Im having a hard time with this obsession that I might be gay. I know that normally sounds like Im gay, but here me out. So, as long as I can remember Ive always been attracted to girls. I remember being in elementary school and being hopelessly in love with this one girl and she never reciprocated. I remember looking at porn when I was ten and doing it religiously ever since. I had a serious girlfriend for 2.5 years after high school who I had sex with a lot and Ive had relationships on and off ever since and more recently I was with a girl that I was deeply in love with but things didnt pan out and Ive been having a hard time since.
But, heres the thing. I also have had OCD since 7th grade and part of my obsessions were gay thoughts. They werent like pleasant gay thoughts that I was afraid of having. It was just random flashes of dudes fucking or whatever, but never in a way that made me feel any sort of sexual feeling towards it. I started taking medication for my OCD and that kind of went away as well as my other OCD symptoms. But I started to develop a pretty deep depression that persisted all the way up until halfway through college in which I just couldnt take the depression anymore and I quit my medication. Everything was good, but then the thoughts started coming back.
Ive always had pretty low self-esteem and pretty shit luck with the ladies so Ive always found myself comparing myself to other dudes that looked good and were doing well with ladies. But as my depression cleared up and some of my OCD symptoms crept back in more and more of these thoughts came back. Ive tried to indulge them. Ive tried masturbating to gay porn or to dudes, but to no avail. Im not really worried about being gay, Im just worried about not knowing what I am. I honestly couldnt give a shit. Yeah, being straight would be a lot easier, but honestly I never felt like or was made to feel like I couldnt be gay and be happy. The nature of my OCD just makes me obsess about this issue in particular. It has gotten to the point where Ill be hanging out with guys alone (for whom) Ive never felt anything for and then Ill get thoughts like Youre alone with this dude are you gonna make out with him but the thought of that doesnt do anything for me sexually. There is also this dude at work that is objectively attractive. Ive tried thinking about him in a sexual way just as a test but that doesnt really yield anything. I just obsess about what if I thought about him in a sexual way. Its weird and hard to explain but I just needed to put it all out there. Ive done some research on the topic and came across a lot of stuff about sexual orientation obsessions and OCD.
I just figured Id pose this to you guys and see what you guys all think.