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[iirate]

Bleh this is how I feel, with different genders. Everyone 100% treats me like a girl. Besides dressing in a kind of "tomboy" way and being ¯\_(&#12484_/¯ about what I'd call "feminine habits" (fussing about make up, clothes, hair, etc) in conversation, no one, no one, is ever like "Oh yeah, Tomita's so masculine/boyish!" Never even "tomboy" beyond the clothes thing! I must act like the most submissive chick in the entire fucking world. And I look five years younger than I am, and I act like a dumbass most of the time, so it just compounds everything. One time someone online said I "sounded like a guy", but that's honestly bullshit, because you really can't tell someone's gender from their writing. That's a 100% bullshit myth is my understanding. So how am I supposed to be trans when, despite trying, I still act pretty much 100% feminine? Or am I just thinking about it too much? I honestly don't think I am. I think me going down the transsexual route is a fucking delusion on my part.

The most I can say is my sister thought I was a lesbian for a while and probably thinks I'm being "delusional" about being bisexual, and I'm just totally lesbo. Except no, I really am bisexual. My dad might wonder if I'm lesbian too? Not sure. My mom is fucked up and has fucking problems. She asked me why I cared so much about LGBT rights so I had to admit to her I was bisexual, and she shoved me back in the closet. She constantly emphasizes to me that I will TOTALLY get a husband and make grandbabies whenever the subject comes up, I think as a response to me "coming out." (And no, I never told dad about my sexuality, I honestly don't know if my mom would blab to him, but he's not fucked up like my mom and I don't want to ruin our relationship in case he's a surprise homophobe, bleh.)

tl;dr I get "lesbian" points from my family but I highly doubt that counts and also my mother and sister are fucking terrible and abusive so that's not exactly a confidence boost.

There's a good chance it will always be harder with people that you know before transition than the ones you don't. Don't get me wrong, people you already know can "get it" too, but it's the sad truth that those that you mostly know post-transition will probably have zero trouble seeing you as a guy, even when they know you're trans, and those that knew you longer will struggle to shake their perceived image of you, or sadly not even try. Even long after my friends had dealt with my transition and no stranger would ever really gender me male, there still remains those that haven't tried to understand, and refuse to believe that they are the ones with the problem(my sister even asked me if I was trans a year before I came out to her or any of my family, but became incredibly obtuse during transition).

The important thing to remember is that you don't need anyone's approval. Just concentrate on those that accept you as you and be ready to cut ties with anyone else. When I was first considering transitioning, going to LGBT group therapy through my school and later GLAD meetings were immensely helpful for making me feel like I had a support structure at a time where I wasn't sure who I could talk to, so try and find a space where you can be comfortable and go from there.

 

[Dr. Buni]

Ok i was joking with the "I love you too" to see if people notice that the quoted part was ridiculously transphobic but I guess I have to be more clear.

You would think a thread about transgender people would be a place where you wouldn't read transphobic crap, especially coming from a transgender person (I think), but...

 

[WaffleTaco]

I'm sorry folks. I really am.

 

[Tomita]

I noticed parts of Waffle's comment that were problematic, but I was only trying to agree with the mannerism stuff. When talking to a few transwomen the impression I got was at least some people saw them as acting feminine or like a "gay man" before they started transitioning, which doesn't fit with how people treat me. (Obviously that treatment isn't ideal, because society still sees them as men when they're women, but it's better than getting nothing? At least to me.)

I didn't mean to be problematic in any way, really, and I'm sorry. Everything just feels so hopeless right now and I dunno what to do. I was going to try and talk to a counselor at school in the fall but honestly I don't know how helpful they will be in the lgbt area and last time I tried this, the person wanted to go on about how my mother would feel, so it's difficult for me. I will go and I will try to talk. But I can't do anything until I get T and surgery, transitioning wise, I'm afraid--if that's what will work with me. When I did research on binding, seems like my chest is too big. That it would be unhealthy for me long term. So it seems like I can't do anything until surgery. So it's upsetting that to everyone I'm a cute young girl, since to some people I look like a high schooler, no matter how I try to dress or act.

I'll stop posting about issues in this thread because I really don't know how to not offend, I'm genuinely sorry for causing any problems. That wasn't my intention at all and I don't want to be upsetting to anyone.

 

[sploatee]

Waffle I can understand where you are coming from 100%

I often feel the same. In fact I tried to kill myself on Friday. Woke up in hospital on Saturday and was discharged on Sunday. I'm currently waiting for a place to open up in a crisis shelter. :/

It's great that some trans folk can totally accept themselves and love themselves. I'm a long way from that, sadly.

Just noticed my avatar adds a bit of irony to this post. That actually makes me smile.

 

[Platy]

But did you feel because you REALLY feel this way or was just "everybody is saying so it must be true" ? =P

 

[sploatee]

But did you feel because you REALLY feel this way or was just "everybody is saying so it must be true" ? =P

I don't know. I just didn't want to wake up. I don't feel that differently now.

What I'm saying is that I understand where Waffle is coming from. There will always be biological differences between trans people and cis people and those differences hurt.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

I don't know. I just didn't want to wake up. I don't feel that differently now.

What I'm saying is that I understand where Waffle is coming from. There will always be biological differences between trans people and cis people and those differences hurt.

There will always be biological differences between you and me and those differences can hurt as well. The point is that none of those limitations are defining of who or what we are. Gender is not biological.


I'm sorry about your struggles WaffleTaco, you know you can always talk to me about anything as I'll always be here to listen. You will always be welcome in the IRC channel as well and can PM me here at any time. I urge you to please seek health, this is not something one can run away from or hide; it is simply impossible to grin and bear it for an entire life time. Many have tried and they have all failed.

