It depends if you can find the right mix. That and coupled with a good therapist it can do wonders.
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Mental Health |OT2| - Light in the Darkness
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It depends if you can find the right mix. That and coupled with a good therapist it can do wonders.
Samurai G0SU
Member
I think anxiety versions are more prone on success. Depression meds are a gamble. I took bupropion at first and well.. that made my patience down to 0 with anything. so i stopped taking that as it altered my mood too much. then i started to take mitzerphine* but it lowered my libido .. sooo bedroom time was like meh and i didnt like that. but in the bigger picture, i dont need these full time as my depression is like a relapse triggered from very stressful situations. so i guess having these side affects for a few months might be worth it for me so i dont fall into a major depressive thought process where im stuck in a loop, feeling heavy and thinking about all things that make me unworthy. on repeat.
talk with your doctor and see what they would recommend.
Go_Ly_Dow
Member
Just one experience here so don't take my word as fact.
In my experience no, Zoloft gave me side affects such as aches, bowel issues, mood swings, decreased libido coming during the start up and withdrawal stage. When it finally kicked in it just kinda numbed me and masked the symptoms instead of curing them. That's my experience with the one SSRI I took.
Then with Xanax for shortterm use, it works, but after a few weeks your body builds a tolerance very quickly and you need more. When you finally realize that it stops working and you decide to stop you also get troublesome short term side affects.
Firstly visit a therapist and have a lengthy discussion about the root causes of your issues. Maybe you'll find a solutions through lifestyle changes such as exercise, dietary changes and working hard to change your outlook to be more positive.
Don't underestimate these things. http://www.bbc.com/news/health-39976706
Mental health imbalances can be linked to nutrion and various hormone imbalances such as your thyroid or testosterone levels. If you have a poor diet speak to your doctor and get some basic blood work done. Make sure you get enough sleep (8 hours is ideal).
Certain therapies and techniques such as CBT and meditation can really help people get control of their thoughts and lives. Reach out to people, look for YouTube channels on the subject that click with you and provide support etc....
In my opinion medication should be looked at if non drug solutions to your issues don't help you after really giving them a go. A real go. Slowly make changes if you feel you can improve on the things I mentioned above.
Even if there is a medication that will work better than Zoloft for me, I don't wanna go through the trial and guniea pig stage of coming on and off different pills and dosages to find it. SSRI withdrawal was one of the worst physical experiences I've had. I made a thread about it, check my thread history to find it.
I'm just feeling kind of listless these days. I've gone through countless therapists/psychiatrists/medications for the last six years or so and nothing has ever really worked. Some meds have slightly dulled the symptoms or "taken the edge off" or whatever, but never anything significant. I have trouble opening up to therapists as much as I should so I don't get as much out of them as I'd like either. I've had a job for about six months now, but it's stressful and the pay is shit so I still can't support myself. At least I'm not suicidal like I have been in the past, but I feel like I'm just treading water. I started using OkCupid earlier this year to try to change things up, but while I've had decent conversations with a few people, I've only ever managed one actual date. I've set up several more, but they always get canceled or postponed indefinitely. Honestly it's probably discouraging me more than before I started using it.
Nydius
Member
So I'm not sure where else to post this or if this is even the right place but, alas.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder a good 17 years ago and have been struggling with it ever since. Lately it's also manifest into mild depression. Lost insurance in the mid-2000's, been a roller coaster of temporary coverage here and there, and still don't have insurance thanks to financial loopholes in ACA and inability to buy individual policies. There's a low cost mental health clinic in my area but they seem to be on perpetual backlog. I've had an appointment scheduled with them since July of last year and every time it gets close I get called because they need to reschedule for a myriad of reasons (understaffed, too many patients, etc).
Anyhoo, lately things have been pretty lousy and I don't know what to do. My wife and I celebrate our 17th anniversary this week and that's actually making me more stressed, anxious, and depressed. Largely because I'm not sure how I feel about my relationship right now. I don't want to go into too much detail about that as it's more a topic for Relationship GAF than Mental Health GAF. But it's definitely a source of increased mental stress.
