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[Rest]

[snip]

I was going to start a general gripe/vent/advice thread today, after something that happened yesterday.

Does anyone know if we already have one of those? I've never seen one. Could be a good thing to have around.

 

[Llyranor]

Got a girl's number yesterday. She seems cool, but she's deaf, and doesn't seem to read lips well, and I can't sign. Could be a disaster waiting to happen, but I may as well give it a shot...

Bring pen and paper. Good luck!

 

[ZackieChan]

Got a girl's number yesterday. She seems cool, but she's deaf, and doesn't seem to read lips well, and I can't sign. Could be a disaster waiting to happen, but I may as well give it a shot...

I've had girlfriends in other countries that didn't speak much English. You can always just communicate through a messaging app (I had one that would translate). And learn some signs - it could make her feel like you care. I guess it could be taken negatively, but that would be more of a reflection of her than of your actions.

Maybe learn how to say hello and compliment her using ASL.

 

[luckyboyceo]

Got a girl's number yesterday. She seems cool, but she's deaf, and doesn't seem to read lips well, and I can't sign. Could be a disaster waiting to happen, but I may as well give it a shot...

How did you get her number then? Honest question.

 

[Belle Amour]

Why haven't you changed your email password? Have you talked to your dad about this? The two of you may be on the same page, you'll have someone to calm her down when you're not there.

Before i knew that this was a problem, i didn't think of changing my password plus didn't think i really needed to. i thought that she was just gonna log out. I changed my password immediately after this shit happened though. Also, i haven't talked to my dad yet. One of two things could happen. He'll take my side or hers. Im worried though that he'll accuse me of being disrespectful towards her by demanding my privacy or he may realize I'm right and do nothing because we both know she's not gonna change. Not sure how he'll react though. just gonna give it some time and ween her off from calling everyday. If there are future problems thats when ill talk to my dad about all this.

 

[n64coder]

OOPS my mistake--i asked her to log me out and she never did. Since then, she has been going through my emails and even forwarded one of my PERSONAL emails to herself which had NOTHING to do with her, COMPLETELY BREACHING MY PERSONAL PRIVACY.

You mentioned changing your password. You should also setup two step authentication on your account.

 

[Belle Amour]

You mentioned changing your password. You should also setup two step authentication on your account.

I wasn't aware that was something i could do. My university uses gmail. How do i set that up?

 

[Belle Amour]

I was going to start a general gripe/vent/advice thread today, after something that happened yesterday.

Does anyone know if we already have one of those? I've never seen one. Could be a good thing to have around.

i had the exact same question. If there isn't one, there should be Cause i felt kinda funny posting this into dating age but this is the only advice thread that i know of currently.

 

[ZackieChan]

I wasn't aware that was something i could do. My university uses gmail. How do i set that up?

Somewhere in Settings, I'd imagine. Just Google "gmail two factor authentication" and you'll find your answer.

 

[Noclue]

Hey guys, back from the date. It was fun but I don't see myself going out with her again, don't feel it. Not really looking for an easy hookup.

Am I approaching dates in the wrong way if my first date aim isn't to hook up with the person and just get to know them, which I use as a filter for potential relationships? I feel like there's this huge hookup culture that I can also see throughout posts here. I usually make a move on the second date. Do I need to change my approach, is that what most girls want more?

 

[gaiages]

As far as I know, there's not a general advice thread, but that's likely because most people that need general advice/to vent are full members and simply make a thread. Also GAF loves thread backfires, which is what happens half the time.

 

[Liu Kang Baking A Pie]

Hey guys, back from the date. It was fun but I don't see myself going out with her again, don't feel it. Not really looking for an easy hookup.

Am I approaching dates in the wrong way if my first date aim isn't to hook up with the person and just get to know them, which I use as a filter for potential relationships? I feel like there's this huge hookup culture that I can also see throughout posts here. I usually make a move on the second date. Do I need to change my approach, is that what most girls want more?

You never really know until the date happens. I often don't want to get there until date 3 or later, but I'd say about half of my dates have pushed for it on date 1 or 2. It's always an awkward moment.

