ALRIGHT ALRIGHT OKAY LET'S GO
NOW, YOU ALL KNOW I'M A GOD FEARIN' CANADIAN. GOD WOKE ME UP ONCE AN' TOLD ME I BETTER STOP HORSIN' 'ROUND AN' PLAY HOCKEY, OR ELSE I'D GET IT. SO I DID. YOU CAN WATCH MY STORY ON THE CBC TV MOVIES "KEEP YOUR HEAD UP KID: THE DON CHERRY STORY" AN' "WRATH OF GRAPES: THE DON CHERRY STORY II," EH.
ANYHOW, WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS HORSIN' 'ROUND, EH? DID GOD NOT PUT HIS WRATH IN ALL OF YOU YET? ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE - WHAT D'YA CALL 'EM -ELITISTS AN' DON'T BELIEVE IN THE LORD ALMIGHTY? OR WORSE, ARE YOU COMMIES? EH?
KINGS FAN, RANGERS FAN, LEAFS FAN (THE RIGHT CHOICE, EH), HABS FAN, WE'RE ALL FANS, EH. IT DON'T MATTER IF YOU'RE A GOOD ONTARIO KID (JUST KIDDIN', IT DOES MATTER), OR AN LA PUNK GUY OR SOMETHIN', WE'RE ALL WATCHIN' THE
WHITE RIGHT GAME, EH. IT DON'T MATTER IF A LOT OF FANS OF EITHER TEAM'S GONE WHEN THE PLAYOFFS ARE OVER. THEY HAD FUN WATCHIN', OR MAYBE NOT, BUT LEARNED SOMETHIN' ANYWAY. HOCKEY'S TO BE ENJOYED BY EVERYONE, AN' YOU ALL KNOW I AIN'T A RACIST, EH.
THE REAL ENEMY WE ALL GOTTA FIGHT AGAINST IS COMMUNISM, EH. IF YOU SEE ANYBODY READIN' THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO, YOU SWAT THAT BOOK AWAY FROM THEM AN' SET IT ON FIRE, THEN GIVE 'EM A COPY OF MY BOOK, "DON CHERRY'S HOCKEY STORIES AN' STUFF." THEY'LL BE APOLIGIZIN' IN NO TIME. YOU SEE COPIES OF THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO, AN' YOU SET IT ON FIRE. YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN OR MET ANYONE BURNIN' BOOKS THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A BAD GUY, EH.
NOW, WHY DON'T ALL YOU GUYS SHAKE HANDS, GO TO CHURCH, PRAY TO GOD AN' JESUS, AN' THEN RESPECTFULLY INSULT EACH OTHER'S MOTHERS AN' THE TEAMS YOU CHEER FOR, EH? IF YOU AIN'T A GOOD CATHOLIC, BETTER CONVERT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. IF YOU'RE A COMMIE, WELL, I FEEL BAD FOR YOU, EH.
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, WASHIN' MY HANDS WHEN A BUNCHA COMMIES RAN INSIDE A STALL. THEY WERE WATCHIN' KHL HOCKEY, CALLIN' EACH OTHER "CANADIAN FUR-TRAPPERS" - THEIR TERM FOR BANDWAGONERS - FOR ROOTIN' ON WHATEVER GODLESS TEAMS THEY HAVE IN RUSSIA, EH. BOY, I WAS STEAMED. THEY'RE IN THERE, "FUR-TRAPPIN'," AS THEY CALLED IT (I WASHED MY MOUTH WITH SOAP AFTER), AN' LEAVIN' A MESS ON THE CARPET 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF, EH. THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, A GROUP OF CANADIANS RAN INSIDE ANOTHER STALL, TOOK THEIR SHOES OFF, SHOOK EACH OTHERS' HANDS, THEN STARTED TALKIN' TRASH TO EACH OTHER WHILE WATCHIN' REAL NHL HOCKEY. THOSE COMMIES WERE SO EMBARRASSED, THEY RAN OUT, FORGOT TO WASH THEIR HANDS, AN' ENDED UP RIOTIN' ALL OVER RUSSIA AN' BEIN' DISTURBIN' AN' ALL THAT.
I WAS SO PROUD, THEM CANADIANS REMINDED ME OF BOBBY ORR. GOD LOVE 'EM.