I hope that you truly find happiness and that life brings you the joys and happiness you desire and deserve. Please do not be afraid to reach out.



I'm so sorry to hear about your attempt sploatee. Sadly this just showcases the fact that society is not there for us when we are at our most vulnerable and in time of need. Please seek health if you are not already doing so. Again, there is help out there even if it does feel helpless and hopeless. Talk to people, call a hotline, we're here to help.

I noticed parts of Waffle's comment that were problematic, but I was only trying to agree with the mannerism stuff. When talking to a few transwomen the impression I got was at least some people saw them as acting feminine or like a "gay man" before they started transitioning, which doesn't fit with how people treat me. (Obviously that treatment isn't ideal, because society still sees them as men when they're women, but it's better than getting nothing? At least to me.)

I didn't mean to be problematic in any way, really, and I'm sorry. Everything just feels so hopeless right now and I dunno what to do. I was going to try and talk to a counselor at school in the fall but honestly I don't know how helpful they will be in the lgbt area and last time I tried this, the person wanted to go on about how my mother would feel, so it's difficult for me. I will go and I will try to talk. But I can't do anything until I get T and surgery, transitioning wise, I'm afraid--if that's what will work with me. When I did research on binding, seems like my chest is too big. That it would be unhealthy for me long term. So it seems like I can't do anything until surgery. So it's upsetting that to everyone I'm a cute young girl, since to some people I look like a high schooler, no matter how I try to dress or act.

I'll stop posting about issues in this thread because I really don't know how to not offend, I'm genuinely sorry for causing any problems. That wasn't my intention at all and I don't want to be upsetting to anyone.

Tomita you need to talk about your problems, it's the only way you can explore them and begin to solve them. Do not fall into the trap of pushing everything in.

Talk to people, we are here for you. I can provide you with any information I have and if I don't have it then I can point you towards someone who does. You are not alone and you do not need to do this alone. Transition is much more than hormones or surgeries, it's about being able to finally be ourselves and learn to disregard social expectations in a lot of ways.

As with the others, PLEASE seek health! These are life threatening conditions that need to be addressed as soon as possible. The resources exist and there are people who would be more than willing to help. You can PM me if you'd rather talk in private and we can work out a way to keep in touch but please reach out!!

 

[Tomita]

Tomita you need to talk about your problems, it's the only way you can explore them and begin to solve them. Do not fall into the trap of pushing everything in.

It just seems like both times I've posted here I've upset people? And I've really tried not to word things terribly, so I don't know how to not be upsetting, and I don't want to upset people at all, so...seems like I shouldn't post here? I'll try and find somewhere else to go talk. I'm not saying I won't never talk, I just don't want to make things worse for anyone here. I already have to deal with my only friend being really difficult, where just about everything I do hurts her fragile state no matter how much I try, so I don't need to be unintentionally hurting anyone else right now.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

It just seems like both times I've posted here I've upset people? And I've really tried not to word things terribly, so I don't know how to not be upsetting, and I don't want to upset people at all, so...seems like I shouldn't post here? I'll try and find somewhere else to go talk. I'm not saying I won't never talk, I just don't want to make things worse for anyone here. I already have to deal with my only friend being really difficult, where just about everything I do hurts her fragile state no matter how much I try, so I don't need to be unintentionally hurting anyone else right now.

Please do not stop posting.

You should absolutely post here and in other places as well. Seriously, you need to reach out more, not run away and hide.

It's okay to say the wrong things sometimes if it helps us reach the right ideas. We were all ignorant at one point and we all had to learn how to express ourselves in constructive ways. Seriously, don't be afraid to PM me or something and talk openly if you're that scared of hurting others.

This shit is not easy and we have to be able to discuss things that are disturbing sometimes, even if it upsets some people.


Please do not stop talking about your issues.

 

[Platy]

If I were you I would create a thread to talk about this friend since it seems kinda offtopic to the transness.

You never upseted anyone, just sad to see people doubting their gender based on how girly or mainly they are or how someone away see them and not what they really feel inside

 

[Dr. Buni]

It just seems like both times I've posted here I've upset people? And I've really tried not to word things terribly, so I don't know how to not be upsetting, and I don't want to upset people at all, so...seems like I shouldn't post here? I'll try and find somewhere else to go talk. I'm not saying I won't never talk, I just don't want to make things worse for anyone here. I already have to deal with my only friend being really difficult, where just about everything I do hurts her fragile state no matter how much I try, so I don't need to be unintentionally hurting anyone else right now.

I can only speak for myself, but no, you haven't upset me with any of your posts. Plus, you are not going to find help if you stop posting.

 

[Team Alucard]

Hello everyone, my name is Rachel. I have quietly followed this thread for a long time, too afraid to ever actually post. I guess that shows just how little character I truly have, being unwilling to acknowledge and reveal my gender identity even in a completely safe, anonymous, and friendly community.

I've spent my whole life in the closet, and I fully intended to die in the closet, but a part of me wanted someone to know the truth, even if it was a group of internet strangers who I never met or knew personally.

I don't have the courage to be myself, nor do I have the strength to continue living this lie. I hope all you lovely men and women succeed in finding happiness, and pursuing your dreams, whatever they may be.

Thank you.

 

[Tomita]

I just brought up the friend to say that I'm having a hard time dealing with attempts to phrase my thoughts correctly only to still hurt people. I'm trying to stay on topic, I'm sorry. (Also FYI I lack thread-making privileges.) If I'm derailing and causing problems then I'd rather notice that right away and leave the thread and come back to the conversation when I can produce better posts, than just continuing to cause problems. Now I'm kind of confused on what's going on, lol. Seemed like I was being really unkosher? Again, I can always find some other place to talk, so I'm not trying to "run away", I just don't want to cause issues for ya'll. Did I misread some signals here?