These last few days, I've felt like everything has been "off", for lack of a better term, where everything still seems real but something I can't quite put my finger on isn't right. I can't seem to shake the funk at all. Don't really want to do much of anything, I'm increasingly argumentative.. Ugh. Just I dunno.
Like I said, not even sure if I'm posting in the right place and not even really looking for advice, just needed to talk to something or someone. Since my mom passed a couple years ago, I haven't really had anyone to talk to about things and I think that's starting to weigh on me.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder a good 17 years ago and have been struggling with it ever since. Lately it's also manifest into mild depression. Lost insurance in the mid-2000's, been a roller coaster of temporary coverage here and there, and still don't have insurance thanks to financial loopholes in ACA and inability to buy individual policies. There's a low cost mental health clinic in my area but they seem to be on perpetual backlog. I've had an appointment scheduled with them since July of last year and every time it gets close I get called because they need to reschedule for a myriad of reasons (understaffed, too many patients, etc).
Anyhoo, lately things have been pretty lousy and I don't know what to do. My wife and I celebrate our 17th anniversary this week and that's actually making me more stressed, anxious, and depressed. Largely because I'm not sure how I feel about my relationship right now. I don't want to go into too much detail about that as it's more a topic for Relationship GAF than Mental Health GAF. But it's definitely a source of increased mental stress.
These last few days, I've felt like everything has been "off", for lack of a better term, where everything still seems real but something I can't quite put my finger on isn't right. I can't seem to shake the funk at all. Don't really want to do much of anything, I'm increasingly argumentative.. Ugh. Just I dunno.
Like I said, not even sure if I'm posting in the right place and not even really looking for advice, just needed to talk to something or someone. Since my mom passed a couple years ago, I haven't really had anyone to talk to about things and I think that's starting to weigh on me.
Adam Sadler
Member
I hate making these type of posts online but I also hating telling friends this.
I'm finally going to see a psychiatrist after years of telling myself I am okay and I know this won't be an overnight change but I'm a bit relieved in a way?
Lately I've just been slipping mentally. I've repeatedly came close to have a mental breakdown in tears while chilling at a friend's house just drinking and watching movies. It was bad to the point where I had to go to the restroom for awhile.
I'm over thinking every situation that I'm in and it's just getting too much. It's like I cannot turn my brain off from drowning myself with thoughts of everything I hate about my life.
I'm finally going to see a psychiatrist after years of telling myself I am okay and I know this won't be an overnight change but I'm a bit relieved in a way?
Lately I've just been slipping mentally. I've repeatedly came close to have a mental breakdown in tears while chilling at a friend's house just drinking and watching movies. It was bad to the point where I had to go to the restroom for awhile.
I'm over thinking every situation that I'm in and it's just getting too much. It's like I cannot turn my brain off from drowning myself with thoughts of everything I hate about my life.
All terrific advice but I just wanted to give my two cents as well. For anyone considering anti-depressants (SSRI, NDRI) be sure to stick to your medication regimen and be as patient as you possibly can be as it can take one to two months to achieve the full benefit of the anti-depressant. The general process of anti-depressant treatment will usually have the doctor prescribe you an SSRI first, and then add an NDRI if the SSRI alone is not doing the trick. But keep in mind that people respond to SSRI brands very differently, and it may actually be worth considering trying another.
There is also no debate about how terrible SSRI withdrawal is but this can be managed by slowly coming off the medication with slightly lower doses each week.
Go_Ly_Dow
Member
For sure. In my case tho I didn't quit cold turkey, I went from 50 to 25mg for one week and then 12.5mg for 2 weeks. I was on the medication for 2 months.
This week has really, really sucked and still is sucking. Been thinking a lot about my past, and how I think objectively unlikely it is that Im going to ever find hapiness in the future. Been thinking about Dignitas (Assisted suicide clinic in Switzerland) and how that would be the ideal way to end it if it comes to that. Im just so tired of life, and I dont have the life skills I need to improve it much and I never will. I wonder if I could convince Dignitas of that, I know they have strict guidelines.
