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[BladeoftheImmortal]

Too late.

this person can pm me any time.

 

[Professor Beef]

/r/tributeme

nsfw

...that's enough internet for tonight

 

[FZZ]

I have an utter facination and fetish for cum. When my ex-boyfriend and I were going out I would BEG for him to cum inside me even though I wasn't on birth control and did not want to procreate. I was obsessed with the sensation of him pulsing inside me and the wetness as it would leak out later on. There were a few times where I would wrap my legs around him and try to hold him insideright as he was about to pull out. Some weird animalistic part of me is brought on by when my man has an orgasm. I watch cumshot porn almost exclusively, I give head because I love the sensation of my man exploding down my throat. If he pulls out and cums on my belly or ass I feel waves of disappointment. I could go on but I don't want to gross anyone out.

I have a fetish for cumming inside girls. I think the appeal is purely based on our sexual instincts but idk. Good luck to whoever this is.

 

[Evilisk]

I knew I shouldn't have eaten anything before reading this thread

 

[shacklesmcgee]

Cum and horse shit.

Awesome.

Lmfao

 

[-PXG-]

Hahahaha

Now that I think about it, for some odd reason, I end up finding girls who want me to blast inside em. Yeah......nope....... Did it once, felt great, but never again. I ain't getting no one pregnant.

 

[KidJr]

Too fetish girl- its really normal, it's not even a fetish I'd say the thought of cuming inside a girl is a normal biological instinct.


Too cheater - I will edit this later with a story, happy to share it with you all but use it as a lesson (I'm at work at the moment about to head off to the Hawksmoore for lunch.. lucky me!!)

 

[terrisus]

I've never used a condom, birth control, or anything else.
My wife has never gotten pregnant.

My life sucks.
(Well, for a variety of reasons. That's one of them though)

 

[Mully]

This guy is Shoenice22.

 

[-Horizon-]

Too late.

:3c

Nope.

 

[TangerineCloud]

I have an utter facination and fetish for cum. When my ex-boyfriend and I were going out I would BEG for him to cum inside me even though I wasn't on birth control and did not want to procreate. I was obsessed with the sensation of him pulsing inside me and the wetness as it would leak out later on. There were a few times where I would wrap my legs around him and try to hold him insideright as he was about to pull out. Some weird animalistic part of me is brought on by when my man has an orgasm. I watch cumshot porn almost exclusively, I give head because I love the sensation of my man exploding down my throat. If he pulls out and cums on my belly or ass I feel waves of disappointment. I could go on but I don't want to gross anyone out.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE CONFESSION

 

[Fireblend]

Too late.

That grossed you out? Confessor, by all means, do go on >_>

 

[Rest]

I have an utter facination and fetish for cum. When my ex-boyfriend and I were going out I would BEG for him to cum inside me even though I wasn't on birth control and did not want to procreate. I was obsessed with the sensation of him pulsing inside me and the wetness as it would leak out later on. There were a few times where I would wrap my legs around him and try to hold him insideright as he was about to pull out. Some weird animalistic part of me is brought on by when my man has an orgasm. I watch cumshot porn almost exclusively, I give head because I love the sensation of my man exploding down my throat. If he pulls out and cums on my belly or ass I feel waves of disappointment. I could go on but I don't want to gross anyone out.

So, you're not on the pill and you don't want to have a baby, but you baby rape your boyfriend? You say you don't want to go on, but this is too confusing. Please send an update with more details.

 

[Borgnine]

More cumfessions pls.

 

[Mineshaft_Gap]

Holy shit at the shit eating one.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Put off writing this one for a while, because this is something I've been afraid of confessing even anonymously. And I think this'll seem tame compared to some of the other stuff, but it's something that troubles me on a daily basis.

See, in my personal life, I like to consider myself a fairly liberal feminist gamer. I'm pro-choice, bought Leigh Alexander's book and contributed to Feminist Frequency as shows of support for the current insanity online, and seek out games from a female perspective or with major female characters. But all of my "support" is quiet and unvoiced, because of my other major hobby besides gaming: I write rape fanfiction.

