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[sploatee]

Hey there folks. I've been lurking for a while but I just wanted to reach out for some help/ advice.

How do you let go of anger when someone you trusted turns out to be transphobic? I just want to let go of it and move on now and I don't want to become a bitter and annoying person (even to myself) but I'm still really damn angry. How do you deal with people who don't see you as your gender?

I should say for context that I pass - so this is someone who found out after we became friends. Have you been in the same situation where you've trusted someone and disclosed and then wished you hadn't?

 

[Erin S Kittens]

Had my birthday on the 19th. 31 now. Got to see lots of friends over the course of a few days, it was utterly grand.

I always knew that Aguirre was trans ! =O

Same, tho.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Hey there folks. I've been lurking for a while but I just wanted to reach out for some help/ advice.

How do you let go of anger when someone you trusted turns out to be transphobic? I just want to let go of it and move on now and I don't want to become a bitter and annoying person (even to myself) but I'm still really damn angry. How do you deal with people who don't see you as your gender?

I should say for context that I pass - so this is someone who found out after we became friends. Have you been in the same situation where you've trusted someone and disclosed and then wished you hadn't?

Emotions like that can be so hard. Honestly I don't know a way to just let go other then reach out and make a new friend to replace that empty hole.

For me I was so distant and so filled with anger and hate that I didn't care if it happened to me as I just figured people would do it to me. In a way it's awful to be like I was, but I also was able to keep myself safe from this kind of pain.

I'm sorry it happened to you Sploatee, treating someone like that is so horrific I don't understand how someone can throw away a friendship for hate that quickly these days. I hope that you can move on soon though, as your to good a person to lose sleep over what is really a very horrible person.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Hey there folks. I've been lurking for a while but I just wanted to reach out for some help/ advice.

How do you let go of anger when someone you trusted turns out to be transphobic? I just want to let go of it and move on now and I don't want to become a bitter and annoying person (even to myself) but I'm still really damn angry. How do you deal with people who don't see you as your gender?

I should say for context that I pass - so this is someone who found out after we became friends. Have you been in the same situation where you've trusted someone and disclosed and then wished you hadn't?

Honestly I just disassociate myself from them. If they choose to be hateful then I'll reserve the right to expel them from my life.

Personally I find it ironic that someone is super cool with me and then "oh you're trans?" and 180's because it just shows how hypocritical they truly are. Don't be angry at yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. They are the ones in the wrong, not you.

All you did was show them trust and friendship so keep doing that and good people will appreciate that and treasure that

 

[mollipen]

How do you deal with people who don't see you as your gender?

 

[Lady Gaia]

Honestly I just disassociate myself from them. If they choose to be hateful then I'll reserve the right to expel them from my life.

Absolutely. Life is too short to deal with other peoples' neuroses, especially when they're directly harmful to your well being. I haven't seen my father in five years and I don't waste any time worrying about it. He'll either get a clue on his own and apologize for his behavior or I'll carry on just fine without him.

 

[petmis]

Hey Transgaf. Just want to say hi. cis boy here. I've followed this thread for almost a year and never really felt I had anything useful to add but I have some trans friends and figured I should add my support, for what it's worth. I admire you all

 

[Mumei]

Just came across this great interview with Judith Butler:

Cristan Williams, a trans historian and journalist, interviewed Judith Butler about gender and the trans experience for The Terfs. They discussed the problem with TERFs and the work of Sheila Jeffreys and Janice Raymond.

 

[Platy]

Just came across this great interview with Judith Butler:

If there is any mutilation going on in this scene, it is being done by the feminist police force who rejects the lived embodiment of transwomen. That very accusation is a form of “mutilation” as is all transphobic discourse such as these. There is a rather huge ethical difference between electing surgery and being faced with transphobic condemnation and diagnoses. I would say that the greatest risk of mutilation that trans people have comes directly from transphobia.

If goddess Butler herself says this, who I am to deny ? xD

 

[Hollycat]

A Wal-Mart employee just told me to "Have a good day, Fag"

I wish I hadn't been late to work so I could have gone to her manager.

 

[Beth Cyra]

A Wal-Mart employee just told me to "Have a good day, Fag"

I wish I hadn't been late to work so I could have gone to her manager.

What the fuck?! That isn't at all acceptable.

Did you catch her name so you can go back in and report her?

 

[sploatee]

Thank you for your advice folks. In the end I decided to forgive. I won't be able to forget, but by facing how this individual made me feel, I think I've arrived at a place where this small, insignificant person and their views are simply irrelevant to me and my life. Fighting this person will achieve nothing and I don't want to store this anger.

