Parch's fantasy dinner. Starring Connor "Do you want to win?" McDavid, McDavid's Agent (labelled as "Agent Guy"), Peter "I definitely don't get fleeced" Chiapet, and Daryl "I'll pay you to have sex with me" Katz.
SCENE: KATZ DINING ROOM. EVENING. THE STAGE IS SET, THE FOOD IS SERVED. CONNOR McDAVID IS SEATED AT THE END OF A COMICALLY LONG TABLE WITH HIS AGENT BY HIS SIDE. PETER CHI-CHI-CHI-CHIAPET IS SEATED AT THE OTHER END BY MILLIONAIRE OWNER AND ALLEGED CAVORTER DARYL KATZ. MR. KATZ'S SON IS HEARD SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT IN THE COMICALLY LARGE MANSION, LOCATED AT THE FANCIEST AREA OF EDMONTON - THE LOCAL GARBAGE DUMP.
SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER VIA TELEPHONE DUE TO THE LENGTH OF THE TABLE:
McDavid: I want $14 million per.
Agent Guy: Yeah, Connor wants $14 million.
Chiapet: That's awfully steep. Let me consult Mr. Katz.
CHIAPET MUTES THE PHONE.
Chiapet: Mr. Katz, Connor would like $14 million.
KATZ SIMPLY WAVES HIS HAND AT ONE OF HIS BUTLERS. SUDDENLY, THE WINDOWS AND DOORS ARE SHUT AND LOCKED.
Katz: Tell him we'll give him $5 million per and to be happy with it.
Chiapet: That's...a large chunk off his asking price, Emperor Rexall.
Katz: He'll have no choice but to choose to accept that salary, my Chiapet.
Chiapet: But why?
Katz: Think about it. He's out in the middle of nowhere with some guys he barely knows. He looks around, what does he see? Nothing but locked doors and this dinner table. ”Oh, there's nowhere for me to run, what am I gonna do, say no?"
Chiapet: Okay...that seems really dark though.
Katz: No, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me.
Chiapet: I think I am.
Katz: Yeah, you are. ‘Cause if Connor said no, then the answer obviously is no. The thing is that he's not gonna say no, he'd never say no...because of the implication.
Chiapet: Now, you said that word ”implication" a couple of times. What implication?
Katz: The implication that things might go wrong for him if he refuses to re-sign with us. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for him, but he's thinking that they will.
CONNOR LOOKS ACROSS THE TABLE WITH THE COMPLIMENTARY REXALL-BRAND BINOCULARS TO WITNESS WHAT'S BEEN A VERY ODD FEW MINUTES.
Chiapet: But it sounds like he doesn't want to re-sign with us.
Katz: Why aren't you understanding this? He doesn't know whether he wants to re-sign with us. That's not the issue.
Chiapet: Are you going to hurt Connor?
Katz: I'm not gonna hurt him. Why would I ever hurt him? I don't think you're getting this at all.
Chiapet: I'm not getting it.
Katz: God damn.
KATZ SEES CONNOR'S AGENT STARING AT HIM WITH THE REXALL-BRANDED BINOCULARS - PRESENTED BY ROGERS GAMECENTRE LIVE.
Katz: Don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger--
Chiapet: So he is in danger--
Katz: No one's in any danger! How can I make that any more clear for you, okay? It's the implication of danger!
SILENCE SETS IN BETWEEN THE TWO GROWN MEN FOR A MOMENT.
Katz: You know what? Let's drop it. Eat your steak and get out of here.
CONNOR IS SITTING WITH HIS SMARTPHONE HIDDEN FROM VIEW. 9-1-1 IS DIALED ON THE SCREEN, AWAITING HIS $14 MILLION AAV-SELF TO PRESS THE CALL BUTTON.
FINALLY, A RESPONSE FROM THE MAN HIMSELF.
Katz: Connor, do you want to keep playing in the NHL?
Connor: Yeah...why?
Katz: We can give you 14 or will match any offer, but do you want to win? We'll try our best, but it will be near impossible for any team to win a Stanley Cup when one player is eating that much salary cap. Other players have chosen to take a discount because they want to win, so it's up to you Connor. You want to get paid? Or do you want to win?
CONNOR SITS AND THINKS IT OVER FOR A MOMENT.
Connor: I'll take $14 million please.
KATZ, READY TO JUMP ACROSS THE TABLE TO KIDNAP HIS HOCKEY TEAM CAPTAIN WAS IMMEDIATELY RESTRAINED BY CHIAPET.
Chiapet: Remember that you can't just threaten people because they didn't sleep with you and take your money!
KATZ CALMS DOWN AND UNLOCKS THE DOORS AND WINDOWS AND PROMPTLY LEAVES. A FLICKER IN HIS EYES APPEAR, AS IF A LIGHTBULB HAD BEEN LIT IN HIS MIND, PRESENTED BY ROGERS SHARE EVERYTHING PLAN.
Katz: We'll discuss this another time.
Chiapet: We'll give you a call to schedule another meeting.
CONNOR GETS A CALL FROM AN UNKNOWN NUMBER. DESPITE HIS RESERVATIONS, HE ANSWERS.
Messier: Connor, it's Mess...
PARCH, WEARING ONE OF THOSE STUPID HALF-AND-HALF JERSEYS - IN THIS CASE, HALF-HABS, HALF-OILERS JERSEY - PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON MICROSOFT WORD.
"And McDavid signed for $1 Million dollars and won Stanley Cups. The end."
PARCH KISSES THE SCREEN, AND SAVES THE FILE - "FANTASY DINNER" - AND PROMPTLY UPLOADS IT TO FANFICTION.NET.
PARCH MASTURBATES TO HIS WRITING.