-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
- Thread starter Bagels
- Start date
- Status
BlueSummers
Member
Hey all. Been awhile since I last posted. Been dealing with A LOT of issues in my life but recently I have been doing a lot better. Long story short I was addicted to drugs for the last 5 years and nearly lost everything in my life because of it. I am finally on the road to recovery but it did not come without a price. I was hiding it from loved ones for years and it was so freeing to finally tell people that yes, I am a drug addict. I believe that you cannot fix a problem unless you own it first. I nearly lost my home, my car, my girlfriend, friends, and family but I was able to get some help before I did. What I did lose however is all my money and its so scary to look at your account and just see a big ol' zero.
I am trying to dig myself out of this huge hole I created for myself and It's going to take some time but for all those who are struggling with drugs out there, the first step really is to admit that you have a problem and get professional help. I tried many times to stop on my own and I would go maybe a month and then I would fade right back into bad habits. Drug addiction is one of the worst things in the world and if anyone is going through something similar or just depressed in general, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM. I am more than willing to talk about my situation and how I was able to overcome my addiction. It's sad that even in 2017 there is STILL a stigma around drugs and addiction but I'm glad that it's slowly becoming something that we can discuss openly. I guess all it took was an epidemic and thousands of deaths to get there.
Anyway, I finally feel like there hope in my life and a future for myself and I believe that if I can ( i feel like an extremely weak person) than anyone really can. There are so many people out there who have gone through so much more than myself and have never turned to drugs, or who turned to drugs BECAUSE of such bad trauma, but myself? I just used because it felt good and I self medicated due to depression. PLEASE if anyone is thinking about turning to drugs to make themselves feel better..Don't. In the short term, or while your high everything will seem okay, but it's short lived and once you run out of money and your body needs so much of the drug just to feel normal..it's a long climb out of THAT hole, not just the depression hole. Again, if anyone is going through a similar situation feel free to PM me. We are all human beings and all on this Earth together. Let's help each other the best we can.
I am trying to dig myself out of this huge hole I created for myself and It's going to take some time but for all those who are struggling with drugs out there, the first step really is to admit that you have a problem and get professional help. I tried many times to stop on my own and I would go maybe a month and then I would fade right back into bad habits. Drug addiction is one of the worst things in the world and if anyone is going through something similar or just depressed in general, please don't hesitate to shoot me a PM. I am more than willing to talk about my situation and how I was able to overcome my addiction. It's sad that even in 2017 there is STILL a stigma around drugs and addiction but I'm glad that it's slowly becoming something that we can discuss openly. I guess all it took was an epidemic and thousands of deaths to get there.
Anyway, I finally feel like there hope in my life and a future for myself and I believe that if I can ( i feel like an extremely weak person) than anyone really can. There are so many people out there who have gone through so much more than myself and have never turned to drugs, or who turned to drugs BECAUSE of such bad trauma, but myself? I just used because it felt good and I self medicated due to depression. PLEASE if anyone is thinking about turning to drugs to make themselves feel better..Don't. In the short term, or while your high everything will seem okay, but it's short lived and once you run out of money and your body needs so much of the drug just to feel normal..it's a long climb out of THAT hole, not just the depression hole. Again, if anyone is going through a similar situation feel free to PM me. We are all human beings and all on this Earth together. Let's help each other the best we can.
SlickShoesRUCrazy
Member
Just need to vent a bit. I've never dealt with somebody that had depression.
I am a department head at my office. I have three staff members. One of them started working with me pack in August. She is has been nothing but a positive in my life. Like it has been a very very long time since I met somebody that actually made me want to be a better person.
Then I found out she has depression issues. She has missed work every few months when it hits her. She becomes non-functional and cries. I tell her that she has nothing to worry at work, that I got her covered because she has done the same for me.
She came in to work last wednesday, straight faced, no emotion. I knew things were about to get really bad. I've seen her when her depression hits, but this was different. She missed worked last thursday and friday.
She came to work this passed monday. She was pretty much crying the entire morning and late morning i found her under her desk sobbing. I sat down next to her and held her and told her to go home. That she did not have to be there, that I would get her work done. That she needed to take care of her mental health first. She finally went home.
Supposedly she had sent a snapchat to another female in my office of her in her dark room saying trying not kill myself.
I've text her once a day just to check up on her because I really care for her and just want to make sure she is alright. She contacted me that her doctor is going to put her on leave for two weeks. I worry that she may be a danger to herself, but I am glad that she is seeking help.
Man, i feel so helpless. I just want her to be happy. She has been a shinning light when I am feeling low pushing me to be positive. She has made work bearable.
I hate knowing that she is hurting but there is nothing I can do about it. I really really hope that she finds peace. It's really hard seeing somebody you care about dealing with mental health issues.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I am a department head at my office. I have three staff members. One of them started working with me pack in August. She is has been nothing but a positive in my life. Like it has been a very very long time since I met somebody that actually made me want to be a better person.