A Wal-Mart employee just told me to "Have a good day, Fag"

I wish I hadn't been late to work so I could have gone to her manager.

That is horrendous. Absolutely unacceptable.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

A Wal-Mart employee just told me to "Have a good day, Fag"

I wish I hadn't been late to work so I could have gone to her manager.

Completely unacceptable. I echo Beth Cyra: did you manage to get their name? You can still report them.

Thank you for your advice folks. In the end I decided to forgive. I won't be able to forget, but by facing how this individual made me feel, I think I've arrived at a place where this small, insignificant person and their views are simply irrelevant to me and my life. Fighting this person will achieve nothing and I don't want to store this anger.

Indeed.

Focus your energies on the positive things

 

[Dai101]

A Wal-Mart employee just told me to "Have a good day, Fag"

I wish I hadn't been late to work so I could have gone to her manager.

Son of a bitch! Girl you better go back and report her ass.

 

[Hollycat]

What the fuck?! That isn't at all acceptable.

Did you catch her name so you can go back in and report her?

No, she was behind the deli counter, so I couldn't see the tag

 

[Beth Cyra]

No, she was behind the deli counter, so I couldn't see the tag

I'm sorry Chie, that was such an awful thing to do and you didn't deserve it at all.

 

[Hollycat]

What's really weird about it is I wasn't even dressed up. I had my hair styled and women's jeans on, but a regular shirt.

 

[ZombiePlatypus]

Hi TransGAF. Hope this doesn't sound like a weird or insensitive question, but, gay guy here and kinda interested in dating FTM-trans men. I dunno if I'm looking for anything serious yet, but I definitely wanna give it a shot and see where it goes from there. Are there any apps (or sites) like Tindr/Grindr/OKC specifically for trans guys who are also into guys?

 

[Amalthea]

Propably as many as there are dating apps for any trans*people.

 

[ZombiePlatypus]

Propably as many as there are dating apps for any trans*people.

Didn't really have any luck when I initially tried to find one, but I thought maybe I was just being shitty at googling. I always thought of the internet as a never-ending, vast thing with a community catering to anything and everything, so I never entertained the thought that maybe the group I'm looking for is too niche.

 

[Amalthea]

Didn't really have any luck when I initially tried to find one, but I thought maybe I was just being shitty at googling. I always thought of the internet as a never-ending, vast thing with a community catering to anything and everything, so I never entertained the thought that maybe the group I'm looking for is too niche.

Most stuff I've seen are guys saying that they "want to try trannies for once" or trans*people both straight or gay who blog about their harrassment on gay and straight dating sites.
At least the chances of getting killed are lower for us online.

 

[iirate]

A Wal-Mart employee just told me to "Have a good day, Fag"

I wish I hadn't been late to work so I could have gone to her manager.

This is really awful - I'm so sorry.

Hi TransGAF. Hope this doesn't sound like a weird or insensitive question, but, gay guy here and kinda interested in dating FTM-trans men. I dunno if I'm looking for anything serious yet, but I definitely wanna give it a shot and see where it goes from there. Are there any apps (or sites) like Tindr/Grindr/OKC specifically for trans guys who are also into guys?

I don't know of anything like that, but I'd be very wary of anyone interested in dating me because I'm trans. For every one person that feels that way in a possibly healthy and well-intentioned way, I have to imagine there are a hundred more that aren't either of those things.

 

[Lady Gaia]

No, she was behind the deli counter, so I couldn't see the tag

It's still worth reporting. The store's management needs to know they have an employee hurling slurs at customers, and they'll have a record of who was on shift at the time. Don't let her get away with it.

 

[Box of Bunnies]

So I'm giving up today. Accepting that I could never be anything more than a balding man, and trying to make what I can from that life. I don't expect it to last long, but the shelf-life on my transition passed like five+ years ago so I'm just facing up to biological realities.

Best of luck to everyone here. I really do hope the best for you all.

A Wal-Mart employee just told me to "Have a good day, Fag"

I wish I hadn't been late to work so I could have gone to her manager.

That really sucks. So sorry you had to put up with that shit.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

So I'm giving up today. Accepting that I could never be anything more than a balding man, and trying to make what I can from that life. I don't expect it to last long, but the shelf-life on my transition passed like five+ years ago so I'm just facing up to biological realities.

Best of luck to everyone here. I really do hope the best for you all.

I'm really, really sorry that you're hurting. I don't know what exactly caused this but you do not have to accept it at all because it's just not true. You are who you want to be and some letter on a piece of paper can't change that.

I understand that things might be extremely hurtful now or even seem so freaking distant that they are clean in the realm of impossibility but I can tell you that despite all of that it is indeed possible and obtainable.

