Shaq in Dallas? If the boot fits...
As the saying goes, everything's bigger in Texas. And should a certain disgruntled basketball player/rapper/actor/sheriff with two years and an option left on his current NBA contract get his wish, everything might just get little larger in the Lone Star State.
That's right, Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O'Neal wants out. Moreover, he wants a one-way ticket to Dallas.
Speculation has been running rampant. Would Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak dare move "MDE" to Big D without getting The Big G (German uberstar Dirk Nowitzki) in return? If The Diesel dons the blue and silver, will Nellie keep the Hack-a-Shaq alive?
Good questions all, but frankly, we feel there are more pressing issues the mainstream media have been unwilling to discuss. We're talking about lifestyle change -- culture shock.
If The Diesel plans to hang his hat in Dallas, he needs to be prepared to make some compromises. This is something O'Neal, with his Texas-sized ego and sense of entitlement, isn't always willing to do. So, how will things play out for Shaq if the trade goes through? Hard to say. But when has that ever stopped us?
We all know about the Big Fella's desire to move into law enforcement when his playing days conclude. After all, he did graduate with flying colors from the L.A. Sheriff's Department training academy (Shaq is now a reservist with the L.A. port police).
"I feel very confident that with our training, Shaq is a very well-rounded officer," said Detta Roberts, a captain in the L.A. Sheriff's Dept. Reserve Forces Bureau. "He took his studies very seriously." But that's not the only reason L.A.'s loss could be Dallas' gain.
Cattle blocking the interstate? Shaq's big enough to move them. And considering his deep pockets and penchant for gift giving, we're pretty sure he'll juice up the Dallas P.D.'s annual Christmas party and Secret Santa gift exchange.
Best of all, Dallas' donut industry will immediately come to life, as citywide bakers attempt to gain favor with the town's newest shield by presenting him with oversized, Texas-style crullers. That's a lot of fried dough to inspect, but if we know the Big Fella, he's up for checking out each and every one.
It also has been a while since Shaq graced the world with a new CD. But with a change of scenery, O'Neal could decide to lay down some fresh tracks. Would his rapping style go over well with the folks in Dallas? Perhaps if he goes a little less hip-hop and a little more Travis Tritt, things could be right as rain. Despite the chest thumping, isn't his heart just a little achy-breaky about leaving Los Angeles?
So c'mon, Big Fella! String up that gee-tar and let it all out.
Country music star Toby Keith's new album, "Shock'n Y'all," sounds awfully close to "Shaq'n Y'all." Hardly a coincidence.
What about movies? We all know Shaq's quite the actor (cough-cough). The nearby studios at Las Colinas should be quite accommodating if he were itching to make "Kazaam II."
It doesn't stop there. For the last eight years, we've watched Lakers' postgame press conferences and wondered the exact same thing: Where in the world does Shaq find a size 58 regular, '70s style plaid suit with matching "Rudy from Fat Albert" hat? Seriously. Damn! The man's got his own ... style. Given Hollywood's penchant for eclectic, attention-grabbing garb, Shaq fits in just fine in L.A., but will his fashion styling sit pretty with the Texas locals?
Dallas is no City of Angels, but it is surprisingly cosmopolitan. Owen and Luke Wilson are Dallas natives and visit often. And Erykah Badu recently opened a nightclub in Dallas. However, Shaq might have to widen his appeal, and "cowboy up," so to speak.
Let's start with footwear. Taking a cue from (possibly) ex-teammate Karl Malone, Shaq should head directly to the folks over at Lucchese for some custom boots. According to Lucchese customer service manager Margie Davis, the Mailman leads the NBA in Lucchese boot ownership, with about 100 pairs. They've made boots for LBJ (yep, the former President), Ah-nold and the sultan of Brunei, among others, and would be more than happy to outfit The Diesel with a custom template of his gigantic feet for $600. The actual high-end boots will run him about $2,600.
Unfortunately, "there are no big-and-tall stores for chaps," says Michael Granberry, of the Dallas Morning News' Texas Living department. So it's back to the custom-made drawing board. But for a guy making $30 million or so a year, that's not a problem.
So there you have it. Shaq remade himself once when he left the Magic Kingdom. He can remake himself again -- still The Diesel, but Texified. Because even though Texas is big, Shaq is still bigger.