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Transgaf: 'cause boys will be girls (and vice versa)

L

lexi

Banned
Servbot24 said:
She doesn't want people to think that she's crazy or something and me getting involved with her counselor would make her quite uncomfortable. Besides she knows she has these issues and she said she's tried to tackle them and failed several times before.

In the moment all I can do is wait and do my best. she made it clear that we are starting over. meaning she's giving me a chance but she's not just going to automatically be my girlfriend again. and she will also be seeing other men. this is insanely difficult for me to deal with, especially since I am very jealous and desire intimacy, yet she texts other guys even when we're together. I know she has a date tonight for example. I'm trying to keep cool because if I even begin to imagine it I'll break down. The woman I thought was going to be my wife gazing into another man's eyes, maybe kissing him. shoot me.

god. i can't think about that. plus this is not the dating thread. :p i need to think about how i can show that i relate to her on this specific issue. I'll be spending a busy weekend with her coming up for which we already have lots of plans, but I after that I need to figure out a way to express to her that I can relate to her past.
Click to expand...

You sound like a great guy. It's a shame that trans people are so fucking crazy.
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
lexi said:
You sound like a great guy. It's a shame that trans people are so fucking crazy.
Click to expand...
Well I've made plenty of mistakes in the relationship, sometimes spend too much time working, I haven't been spontaneous enough, I don't always recognize her needs, etc. but at least that's all stuff I can fix.

Dating thread would probably just say "don't be beta bro!" :p
 
P

Platy

Member
Wait ... is she intersex or trans ?

Not that it changes ... but you gave the idea that she was trans first and then uses the word intersex ... these are 2 completly diferent words for diferent things
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
Platy said:
Wait ... is she intersex or trans ?

Not that it changes ... but you gave the idea that she was trans first and then uses the word intersex ... these are 2 completly diferent words for diferent things
Click to expand...

she's both. born with an intersex condition, raised as a boy, making the transition to female.
 
A

AEGISX

Banned
It's over move on. There are other nice woman out there. She openly cheat on you just to make herself feel better, this is very selfish of her. Consoling won't help her, it might be a life time issue. It's good she realize it will hurt you more if she stayed with you so she left.
Psychological issue is much worse than physical issue. It's over, move on
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
AEGISX said:
It's over move on. There are other nice woman out there. She openly cheat on you just to make herself feel better, this is very selfish of her. Consoling won't help her, it might be a life time issue. It's good she realize it will hurt you more if she stayed with you so she left.
Psychological issue is much worse than physical issue. It's over, move on
Click to expand...

i know that from an outsider's view you're right, but haven't you ever been with someone that you just desperately need to love and be loved by? sure i would get over her eventually. but i just cannot let go :(

anyways, i'm still wondering if there's a way to show her i relate to her struggles. i told her i would do volunteer work in that area, sit in on support groups, take classes, anything. anything i can think of. but she didn't really respond to that. so maybe that's just not possible to do. :/
 
A

AEGISX

Banned
It's natural that you don't want to let it go.
Give it some time. Hang out with your friends and family. Play some video games
 
M

mollipen

Member
sophora said:
Halloween is coming next week and my friends are all starting to plan stuff this week. A close friend of mine keeps urging me to crossdress, which I do want to but at the same time too terrified to even try. I did dress like a girl back when we were younger for trick or treating but everyone kept laughing at me, apparently it was pretty hilarious :/

I really do want to try again but I get really bad anxiety attacks, so I'm not sure if I should even try. The thought of it brings me down so much...
Click to expand...

Halloween was one of my first two experiences with cross dressing, and I think it's a perfect opportunity. (The other was a costume party where my girlfriend at the time and I dressed as the opposite sexes.)

It's Halloween. People dress up as all kinds of things, and there are plenty of guys that dress up as girls to varying degrees of success. It's okay if they laugh at you—I think that's something you need to understand. They can see it however they want to see it, and there's not going to be a lot you'll be able to do to change that. What's important is what you get out of it. Your reason for doing so and the reason others thing you did so can be different, but that won't change what you might get out of it. I didn't fully understand at the time what I was getting out of dressing like that for Halloween—I just knew that it was an outfit that made me feel happy for some reason, but which also serves a secondary purpose of being my Halloween outfit.

Do it. I know you may have anxiety, but part of getting over anxiety is telling yourself to get over it. Ask yourself these questions: Is what I'd get out of it more important than what others may think, why would people be laughing at me, and will my life be over if people laugh at me?

