You should not watch those videos it is very bad for your mental health. It is similar to having a cut arm and then immersing it in sewerage.
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Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
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You should not watch those videos it is very bad for your mental health. It is similar to having a cut arm and then immersing it in sewerage.
Hi neojubei. Doesn't the fact that you have a friend and are making a fun trip to Japan demonstrate that there can be great joy in life? Life can be pretty tough sometimes, but there it is important to remember that there is good and bad; its not always a constant stream of badness, even if it can feel that way, or even if we go through particular dark periods in our lives.
I know you sometimes post about feeling unlovable in the gay dating world. I'm a gay man myself and I don't consider myself attractive. I'm 25, almost 26, and I've never been in a relationship, but I don't necessarily feel too depressed about it because I don't base my entire self-worth on being in a relationship.
My life isn't stress free, I work as a cover teacher at a school and I can get pretty down teaching in one class where the majority of the students actively dislike me (and boy do they let me know!). But I don't suffer deep depression like I used to when I was 16-20 because I make an effort to consider the different aspects in life where I've achieved something (even if its meagre), or had a positive experience.
I was crazy introverted in the last years of high school; I used to hide in the bathroom stalls or do my art project in the art room during break times because I felt like an unlikable loner. I also had none of the normal experiences of adolescent, house parties, dating etc. I also avoided getting a job or learning to drive until my twenties.
Considering the way I was back then, I find it ridiculous that my full time job now is instructing classes of kids. Its hardly some amazing success story, but for me, I've achieved some satisfaction in making personal improvements in my life, even if I still have to deal with the annoying stresses of life, and even if there are somethings I hope to still improve in the future.
There will always be the shitty parts of life, but there will always be the good as well. I think the most we can do is try our best and make personals goals that can help us achieve some form of happiness, or even find joy in the simple things; nice weather, eating something delicious, meeting a friend, playing a game, encountering a great book/movie/song for the first time etc.
I empathise with the posts in this thread, even if my experiences are not exactly the same, because I once did have a very negative and worthless mindset that internalised myself as a failure. I believe everybody can overcome this adversity, even if our journeys are different.
pixelation
Member
Yes, that's exacty what i meant. Thanks.
I think of depression (or any negative mental state or even positive) as like a song.
Like most creative works I assume, the song was influenced and formed by inspirations. The depressed song's inspirations were moments like "when you felt unloved or abandoned by a loved one when they turned away or left you", "when you were, perhaps vulnerably, being your self fully and someone laughed or criticized you and you learned it wasn't okay to be you", and other experiences of similar quality that maybe by majority filled your life.
The "bad result" comes about when life or people ask you to play "your song", and you play the one that you've come to learn (practice and unknowingly, become adept at), a song that was "shitty" by design and accordingly, the audience's reception of it is bad. And when it comes to time to tell who is to be credited as the writer of this "shitty" song, logically who else, but you the one who played it? When in truth, there is no one writer - the song was actually written by the many inspirations that you had to work with.
The general influence of "your song" was most likely greatly influenced by the lineage of song makers who surrounded and taught you most i.e. your family (your parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc.). Some are lucky to have "musically talented" family. Other families, may have had less experience or were poorly "self-taught" and taught you their ways - good and bad.
My inspiration is ending on this, so I will end with this. When negative influences fill a majority of a person's life and become our main teachers, it's only natural that we'd become "highly trained" and adept at negative ways. It's okay to stop taking full credit for the "shitty" song. Using the "inspirations" you had, what song were you most likely to create?
You've merely become adept at it, but you still have the capacity to learn a new "musical" direction.
Begin to seek out other inspirations and teachers - and begin to form a new direction.
Like most creative works I assume, the song was influenced and formed by inspirations. The depressed song's inspirations were moments like "when you felt unloved or abandoned by a loved one when they turned away or left you", "when you were, perhaps vulnerably, being your self fully and someone laughed or criticized you and you learned it wasn't okay to be you", and other experiences of similar quality that maybe by majority filled your life.
The "bad result" comes about when life or people ask you to play "your song", and you play the one that you've come to learn (practice and unknowingly, become adept at), a song that was "shitty" by design and accordingly, the audience's reception of it is bad. And when it comes to time to tell who is to be credited as the writer of this "shitty" song, logically who else, but you the one who played it? When in truth, there is no one writer - the song was actually written by the many inspirations that you had to work with.
The general influence of "your song" was most likely greatly influenced by the lineage of song makers who surrounded and taught you most i.e. your family (your parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc.). Some are lucky to have "musically talented" family. Other families, may have had less experience or were poorly "self-taught" and taught you their ways - good and bad.
My inspiration is ending on this, so I will end with this. When negative influences fill a majority of a person's life and become our main teachers, it's only natural that we'd become "highly trained" and adept at negative ways. It's okay to stop taking full credit for the "shitty" song. Using the "inspirations" you had, what song were you most likely to create?
You've merely become adept at it, but you still have the capacity to learn a new "musical" direction.
Begin to seek out other inspirations and teachers - and begin to form a new direction.
ThomasAnderson
Member
Not my best day. My 8 year relationship seems to be coming to an end but I doubt that has anything to do with my mood. I've felt depressed and alone in the world all my life. Growing up i was abused but it was considered normal having old school parents and all. Got my ass whooped over bad grades, misbehavior, and not eating dinner. Was force fed as a child which led to anorexia and short hospital stay. Thought things would get better with age but no. Common theme throughout has been what's the point? Always hated school, probably because of the abuse associated with it. And I absolutely HATE being told what to do or having expectations. Which is crazy caused I survived 6 years in the military. Barely did that as I ended up on suicide watch on the way out. It feels like no matter what I obtain or achieve I'll feel like I always have. Gaming is my first love and a huge outlet for me but now it longer brings joy or relief. I do enjoy working out and will hit some pull-ups outside to clear my head. 30 years of the same shit is hard to take though.
Thanks for listening and I wish you all the best.
Thanks for listening and I wish you all the best.
Hey GAF I feel really crushed today and I'm sitting down on my couch feeling totally defeated and crying, knowing I have work to do but my brain just died and can't bring myself to do anything right now.
I'm graduating from University in April with a degree in Biology and currently doing my apprenticeship to be a teacher. The idea was that out of college I would teach for at least one year to make money for me to move out of my parent's house and live my life. Initially I wanted to be a teacher because I thought I did genuinely want to do it while also having the ability to make my art on the side. I chose biology because I had some interest in it while I was in high school and saw it as something that 1) I was good at and 2) I could see myself teaching. I didn't really love it or anything, though. And teaching... I just don't have the heart for it. I can't do it. I feel so sorry for my students right now, I'm just not passionate about the material nor the job right now.
4 years ago when I was applying to colleges I did apply to art colleges but chose my current university because I was offered a full scholarship. I missed out on art and it's always been my dream to get better and better and better with it, and drawing and the need to create I feel gives me purpose in my life. Today I went to a portfolio day where I spoke to reviewers from colleges around the country really loved my work, think I have good skill, and are wondering why I'm making such a dramatic switch from science to art now and why I'm not going to art school as we speak. I just can't afford it, even if they like me. On top of that, my boyfriend actually goes to an art school on the other side of the country so I feel like it's something that's so close to my reach and yet I can't have it, not to mention that he himself is in the other side of the country, someone quite dear to me who I've been seeing for about 4 years at this point which is just as depressing, because when I'm actually with him a lot of my worries about my life disappear and yet when he's away, he's doing the things I can only wish I am doing, lol...
So here I am today, wishing I can do art, knowing that I can do more art if I had more time, needing to do lesson plans, the work for my last few college classes which make me feel depressed at every minute, with my boyfriend in the other side of the country and feeling sad, wishing I can be doing more with my life and make myself happy and not miserable and sad about my future, with very little friends, a heavy heart, and, yeah. I feel like I can't do anything, and that my life is one big failure. This whole art debacle actually left me incredibly, incredibly depressed in my 3rd year of Uni, last semester was so much more hopeful, but I feel like this semester will be rock bottom again.
