i'm not going to bother talking them, or listening.

EDIT what is this actually about, self-esteem? Self-confidence? Some such i think. You need that more, probably. Not really qualified person to say this...

EDIT hell, at least you try improving yourself, unlike me. So i doubt you have problem fixing your problem with your looks once you start working on it.

 

[dutchguyjack]

Hi again,

This is going to be a somewhat humiliating post, but as I already went into embarassing detail about my personal life in my last post it probably doesn't really matter anymore. As I explained, I suffered heavily from depression for a number of years, but recently I have been growing more positive and trying to better myself and my life. I'm focusing on being a better student, and I know what I have to do to achieve that, I'm trying to live a healthier life (I go outside as much as possible, excersise when I'm out in the country with my parents, try to eat healthy), and try to force myself to socialize as much as possible. My last post was very negative, but I was in a dark spot that evening. As things are right now, I am getting better almost every day, but there's still a lot to do.

My question: one of the biggest reasons for my social insecurity is the way I look. Scars in my face from an accident a couple of years back, pale basement dweller skin, hair like Patrick Throughton. It's not awesome. I'll never be good looking, but I'm trying to become normal looking. Is there a site or something where you can get safe, honest advice on your looks by sending them a couple of photo's? I'm not sure if I'll have the guts to do something like that anyway, but it might be worth considering. Obviously I'm not looking to have my face plastered all over the internet (a public forum or something like that would be completely out of the question) and it'd have to be a place I could be sure I could trust, but I don't really have anyone who could help me in that regard in my real life right now, and I don't really have the funds to contact a professional.

I know, this all seems very silly and very vain, but I literally can't stop worrying about my face when I'm around people. Constantly staring at myself in reflections, never able to act normally. It's something that needs to change.

I can see why it's easy to fall into the trap of caring too much about your looks. The best advice anybody can give you in this case is to stop caring about your looks, and realize it's your personality that will keep people around or push them away, not your looks.

If you're worrying about your looks when you're around people, that'll be obvious in your interaction with them, and have a negative impact on it. If you're clearly not concerned about them it doesn't really matter how you look, as people will enjoy the interaction regardless.

 

[Woorloog]

as people will enjoy the interaction regardless.

Or if they don't, they're not the sort you want to interract with in the first place.

EDIT @Boem: what about seeing your scars as something to be proud off? "I lived" or some such (it is not like you could've prevented them probably)? And some people might see them appealing. Just a couple of random thoughts.

 

[Collete]

Hi again,
My question: one of the biggest reasons for my social insecurity is the way I look. Scars in my face from an accident a couple of years back, pale basement dweller skin, hair like Patrick Throughton. It's not awesome. I'll never be good looking, but I'm trying to become normal looking. Is there a site or something where you can get safe, honest advice on your looks by sending them a couple of photo's? I'm not sure if I'll have the guts to do something like that anyway, but it might be worth considering. Obviously I'm not looking to have my face plastered all over the internet (a public forum or something like that would be completely out of the question) and it'd have to be a place I could be sure I could trust, but I don't really have anyone who could help me in that regard in my real life right now, and I don't really have the funds to contact a professional.

I know, this all seems very silly and very vain, but I literally can't stop worrying about my face when I'm around people. Constantly staring at myself in reflections, never able to act normally. It's something that needs to change.

It isn't silly. What you went through, I wouldn't blame you on worrying. Heck I would be like that too. (And I already worry how I look like normally ((which isn't pretty))). I think with your case it's a matter of doing what you can to actually look physically normal first. You said you have scars, I know for a fact there are OTC meds/lotions/ointments to at least lessen the appearance of scars if applied regularly. As regards of your hair, you can always get a barber to help fix it for you, that's solvable at least. When you done what you can for your physical appearance, the next step (the important one) is psychologically. You can be a guy named Joe I know on Youtube and he can be the hottest person. But even hot people think they're ugly as sin. It's a matter of how you feel about yourself in the end. You have to love the way you look regardless and build up your self confidence and self esteem. No one says your face will be perfect or drop dead gorgeous, gotta love the imperfections and good things, flaws and all.
For me for instance, I have acne scars and a bump on my nose. Now that's not exactly nice at all but there are other nice things about my face like my eyes, lips, cheek bones, etc. Highlight these things about you and accept them. You are only human in the end and we're not perfect creatures with our facial features especially.
Also to make sure to cleanse your face to not leave any unnecessary oil. Natural looking people are better than the fakes who hide behind through several layers of make up.

Spoiler

I'm not calling out on people who wear make up...Just the people who over do it.

Edit: Also a change in wardrobe can help boost your confidence a little, but as I said before it all matters from within. Love yourself, and the sky's the limit.

I can see why it's easy to fall into the trap of caring too much about your looks. The best advice anybody can give you in this case is to stop caring about your looks, and realize it's your personality that will keep people around or push them away, not your looks.

