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[Menthuss]

Hey everyone. I'm 24 years old and I'm very overweight. I weighed in today at 408 pounds. While extremely high, I started the year at 444 pounds. So I am making some progress, and my goal for the year is to lose 100 pounds. I've got until the end of June to lose 14 pounds to be on pace, and I think I'll definitely get there. I'm dieting and recently started incorporating some light exercise as the weather is finally nice enough. I'm working on it and feel good about it.

But man... I'm just feeling down. In October, my dad passed away due to cancer. Our relationship was always rocky, but it really hit me hard. Besides seeing my dad actually die (I was at the hospital holding his hand when he passed), he left behind my little sister, only 16 years old. One of the last things that my dad told me before going into the hospital was to take care of her and my mom. It's been seven months now, and man, it's been a rough go.

My life shook to its core because of my dad passing. For one, I had to drop out of school. I was one semester away from completing my masters and teacher certification tests, but I had to take care of him. My mom had to work to support us, and my dad needed to be wheelchaired to various doctors every day. I was supposed to be student teaching full time (8AM-3PM) M-F, as well as taking two other courses - there was no way I could do it, so it had to be put on hold. I'm still not back in school, because student teaching is only offered in the Fall semester at my University. So since he's passed, I've just been waiting, substitute teaching and helping my mom in every way I can.

But I've been feeling really low lately. I know I did the right thing, but I feel like life is passing me by. All of my friends are moving out and/or moving away. This past two weeks, I've found out three of my better friends are moving to China, North Carolina and New York City to take new jobs. My two other friends moved to a nearby city and are living together. Combine that with everyone else who has moved away, and... well, I'm kind of alone. I don't really have any friends that I see in my hometown anymore.

I'm just really down and I want to do cool, adventurous things too. But I don't see myself moving out or moving away any time soon. I feel like I need to stay here and help my mom until at least my sister is in college (two more years of high school).

I dunno, just needed to vent without making anyone feel bad.

I'm sorry for your loss. FWIW, I think you're in a pretty unique situation as not many people have had to give up their education in order to care for a sick family member. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, just post here or shoot me a PM. We're all here to help each other out.
Also, good job on your weight loss! Settings goals like that and fulfilling them is one of the best ways to counter negative moods.

 

[megatronium]

Have had five interviews for my dream job. Yesterday, after final interview with the VP,the recruiter called me a couple hours later and said "No more interviews! We're gonna continue with your candidacy. I'll have your offer letter ready tomorrow. Your tentative start date is May 22nd. The next step is the background check. It should take about 5 days. Your manager is over-the-moon thrilled! Time to celebrate!"

What was adulation turned to worry. The background check. Ugh. I haven't been shy about my past here on GAF. In fact I had a pretty epic thread in October 2015 discussing my past. (alcoholism, prison, etc.) That was before I paid my debt to society. I came home in Feb. of this year.

Now I'm worried the background check will derail what is an awesome opportunity. When I filled out the background check, the only services listed were "Education Verification - lvl1 and Employment Verification - lvl1".

It seems they will be doing the criminal background check. When they call with the offer today, I'm going to talk to them about it. Depressing - It's the opportunity of a lifetime.

I sent the hiring manager who really likes me an email saying I need to talk to her. No reply yet. I don't want her to get embarrassed. This is becoming overwhelming.

 

[Zeyphersan]

Had a good friend say they were worried about me and were there for me and that I could talk to them about what I was going through and what I was feeling. So I did. I told them what I had been feeling and was feeling at that moment, being super vulnerable and emphasized how vulnerable I was being by telling them in the first place.

No response. Absolutely nothing. Like I get it, they're my friend not my therapist, so I shouldn't have put that on them. But I was hoping for some kind of response, literally anything.

And now I've learned my lesson to not tell people in my life how I'm feeling. It never turns out well, it only makes things worse and makes me more isolated. That's the sickening part. You try and reach out to people who have explicitly asked you to, and it makes things worse. So I'm not going to do it anymore.

 

[Menthuss]

Had a good friend say they were worried about me and were there for me and that I could talk to them about what I was going through and what I was feeling. So I did. I told them what I had been feeling and was feeling at that moment, being super vulnerable and emphasized how vulnerable I was being by telling them in the first place.

