Today is March 22nd, 2015. The date marks four years since I came out as a transgender woman in 2011. Everything changed that day, and for the first time, I felt like I was finally letting myself out instead of bottling myself in. However, todays writing isnt about my journey toward coming out (a lifetime), or the process of coming out (all at once). Rather, this is a reflection on gender.
When I first came out, my main mode of external (physical) gender expression was this red bow headband Id wear on my head. Like, hey, Im not a guy, but I also cant afford new clothes or anything, soooooo
Like, Ive always had boobs--but now I have a bow to go with them! You can stop calling me sir now! Like, whoa, no one even recognizes me without my beard, and all my customers think Im this cute new tomboy hire. Like, freedom.
In August 2011, I started HRT. I had to play at being binary with the doctor, having the impression that to do otherwise would cause my request for hormones to be denied. I didnt wear makeup and I wore pants instead of skirts. She said things like you dont look like a trans woman, so I must not have been doing too well at passing as a binary-identified individual. In the end, it was a newspaper cover Id been featured on in May (titled Who She Is, featuring one of the few pictures of me in a dress) that saved my hormones from being denied or unreasonably delayed, and I was grateful for it. I now recognize this as an instance of accessing binary privilege.
My body changed a lot very quickly, and I was being gendered female the vast majority of the time. I was starting to make trans friends on the internet, and the pervasive narrative at the time was extremely antagonistic toward nonbinary identities. I had the very distinct feeling that I was being judged far more harshly by binary trans people than even cis peoples bullshit. I felt ashamed of myself, and tried wearing makeup for a while to blend in better. For my troubles, I found myself blessed with entirely too much unwanted cis male attention.
In January 2013, no one understood why I shaved my head and threw away my bras and makeup, but I didnt care. Looking in the mirror at my beautifully feminized body, my shapely, hairy legs, my large, soft breasts, my shaved head and my gentle, stubbly, makeup-bare face, I finally felt like I was seeing myself for the first time. When I went out in public, the romantic attention I got was a lot more to my liking--almost no cis/straight individuals creeping on me, unless they were demanding to know why I hated men so much (lol). I happily went back to the trans group meetings, where the people who knew me looked at me with shock, and the people who didnt know me thought I was a trans guy. Within a month, most of the trans guys at the meeting had shaved their heads, too. Oops!
Sometimes people indicate that they cant tell if Im a girl or a boy. Sometimes people are shocked at whats between my legs. Sometimes, people try to offer good-natured advice about how to be more feminine or more masculine, depending on what they perceive my starting point and hypothetical finishing point to be. Sometimes, a group of trans guys mistakes me for a trans guy. Sometimes, people tell me you could be SO pretty if
Most of the time, people gender me female by default and dont really make an issue of my presentation. Nowadays, people who know me are pretty used to me. I dont mind when people cant fit me into a box, but I do mind when people passive-aggressively push their binary supremacy onto me.
The gender binary is oppressive nonsense designed to keep half of society subjugated along its hard line. When you offer unsolicited advice or opinions on someones identity or expression, youre making their day that much more uncomfortable. When you play like your binary identity is more legitimate than someones nonbinary identity, youre reminding them that our society is centered around shaky artificial constructs that are revered like scientific fact. Fuck the binary. Fuck the subjugation of women, fuck the stratification of gender. If your binary identity means that much to you, appreciate it on its own merits and stop throwing my people under the goddamned bus to make yourself feel legitimate.