 

[DOWN]

Uh oh, I'm supposed to plan the date tonight. Give me some ideas por favor. Doesn't have to be crazy.

 

[Sparkedglory]

I just had to smile at this part since this is the dating thread

Serious answer: I don't think cutting your mom out of your life is the answer, it's a bit excessive. However, the status quo is going to drive you insane. You already have a great advantage in not living at home right now, so she can't really effectively control you unless you let her.

Re: the email thing, but that is completely inappropriate, but I'm not surprised a controlling parent would do that. Just take steps so that it never happens again.

In terms of calling, just stop calling her everyday. If she calls back, just say you're busy and that you'll call back tomorrow or in a couple of days, or just don't pick up. Making her go cold turkey will be difficult, but wean her off by calling every few days instead. If she complains about it, just explain that you're an adult and need your space/priority. And she can't do anything about.

She can react in two main ways:
- She can eventually (this may take time) realize that she're an adult and that you can and will dictate the terms of the relationship with her, and will give you more space if she doesn't want to damage the relationship
- she will freak out and escalate things and harass your phone/etc. Either she eventually realizes it doesn't work, or if things still don't get better, THAT's when you might have to start thinking about an ultimatum

It's not all on you. She has her part to play as well in terms of making this a non-toxic relationship.


That's the thing, though, isn't it? Even if things are swell from now on, there'll always be that part of your brain that'll remember that she was capable of doing this to you.

And her lack of empathy during and after the event is pretty telling.


My friends were a tremendous help for me when I was going through a bad break-up. That support was extremely helpful and appreciated. It's when times are tough that you realize who your great friends are.

Therapists are human beings. Just like you, they're fallible people that can make mistakes. It's wrong to think of a therapist and their advice as some type of holy gospel--that isn't the point of a therapist. Therapists are essentially people with degrees in being able to dig into your emotions and try to help you face them. If your therapist is saying "If you don't do what I say in the way I'm saying it, then you'll never get better", then she is a bad therapist and you should get another one. Their purpose is to help you, not direct your life, and to decide if there is further professional help that you need (whether it be another type of therapist, or some sort of medication for depression/mental illness). If you are taking everything they say as "if I don't do this, then I'll never get better", then that's not the right mindset to have.

As for the subject at hand, your therarpist is somewhat right--as long as you don't look at the page, then effectively it shouldn't matter. But stn is also right. Not going to her page, but not blocking her, is a passive choice, more like you're just going with the flow and if you get over her, you get over her. Going to her page and blocking her is an active choice, in that you are taking the effort to go onto these sites and removing her from your life. The active choice is also the more painful one, as you saw, because it makes you really face your feelings and take that first, deliberate step towards moving on, consciously.

Whether you want to live life passively or actively is ultimately your choice.



Honestly, it's good to open up to your friends, if they're true friends. They can help you through rough emotional patches. And while I fully believe that "fake it till you make it" works, it's always nice to have someone to open up to that's not a therapist. Support groups and all that.

Also, Infinity, please stop arguing the exact definitions of some of the things we say. You know full well what Llyanor meant by having her as a 'friend', and if you truly don't, then you have to take everything that is said so literally.

I also say that to you, Diaboli. It's good to have a friend you can talk to personal matters about. It helps to get through the stress/frustration a lot.



I understand that's what you're doing, but that's not a healthy mindset to have in terms of looking for a new girlfriend. Great for hook-ups and one night stands, but for a tangible relationship you may come away disappointed.



So you don't forgive her, think lowly of her, but still want to be friends? One of these things doesn't fit in correctly. Please, just cut her from her life. If she legitimately thought that would be a funny joke in the least, she clearly has no regard for your feelings at all, apologies or no.



I don't really agree with people calling him a doormat (I don't think he was, and just had trouble reacting to the situation), but she did not immediately apologize, and the fact that she *kept the joke going* after it should have been immensely obvious that she was making both him and the friend uncomfortable, and his silence afterwards when they were in the car together. To be blunt, I highly, highly doubt she lacks that amount of social nuance to fail to notice how malicious that joke was for that amount of time, unless she has a social mental disorder like Aspburger's.