If you're worrying about your looks when you're around people, that'll be obvious in your interaction with them, and have a negative impact on it. If you're clearly not concerned about them it doesn't really matter how you look, as people will enjoy the interaction regardless.

This is obviously helpful.... I know you have a good will towards people, I'm not trying to downplay on that. But people can't just simply "stop" a behavior just like that. It's not a switch. It's like the annoying aunt at get togethers telling you to stop smoking. You're not going to stop just because she tells you too right? There's more stuff going on that you can't just stop just like that. It's not a simple one step process now is it? There's several processes going on psychologically and biologically that the smoker must commit to actually stop smoking. My point is, it's just not a simple thing to tell someone to stop a behavior or action. Just remember if someone tells you to stop being sad but you have depression, it's just not a simple answer or a solution...

 

[dutchguyjack]

This is obviously helpful.... I know you have a good will towards people, I'm not trying to downplay on that. But people can't just simply "stop" a behavior just like that. It's not a switch. It's like the annoying aunt at get togethers telling you to stop smoking. You're not going to stop just because she tells you too right? There's more stuff going on that you can't just stop just like that. It's not a simple one step process now is it? There's several processes going on psychologically and biologically that the smoker must commit to actually stop smoking. My point is, it's just not a simple thing to tell someone to stop a behavior or action. Just remember if someone tells you to stop being sad but you have depression, it's just not a simple answer or a solution...

Stopping any type of behavior is about committing yourself to doing so. In terms of what I said, the message that it carried was that looks aren't important.

Comes down to this - when I was being treated for Social Phobia, I was told that every time I caught myself worrying about what others thought of me I had to stop myself and think of something else, in particular something positive about myself or the interaction. The same applies here - every time he worries about how other people perceive him based on his looks, he needs to catch the negative thoughts and replace them with something positive about himself, e.g. his personality.

 

[Sidewinder]

When I think about how I used to handle stress, losses, anxiety, failure and everyday problems before I fell down this deep dark stinking pit I'm in and how I (don't) handle these things today, it's terrifying.

10 years ago I was able to use stress in a good way and push myself a little bit more to get things done properly and in time. I've been a procrastinator more or less my whole life and it never really hurt my productivity/results/sanity.

I lost all my grandparents before or during my teens, one grandmother lived upstairs and therefore I saw her daily, she was a gem. Losing her didn't fuck me up; I got over it and moved on, like so many normal people do.

When I failed exams I didn't give up on school, I just moved on and tried to make up for it on the next series of exams and I usually did. When I fucked up a job interview, a presentation in school or embarrassed myself during a discussion, I didn't carry these things with me for weeks and let them slowly crush my self-esteem, I just shrugged them off and let them vanish into oblivion where they belong, like so many sane people do on a daily basis.

That's how it works when you're a happy, sane and mostly well-balanced person, you will slide into a dark pit now and then, but it's not that deep and you can easily spot out the sunlight from where you stand and you'll soon find out that there's a ladder in the corner anyway. Some problems just vanish into thin air without the need to even waste a thought on them. It's natural and automatic, just like breathing is. You don't know that the perfect storm exists somewhere out there and that it could, someday, push you down into the abyss. If you're lucky enough, you'll never witness it, or it’ll hit you when you already battered down the hatches, or the storm lost its intensity.

Depression on the other hand is a very deep, obscure and fetid place, where there are no stairs and the walls are steep and slippery. Every little misstep, every little obstacle that's in your way will pile up and weigh down on you for a long time, making it oh so much more difficult to move on. Your mind will begin to continuously brood over the failures, awkward moments, losses and more dark thoughts, because that's all there is left inside this pit. Like a black hole, depression will suck up all light and make it invisible to your own eyes. And it stays like that day after day after day after day...most passersby won’t even notice you, because they can’t discern you from the darkness that surrounds you. If somebody happens to shout down the pit, trying to help you out, you won’t be able to hear them, because you’re too far away and you wouldn’t be able to understand them anyway after staying for too long in this hole.

Right now I'm closer than ever before to just give up. Since I've been depressed I lost everything I've built over so many years, friendships, self-esteem, University degree, passion, hope, just everything.

Sorry for my rant, I had to let out some of my thoughts that keep circling inside my head. Am I wrong in assuming that some/many of you feel the same way, when they think about how it was “before”?

 

[anaron]

I dropped the therapist I was seeing after her advice for dealing with my self esteem issues was to get a boob job. Okay, that's not the whole reason. I would leave each session feeling worse about myself than when I came in, to the point where I had a huge breakdown after about a month of seeing her twice a week. One of the things I was in therapy for was my physical self esteem issues, and it was weird having a therapist who loved to talk about how beautiful she was whenever the issue was brought up. Anyways, she sent me to some wardrobe and make up stylists thinking that would help and surprise, surprise: it made the problem a lot worse.

Holy fuck, my sympathies. She sounds like a sitcom character in the making, how is that she even employed?