Thanks for reading, anyone. I just don't know what to do with myself right now.
I'm graduating from University in April with a degree in Biology and currently doing my apprenticeship to be a teacher. The idea was that out of college I would teach for at least one year to make money for me to move out of my parent's house and live my life. Initially I wanted to be a teacher because I thought I did genuinely want to do it while also having the ability to make my art on the side. I chose biology because I had some interest in it while I was in high school and saw it as something that 1) I was good at and 2) I could see myself teaching. I didn't really love it or anything, though. And teaching... I just don't have the heart for it. I can't do it. I feel so sorry for my students right now, I'm just not passionate about the material nor the job right now.
4 years ago when I was applying to colleges I did apply to art colleges but chose my current university because I was offered a full scholarship. I missed out on art and it's always been my dream to get better and better and better with it, and drawing and the need to create I feel gives me purpose in my life. Today I went to a portfolio day where I spoke to reviewers from colleges around the country really loved my work, think I have good skill, and are wondering why I'm making such a dramatic switch from science to art now and why I'm not going to art school as we speak. I just can't afford it, even if they like me. On top of that, my boyfriend actually goes to an art school on the other side of the country so I feel like it's something that's so close to my reach and yet I can't have it, not to mention that he himself is in the other side of the country, someone quite dear to me who I've been seeing for about 4 years at this point which is just as depressing, because when I'm actually with him a lot of my worries about my life disappear and yet when he's away, he's doing the things I can only wish I am doing, lol...
So here I am today, wishing I can do art, knowing that I can do more art if I had more time, needing to do lesson plans, the work for my last few college classes which make me feel depressed at every minute, with my boyfriend in the other side of the country and feeling sad, wishing I can be doing more with my life and make myself happy and not miserable and sad about my future, with very little friends, a heavy heart, and, yeah. I feel like I can't do anything, and that my life is one big failure. This whole art debacle actually left me incredibly, incredibly depressed in my 3rd year of Uni, last semester was so much more hopeful, but I feel like this semester will be rock bottom again.
Thanks for reading, anyone. I just don't know what to do with myself right now.
TangerineCloud
Banned
You're so close to graduating! Just hang in there and do the best that you can to make it through this last semester.
I know what it's like to have to pursue something that you didn't necessarily want to because the art school dream didn't work out. But the great thing about art is that nothing (save for a debilitating injury or something) can ever truly stop you from pursuing it. If you're skilled enough, there's still even a chance that you could make a living off of your artwork without going to an art school.
I get that you're struggling to maintain your effort and interest in teaching biology, and the thought of that becoming your full-time career for the rest of your life is probably a depressing one. But graduating in something doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to doing it forever. Even if you do have to take a full-time job as a biology teacher at some point, that could end up being beneficial by allowing you to pursue art from a more secure financial position. I'm not claiming that striving to make a living on selling art while teaching biology will be easy, but it's still an opportunity that exists for you. And instead of feeling jealous that your boyfriend is able to pursue the thing you want, realize that being with a person who is in the art world could open a lot of doors in terms of connections, jobs, and freelance opportunities. Again, these won't necessarily come easily, but the opportunities are still there.
I totally sympathize with your struggle here, and I know how difficult it is to have to put so much time and effort into something you're not completely invested in. But you're so close to being done with college. You're SO close. Just try to stay focused on seizing opportunities to develop your art skills that you currently have and will have in the future . This won't be the end for you as an artist. Not even close.
Adam_Vania
Banned
i have known teachers and it seems like very demanding work. it can be very rewarding if you are passionate but it may not pay all that well for the amount of work required. but if you have a biology degree there may be other opportunities for you to pursue as well, not just teaching. maybe look into archiving or working in a lab? maybe take your art interest and combine that with your degree somehow doing biological illustrations and design?
i got a degree in art and now my day job is QA for websites. the connection i got it from came through making music videos freelance making little money (but lots of art) for years and years. a degree is meaningful in that it instructs you in the trade and shows you can do the hard work, you can take on that responsibility, etc., but it doesn't necessarily need to be limiting. you CAN do art. just do it. an art school degree is not a guarantee of a successful art career. just work on your craft. personally i will make art and music all my life, whether i make money on it or not matters not, it is something i need for my mental health. chances are if u continue to make art, and you share that with the world, you will find people who love it as well.
Feeling even less safe then I did this time last week. Super frustrated because I don't know where else to turn for help. I have weekly appointments with my psychiatrist at the university, whom I dislike mostly because of frustration with not getting better even though we've tried so many different things. In my 7th year of school now, so I'm way past the date I should be graduating, will be graduating assuming I make it through the semester. But I can't exactly check myself into the hospital like last time when I was feeling unsafe because they force you to stay there for 3ish days, and I can't miss that amount of school. This is because my only two remaining classes are both group work oriented and we have meetings and work to do every day.
At this point if I checked myself into the hospital I'd have to tell my group and deal with that stigma, which I don't think I would be able to deal with. So I'd have to end up dropping out of university for the semester/for good, disappointing my family even more. Seems like it would be a complete waste having gone this far and not getting my engineering degree. Even if I don't particularly want to use it or enjoy it, but that could just be because of my depression. I should still finish the degree after this long.
On a more positive note, got into a group for cbt for social anxiety. My doc thinks by dealing with my social anxiety, I'll make more friends and be more social and less isolated leading to less depression. Which makes sense to me.
Like every other day, I'll go to bed hoping tomorrow will be better. It almost never is, but I need something to get me through the night.
At this point if I checked myself into the hospital I'd have to tell my group and deal with that stigma, which I don't think I would be able to deal with. So I'd have to end up dropping out of university for the semester/for good, disappointing my family even more. Seems like it would be a complete waste having gone this far and not getting my engineering degree. Even if I don't particularly want to use it or enjoy it, but that could just be because of my depression. I should still finish the degree after this long.
On a more positive note, got into a group for cbt for social anxiety. My doc thinks by dealing with my social anxiety, I'll make more friends and be more social and less isolated leading to less depression. Which makes sense to me.
Like every other day, I'll go to bed hoping tomorrow will be better. It almost never is, but I need something to get me through the night.
I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I hate this. I hate feeling like a zombie due to the anti psychotics I need to take. I hate that they have murdered my sex drive and decreased the sensitivity in my genitals to the point where I'm literally a eunuch. I'm still young and want to go out, have life experiences, live, love and make lasting memories, but that has been taken from me by my illness and arguably the way my doctors have chosen to combat it. I don't have hallucinations anymore, so there's that. But now my life is restricted to being a domesticated zombie, living vicariously through videogames and the internet. Some external stimulation would be ideal, but what's the point? What's the point of going outside and socializing if I am unable to do so in a way that would make me happy? And I'll only make everyone around me miserable anyway due to being unable to feel genuine happiness do to a chemical imbalance. It could be worse though, admittedly. I'm not sure that what I am experiencing could even be called suffering. Although I am miserable, it's not painful or super challenging. I just wish I was able to live the life I want to live.
V1LÆM
Gold Member
This is the worst I've felt since 2012. I'd say that was my lowest point of depression. Things started looking up and I was soon off medication. Therapy really helped but I never have believed my depression was "cured". I could just keep it under control. I still thougt about suicide but was never any serious planning or intention.
The last week has been awful. I don't really want to get into what triggered it because I don't wanna feel anymore ashamed or pathetic that I already am. I just feel like I have lost touch of reality because I keep thinking all sorts of ridiculous things that are never gonna happen. So this kinda gets my hopes up and what I was trying to do I didn't find easy at all. Literally almost all week it has been on my mind and I guess I just found it frustrating and exhausting because a part of me knows I'm not being realistic and I am trying to control my thoughts so I can at least try avoid the crash which I know is coming. Some of my thoughts were normal but a lot of it was me putting myself down. For example, not directly related to this, but more and more recently I keep saying stuff to my self like "You're pathetic." "Nobody cares or likes you" "You don't deserve any friends" "You don't need any food because you're just a fat piece of shit" "You're a dick/cunt/asshole". I just keep saying stuff like this to myself all the time and I know it's not healthy.