Spoiler

Sorry if this counts as derailing too welp idk, confused

EDIT: Hey, Rachel! I didn't see your post when I was writing my reply at first.
Can't you at least try to be who you really are online? It's what I'm trying to do, and ... sure, it's rather difficult, for me at least, but still: baby steps. You took one step posting in this thread, so try taking another step.

 

[Dr. Buni]

Hello everyone, my name is Rachel. I have quietly followed this thread for a long time, too afraid to ever actually post. I guess that shows just how little character I truly have, being unwilling to acknowledge and reveal my gender identity even in a completely safe, anonymous, and friendly community.

I've spent my whole life in the closet, and I fully intended to die in the closet, but a part of me wanted someone to know the truth, even if it was a group of internet strangers who I never met or knew personally.

I don't have the courage to be myself, nor do I have the strength to continue living this lie. I hope all you lovely men and women succeed in finding happiness, and pursuing your dreams, whatever they may be.

Thank you.

Hi, Rachel.

I was kinda like you until a few months ago. I was going to die in the closet, to me that was set in stone. I didn't think I had the courage to be myself outside of the internet and I even said to myself that I would definitely die before my 30th birthday, because there is absolutely no point in living as a person I am not (the only reason I didn't commit suicide years ago is because I didn't want to traumatize my younger brother).

Part of that changed after I started therapy back in May. My therapist helped me realize that I can live as the person I am on the inside and that I do have the courage to show myself to the world. It is not going to be easy, I know it and that is part of the reason I planned to die in the closet, but you know what, I have nothing to lose, so I might as well give it a try. My only regret is to not have asked for help years before, when I realized I was transgender (I am 24). But is better late than never, I guess.

Also, Tomita said something interesting and it is what I did as well. I have been presenting as my correct gender (female) on the internet for years. It's probably why I value internet so much, because being myself and being referred to with the correct pronouns feels amazing. I can't wait for the same to happen in "real life". Maybe you could try the same? At any rate, I wish you good luck and all the best.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

I just brought up the friend to say that I'm having a hard time dealing with attempts to phrase my thoughts correctly only to still hurt people. I'm trying to stay on topic, I'm sorry. (Also FYI I lack thread-making privileges.) If I'm derailing and causing problems then I'd rather notice that right away and leave the thread and come back to the conversation when I can produce better posts, than just continuing to cause problems. Now I'm kind of confused on what's going on, lol. Seemed like I was being really unkosher? Again, I can always find some other place to talk, so I'm not trying to "run away", I just don't want to cause issues for ya'll. Did I misread some signals here?

Spoiler

Sorry if this counts as derailing too welp idk, confused

EDIT: Hey, Rachel! I didn't see your post when I was writing my reply at first.
Can't you at least try to be who you really are online? It's what I'm trying to do, and ... sure, it's rather difficult, for me at least, but still: baby steps. You took one step posting in this thread, so try taking another step.

Tomita your posts have been perfectly fine and mostly on point. I understood your tangent and why it was relevant to the topic you were discussing. What you are doing is not derailing as this is a topic where we can seek support and provide support to those in need and, right now, you seem to be in need.

Very rarely do trans issues exist in a vacuum and they will almost always influence the rest of our lives. It's hard to have a sense of self or self worth when one cannot be true to themselves, for example. It's also not easy to focus on school, job or social life when we feel like our entire lives are just an elaborate lie crafted to hide our true selves.

There are people here that can help you and people who care. Again, we're here to listen and to provide any information that we can.

Hello everyone, my name is Rachel. I have quietly followed this thread for a long time, too afraid to ever actually post. I guess that shows just how little character I truly have, being unwilling to acknowledge and reveal my gender identity even in a completely safe, anonymous, and friendly community.

I've spent my whole life in the closet, and I fully intended to die in the closet, but a part of me wanted someone to know the truth, even if it was a group of internet strangers who I never met or knew personally.

I don't have the courage to be myself, nor do I have the strength to continue living this lie. I hope all you lovely men and women succeed in finding happiness, and pursuing your dreams, whatever they may be.

Thank you.

Hello Rachel, welcome to the thread.

Thank you for trusting us with your confession. You are showing a tremendous amount of strength to step out and post here. We all come out when we can and when we're ready, it is no weakness to hide and remain in the closet, take your time and do things as you can.

I can relate personally to what you're going through, I had to move 5000 miles to be able to be myself. All I can do is echo Reila, please seek health and try to find a gender therapist who can help you to sort out your issues, I cannot begin to tell you how important that is. You can be your true self, it is possible but it will require a lot from you for sure. Not a single part of the entire process is easy but it is both possible and doable.

We're here to share information and resources for anything you may need and, if you're interested, I can also share with you the information regarding a safe private IRC channel where you can be anonymous and talk to other transgender people, just PM me for the information if you wish.

None of what you say about gender identity is wrong, but please understand that not everyone easily comes to these conclusions and that yelling at them in all caps and telling them to "get over it" isn't a particularly nice or helpful approach to the problem.

Absolutely agree. We all move at our own pace and our journey is always different. What may be obvious for some is not so obvious for others and what might be easy for some is not easy for others.