And by "write," I don't mean "I wrote it at one point years ago when I was younger and stupider." I mean that I am currently an active writer of fanfic, all focused around one fandom and with the frequent plot thread of the female characters being raped or mind-controlled into submission. I've actually stopped doing it several times, each time deciding it was an unhealthy hobby and I should let it go. But I always come back, mostly because - and I know this is kinda like being, in the words of Jeff Gerstmann, the "best shit eater" - I'm apparently very good at it. I receive a lot of positive comments on sites where I post my work (a good portion of the commenters being female, a fact that surprised me a little when I found out) and I've had a few people tell me that I should set up a Patreon because they'd gladly pay me for my work. Recently I even had a commenter say that they were "fan-girling out" because I responded to one of their comments, a fact both gratifying and really, really strange to me.

TBH, until recently I never really felt all that much shame about all of this. I don't write stories like these and gleefully think to myself, "Yeah, that'll teach those women for not going out with me!" In my mind, it's all just a fantasy involving fictional characters, and I believe that the kind of person who would even think about seeing the sorts of things I depict in my stories and doing them in real life is the worst kind of monster.

Then all this craziness started happening in the past few months. Women being targeted and harassed on a daily basis. I mostly keep to myself online (aside from my writing, I don't post all that much, and I only have a Twitter account to follow other people and never post to it myself), but I've never felt a greater urge than now to speak up and show support for the people being targeted by these fuckers.

But while I post my stories under a pen name, I've (stupidly) told my real name and given out my personal email address to several fans. At least one of which I have since cut off communications with due to them creeping me out just a bit (and as a guy who writes rape fanfiction, creeping me out is a pretty noteworthy achievement.) And I worry that at least one of these people might have gotten caught up in this, and the possibility of them "outing" me should I ever speak up against this movement is a very real and terrifying prospect. As much for what it might do to my own personal life as for the possibility of people on the "other side" being able to point to me and say, "Well, look at who you've got on YOUR side! You seen the messed-up shit this guy writes?"

And so I watch as women are being driven from their homes and harassed into silence, and I feel like a pathetic coward. This whole thing has left me legitimately depressed over the past few weeks, to the point of losing sleep. I know that my one voice in all of this probably wouldn't make that much of a difference, but the fact that I feel muzzled by my shameful hobby haunts me every day.

So there's my shameful secret. Probably not as bad as some of the other ones (seriously, fuck that dog guy), but nice to get off my chest even if, in the end, it changes nothing.

Not sure what to say.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I've sent in a confession or two in the old thread, but this is the first one for this thread. What this is about: I am worried I might have helped ruin my sister's life, or at least start her on a bad path. This is a bit longer than it should be, but I don't really know what to cut. Sorry in advance.

My sister is two and a half years younger than me. When I was eleven, my parents got divorced. We lived with my dad primarily over the winters because he did not work in the colder seasons as a construction worker. The second winter living with him, my sister was pretty badly beaten by him because he thought she was going to run away and leave the house. The cops were called and we did not live with him ever again. I think my sister lost faith in father figures at that point. She never trusted my mom's boyfriend and eventual husband. She does not listen to him to this day.

After that incident, there were several times where I would lose myself to anger over stupid shit she did. I have worked pretty darn hard over the years to control my anger and I really feel like now I have it in a better place than I used to. But it does not change the fact that I really messed up with her years ago. I hit her once for making fun of me in front of a friend, and another time I went through her room and destroyed as much as I could because she wore a shirt of mine. I feel terrible about it now looking back at it. They were simple things that certainly did not deserve physical altercations but that is what happened.