 

[Newline]

I have quite deep anxiety issues that up until right now I have kept to myself. I experience a lot of muscle tension, I over think pretty much every situation and have started noticing just how vacant I can seem to be to those around me when I'm trapped in my anxious thought paths. The worst part for me though is knowing that I have a problem, not knowing what which just spirals in why head, what is wrong with me, why am I this way, will I be like this forever, will it get worse. I seem to end up causing myself way more distress simply out of fear that I'm currently distressed.

Finally come to terms with the fact that I have a problem, but I have no idea how I'm going to tackle it, the thought of telling people just makes me more nervous.

I apologise for the offload or if it seems out of place.

 

[Pakkidis]

My question: one of the biggest reasons for my social insecurity is the way I look. Scars in my face from an accident a couple of years back, pale basement dweller skin, hair like Patrick Throughton. It's not awesome. I'll never be good looking, but I'm trying to become normal looking. Is there a site or something where you can get safe, honest advice on your looks by sending them a couple of photo's? I'm not sure if I'll have the guts to do something like that anyway, but it might be worth considering. Obviously I'm not looking to have my face plastered all over the internet (a public forum or something like that would be completely out of the question) and it'd have to be a place I could be sure I could trust, but I don't really have anyone who could help me in that regard in my real life right now, and I don't really have the funds to contact a professional.

I know, this all seems very silly and very vain, but I literally can't stop worrying about my face when I'm around people. Constantly staring at myself in reflections, never able to act normally. It's something that needs to change.

I'm in the same boat, I have acne scarring that will never go away due to accutane which fucked up my facial skin permanently. BELIEVE ME, no matter how bad you think it is, it is no where near what is on my face One of the major reasons for my depression I have not seen a single person who has worse skin than mine, possibly a burn victim but they get skin graphs. My face feels like it's on fire half the time. Yeah, trust me, I would love to have some scars instead of my condition.

 

[brolster]

I read this, its a short 40 page book about a mans journey and his understanding of his own depression. To me, it really helped to understand my own depression by reading it from another persons perspective. It gave me insight on it and just overall another way to look at it If anyone has read it and wants to talk about it, PM me

 

[Aesius]

I'm 26, and after suffering from depression on and off for years, I thought I finally had it beat after I graduated from college, moved in with my gf, and had a stable life.

Well, lately I've been having intense anxiety over just about everything in the "grownup" world. The shitty economy, terrorism, screwed up healthcare in the U.S., etc. It's freaking me out, because I used to never be bothered by shit like that. But now I can feel my heart start racing when I read stories about the high unemployment rate or how people who are out of work for six months or more can't ever find jobs.

I also have this generalized feeling of disillusionment. Like nothing I do matters--why bother getting in shape, trying to advance my career to make more money, learn new skills? I just want to go to work (even though I hate my job) and come home.

I don't really even feel "sad" like I used to when I was battling depression. More like an overall feeling of annoyance coupled with anxiety and apathy. Does this sound like something that could be treated in therapy or with medication? To be honest, it almost feels worse than depression ever did. At least with depression I could feel hopeful about things from time to time, but now I feel like the state of the world is so fucked that nothing will ever get better.

 

[Verbal Intercourse]

I decided to let go a childhood friend. There isn't a mutual respect for one another, and I've been biting my tongue too much the past few years. I may not be the best friend when my mental health deteriorates, but I tend to withdraw rather than lash out.
I'm done with his immature ribbing, judgments, and put downs. We don't have to agree on everything, but I can't accept this belittling of others to elevate oneself. It's nasty and much of our time together has devolved into smoking pot--time wasted with little substance.

My closest friend, again from childhood, is also into drugs, but he's a good kid. He's happy living out life as a 22 year old partying and going through school and AFAIK mentally stable. That's not me, necessarily, and I can't afford a cocktail lifestyle of LSD, shrooms, alcohol, adderall, klonopin, and weed.
It is such a deterrent to getting better mentally, and I watch as my nearest friends (proximity wise) escalate their usage--delving now into opiates.

I don't know where to begin meeting people or building social networks that don't revolve around young 20-something year olds getting shit-faced for fun. I pretty much always surrounded myself with these types, or stayed isolated, while finding a kind of nerdy refuge on GAF where I could seek out my unfulfilled interests or find interesting discourse.

I am confident I can make new friends, though I've isolated myself so much at times. College was weird being forced around others 24/7--from finding an initially healthy friend group to often leading them into mayhem, legal trouble, and mischief--all while nostalgic with memories of my hometown friends who I respected for "not giving a fuck." Those days are in the past now as I've transferred schools and returned home--the distance weakening our ties.

To refocus this post I ask for anyone's advice on the best ways to meet people--healthy people. To do so I'm sure will require leaving the confines of my comfort zone, and overcoming the boredom of non-usage.

 

[Charles Foster Kane]

I've been feeling depressed lately. I've been paranoid too.