Your posting has been 100% fine. I get that you're nervous about bringing trans man issues into a thread largely dominated by trans women, and understandably so, but even if you weren't a junior and could make a thread for your specific problem (trans-related or otherwise) this is still the friendliest and most accepting community you're going to find on this website and the most appropriate and welcoming place to talk about your personal issues imo. (You'll notice that the LGBTQIA+, Black Culture, and GirlGAF threads are almost never directly about the subjects in their titles, for example. This is kind of like that. What you post CAN be trans related, but it could also be a more distant topic of discussion.)

I'm not a moderator, but I used to be, and no one would kick you out of here for "derailing" or being "off-topic." I lurk but don't post here often because I don't really feel right intruding as a cis woman and all of that. But please, please do not be dissuaded from posting in here, as it is a pretty rare and helpful place both on gaf and on the wider internet.

Again, absolutely agree.

Even if the topic at hand isn't directly trans related a lot of our life experiences are conditioned by it. Shopping for clothes, groceries or just going out of the house can be a completely different experience simply because you're trans.


We don't have many safe places where we can get together, share experiences and help each other.

 

[Box of Bunnies]

i saw a dermatologist on monday after like a year of trying to get a referral but being run around by gps. she told me she thinks my hair loss is purely genetic but female pattern because the universe thinks it's fucking funny that the one thing hormones do is give me female pattern fucking baldness

her only suggestion was "try minoxidil and hope it stabilises (at your already pathetically fucking thin state) lol" though ive already used it in the past and stopped when my loss carried on despite it after months so that was a grand lot of nothing

so now im steeling my nerves to put myself under a truck because like shit im gonna be someone thats wearing a wig in their twenties on top of being trans

 

[sploatee]

It just seems like both times I've posted here I've upset people? And I've really tried not to word things terribly, so I don't know how to not be upsetting, and I don't want to upset people at all, so...seems like I shouldn't post here? I'll try and find somewhere else to go talk. I'm not saying I won't never talk, I just don't want to make things worse for anyone here. I already have to deal with my only friend being really difficult, where just about everything I do hurts her fragile state no matter how much I try, so I don't need to be unintentionally hurting anyone else right now.

You've done nothing wrong.

Hello everyone, my name is Rachel. I have quietly followed this thread for a long time, too afraid to ever actually post. I guess that shows just how little character I truly have, being unwilling to acknowledge and reveal my gender identity even in a completely safe, anonymous, and friendly community.

I've spent my whole life in the closet, and I fully intended to die in the closet, but a part of me wanted someone to know the truth, even if it was a group of internet strangers who I never met or knew personally.

I don't have the courage to be myself, nor do I have the strength to continue living this lie. I hope all you lovely men and women succeed in finding happiness, and pursuing your dreams, whatever they may be.

Thank you.

Hello and don't be scared. The past couple of pages are not typical of this thread.

Also, gonna say it again, Waffle did nothing wrong. Tomita's done nothing wrong. If there was ever meant to be a safe space for trans folk to discuss ALL parts of the trans "experience" (ugh) it's this, surely.

Still waiting to go into the crisis shelter :/ hopefully I'll get the call soon.



and TBH Platy, "But did you feel because you REALLY feel this way or was just "everybody is saying so it must be true" ? =P " is not a particularly helpful or sensitive response to someone who has just been discharged from hospital after a failed suicide attempt.

 

[Tomita]

Tomita your posts have been perfectly fine and mostly on point. I understood your tangent and why it was relevant to the topic you were discussing. What you are doing is not derailing as this is a topic where we can seek support and provide support to those in need and, right now, you seem to be in need.

Very rarely do trans issues exist in a vacuum and they will almost always influence the rest of our lives. It's hard to have a sense of self or self worth when one cannot be true to themselves, for example.

Yeah, the second paragraph here is what I'm really struggling with. It feels like every single issue in my life is connected to my gender identity in some way. It's why I have a hard time asking about non-gender issues to other people, because I feel like I have to hide the gender part to get any help--that if I brought up the gender part, then I'd have to deal with transphobia and such. Obviously hiding/ignoring one major part of the problem doesn't really help me. So then in posting on here, it's like, I'm trying to address the gender parts obviously, but then I can't ignore the non-gender parts too? Like everything feels connected for me and it's really hard to separate it and deal with it in piecemeal. And then this entire year I've had to pretty much keep shut about all my problems, so right now I'm struggling to not just word vomit everywhere about everything, you know?

So if my posting is really all right I'll try to keep doing it. Maybe after things around here have calmed a bit, heh. Just kind of sensitive right now about causing "drama" and stuff, so I need to take my own baby steps.

i saw a dermatologist on monday after like a year of trying to get a referral but being run around by gps. she told me she thinks my hair loss is purely genetic but female pattern because the universe thinks it's fucking funny that the one thing hormones do is give me female pattern fucking baldness

her only suggestion was "try minoxidil and hope it stabilises (at your already pathetically fucking thin state) lol" though ive already used it in the past and stopped when my loss carried on despite it after months so that was a grand lot of nothing

so now im steeling my nerves to put myself under a truck because like shit im gonna be someone thats wearing a wig in their twenties on top of being trans

May I ask if you're not black? I am not black either fyi, but it might comfort you about your hair problems to read into what black women do with their hair? Many black women of many ages wear wigs. It's something that's not very noticeable about them--like, when looking at them, my first thought isn't OMG THAT'S A WIG, and I doubt it is for most people? Even if the wig is noticeable--you notice the hair looks too straight for a black woman, or the hair is PINK like some Nicki Minaj stuff--my take away is still...who cares? Because there's absolutely no shame in wearing a wig. The person's hair looks great, and it doesn't matter if that hair is natural or a wig. Or if the style is helped with lacing or extensions. This idea applies to other races too. I've seen white people whose hair is clearly not natural, because of their usage of extensions or whatever. Still, if their hair looks good on them, who cares if they're using extensions? (And you can use extensions in a way that looks natural too.)