Through high school I pretty much ignored her. I yelled at her and made fun of her and was an all around mean person to her. I figured my things out growing up without much help, I always thought she would be able to as well. Around the same time, my mother and step-dad got married and had two kids. They did not have as much time for her as they should have and could have. She was always an attention hound and when she was going through junior high it started to get worse. She would do things to get in trouble on purpose just to get attention. She started breaking rules just because. Her sophomore year she found Jesus and became ultra-religious and judgmental. It lasted all of six months before she went back to her old ways, and worse. She ended up quitting sports and started drinking with friends. Skipping school and smoking weed. She barely graduated high school and dropped out of college after two weeks to instead work and spend all her money on clothes, shoes, drugs, and alcohol.

I live six hours away and have talked to her a grand total of probably five times in the last year. Whenever I am home she is either in her room sleeping during the day or out with friends at night. I have called her once and she did not return my call for three days. And even that was with a text. I want to apologize for what I did to her years ago, and try to help her through whatever it is she is going through, but I have absolutely no idea how. I can't be unique in this situation. I want to help but I have no idea how.

Someone please help the abusive ass who wishes to change his ways and seek forgiveness and reconcile with his sister.

Sorry, I`m in a foul mood today.

Edit: Look man, just go there and talk to her. Drive the six hours and talk to her in person, be honest and truthful. You fucked up. Go fix it. As your older brother, it was your job to look out for her and you dropped the ball.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Nothing really disturbing, but whatever.

I hate asexuals.

I know I shouldn't, but every single one of them have treated me like absolute shit. I had a "friend" (who I have cut contact with) named Elise who would constantly shame people about sexuality. She wanted more asexual representation in the media.

She got one of my friends to try and commit suicide with bleach (he's alive and well, but it took him months to recover) and took over a site that I loved very much. She would constantly guilt people into doing stuff that benefited mostly her and nobody else.

Another one of my friends became her slave basically. While she (used to be a boy, although wants to be acknowledged as a girl) had the same powers as Elise on the site, she really had no say in fear of insulting Elise. Elise would also claim tons of crazy shit, like being raped constantly and having a child as a teenager; we still don't know what's true and what's completely bullshit (we found a fanfic that mirrors everything she's claimed about herself that was published years before she entered our lives)

She also had another boy-to-girl accomplice and while she shared Elise's views she wasn't being guilted into it. She was actually sort of a lunatic, claiming everything was part of a story and that we couldn't say certain words not because they triggered her but because they were "arc words".

All three I still hate with a passion today. One less than others since she's come forward with her actions, but she seems to deny any of it was her fault when she brought the other two into power despite knowing damn well they weren't good for the site.

You shouldn`t judge an entire segment of the population because of the actions of one psychotic piece of shit.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I automatically dismiss certain posts if I don’t like the username and/or avatar of the poster. Like straight up, I don’t even read them half the time, and if I do, I automatically think they are wrong or lying or whatever. Any username with numbers in it. Names that don’t have proper capitalization. Avatars associated to video games(LOL, I know know, this is gaf). Especially those terrible old school 2-d games

You monster.

 

[John Kowalski]

I have an utter facination and fetish for cum. When my ex-boyfriend and I were going out I would BEG for him to cum inside me even though I wasn't on birth control and did not want to procreate. I was obsessed with the sensation of him pulsing inside me and the wetness as it would leak out later on. There were a few times where I would wrap my legs around him and try to hold him insideright as he was about to pull out. Some weird animalistic part of me is brought on by when my man has an orgasm. I watch cumshot porn almost exclusively, I give head because I love the sensation of my man exploding down my throat. If he pulls out and cums on my belly or ass I feel waves of disappointment. I could go on but I don't want to gross anyone out.

Bree Olson posts on gaf? That's new.

 

[Rest]

Put off writing this one for a while, because this is something I've been afraid of confessing even anonymously. And I think this'll seem tame compared to some of the other stuff, but it's something that troubles me on a daily basis.

See, in my personal life, I like to consider myself a fairly liberal feminist gamer. I'm pro-choice, bought Leigh Alexander's book and contributed to Feminist Frequency as shows of support for the current insanity online, and seek out games from a female perspective or with major female characters. But all of my "support" is quiet and unvoiced, because of my other major hobby besides gaming: I write rape fanfiction.