Wolverine, you are at an age where you need regular prostate screenings! Get that checked out, bub!
tag checks out
Mastermind Vade
Banned
Went to see a psychologist a few days ago and was diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder(PDD). They said I can either do a sort of summer course which is part therapy part art, do something called "Groups" which is basically just meeting other people like myself they, or so that was how they described it, or go to a Walk-in Clinic where I'll meet someone that will refer me to long-term stuff.
Anybody else going through the same thing? What did you do?
As for my options, I am more leaning towards the summer classes thing because of the small class(6 students per class).
Anybody else going through the same thing? What did you do?
As for my options, I am more leaning towards the summer classes thing because of the small class(6 students per class).
SprachBrooks
Member
If you're depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, you'll only know that by seeing your doctor/therapist, right? There are no distinct symptoms?
Edit: Had a traumatic event yesterday with my sibling. They needed to go to A&E and I was so distressed. I was crying and all I wanted was for them to be okay. I think the trauma really got to me. All of a sudden, I woke up the next day questioning my sexuality, wtf?! I don't what the hell is going on lol. Because of this questioning, I'm so depressed at the moment and can't countenance anything that will make it feel better. Is trauma something that lasts more than after the immediate experience? I'm just so at a loss at the moment, I've never questioned before, but I feel so sad, depressed, miserable and I mean, I've been feeling a little bit better now.
Edit: Had a traumatic event yesterday with my sibling. They needed to go to A&E and I was so distressed. I was crying and all I wanted was for them to be okay. I think the trauma really got to me. All of a sudden, I woke up the next day questioning my sexuality, wtf?! I don't what the hell is going on lol. Because of this questioning, I'm so depressed at the moment and can't countenance anything that will make it feel better. Is trauma something that lasts more than after the immediate experience? I'm just so at a loss at the moment, I've never questioned before, but I feel so sad, depressed, miserable and I mean, I've been feeling a little bit better now.
spons
Member
This may sound odd but has anyone ever paid for sex health care? Basically just prostitution for the mentally handicapped/people with a disorder of some kind. I feel stigmatized for being a 27 year old virgin and I'd rather not bullshit my way into having sex with someone, even if it's a regular prostitute. I need someone who understands me.
I've found Flekszorg here in Holland but any other input is welcome.
I've found Flekszorg here in Holland but any other input is welcome.
If there is a service like that in Holland and it's legal I say go for it.
I been with Escorts a few times, and if you find the right one that cares about making it a good experience, it can be wonderful.
If she happens to ask you out to see a movie or something, make sure not to get to attached.
Secret Fawful
Member
Went to see a therapist today for the first time, but they kept falling asleep in the middle of the session, so I guess I'm finding a new therapist already.
It doesn't really help that I got to the point where I was counting the seconds until my appointment.
It doesn't really help that I got to the point where I was counting the seconds until my appointment.
That's uh... wow. I mean, they were probably really tired but it's still not a good look. Did they apologise at the very least?
Secret Fawful
Member
Yeah, but it didn't really help.
brianjones
Member
theres a lot of bad therapists out there.. especially if you don't have great insurance
its pretty upsetting.. these are the people we're supposed to turn to when we don't know what else to do
its pretty upsetting.. these are the people we're supposed to turn to when we don't know what else to do
Yeah, I can imagine. Kind of evokes the idea that if they can't even take care of themselves, how are they supposed to take care of you...
Oh well, keep looking. Finding a therapist that clicks with you is most definitely worth it
I'm about to finish my one week break from work. It was nice - work is pretty intense and, between the commute, working nights, and socializing with people from work, it has kind of taken over my life lately. It was great to clean the apartment and have some quiet time to myself.
One week of this was fine, but I can see that my mental health would have started to go downhill if it were any longer. I have two really bad tendencies that depression tends to bring out. First, I resist scheduling my time. I like my time to be my own and scheduled activities always feel restrictive. Second, for someone who is so extroverted, I sure do like to be by myself. I guess hanging out with other people would require scheduling stuff, so that kind of fits.