Then I found out she has depression issues. She has missed work every few months when it hits her. She becomes non-functional and cries. I tell her that she has nothing to worry at work, that I got her covered because she has done the same for me.
She came in to work last wednesday, straight faced, no emotion. I knew things were about to get really bad. I've seen her when her depression hits, but this was different. She missed worked last thursday and friday.
She came to work this passed monday. She was pretty much crying the entire morning and late morning i found her under her desk sobbing. I sat down next to her and held her and told her to go home. That she did not have to be there, that I would get her work done. That she needed to take care of her mental health first. She finally went home.
Supposedly she had sent a snapchat to another female in my office of her in her dark room saying trying not kill myself.
I've text her once a day just to check up on her because I really care for her and just want to make sure she is alright. She contacted me that her doctor is going to put her on leave for two weeks. I worry that she may be a danger to herself, but I am glad that she is seeking help.
Man, i feel so helpless. I just want her to be happy. She has been a shinning light when I am feeling low pushing me to be positive. She has made work bearable.
I hate knowing that she is hurting but there is nothing I can do about it. I really really hope that she finds peace. It's really hard seeing somebody you care about dealing with mental health issues.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Borderline personality here.
I've gone back to destructive behaviors, wanting to be hated, cutting myself and drinking;
the routine of life plus the constant emptiness, and my inability to meet people I want to spend time with, has made me want to die so badly;
I'm getting too tired to deal with the constant pain of everything being empty, of doing anything and getting no satisfaction;
I don't have any energy to keep dealing with the looks I get, like, even when I just dress the way I want to dress;l ately I've started wearing makeup as I like the way I look with it. Ugh.
I wear a little ashes on my cheek as I think people are watching me die, and I think they do it all the time with so many people, but there's nothing anyone can do, 'cos I need someone who can love me, which, I tried, it went wrong, I won't try again.
I hurt her I think, completely accidentally of course, just by, getting close.
I'm so, so tired of life and it's cost.
I've gone back to destructive behaviors, wanting to be hated, cutting myself and drinking;
the routine of life plus the constant emptiness, and my inability to meet people I want to spend time with, has made me want to die so badly;
I'm getting too tired to deal with the constant pain of everything being empty, of doing anything and getting no satisfaction;
I don't have any energy to keep dealing with the looks I get, like, even when I just dress the way I want to dress;l ately I've started wearing makeup as I like the way I look with it. Ugh.
I wear a little ashes on my cheek as I think people are watching me die, and I think they do it all the time with so many people, but there's nothing anyone can do, 'cos I need someone who can love me, which, I tried, it went wrong, I won't try again.
I hurt her I think, completely accidentally of course, just by, getting close.
I'm so, so tired of life and it's cost.
I was kind of hoping that by facing and understanding my problems, I'd be able to deal with them more easily. I realize that, in order to overcome my social anxiety, I need to get out there and meet people. Problem is that every time I so much as think about doing that my mind almost reflexively conjures up thoughts like it "There's nothing likable about me" and "People are just going to laugh at me". I fucking hate how my brain works.
YunFang1130
Member
Question to all: How do you get over your anxiety when it comes to you wanting to meet people? I can go to the grocery store, the mall, and whatnot, but usually, there's always someone with me. If you're asking, I wasn't like this when I was younger. But ever since I had graduated from high school (about 8 years ago), I've been home-bound to help my family save money, and sort of lost touch with society. I want to change. But, when I think about the idea of ”starting over" and being on my own; it makes me nervous to a point where I feel sick. And where I say to myself that I wouldn't be able to do it.
I just want to be normal like everyone else. I want to be happy. I want to meet people, and move out because I just can't take it being at this house anymore. Everyday it's a circus here. I'm 26 years old. I graduated from college with my bachelors (going for my Master's), I have a decent work at home job, and I feel like I've done nothing with myself. Am I too late to start over? How can I move out when it's just me? And how can I get rid of these nerves so I can do stuff that I wanted to do?
For medication: I used to be on citalopram, but I got off of it because I didn't think it was working, and now I'm heading back to the doctor's this week to get back on new medicine.. I feel hopeless.
I just want to be normal like everyone else. I want to be happy. I want to meet people, and move out because I just can't take it being at this house anymore. Everyday it's a circus here. I'm 26 years old. I graduated from college with my bachelors (going for my Master's), I have a decent work at home job, and I feel like I've done nothing with myself. Am I too late to start over? How can I move out when it's just me? And how can I get rid of these nerves so I can do stuff that I wanted to do?
For medication: I used to be on citalopram, but I got off of it because I didn't think it was working, and now I'm heading back to the doctor's this week to get back on new medicine.. I feel hopeless.
Fork on the Left
Member
Work is depressing me. It's a stupid restaurant job but I'm just constantly reminded of how weak and powerless I feel. I feel like I deserve this. I have anxiety attacks and nobody gives a shit. No one gives a shit about me. I could leave but I don't have any energy to go find another job only to go through the same thing. I'm so stressed out.
brianjones
Member
26 is so young.. Not remotely too late to do anything you want
You have a college degree and a job .. you're way ahead of me
Is rent too high to move out by yourself where you live? Find a place with roommates.. it will help you meet people for one thing
Zeyphersan
Banned
Same. I thought things were getting better but they're not
Via Purifico
Banned
I just ended a one sided friendship as it was toxic to my mental health as I already feel worthless.