Well the crash came today and oh wow it has been a nightmare. I woke up at 11:30pm last night and felt fine until I got into work at 6AM. I just got so fucking angry frustrated and pissed off but kept it all inside me. I tried avoiding people and if i spoke to them I'd keep myself calm. I'm not so much of a fucking idiot to lose my job. Anyway i started with all the shit. "What did you expect asshole? I fucking told you this would happen but no you just couldn't fucking listen. You're fucking pathetic you asshole. Get to work fat fuck and don't stop unless you fucking collapse".
So that's what I did. My mind just went into overdrive and I got shit done but all the while I was so angry. My throat was so dry and sore, my legs and arms were shaking, and I had tunnel vision. When I was alone in the elavator I starter punching myself in the face. Luckily I was pretty warmed up/sweating that the redness from the punches didn't stand out. I felt something in my ear click and my nose started running. There was something about it that made me feel better. I used to cut myself years ago but have never self harmed until now.
Usually at work I stop about 10-15 minutes before I leave to sit and talk with colleagues but I didn't want to be around them. I just GTFO and went home. I was planning on cutting again but I haven't. I couldn't relax or calm down so went for a drive to try calm me down. I'm feeling a bit better now but still shitty. I thought I'd fall asleep by now but haven't. It's 2:18pm so I've been up almost 15 hours. Usually I go to sleep at about 9PM.
I just need to get all this out. I really feel so fucked up. So angry and lost touch of reality. All this is in my head. Like seriously nothing has happened in reality. I haven't said or done anything to anyone. It's all happening because of my fucked up mind. It's like i'm screaming so loud but nobody can hear it so they are just going about their life like normal. I am so torn right now. It's so easy to let this consume me. I could let it and just self harm and maybe even kill myself. I don't know about going back on medicatiom/therapy. I don't know if I can go through all this again.
The last week has been awful. I don't really want to get into what triggered it because I don't wanna feel anymore ashamed or pathetic that I already am. I just feel like I have lost touch of reality because I keep thinking all sorts of ridiculous things that are never gonna happen. So this kinda gets my hopes up and what I was trying to do I didn't find easy at all. Literally almost all week it has been on my mind and I guess I just found it frustrating and exhausting because a part of me knows I'm not being realistic and I am trying to control my thoughts so I can at least try avoid the crash which I know is coming. Some of my thoughts were normal but a lot of it was me putting myself down. For example, not directly related to this, but more and more recently I keep saying stuff to my self like "You're pathetic." "Nobody cares or likes you" "You don't deserve any friends" "You don't need any food because you're just a fat piece of shit" "You're a dick/cunt/asshole". I just keep saying stuff like this to myself all the time and I know it's not healthy.
Well the crash came today and oh wow it has been a nightmare. I woke up at 11:30pm last night and felt fine until I got into work at 6AM. I just got so fucking angry frustrated and pissed off but kept it all inside me. I tried avoiding people and if i spoke to them I'd keep myself calm. I'm not so much of a fucking idiot to lose my job. Anyway i started with all the shit. "What did you expect asshole? I fucking told you this would happen but no you just couldn't fucking listen. You're fucking pathetic you asshole. Get to work fat fuck and don't stop unless you fucking collapse".
So that's what I did. My mind just went into overdrive and I got shit done but all the while I was so angry. My throat was so dry and sore, my legs and arms were shaking, and I had tunnel vision. When I was alone in the elavator I starter punching myself in the face. Luckily I was pretty warmed up/sweating that the redness from the punches didn't stand out. I felt something in my ear click and my nose started running. There was something about it that made me feel better. I used to cut myself years ago but have never self harmed until now.
Usually at work I stop about 10-15 minutes before I leave to sit and talk with colleagues but I didn't want to be around them. I just GTFO and went home. I was planning on cutting again but I haven't. I couldn't relax or calm down so went for a drive to try calm me down. I'm feeling a bit better now but still shitty. I thought I'd fall asleep by now but haven't. It's 2:18pm so I've been up almost 15 hours. Usually I go to sleep at about 9PM.
I just need to get all this out. I really feel so fucked up. So angry and lost touch of reality. All this is in my head. Like seriously nothing has happened in reality. I haven't said or done anything to anyone. It's all happening because of my fucked up mind. It's like i'm screaming so loud but nobody can hear it so they are just going about their life like normal. I am so torn right now. It's so easy to let this consume me. I could let it and just self harm and maybe even kill myself. I don't know about going back on medicatiom/therapy. I don't know if I can go through all this again.
pigeon interrupted
Member
Hang in there and finish your degree if possible. Engineering is a great degree to have (I flunked out of mine but did finish my apprenticeship) and will open so many doors to employment. You will probably get some peace of mind once it's out of the way and then you can have all the breathing space you need.
You know, I was surprised to find my work mates were actually very supportive of my mental health problems. It isn't always a stigma; more people identify with mh problems than you'd think. Good luck with group cbt, I'm sure it'll be beneficial.
Hey, you're in no way pathetic. Leave it up to others to call you names
Seriously, I've been through many of the things you've posted and know what it's like to be stuck on that roller-coaster. As you said, it's all in your head. I have had body image issues, self-harm issues, low self esteem and even the 6am shift. I had the 4am shift just before my breakdown. Honestly, I think maybe you should speak to your doc if the symptoms persist. I've had a relapse recently and had to go back on SSRIs after making my doc get me off them before christmas. I know there are downsides, but it's not forever. And if your finding it hard to find balance in your life then that and therapy has to be better than self-harming. I have light scarring on one side of my arms and a bunch of gnarly scars from my suicide attempts on the other side. To me there is no such thing as T-shirt weather. It's not worth it, babe. Other things I would personally recommend: try to get a good nights sleep and if you work with computers give yourself time away from the screen/internet after work. Get into an exercise routine to aid getting a good nights sleep. I favor outdoor exercise since sunshine can improve your overall mood. Drink plenty of water (2 litres a day is recommend) and have plenty of fruit and veg in your diet. And people come in all shapes and sizes and do just fine, so don't beat yourself up over your weight. Hope you feel better soon.
I've had similar problems with anti-depressents but to a much lesser degree which I posted about a few pages ago. I can only imagine what the effect is like on anti-psychotics. I had a friend who took anti-psychotics and know how essential they are, so I'm glad that the medication is working for you-it's just a shame about the side-effects. There are all manner of people out there so I wouldn't give up on finding a partner. Somebody who has experience with or is understanding of your circumstance. A measure of honesty about your condition would be required, I guess. It depends how pronounced the effect is. Have you spoken to your doc about this? That's a good place to start.
Head of Vengarl
Banned
I'm really worried about my mom and my sister.
My sister was diagnosed with epilepsy about 7 years ago. At first she was able to stay brave and remain positive, especially because my family has access to a very good hospital. Still, she had to be put on a high-dose cocktail of powerful medications, which altered her personality. We pinned all our hopes on a brain surgery that would possibly cure her (or at least help control her seizures), but unfortunately it failed. This was a major turning point for my sister. Since then, she has steadily lost hope and become more and more negative, to the point where she is now a very bitter person, and has developed serious anger issues. For example: Last night she screamed at my mom in public (at a concert), and continued to fly off the handle for several hours to the point where hotel security had to be called on her twice. She is completely unable to control her emotions by herself; she depends on my dad to talk her down every time.
My mom is unable to deal with my sister, even though she tries really hard. For reasons that we haven't totally figured out yet, my sister has a ton of built-up aggression toward my mom, and often focuses her anger on her. This is having a disastrous effect on my mom's mental health, because she feels terrible for my sister and tries her best to help, only to usually end up making things worse (and get verbally abused).