The two biggest benefits to having a job, for me, are that it forces me to schedule my time and it gets me out into the world, seeing other people. Those both ultimately help me a ton. I need a schedule. I need to be around people. Even knowing that, it's funny how hard I have to fight the impulse to call off work and spend the day alone at home. I know it's bad for me to just bum around by myself, but it still sounds so damn appealing. My mind is dumb like that. I'm always amused/perplexed/saddened by the fact that, even when I know what will make me happy, I often feel compelled to do the opposite.
One week of this was fine, but I can see that my mental health would have started to go downhill if it were any longer. I have two really bad tendencies that depression tends to bring out. First, I resist scheduling my time. I like my time to be my own and scheduled activities always feel restrictive. Second, for someone who is so extroverted, I sure do like to be by myself. I guess hanging out with other people would require scheduling stuff, so that kind of fits.
The two biggest benefits to having a job, for me, are that it forces me to schedule my time and it gets me out into the world, seeing other people. Those both ultimately help me a ton. I need a schedule. I need to be around people. Even knowing that, it's funny how hard I have to fight the impulse to call off work and spend the day alone at home. I know it's bad for me to just bum around by myself, but it still sounds so damn appealing. My mind is dumb like that. I'm always amused/perplexed/saddened by the fact that, even when I know what will make me happy, I often feel compelled to do the opposite.
SprachBrooks
Member
Has anyone here suffered from intrusive thoughts OCD? I used to have anxiety about fearing death and thankfully I got over that a while ago. Now all of a sudden I'm having HOCD. I randomly woke up one morning obsessing over it and it's been gripping me for the past two days. I'm constantly thinking about itintrusive thoughts occur. I can't help but feel that OCD never goes away but manifests itself differently if you have gotten over the different type of intrusive thoughts you had. Just to note, I had a traumatic experience on Friday night where my sister suffered a mini stroke, and as a result it really affected me. Next morning I'm awake suffering from this OCD, but it's not about deathpresumably because she ended up being finebut it's about my sexuality. Is this normal? In that it can be traced to a traumatic experience? Someone please help.
Zeyphersan
Banned
Anyone have experience with the antidepressant bupropion (also goes by Wellbutrin)? Just got it today, its the first one Ive ever taken. Doctor seemed super knowledgeable about it and I trust her judgement, just wanted to hear if there were any firsthand stories.
opticalmace
Member
I don't know much about it but I can say that my OCD symptoms flare up when I'm either depressed/anxious or something semi-traumatic happens. They decrease with time afterward. I imagine that is probably what's happening with you too, though I am not very knowledgeable about this whole thing.
Yeah. It didn't help me much but that's individual for everyone. Didn't hurt me either as it has a remarkably gentle side effect profile (and people especially like it because it lacks the sexual side effects common with SSRIs). I hope it works for you.
Zeyphersan
Banned
Yeah, that was the benefit, especially when starting out was the very mild or nonexistent side effects. She said if it didnt work it would be an easy transition to one that affects serotonin in addition to the norepinephrine the bupropion hits.
Definitely agree with your doctor, but the medication regimen usually goes SSRI first then an NDRI prescribed on top of your SSRI. It's interesting your doc seems to prefer increasing norepinephrine & dopamine first before serotonin. Did she not say that taking both an NDRI & SSRI at the same time would ever be an option?
In terms of first hand stories I have a few from friends. One of them eventually was diagnosed with ADHD and so his doctor prescribed him Wellburtin as it's used off-label to treat ADHD (it's an NDRI like Ritalin). He said that the Wellburtin ended up being terrible for him, and he hated the side effects. That's the usual opinion of most of my friends but I'd say all of them didn't stick to their med regimen long enough to really know. You should try Wellburtin for a month or two (if you can last that long) so you can obtain its full benefit. Remember the same thing with the SSRI as it takes weeks/months for the medication to absorb fully into your bloodstream.
Another note I can add is that when I was prescribed Ritalin my psychiatrist wanted to first prescribe me Wellburtin. I told him about the experiences of my peers and he thought it was a fine enough objection from me to try Ritalin first. Anywho, my point is it really depends on what you are using the Wellburtin for.