No response. Absolutely nothing. Like I get it, they're my friend not my therapist, so I shouldn't have put that on them. But I was hoping for some kind of response, literally anything.

And now I've learned my lesson to not tell people in my life how I'm feeling. It never turns out well, it only makes things worse and makes me more isolated. That's the sickening part. You try and reach out to people who have explicitly asked you to, and it makes things worse. So I'm not going to do it anymore.

Did you talk to them face-to-face or via text? It's possible they didn't respond because they have no idea what to say.

 

[Zeyphersan]

Did you talk to them face-to-face or via text? It's possible they didn't respond because they have no idea what to say.

It was over text. And yes, I understand it was likely not malicious and because they didn't know what to say. But it also sucks to just open up to someone at their behest when I normally don't do that to get essentially ignored following that

 

[unknownstranger]

There have been a bunch of things lately that have started to make my depression appear again. Tonight I finally snapped and started cutting myself again. The thing that broke me is I'm trying to study for my midterm tomorrow but I'm struggling with something that should be extremely easy. I've stopped going to class recently (it's optional but heavily recommended) because I've felt too embarrassed because I'm the only one constantly asking questions because I'm too stupid to understand anything. Even when I get help there's always something else I'm screwing up. It doesn't help that I absolutely hate the structure of the class. When you turn an assignment in, 3 other people in the class read and critique it before the teacher does. It's bad enough having one person telling me I'm doing something wrong, but having 3 others do it as well just kills my self-esteem.

The class should be extremely easy (Intro to Programming) but I reached the point where I'm afraid to ask for help or even show up. When I take my midterm (I have to go there for it), I'm going to feel like typing "I'm a failure" underneath my code 100 times.

 

[Via Purifico]

"You're not trash"
*distances themselves from me"

Actions sure tells me differently.

And someone who said they were here for me and can hang out aren't responding to my messages so yeah.

 

[Trance]

There have been a bunch of things lately that have started to make my depression appear again. Tonight I finally snapped and started cutting myself again. The thing that broke me is I'm trying to study for my midterm tomorrow but I'm struggling with something that should be extremely easy. I've stopped going to class recently (it's optional but heavily recommended) because I've felt too embarrassed because I'm the only one constantly asking questions because I'm too stupid to understand anything. Even when I get help there's always something else I'm screwing up. It doesn't help that I absolutely hate the structure of the class. When you turn an assignment in, 3 other people in the class read and critique it before the teacher does. It's bad enough having one person telling me I'm doing something wrong, but having 3 others do it as well just kills my self-esteem.

The class should be extremely easy (Intro to Programming) but I reached the point where I'm afraid to ask for help or even show up. When I take my midterm (I have to go there for it), I'm going to feel like typing "I'm a failure" underneath my code 100 times.

I'm sorry I had a bout of self harm unrelated to school, but college did fuck with my panic disorder. I passed out from a panic attack and missed a final and failed the class. Failed/dropped other classes and fucked up my GPA on account of what I later understood to be mental health problems. I still managed to graduate and find a good job, though. Somehow my mental health has gotten worse but the greater acceptance of mental illness being legitimate makes me feel like less of a failure than before. I hope you can take this as some semblance of hope.

That 3-person-critique sounds like the worst.

 

[Genghis Khan]

I'm sorry for your loss. FWIW, I think you're in a pretty unique situation as not many people have had to give up their education in order to care for a sick family member. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, just post here or shoot me a PM. We're all here to help each other out.
Also, good job on your weight loss! Settings goals like that and fulfilling them is one of the best ways to counter negative moods.

I really appreciated the response, thanks a lot for listening

 

[Rainy]

Today's my birthday and it's fucking sucked haha. I'm so lonely.

 

[Magwik]

Have debt collectors calling my ass every day.
Constantly checking Indeed and job boards for opportunities.
Already sold a bunch of shit.
But nope, things only get worse.
Simple coolant leak in my car has now turned into possibly wasting $800 on rebuilding the head gasket when the entire engine might need to be replaced.

How the fuck do people manage stress like this

 

[Megalosaro]

Today's my birthday and it's fucking sucked haha. I'm so lonely.