 

[AdventureRacing]

Hi again,

This is going to be a somewhat humiliating post, but as I already went into embarassing detail about my personal life in my last post it probably doesn't really matter anymore. As I explained, I suffered heavily from depression for a number of years, but recently I have been growing more positive and trying to better myself and my life. I'm focusing on being a better student, and I know what I have to do to achieve that, I'm trying to live a healthier life (I go outside as much as possible, excersise when I'm out in the country with my parents, try to eat healthy), and try to force myself to socialize as much as possible. My last post was very negative, but I was in a dark spot that evening. As things are right now, I am getting better almost every day, but there's still a lot to do.

My question: one of the biggest reasons for my social insecurity is the way I look. Scars in my face from an accident a couple of years back, pale basement dweller skin, hair like Patrick Throughton. It's not awesome. I'll never be good looking, but I'm trying to become normal looking. Is there a site or something where you can get safe, honest advice on your looks by sending them a couple of photo's? I'm not sure if I'll have the guts to do something like that anyway, but it might be worth considering. Obviously I'm not looking to have my face plastered all over the internet (a public forum or something like that would be completely out of the question) and it'd have to be a place I could be sure I could trust, but I don't really have anyone who could help me in that regard in my real life right now, and I don't really have the funds to contact a professional.

I know, this all seems very silly and very vain, but I literally can't stop worrying about my face when I'm around people. Constantly staring at myself in reflections, never able to act normally. It's something that needs to change.

Looking pale isn't necessarily an ugly trait. I know some people may think this sounds ridiculous but look at the main character from twilight, he's pale as a ghost and yet girls from all over the world swoon for him. As much as people seem to be obsessed with tanned skin pale skin can be quite attractive.

I don't think you're vain for feeling that way. Everyone has different things they need to do to make them feel better. My partner has depression and she loves to wear lots of make-up. She looks fantastic without it (actually better imo) and she has told me this herself but wearing it gives her extra confidence to go out in public.

Without seeing you personally my main tips would be to get a new style for your hair, you can even ask the hair dresser for tips. Just tell them you don't know much about style or what you really want to go for and ask if they have any ideas. I did this myself and i'm extremely happy with the results. Otherwise really focus on the way you dress, this doesn't have to be specific to you just read up on some good looking clothes in general. Being well groomed/dressed can make pretty much anyone look good.

I would also suggest trying to get into doing some exercise. It's a nice way to unwind and even if you don't make huge changes to your physical appearance it can make you feel a lot better about yourself.

The main thing is make sure any changes you make are for you. Even the most beautiful people can feel self conscious about their looks. It's all about being happy within your own skin, if you can be happy about the way you look than you won't be so worried about how other people think of you. It's an incredibly difficult battle and i really hope you can overcome it as you sound like a really nice person.

 

[Windam]

Another year older, another year (spent and to be spent) feeling like shit! Only been up two hours but today already feels like the worst day this week. Anxious, suicidal and awfully irritable right now. Seriously trying my hardest to just not break down in class. I don't think I can last the whole day like this.

 

[Hermii]

GAF Im an Internet addict.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_addiction_disorder

I know it sounds ridicilus but when Im off the Internet trying to study or somtething I get all kind of automatic negative thoughts, anxieties, shame and depressive feelings and the best way to estuingish these feelings is starting to browse gaf or some newsite or playing a stupid flash game or something. Works kind of like an eating disorder only Im not eating (altough I do that sometimes to, but Im not fat or skinny or worried about my weight).

I always had a tendency to run away from problems, low self image, self esteem and such but it has gotten worse in the last years. I need to learn to deal with my feelings another way than to try getting away from them.

 

[RionaaM]

I have a Masters in receptor biology and I was going to medical school, planning to go into psychiatry, yeah. I've had to take a break from my studies, actually, because my own depression has gotten quite bad. I'm taking this time off to get myself back in (mental) shape. So I certainly have more time to be active in here lately. I hope it's not too much. I don't want to annoy people by posting too much.

Honestly, researching things for my posts, answering questions, trying to be helpful in general - it's the best thing for my own depression. I explain it to people by saying that trying to tackle other people's problems allows me to face my own problems, outside of my own head. It has been a big help as I try to get myself back closer to 100%.

edit: depression-GAF is not getting me down! I kind of regret posting this! I'm getting messages about taking care of myself. I am guys! I appreciate the concern, though! Honestly, helping people here is about the most therapeutic thing for me. It's hard to battle depression in your own head - it makes it easier for me to try to battle it in you guys! When I give some advice to people, like, "don't be so hard on yourself," or whatever (it's ALWAYs way better than that! My advice is, like, GENIUS! So deep!), it tends to make me go, "...oh. I should think about that, too." It's silly, but external problems are easier to face than internal ones. If I can get my problems out of my own head, I can see them more clearly and fight them better.

If I do get bogged down by this, I'll step away, no worries. I'm just a small part of the help that people are getting here. This community takes care of itself, and our members are so incredible!