Yeah that totally makes sense then why she'd prescribe the Wellburtin and not an SSRI. Well all I can say is good luck in your treatment, and I hope you find something that works well for you!
Zeyphersan
Banned
Yes, if I'm not getting the expected results from just NDRI we'll switch to NDRI and SSRI. I have a lot of ADHD symptoms as well, I think she wants to see how this does first
I have a follow-up appointment set for exactly a month from now, so we'll see what happens. I of course plan on sticking with it the whole time barring life-threatening side effects. If I can ask, what was the terrible experience for your friend with ADHD for Wellbutrin?
Thank you very much! It's my first foray into really ANY medication aside from like Advil or antibiotics, so I'm a bit nervous. But I know it's for the best, gotta keep the end in sight
It's probably the best I've been on so far, coming off of Zoloft and Prozac.
Cameron122
Member
I'm so bored with life I dunno if the people in it know im a real person with feelings
karasu
Member
I used to take that. It didn't help my depression too much so I had to switch, but it did wonders for appetite control and quitting smoking haha.
NegroNinja
Member
Been bullied my entire life and basicaly had my social interactions with people stunted as i became a recluse at a young age so people wouldnt bother me. Fast forward to 24 and my life is getting worse. I want to see a therapist but im broke and scared to go on antidepressants. Dont really know what i should do.
Reaching out to GAF in case someone has some kind of advice on how to fix this situation.
So my wife has a pretty bad problem right now. She has a history of stress induced panic attacks every now and then (once or twice a year, though I think it's been getting worse). She had one last week and she's still not over it. She doesn't have the panic per se, but she has physical symptoms that make her feel like shit (laboured breathing, physical anxiety etc). I'm not good at describing it truth be told. In short she had a panic attack a week ago and still feels like death.
She had a similar situation last year (first time) and a couple of months of Cipralex (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escitalopram) fixed it pretty much. But it killed her sex drive etc and she stopped it.
Current situation is one that she is going to start taking it again unless we figure out something else quick. She has tried couple of beta blockers (Propranolol and Alprazolam) for a few days now but they don't seem to do anything, except that the Alprazolam makes her groggy.
So any tips or "tricks" we could try? I've been researching breathing methods to get her nervous system to calm down (if that's the problem) and just bought some 5-HTP to try before getting on dem SSRI's again..
So my wife has a pretty bad problem right now. She has a history of stress induced panic attacks every now and then (once or twice a year, though I think it's been getting worse). She had one last week and she's still not over it. She doesn't have the panic per se, but she has physical symptoms that make her feel like shit (laboured breathing, physical anxiety etc). I'm not good at describing it truth be told. In short she had a panic attack a week ago and still feels like death.
She had a similar situation last year (first time) and a couple of months of Cipralex (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escitalopram) fixed it pretty much. But it killed her sex drive etc and she stopped it.
Current situation is one that she is going to start taking it again unless we figure out something else quick. She has tried couple of beta blockers (Propranolol and Alprazolam) for a few days now but they don't seem to do anything, except that the Alprazolam makes her groggy.
So any tips or "tricks" we could try? I've been researching breathing methods to get her nervous system to calm down (if that's the problem) and just bought some 5-HTP to try before getting on dem SSRI's again..
Blackquill
Member
Got back from the therapist like always, useless, at this point I just don't know what to do, it's my only hope at the moment and it sucks, what should I do
Coincidentally I had my last therapy session today for a while. My therapist thinks I'm ready to go out on my own, and he sees the medication as having done its job and continuing to make me better. I'll still have appointments with my Psychiatrist (obviously) but my therapist really did help me out. He proved to be invaluable, but to be honest a lot of the work had to come from me. Sessions were only as productive as I wanted them to be, and that meant opening up honestly with him.
I'd definitely try finding another therapist Blackquill, if you don't find your current one to be doing any good. I went through two therapists before finding the one that worked for me.
What kind of insurance do you have? Country, state? If you have private insurance you can look up therapists (usually) in a directory provided on the companies website. Or if you have an insurance card you can call one of the numbers on the back to ask for a list of the nearest therapists on your plan.
What's holding up the process for you?