YunFang1130
Member
It depends. Some apartments can be $700-800/a month. Some more depending on the amount of people that are living in the building as well as the neighborhood. As far as for roommates though, I'll definitely try. I just don't know where to begin. What would be a good starting amount to save for an apartment?
My parents sure don't act like it's enough for them of what I've done. Even after I help them with their own issues. One of my youngest sisters is married with a kid on the way, and it feels like they respect her more than they do me. Sure, I don't have much of a social life, nor married, nor with a kid, but I'm trying the best that I can do. It's hard enough trying to juggle between school and work without having a breakdown and by the time I have a day or even a weekend off, I'm exhausted. I wish I had her life, but I guess not everyone can take the same path. I just hope mine can be just as exciting and fulfilling as hers.
pixelation
Member
I do not wish to keep on living, life is on a downward spiral, i have no friends, no love life and getting older by the minute and add on top of that health issues that will never ever be resolved and there's just no point, i wish i could just close my eyes and dissolve into nothingness.
Astral Dog
Member
There is nothing wrong with coming out of the closet regardless of who you are,don't let anybody hurt you
Just want to say this a very good read and i hope more people read this. Its very important to forgive ourselves ofbour 'mustakes'and faults if we want to move on.
You are awesome 😢
Other bosses would either fire her or at least mistrust an employee dealing with depression but here you are thinking about her well being.and someone you know for less than a year both of you are so lucky to met each other
i know it feels horrible. remember when i started trembling one time and almost cried before leaving the car for simply coming at a school at night.(we were going to leave my sister a few months)
That feeling howevet,its not trustworthy. And no matter how you feelbor think about yourself or others,you need to remember its mostly on your mind.people that hurt us an be left behind.meeting new people is always going to be a process that you can improve and make easier.go gym,pool,volunteer.do small things that give you oportunities to interact without being overwhelmed.
Its not about erasing your insecurities but about facingvthem and realizing they don't hold you back as much as you think they do
very brave why dobyou need a friend that is worse than an enemy? you can and will other people.
Booker Dewitt
Member
I've asked two people at my job about health insurance, was told by the the second person to talk to the big boss about it. I'm super hesitant cuz the first time I trusted this dude, I got body-searched by cops... second time I worked over a week while not technically being a employee.
I'm getting worried about the joke i make to myself about creating a scene to get hospitalized again... especially since everyone seems to believe the calm demeanor I've affected over the years. Bruh it's looking easier than playing it straight.
Edit: I also may be getting a sizeable pay-raise, but then i also have to trust another superior's word who... yeah, Fuck this job
I'm getting worried about the joke i make to myself about creating a scene to get hospitalized again... especially since everyone seems to believe the calm demeanor I've affected over the years. Bruh it's looking easier than playing it straight.
Edit: I also may be getting a sizeable pay-raise, but then i also have to trust another superior's word who... yeah, Fuck this job
wowbaggerBR
Member
The past few months I've been working hard in order to rebuild myself, to drag myself out of depression and I've been successful for the most part.
But...
There's always a 'but', isn't there?
My girlfriend broke up with yesterday after months of a trully uncalled for time that she asked for herself. She is the love of my damn strange, confuse and weird life and, as much as I was prepared for it, seeing her go in a hard cold manner broke my heart. I'm very stressed and worried that this might be it, this might be the trigger that will make all the improvements collapse, all the hard work go down to the drain, leaving me in the crappy state I was before. Plus I'm insecure and with a lot of self-esteem kind of problems, so I tend to go completely nuts after break ups and this stress me even more.
I'm living in a pratically strange town (hundreds of miles away from her, so this is good, no chances of me losing my dignity going after her and all that crap), my brother will fly to Germany next week and live there for six months and I'm terrified of being alone right now.
But...
There's always a 'but', isn't there?
My girlfriend broke up with yesterday after months of a trully uncalled for time that she asked for herself. She is the love of my damn strange, confuse and weird life and, as much as I was prepared for it, seeing her go in a hard cold manner broke my heart. I'm very stressed and worried that this might be it, this might be the trigger that will make all the improvements collapse, all the hard work go down to the drain, leaving me in the crappy state I was before. Plus I'm insecure and with a lot of self-esteem kind of problems, so I tend to go completely nuts after break ups and this stress me even more.
I'm living in a pratically strange town (hundreds of miles away from her, so this is good, no chances of me losing my dignity going after her and all that crap), my brother will fly to Germany next week and live there for six months and I'm terrified of being alone right now.
Glass Shark
Banned
Could use some advice, and I hope this is a good place to ask...
