Well, I'm not really sure where to start. I guess I'll give some background info. I started having sex at a young age - twelve to be specific. At the time I was a bit pressured into it, but eventually I found myself having more and more sex with more and more people. I'm not sure I'd qualify it as a sex addiction, I just really did and do enjoy it.
Anyways, I had some relationships here and there, but rarely did they last for very long. Now and then though something more serious would come along. My first truly long relationship came about with this wonderful girl I met and hit it off with. We got along great and we ended up dating for four years. The thing is, part way through our relationship circumstances came about that caused us to have to do a bit of a distance thing. We saw each other some still, but not even on a weekly basis. This sort of got me started on cheating. I'm not going to use the distance as validation for what I did, but it is what led me down the path. The thing is though - I never got caught. I had a few close calls, but I always managed to talk my way out of it and she always believed me. I'm also fairly intelligent, so with each mistake I learned one more thing to be careful about. After four years we eventually broke up. It was mutual, though still tough. I knew it was best as did she, but it was like losing a best friend.
As I mentioned before, I got very good at cheating and hiding it. I would look for girls I didn't know from cities a bit further out. I'd use semi-false pretenses by pretending I was someone else. Not in appearance mind you, but certainly in name and life story. I would always say I didn't use much social media because "it causes drama" or "it's a waste of time" to explain why they couldn't find me on most of them. At most, the closest they'd get to the real me is my actual phone number. Otherwise it was fake name, fake life, etc. I would keep my fake life fairly closely related to my actual one so it would seem real, keeping a lot of the bigger details accurate but changing names, locations, and othe rmiscellaneous and unimportant information. Some people out there know me as James, Jordan, Logan, Cal, Kyle, etc. At times it would get complicated, but if I ever made a mistake, a girl got too pushy, etc. I was able to easily cut ties as they didn't know any real information about me.
Now, after the break up I spent a bit of time just enjoying single life, but about half a year later I found another great connection. Me and her were like fireworks. I fell hard and fast for her when we started dating. I'd say our relationship escalated a lot faster than most, but it worked for us. It still does. We've now been together for about four years. We're engaged and I love her, I truly do.
The issue is I never completely stopped cheating.. I've cut out a lot of it, in fact I don't actively seek out new girls really. But, and this is a big one, one girl in particular has lingered. In fact, we first got together before I'd ever met my fiance. We've "been together" longer, but she still went through the same series of lies all the others did too. It's strange, I feel like she's one of my best friends - she's the closest to knowing the real me of any girl I cheated with before. Still, I don't love her in the way I love my fiance. She does not know the true me, name or anything. I've managed to string her along in my precarious situation with just enough convincing lies to keep things going though. We don't meet up often, but when we do we go at it with reckless abandon still. When we aren't together we'll sneak in phone calls. My fiance will be gone for awhile and I might spend six hours on the phone with this other girl about our days, lives, anything that comes to mind. We'll have phone sex too, video chat sex, share videos or pictures of ourselves going at it, etc. But we also enjoy just having normal conversations, sending normal pictures, talking or video chatting for hours, anything we can manage. We do this stuff all the time, yet through it all I know I love my fiance. I know my fiance is the only girl that has ever made me as happy as I am now.
...but I can't bring myself to stop. Many times I've told myself I would. I'd set deadlines and broke them. I've threatened to "break up" with her and she'll talk me into staying. It's crazy, because though I don't love her like I love my fiance, I care for her still. She's one of my best friends even though it's built on lies. I know her life inside and out, and though she might not know my name or my true life, I feel like she knows me. She knows how I think and feel. When something's wrong she can tell. When I have a bad day she's glad to listen. It hurts to think about losing her. It hurts even more to think about losing my fiance. My fiance is always here for me. Even on my worst days she's here for me. We live together, we go out on dates all the time, we plan our wedding, we watch movies and tv shows. I can't wait to marry her.
It's just..I've never been caught. So, I guess, I haven't HAD to lose either..
I'm a terrible person, I know. It's not at the level of some of the crazy shit I've read in here, but it's my life. It eats me up sometimes not telling anyone. Not even my absolute closest friend knows. It's such a huge part of my life and nobody knows. I'm not sure what I'm looking for in typing this. Probably nothing. I know everyone will say I'm horrible. I tell myself that all the time. I guess I'm just glad to have gotten it off my chest.
TLDR; I have a fiance and a girlfriend of more than four years each. I love my fiance, but I also care for my girlfriend. I am a terrible person.