Secret Fawful
Member
Does it usually take like a month or two to go through the process of getting a therapist, because that's where I'm at right now.
Blackquill
Member
I'll probably do that but I really don't know where to search
Hey guys, looking for advice on how to handle a situation that I feel incapable of dealing with. Will try to keep it concise.
I have an old college classmate from about 3 years ago who I've kept sporadically in contact with. We always got along well in school, and one of our topics of discussion now and again related to us both being introverts, so I think she feels we have some common ground there (we've talked on FB about how it has affected our careers etc. since as well).
She got a fairly demanding job straight out of school, and got burnt out/depressed and left the job on sick leave after about a year. Anyway, earlier this year she felt ready to try and go back to work at a new job which seemed more "normal" when it came to stress levels, and we talked once or twice about her way back.
Now I get a FB-message where she only links a blog post she has written on a blog about her mental health where she's basically describing herself falling back into depression with all the warning signs it brings. The problem for me, without trying to sound conceited, is that I can't relate to it on any level whatsoever, and I'm not sure how to respond without adding "fuel to the fire"...
I get that this isn't much to go on and I feel like I shouldn't be needing advice for this, but as a person who personally, and with those close to me, never has had to deal with serious mental health issues, I felt this might be a good forum for advice.
I have an old college classmate from about 3 years ago who I've kept sporadically in contact with. We always got along well in school, and one of our topics of discussion now and again related to us both being introverts, so I think she feels we have some common ground there (we've talked on FB about how it has affected our careers etc. since as well).
She got a fairly demanding job straight out of school, and got burnt out/depressed and left the job on sick leave after about a year. Anyway, earlier this year she felt ready to try and go back to work at a new job which seemed more "normal" when it came to stress levels, and we talked once or twice about her way back.
Now I get a FB-message where she only links a blog post she has written on a blog about her mental health where she's basically describing herself falling back into depression with all the warning signs it brings. The problem for me, without trying to sound conceited, is that I can't relate to it on any level whatsoever, and I'm not sure how to respond without adding "fuel to the fire"...
I get that this isn't much to go on and I feel like I shouldn't be needing advice for this, but as a person who personally, and with those close to me, never has had to deal with serious mental health issues, I felt this might be a good forum for advice.
Thinking about my own suicide today at work. Thinking about all my friends who have their own careers and families and i feel like rock bottom. Wondering if Pamplemousse is in peace and if i die would i have the same feeling of peace too. Don't know what it is about my that gives me such horrid luck in this world, but i just want to end it all. I've already know where and how planned out. Would be nice to die and not have to wake up to my life anymore. i wish i had the strength and courage to jump in front of a subway train or something like that. sucks to be reminded life hates me everyday. if there is any god i hope he or she grants me the strength and courage to die tomorrow.
I think the only thing you really can say is that you're here for her, at least if that's the type of relationship you guys have.
Prophaniti
Banned
I got diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder.
It's really weird to go over descriptions of it and seeing how much of it fits. I've always been wary of that with mental health stuff, reading a lot of stuff make me think I have it. But this is spot on :[
Kind of feels good to have something to call it other than crazy though.
It's really weird to go over descriptions of it and seeing how much of it fits. I've always been wary of that with mental health stuff, reading a lot of stuff make me think I have it. But this is spot on :[
Kind of feels good to have something to call it other than crazy though.
Prophaniti
Banned
Yeah that's normal for me.
brianjones
Member
wish i knew man
wish someone could just tell me what to do with my life because i don't know anymore
it feels like everyone else has a support system in place and i'm trying to figure this out alone
i decided to take some college classes while i'm looking for work and all it's done is make me feel like a miserable failure for not going to college after high school when i should have.. people would kill for the opportunities i've been given and i've just pissed them down the drain
How About No
Member
Pamplemousse could have gotten all the help in the world but chose to stay quiet about his problems
I'm sorry you and life have such a bad relationship but it doesn't hate you as bad as you think and maybe you can salvage that relationship you have with it
I'm going to be homeless at the start of next month and it's pretty nerve-wracking. Thankfully I've helped friends with homelessness in the past, so I know what to expect, but it's going to be even tougher finding a place to live while I'm in that situation.