How should I approach an online acquaintance who has expressed thoughts of serious depression and even suicide? I barely know the guy, but we both used to work together as freelancers on a project and started following each other online. He posted a tweet a few weeks ago basically saying he was done with life and he was going to kill himself soon. I knew I would feel horrible if I didn't speak up, so I reached out to him via Twitter and we have been talking on and off ever since.
Basically he's told me that he's been suffering from severe depression and anxiety for most of his life, and he's tried a ton of different things to fix or improve it. In our initial conversation things got serious enough that I reached out to a family member of his to let them know what was happening. It turns out that his family already knew and were "working on it."
Over the last few weeks the conversations have continued and I've been following him closely. He alternately posts very normal, everyday stuff and things about being sucidical. He claims that he's attempted suicide multiple times before and even that his parents "caught him in the act" recently.
I have read a lot of blogs and articles about how to help someone who is going through this stuff, but I'm kind of hitting a brick wall at this point. I want to help him, but I am worried that I'm not saying the right things or I'm just feeding into his negative thoughts. And as someone who hasn't known him for very long, has never actually met him in person, and is thousands of miles away, I feel like I'm extremely limited in my options.
There is also a really shitty nagging part of me that thinks he might not be so serious and he's just doing this for attention. (Part of what makes me think this is that the family member I have been in contact with about it doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously.) I have decided to fight that thought and treat this entirely as if it's real, because it would be awful for me or anyone else to do otherwise. I've dealt with some level of depression and anxiety before, and even some fleeting suicidal thoughts myself, but nothing like what he describes.
I'm really conflicted and I don't know how to proceed. For some reason I'm in this situation and I feel a responsibility to do my best to help, but I'm also wondering if things are better dealt by his real-life friends and family who know him well and are equipped to deal with the situation. But then I think if I cut him off that he might take that as a trigger and do something bad. Aaaaaaaaah.
Sorry to dump all that in the thread. I just feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. The only person I've really discussed it with is my wife and she's very supportive, saying I'm doing the right thing, but neither of us are trained on how to handle something like this.
Help?
How should I approach an online acquaintance who has expressed thoughts of serious depression and even suicide? I barely know the guy, but we both used to work together as freelancers on a project and started following each other online. He posted a tweet a few weeks ago basically saying he was done with life and he was going to kill himself soon. I knew I would feel horrible if I didn't speak up, so I reached out to him via Twitter and we have been talking on and off ever since.
Basically he's told me that he's been suffering from severe depression and anxiety for most of his life, and he's tried a ton of different things to fix or improve it. In our initial conversation things got serious enough that I reached out to a family member of his to let them know what was happening. It turns out that his family already knew and were "working on it."
Over the last few weeks the conversations have continued and I've been following him closely. He alternately posts very normal, everyday stuff and things about being sucidical. He claims that he's attempted suicide multiple times before and even that his parents "caught him in the act" recently.
I have read a lot of blogs and articles about how to help someone who is going through this stuff, but I'm kind of hitting a brick wall at this point. I want to help him, but I am worried that I'm not saying the right things or I'm just feeding into his negative thoughts. And as someone who hasn't known him for very long, has never actually met him in person, and is thousands of miles away, I feel like I'm extremely limited in my options.
There is also a really shitty nagging part of me that thinks he might not be so serious and he's just doing this for attention. (Part of what makes me think this is that the family member I have been in contact with about it doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously.) I have decided to fight that thought and treat this entirely as if it's real, because it would be awful for me or anyone else to do otherwise. I've dealt with some level of depression and anxiety before, and even some fleeting suicidal thoughts myself, but nothing like what he describes.
I'm really conflicted and I don't know how to proceed. For some reason I'm in this situation and I feel a responsibility to do my best to help, but I'm also wondering if things are better dealt by his real-life friends and family who know him well and are equipped to deal with the situation. But then I think if I cut him off that he might take that as a trigger and do something bad. Aaaaaaaaah.
Sorry to dump all that in the thread. I just feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. The only person I've really discussed it with is my wife and she's very supportive, saying I'm doing the right thing, but neither of us are trained on how to handle something like this.
Help?
I wanna start by saying it's great that you care enough to be there for your friend; not everyone has that type of support so it's always encouraging to see people like you who are willing to help out a person in need. As far as your concerns, it may not seem like it, but it really does sound like you're doing as much as you can to help. Actively listen to a depressed person's problems helps out a lot more than you'd think. So keep it up, and just remind him that you're there for him to talk/to help him out with anything he needs.
If you want, you can try to find out if he's taking medication and/or therapy, and if not, lightly suggest the idea to him (but don't forcibly push it onto him). From what you mentioned, it sounds like his family/local friends are already aware and helping. It's hard to judge, but maybe the family member you're in contact with is equally unsure as to how to approach depression/suicide. I know for myself I explicitly don't tell certain people about my struggles with depression because I know they wouldn't know how to respond, which ends up making the entire experience even more frustrating. Obviously you know more about your friend than I do, but if you have zero reason to believe he's faking it or doing it for attention, then you just have to trust his word. Depression can be irrational at times, but the feelings that come with it are very real and that's all that really matters; acknowledging that his feelings are tried and true rather than dismissing them.