And by "write," I don't mean "I wrote it at one point years ago when I was younger and stupider." I mean that I am currently an active writer of fanfic, all focused around one fandom and with the frequent plot thread of the female characters being raped or mind-controlled into submission. I've actually stopped doing it several times, each time deciding it was an unhealthy hobby and I should let it go. But I always come back, mostly because - and I know this is kinda like being, in the words of Jeff Gerstmann, the "best shit eater" - I'm apparently very good at it. I receive a lot of positive comments on sites where I post my work (a good portion of the commenters being female, a fact that surprised me a little when I found out) and I've had a few people tell me that I should set up a Patreon because they'd gladly pay me for my work. Recently I even had a commenter say that they were "fan-girling out" because I responded to one of their comments, a fact both gratifying and really, really strange to me.

TBH, until recently I never really felt all that much shame about all of this. I don't write stories like these and gleefully think to myself, "Yeah, that'll teach those women for not going out with me!" In my mind, it's all just a fantasy involving fictional characters, and I believe that the kind of person who would even think about seeing the sorts of things I depict in my stories and doing them in real life is the worst kind of monster.

Then all this craziness started happening in the past few months. Women being targeted and harassed on a daily basis. I mostly keep to myself online (aside from my writing, I don't post all that much, and I only have a Twitter account to follow other people and never post to it myself), but I've never felt a greater urge than now to speak up and show support for the people being targeted by these fuckers.

But while I post my stories under a pen name, I've (stupidly) told my real name and given out my personal email address to several fans. At least one of which I have since cut off communications with due to them creeping me out just a bit (and as a guy who writes rape fanfiction, creeping me out is a pretty noteworthy achievement.) And I worry that at least one of these people might have gotten caught up in this, and the possibility of them "outing" me should I ever speak up against this movement is a very real and terrifying prospect. As much for what it might do to my own personal life as for the possibility of people on the "other side" being able to point to me and say, "Well, look at who you've got on YOUR side! You seen the messed-up shit this guy writes?"

And so I watch as women are being driven from their homes and harassed into silence, and I feel like a pathetic coward. This whole thing has left me legitimately depressed over the past few weeks, to the point of losing sleep. I know that my one voice in all of this probably wouldn't make that much of a difference, but the fact that I feel muzzled by my shameful hobby haunts me every day.

So there's my shameful secret. Probably not as bad as some of the other ones (seriously, fuck that dog guy), but nice to get off my chest even if, in the end, it changes nothing.

Everyone has rape fantasies, male and female. If you don't believe me ask a psychologist. Having a rape fantasy isn't hateful of the subject of rape if you're looking at it from the point of view of the perpetrator, and it's not hateful of yourself if you're looking at it from the point of view of being raped.

Actually writing rape fiction would not be something that I'd be shouting from the rooftops though, and if real life I would definitely keep this to yourself, but only because of how others will react to it. I can't imagine any kind of positive reaction.

 

[Meesh]

Subbed, interesting thread to say the least.

 

[Stet]

the phrase "my man" makes me cringe so bad. that's my confession.

 

[terrisus]

I automatically dismiss certain posts if I don’t like the username and/or avatar of the poster. Like straight up, I don’t even read them half the time, and if I do, I automatically think they are wrong or lying or whatever. Any username with numbers in it. Names that don’t have proper capitalization. Avatars associated to video games(LOL, I know know, this is gaf). Especially those terrible old school 2-d games

Well, that's it for me >.>

 

[Dawg]

the phrase "my man" makes me cringe so bad. that's my confession.

my man

 

[-Horizon-]

You monster.

Looks like I passed

 

[Magwik]

Well, that's it for me >.>

I still cannot comprehend someone coming to a videogame forum and dismissing posters who like video games and have their avatars related to it. Like, really?

 

[Mineshaft_Gap]

Didn't realize the confessor was a guy. Nvm

 

[Mineshaft_Gap]

Public confession. I hate all guys named Aiden and all girls named Megan.

 

[NeOak]

You monster.