As for me, it's difficult because I'm basically stuck on eggshells. My sister still sees me as her younger brother, but seems to realize on some level that I've matured past her, not to mention I have a career and my own place to live (she lives with my parents). She is very bitter about that. She is extremely touchy and worried about what I think of her, so anything I say has the possibility of setting her off on a depressive episode. So I've gotten used to just biting my tongue around her, even though I really want to step in sometimes when she's acting like a crazy person and/or going off on our mom. I won't lie, I've been unable to keep myself from growing resentful of her, because of the way she treats mom.
Oh yeah, and my grandma has been living with my family for about a year now, and she is mentally ill too (terrible anxiety issues). Her anxiety is so bad that it rubs off on everyone around her, which makes the situation at my parent's house that much worse.
It's really hard watching this happen, because my family was so happy for many years. Now I'm seeing my sister, mom, and grandma deteriorate mentally, and my poor (but incredible) dad has to be the rock that holds everything together. He is a better and stronger man than I will ever be, but even he is showing signs of weariness. He's only human. He is terrified (as am I) of dying right now, because we all know our family will immediately go to shit if he is out of the picture.
So yeah... that's the outline of my family's situation. Just felt like writing about it to hopefully get some of the pressure off my chest.
My sister was diagnosed with epilepsy about 7 years ago. At first she was able to stay brave and remain positive, especially because my family has access to a very good hospital. Still, she had to be put on a high-dose cocktail of powerful medications, which altered her personality. We pinned all our hopes on a brain surgery that would possibly cure her (or at least help control her seizures), but unfortunately it failed. This was a major turning point for my sister. Since then, she has steadily lost hope and become more and more negative, to the point where she is now a very bitter person, and has developed serious anger issues. For example: Last night she screamed at my mom in public (at a concert), and continued to fly off the handle for several hours to the point where hotel security had to be called on her twice. She is completely unable to control her emotions by herself; she depends on my dad to talk her down every time.
My mom is unable to deal with my sister, even though she tries really hard. For reasons that we haven't totally figured out yet, my sister has a ton of built-up aggression toward my mom, and often focuses her anger on her. This is having a disastrous effect on my mom's mental health, because she feels terrible for my sister and tries her best to help, only to usually end up making things worse (and get verbally abused).
As for me, it's difficult because I'm basically stuck on eggshells. My sister still sees me as her younger brother, but seems to realize on some level that I've matured past her, not to mention I have a career and my own place to live (she lives with my parents). She is very bitter about that. She is extremely touchy and worried about what I think of her, so anything I say has the possibility of setting her off on a depressive episode. So I've gotten used to just biting my tongue around her, even though I really want to step in sometimes when she's acting like a crazy person and/or going off on our mom. I won't lie, I've been unable to keep myself from growing resentful of her, because of the way she treats mom.
Oh yeah, and my grandma has been living with my family for about a year now, and she is mentally ill too (terrible anxiety issues). Her anxiety is so bad that it rubs off on everyone around her, which makes the situation at my parent's house that much worse.
It's really hard watching this happen, because my family was so happy for many years. Now I'm seeing my sister, mom, and grandma deteriorate mentally, and my poor (but incredible) dad has to be the rock that holds everything together. He is a better and stronger man than I will ever be, but even he is showing signs of weariness. He's only human. He is terrified (as am I) of dying right now, because we all know our family will immediately go to shit if he is out of the picture.
So yeah... that's the outline of my family's situation. Just felt like writing about it to hopefully get some of the pressure off my chest.
Having a rough go the past couple of weeks. Entering month 7 of unemployment and haven't had luck with job hunting, and medication isn't working. Starting to fall into the trap of using alcohol as a crutch - the distraction and brief break from feeling awful are refreshing enough to get hooked on.
Havent been back at the therapist since before the christmas holidays, I'm not really feeling his particular approach but the thought of starting over with another is making me dread the process of trying to find one and resume treatment.
Havent been back at the therapist since before the christmas holidays, I'm not really feeling his particular approach but the thought of starting over with another is making me dread the process of trying to find one and resume treatment.
I've been on the fence about posting in this thread for about three months but seeing as I'm finally on the waiting list for CBT I figured I would post in this thread. I get incredibly anxious around girls in general and boys in groups due to past experiences, and I have a terrible jealousy complex since I can't stop comparing myself to other people. Also, I'm currently being bullied by the people in my uni apartment and my anxiety flares up so bad because of that that half the time I'm afraid to go in the kitchen to make food in case they're in there. It often takes me until midday to will myself to go and make breakfast and I often don't have dinner until I'm sure that most of them have gone to bed (around midnight). I have no motivation to do anything. I've tried and given up attempting to learn to draw as an escapism thing three times, writing a book, and making games in the past year. This includes my university work, which is why I'm retaking first year, but just like last year I haven't handed in my winter assignments. It's not even a procrastination thing because I can't find the motivation to play video games for long either. I know that the university won't let me retake the year again after this and I also know that at this point I don't even want my degree in this subject, I'm literally just here for the excellent mental health services and my plan is that I can get the ball rolling with CBT and stuff before they kick me out. God knows what I'll do with myself after that because as I found out last summer, if I have a job it's a lot harder to get mental help because they're only open on weekdays and that's when I'd be working. I rarely see friends anymore and I can genuinely go days without talking to a single person face-to-face. I won't lie about not having suicidal thoughts from time to time but my needle phobia prevents me from cutting, so at least there's that.
Hey_Blinkin
Member
I actually called a therapist today and sat up an appointment. Unfortunately when I get nervous my brain turns off so I have to call back tomorrow to find out when the appointment is. I guess getting help at 35 is better than never getting it at all.
I honestly don't know where to begin describing my issues. Apathy, social anxiety, self esteem, lack of ambition, paranoia. I'm probably forgetting something. I guess I'll write it all down because I know my brain is going to shut down during my session.
Oddly enough, as bad as those issues are I just want to learn how to cope with being alone and unwanted more than anything. It's clear at this point that I just make women uncomfortable. Between my looks and awkward demeanor they just get creeped out by me. Any attempt at dialogue at work is met with a quick one word response and then they scuttle away as quickly as possible. Telling myself it's all in my head only worked so long. Every time I think about women and relationships I just get this feeling of a knot in my chest. It's not easy realizing that you're the creepy guy at work.
As pathetic as my life has been at least I had a sort of naive complacency up until recently. Now that the curtain has been pulled back I see nothing but a lonely, underachieving, man-child who wants nothing more than to be wanted.
I honestly don't know where to begin describing my issues. Apathy, social anxiety, self esteem, lack of ambition, paranoia. I'm probably forgetting something. I guess I'll write it all down because I know my brain is going to shut down during my session.
Oddly enough, as bad as those issues are I just want to learn how to cope with being alone and unwanted more than anything. It's clear at this point that I just make women uncomfortable. Between my looks and awkward demeanor they just get creeped out by me. Any attempt at dialogue at work is met with a quick one word response and then they scuttle away as quickly as possible. Telling myself it's all in my head only worked so long. Every time I think about women and relationships I just get this feeling of a knot in my chest. It's not easy realizing that you're the creepy guy at work.
As pathetic as my life has been at least I had a sort of naive complacency up until recently. Now that the curtain has been pulled back I see nothing but a lonely, underachieving, man-child who wants nothing more than to be wanted.
Mastermind Vade
Banned
Same my man. A highschool kid here. Am a loner and want nothing more than to to be loved too
. Feels even worse here seeing all these great kids that are social and will clearly get furhter in life than me that I just start to feel desperate. I let people use me just for the low chance that they actually like me for who I am and same goes with my chance with girls, 0 confidence and self-esteem. Hope all goes well man glAre intrusive thoughts/memories part of depression, more common with it or something like that? And is there anything i can do about them?
One particularly bad one effectively ruined this night, leaving me sorta anxious or something like that (can't think of the English word now).
They're rather common for me anyway, some are very old, and they're never positive.