The thing about depression is, at the end of the day it's an internal struggle. There is only so much you can do as an outsider because that person has to be equally committed to getting better. So you shouldn't let your feelings of being obligated to help/not doing enough eat at you too much. And while you shouldn't force him to talk to you about his depression/suicide, what you can do is just be there for him and remind him that not only does he have people there to support him (family, friends, you), but that there's the potential to get better (meds/therapy). And if being there means just talking about stupid silly stuff, then that's all you really have to do. And if there are days when he's open to talking to you about his struggles, then just be there to listen.
Hopefully that helps ease some of the anxiety/stress you're having. And best of luck to your friend!
Sucks to hear that man. I think your best option for dealing with the breakup is to keep yourself occupied. I've noticed that for people like us (as in, people with self-esteem issues) it's easy to start brooding once you're not doing anything. Go get some exercise, go read a book, play a game, watch a movie/series, etc... Anything that prevents your mind from wandering off and producing negative thoughts. Do you have someone to talk to? I've found it can be a huge relief to talk to someone about things you're currently struggling with. You can always shoot me a PM if you need someone to lend you an ear.
It's kind of difficult to recommend anything here since we don't really know what he tried so far to address his depression. Is he on anti-depressants? Is he currently or was he seeing a therapist/psychiatrist? I personally think that in your position, there isn't really a whole lot else you can do besides listening to him and letting him know you're there for him.
Coming out has lead to nothing but pain. I don't even have the benefit of thinking things get better because the shit health care in this province ensures that I'll probably never transition.
Glass Shark
Banned
Thanks to both replies above, that helps. It can be overwhelming sometimes feeling like one wrong move or word on my part could cause him to feel worse. But mostly I've just been asking mild probing questions in order to get him to talk so that I can be a person there to listen to him. I've even offered to give him a place to stay if he needed a change of scenery. I don't know if that's advisable, but I was grasping at straws trying to think of what I could offer him to let him know that I cared.
As far as treatment goes, he says he's seen lots of different doctors over the years and taken lots of different meds, but he didn't like how most of them made him feel. He even claims to have tried shock therapy, which strikes me as a little odd. (To be fair, I don't know how common that is.)
After a few days where things seemed really bad, he mentioned that he's going to try a new doctor and some new meds, so that was really encouraging to me. But even since he told me that he's had a few moments where he said he was "done" with life and was going to kill himself. It's just a roller coaster of ups and downs. And it feels shitty to even complain about it because whatever I feel secondhand, he must be feeling 100x that internally.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice. For now I'm just going to keep being a listening ear and hope that's enough.
As far as treatment goes, he says he's seen lots of different doctors over the years and taken lots of different meds, but he didn't like how most of them made him feel. He even claims to have tried shock therapy, which strikes me as a little odd. (To be fair, I don't know how common that is.)
After a few days where things seemed really bad, he mentioned that he's going to try a new doctor and some new meds, so that was really encouraging to me. But even since he told me that he's had a few moments where he said he was "done" with life and was going to kill himself. It's just a roller coaster of ups and downs. And it feels shitty to even complain about it because whatever I feel secondhand, he must be feeling 100x that internally.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice. For now I'm just going to keep being a listening ear and hope that's enough.
TheLostBigBoss
Banned
So I made some posts a while back. Last spring I was diagnosed with major moderate depression and ADHD. I had a major depressive episode in Fall 2015 back when I was at school, didn't eat or go to class for nearly a month and stayed in bed during that time. Similar things started to happen last spring so I decided to try and get help to figure things out.
I was put on Welbutren and took a semester off school to work on a six month summer/fall coop. Was really riding high, was actually able to focus and did quite well at my job.
I was feeling so great, haven't really felt like that in years, so good that I stopped taking my medication in early Fall. I started to feel the same shit start to happen. Time went on and I just felt less and less good, I attributed it to being at a similar position at work for a while and not working on things I was all that interested in, so I just chalked it up to being uninspired, surely my next spring semester is going to be fine!
Well, I'm an idiot because of course it wasn't fine, the same shit happened again. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a fucking circle. Other than my co-op, I have literally been spinning my wheels because of my own stupidity.
I'm basically back to square 1, or maybe 1.1 because at least now I understand I need medication or something. I felt the same stuff coming on during spring break so I started to seek help at my schools wellness center, to try and get ahead of it because I just couldn't get things done, and I was struggling to get out of bed more and more.
Didn't really help, same results, disaster semester and now I'm starting my work (same coop company) with just a constant heavy fog and insane inability to get anything really done.
I can't believe I let this happen, again. It's gotten so bad I can't even get basic shit done, I can't focus, I can't stay on task for more than a few minutes at a time. I had a mini freakout last night because of just how much of a struggle it is to function, just so much frustration. I want to do good, I want to work, I want to study and do well, but I fucking can't, and part of me feels like I'm sabotaging myself on purpose. I've been stuck on the same late homework assignment for days because I can't fucking just write code for an hour and just hammer it out, it's insane.