I also had no idea storage was so fucking expensive ($95 for a 5'x5' unit).
I also had no idea storage was so fucking expensive ($95 for a 5'x5' unit).
Yeah.
So I'm a cook and I work in new York, the last two years it was Boston.
Several things have happened along this ride.
For the last five years I just don't get to... Live. I am so tired after every shift I just lay in bed.
I'll try to take long walks, through the woods if I can find some or about the city,
When I lived in Wellesley, Northampton,MA I'd go into the woods at night and cry. You can't cry in front of other people, but over the last few years I've found myself breaking down, having to wander into a corner and cry, at work or outside. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't a man, if people would ask me what's wrong or hug me, they just watch. I feel like I'm frightening or horrifying if I cry, like when I first saw my father cry. It was like he was expected to be able to handle everything, and I feel it's the same for me.
I still don't let myself cry usually. Then a lot of the time when I do try I can't.
Yeah, so here's another day where I struggle out of bed. I have to go to work again. I can't really afford clothes plus my rent, I can barely afford food, but I'm making what's considered alright money.
So I don't know really if I'm at fault here.
At sixteen I developed bulimia, I still suffer from something though that's resolved, I started to self harm, mainly as it was the only thing that made me happy. Lots of things.
I have borderline personality disorder, but I can't afford therapy.
I call the suicide hotline a lot, and all the time I think of dying.
For the last ten years I've had people like me, people who I could of kept up with, but I can't. It feels like everyone leaves no matter what I do.
It's gotten hard to speak, people ask me to raise my voice and I can't. I walk down the street and it feels like everyone is watching me. If I make eye contact I feel intensely afraid.
So I was homeless a few times, but so many good people helped. I love people a lot but I'm not ever good enough, everyone who knows me likes me contingency it seems.
If I can't work I get no human interaction.
I went to Nantucket and was abused and sexually harassed for a few months.
I had periods recently where I couldn't atop whimpering and quietly screaming in bed.
I really don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I have no control.
Every six to eight months I get so bored I start to go into self destructive cycles. So I feel like, everything is my fault.
Maybe I was homeless, abused, etc. just so I could have a life as a victim, something to talk about, As I was going through it I never wanted any of it tho.
I pushed the one girl, my only good friend away recently, indirectly.
I don't know what to do. I'm in so much or I feel nothing all the time.
A few days ago everything felt so unreal and hopeless I walked in front of a car and slowed down, this is NY so they don't stop.
I wrote two books about love, that was what was helping me, but now I'm too tired and I can't concentrate enough to keep editing, finish them, plus there's no time. I was trying to figure out what love is. I think it's freedom and also it's the reward after pain. I feel like I have to keep suffering to get anywhere.
I know, I'm like, not working, my thoughts. I'm so desperately looking for the right things to say, as if that could fix this.
I don't know what to do but to continue, but I'm so afraid, there's just, like, is there ever going to be a day when I can buy things again without feeling guilty or afraid. Is there ever gonna be a day when I can do stuff and I won't be alone. Ten years of this feeling of being some thrown away stuff.
I'm sorry I feel this way, or that I feel at all.
I've been to hospitals, on pills, nothing helps, the pills don't alleviate the mood swings, they don't allow me to work. The hospitals, they make you feel even worse.
Um. Well, I talked with the boss today and he tried to scare me. I just, I dont want to be homeless again.
Im so tired of always fighting.
Will I always have to struggle, so, so hard, to not even see the sun, the trees, people in an environment where Im not in fear of losing my job? I can hardly raise my voice and theyre demanding I speak up.
So I'm a cook and I work in new York, the last two years it was Boston.
Several things have happened along this ride.
For the last five years I just don't get to... Live. I am so tired after every shift I just lay in bed.
I'll try to take long walks, through the woods if I can find some or about the city,
When I lived in Wellesley, Northampton,MA I'd go into the woods at night and cry. You can't cry in front of other people, but over the last few years I've found myself breaking down, having to wander into a corner and cry, at work or outside. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't a man, if people would ask me what's wrong or hug me, they just watch. I feel like I'm frightening or horrifying if I cry, like when I first saw my father cry. It was like he was expected to be able to handle everything, and I feel it's the same for me.