I'm willing to bet the answers are: Yes, not for the reasons you're thinking, and no.
 
P

Platy

Member
Servbot24 said:
she's both. born with an intersex condition, raised as a boy, making the transition to female.
Click to expand...

Wait ... so is she XX or XY ?

Theoricaly if she is XX she is transition to cisgender.... i think.

sophora said:
Halloween is coming next week and my friends are all starting to plan stuff this week. A close friend of mine keeps urging me to crossdress, which I do want to but at the same time too terrified to even try.
Click to expand...

Awesome !

How about a suit and a tie ? =D
Maybe a sports jersey and a shorts ?
Wife beater and a moustache ?
 
P

Princess Viola

Member
sophora said:
Halloween is coming next week and my friends are all starting to plan stuff this week. A close friend of mine keeps urging me to crossdress, which I do want to but at the same time too terrified to even try. I did dress like a girl back when we were younger for trick or treating but everyone kept laughing at me, apparently it was pretty hilarious :/

I really do want to try again but I get really bad anxiety attacks, so I'm not sure if I should even try. The thought of it brings me down so much...
Click to expand...
Man, I sometimes wish I could crossdress on Halloween. :\
 
A

Amalthea

Banned
The Klinefelter syndrome's symptoms sound a lot like me. Then again I did a chromosome tests years ago and it was nothing unusual was found.
 
F

Femmeworth

Banned
Servbot24 said:
I need some help transGAF

My girlfriend of the last year is mtf and I am quite in love with her. Unfortunately for me she recently said we need to go on break because she wants to "get out there" and see other guys. This is pretty devastating to me since I was planning to marry her.

Physically she has made her transition beautifully. She is stunning. But emotionally it has not been so easy. She grew up in east-hillbilly-texas and her family did not support her in any way. her brother beat her and her father refuses to speak to her over the last 4 years. Even worse, her mother, the only person who would have supported her, died of cancer when she was 12 and she had to drop out of school to take care of her siblings. In her small town word spreads fast and she can not even return there without getting dirty looks.

She is doing better now, she is 21 and already working on her Masters in a city several hours from her home town. She has a good friend group that supports her. However there were years of terrible insecurity that have left their mark. In her past she allowed herself to be abused by men because she was desperate to be accepted, and of course there was all of the discrimination that trans people often have to face. She is very strong, but those insecurities still linger with her and she has a bad need for validation. Even when we were dating she would go out to bars to flirt with guys just to make sure they found her attractive. One of the reasons she chose to break up with me is to seek validation from other men

As for me, I am an American, cisgendered, caucasian, blue-eyed blonde boy who grew up in a nice Christian home. There are basically no problems in my life aside from the ones I brought upon myself (plus bad social anxiety but that pales in comparison). Also, my relationship with her is my first time dating.

She tells me that she resents me for my relative innocence. Not that it's my fault, but when she dumped me she said that she we can't relate to each other because of the differences in our past. I have never faced trauma. I don't have a sexual history beyond her (the point of this is not performance, she says she doesn't feel special since I haven't had to go through people and choose her).

This is only one of the reasons she wants to be on break with me. Most of the reasons are my fault, and I am doing my best to take care of those, but this is one thing I just can't see how to overcome. I have offered as much validation as I can see how - when she first told me about her intersex condition I did not hesitate at all to continue the relationship, I practically worship her body, I support her in her glbtq activities (she is an active member of support groups and clubs and so on), etc. I'm sure i have not been perfect but I have done my very best

Any ideas how I can help her feel like I can relate to her? I am determined to win her back.. some parts of the relationship I know I can fix, but this part seems nearly impossible :(
Click to expand...
Servbot24 said:
She sees a counselor once a month which is what her school provides
And no I don't think that seeing other men will help the situation. she is very emphatic that what she wants most in life is to have a family. so clearly she will eventually have to learn to find validation from one man.
The question is how to give that to her when i'm not even sure she knows how to accept it.
Oh btw, we are kind of dating / hanging out a bunch. I'm not really sure what we're doing. She said she still loves me and wants us to start over. so it's not like i have no chance here, i just need to make sure i have some kind of answer for issues that i know are coming. and hope that she doesn't meet some magical dream guy in the meantime (i want her to be happy above all else, so that comment is just the selfish side of me coming through).
Click to expand...
You need to either move on, or get her to see a psychologist or someone she can see weekly. Once a month is not going to cut it for therapy.
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
AEGISX said:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klinefelter_syndrome
She should be grateful finding a gentleman like you who's willing to give up so much just for her.
I donno you but after reading your story I already fall in love with you. She did not appreciate what you offered. So just move on because she does not deserve you.
Click to expand...
Yes that was it. And thank you, you're sweet :) she does appreciate me and says she still loves me, I think she is just in some kind of personal crisis right now. Her best friend and a fellow masters student in psychology feels the same way about her right now (she snaps over small things and the other night she was seriously contemplating suicide because she feels so hopeless about her future. Which I don't understand as I have offered her everything). I just want to help her however I can and hopefully bring her back to me in the process
 