Age is not a limiter or any kind and one can, and have, transition at any age bracket imaginable. Heck, there were 60+ year old people that went through transition. Biology are not shackles, it's more of a set of guidelines than hard rules one cannot escape from.



I'm really, really, incredibly sorry that you're hurting but things can and do change. I've spent over 25 years of my life fighting it and pushing it into "oh it's just not going to happen; it's just impossible" kind of field. Living through constant abuse, physical and psychological, and fear didn't help either.

However, regardless of all the beatings, despite all the wounds and scars, both physical and psychological ones, here I still stand. Not only am I happier than I've ever been, found people who truly care about me and love me (an actual family) but I've managed to obtain HRT, laser, name and gender change. All of those things seemed impossible just 6 months ago and yet....


It's not easy, quite the opposite, it's literally the battle for our lives but it can be beaten and we can persevere and not only survive but we can actually thrive!
I'm always here if you want to talk and/or give a good hug, whichever is needed

If you want I can also give you the information for the TransGAF IRC channel where you can talk with some of the members there and other trans folk.


I hope you feel better soon!

 

[Sibylus]

Well said BW.

I don't have much to add other than encouragement. Nothing good of my present was something I predicted, expected, or even held out much hope for... but I transitioned anyway. Potential will be subtle. What transpires will surprise you. But you need to take that first step and keep along the path to find where it leads

 

[Box of Bunnies]

Thank you both very much.

I'm sorry for the melodramatics of my last post. I've made a lot of progress in the last year and transition has absolutely been a positive thing for me to this point, it was just one of those days where I was feeling down and got hung up on what is one of the few "nope, everything is fucked, I'm out" buttons for me (issues with my hair that I really need to be seeing a dermatologist for before writing them off as a complete lost cause) and I had a few drinks and posted stupid histrionics.

Again, thank you <3

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Thank you both very much.

I'm sorry for the melodramatics of my last post. I've made a lot of progress in the last year and transition has absolutely been a positive thing for me to this point, it was just one of those days where I was feeling down and got hung up on what is one of the few "nope, everything is fucked, I'm out" buttons for me (issues with my hair that I really need to be seeing a dermatologist for before writing them off as a complete lost cause) and I had a few drinks and posted stupid histrionics.

Again, thank you <3

Glad to hear you're feeling better

We all have those days and they freaking suck, I totally understand

 

[Amalthea]

Thank you both very much.

I'm sorry for the melodramatics of my last post. I've made a lot of progress in the last year and transition has absolutely been a positive thing for me to this point, it was just one of those days where I was feeling down and got hung up on what is one of the few "nope, everything is fucked, I'm out" buttons for me (issues with my hair that I really need to be seeing a dermatologist for before writing them off as a complete lost cause) and I had a few drinks and posted stupid histrionics.

Again, thank you <3

HRT can also help with hairgrowth. At least to a certain extent.
It looks kinda wacky at first when you notice hairs sprouting in a slight distance to your original hairline.

 

[Platy]

Always good to remember that direct insults is the easiest way to be banned from gaf.

It is not worth to loose your mind in a thread on a forum like this, if you are feeling bad or sad, leave to us with more patience and go do somethign relaxing to remember how those things are getting more rare each day

 

[Meaty]

Hi transgaf.

First of all Id like to say I admire you and hope society someday treats you as well as you deserve.


Im a straight male and Id like to know as an outsider what is harder for you:


Having to live a life as a gender you are not or having to face everyday's peoples judgement? (like the person above who was judged by the wal-mart scumbag)

I ask this because I knew someone who would like to be who he is, but was afraid of the consequences.

 

[Kinsei]

Hi transgaf.

First of all Id like to say I admire you and hope society someday treats you as well as you deserve.


Im a straight male and Id like to know as an outsider what is harder for you:


Having to live a life as a gender you are not or having to face everyday's peoples judgement? (like the person above who was judged by the wal-mart scumbag)

I ask this because I knew someone who would like to be who he is, but was afraid of the consequences.

Definitely the former. Insults, violence, etc are horrible, but at least I can be happy living as a woman. I know I could never be happy if I keep living as a man.

 

[Sibylus]

The poison in the veins of others over poison in mine every day of the week, every year of my life

 

[sploatee]

Definitely the former. Insults, violence, etc are horrible, but at least I can be happy living as a woman. I know I could never be happy if I keep living as a man.

Yeah it's not really a choice tbh. I probably wouldn't be alive if I hadn't transitioned (came pretty close tbh).