<3 you Bags. We need to play some online game on Steam one of these days, I'd love to beat you on a Max Payne 3 deathmatch or something like that, lol

Spoiler

you're totally going to kick my ass, right?

EDIT: I promised to send you a little paragraph about MP3, right? I totally forgot about that, sorry. Do you still want me to write it?

 

[Go_Ly_Dow]

Tried my best to get a girl who I was very close to to seek help. Every time I pierced her comfort bubble she would shut herself off and lash out (a simple "are you okay" was enough to do it). Later she would apologize and feel pain as she knew I only cared about her and would feel terrible for how she treated me.

This was a on going cycle and I'm not sure what it was and neither does she know why I caused her to have these episodes.

We cut ties yesterday and I sadly I can only ever see her seeking help when she crashes even further down the hole.There's nothing more I want to do right now than just to give her the push she needs, but I know it will just get messy again and she doesn't want to help herself.

Wish I could just understand what she suffered from. She said she was bipolar type II, has mania and depression bouts, but I feel it's more than that.

Feel pain knowing that she's in pain right now. I hope she can pull through this stage of her life.

 

[Sibylus]

Haven't been able to sleep the past two nights because of my dosage changes. Fun times.

 

[Boem]

Wow, I'm seeing a lot of answers to my post. Thanks everyone, it genuinely means a lot. I don't really have a lot of time to answer all of you in detail right now as I have to catch a train, but I'll post again as soon as possible (hopefully tomorrow morning).

Just a general response: I agree that a lot of this is probably more about confidence than looks - just a couple of years ago it was way easier for me to connect to people, before I became a complete hermit. I wasn't exactly a looker back than either.

I'm going to a birthday party tonight. I don't really know a lot of people there, and I know from experience that these things will often only make me feel lonelier in the end (as someone else said earlier in this thread), and I've sort of been freaking out about it all day. I'm trying to calm down though. Should just go there with no expectations. It's just a party in the end. We'll see how it goes.

Okay, really have to go now, I'll post more when I get the chance.

 

[Sidewinder]

Another year older, another year (spent and to be spent) feeling like shit! Only been up two hours but today already feels like the worst day this week. Anxious, suicidal and awfully irritable right now. Seriously trying my hardest to just not break down in class. I don't think I can last the whole day like this.

Happy birthday Windam, I guess? I wish you'll find some happiness this year.

 

[EverythingShiny]

Depression on the other hand is a very deep, obscure and fetid place, where there are no stairs and the walls are steep and slippery. Every little misstep, every little obstacle that's in your way will pile up and weigh down on you for a long time, making it oh so much more difficult to move on. Your mind will begin to continuously brood over the failures, awkward moments, losses and more dark thoughts, because that's all there is left inside this pit. Like a black hole, depression will suck up all light and make it invisible to your own eyes. And it stays like that day after day after day after day...most passersby won’t even notice you, because they can’t discern you from the darkness that surrounds you. If somebody happens to shout down the pit, trying to help you out, you won’t be able to hear them, because you’re too far away and you wouldn’t be able to understand them anyway after staying for too long in this hole.

Sorry for my rant, I had to let out some of my thoughts that keep circling inside my head. Am I wrong in assuming that some/many of you feel the same way, when they think about how it was “before”?

I feel you. I really do. I've struggled with my issues for a long time, but I have had moments of clarity where I could shrug things off much easier and, as a whole, I was able to deal with life a lot better than I am now. I think it's something that many of us struggle with.

Instead of letting that weigh me down, I try to think of it as a goal - it's how I want to feel again. It's a good motivation, knowing that you have been able to deal with life without the tinted glasses of depression, but it can also be incredibly frustrating to see how far you've fallen, for lack of a better word.

Hang in there. I know it feels hopeless now, but you can reclaim everything you've lost. I have.

 

[Windam]

Happy birthday Windam, I guess? I wish you'll find some happiness this year.

Thanks, but it hasn't been very happy so far. Feeling suicidal again. *sigh* I'm so tired of this.

 

[Iph]

Hmm. Not very often, actually. I think I do an okay job taking time away from depression-GAF when I need it. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time on the OP, and talking to new people who are showing up. I feel like at least I'm doing that little bit to help people, even if I have to take this time to get myself back on track. It keeps me from feeling totally self-centered.

And the friends I've made in here have been so supportive and so good to me. I always have people to talk to, to joke around with and lighten my mood, to teach me League of Legends (<3 Trin!) - you guys are amazing! It has been a difficult time in my life, but my friends in here have really kept me going. And even people who aren't good friends (yet!), like you and Smiley already are, have really boosted my spirits with the kind words I've heard about the things I try to do for depression-GAF. Just having someone like FillerB - who I didn't really even know! - make some kickass banners for our new thread, just because he has been reading the thread and finding it helpful - it gives me the warm fuzzies.