Confessor, Reddit is that way ------->>>

 

[John Kowalski]

the phrase "my man" makes me cringe so bad. that's my confession.

mein humin

 

[terrisus]

Public confession. I hate all guys named Aiden

Spoiler

Hey, the main character's named Alaron. Aidyn is just the name of the land that it's set in. And, it's spelled differently anyway >.>

 

[The Last Emperor]

Your a scrub

 

[dani_dc]

You monster.

The most disgusting confession in this thread.

 

[kneePat]

ITT: people not knowing that Intrusive thoughts are mostly normal, and they not acting on them is the corrective action.

Nothing more is required if you can apply corrective actions (restraint, remorse, shame, anxiety, reconciliation, reasoning..etc), but first you must trust yourself to do this. If you don't believe you can be trusted, then seek help, and let professionals help you understand if and how you can begin to.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I suffer from second hand or "vicarious" trauma, which is basically trauma from hearing about other people's suffering: for example, seeing a story about a brutal rape on the evening news can have an impact on me lasting for months or even years. The symptoms are the same as post-traumatic stress order – numbness of the body and mind, difficulty sleeping, having to avoid certain words or "triggers" that remind me too much of it, intrusive thoughts (even causing me to shake and vomit) and vivid nightmares. This has had a devastating impact on me for years, and no psychologist or psychiatrist has been able to make a difference so far, even though I'm heavily medicated with anti-depressants. I feel sick and helpless with anger about not being able to do anything to help other people, or protect myself from the impact, and I'm just about at the end of my tether. I don't know how many other people are affected so strongly by something that isn't even about them, but it doesn't feel like there are many who react as badly as I do. This is ruining my life.

That sounds genuinely awful, Confessor. How common a condition is this?

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Super tame one coming up, just have to get some feelings out into the world.
Anyway, a couple months ago, girlfriend of three years ended the relationship. Leaving me pretty broken hearted. I've had relationships end before, but not with a girl I"ve cared for this much. You know the whole cliche of I trust her completely, kindred spirits, all that jazz. So like I said this left me in a pretty bad space, now I haven't totally come out of whatever depression it threw me into but, everyday I get a little stronger.

Now onto my problem, I'm having some major trouble letting go of her, and what we had. She and I have had some minor contact since then break up, basically pleasantries on her end, and confession of feelings on my end. She's never really reciprocated the feelings talk during all of this, and she seems to be moving on. Which is cool, it just leaves me feeling upset because I'm not, or I can't, move on that is. I've been trying to, been hanging out with friends, going to work, indulging in hobbies, doing normal people things. But at the end of the day, I'm always left wanting. It feels like no matter what I can't fill the hole that she left in my life.

Long story short, feeling sad over the proverbial one that got away. Man I hope things get better.

It will get better. Just ride it out. In time, you'll meet someone else, someone better.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

I am a compulsive liar. And yes, that may undermine your trust in the following - so i'll limit to to things related to lying.
This is probably too tame, seen the rest of the thread, but, oh, well.
Since i was a kid, i realized lies don't actually hurt anyone, if well done. I'm probably wrong on that.
I don't lie about anything big, or relevant, but i'll costantly, COSTANTLY, massage the truth to my advantage in all situations. Mostly, i'll just conveniently lie by omission to avoid having a conversation go where i don't want it. Others, just a little number change. Others, a "Yes, it happened, but it wasn't really a <whatever>", instead of a "No, never did that".
I don't even know why i do it anymore. I think i just enjoy weaving a complex web of small-time lies, and curating the consistency of all subgroups of people that come across that.
I'm pretty well known, in my social circles, as a "Know-It-All", a well of science. Well, 99.5% of it is lies. I don't actually know what i'm talking about, i just make well-meaning guesses. They're usually, but not always, spot on.
I know everyone does some of that, but i cannot remember the last, if there's ever been one, conversation that was about myself that i didn't lie in.
For some things, i internalized the lies about my past so well i fully believe they're my own past. There's girls i had 'kind-of-relationships' in high school, that i basically completely rewrote in my memory (And in one case, hers too) how the whole thing had gone down.
I've completely rewritten some traumatic memories about health issues.
I'm starting to get worried here, that was about lying in general conversations and enjoying it - Oh, well.
In all my friends, including several wannabe psychologists, only a pair of my closest have catched on, and both of them engage in the same, constant, massaging.
The only one i've actually told this is my little brother, who used to be my greatest follower. Now, he doesn't believe a word of what i say, no matter what, no matter the circumstance. I can't tell anyone else, i can't have that happen again. Not even online. I won't have <MyOnlineHandle> known as a liar. I am not a liar. I just massage truths just enough until they don't start becoming lies. I am not a liar.