Again, assuming you're not black, maybe if you read up on black women who choose to wear wigs or do similar things with their hair, and why they choose to do that with their hair, and how people react to their hair... it might help with your confidence a little? The situations aren't the same, I know. There's many reasons why someone, of any gender or race, would wear a wig. There's methods of hair manipulation that looks natural and some that are obviously not, and there's different reasons to pick natural or nonnatural looks. These different perspectives might help with your confidence a bit. It's just an idea.

I mention black hair culture because I think it's the easiest way to look into a group of people who wear wigs, at least online. Other people wear wigs too, but I think it would be harder to find their perspectives. If you think this would help, I know there's a lot of YouTube videos out there about hair.

Spoiler

This is what I get for reading Oh No They Didn't. I've learned more about hair and makeup, etc, from there than I ever have growing up with a female body, lol.

 

[Sibylus]

Just want to echo the numerous voices here for those in need: reach out, we're your brothers and sisters and we want to help.

 

[Box of Bunnies]

I rang and cancelled my next laser and endo appointments on Friday. I cut my hair short yesterday. I think my transition is pretty much dead at this point.

May I ask if you're not black? I am not black either fyi, but it might comfort you about your hair problems to read into what black women do with their hair?

I'm about as white as it gets, heh. Thanks, I know people wear wigs and weaves and extensions for lots of different reasons and at all sorts of ages and that they can look absolutely amazing with them but at this point it's just not an idea I'm really able to cope with. Not being able to have my natural hair is absolutely shattering to me, especially when I think back to when I was in my teens when people would compliment how thick and shiny my hair was, and especially when it then leads to thoughts like "well if I had started sooner, could I have avoided triggering it? If I had taken action then and been on hormones before I started balding, even if it's now female pattern now, would it have simply not started?" I can't deal.

 

[Butterfly Witch]

I rang and cancelled my next laser and endo appointments on Friday. I cut my hair short yesterday. I think my transition is pretty much dead at this point.



I'm about as white as it gets, heh. Thanks, I know people wear wigs and weaves and extensions for lots of different reasons and at all sorts of ages and that they can look absolutely amazing with them but at this point it's just not an idea I'm really able to cope with. Not being able to have my natural hair is absolutely shattering to me, especially when I think back to when I was in my teens when people would compliment how thick and shiny my hair was, and especially when it then leads to thoughts like "well if I had started sooner, could I have avoided triggering it? If I had taken action then and been on hormones before I started balding, even if it's now female pattern now, would it have simply not started?" I can't deal.

Box of Bunnies,

You can't think about "could have, should have, would have" because you'll torture yourself to death. We cannot change our pasts and we cannot go back and re-do a lot of the things we wish we could. I so wish I could have started sooner, maybe I too would have not developed bald spots and maybe I would have gotten some hips and waist but the truth is that I started late and now sometimes I feel like a walking rectangle with about as many curves as a NES.

It's hard and heartbreaking, soul crushing and sometimes it's going to feel like you're swimming against the tide but honestly all you can do is make the best of what you have, play to your strengths and do what you can. There will be horrible moments indeed, dysphoria is such a mother fucking bitch.


However, you can't give up. Your transition is for yourself above all and it's all about you feeling comfortable in your own body . Stopping transition now will probably only make things worse and you deserve better. I'm so sorry about your struggles and I know you can't deal right now but please don't make any decisions in the heat of the moment and with emotions running high because those are the impulse decisions that can really hurt us.


If you need someone to listen, I'm here for you. Please don't be afraid of seeking help, we're here for you!!

 

[Team Alucard]

.

.

.

Thank you all for your words of kindness and encouragement. It felt good to finally get this off my chest, even if it was behind a computer screen. And seeing people call me by my real name made me smile. =)

I appreciate you each sharing your own stories as well. The additional perspective is why I have enjoyed following this thread for a long time, well before I was a registered member of GAF.

I'm sorry if my previous post was a bit melodramatic, I've just been struggling with quite a bit lately. I've known I was trans for several years, and while I never hated or cursed myself for it, I always felt a simple, quiet resignation about it and would try to ignore my feelings and distract myself with other things. For a while that worked. I won't say I was 'happy', but I was able to function, but it's just gotten so much harder in the last couple years, and I've found myself becoming very depressed. Enough for me to realize that I can't keep going on this way and to seriously considering transitioning, but I'm just so terrified. I've been absolutely paralyzed by anxiety and indecision for the past few months. I have been looking into finding a therapist and *maybe* joining a local support group, but I keep stupidly putting it off. I know that I need to do something soon because I'm not sure how much more I can take before I completely fall apart.

 

[mollipen]

I rang and cancelled my next laser and endo appointments on Friday. I cut my hair short yesterday. I think my transition is pretty much dead at this point.

I was about to write about how you were making a huge decision, and how wrong you are, and why you shouldn't be doing what you're doing.

The truth is, though, I kind of understand. I asked myself what I'd do in the same situation, and I really don't know. At this point my hair is such a huge part of my identity and my transition, and it's been a huge security blanket of sorts for me in my passibility. I have trans friends who wear wigs, because their natural hair wouldn't cut it, and I don't know if I'd ever want to be in that position. I want to say that I'd still be going through everything that I am now, but—man it'd be hard.

I know that isn't very supportive, but it's how I really feel. As someone not in your position, I think you're making a mistake, and I think you'll be worse off not transitioning than if you did but had to deal with this. Yet I also understand why you're feeling the way you are.