If it does get stressful, the nice thing about being online, is I can just back away and get some space. But as we've had more people join our community and ask for help, people like you have really stepped up - it's hardly just me talking to people on skype and in chat. Most of the time, nowadays, by the time I talk to someone, they'll say "I talked to nithidia/fiction/prax/smiley/etc last night and they really helped me!" I love this community, and I don't mind being the face of depression-GAF, or whatever I am, but I do a small fraction of all of the good stuff that happens in here.

Thx! Sometimes I used to have a problem with getting overloaded and stressed with things, so it's always good to hear how accomplished people manage without things getting too out of hand for themselves. :3

 

[falconzss]

Hey Gaf,

this is my first post in quite some time. I took some time off and tried to get my life back in order (at least to some extend). Don't know what my last posting included but my medication has been upped to 40mg Citalopram (early morning) and 30 mg Mirtazapin (evening to get myself to sleep). It kinda helps with feeling more active and less sleepy but in generell I don't feel "better" (yeah I feel better in comparison before, which isn't hard).
Had my first sessions with my psychotherapist which were disappointing. After waiting for months to get this appointment he told me I should consult another doctor which would also take another 6+ months to get an appointment there.
I'm at a loss at the moment. I thought that I could finally get treatment there besides the medication but all he did was up the medication at the first session and told me to see another doc at the second one without even talking to me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that my pills are having an effect to some extend that make it possible to attend university again but I still have those days where I just can't do anything, spending the whole day in bed, not wanting to eat and so on.
Right now as I'm posting this I'm having the worst hours since I've started taking medication. I'm feeling abandoned, lost and could start crying any minute. The worst thing is, that I more and more doubt that my medication is going to help me in the long run. It started good and I had little to no side effects but the last to weeks haven't been pretty at all.

Sorry GAF, just felt like I needed to type a few lines. Stay strong Depression-GAF!

 

[Windam]

Hey Gaf,

this is my first post in quite some time. I took some time off and tried to get my life back in order (at least to so psychotherapist, 't know what my last posting included but my medication has been upped to 40mg Citalopram (early morning) and 30 mg Mirtazapin (evening to get myself to sleep). It kinda helps with feeling more active and less sleepy but in generell I don't feel "better" (yeah I feel better in comparison before, which isn't hard).
Had my first sessions with my psychotherapist which were disappointing. After waiting for months to get this appointment he told me I should consult another doctor which would also take another 6+ months to get an appointment there.
I'm at a loss at the moment. I thought that I could finally get treatment there besides the medication but all he did was up the medication at the first session and told me to see another doc at the second one without even talking to me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad that my pills are having an effect to some extend that make it possible to attend university again but I still have those days where I just can't do anything, spending the whole day in bed, not wanting to eat and so on.
Right now as I'm posting this I'm having the worst hours since I've started taking medication. I'm feeling abandoned, lost and could start crying any minute. The worst thing is, that I more and more doubt that my medication is going to help me in the long run. It started good and I had little to no side effects but the last to weeks haven't been pretty at all.

Sorry GAF, just felt like I needed to type a few lines. Stay strong Depression-GAF!

Don't apologize for anything. I know how you feel on the medication front, and I'm sure there are plenty of others feeling the same as well. As for your psychotherapist, he didn't offer any help or advice at all aside from telling you to see another doctor? That blows, I'm sorry. Hope it works out for you.

 

[falconzss]

Don't apologize for anything. I know how you feel on the medication front, and I'm sure there are plenty of others feeling the same as well. As for your psychotherapist, he didn't offer any help or advice at all aside from telling you to see another doctor? That blows, I'm sorry. Hope it works out for you.

Thanks. The thing that bugs me is that I was really looking forward to actually talk about my problems. I've been on medication before, all he did was up the dose and exchange my medication for the night because the other stuff didn't help. I just don't see the point why I'm there to beginn with if all he does is pointing me to someone else. That's what frustrates me right now. Guess I have to look for somebody else in the meantime.

How are you hanging in there?

Edit: Sorry, didn't read the above. Belated Happy Birthday Wish you the best. Try to stay strong!

 

[Collete]

Long day, spent the past 9 hours writing for stuff due at midnight tonight.
Really tired and all I can think about is the shit I'm dealing with...
*sigh*
I really just need a break...

 

[Windam]

Didn't post this before, but I ditched school early due to some stuff going on there which made me feel like shit, so I walked home (took about 35 mins?). Got home, locked myself in my room and cried. Not a good cry; I didn't let everything out, I just couldn't for some reason. Just got back home from going out with one of my cousins. Didn't really do anything, and I spent a good part of the time wishing I was dead or just not here. I'm so angry, sad, and frustrated with everything that I just want to up and leave everything. Wouldn't matter anyway.

"Happy" birthday, indeed. Bleh. :/

 

[BigEvilTurtle]

I've started going to the gym. This is making me feel a lot better about myself, but I'm still being held back by a lot of personal and emotional battles taking place in my head every day. I need to spend my time busy so I don't dwell on the problems I can't necessarily fix right now.