Happy birthday! Sorry to hear it was bad though

 

[Grakl]

I get mad so easily since like late last year and hate myself nonstop fucking uggh. Sleeping sucks because I have to think before sleeping, so I just try to watch something and pass out lol

Don't want to visit mental health professionals at school because they're awful, so I deal and am bad at it, rip. Don't want to talk to anyone about it either cuz I'm stupid. I know I should but it's too difficult and I don't want to burden other people

 

[redlegs87]

I thought having actual friends for once would make things easier. While at times they do but others it just causes more stress trying to navigate said friendships. For the record I am much happier having friends now and dealing with any stress from that I'll gladly take.

 

[Astral Dog]

Had a good friend say they were worried about me and were there for me and that I could talk to them about what I was going through and what I was feeling. So I did. I told them what I had been feeling and was feeling at that moment, being super vulnerable and emphasized how vulnerable I was being by telling them in the first place.

No response. Absolutely nothing. Like I get it, they're my friend not my therapist, so I shouldn't have put that on them. But I was hoping for some kind of response, literally anything.

And now I've learned my lesson to not tell people in my life how I'm feeling. It never turns out well, it only makes things worse and makes me more isolated. That's the sickening part. You try and reach out to people who have explicitly asked you to, and it makes things worse. So I'm not going to do it anymore.

Most people suck at handling these situations so don't feel bad.not all though you have the chance to find wonderful people that will lksten to you and know what to say from time to time.

Im learning that while its difficult to talk about these things you can process them into digestible bits and see how they respond.you will need a big emotional support though and most people can't be that.

Besides the obvious teraphist and one friend GAF helps so much and its very interesting to learn about other experiences

 

[Menthuss]

Went to a lecture from a man who talked about how he lost a large chunk of his life to drugs. Was very interesting and I felt like I really understood him when he talked about how alone he was during that period.
Talking to some of the other people there though made me realize once again that there's a disconnect between me and other people around my age. The whole time I was there, I felt like some sort of alien.

Even though I'm slowly starting to accept the mistakes I made, I'm still having difficulty with coming to terms with the fact that I wasted the most important years of my youth. I feel like this is going to keep haunting me for years.

 

[Dawg]

Right now, I feel empty. It's like I'm in some kind of grey area. The anxiety and depression aren't as bad as when this week started, but the thoughts are still there and I just feel different in general. It's hard to explain but all I know is that I'm not feeling right.

And because I'm not feeling right, I do nothing all day when I'm not working. It's weird. I just browse the internet all day to make time pass.

I keep overthinking everything. It's slowly ruining me. But I can't stop it. It's like I am hyperaware of everything. It's not something I have control over. I've always been like this. Even when I'm doing better, I'm still overthinking and hyperaware about things most people probably never worry about. It feeds both my anxiety and negative thinking.

I often wonder why I am like this. I wish I was just normal. It's all I want. Life can be great. I've met some cool people and there is so much left for me to discover still... but my mind won't let me. And every time I fall into one of my darker periods, I lose what little of my hope I still have.

If I had to describe my state of mind right now, I'd say I want to die... even if what I really want is to live.

 

[Menthuss]

Right now, I feel empty. It's like I'm in some kind of grey area. The anxiety and depression aren't as bad as when this week started, but the thoughts are still there and I just feel different in general. It's hard to explain but all I know is that I'm not feeling right.

And because I'm not feeling right, I do nothing all day when I'm not working. It's weird. I just browse the internet all day to make time pass.

I keep overthinking everything. It's slowly ruining me. But I can't stop it. It's like I am hyperaware of everything. It's not something I have control over. I've always been like this. Even when I'm doing better, I'm still overthinking and hyperaware about things most people probably never worry about. It feeds both my anxiety and negative thinking.

I often wonder why I am like this. I wish I was just normal. It's all I want. Life can be great. I've met some cool people and there is so much left for me to discover still... but my mind won't let me. And every time I fall into one of my darker periods, I lose what little of my hope I still have.

If I had to describe my state of mind right now, I'd say I want to die... even if what I really want is to live.

Did you feel like this even before the day that you forgot to take your meds?