Yeah, just go ahead and assume. No I don't think lowly of her. I'm fustrated yes, it's not something I'm going to forget yes. She realized what she did and doesn't think it was funny. She did immediately apologize after she realized. She is extremely remorseful and feels like shit. It's obvious that she cares a bit. So I won't just keep harping on her. At the very least I'll try to continue on with the friendship because I do care about her.

 

[ZackieChan]

Yeah, just go ahead and assume. No I don't think lowly of her. I'm fustrated yes, it's not something I'm going to forget yes. She realized what she did and doesn't think it was funny. She did immediately apologize after she realized. She is extremely remorseful and feels like shit. It's obvious that she cares a bit. So I won't just keep harping on her. At the very least I'll try to continue on with the friendship because I do care about her.

Via con dios

 

[Septimius]

Uh oh, I'm supposed to plan the date tonight. Give me some ideas por favor. Doesn't have to be crazy.

Second date? Third? Where are we? Here are some, anyway:

1)
See a movie
Eat
Go for a walk through a park, or some place cozy

2)
Coffee

3)
Invite her to your place
Cook for her
See movie
Watch the stars from your balcony

4)
Go on a hike to a nice view

5)
Go-karting
or bowling
or kiting
or an activity YOU know that you can show her. Show her 'your world'

6)
Drive to a nice view
Go to something locally from there? Like ice cream? Or a restaurant? Maybe you know of the best burger, or the best ice cream in town?

7)
Use one of your hobbies or skills to make or show her something you're good at

 

[DOWN]

Second date? Third? Where are we? Here are some, anyway:

1)
See a movie
Eat
Go for a walk through a park, or some place cozy

2)
Coffee

3)
Invite her to your place
Cook for her
See movie
Watch the stars from your balcony

4)
Go on a hike to a nice view

5)
Go-karting
or bowling
or kiting
or an activity YOU know that you can show her. Show her 'your world'

6)
Drive to a nice view
Go to something locally from there? Like ice cream? Or a restaurant? Maybe you know of the best burger, or the best ice cream in town?

7)
Use one of your hobbies or skills to make or show her something you're good at

It's a third date and we are both guys. I think you've set me in the right direction with #5 because our first two dates were his idea and a bit more intimate/calm. So I want to change it up. But we talked about good burgers and how I'm good at pool the other night, so if he is in the mood, I'm taking him to try Smashburger and then we are going to the pool tables I was telling him about. That would be a fun time I think.

 

[Rest]

Bring pen and paper. Good luck!

Haha, indeed. Or, we could do the millennial thing and text back and forth while sitting two feet from each other.

How did you get her number then? Honest question.

She had read my lips earlier, so I just got her attention while she was signing with someone else. When she couldn't understand what I was saying, she asked her friend. That girl can hear, so she interpreted for us.


I think I have some friends that sign, because I'm pretty sure they were teaching their baby sign language before he could talk. Maybe I'll ask them to start teaching me.

 

[sasliquid]

So this next week will be interesting because

1. I will likely end up seeing my ex who broke up with me over two months ago. We had a year and a half long relation that was very emotionally intimate but then she broke up with me online, said she "wanted to be single for a while" and wanted a "break" which I don't belive. On top of that she may have BPD, we havent spoken in two months and while I'm a lot better than before I'm still not totally healed and this will likely draw up old wounds.

2. The same event will also be a good time to meet lots of new people and especially girls with similar interests of mine. I'm not really ready for another relationship but it would be good to get some flirting going as my self esteem has taken a pretty bad hit. I have the advantage of being an older member (it's a university society thing) but I feel like I've lost the art of flirting and my last relationship was just a stroke of good luck.

So yeah, I'm pretty anxious. Gotta balance the right level of alcohol so I can talk to new people without crying to my ex. -_-

 

[Rest]

So I'm writing up an OP for a general venting thread. Would anybody like to read what I have so far?
Also, I want to style it as an OT, so if there's anybody that could make some kind of banners, that would be swell.