I just want to sleep, that last few months I have just wanted to stay in bed and sleep all day. I'm forcing myself to stay awake in some attempt to try and get stuff done, but it's not like that's working out all too well.
I was put on Welbutren and took a semester off school to work on a six month summer/fall coop. Was really riding high, was actually able to focus and did quite well at my job.
I was feeling so great, haven't really felt like that in years, so good that I stopped taking my medication in early Fall. I started to feel the same shit start to happen. Time went on and I just felt less and less good, I attributed it to being at a similar position at work for a while and not working on things I was all that interested in, so I just chalked it up to being uninspired, surely my next spring semester is going to be fine!
Well, I'm an idiot because of course it wasn't fine, the same shit happened again. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a fucking circle. Other than my co-op, I have literally been spinning my wheels because of my own stupidity.
I'm basically back to square 1, or maybe 1.1 because at least now I understand I need medication or something. I felt the same stuff coming on during spring break so I started to seek help at my schools wellness center, to try and get ahead of it because I just couldn't get things done, and I was struggling to get out of bed more and more.
Didn't really help, same results, disaster semester and now I'm starting my work (same coop company) with just a constant heavy fog and insane inability to get anything really done.
I can't believe I let this happen, again. It's gotten so bad I can't even get basic shit done, I can't focus, I can't stay on task for more than a few minutes at a time. I had a mini freakout last night because of just how much of a struggle it is to function, just so much frustration. I want to do good, I want to work, I want to study and do well, but I fucking can't, and part of me feels like I'm sabotaging myself on purpose. I've been stuck on the same late homework assignment for days because I can't fucking just write code for an hour and just hammer it out, it's insane.
I just want to sleep, that last few months I have just wanted to stay in bed and sleep all day. I'm forcing myself to stay awake in some attempt to try and get stuff done, but it's not like that's working out all too well.
In my experience, when depression and suicidal ideation has been ongoing for a long period of time, it numbs loved ones and they tend to withdraw.
Damn. This post really resonated with me. I'm sorry Boss it's a pretty awful thing to go through, getting better then getting worse. After you get better you know how good life can be, how it actually feels to not be depressed, and you realize how much you're missing out on.
I remember being in a similar situation, I was a CompSci major at my university and finally got some help. I got better - work, school, and my social life were all going well but at some point things just started slipping. I don't know about you but the brain fog is the worst part about my depression by far. It just makes everything harder, hinders your ability to take action. I used to sit in the library for hours and hours at a time trying to code and having maybe a dozen lines to show for it...
The upside of all this is that you know that you can get better, that depression is a state of being and not your life. That always made me feel better when I was in the middle of it all.
Anyways, at this point I'm just projecting. Good luck Boss, hope everything works out for you
A Fish Aficionado
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me
Even worse: they forget. They ignore, and lastly they block you
It isn't a romanticized disease such as cancer(s), or any other diseases that riddles young, successful people.
I don't want to die, but i don't want to live.
depths20XX
Member
There isn't a great way to deal with it. Friends and family basically think you're an asshole. Explaining your feelings makes people think you're crazy. It's a constant level of being disconnected from everything.
Via Purifico
Banned
It's why I try not to talk about things in general. The times I opened up it backfired.
shawnbuddy
Member
I finally, after first making an appointment in January, got to see a mental health counselor this week.
It was all right, it didn't help me much. It's what they call an "intake appointment" so she basically she just got on a computer and asked me a bunch of questions about myself and how I'm feeling. Took about an hour.
The biggest problem is that she made it seem pretty clear to me that if I was honest about how suicidal I'm feeling she'd have me hospitalized. I didn't want to be hospitalized, so I minimized that aspect, agreeing with her that I put it out of my mind quickly and don't have a concrete plan. That's not true at all, I have several very concrete plans and local suicide locations thought out and sometimes think about it for long periods.
I could have told her that whenever I have more than $500 in my pocket I think "That's enough to buy a shotgun at Wal-Mart. You could get it right away and shoot yourself in the parking lot." Or that I've scoped out the tallest building in my town, a 10-story parking garage. I know I could jump off of it, the thing that gives me pause is that it's the parking garage for a hospital and they might save me. I've done a lot of reading and most people say that 10 stories isn't survivable no matter what, but it also sort of depends on what you hit. I could also have told her that I think a lot about whether particular beams would support my weight.
I was honest with her that these aren't angry or self-pitying thoughts. Just cold, seemingly rational and tired ones.
I feel like the shame of being put in a mental hospital would, on its own, drive me to suicide. Just another in the pile of Catch 22's that seems to be my life. My mother accidentally found out I was going to see the counselor and didn't seem to understand it or want me to do it, and I felt ashamed of even going.
In the end the counselor concluded that I wasn't really what they'd call clinically depressed and that most of my problems were with anxiety, which doesn't sound right and might have been influenced by my lack of honesty. I've got another appointment scheduled, if my insurance will pay for it I guess I'll go back and see how that goes. This first one was literally a requirement to keep my job after an incident at work, so I'm not obligated to go to any more.