 

[jsnepo]

Anyone else gets the feeling that they're so close to dying? I mean not in a suicidal way but it's something you just feel. I doubt it's anxiety since I'm not really afraid nor looking forward to it. It's just there. The feeling that my end is near is just there.

 

[neojubei]

Anyone else gets the feeling that they're so close to dying? I mean not in a suicidal way but it's something you just feel. I doubt it's anxiety since I'm not really afraid nor looking forward to it. It's just there. The feeling that my end is near is just there.

I feel the same way. Last night i slept with a knife in my bed. I did put it there with the intention of using it or maybe hopefully something will happen while i slept, but unfortunately my body just slept on the other side of it, which is unusual since i tend to move a lot in my sleep. Monday i go back to work walking on the treadmill of life, walking and going no where. Least in death life can move on after im gone.

 

[Dawg]

Did you feel like this even before the day that you forgot to take your meds?

I think so, yes. But it's been a long while. I've been feeling great for months. I had my bad days every now and them but nothing close to how I am feeling right now. It's like all my old thoughts returned and I'm thinking of everything combined.

 

[kiyomi]

Anyone else gets the feeling that they're so close to dying? I mean not in a suicidal way but it's something you just feel. I doubt it's anxiety since I'm not really afraid nor looking forward to it. It's just there. The feeling that my end is near is just there.

I get a similar feeling but it comes from an attitude of fighting a losing battle against the looming threat that is suicide. I've almost accepted that it's a matter of when, and not if. The idea of it has become so normalised in my head that nothing about it seems irrational or unconsidered, and it doesn't scare me as much as it does just seem like an inevitable outcome. I just don't see a future for myself that results in anything but death by my own hand.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

I don't know what to do anymore.

I have no faith in anything but God.

I'm miserable.

my book will fail and then i will probably disappear.

 

[Menthuss]

I think so, yes. But it's been a long while. I've been feeling great for months. I had my bad days every now and them but nothing close to how I am feeling right now. It's like all my old thoughts returned and I'm thinking of everything combined.

Have you tried seeing a doctor/psychiatrist yet? I believe the negative moods you're currently suffering from is caused by that one time you didn't take your meds, resulting in a chemical imbalance in your brain. However, I only have anecdotal evidence to support this and I'm by no means an expert so you should probably get a checkup at a medical professional if you want full clarity(assuming you haven't already done this).

 

[Goldboy]

Why the hell is therapy so expensive? I really need a therapist but the only one in my area that I'm interested in charges $130 a session. I mean, maybe I can afford that, but I'm not sure I can fit spending $130 on someone to talk to for an hour into my budget. Sorry to bring such a negative post into this thread, I'm just frustrated since it feels like my mental health is slipping but I can't really do anything about it atm.

 

[BeautifulMemory]

Why the hell is therapy so expensive? I really need a therapist but the only one in my area that I'm interested in charges $130 a session. I mean, maybe I can afford that, but I'm not sure I can fit spending $130 on someone to talk to for an hour into my budget. Sorry to bring such a negative post into this thread, I'm just frustrated since it feels like my mental health is slipping but I can't really do anything about it atm.

Do you have insurance? It's much more affordable if you go through your insurance, usually with low co-pays. Or, find out the therapists or clinics who do sliding scale. Usually if cost is an issue then you start looking at community clinics. Not sure where to start? Try 211.

The therapists charging $130 an hour are usually in private practice. Also, if you don't have a preference, look for people with masters degree - people with PhDs, PsyDs, MDs, typically charge higher.

 

[Goldboy]

Do you have insurance? It's much more affordable if you go through your insurance, usually with low co-pays. Or, find out the therapists or clinics who do sliding scale. Usually if cost is an issue then you start looking at community clinics. Not sure where to start? Try 211.

The therapists charging $130 an hour are usually in private practice. Also, if you don't have a preference, look for people with masters degree - people with PhDs, PsyDs, MDs, typically charge higher.

Thanks for the info--I've never had a therapist before and wasn't really sure where to look/what to look for.

 

[BeautifulMemory]

Thanks for the info--I've never had a therapist before and wasn't really sure where to look/what to look for.