 

[Box of Bunnies]

Your transition is for yourself above all and it's all about you feeling comfortable in your own body.

I appreciate what you're saying, really I do. Thank you for encouraging me to continue. i know that, all things being equal, I would have to transition. But you kind of nail it right in this bit I've quoted here. "Feeling comfortable in your own body." I'm never going to feel comfortable in my own body when the step in my morning routine after putting the kettle on is pulling my wig on. Or sitting down and styling my hair in just the right way to cover my thinning and then hoping it holds steady for the rest of the day.

I was about to write about how you were making a huge decision, and how wrong you are, and why you shouldn't be doing what you're doing.

The truth is, though, I kind of understand. I asked myself what I'd do in the same situation, and I really don't know. At this point my hair is such a huge part of my identity and my transition, and it's been a huge security blanket of sorts for me in my passibility. I have trans friends who wear wigs, because their natural hair wouldn't cut it, and I don't know if I'd ever want to be in that position. I want to say that I'd still be going through everything that I am now, but—man it'd be hard.

I know that isn't very supportive, but it's how I really feel. As someone not in your position, I think you're making a mistake, and I think you'll be worse off not transitioning than if you did but had to deal with this. Yet I also understand why you're feeling the way you are.

Honestly yours is the realest answer I've gotten, and could expect to get, from this. A lot of what I've heard so far defaults to the "well you've gotta soldier on in spite of that" type answer from other trans people or the "well you're not the only person dealing with that, you can get past it and cope" stuff from my family members. Your response is actually really refreshing.

People just can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that after everything we already miss out on, everything we can't do, all the compromises we have to make as part of this shit, that "no, your hair is fucked as well" is one final "fuck you, you don't get to have shit" kick in the gut too far that I'm simply not able to deal with.

Really, thank you for being brutally honest.

 

[Platy]

I will never undestand things like this .... but than again I never understand the random "never feel complete because biology" that always appear in this thread

But when I think about cancer or other problems I always see myself as a girl who would have cancer, not a chemical therapy bald dude, but then again my hair is kinda thin... when people try to make braids on my hair it always end up like a padawan braid. My entire hair, a padawan braid. Hair genetics sucks too in my family ... but I guess when I see a girl using a wig I think about my aunt and not a drag queen or something so wearing wigs must mean something different for me.

kinda weird how wigs are kinda like trans people in some regards .... we would have a better understand and visibility in the society if we didn't had so many that pass in the same way that we only see "that's a wig" on someone using a non passable wig. You know, toupée fallacy and all

Not being hairy, not being bearded, not being whatever is STILL better than being hairy, bearded and whatever EVEN if I don't feel like the prettiest snowflake because of shoulders, gijoe chins or whatever.

Girls wake up and put on makeup and braid their hair and do stuff to be prettier, why not one step more ?
Or bald look and proud .... you can make it work girly style. Usualy works best with earrings, some cool makeup and stuffs like that

But if it makes you happy ... go for it =P

 

[Box of Bunnies]

I know not transitioning isn't really a thing I'd actually be able to keep up, I'm just dealing badly with this news and swinging too hard in the opposite direction. I think with a bit more distance from the initial impact I'll start putting things back together, get my appointments and things reorganised and learn to try to cope with it.

Sorry for the dramatics, everyone. And thank you.

 

[mollipen]

Yeah, give it a little time. I can't count the amount of times I've been worked up over something and ready to make drastic decisions, and then later calmed down and been glad I didn't make them.

In other news, name change officially legal today! Whee. Hit the courthouse, Social Security administration, DMV, two banks, and called my health insurance company. So, got as much of the major stuff taken care of in one day as possible.

 

[Alchemy]

In other news, name change officially legal today! Whee. Hit the courthouse, Social Security administration, DMV, two banks, and called my health insurance company. So, got as much of the major stuff taken care of in one day as possible.

Congrats! You must have gone to some less crowded offices, I would never be able to hit all those up in a single day. Its pretty nice to get shit out of the way. I finally just got all my credit cards corrected, lots of random agencies drag their feet on that.

 

[Sibylus]

Hell yes, Shidoshi! Heartfelt congratulations

 

[Kinsei]

Congrats Shidoshi!

I'm sorry if my previous post was a bit melodramatic, I've just been struggling with quite a bit lately. I've known I was trans for several years, and while I never hated or cursed myself for it, I always felt a simple, quiet resignation about it and would try to ignore my feelings and distract myself with other things. For a while that worked. I won't say I was 'happy', but I was able to function, but it's just gotten so much harder in the last couple years, and I've found myself becoming very depressed. Enough for me to realize that I can't keep going on this way and to seriously considering transitioning, but I'm just so terrified. I've been absolutely paralyzed by anxiety and indecision for the past few months. I have been looking into finding a therapist and *maybe* joining a local support group, but I keep stupidly putting it off. I know that I need to do something soon because I'm not sure how much more I can take before I completely fall apart.

I highly recommend joining the support group, for me it was one of the best decisions I made in my life.

 

[Misha]

Anyone have any good studies or scientific links on the concept of gender? I have a few friends that accept transgender people and their decisions but not the idea that their gender is something real(not like they misgender but I guess they think it's more of a choice). I recall reading about a study that showed that rats have a concept of gender so maybe something like that?

Just frustrating because they call my responses without sources "tumblring", "not philosophical", and "not scientific". Meanwhile they have even less sources and their entire thing is based around the idea that gender is entirely a construct and not related to nature.

I guess though the most frustrating part is that they're acting like it's not worth their time because they know they're right already and the others without argument just don't want to deal with it, which is especially frustrating after they made offhand comments that (though not intentionally) are transphobic and biphobic.