 

[Psychoward]

If someone agreed to go out tonight around 8 and it's now 8:30 and they haven't said anything how long do I wait before giving up or double texting ))))))))))

 

[Rest]

If someone agreed to go out tonight around 8 and it's now 8:30 and they haven't said anything how long do I wait before giving up or double texting ))))))))))

When's the last time you texted? If it was at or around 8, go ahead.
I mean, if you're being stood up, does it really matter if you bug them?

 

[PflargBlarg]

If someone agreed to go out tonight around 8 and it's now 8:30 and they haven't said anything how long do I wait before giving up or double texting ))))))))))

Attempt to contact this person one more time.

And then, it's very important, it's over. It may sound harsh, but if they had any actual interest you they would contact you back. Now, if she gets back to you and has a good reason for why she didn't show up then feel free to try again.

If you don't get anything back or it's some lameass reason like "I was busy with <friend>" or something, then it's done.

 

[Psychoward]

she said her phone wasn't letting her access texts and then friended me through facebook, apologized and said we could still go out tonight if I wanted and where I wanted to meet her


we good. it would have been odd if she wasn't interested cause she was the one who friended me on all social media (instagram, snapchat etc.) first before I even brought it up. Kind of a lame indicator but hey it's 2015

 

[Gray Matter]

I think I need to take a step back and reevaluate this whole dating thing.

I don't meet many women, mainly because I have an extremely small social circle and we don't do anything that involves other people, although I have tried to change that.

Anyway, since I don't meet many (none really) women, every time I start to become interested in someone, go thru the motions which eventually leads to me being rejected, I get a feeling of resentment towards those women, and I know it's wrong and completely unacceptable. The feeling only last a few days until I realize that it isn't going anywhere and then I move on.

 

[n64coder]

I think I need to take a step back and reevaluate this whole dating thing.

I don't meet many women, mainly because I have an extremely small social circle and we don't do anything that involves other people, although I have tried to change that.

It's ok to take a break but I would suggest to try to widen your social circle by doing other activities. Try some meet ups in your area. Look for some classes to try. Join an activities group that do outdoor activities. Good luck!

 

[Unai]

A female friend set up a double date with her, her boyfriend and a girl she wanted to introduce me. It was great. The girl is just amazing. I've texted her on facebook later on when I got home. She said "It was a pleasure to meet you ". I've then tried to set up a date tomorrow but she said that she has to study because she has some tests on college this week. The only problem is that she didn't try to sugest another day... My friend said she is indeed studying a lot these days and it might also me because she is in a tight budget.

I'll try to text her some random shit in the following days and see if she seems interested. If not, I'll move on soon.

 

[gaiages]

Yeah, just go ahead and assume. No I don't think lowly of her. I'm fustrated yes, it's not something I'm going to forget yes. She realized what she did and doesn't think it was funny. She did immediately apologize after she realized. She is extremely remorseful and feels like shit. It's obvious that she cares a bit. So I won't just keep harping on her. At the very least I'll try to continue on with the friendship because I do care about her.

Very well, it's your life. It's not good to continue relationships based on things like "I'll never forget this", therefore ruining trust (a fundamental of most interactions between two people), be seeing as how defensive you have gotten over our advice (which, well, not everyone can know 100% of everything, we have to make some assumptions), I doubt you will listen any further.

So I'm writing up an OP for a general venting thread. Would anybody like to read what I have so far?
Also, I want to style it as an OT, so if there's anybody that could make some kind of banners, that would be swell.

There's an OT OT (yes) stickied to one of the forums on GAF, someone there should be able to help.

 

[Astral]

Coworker came in looking fine today. Fuuuuck. Why must this happen to me?

 

[Miroku129]

I think I need to take a step back and reevaluate this whole dating thing.

I don't meet many women, mainly because I have an extremely small social circle and we don't do anything that involves other people, although I have tried to change that.

Anyway, since I don't meet many (none really) women, every time I start to become interested in someone, go thru the motions which eventually leads to me being rejected, I get a feeling of resentment towards those women, and I know it's wrong and completely unacceptable. The feeling only last a few days until I realize that it isn't going anywhere and then I move on.