Generally speaking, you can go through your insurance, referral from PCP, call your county mental health system (usually plagued with long wait time). Private therapists​ can be found via word of mouth (who do your friend or teaches or doctors recommend) or psychology today.

Basically, there should be options even though cost can be an issue

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

I saw a therapist five times a few months back and she was convinced I suffer from severe depression. My general practitioner agrees, from the very limited time we've spent together. I've been on a generic Zoloft called Setraline for 7 weeks now. One month at 50 mg, two weeks at 75mg, and now I'm in the middle of two weeks at 100mg. I think it may be helping my anxiety but my depression and apathy seem the same. I have to see my doctor this week to report on how it's working. I'm assuming she's going to want to switch medications. I wasn't expecting miracles but I was expecting more than this.

I'm really starting to wonder where my mental issues and depression end, and my laziness begins. Or vise versa. I've been pampered most of my life and have had no real responsibility. Now in my mid thirties, I'm realizing I'm a manchild with no real life experiences. I've never even been in a relationship. That's become my focus, and is really all I think about any more. I tell myself I want that a girlfriend more than anything. Meanwhile there are three unanswered messages on a dating website from the last week and I haven't responded to any of them. I signed up for several similar sites 9 months ago and have sent a total of about ten messages. Meanwhile I have spent the same 9 months obsessing about wanting a relationship. If I want it so bad why haven't I put forth the effort? I wish I knew. It's almost like I just want it to land in my lap. But I'm an unattractive, unmotivated, and unsuccessful guy so that's not going to happen.

I guess I've been hoping antidepressants would "fix" me and give me some motivation to achieve the things I think I want. But maybe my doctor and therapist are wrong and this is just the way I am and always will be.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

I just want to be happy.

I'm tearing myself and my family apart.

everything is falling apart.

my whole life has been constant stress and falling apart and goddamnit.

what about everyone else? goddamnit what about them? You don't give a shit about me God but what about them?

 

[TheContact]

My brother almost killed himself bc he blew all his money in CA and couldn't get up to go to his job and wasn't making money off his music. He's 34 and has to fly back to the east coast to live with our parents. Then his 21 yr old girlfriend broke up with him a couple days after he moved back. He was given 28k when he was in CA and quit his job at guitar center and tried to be a real estate agent. He blew through the 28k in a couple months on weed and living expenses. My parents couldn't support him anymore. His ex gf called the cops on him and they took him away to a hospital for a day or so. He's getting better and found a job here at guitar center but I've been trying to see him for a couple weeks and every time I go he's either sleeping or smoking weed and whenever I go to see him I have my kids with me and don't want them anywhere near that shit (they're 1 and 3). I'm trying to get him to cut down a lot (he smokes 24/7 literally). I actually think it's contributing to his depression. He's had mental health issues as far as I can remember but I'm not sure how to help him

 

[Megalosaro]

I feel sick.

 

[TangerineCloud]

I feel sick.

Your "best friend" is trash.

 

[Menthuss]

I feel sick.

What the fuck. Is this the same dude that talked shit to you the other day?
Trust me, you're better off without scum like that. Whatever he told you (or you told yourself), that guy was NOT your friend.

If you feel like talking btw, just send me a PM.

 

[Yado]

Mega don't invest time or energy into people who don't make you feel good about yourself. Most of us can relate to being pretty critical of ourselves as it is, don't allow someone else to pile more bullshit on top of that.

 

[brianjones]

http://i.imgur.com/xvX8yQb.jpg[img]

I feel sick.[/QUOTE]

[IMG]https://media3.giphy.com/media/qEBlgZpZWHihO/giphy.gif

 

[Via Purifico]

That read like some note from a edgy teen, how old is this loser?. He sounds mentally stunted don't even bother with people like that.

It's his loss not yours.

 

[Megalosaro]

That read like some note from a edgy teen, how old is this loser?. He sounds mentally stunted don't even bother with people like that.

It's his loss not yours.

He just turned 30.

 

[Via Purifico]

He just turned 30.

Yikes. Yeah ditch him and that group you're better than these people and deserve better.

 

[Megalosaro]

Yikes. Yeah ditch him and that group you're better than these people and deserve better.