 

[mollipen]

Having to live a life as a gender you are not or having to face everyday's peoples judgement? (like the person above who was judged by the wal-mart scumbag)

Well, my answer is definitely the former, but I've had a ridiculously easy time transitioning so far. Outside of usual online nonsense, I've really only had one what I'd consider to be negative encounter in terms of dealing with people and my trans-ness.

So, I'm of the "hell yeah do it!" mentality, but I've also not had to go through the tough situations others have had to.

...

Also, OH MY FUCKING GOD JUST GET THE FUCK OVER POISON ALREADY I'M TIRED OF HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE SO MUCH ANYHOW YOU HAVE A HUNDRED OTHER VIDYAGAEM GIRLS TO FAP OVER!

 

[Kinsei]

Also, OH MY FUCKING GOD JUST GET THE FUCK OVER POISON ALREADY I'M TIRED OF HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE SO MUCH ANYHOW YOU HAVE A HUNDRED OTHER VIDYAGAEM GIRLS TO FAP OVER!

What happened?

 

[mollipen]

Just some of the usual nonsense that happens whenever Poison is mentioned, leading to the "trans women aren't women" thing. Normally I just brush it off, but it's especially annoying me today.

Nothing to really worry about, I just needed to quickly vent.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Hi transgaf.

First of all Id like to say I admire you and hope society someday treats you as well as you deserve.


Im a straight male and Id like to know as an outsider what is harder for you:


Having to live a life as a gender you are not or having to face everyday's peoples judgement? (like the person above who was judged by the wal-mart scumbag)

I ask this because I knew someone who would like to be who he is, but was afraid of the consequences.

I can't live as a gender that I do not identify as, it's literally impossible to me. It's like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Even when I had to present like a guy I was still me inside and yeah, it's like being chewed by a scrapyard shredder and then put on the compacter. That said, I hardly acted like a man since I don't even know how to, which ended up being one of the biggest reasons why people would judge me and where a lot of the physical abuse I had to endure also came from.


Having said that, there is no single "hardest" thing in my opinion because things never happen in a vacuum. Maybe today you woke up feeling shitty and things that would otherwise not affect you drill right through you or maybe you woke up feeling freaking awesome and deal with a transphobic asshole yelling at you and you just keep going like a boss and tune them out.

You learn fairly quickly that life is lived a day at the time, sometimes a few hours at the time and, when things get really bad, one second at the time, otherwise everything will be too overwhelming and you will crack. Things have an exceptionally odd way to all compound on each other in an extremely complex way. I can't live by comparing metaphorical notches or by keeping mental notes on how many times I've felt good versus how many times I've been treated like sub-human garbage.

In the end, the "balance" is never a comparison of "good things" VS "bad things", rather you have to remember and believe that good and bad things will happen and sometimes it will be completely out of your control. Live for the good times, that will help you survive the bad ones

 

[Meaty]

Thanks for the replies transgaf. It helped me understand you all better. I think in the end thats what we all need.

 

[Kinsei]

Any advice for explaining to well meaning people that the things they say are hurtful/offensive? Earlier today my supervisor at work (who I'm out to) texted me about Caitlyn and used stuff like he/she, and I also heard him refer to a trans woman he used to know as he.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

Any advice for explaining to well meaning people that the things they say are hurtful/offensive? Earlier today my supervisor at work (who I'm out to) texted me about Caitlyn and used stuff like he/she, and I also heard him refer to a trans woman he used to know as he.

In my opinion the best way to handle those situations is to be extremely patient and to explain as simple as possible why those things are hurtful or offensive. A lot of the times people are just completely unaware and lack things we consider basic knowledge.


It sucks that in order to educate people you will have to hear a few hurtful or offensive things but at the same time that is also how you make allies. In my experience, after explaining someone why the things they said are offensive/hurtful they tend to correct others if they see it happen.

Basically I think it's a lack of awareness and a dash of naivety that makes people say what they do. However do be careful not to come out as overly aggressive, condescending or like you're giving them a lecture as those things tend to put people on the defensive and a lot less likely to listen to what you have to say or even care.

 

[Platy]

Just some of the usual nonsense that happens whenever Poison is mentioned, leading to the "trans women aren't women" thing. Normally I just brush it off, but it's especially annoying me today.

Nothing to really worry about, I just needed to quickly vent.

PM me when it happens ... it is a battle they can't win =P

 

[mollipen]

Eh, I was contributing to helping to derail the thread, so I thought it'd be better if I just stepped out and washed my hands of it than keep sidetracking the thread.

 

[Angryharlot]

No matter where I am, if poison gets brought up in any context other than Character stats and properties in-game, I am done.

close.shutdown.burncomputer.duckandcover.jpg

 

[ZombiePlatypus]

This is really awful - I'm so sorry.