Are... are you lying right now?

 

[NeOak]

Are... are you lying right now?

That is the question...

 

[NCR Redslayer]

Are... are you lying right now?

.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

So I'm 19 now, but in my earlier teens before I was sexually active I had some queries regarding the opposite gender. I just didn't really get pussies, like apparently they had a distinct smell and they were awesome. I didn't really feel comfortable asking anyone about it so to quell the confusion stirring within me I thought I'd seek out some answers. My sister had just come out of the shower and she left her panties on the radiator, I saw this as a golden opportunity to find the answers I was looking for. I sniffed them, and I jerked off after. Now gaf, my question is do you think that this is incestuous or just curiousity? I've been running over it every now and then for a few years and I would like some input. I did like the smell but I didn't really get off on the fact that it was hers it was more that it was pussy, and I like pussy. As far as I'm aware I have no desire to bang my sister, but I gotta say this is kinda weird.

I would imagine that if you have no desire to bang your sister, it wasn't incest, but it was really... really weird?

I'm just, I dunno.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Bree Olson posts on gaf? That's new.

I'm now imagining Bree Olsen saying this and I have a humongous boner.

Edit: Wait, I confused her with Alison Brie.

Who I am now imagining saying that.

 

[TheKaeptain]

Public confession. I hate all guys named Aiden and all girls named Megan.

Aidan is cool though right? Because who could hate my son?

 

[The Last Emperor]

Aidan is cool though right? Because who could hate my son?

Your son sounds insufferable

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

I was gonna say that confession with the dog, why does everyone assume it's a guy?

Sounds more like a girl...

 

[HGStormy]

You monster.

Confessor probably hates my guts.
Maybe I should change my avatar to an anime girl

 

[Evilisk]

I am a compulsive liar. And yes, that may undermine your trust in the following - so i'll limit to to things related to lying.
This is probably too tame, seen the rest of the thread, but, oh, well.
Since i was a kid, i realized lies don't actually hurt anyone, if well done. I'm probably wrong on that.
I don't lie about anything big, or relevant, but i'll costantly, COSTANTLY, massage the truth to my advantage in all situations. Mostly, i'll just conveniently lie by omission to avoid having a conversation go where i don't want it. Others, just a little number change. Others, a "Yes, it happened, but it wasn't really a <whatever>", instead of a "No, never did that".
I don't even know why i do it anymore. I think i just enjoy weaving a complex web of small-time lies, and curating the consistency of all subgroups of people that come across that.
I'm pretty well known, in my social circles, as a "Know-It-All", a well of science. Well, 99.5% of it is lies. I don't actually know what i'm talking about, i just make well-meaning guesses. They're usually, but not always, spot on.
I know everyone does some of that, but i cannot remember the last, if there's ever been one, conversation that was about myself that i didn't lie in.
For some things, i internalized the lies about my past so well i fully believe they're my own past. There's girls i had 'kind-of-relationships' in high school, that i basically completely rewrote in my memory (And in one case, hers too) how the whole thing had gone down.
I've completely rewritten some traumatic memories about health issues.
I'm starting to get worried here, that was about lying in general conversations and enjoying it - Oh, well.
In all my friends, including several wannabe psychologists, only a pair of my closest have catched on, and both of them engage in the same, constant, massaging.
The only one i've actually told this is my little brother, who used to be my greatest follower. Now, he doesn't believe a word of what i say, no matter what, no matter the circumstance. I can't tell anyone else, i can't have that happen again. Not even online. I won't have <MyOnlineHandle> known as a liar. I am not a liar. I just massage truths just enough until they don't start becoming lies. I am not a liar.