It was all right, it didn't help me much. It's what they call an "intake appointment" so she basically she just got on a computer and asked me a bunch of questions about myself and how I'm feeling. Took about an hour.
The biggest problem is that she made it seem pretty clear to me that if I was honest about how suicidal I'm feeling she'd have me hospitalized. I didn't want to be hospitalized, so I minimized that aspect, agreeing with her that I put it out of my mind quickly and don't have a concrete plan. That's not true at all, I have several very concrete plans and local suicide locations thought out and sometimes think about it for long periods.
I could have told her that whenever I have more than $500 in my pocket I think "That's enough to buy a shotgun at Wal-Mart. You could get it right away and shoot yourself in the parking lot." Or that I've scoped out the tallest building in my town, a 10-story parking garage. I know I could jump off of it, the thing that gives me pause is that it's the parking garage for a hospital and they might save me. I've done a lot of reading and most people say that 10 stories isn't survivable no matter what, but it also sort of depends on what you hit. I could also have told her that I think a lot about whether particular beams would support my weight.
I was honest with her that these aren't angry or self-pitying thoughts. Just cold, seemingly rational and tired ones.
I feel like the shame of being put in a mental hospital would, on its own, drive me to suicide. Just another in the pile of Catch 22's that seems to be my life. My mother accidentally found out I was going to see the counselor and didn't seem to understand it or want me to do it, and I felt ashamed of even going.
In the end the counselor concluded that I wasn't really what they'd call clinically depressed and that most of my problems were with anxiety, which doesn't sound right and might have been influenced by my lack of honesty. I've got another appointment scheduled, if my insurance will pay for it I guess I'll go back and see how that goes. This first one was literally a requirement to keep my job after an incident at work, so I'm not obligated to go to any more.
TheLostBigBoss
Banned
Damn. This post really resonated with me. I'm sorry Boss it's a pretty awful thing to go through, getting better then getting worse. After you get better you know how good life can be, how it actually feels to not be depressed, and you realize how much you're missing out on.
I remember being in a similar situation, I was a CompSci major at my university and finally got some help. I got better - work, school, and my social life were all going well but at some point things just started slipping. I don't know about you but the brain fog is the worst part about my depression by far. It just makes everything harder, hinders your ability to take action. I used to sit in the library for hours and hours at a time trying to code and having maybe a dozen lines to show for it...
The upside of all this is that you know that you can get better, that depression is a state of being and not your life. That always made me feel better when I was in the middle of it all.
Anyways, at this point I'm just projecting. Good luck Boss, hope everything works out for you
I'm in a pretty bad state right now, but looking back at the last four months and feeling myself slip, and even before that, I can't help but be somewhat fascinated by the process of just complete degradation.
It just absolutely sucks to know what's happening, to try and get ahead of it but still completely fail and end up right back where you were. Being aware of things doesn't make it better, but feeling like an empty shell and knowing what's happening is just strange. Before, I was just depressed and didn't really know it. I have the understanding to a degree of what's happening, but I just feel powerless to stop it, and that just fucking blows.
Especially the constant lying I have to do to my family. I live at home and constantly lying to their face that I'm alright (they have no idea about the depression side of things, only the ADHD). I feel like a fraud, well I've always felt like a fraud but that's another story for a different day.
I think this sums it up about as well as anything.
SolidChamp
Banned
I'm not one to put myself out there on the internet, and certainly not on a forum given the history I've had with people on other boards, but I think I need to check in here.
I had something of a minor break down yesterday. Random triggers causing me to break down and cry or suddenly have labored breathing. I fear I'm backsliding into the crash I had in 2014, after a summer trip home to Canada and to see a friend and Boston. My wife and I returned to our lives here in Taipei and I think it just hit me really hard, going from an environment where I felt creatively and professionally invigorated and inspired (Boston) to quite the opposite here in Taipei.
I would pace around the room aimlessly and nervously with no real idea what I was doing, and I'd start crying. Or I'd have a breakdown while out in public, shopping or whatever.
Back then, a friend helped me to get counseling and I ended up taking medication, but when my wife was pregnant with our son I realized the medicine would put me into a completely comatose state after taking it at night. So close to when the baby was due, I stopped taking it so I could be present and active as a father during nighttime feedings.
I was feeling great all this time, even though I wasn't taking meds anymore I felt like I had improved quite a bit...and now this.
And yeah, it's pretty much how some people here described, I don't want to die but I don't want to live, either. Been thinking about pills a lot. Taking a cocktail, washing it down with whiskey, and going to sleep. Thankfully my son keeps me going and the fear of the unknown or "eternal nothingness" is enough to deter me...but I dunno. I feel so fucking sad and pathetic right now.
I had something of a minor break down yesterday. Random triggers causing me to break down and cry or suddenly have labored breathing. I fear I'm backsliding into the crash I had in 2014, after a summer trip home to Canada and to see a friend and Boston. My wife and I returned to our lives here in Taipei and I think it just hit me really hard, going from an environment where I felt creatively and professionally invigorated and inspired (Boston) to quite the opposite here in Taipei.
