Sometimes I can't shake the feeling that white people like us, being around us for some...reason. I guess the "cool" factor or whatever it is they think we have. But they don't want anything to actually do with us, or grapple with issues we might have. It's always either pity or fear. I say this knowing that it's painting with broad strokes, but the other night some police officer followed me home when I was walking, pulled over and shone his search light on me. I stopped and turned around in disbelief and he got out of the car, squinted at me, got back in and just sat there. So I cut across the field towards my house and this guy drove off, only to come around the other side of the field and keep following me. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I honestly called my friend and told him to listen just in case anything stupid happened.
It's dumb. I have never had a positive interaction with a police officer, and quite frankly, I'm intimidated by them. Yet I can't help but think that these are the same people that will talk nicely to me, and then say wtf shit behind my back. I used to shut myself out socially because I didn't feel like I belonged because of that shit. And the problem that occurs, is that when you try to explain this to your white peers, they just have the hardest time understanding it.
How do you guys deal with such thoughts and doubts? Do you just give people a chance to show their true colours? Or do you just become jaded and cynical at times.
Edit Fuck, my problem is that it sort of hit me recently that when I was a kid, we had these silly "Stop racism" stickers in elementary school. Now I'm an adult and it's hitting me in the face that I'm going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life. It's too taxing emotionally and physically! How do you guys cope?