I know that feel bro... :c

 

[gaiages]

Coworker came in looking fine today. Fuuuuck. Why must this happen to me?

Sir, I believe you need a quick rebound to get your hormones in check.

Not with the co-worker of course, but it might help you... clear your head... for times and more serious dates to come.

Spoiler

My brain is secretly a 13 year old boy's

 

[Astral]

Sir, I believe you need a quick rebound to get your hormones in check.

Not with the co-worker of course, but it might help you... clear your head... for times and more serious dates to come.

Spoiler

My brain is secretly a 13 year old boy's

She's off limits to me not because she's a coworker but because she's happily taken. One night stands don't really help me either.

 

[Mobile Suit Gooch]

I think I need to take a step back and reevaluate this whole dating thing.

I don't meet many women, mainly because I have an extremely small social circle and we don't do anything that involves other people, although I have tried to change that.

Anyway, since I don't meet many (none really) women, every time I start to become interested in someone, go thru the motions which eventually leads to me being rejected, I get a feeling of resentment towards those women, and I know it's wrong and completely unacceptable. The feeling only last a few days until I realize that it isn't going anywhere and then I move on.

Shit. I feel this way too.

But I still try tho.

 

[gaiages]

She's off limits to me not bec you she's a coworker but because she's happily taken. One night stands don't really help me either.

Ah, I thought you hadn't been with anyone since your last girlfriend. Nevermind, then.

 

[luckyboyceo]

What's the best way to tell someone you're not interested when you're out? Just walk away?

What if you're out with friends and you need to stay at your particular location? Do I just straight up say, "sorry, but (insert excuse)?" Or do I just sort of halfheartedly play along until it's time to go our separate ways? I've been doing the latter lately but I feel like shit each and every time. Anyone?

 

[Gray Matter]

What's the best way to tell someone you're not interested when you're out? Just walk away?

What if you're out with friends and you need to stay at your particular location? Do I just straight up say, "sorry, but (insert excuse)?" Or do I just sort of halfheartedly play along until it's time to go our separate ways? I've been doing the latter lately but I feel like shit each and every time. Anyone?

Speaking personally, I would prefer if the other person is honest and says they're not interested, that way we don't waste both our times.

 

[Tcab96]

I think I need to take a step back and reevaluate this whole dating thing.

I don't meet many women, mainly because I have an extremely small social circle and we don't do anything that involves other people, although I have tried to change that.

Anyway, since I don't meet many (none really) women, every time I start to become interested in someone, go thru the motions which eventually leads to me being rejected, I get a feeling of resentment towards those women, and I know it's wrong and completely unacceptable. The feeling only last a few days until I realize that it isn't going anywhere and then I move on.

This is pretty much me to a T. I feel you, bro.

 

[n64coder]

Speaking personally, I would prefer if the other person is honest and says they're not interested, that way we don't waste both our times.

It's not easy to be direct and tell someone no. So you should try to be better and read the social cues because that is the answer you'll get from most people. If you have some close friends, you could ask them for advice to see if the way you interact with people might be off putting to some?

 

[n64coder]

My friend said she is indeed studying a lot these days and it might also me because she is in a tight budget.

I'll try to text her some random shit in the following days and see if she seems interested. If not, I'll move on soon.

How good of a friend is she with this girl? You might have the advantage of getting a true reading of her feelings through your friend. See what she says about how you should proceed.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Ugh, the feeling of not returning to university hurts. Acquaintances of mine from back then are doing postgrad/returning from internships and are having the time of their lives in bars and clubs and meeting loads of cute girls, by the looks of things on social media. Have to keep reminding myself that social media =/= the complete reality of their lives. Meanwhile I sit at home still living the NEET life.

 

[gaiages]

Ugh, the feeling of not returning to university hurts. Acquaintances of mine from back then are doing postgrad/returning from internships and are having the time of their lives in bars and clubs and meeting loads of cute girls, by the looks of things on social media. Have to keep reminding myself that social media =/= the complete reality of their lives. Meanwhile I sit at home still living the NEET life.