 

[Platy]

I will never understand the feel of "it is a construct therefore it is fake inexistent meaningless". You know what are also social constructs ? Capitalism, possession of goods, territory, money, ownership of land.

Try to ignore those because they are not real to see how real a prison is =P

 

[Misha]

I will never understand the feel of "it is a construct therefore it is fake inexistent meaningless". You know what are also social constructs ? Capitalism, possession of goods, territory, money, ownership of land.

Try to ignore those because they are not real to see how real a prison is =P

I agree and I got over that line of thinking over time (my parents are very "show me the proof" type of people)

I just don't know how to set my friends straight when they say something that could be harmful to my friend who already deals with heavy depression and beats herself up. Personally for me I just stop talking to them for awhile which is a little disappointing but for the best but I don't want it to feed my friend's negative feelings of self worth.

Maybe I shouldn't try to help and just dump the friends. Idk.

 

[Alchemy]

So my face is a swollen angry mess right now, yaaaay first electrolysis. Pain management suggestions? T.T

 

[Amalthea]

Ice bags.

 

[mollipen]

So my face is a swollen angry mess right now, yaaaay first electrolysis. Pain management suggestions? T.T

Oh! Did you end up going to the person I recommended? Or someone else?

I put a Lidocaine 5% cream on my face where I'm going to have it done about a half hour before every session, which helps numb things a little (and I emphasize "little"). I've found no benefit from any over-the-counter painkillers (Advil, Tylenol, Aleve, etc.), but some people get results from painkillers of other sources (Vicodin, Tramadol, marijuana).

For me, I've found nothing that consistently helps beyond the Lidocaine. The good part is that you'll get use to it as things go on, and it won't hurt as bad. (You'll always have bad days, though.) The bad part is that hormones increase the pain you'll get from electrolysis due to various factors, so if you didn't get through as much of it as you could before starting HRT, then WHOOPS.

For anyone who is considering transitioning, and who needs to go the electrolysis route, get as much of it done before you start HRT as you can. Cannot emphasize that enough. I know trans girls who ended up just quitting electrolysis after starting HRT because they just couldn't take it anymore.

 

[sweetdee]

I agree and I got over that line of thinking over time (my parents are very "show me the proof" type of people)

I just don't know how to set my friends straight when they say something that could be harmful to my friend who already deals with heavy depression and beats herself up. Personally for me I just stop talking to them for awhile which is a little disappointing but for the best but I don't want it to feed my friend's negative feelings of self worth.

Maybe I shouldn't try to help and just dump the friends. Idk.

There's a peer-reviewed article in the medical journal "Endocrine Practice" from February this year that reviews previous scientific studies into biological causes of gender identity and concludes that there is a biological basis for it, though the exact mechanisms have not been identified yet.

Citation: Evidence Supporting the Biologic Nature of Gender Identity. Endocrine Practice: February 2015, Vol. 21, No. 2, pp. 199-204.

http://journals.aace.com/doi/abs/10.4158/EP14351.RA

From the article:

CONCLUSION

Current data suggest a biologic etiology for transgender identity. Studies of DSD patients and neuroanatomical studies provide the strongest evidence for the organic basis of transgender identity. Because the sample sizes of most studies on this subject were small, the conclusions must be interpreted with caution. Further research is required to assign specific biologic mechanisms for gender identity.

Obviously I can't reproduce the whole article here because the journal has the publication rights, but you can access the article at doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.4158/EP14351.RA using a university account, or at your library if they have a subscription to the journal.

There are a zillion legal, medical, psychological and philosophical published articles and books supporting gender identity as a concept that is influenced by biology. Even Judith Butler - who came up with the theory of performativity in gender, by which she meant gender is a set of stylised acts performed over and over - later published that she did not mean for her theory to in any way invalidate the legitimacy of transsexual people's experience of gender or to prevent transsexual people from receiving medical intervention to live as their gender identity (it's in the latest introduction to "Gender Trouble").

The second wave feminist idea that gender is completely constructed socially is generally now recognised as a useful platform to advocate for the end of institutionalised sexism and the oppression of women, but it is a theory that doesn't account for physical bodies and the experiences those bodies produce. Gender identity is rooted physically in the brain - all scientific evidence points to it. Unfortunately there is not enough interest in the plights of transgender people for the scientific community to get the funding to investigate it with a large scale study.

The American Psychiatric Association no longer recognises being transgender as a disorder as of DSM-V, which reclassifies "gender identity disorder" as "gender dysphoria" - the new entry makes it clear that it is included in the DSM to enable diagnosis purely to ensure insurance companies will cover treatments, and it is made clear that it is not a disorder. This reclassification and destigmatisation of gender dysphoria as being a mental disorder was decided on by highly placed professionals working in psychiatry. It recognises that gender identity is THE primary sexual characteristic, because treatment involves making other sexual characteristics conform to it. There is a discussion of this in the June 2015 issue of the journal Vermont Law Review:

Citation: Levasseur, M. Dru. 2015. "GENDER IDENTITY DEFINES SEX: UPDATING THE LAW TO REFLECT MODERN MEDICAL SCIENCE IS KEY TO TRANSGENDER RIGHTS." Vermont Law Review 39, no. 4: 943-1004.

All peer-accepted, uncontroversial scientific evidence points against gender identity being "made up".