One particularly bad one effectively ruined this night, leaving me sorta anxious or something like that (can't think of the English word now).
They're rather common for me anyway, some are very old, and they're never positive.
im pretty much like you except i dont want to cope with being alone and unwanted. if my life is to be alone and unwanted then i would rather just die than learn to cope.
Before I got a chronic illness, I never would have conceived of how living without hope of ever getting better can warp your mind and turn you into someone completely different. It's very easy to start to resent the people who take care of you, especially if you want more than anything else to be independent.
My heart goes out to your sister and the people who love her.
I deal with them often. I found that there is nothing I can really do to control it as thoughts tend to just pop into one's head. I try to recognize that it is happening and it seems to pass quicker and easier.
beau_beaumont
Member
Yeah, they are pretty common and I think they are related to anxiety. I used to have a horrible time with intrusive thoughts, and the best thing that helped me was mindfulness. Basically, instead of trying to shut the thoughts out, you acknowledge them, choose to attach no meaning to them, and just be aware of them until they leave. As goofy as it sounds, breathing exercises and light meditation helped me a ton. Most therapist can help you with mindful exercises, and it is worth at least giving it a shot with an open mind. It worked great for me.
beau_beaumont
Member
I totally empathize with your situation. My parents are very devout Mormons, and when my I started struggling with bipolar, they thought I had just strayed from the light. I think stuff like this just comes down to education, and a lot of people lack a basic understanding of what mental illness is.
It took a while, but my parents are a lot more educated now. I found that being frank and open about my daily struggles was a good start. When they understood that it was an illness--and a treatable one at that--as opposed to God's punishment, things got a lot better. I don't want to assume anything about your mother's beliefs, but I think it is fair to say that most Christians don't believe in a God that gives people something like cancer as punishment for falling away. Well, at least for people not named Job
.It also helped when my parents met my psychiatrist, who was also religious. It helped to get them involved in my treatment, both for me and my parents. I really think that openness and honesty are the best place to start, and education for all parties is key.
TangerineCloud
Banned
God, everything's just been so shitty for the past month. I have two hours until my next class. I'm just waiting in my car trying to force myself to cry, but my body won't even grant me that catharsis.
charlie1701
Member
I don't usually post here because I don't feel qualified to give advice, but pamplemousse's last post made me think about my own situation.
I had a breakdown and overdosed when I was 22- anxiety, depression and loneliness all took their toll. Paramedics saved me, but I'll never forget the effect it had on my family.
Now, at 35, depression and anxiety are still part of my life but after lots of CBT and mindfulness therapy I feel like I can live with them. I'm glad my attempt failed. I have a circle of friends I trust (mostly through my local gaming community, where I also met my partner.) So things can get better, even if it is slow and difficult.
If anyone wants to chat games or play some Streetfighter, hit me up.
I had a breakdown and overdosed when I was 22- anxiety, depression and loneliness all took their toll. Paramedics saved me, but I'll never forget the effect it had on my family.
Now, at 35, depression and anxiety are still part of my life but after lots of CBT and mindfulness therapy I feel like I can live with them. I'm glad my attempt failed. I have a circle of friends I trust (mostly through my local gaming community, where I also met my partner.) So things can get better, even if it is slow and difficult.
If anyone wants to chat games or play some Streetfighter, hit me up.
Having a bad day. All this politics about the EPA. The environment is something I care about dearly and if I was working in America I'd have probably just lost my job. Really feeling all kinds of doom at the moment.
Since the election I've somehow put some mental space between myself and that reality but the barriers cracking now and the depression is seeping in.
Since the election I've somehow put some mental space between myself and that reality but the barriers cracking now and the depression is seeping in.
pigeon interrupted
Member
Totally understandable. I care very much, too. We are part of the environment, lol. The fact that it has affected you this much shows you are a decent human being. Don't let it drag you into a depression-put more distance if you can between yourself and the news. Be selfish for a while (like the politicians and a large swathe of the developed world's population, haha) and live in your reality. Then come back refreshed to the fray when and if you're ready. And you're not alone: many posting here are feeling the effects, though they don't say it.
Honestly, there are so many things I've wanted to say about the situation unfolding in America (and the rest of the world) and voice my support for people, but I promised to abstain from political discourse a while ago when it began to affect my mental health. Maybe I'm now part of the 'problem' but if all the negativity engulfing the world engulfs you then it makes it very hard to fight and make an appreciable difference.
I've been an addict around 20 of my 36 years and I think I speak from a place of knowledge when I say we are at the mercy of money addicts. Money over men and women, money over country and money over the God they usually claim to worship. One day we will strive for something better; necessity will see to it. Until that time I suggest you carry on being a decent human being
Thanks, babe
ShadowSwordmaster
Banned
Totally understandable. I care very much, too. We are part of the environment, lol. The fact that it has affected you this much shows you area decent human being. Don't let it drag you into a depression-put more distance if you have between yourself and the news. Be selfish for a while (like the politicians and a large swathe of the developed world's population, haha) and live in your reality. Then come back refreshed to the fray when and if you're ready. And you're not alone: many posting here are feeling the effects, though they don't say it.
Honestly, there are so many things I've wanted to say about the situation unfolding in America (and the rest of the world) and voice my support for people, but I promised to abstain from political discourse a while ago when it began to affect my mental health. Maybe I'm now part of the 'problem' but if all the negativity engulfing the world engulfs you then it makes it very hard to fight and make an appreciable difference.
I've been an addict around 20 of my 36 years and I think I speak from a place of knowledge when I say we are at the mercy of money addicts. Money over men and women, money over country and money over the God they usually clame to worship. One day we will strive for something better; necessity will see to it. Until that time I suggest you carry on being a decent human being
Thank you for posting this.
Totally understandable. I care very much, too. We are part of the environment, lol. The fact that it has affected you this much shows you are a decent human being. Don't let it drag you into a depression-put more distance if you can between yourself and the news. Be selfish for a while (like the politicians and a large swathe of the developed world's population, haha) and live in your reality. Then come back refreshed to the fray when and if you're ready. And you're not alone: many posting here are feeling the effects, though they don't say it.
Honestly, there are so many things I've wanted to say about the situation unfolding in America (and the rest of the world) and voice my support for people, but I promised to abstain from political discourse a while ago when it began to affect my mental health. Maybe I'm now part of the 'problem' but if all the negativity engulfing the world engulfs you then it makes it very hard to fight and make an appreciable difference.
I've been an addict around 20 of my 36 years and I think I speak from a place of knowledge when I say we are at the mercy of money addicts. Money over men and women, money over country and money over the God they usually claim to worship. One day we will strive for something better; necessity will see to it. Until that time I suggest you carry on being a decent human being
Thanks, babe
Thank you. Maybe I should just have a day were I avoid the news, no internet or tv.
Yeah, it's gotten really bad. I'm thinking of taking a break from GAF and FB because I'm just inundated by "end of the world" postings and it's exhausting living life in fear.
chronic_archaic
Member
Less suicidal but I know it's still bothering me. See my therapist today but don't know what to talk about. Gained 20 pounds in about 2 months after not gaining any in the past 5 years, which really has me down. OCD is never going to fuck off.
jacob armitage
Banned
I know exactly how you feel. I think a lot of us do.
I feel weak, pathetic even with how much it's effected me.
I attended my first university workshop of the term yesterday and for whatever reason couldn't concentrate on anything at all, almost started crying over it and just up and left half an hour into a two hour session. Maybe it was nerves or anxiety or lack of motivation, I don't know. I'm certainly not enjoying what I'm doing. I also had a conversation with my mother later that night who basically told me that I cannot drop out again which made me feel even more stressed because as I've already not handed stuff in, it means that I won't be let back in next year anyway. I'm having to lie to her about it and say I have handed it all in on time because I know things will just get worse either way. Better enjoy not having her being angry at me now before I have to admit everything at the end of the university year.
I also had a run in with the bully again in my apartment which wasn't pleasant. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to go to my other workshop this morning and also missed the deadline for getting same-day counselling appointments, so I'll have to try again tomorrow. It looks like this term will go great.