I'm just so afraid for the future. I can't seem to concentrate on the present as much as I should.

 

[MikeDip]

I've had back problems for a while but they are starting to clear up so I can start exercising again. Can't wait, that usually helps me a lot with my mental problems.

 

[White Man]

I intermittently want to open up in here. I've had a hell of a 3 years.

 

[Woorloog]

I intermittently want to open up in here. I've had a hell of a 3 years.

You're a NeoGAF moderator, we understand if you need to open up.

...
If you don't mind me joking. First time here when i could think of something that may work as a joke...

 

[falconzss]

Didn't post this before, but I ditched school early due to some stuff going on there which made me feel like shit, so I walked home (took about 35 mins?). Got home, locked myself in my room and cried. Not a good cry; I didn't let everything out, I just couldn't for some reason. Just got back home from going out with one of my cousins. Didn't really do anything, and I spent a good part of the time wishing I was dead or just not here. I'm so angry, sad, and frustrated with everything that I just want to up and leave everything. Wouldn't matter anyway.

"Happy" birthday, indeed. Bleh. :/

Sorry man, I don't want to sound like someone who knows what you're going through since it's different for every one of us. Nonetheless I feel like I can still understand you (if that makes any sense). Sat down this evening with two friends and felt like dying during the conversation. I just felt like I didn't know what I am even doing there at times. Worst thing of all is that I can't handle those days without alcohol. It's the only time I can feel fine for a few hours (if done in moderation).

 

[Windam]

Sorry man, I don't want to sound like someone who knows what you're going through since it's different for every one of us. Nonetheless I feel like I can still understand you (if that makes any sense). Sat down this evening with two friends and felt like dying during the conversation. I just felt like I didn't know what I am even doing there at times. Worst thing of all is that I can't handle those days without alcohol. It's the only time I can feel fine for a few hours (if done in moderation).

I can for sure relate to that... I'm just like that all the time though.

 

[Collete]

Didn't post this before, but I ditched school early due to some stuff going on there which made me feel like shit, so I walked home (took about 35 mins?). Got home, locked myself in my room and cried. Not a good cry; I didn't let everything out, I just couldn't for some reason. Just got back home from going out with one of my cousins. Didn't really do anything, and I spent a good part of the time wishing I was dead or just not here. I'm so angry, sad, and frustrated with everything that I just want to up and leave everything. Wouldn't matter anyway.

"Happy" birthday, indeed. Bleh. :/

...Still Happy Birthday Windam!
I just hope you being here on GAF makes you feel a bit better.

I've started going to the gym. This is making me feel a lot better about myself, but I'm still being held back by a lot of personal and emotional battles taking place in my head every day. I need to spend my time busy so I don't dwell on the problems I can't necessarily fix right now.

I'm just so afraid for the future. I can't seem to concentrate on the present as much as I should.

If it's what I think it is, don't give up.
You're doing best you can now that's all anyone can ask right now. The effort you do will eventually pay off in the end one way or another.
You got this, man. I'm still here for ya on steam, k?

I intermittently want to open up in here. I've had a hell of a 3 years.

We'll still be here if you open up further.
I'll be listening.

At least you survived those 3 years. Good work.

 

[MikeDip]

I really need to start studying but I can't stop worrying about stupid stuff. Ahhh.

 

[falconzss]

I can for sure relate to that... I'm just like that all the time though.

Sounds familiar, one of the reasons why I can't be with people without alcohol (yeah it's bad).
It's sadly the only thing that clears my bad thoughts for some time. Of course that's no solution to the problem but honestly, right now I take everything that helps to take my mind off of things. Sadly, that didn't even work today...
Oh man..., reading my own stuff makes me even more ashamed of myself. Time to take my pill to fall asleep before I start crying...

Edit: Good night

 

[jb1234]

I've started going to the gym. This is making me feel a lot better about myself, but I'm still being held back by a lot of personal and emotional battles taking place in my head every day. I need to spend my time busy so I don't dwell on the problems I can't necessarily fix right now.

I'm just so afraid for the future. I can't seem to concentrate on the present as much as I should.

Yeah, I get that. I'm not physically able to work out at the gym but I do take as many walks as I can throughout the day and I find that after I'm done, I feel better. At the very least, I've killed time doing something productive.

 

[User 100115]

I intermittently want to open up in here. I've had a hell of a 3 years.

If you are uncomfortable with opening up because you are mod, feel free to pm one of us, or jump in chat under a fake name, or send something anon to the email in the OP. It will be posted here for you Venting is one of the best things you can do, getting it all out there seems to help a ton of people.

 

[Smiley90]

If you are uncomfortable with opening up because you are mod, feel free to pm one of us, or jump in chat under a fake name, or send something anon to the email in the OP. It will be posted here for you Venting is one of the best things you can do, getting it all out there seems to help a ton of people.