You're definitely a liar (provided if this is true. If not, well, you're still technically a liar for making this post )

I can sympathise with the part about your brother though (if it's true). I lied a lot when I was really young (mostly in regards to food, and whether I'd taken extra or something) and some family members still just can't trust me around food.

Also, lying to make things convenient for you is one thing, but lying even to yourself and changing memories to make things better for you? Don't do that, if you're not going to be honest with anyone else idk at least be honest to yourself. Again this applies to you if this confession is even remotely true. If not a single shred of this is true, well congratulations, you managed to get me to waste my time typing this post.

I was gonna say that confession with the dog, why does everyone assume it's a guy?

Sounds more like a girl...

I assume it's because of this part:

When I was a teenager, I wasn't popular with the girls due to a severe acne problem.

It's not conclusive at all but I know I thought that same (that it was a guy) because of this part

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

Dearest gaf, I'm inebriated, but please read this sincere. I don't know where to turn or who to talk to so if you have some morsel of genuine advice I'd really like to know.

I'm trapped. Trapped in a marriage with kids and a wife whom I'm not sure can say she genuinely loves me if ever. We fight, argue regularly over dumb shit but make up and stay together to keep some meager semblance of stability for our kids who I'd do anything for. When do I get to be happy? When do I wake up and know this was the life I was meant to live? I don't know what to do...

We got married young, too young to know what was what...but now I feel our differences outweigh our similarities, our goals. I need someone's advice who knows or suspects they know what it means to not be in love, but care at least for the one they're with even though it feels as though they stab them all over with the pains of incompatibility. I'm lost gaf. ..and just want to be happy.

If no one can respond...I understand. I at least wanted to be heard.

Dude... did you... did you send this from your wife's e-mail account?

 

[Magwik]

Dude... did you... did you send this from your wife's e-mail account?

I really hope he didn't

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

TLDR: Dude has had a shitty life, not many friends, insecure and introverted, self-diagnosed as a psychopath (he's not, lol), and needs to see a therapist as he may be heading towards a breakdown.

I have spent the last 4 years suffering from severe depression, and I really don't see an end in sight. I won't give a specific age, but I'm over 20 years old and currently almost done with college. This will probably read like an emo teenager's diary, so I apologize for that ahead of time.

My life has been pretty fucked up, stretching back to being a kid. Between the ages of 3 and 8-ish, my father would beat me on a semi-regular basis. I didn't have it TOO bad, as he never hit me hard enough to leave any physical signs, but it still hurt more than anything else I knew of at that age. The thing is that in retrospect, he seemed to be looking for reasons to beat me most of the time. Spilled a glass of milk? Beaten. My sister hit me and I hit her back? Beaten (but not her). Ran around or was too loud? Beaten. Whether it was because of this, or other things, I became a fairly angry/violent child. In kindergarten (the first year of elementary/primary school for international GAFfers), I actually beat a kid until he was bleeding at one point. I don't remember this myself, but said kid actually grew to be a good friend of mine years later, and I don't doubt the legitimacy of the tale due to other things I recall doing back then. I kinda gained control over myself and my emotions in public during 1st grade, so thankfully I kinda turned things around. Over the rest of primary school, I wasn't a very popular person and very few people talked to me (whether due to the past or something else, I couldn't say). This resulted in me forcing myself into social circles of other kids, generally those who would bully me due to me being fat as they were the only ones talking to me. I would have to force myself into conversations and events in order to socialize at all, else I would be just sit in a corner by myself. Eventually, I grew to resent the fact that no one wanted to talk to me and that those people who I did talk to viewed me as completely obnoxious. At this age I was already someone who thoroughly enjoyed video games and I spent most of my free time playing them, so between that and my resentment of my "place" in society, I kinda shut myself off and stopped talking to people at about the end of primary school.