I still don't let myself cry usually. Then a lot of the time when I do try I can't.
Yeah, so here's another day where I struggle out of bed. I have to go to work again. I can't really afford clothes plus my rent, I can barely afford food, but I'm making what's considered alright money.
So I don't know really if I'm at fault here.
At sixteen I developed bulimia, I still suffer from something though that's resolved, I started to self harm, mainly as it was the only thing that made me happy. Lots of things.
I have borderline personality disorder, but I can't afford therapy.
I call the suicide hotline a lot, and all the time I think of dying.
For the last ten years I've had people like me, people who I could of kept up with, but I can't. It feels like everyone leaves no matter what I do.
It's gotten hard to speak, people ask me to raise my voice and I can't. I walk down the street and it feels like everyone is watching me. If I make eye contact I feel intensely afraid.
So I was homeless a few times, but so many good people helped. I love people a lot but I'm not ever good enough, everyone who knows me likes me contingency it seems.
If I can't work I get no human interaction.
I went to Nantucket and was abused and sexually harassed for a few months.
I had periods recently where I couldn't atop whimpering and quietly screaming in bed.
I really don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I have no control.
Every six to eight months I get so bored I start to go into self destructive cycles. So I feel like, everything is my fault.
Maybe I was homeless, abused, etc. just so I could have a life as a victim, something to talk about, As I was going through it I never wanted any of it tho.
I pushed the one girl, my only good friend away recently, indirectly.
I don't know what to do. I'm in so much or I feel nothing all the time.
A few days ago everything felt so unreal and hopeless I walked in front of a car and slowed down, this is NY so they don't stop.
I wrote two books about love, that was what was helping me, but now I'm too tired and I can't concentrate enough to keep editing, finish them, plus there's no time. I was trying to figure out what love is. I think it's freedom and also it's the reward after pain. I feel like I have to keep suffering to get anywhere.
I know, I'm like, not working, my thoughts. I'm so desperately looking for the right things to say, as if that could fix this.
I don't know what to do but to continue, but I'm so afraid, there's just, like, is there ever going to be a day when I can buy things again without feeling guilty or afraid. Is there ever gonna be a day when I can do stuff and I won't be alone. Ten years of this feeling of being some thrown away stuff.
I'm sorry I feel this way, or that I feel at all.
I've been to hospitals, on pills, nothing helps, the pills don't alleviate the mood swings, they don't allow me to work. The hospitals, they make you feel even worse.
Um. Well, I talked with the boss today and he tried to scare me. I just, I dont want to be homeless again.
Im so tired of always fighting.
Will I always have to struggle, so, so hard, to not even see the sun, the trees, people in an environment where Im not in fear of losing my job? I can hardly raise my voice and theyre demanding I speak up.
It's been a little bit since I last posted in this thread. I started taking antidepressants in March and I feel as though they've greatly helped in lifting a fog from my mind and giving me a more positive outlook on life. That being said, today I was suddenly hit by an overwhelmingly crushing feeling of loneliness and I've felt the urge to cry at several points. I suppose this is arguably not related to mental health as almost everyone has these little dips and worries about being never finding a companion, but I'm so afraid I never will.
I have a mental health appointment on Monday (it was supposed to be tomorrow but the lady rescheduled) so hopefully I can at least get a nice chat out of someone then.
I had planned to complain about it a lot more when I entered the thread but reading what some of you are going through, I feel a bit silly about it. I admire your fortitude and wish the best for you all, any of you are always welcome to PM me to vent or anything like that.
I have a mental health appointment on Monday (it was supposed to be tomorrow but the lady rescheduled) so hopefully I can at least get a nice chat out of someone then.
I had planned to complain about it a lot more when I entered the thread but reading what some of you are going through, I feel a bit silly about it. I admire your fortitude and wish the best for you all, any of you are always welcome to PM me to vent or anything like that.
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