Police Raid Home of Local "Crazy Utility Player" Guy
The Kansas City police department, acting on a tip from concerned neighbors, raided a local home today and found countless numbers of utility baseball players. The home belongs to a Dayton Moore, age 45, who is employed in the front office of the Kansas City Royals. Officials describe a very chaotic scene.
Detective John Aikens was the first to go into the house, "I came in the front door and it was a mess. Right in the entryway were 10 - 15 utility players just milling around. When we went into the kitchen we found some in the cupboards, some more under the kitchen table, and even one just sitting on the table. Each time we entered a room another 15 would come scampering out. We found others under beds, in closets, and behind the couches. They were everywhere."
Neighbors were not surprised by what was found. "Dayton has always been a little odd," said next door neighbor Cindy Wilson. "Some neighborhoods have the crazy cat lady, but I guess we have the crazy utility player guy. We knew he liked to collect utility players. We didn't know he had quite so many, but I'm not surprised by this."
Kansas City psychologist Dave Leonard describes Moore's behavior as showing the classic symptoms of Low Value Hoarding Syndrome, or LVHS. "Some people would look at Moore's behavior and be puzzled by it. After all, why hoard something of so little value when you can easily get another one? But, LVHS sufferers don't see it that way. People like Dayton believe that this utility player might someday turn into something of value, kind of like that old painting in the grandma's attic that is actually an original Rembrandt. He also sees himself as a utility whisperer; that he is the one that can give meaning and dignity back to the lives of these utility players."
Moore appears to not have cared if the player was a utility infielder or a utility outfielder, just as long as they didn't hit for much power and didn't have an easily definable position. "That fits the mold," explains Leonard. "Typical LVHS people don't specialize. They are seeking for anything with that low value that they can reclaim. So it would make no difference to Dayton if the player was a utility infielder or outfielder. If it is somebody that is perceived to have a low value, he wants to be the one to step in and help."