This. Posting here isn't the only way to get a story off your chest.

 

[Bagels]

<3 you Bags. We need to play some online game on Steam one of these days, I'd love to beat you on a Max Payne 3 deathmatch or something like that, lol

Spoiler

you're totally going to kick my ass, right?

EDIT: I promised to send you a little paragraph about MP3, right? I totally forgot about that, sorry. Do you still want me to write it?

Jeez. So many posts to reply to! I'll have to do a huge Prax-style post soon because what I have to say is SUPER IMPORTANT.


New chat banner from Prax!





For now, yeah, that short thing about MP3 would be great! And more depressionGAMING!

 

[White Man]

I'll try to be brief. This is just the beginning of the most recent chapter. Anyone that's been here long knows I've never been stable, but things escalated fast and although things are under control, I've been stranded at an extremely uncomfortable plateau (I may not get to that here). In general, I'm keeping things snappy here, and I'm skipping things not immediately relevant. Feel free to ask questions--don't feel bad if I don't get back to them immediately. Busy guy here.

I had a really bad couple of weeks a couple of years back. I'm generally laid back, but over the course of two weeks, I got really aggressive personality-wise, and very irritable. I kept getting more and more frustrated and I eventually got confrontational. I torched many relationships at work in days--I'm an editor, and that was a very very bad thing. I ruined a couple of friendships as things went on, some ended, some tarnished, one I've barely tried to recover, none the same. Things culminated on a night paranoia sent tension through the roof, and I got into a serious car accident late at night (no other vehicles involved), and I stopped doing drugs and drinking years before). Totaled my (then brand new) car. Got into a fight with the cop at the scene. Got arrested.

My blood tests came back clean but the police knew I was spun or strung out or something. Probably because I'm a well to do white dude and I had just totaled my $40k car, they told me they wouldn't press charges if they'd let them take me into the hospital. Several inpatient days later, after speaking with several specialists in the loony ward, I learned that this had all been, to the best of my knowledge, my first serious manic episode. It wouldn't be the last.

I'm stopping the narrative for now, feel free to ask questions.

 

[Sidewinder]

I feel you. I really do. I've struggled with my issues for a long time, but I have had moments of clarity where I could shrug things off much easier and, as a whole, I was able to deal with life a lot better than I am now. I think it's something that many of us struggle with.

Instead of letting that weigh me down, I try to think of it as a goal - it's how I want to feel again. It's a good motivation, knowing that you have been able to deal with life without the tinted glasses of depression, but it can also be incredibly frustrating to see how far you've fallen, for lack of a better word.

Hang in there. I know it feels hopeless now, but you can reclaim everything you've lost. I have.

Thanks, it means a lot to me. Maybe this year will be the year I finally get (professional) help from outside, I tried for so long to tackle this bitch alone, it's no use to go on like that. Beginning from zero with nothing to build upon and with some major handicaps like social anxiety, depression and no self-esteem to boot feels insurmountable. It's infuriating.

 

[Pakkidis]

I'll try to be brief. This is just the beginning of the most recent chapter. Anyone that's been here long knows I've never been stable, but things escalated fast and although things are under control, I've been stranded at an extremely uncomfortable plateau (I may not get to that here). In general, I'm keeping things snappy here, and I'm skipping things not immediately relevant. Feel free to ask questions--don't feel bad if I don't get back to them immediately. Busy guy here.

I had a really bad couple of weeks a couple of years back. I'm generally laid back, but over the course of two weeks, I got really aggressive personality-wise, and very irritable. I kept getting more and more frustrated and I eventually got confrontational. I torched many relationships at work in days--I'm an editor, and that was a very very bad thing. I ruined a couple of friendships as things went on, some ended, some tarnished, one I've barely tried to recover, none the same. Things culminated on a night paranoia sent tension through the roof, and I got into a serious car accident late at night (no other vehicles involved), and I stopped doing drugs and drinking years before). Totaled my (then brand new) car. Got into a fight with the cop at the scene. Got arrested.

My blood tests came back clean but the police knew I was spun or strung out or something. Probably because I'm a well to do white dude and I had just totaled my $40k car, they told me they wouldn't press charges if they'd let them take me into the hospital. Several inpatient days later, after speaking with several specialists in the loony ward, I learned that this had all been, to the best of my knowledge, my first serious manic episode. It wouldn't be the last.

I'm stopping the narrative for now, feel free to ask questions.

I feel you brother, had my fair share of 'episodes' When the stress got going my brain just couldn't handle it

I"m volunteering at a thrift store next Tuesday, my first day, my life is going backwards because of my illness

 

[Dice]

Oh, a new thread. One very well put together, I might add.

 

[Windam]

Decided to crash early last night. It was no help; my dreams were terrible. The anxiety is so bad today that I feel physically ill. I just threw up (only liquid because I haven't eaten anything aside from a slice of bread in the last 24 hours). I really just don't know what to do.