A

Anastasia

Member
Servbot24 said:
Yes that was it. And thank you, you're sweet :) she does appreciate me and says she still loves me, I think she is just in some kind of personal crisis right now. Her best friend and a fellow masters student in psychology feels the same way about her right now (she snaps over small things and the other night she was seriously contemplating suicide because she feels so hopeless about her future. Which I don't understand as I have offered her everything). I just want to help her however I can and hopefully bring her back to me in the process
Click to expand...

I think the most important thing is that you just continue to support her, as you have been, and continue to be there for her (especially as she is having a difficult time). Everything else will work out however it will. And if it doesn't work out the way you wanted, at least you know that you tried, and again, offered your support.
 
M

mollipen

Member
Servbot24 said:
I need some help transGAF
Click to expand...

I can kind of understand where she's coming from. Even if it doesn't always come from the best place, it's easy to fall into a "I want validation" mentality. I've gotten a small taste of that, and man, it's powerful—to a degree you don't initially expect or appreciate. (And to a degree that scares me a bit in terms of my future.)

There can also be a case of finally being in a position to try things you weren't able to try before, and suddenly realizing what you've missed out on. Not the best example, but I grew up in a town that wasn't tiny, but also wasn't a super-huge big city. While living there, I was happy, and thought I had a nice amount of exposure to life experiences and opportunities. And then, I wound up living in cities that dwarfed them, and suddenly realized there were all of these new things that I wanted to experience and be exposed to, opportunities I not only never had, but never knew existed.

Sometimes you don't realize you want to try certain things until you're presented with the opportunity to try them. When they were still experiences you simply believed you could or should never have, you didn't care; when that reality and possibility changes, suddenly an interest you never knew you had is there.

That could be what's going on with her, and the unfortunate part for you is that there's probably nothing you can do to change that. There's something inside of her that needs to try this, and until she gets it out of her system, you're an element that is standing in her way of doing that. It's possible that she could try what she wants to try and realize that's not what she really wants or needs. Or, she could realize that she's much happier where she is versus where she was.

Sometimes we have to get through our personal issues on our own.


She tells me that she resents me for my relative innocence. Not that it's my fault, but when she dumped me she said that she we can't relate to each other because of the differences in our past. I have never faced trauma. I don't have a sexual history beyond her (the point of this is not performance, she says she doesn't feel special since I haven't had to go through people and choose her).
Click to expand...

I think this was very unfair and insulting of her. Life should never be a game of "whose drama is worse", but unfortunately it turns into that far too often.
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
Femmeworth said:
You need to either move on, or get her to see a psychologist or someone she can see weekly. Once a month is not going to cut it for therapy.
Click to expand...

Neither of us can afford that unfortunately. Her friend I mentioned has been begging her to do this though, and it really puts her off because she hates feeling like a project that needs to be fixed. Of course sometimes people do need fixing, but I can understand why she feels that way

I don't think she suddenly realized other opportunities... I'm actually the 10th guy she's dated (ranging from one month things, to almost getting engaged to someone until he cheated on her). That's one of the reasons she's had a problem with me, since this is my first relationship I look to her for guidance too often and am too cautious about making mistakes, and she doesn't want to feel like the man of the relationship. that is something i will definitely fix if we get back together.

I know there's nothing I can really do aside from be there for her... it's just the more i am with her the more i fall in love with her and want her which really sucks. :( but i will do the best i can.
 
R

Reishiki

Banned
Speaking of cosplay, while I'm not doing anything special for halloween this year (quiet night with the fiancé), I am intending on going to a con or the London MGM Expo next year as Byakuren Hijiri.

I've done cosplay before, but only as male characters, so far.
 