Come middle school/high school, I did meet and talk to a few people who became genuine, not asshole-ish friends, but they were few and far between, and I became more and more reclusive over the years, as few people ever wanted to hang out or invite me to anything. Through my reclusion, I also became a massive pop culture nerd, watching/playing/reading things for enjoyment, but also simply to understand references or "expand my repertoire". This had an unintended side effect of causing me to gain a pretty thorough sense of morality, as seeing the different characters and situations, I wouldn't just watch what happened in said piece of media, but I would imagine the best way to prevent the problem from occurring in the first place, the best way to solve the current problem, and the "why"s for both of them. I became interested in philosophy, not as a school subject, but as something to think about while I explored games or did some grinding. I began to analyze myself and others, why we do things, both on a physical and mental level, and I developed a solid understanding of the world (or at least what I know of it). Early high school became the happiest part of my life thus far, with my parents completely leaving me to my own devices at home, classes being ridiculously easy, and spending 99% of my time learning things, whether about physics, psychology, or as simple as what the plot of this one video game was.

Problems began to arise in my sophomore/junior year of high school, as "the dam broke" in regards to my emotions. During my reclusion I had become effectively psychopathic, not really feeling anything emotionally and I had been quite fine living like that. My sense of morality was almost entirely logic based, and it confused me how non-sensical other people could be. Anyways, the emotions started subtly, with me slowly growing discontent with my life and frustrated with small things, and then I started falling into a deep depression. This was sort of prevented (I still theorize that it was likely an emotional safety mechanism) by me having my first crush on a girl. While I had been physically interested in girls prior to this, this was the first time I ever really noticed one girl for any reason other than "oh, she has large boobs". I spent a good 6 months just completely crushing over this girl, one whom I didn't even know her name when it started, as I wasn't that social. This is where a lot of my modern problems arose, as now I had a massive crush on a girl, but not only had I become shy over the years, but I had (and still have) almost no social skills whatsoever. I didn't (and don't) know how to approach people and from what I can tell, most people either find me to be an asshole or incredibly annoying. As you can imagine, this resulted in me having a very teen sitcom-esque situation where I never talked to the girl (and I still haven't to this day).

Eventually the crush subsided and I realized that had I even talked to this chick, I really doubt we would have gotten along at all, so there was no foul. However, the whole scenario had caused me to become more aware of the people around me, less self-centered, more self-conscious, and completely opened me up to my emotions. This has not done me well in the long run. I became very aware of the negative views people had towards me (some I know, others simply suspected, its possible most of this is me projecting), and not only did I not know why people disliked me, my lack of social skills made it impossible to figure out or change their minds. I had a period where I really tried to be a better person, but this really seemed to get more people to avoid me, so I eventually gave up and went back to reclusiveness. This time, however, I wasn't a psychopath and a lot of things have been eating away at me. I have very few friends, and have not so much as had my first kiss. I see the rest of the (public) world oriented on partying and hookups, people constantly meeting new people and girls and guys showing interest in each other, and I'm just sitting here with only 3 real friends and never having a girl look twice at me, and I don't even have the memory of a functional family as a bright point in my life. In short, I feel completely abandoned and left behind, and it's killing me emotionally. The worst part is that I have become all too good at hiding how I feel from people, with good reason most of the time. As a default now, I answer my family's "I love you"s with "I love you, too"s that sound completely genuine, but are literally the biggest lies I could ever utter. All I really would like is a steady relationship where we would spend 90% of our time just chilling together in a living room or something, just having someone I would be close to. This isn't even the whole story, as I still haven't addressed how my father got addicted to drugs, blew most of my family's money, and now my family of 3 lives in a cramped one bedroom apartment, how my mother is an alcoholic, and my sister is a self-centered prissy monster but it's been hard enough even typing out this. Sorry for the wall of text and my bitching, GAF.

Go see a therapist. You need one.