Honestly though, if you need to prove your own life experience to people before they will take your word for it, if they don't respect you enough to believe you are sane and suffering when you tell them you are, then you probably don't need them to be your friends. You have to choose who you use your time and energy on. Whenever someone challenges me to a conversation about the legitimacy of basically what and who I am, I always think, is this person worth this conversation? I had all those conversations with my family years ago, it's really hard to justify having it with anyone else now. Not because the conversation isn't worthwhile or because it wont help contribute to a better social/legal/medical/state situation for trans people, but because I only have so much energy and time to spend each day, and I don't want to spend it doing THAT. There are plenty of people who accept me straight up as being a legit person with a legit identity, I'd rather have a conversation with one of them than with someone who from the outset thinks I'm insane or have some agenda to affect their life in some way.

 

[Alchemy]

Oh! Did you end up going to the person I recommended? Or someone else?

I put a Lidocaine 5% cream on my face where I'm going to have it done about a half hour before every session, which helps numb things a little (and I emphasize "little"). I've found no benefit from any over-the-counter painkillers (Advil, Tylenol, Aleve, etc.), but some people get results from painkillers of other sources (Vicodin, Tramadol, marijuana).

For me, I've found nothing that consistently helps beyond the Lidocaine. The good part is that you'll get use to it as things go on, and it won't hurt as bad. (You'll always have bad days, though.) The bad part is that hormones increase the pain you'll get from electrolysis due to various factors, so if you didn't get through as much of it as you could before starting HRT, then WHOOPS.

For anyone who is considering transitioning, and who needs to go the electrolysis route, get as much of it done before you start HRT as you can. Cannot emphasize that enough. I know trans girls who ended up just quitting electrolysis after starting HRT because they just couldn't take it anymore.

I found someone a little closer, though the commute is still a pain thanks to the 405 :|

I didn't really know what I was getting into so I probably didn't put on the Lidocaine early enough for it to help much, not a mistake I'm making again. Wearing that shit while I'm driving in next time! Such little was actually touched but it felt like she stampeded around all over my face T.T

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

<3

 

[Misha]

All peer-accepted, uncontroversial scientific evidence points against gender identity being "made up".

Thank you! This is exactly what I asked for

Honestly though, if you need to prove your own life experience to people before they will take your word for it, if they don't respect you enough to believe you are sane and suffering when you tell them you are, then you probably don't need them to be your friends. You have to choose who you use your time and energy on. Whenever someone challenges me to a conversation about the legitimacy of basically what and who I am, I always think, is this person worth this conversation? I had all those conversations with my family years ago, it's really hard to justify having it with anyone else now. Not because the conversation isn't worthwhile or because it wont help contribute to a better social/legal/medical/state situation for trans people, but because I only have so much energy and time to spend each day, and I don't want to spend it doing THAT. There are plenty of people who accept me straight up as being a legit person with a legit identity, I'd rather have a conversation with one of them than with someone who from the outset thinks I'm insane or have some agenda to affect their life in some way.

You're really not wrong, I'm just getting tired of having to ignore/avoid people because they can't be reasoned with. These sadly are my more progressive friends. Fortunately some are legit worth talking to so I can engage them one on one but the group keeps giving me reasons to take breaks from them. Well gotta jumpstart that search for new friends I keep thinking about

Still worried about my friend like I'm worried about my sister parroting my dad's beliefs instead of coming up with her own but I guess it's an uphill battle that I'm probably not best to handle (I'm awful at debate since fallacies just make me mad rather than giving me an easy point to pick apart)

 

[yeoz]

I passed out a couple days ago after an E injection. Got up to get a bandaid and I fainted and broke a door pretty good on the way down.
I have a mild concussion and a nice bruise/cut on my shoulder.

So I don't really know if I should go to the trans march today. At least, I'm in the official artwork. See if you can find me!

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

Whenever I start E, should I do pills, patch or injection?
I hate needles do that would at the end if the list, but id like to know all of your opinions on the matter.

 

[yeoz]

Whenever I start E, should I do pills, patch or injection?
I hate needles do that would at the end if the list, but id like to know all of your opinions on the matter.

Injections are probably the most effective. Patches can be as effective, but doctors tend to underdose patches, in my experience. Pills are okay if you're taking them sublingually.

 

[mollipen]

Whenever I start E, should I do pills, patch or injection?
I hate needles do that would at the end if the list, but id like to know all of your opinions on the matter.

What about pellets? That's what I do, and they're the bee's knees.

And my understanding of potency is pellets > injections > pills > patches.

 

[iirate]

What about pellets? That's what I do, and they're the bee's knees.

And my understanding of potency is pellets > injections > pills > patches.

What are pellets, and how do they differ from pills?(EDIT: Google helped with this ^_^ )

I wish I wasn't such a baby with regards to injections.

 

[IceDoesntHelp]

What about pellets? That's what I do, and they're the bee's knees.

And my understanding of potency is pellets > injections > pills > patches.

never even heard of pellets o:

I wish I wasn't such a baby with regards to injections.

same here ):

 

[Amalthea]

Pellets will have to be injected too. Not to forget the mandatory blood tests.

 

[iirate]

Pellets will have to be injected too. Not to forget the mandatory blood tests.

Blood testing doesn't actually bother me that much. Injections that don't feel "necessary" do, even if they're the correct route.

 

[mollipen]

Pellets will have to be injected too. Not to forget the mandatory blood tests.

I don't known if "injected" is the word I'd use, but yeah.

Here's what happens with me. Pants down enough to expose rump, lay on the table. I get s shot (which I can't see) for the local anesthetic. That part does admittedly sting, but it's over quick. Minute or so later, doctor does his thing, which there isn't one bit of pain from. And, again, because of the position, I can't see any of it, so it's not freaky.

At first, it's just once every three months. Now I'm on once every four, and that may increase again.