F

Femmeworth

Banned
Servbot24 said:
Neither of us can afford that unfortunately. Her friend I mentioned has been begging her to do this though, and it really puts her off because she hates feeling like a project that needs to be fixed. Of course sometimes people do need fixing, but I can understand why she feels that way

I don't think she suddenly realized other opportunities... I'm actually the 10th guy she's dated (ranging from one month things, to almost getting engaged to someone until he cheated on her). That's one of the reasons she's had a problem with me, since this is my first relationship I look to her for guidance too often and am too cautious about making mistakes, and she doesn't want to feel like the man of the relationship. that is something i will definitely fix if we get back together.

I know there's nothing I can really do aside from be there for her... it's just the more i am with her the more i fall in love with her and want her which really sucks. :( but i will do the best i can.
Click to expand...
She has to accept the fact that she is psychologically damaged and it is affecting her relationships. (Not necessarily in those words.) I'm no psychologist, but I think I can safely say your relationship is not healthy.

I understand if money is a problem, but she needs more help than she is getting.
she doesn't want to feel like the man of the relationship
Click to expand...
As for this bit. *groan*
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
Eh, I don't really mind that. Plenty of girls want a guy who is going to sweep them off their feet.

Right now I am dealing with the knowledge she might be holding another guy's hand right now by messaging tons of girls on okcupid. No intention of dating them, it's just the only way I feel like I can be close to her right now, as fucked up as that probably sounds :(
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
Well, she called me this morning, I pressured her a little bit asking how her date went, she said she stayed over at his place and they had sex.

So I think this is the point at which my emotional tank has completely drained. I don't feel anything right now, just completely emotionally dead. I think it's time for me to give up on her. She said there's still a big part of her that wants to be with me, but I'm just no longer interested in making the effort for her. I feel like all that passion that was in me just got brick-shitted out when she confirmed my fears. Honestly I'm fine with feeling dead, it's much easier than feeling tortured as I have the last couple months.
 
C

ComputerMKII

Banned
Servbot24 said:
Well, she called me this morning, I pressured her a little bit asking how her date went, she said she stayed over at his place and they had sex.

So I think this is the point at which my emotional tank has completely drained. I don't feel anything right now, just completely emotionally dead. I think it's time for me to give up on her. She said there's still a big part of her that wants to be with me, but I'm just no longer interested in making the effort for her. I feel like all that passion that was in me just got brick-shitted out when she confirmed my fears. Honestly I'm fine with feeling dead, it's much easier than feeling tortured as I have the last couple months.
Click to expand...
Except the parts you use to have sex

You should have listened to me
 
A

Amalthea

Banned
Servbot24 said:
Well, she called me this morning, I pressured her a little bit asking how her date went, she said she stayed over at his place and they had sex.

So I think this is the point at which my emotional tank has completely drained. I don't feel anything right now, just completely emotionally dead. I think it's time for me to give up on her. She said there's still a big part of her that wants to be with me, but I'm just no longer interested in making the effort for her. I feel like all that passion that was in me just got brick-shitted out when she confirmed my fears. Honestly I'm fine with feeling dead, it's much easier than feeling tortured as I have the last couple months.
Click to expand...

She doesn't deserves you. Not many women could have a boyfriend who tolerates as much as you did. And she just exploits it by openly cheating you.
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
ComputerMKII said:
Except the parts you use to have sex

You should have listened to me
Click to expand...

Yeah, maybe I just felt entitled or something. Like I was working so hard for this that I deserved to have it and destiny was going to make it happen.

Oh well. Hope she finds the validation she's looking for by sleeping with random dudes and not being married to me with kids and a dream house.
 
F

fireside

Member
Servbot24 said:
Yeah, maybe I just felt entitled or something. Like I was working so hard for this that I deserved to have it and destiny was going to make it happen.

Oh well. Hope she finds the validation she's looking for by sleeping with random dudes and not being married to me with kids and a dream house.
Click to expand...

you sound kind of bitter and clingy and self-important
 
F

fmpanda

Member
Servbot24 said:
bitter yes
clingy no, still in love yes
i think you're supposed to feel self-important after a break up just to make things easier? i dunno, this is my first one
Click to expand...

At this point good sir, I should probably break in with some generic GAF Dating Advice. The fact of the matter is that she is lost to you, so you need to be lost to her, as in cut off all contact. If you need to, lose her number, her email, pictures, everything as that stuff is nothing but a reminder of what you had with her and that will be painful as hell, so that has to go byebye. You now need to concentrate on rebuilding youself as a person, so whatever hobbies you have, go full swing. Also get together with your buddies for the first few days, not for hunting ladies, but for the sake of being with your pals. In your current state of mind, you don't need to be thinking about dating. You need to be building a better you.