I also had a run in with the bully again in my apartment which wasn't pleasant. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to go to my other workshop this morning and also missed the deadline for getting same-day counselling appointments, so I'll have to try again tomorrow. It looks like this term will go great.
YesManKablaam
Neo Member
Do you mind if I ask what you're studying? Also, the more important thing to address here is where you think this anxiety is stemming from. It's a perfectly normal thing to be scared of failure, but if it is affecting you in such an overwhelming manner it would be beneficial to you to identify any underlying reasons.
Personally, for a long time I've struggled with my own self-worth. I continue to achieve in my life, but there's always this gremlin on my back saying I could have done it better. I manage to hold down a job, but there it is saying that it's not career-worthy, that I'm wasting my youth. Taking time out to work on these issues? Well then I could easily be using this time to practice a hobby and develop skills!
You need to recognise what it is that's truly at the core of why you get so stressed out. Everyone faces adversity in some way, every apartment block is going to have some wanker that tries to ruin your day, every student will have that point where they stress over their degree. You need to assess why it overwhelms you, and address that. For me talking to people has been helpful, as I need to vocalise my insecurities otherwise I continue to dwell on them and they fester. Talking doesn't immediately right them, in fact I'm still talking on a daily basis about my breakup many months after it occurred, but the act of doing so keeps me from internalising it and leading towards anxiety, panic and terror.
Talk to someone. If you feel you don't have people in your life that you can open up to, take a chance with GAF. Post openly here, or create an account on another forum and voice your thoughts there. If you want you could even meesage a total stranger like myself, I'd be open to listen to you. I do believe it's one of the first steps; be honest with yourself and other people, and try and get to the root of it.
Do you have any recreational pastimes you can do to unwind?
But like we can't give up. And there's no shame in being hurt by it, just shows we have empathy for others.
But as British person I just feel very powerless
I'm studying programming for games. I had no clue what to do leaving Sixth Form so I just decided to do at university what I wanted to do when I was about eight, with no prior programming experience, which hasn't worked out well. The anxiety probably comes from me not being confident in anything I do. I worry about everything too much and I've had multiple people say that I'm pretty paranoid about stuff. I had a bad time in primary school and high school in regards to bullying and my father's behaviour towards me didn't help matters during that time, and that negatively affected me a lot. I'm also terribly insecure about my looks due to a cleft lip so there's that. I'm constantly worried that people judge me before even talking to me and my high school experiences were pretty much proof of that. Also, the fact that the bullying is still going on by someone I've only known since September (they don't target anyone else in the apartment) despite the fact that I'm turning 20 in March proves it to be true as well.
I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about absolutely anything with and I'm worried that I'd just come off as whiny if I suddenly started moaning about my life story the second I meet new people. I have a subconscious tendency to do that, unfortunately. I only have two friends at university and I'm drifting apart from them because it seems like I have less and less in common with them as time goes on. They're really into anime and FPS games and that sort of stuff, and I'm not into anime at all and I get motion sick while playing FPS games for too long so we don't game together anymore, and I can't join in with their conversations as a result. The last time we met up was way before Christmas. I've got online friends, but it's not really the same. It's kind of sad that I spend way more time talking to online friends than I do talking to people face-to-face. I don't agree with them on a few things and they're not the sort of people I want to offload everything onto anyway because if I end up alienating them I'll be left with no-one to talk to at all.
The only recreational pastime I really do is playing video games but I'm not really motivated to do that most of the time. I don't leave my room and don't go out unless I absolutely have to for reasons like doing food shopping, etc. I used to worldbuild online with other people literally 24/7 as an escape from the bullying in high school, and I kept it up every day (even over Christmas and when I was on holiday abroad) for four years. We had our own universe, a language and everything. However, I got too close to one of the people I did that with. We had a lot in common (writing, depression etc) and we eventually started talking to each other every day outside of the worldbuilding forum. She became the one person that I could talk to about anything and she'd listen. We were pretty much best friends. Only then, as I said, I got too close to her and was on the fence about telling her I loved her for about six months, and then when I finally did, it blew up in my face spectacularly. She rejected me, and she later found out she was a lesbian anyway, and the whole ordeal following the rejection made her depression infinitely worse and is the reason I started having counselling in the first place. It pretty much put me in a seven month mental coma during which I flat-out stopped going to lectures, dropped out of university, and subsequently fell out with every family member I lived with. We had to abandon the worldbuilding thing after years of working on it and neither of us have it in us to continue it, and I can't just start something like that on a different site or something all over again. I have yet to find something recreational-pastime-wise to fill the void. That happened nearly exactly a year ago (Early February 2016) and was my first experience with love and the closest I've ever been to being in a relationship and since I don't go out and have severe anxiety problems I doubt I'll get another chance for a long while.
I think that's part of the reason why I couldn't concentrate in my workshop yesterday, since I'm redoing everything from last year it was the exact same workshop I started skipping after the above thing happened. I hadn't thought about it in months but I guess subconscious association is a powerful thing.
I was never really enthusiastic about my course as it was and I don't enjoy it. I only decided to redo the year because I had no idea what else to do and it would give me another year to delay having to face the outside world while simultaneously stopping my mother from telling me to get a job. I saw a guy who was a few months older than me who was the moderator of some subreddit who coded and that made me jealous and may have also factored into why I initially came back. I think it was a knee-jerk reaction. I actively avoid playing certain indie games and fangames/reading certain webcomics/listening to certain music/other stuff like that if they're made by a young person by themselves because my jealousy complex is so severe. I found out that one of the guys I talk to online is 16, can code really well and as a result has made £30k off of hosting Roblox servers or something and I nearly didn't come back to university after finding that out because it made me feel so bad about myself. I physically cannot stop comparing myself to other people.
Also, I can't bring myself to watch/play certain things for other reasons, too. Like how I don't play Binding of Isaac or Fallout 4 because a former friend-turned-white-supremacist played them a lot, and I can't watch Game of Thrones because it was that girl's favourite show, nor can I watch Django Unchained despite my love of Tarantino films because it was the reason I finally told that girl I loved her (she was German, and had problems at home, and the former friend I mentioned earlier in this paragraph was named Stephen like the villain in the film, and after I saw it for the first time I took it as a sign). I still cry a bit when I hear the theme song. I should probably get over that.
YesManKablaam
Neo Member
What you say about certain shows/films being difficult to revisit, I know that. You'll find a lot of people have that same kind of relationship with media that is highly tied into someone they were close to but are no longer. I only got int GoT because of my ex, and we even abstained from watching Season 6 until I went out to visit her and we could chain it. So, I'm not looking forward to when Season 7 drops.
I'm deeply familiar with everything you're saying, and by hell it reminds me a lot of myself. Negative comparisons are a horrible thing to do as you'll always find someone that appears to have their shit together, or they're better looking than you/more talented/smarter/younger/combinations of all of these. I still do it myself, in fact right now the pervading thought in my mind is of the dudes that my ex knows, how they're musical (I can't play a thing), are in better shape (but I don't actually care about attaining that kind of body), have travelled more (I do enough of it myself) or are younger (you can't set a time limit on these things). It's not helpful, but I know what the general response to having someone tell you that is; I don't know how to stop. And sadly, fucking frustratingly, it's just something you need to figure out in your own way.
I don't want it to look like I'm providing guaranteed advice, as I'm still a big ole' fuckup in my own eyes, but you can take a step back and try some basic things to help yourself out.
The immediate thing I want to say is, you're only 19? Buddy, you have got so many years to change your mind and decide who you want to be, when I've been down my Dad says to me that he still doesn't know what he wants to do in his life, and he's in his 50's. Those people you see that appear to be so much more than you, that only works for them. You can't copy someone else's lifestyle and hope for the same results, you have to try and find what works for you. Some lucky bastards figure that out early on, others take much longer. I'm still a mess in this sense, but recently I've taken a few steps towards doing some fun stuff that I'm really looking forward to, and for the first time since around July last year I really feel like I have something to live for.