That group he was referring to... I already have. I only keep in contact with two other people from there, the ones that aren't douche fucks.

 

[jb1234]

He sounds like a pretentious fuck. The texts are almost cartoonish (although I don't deny their hurtfulness).

 

[redlegs87]

That's really shitty thing to have happen Mega. Losing someone you thought was a close friend really blows.

I almost went through something like that just a week ago. I had a friend that pretty much ghosted me wouldn't respond to me. Eventually I finally got them to respond and find out it's because all I did was talk about negative stuff and dumped on her like she was my therapist. Things are still rocky we are getting things back to where they were before though.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

I feel sick.

Sounds like when my gaming group decided they were tired of hearing how bad my life was, how bad my problems were, and warned me that if I didn't pull my bootstraps up that all the good heartfelt feelings would turn to apathy. Then they banned me for calling them on their shit.

I told them they were fucking assholes and you don't just embrace apathy for people because their life is too dark for them. Fuck that guy Megalosaro. He doesn't have a soul.

 

[jb1234]

Sounds like when my gaming group decided they were tired of hearing how bad my life was, how bad my problems were, and warned me that if I didn't pull my bootstraps up that all the good heartfelt feelings would turn to apathy. Then they banned me for calling them on their shit.

I told them they were fucking assholes and you don't just loose apathy for people because their life is too dark for them. Fuck that guy Megalosaro. He doesn't have a soul.

Your problems aren't terribly far removed from mine and I've had similar experiences. People are sympathetic up to a point but when they figure out your problems aren't going to go away (are chronic in nature), they lose patience. For the last year or so, I've mostly kept my pain to myself, even as it continues to worsen.

 

[RoyaleDuke]

Your problems aren't terribly far removed from mine and I've had similar experiences. People are sympathetic up to a point but when they figure out your problems aren't going to go away (are chronic in nature), they lose patience. For the last year or so, I've mostly kept my pain to myself, even as it continues to worsen.

Yeah, it's fucking heartbreaking. It makes me not want to get close to anyone because even my own parents are sick of me and my problems.

I honestly believe people just don't have souls anymore.

 

[Megalosaro]

Yeah, it's fucking heartbreaking. It makes me not want to get close to anyone because even my own parents are sick of me and my problems.

I honestly believe people just don't have souls anymore.

You can't give up on people. Yes people can suck. You just have to find people who don't suck.

 

[Mifec]

My dudes is it ok to ask for advice and opinions with how I should be an actual good friend to someone very dear to me that revealed they're dealing with borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. I'm grossly uneducated on both and going on random sites and reading different stuff seems counterproductive so I'd just rather post here and get opinions from you guys.

The thing is I want them to always be able to come to me when they have it bad and I'll help in any possible way I can and they know it but then they think that would make the relationship toxic or that I would want to stop dealing with them which is not the case at all. Not to mention they do tell me what's wrong when I ask and I'm always there, to the point I leave my phone with sound on and wake up every single time I get a msg just to reply and hopefully make their days better.

So basically what I'm asking for is any advice you guys can offer in general that I might miss on my own.

 

[unknownstranger]

My class is making me feel worse and worse. After spending 2 hours trying to do an assignment, I turned in a page that only says "I'm a failure" repeatedly. I also just told my teacher I'm better off going somewhere so I can die alone since I'm too stupid to do anything in life right.

 

[vegohead]

My class is making me feel worse and worse. After spending 2 hours trying to do an assignment, I turned in a page that only says "I'm a failure" repeatedly. I also just told my teacher I'm better off going somewhere so I can die alone since I'm too stupid to do anything in life right.

I don't understand this, why would you tell your teacher your a failure if you want to be alone? Wouldn't that comment incite some sort of response from her which would inhibit your goal?


Do you have anyone you can talk to about the difficulties your having in school?

 

[Zeyphersan]

I just reached out to my insurance for a referral to talk to someone about my depression for the first time ever. It was actually a very powerful podcast that got me to, With Friends Like These.

It was weird to tell a stranger over the phone what I was feeling. I've never told anyone my mental state, save for my ex-girlfriend. I know it's all part of the process, however. Well, I'm assuming anyway. I don't really know the process.