I don't know of anything like that, but I'd be very wary of anyone interested in dating me because I'm trans. For every one person that feels that way in a possibly healthy and well-intentioned way, I have to imagine there are a hundred more that aren't either of those things.

Of course the deal-sealer when dating someone (at least seriously) is who they are as a person as opposed to any of the other attributes on the surface. With that said, I think trans-guys are generally cute, and another group of guys on the spectrum of dudes to be attracted to. (Just like some are into tall guys, swole guys, dark guys, thick guys, etc - I realize being trans encompasses way more than just being a physical feature like the examples listed. But I guess in terms of surface-level attraction, physical features are what's at play here). It's absolutely not coming from a place of dehumanization or fetish-izing in a malicious manner, so I hope nobody feels hurt by it. It's more like, "hey, you have physical attributes I'm drawn and attracted to. I wanna get to know you more as a person, and have mutual fun along the way."

 

[Angryharlot]

Of course the deal-sealer when dating someone (at least seriously) is who they are as a person as opposed to any of the other attributes on the surface. With that said, I think trans-guys are generally cute, and another group of guys on the spectrum of dudes to be attracted to. (Just like some are into tall guys, swole guys, dark guys, thick guys, etc - I realize being trans encompasses way more than just being a physical feature like the examples listed. But I guess in terms of surface-level attraction, physical features are what's at play here). It's absolutely not coming from a place of dehumanization or fetish-izing in a malicious manner, so I hope nobody feels hurt by it. It's more like, "hey, you have physical attributes I'm drawn and attracted to. I wanna get to know you more as a person, and have mutual fun along the way."

I would be interested in a transguy because I would have zero worries about how they view my gender. Most guys that I have encountered really only view me as a femme gay guy and that is really why I don't deal with guys. I don't mind anything else about them.

 

[komarkaze]

Hi everyone! I am browsing through this thread for the first time and I am fully supportive of everyone becoming who they truly are. I am a fan of media such as X-Men and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I know how it's helped minority groups with identification. I'm curious who are the superheroes the transgendered community look up to.

I have an idea in mind for a transgendered superhero with powers, but someone who will face a lot of the same issues that real trans people go through. What kind of qualities would you look for in a superhero? My ultimate hope is to make a role model for young transgendered people to look up to, know they are not alone and that they can be accepted for who they are. I have some ideas floating around in my head but I want to make sure I properly represent the themes accurately.

 

[Angryharlot]

Hi everyone! I am browsing through this thread for the first time and I am fully supportive of everyone becoming who they truly are. I am a fan of media such as X-Men and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I know how it's helped minority groups with identification. I'm curious who are the superheroes the transgendered community look up to.

I have an idea in mind for a transgendered superhero with powers, but someone who will face a lot of the same issues that real trans people go through. What kind of qualities would you look for in a superhero? My ultimate hope is to make a role model for young transgendered people to look up to, know they are not alone and that they can be accepted for who they are. I have some ideas floating around in my head but I want to make sure I properly represent the themes accurately.

I can't say that I have ever looked up to any trans fictional characters as most writers take the easy road where the person passes exceptionally and has almost no visual or vocal tells. They type of shit that only the most privileged tiny margin of people could ever hope to experience. You never see them paying for shit or dealing with widespread disdain. If you look east, it tends to be even worse.

I always tended to identify with cis-gender female characters more than anything, but I learned long ago to not expect to ever see myself in media created from popular culture.

 

[Beth Cyra]

Well I have an update....sadly it's completely negative.

I was in the process of getting my PHd level signature for my bottom surgery and I called into my insurance to try and help the process along.

Well I got told that my insurance company shifted me to a different COO and because of it they said I will need to rebuild from the start (recreate the wheel as the terminology they used) so right now I'm in a really bad place, I can't restart because.....well I won't say that here.

So yeah I might be a bit more quiet for a while but I hope all you ladies stay strong and do well.

See Butterfly_Witch? Told ya I needed to be afraid lol. I'll try to join TransGaf chat In a couple of days.

 

[Princess Viola]

I have a bit of a minor rant, I posted it in another thread here, but since it is trans-related, I'll post it here too.

A few people on Facebook the other day found out my birth name from my mother (who, bless her, referred to me with female pronouns for the first time the other day and has started calling me Viola) and today I got a friend request from someone using my male name AND a stolen photograph of me taken from my own mother's FB profile (hilariously though, the impersonation account still has it's gender as "Female")

I reported the account and Facebook told me that they can't prove the account is impersonating me so they won't delete it, so I sent another report explaining my status and linking to the picture they stole.

I'm just so frustrated like what kind of asshole would do this? I'm pretty much in tears right now.