I would pace around the room aimlessly and nervously with no real idea what I was doing, and I'd start crying. Or I'd have a breakdown while out in public, shopping or whatever.
Back then, a friend helped me to get counseling and I ended up taking medication, but when my wife was pregnant with our son I realized the medicine would put me into a completely comatose state after taking it at night. So close to when the baby was due, I stopped taking it so I could be present and active as a father during nighttime feedings.
I was feeling great all this time, even though I wasn't taking meds anymore I felt like I had improved quite a bit...and now this.
And yeah, it's pretty much how some people here described, I don't want to die but I don't want to live, either. Been thinking about pills a lot. Taking a cocktail, washing it down with whiskey, and going to sleep. Thankfully my son keeps me going and the fear of the unknown or "eternal nothingness" is enough to deter me...but I dunno. I feel so fucking sad and pathetic right now.
I wish there was an easy way to kill myself that most certainly wouldn't totally fuck my shit up and be painful/potentially crippling.
I'm envious of Americans and your lax gun laws. I feel like having an easy way out would really take the edge off of things and give me some sense of control in my life.
I'm envious of Americans and your lax gun laws. I feel like having an easy way out would really take the edge off of things and give me some sense of control in my life.
How About No
Member
chronic_archaic
Member
I've always been "lucky" to not own any firearms nor did my family. If I had a firearm easily accessible, I almost certainly would be dead right now. I attempted suicide in March and failed - and I feel shame, regret, lucky, optimistic and... still suicidal.
I see what you mean though. If I ever get a gun, I want to have it locked behind a case that I need to go through incredible lengths to open, if only to be absolutely sure it's really happening.
Bounceounce
Member
I need to kill myself already.
How About No
Member
Astral Dog
Member
aww don't do it you all are really valuable here and now, worthy of experiencing so many positive feelings still and helping others as well you just have to look a bit more for the way that fits you
fortunately i never told them but yep talking about depression alone is so difficult. The worst is when you realize the person lashing at you is even worse mentally and are not sure how to deal with that .:/
chronic_archaic
Member
Every time my therapist asks me "Are you having thoughts of suicide today?" I tell her "If I did, why would I tell you anyway?" Like, all these failsafes are pointless. I get offended. How would you feel if somebody asked you that? I had a wonderful therapist before but now I'm just doing it to keep my psych who is incredibly open with off label stuff and experimentation to see what might work. I don't want to lose that, and I think it's more important than a good therapist, as I find enough therapy outside of professional stuff from friends and stuff.
shawnbuddy
Member
You don't need to. You want to. What you need to do is try to address and change, or cope with if you can't change, the thing that's making you want to kill yourself. Do you feel comfortable sharing it in this thread?
RuinerPrime
Member
Can someone talk about what's it like on medication? Like what did it change and so forth, positives and negatives? I'm thinking about going to the metal health clinic, which I've been putting off for years.
With medication you have to be open minded to it and be ready to be patient. I'd say for a lot of people it takes a few medication adjustments to get to where they want to be.
I got very lucky with my first two medications and they have worked out great. I take Lamictal for mood swings which controls my temper/agitation level. I was prescribed Paxil (SSRI) for my anxiety symptoms but it took me about two months to get the full benefit of it. I'd say you have to be most patient for anti-depressants. Too many people don't like the immediate side effects so they stop after a few days or a few weeks. It takes a month or more to get the benefit out of an SSRI.
I've never tried it but for some people another anti-depressant like Wellburtin would be better for them. Wellburtin is an NDRI so it increases the levels of norepinephrine and dopamine. The SSRI I'm on increases the levels of your serotonin instead. Some people supposedly benefit from being on both so you have a lot of options. Basically you won't know until you try and be ready for a lot of trial and error worst case scenario.
Zeyphersan
Banned
I think I'm going to finally get in touch with a counselor about depression/possible ADHD. It's been years coming and I've even found a post on here from me from two years ago (!!!) saying I was going to look into an ADHD diagnosis and I never really did (well, my GP was incredibly unhelpful). I just need to talk to someone before I do something I regret.
Just gotta survive the weekend.
Just gotta survive the weekend.
Astral Dog
Member
well i hope you get better one way or another.talking about suicide is best with someone you trust and feel comfortable with.
I might have decent insurance in a couple of weeks and thinking about seeing someone for depression and anxiety. What scares me most is that depression is such a part of my identity that I don't know what I'd be left with if it were gone - maybe more nothingness than I have now. It's been the only constant in my life.
I might try for the sake of my family, but if I don't get better then I'll feel like a failure and a disappointment in that, too. I'm fucked either way.
I might try for the sake of my family, but if I don't get better then I'll feel like a failure and a disappointment in that, too. I'm fucked either way.
Bounceounce
Member
There's no benefit to living, there's no getting better, I'm always going to be stuck like this.
How About No
Member
Even as some who has difficulty changing their waus, that's not true.
- Status