I understand how something like a cleft lip can impede your confidence. I can't say I have been affected by anything similar, but I did have confidence issues from a fairly noticable mole on my left cheek and I happened to start secondary school when Austin Powers: Goldmember released and all those fucking mole jokes followed me for what felt like forever. There's nothing wrong with quitting your degree if you truly feel that's what you want to do, but I would advise taking the time to talk to people at your university. I don't know what one you attend but I presume your UK based as you mentioned sixth form, but your university should have services available for you to be able to talk about how you are coping with university life. Take advantage of these services, and I would definitely recommend speaking to your GP and see if there's anything that can be done there.
There are people you can talk to, and I truly believe it's an important step to talk to people. I'm 26 myself, and I often feel jealous of people younger than me that appear to have it all together (that includes my ex) and quite frankly I'm a bit jealous that you've got seven years on me and have reached the point I hit nearer my mid-20's. I'd love if I could have reached those conclusions at that age, but it's not the way it works. It's a positive sign that you can actively recognise and identify traits you feel are negative and want to address, you just need to work on somehow making that next step of dealing with them, and it needs to come from within.
You're 19. You have so much potential you're not even aware of. There are numerous things you could apply yourself to, hobbies to try, interests to explore and more. It's a fucking hard job getting past those deeply rooted insecurities, and they will likely flare up over the years, but you can do it.
I'm deeply familiar with everything you're saying, and by hell it reminds me a lot of myself. Negative comparisons are a horrible thing to do as you'll always find someone that appears to have their shit together, or they're better looking than you/more talented/smarter/younger/combinations of all of these. I still do it myself, in fact right now the pervading thought in my mind is of the dudes that my ex knows, how they're musical (I can't play a thing), are in better shape (but I don't actually care about attaining that kind of body), have travelled more (I do enough of it myself) or are younger (you can't set a time limit on these things). It's not helpful, but I know what the general response to having someone tell you that is; I don't know how to stop. And sadly, fucking frustratingly, it's just something you need to figure out in your own way.
I don't want it to look like I'm providing guaranteed advice, as I'm still a big ole' fuckup in my own eyes, but you can take a step back and try some basic things to help yourself out.
The immediate thing I want to say is, you're only 19? Buddy, you have got so many years to change your mind and decide who you want to be, when I've been down my Dad says to me that he still doesn't know what he wants to do in his life, and he's in his 50's. Those people you see that appear to be so much more than you, that only works for them. You can't copy someone else's lifestyle and hope for the same results, you have to try and find what works for you. Some lucky bastards figure that out early on, others take much longer. I'm still a mess in this sense, but recently I've taken a few steps towards doing some fun stuff that I'm really looking forward to, and for the first time since around July last year I really feel like I have something to live for.
I understand how something like a cleft lip can impede your confidence. I can't say I have been affected by anything similar, but I did have confidence issues from a fairly noticable mole on my left cheek and I happened to start secondary school when Austin Powers: Goldmember released and all those fucking mole jokes followed me for what felt like forever. There's nothing wrong with quitting your degree if you truly feel that's what you want to do, but I would advise taking the time to talk to people at your university. I don't know what one you attend but I presume your UK based as you mentioned sixth form, but your university should have services available for you to be able to talk about how you are coping with university life. Take advantage of these services, and I would definitely recommend speaking to your GP and see if there's anything that can be done there.
There are people you can talk to, and I truly believe it's an important step to talk to people. I'm 26 myself, and I often feel jealous of people younger than me that appear to have it all together (that includes my ex) and quite frankly I'm a bit jealous that you've got seven years on me and have reached the point I hit nearer my mid-20's. I'd love if I could have reached those conclusions at that age, but it's not the way it works. It's a positive sign that you can actively recognise and identify traits you feel are negative and want to address, you just need to work on somehow making that next step of dealing with them, and it needs to come from within.
You're 19. You have so much potential you're not even aware of. There are numerous things you could apply yourself to, hobbies to try, interests to explore and more. It's a fucking hard job getting past those deeply rooted insecurities, and they will likely flare up over the years, but you can do it.
Thanks for the advice. I'm English, yeah. I'll try and talk to the support people at university again tomorrow. I've had conversations with my GP and they pretty much referred me to the support people, so progress is sort of being made there. If I can keep myself motivated for long enough, I might try out trying to learn to draw again or something. I need to do something to make the most of this time I have before the end of the university year when all hell will inevitably break loose again. I had a dark 'plan' that I laid out last year, when I said I'd go to America or somewhere and bum around there until my money ran out and then off myself. I obviously didn't end up doing that but maybe I could do some work there, I don't know. I'd have to get my nose fixed first, though. The one thing laid out that I will definitely do is get my nose fixed and then nuke my Facebook of all the pictures of myself pre-nosejob so I have a blank slate and hopefully less people will judge me. Then I could go abroad without worrying too much about what people think of me based on my looks.
off duty ninja
Member
Sorry, nevermind
I have another psychologist appointment today. Even though I really enjoy my current psychologist I tend to freeze up a bit when attempting to discuss what it is I'd like to share. I jump from one thing to another in rapid succession, and always seem to leave without sharing exactly what it was I wanted in the first place.
Last night I went ahead and took down notes in order of importance that I would like to share with him. I hope today's session goes a lot smoother because of that. Also I am only one more week away from seeing the psychiatrist so I feel the need to share much more information about myself before receiving any medication.
At this point the psychologist has gravitated toward a form of bi-polarity, but I have my concerns about that. I'm just super paranoid of an incorrect diagnosis, and paranoid of the ramifications of taking medication for a mental illness that could be mistaken for another. I just hope the psychiatrist my psychologist is working with will see my situation clearly.
Obviously I need the psychiatrists confirmation as he's the medical doctor, but the notes my psychologist has will make a huge determination on whatever medication I end up receiving. So far I've had 5 total therapy sessions (3 with a former psychologist, will be 3 today with my current one). Previously I've seen one psychiatrist before too.
Here's hoping whatever has me down gets resolved! It's become a bit obsessive for me.
Last night I went ahead and took down notes in order of importance that I would like to share with him. I hope today's session goes a lot smoother because of that. Also I am only one more week away from seeing the psychiatrist so I feel the need to share much more information about myself before receiving any medication.
At this point the psychologist has gravitated toward a form of bi-polarity, but I have my concerns about that. I'm just super paranoid of an incorrect diagnosis, and paranoid of the ramifications of taking medication for a mental illness that could be mistaken for another. I just hope the psychiatrist my psychologist is working with will see my situation clearly.
Obviously I need the psychiatrists confirmation as he's the medical doctor, but the notes my psychologist has will make a huge determination on whatever medication I end up receiving. So far I've had 5 total therapy sessions (3 with a former psychologist, will be 3 today with my current one). Previously I've seen one psychiatrist before too.
Here's hoping whatever has me down gets resolved! It's become a bit obsessive for me.
Hey_Blinkin
Member
So at 35 I finally built up the courage to set up an appointment with a therapist but I guess it fell through. I was so nervous setting up the appointment that my mind shut down and I missed the part of exactly when the appointment was. I'm pretty sure it was today. I called yesterday and again this morning but she never got back with me. I guess I'll go down the list to the next one and try all over again.
I have all the symptoms of Aspergers. I know I shouldn't self diagnose with information off the internet, but reading articles on it describe me perfectly. I've been reading a few posts from people who have been diagnosed on websites and it's scary how much I can relate. I've even taken a couple online tests both scores have been congruent with someone who has Aspergers.
I really hope a therapist can help me with my social skills. I honestly don't see myself sticking around if I have no hope of ever being in a relationship.
I have all the symptoms of Aspergers. I know I shouldn't self diagnose with information off the internet, but reading articles on it describe me perfectly. I've been reading a few posts from people who have been diagnosed on websites and it's scary how much I can relate. I've even taken a couple online tests both scores have been congruent with someone who has Aspergers.