In a few years time, you might, MIGHT be able to rebuild a friendship with her, but that's in the distant future. As far as her problems are going, let her screw up, let her play the field, let her do whatever she needs to do to get straightened up in her head, plus she probably has her own friend support system, so let her rely on them as you are no longer her friend proper. I don't mean to be this callous, but you'll need to go through a TON of relationships before you should even begin to consider marriage and a dream house. Right now, this is your time to concentrate on you, so start doing so.

/end Dating rant
 
I

InfiniteNine

Rolling Girl
fmpanda said:
At this point good sir, I should probably break in with some generic GAF Dating Advice. The fact of the matter is that she is lost to you, so you need to be lost to her, as in cut off all contact. If you need to, lose her number, her email, pictures, everything as that stuff is nothing but a reminder of what you had with her and that will be painful as hell, so that has to go byebye. You now need to concentrate on rebuilding youself as a person, so whatever hobbies you have, go full swing. Also get together with your buddies for the first few days, not for hunting ladies, but for the sake of being with your pals. In your current state of mind, you don't need to be thinking about dating. You need to be building a better you.

In a few years time, you might, MIGHT be able to rebuild a friendship with her, but that's in the distant future. As far as her problems are going, let her screw up, let her play the field, let her do whatever she needs to do to get straightened up in her head, plus she probably has her own friend support system, so let her rely on them as you are no longer her friend proper. I don't mean to be this callous, but you'll need to go through a TON of relationships before you should even begin to consider marriage and a dream house. Right now, this is your time to concentrate on you, so start doing so.

/end Dating rant
Click to expand...

Well this was pretty much what I was thinking about saying as I was walking home so do what this person says.
 
P

PhoenixDark

Banned
Servbot24 said:
Well, she called me this morning, I pressured her a little bit asking how her date went, she said she stayed over at his place and they had sex.

So I think this is the point at which my emotional tank has completely drained. I don't feel anything right now, just completely emotionally dead. I think it's time for me to give up on her. She said there's still a big part of her that wants to be with me, but I'm just no longer interested in making the effort for her. I feel like all that passion that was in me just got brick-shitted out when she confirmed my fears. Honestly I'm fine with feeling dead, it's much easier than feeling tortured as I have the last couple months.
Click to expand...

It's time to move on. It sounds to me like she was emotionally abusive to you because she figured you had no where else to go. You deserve someone better dude, move on and do not simp her.
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
fmpanda said:
At this point good sir, I should probably break in with some generic GAF Dating Advice. The fact of the matter is that she is lost to you, so you need to be lost to her, as in cut off all contact. If you need to, lose her number, her email, pictures, everything as that stuff is nothing but a reminder of what you had with her and that will be painful as hell, so that has to go byebye. You now need to concentrate on rebuilding youself as a person, so whatever hobbies you have, go full swing. Also get together with your buddies for the first few days, not for hunting ladies, but for the sake of being with your pals. In your current state of mind, you don't need to be thinking about dating. You need to be building a better you.

In a few years time, you might, MIGHT be able to rebuild a friendship with her, but that's in the distant future. As far as her problems are going, let her screw up, let her play the field, let her do whatever she needs to do to get straightened up in her head, plus she probably has her own friend support system, so let her rely on them as you are no longer her friend proper. I don't mean to be this callous, but you'll need to go through a TON of relationships before you should even begin to consider marriage and a dream house. Right now, this is your time to concentrate on you, so start doing so.

/end Dating rant
Click to expand...

You're right. Even after everything she's put me through I still want to be her friend though :(

Thank you for indulging me in my sorrows transgaf, sorry to have hi-jacked the thread a bit
 
I

InfiniteNine

Rolling Girl
It's alright I've been in a similar situation but it's better to use this as a stepping stone to a better you than to prolong things and let it mess with your head.
 
S

sphinx

the piano man
I haven't been folllowing the thread lately but I am curious:

why is Servbot24's situation discussion material in the transgaf thread?

are any of the parties involved transgender?
 
S

Servbot24

Banned
sphinx said:
I haven't been folllowing the thread lately but I am curious:

why is Servbot24's situation discussion material in the transgaf thread?

are any of the parties involved transgender?
Click to expand...

Yeah, she's mtf. I started out asking for advice specifically about some of her trans-related issues but I ended up getting a lot of general advice as well
 
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