What's stopping you from going to the bars and clubs?

 

[Unai]

How good of a friend is she with this girl? You might have the advantage of getting a true reading of her feelings through your friend. See what she says about how you should proceed.

Well, my friend has been teaching her English for about a year and a half. It's like 3 students per class so they eventually become close enough. I guess I could ask her if the girl said anything later this week after I know they had a class.

 

[Vaudeville Villain]

So, I think I'm pretty pathetic. I met a girl, began texting her and I thought everything was great. I was making her laugh, I think. She would text, "haha's" and shit. Her responses tend to be relatively short and she doesn't text me. I'm the one texting her. I'm taking that as a bad sign because it's showing lack of interest in wanting to talk to me, I think. There is seemingly very little desire, if any at all. I may be overthinking it, I tend to do things like this. I doubt it though, I've never been good at getting into relationships. My relationships are short lived.

 

[Jokab]

So, I think I'm pretty pathetic. I met a girl, began texting her and I thought everything was great. I was making her laugh, I think. She would text, "haha's" and shit. Her responses tend to be relatively short and she doesn't text me. I'm the one texting her. I'm taking that as a bad sign because it's showing lack of interest in wanting to talk to me, I think. There is seemingly very little desire, if any at all. I may be overthinking it, I tend to do things like this. I doubt it though, I've never been good at getting into relationships. My relationships are short lived.

You are not pathetic. This happens to everyone. If you read this thread and the online dating thread, you'll see that this happens to everyone all the time. It could depend on multiple things, such as her meeting someone else, being busy with stuff, you not asking her out quickly enough (this is often an important missed step), or her just not being interested for whatever reason. None of the above point to you being pathetic. Don't think like that.

 

[Vaudeville Villain]

You are not pathetic. This happens to everyone. If you read this thread and the online dating thread, you'll see that this happens to everyone all the time. It could depend on multiple things, such as her meeting someone else, being busy with stuff, you not asking her out quickly enough (this is often an important missed step), or her just not being interested for whatever reason. None of the above point to you being pathetic. Don't think like that.

We set up a date for next Sunday. She still doesn't seem all that interested, though.

 

[luckyboyceo]

Speaking personally, I would prefer if the other person is honest and says they're not interested, that way we don't waste both our times.

I'm with you on that. It's a pretty blunt thing to say to someone you just met though. Honestly, I'd rather just lie and say I'm seeing someone so that it's not so personal.

Thanks for the advice.

It's not easy to be direct and tell someone no. So you should try to be better and read the social cues because that is the answer you'll get from most people. If you have some close friends, you could ask them for advice to see if the way you interact with people might be off putting to some?

I've definitely been guilty of leading people on in the past. It's something I'm trying to get better about not doing, but I also don't want to just be cold to someone and hope they "get the hint." I mean, in some cases, that's only increased their interest.

I guess I should be more direct, as blunt as it may end up sounding.

 

[Gray Matter]

I'm with you on that. It's a pretty blunt thing to say to someone you just met though. Honestly, I'd rather just lie and say I'm seeing someone so that it's not so personal.

Thanks for the advice.

I've definitely been guilty of leading people on in the past. It's something I'm trying to get better about not doing, but I also don't want to just be cold to someone and hope they "get the hint." I mean, in some cases, that's only increased their interest.

I guess I should be more direct, as blunt as it may end up sounding.

That works too, not as blunt but points out that you're not interested/available. It would just be much easier, for both parties, if it was pointed out early on that notning will happen.

 

[Hollycat]

If guys hit on me at bars I just straight up tell them I'm not interested. I think it saves everyone time and effort, and that way I don't feel like a bitch if they get their hopes up.

 

[Gray Matter]

If guys hit on me at bars I just straight up tell them I'm not interested. I think it saves everyone time and effort, and that way I don't feel like a bitch if they get their hopes up.

I wish everyone woman that rejects me has this mindset.

 

[ZackieChan]

I wish everyone woman that rejects me has this mindset.

It all goes back to not putting too much stock in one woman until you know she's into you the same way. Be like a shark - always swimming, homey.