I really hope a therapist can help me with my social skills. I honestly don't see myself sticking around if I have no hope of ever being in a relationship.
half a moon
Banned
Court went well. Case dismissed. Being in jail for two nights was not fun.
My medication seems to be doing well.
My medication seems to be doing well.
The important part is that you tried to set up an appointment.
Next time you attempt to set up an appointment it'll be easier since you've already tried before, trust me. It took me a few attempts to schedule my first real appointment with a psychologist. I was a wreck attempting to just call them.
You've made the first move, now follow through and get the help you deserve!
I can very much sympathize with your background. I have exactly 0% confidence in everything I do too. I know I can do things, but the anxiety I have building up to starting something is infinitely excruciating. I also was bullied in grade school & middle school. Also bullied a bit by my father & brother growing up which really has not helped my self-esteem out. Im so sorry to hear you are still being bullied now, but are you certain this person is bullying you? Just because I also have some paranoia when it comes to interacting with people as well. I often perceive slights when the person has actually done no such thing. I basically expect the worst out of people all the time due to the bullying I experienced and also a traumatic childhood event.
I understand your thoughts about loneliness and drifting away from friends too. I had a tight close knit relationship with an ex-wife that lasted for 8+ years and crumbled in the span of moments three years ago. I lost her as my best friend, and I drifted away from friends I was close to since high school. I have two friends right now who I dont see often, but when I do see them I try to make the most out of our time together. Youre young (Im 24) so keep putting yourself out there and keep trying to meet that friend that will gel with your personality. Its never too late to put yourself out there through college clubs, online meetup groups, or even volunteer work.
Its alright to fail in relationships, even fail spectacularly. We cannot learn unless we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, get heartbroken, and allow ourselves to slowly get back up. I sympathize again with your relationship here to this person, as I truly understand what it means to lose someone who you give everything to. But for every person that you give your all to, there is always someone else out there that can be equally great or even better. I know right now that probably seems impossible but keep working on yourself and that person you want to meet will be found. In terms of finding a new hobby or way to occupy your time just experiment! I used to be into video games a lot too, but Ive found that theyve lost their muster for me too. I started self-learning piano but I started after a lot of trial and error with other things. I tried guitar, tried painting, tried a number of things. You wont know until you try, as fruitless as some ideas may seem sometimes.
If you find that you cannot stop comparing yourself to others definitely bring this up in therapy sessions if you are seeing a therapist, or schedule an appointment with one. Jealousy and constant comparison to others will only bring you unnecessary harm. You are your own person, different from everyone and youre on your own track. Whether you discover your strengths at 20 or 25 you have plenty of time to carve a place for yourself in the world. Just because others have had it easier or have done it faster than you does not mean you can never equal them or even surpass them one day. But you have to get yourself mentally fit before you should start focusing on those kinds of lofty tasks.
Its totally normal to have those emotional reactions to mediums of entertainment that you valued or held in common with those that you loved. For my ex-wife and I it was The Simpsons, Rick & Morty, Breaking Bad, etc etc. For a long while I could not watch any of those shows but lately Ive been able to rediscover that I dont need anyone else to enjoy them. Of course appreciating entertainment with someone you care about makes that experience even more special but you can reclaim them for yourself, just give it time. I was watching a Simpsons episode yesterday that I could vividly remember watching with my ex-wife but you know what? I laughed my ass off at that episode, and I was able to appreciate it on its own merits by myself. That doesnt mean I have to forget the joy it brought to us both before and if anything it makes that show (and episode) more special because of it.
Good luck with your journey and stay persistent in getting the help you want and in living the kind of life you want.
Can you be my therapist?
pigeon interrupted
Member
I can understand your hesitation concerning diagnosis. And yeah, writing a list of points is the best idea if you're like me. My mind goes blank in front of doctors or mental health professionals-I'll remember my first point but then I'll start jabbering, veering of topic and then feel flustered about the whole thing, lol. Now, I always take a list-with bullet points and everything. Hope it works out for you.
I looked O_O
You'll get there, H_B. I'm 36 and funnily enough (or not), over christmas (while very depressed) I decided to take an online autism test for the same reasons as you and came up on the spectrum congruent with aspergers. While getting my anti-depressents from the doctors, I thought 'Why not mention it?' The doctor ran through a similar test and I came up on the spectrum again. So she referred me to a specialist.
Walking home I remembered something very bad-I am on referal to a Gender Identity Clinic and I have to have a clean bill of mental health otherwise they stop my treatment. I almost didn't get the referal after my suicide attempts and initially I had to pass a very impersonal physiciatric evaluation
I had a full on meltdown, crying, wailing, feelings of impending doom because I thought I would be taken off the list. How could I have been so stupid? My honesty has f'd me up, etc. I booked another appointment with my doc to beg her to cancel the autism referal and up until the appointment came around I was manic. Anyway, my doctor told me that a diagnosis of autism wouldn't make me any less mentally capable in the eyes of the NHS and to not worry. But I told her to cancel it anyway coz paranoid, haha.Anyway, my point is to not worry about being diagnosed as being on the spectrum. Be honest with your therapist and get the help you need. I have to wander around with 'Do I have aspergers?' bouncing around my brain
oh my god another year, another round of #BellLetsTalk bullshit
my twitter feed fills up with happy, beautiful people in relationships telling me that it's OKAY to talk about mental health issues!
yeah bro, it's so easy! in fact, I saw a dude talk about #bellletstalk yesterday that LITERALLY gave me the "I know nothing about depression" 101 treatment a few months ago, which went a bit like this:
1. "bro, just get over it"
2. "bro, stop being a bitch"
3. "you need some pussy, bro. get tinder"
unless you're a cognitive behavioral therapist i don't want to see you using that fucking bullshit hashtag
rant. over.
my twitter feed fills up with happy, beautiful people in relationships telling me that it's OKAY to talk about mental health issues!
yeah bro, it's so easy! in fact, I saw a dude talk about #bellletstalk yesterday that LITERALLY gave me the "I know nothing about depression" 101 treatment a few months ago, which went a bit like this:
1. "bro, just get over it"
2. "bro, stop being a bitch"
3. "you need some pussy, bro. get tinder"
unless you're a cognitive behavioral therapist i don't want to see you using that fucking bullshit hashtag
rant. over.
YesManKablaam
Neo Member
Maaaaaaaaaan, that shit is frustrating. All too often you see it spouted by people that can and have treated others like total shit in the past (and possibly still do). A little over a year ago I was living with my girlfriend when all her flatmates turned against me for reasons we never figured out, and they wanted me to move out ASAP. One in particular was incredibly scheming, despite the fact that I rarely saw or spoke to her (worked full-time) she had somehow created this scenario where I was intruding on her space, and that she felt unsafe, which largely led to her boyfriend getting agitated and near-violent with me. Our theory was that they fed off each other; she liked playing the victim and having her boyfriend defend her, and he was a wannabe alpha male who had to assert his masculinity. Perfect storm.
Of course, she was a psychology student. And in the months afterwards I saw her posting all that inspirational bullshit about "being the best version of yourself" and "helping those that struggle to help themselves". Unfortunately you do get some people that cannot see the hypocrisy, they're only caring when it suits them and the problems aren't as complex as mental illness tends to be.
Of course, she was a psychology student. And in the months afterwards I saw her posting all that inspirational bullshit about "being the best version of yourself" and "helping those that struggle to help themselves". Unfortunately you do get some people that cannot see the hypocrisy, they're only caring when it suits them and the problems aren't as complex as mental illness tends to be.
Thank you. This person's definitely bullying me because the first thing they did when I moved in was make fun of my speech impediment. I went to a counselling drop-in session today and I have another one scheduled for next Wednesday so I'll try to remember to bring up all the stuff I need to then. I'm happy to hear that you managed to overcome some of the things you mentioned, and I wish you good luck in the future too.
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