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[Sami+]

Gonna ask out my classmate for coffee after our test tomorrow, reinstalled Tinder for kicks. Honestly, I'm really not feeling the Tinder crowd most of the time. It's just not really my type most of the time I guess, but I did "super like" this one Palestinian girl. I'm Syrian so that should be a fun conversation. Every once in a while I find someone I'm interested on there but the sample size is really small and before last month it had started to get to me and make me feel like it was my fault. I really think it's just the numbers game. Ah well.

Things with the girl I've been seeing are still good, but I feel like I need to have other stuff going on too just keep myself from getting too attached. We had a real talk today and she said that she still really likes me and likes spending time together and going out one on one, but isn't ready to be someone's girlfriend again yet since she feels like she hasn't had a chance to be single and find herself as an individual since high school. I really do like her a lot, and the best case scenario for me is that we end up together for real, but I think it'll be better in the end if I try to see other people too. I really badly want to be her boyfriend, and I'll be going on dates and shit with her and every once in a while try to bring up the subject, but it's at the point now that I don't feel guilt for pursuing other possibilities while we're still in this weird phase. To anyone that hasn't been following I know it sounds like the typical friend zone bullshit but we've been on dates already, we've kissed, etc. She knows I like her and I know she likes me, but she's adamant on being ready before being official.

low key, there is one friend who is super gorgeous and a lot of fun to hang out with, but she just got broken up with about two months ago and still seems to be coping. Not gonna jump the gun on that one but I might express interest later on down the line. We don't hang out too often but last week we had a really small party at a friend's house that her ex was going to be at. When he left early, I texted her and she came right over around midnight and we drank together and danced and talked real shit til like 5 AM. She's pretty cool, I'd be up for a date. Might ask later down the line.

 

[Rur0ni]

Gonna ask out my classmate for coffee after our test tomorrow, reinstalled Tinder for kicks. Honestly, I'm really not feeling the Tinder crowd most of the time. It's just not really my type most of the time I guess, but I did "super like" this one Palestinian girl. I'm Syrian so that should be a fun conversation. Every once in a while I find someone I'm interested on there but the sample size is really small and before last month it had started to get to me and make me feel like it was my fault. I really think it's just the numbers game. Ah well.

Things with the girl I've been seeing are still good, but I feel like I need to have other stuff going on too just keep myself from getting too attached. We had a real talk today and she said that she still really likes me and likes spending time together and going out one on one, but isn't ready to be someone's girlfriend again yet since she feels like she hasn't had a chance to be single and find herself as an individual since high school. I really do like her a lot, and the best case scenario for me is that we end up together for real, but I think it'll be better in the end if I try to see other people too. I really badly want to be her boyfriend, and I'll be going on dates and shit with her and every once in a while try to bring up the subject, but it's at the point now that I don't feel guilt for pursuing other possibilities while we're still in this weird phase. To anyone that hasn't been following I know it sounds like the typical friend zone bullshit but we've been on dates already, we've kissed, etc. She knows I like her and I know she likes me, but she's adamant on being ready before being official.

low key, there is one friend who is super gorgeous and a lot of fun to hang out with, but she just got broken up with about two months ago and still seems to be coping. Not gonna jump the gun on that one but I might express interest later on down the line. We don't hang out too often but last week we had a really small party at a friend's house that her ex was going to be at. When he left early, I texted her and she came right over around midnight and we drank together and danced and talked real shit til like 5 AM. She's pretty cool, I'd be up for a date. Might ask later down the line.

Still seems to be coping? Gonna miss your chance, breh.

 

[Sami+]

Still seems to be coping? Gonna miss your chance, breh.

Eh, it's possible. Like I said, we talked real shit a few days ago and that included relationship stuff. Her ex is a good friend of mine and I feel like asking her out now would be weird and possibly even come off as a bit douchey. It's just a possibility in the back of my head atm, nothing more really.

edit - don't get me wrong, you're totally right and I would say the same but that particular one is a friendship I actually do value even JUST as a friendship, and we have plenty of mutual friends. I'm mulling over whether it'll be worth rocking the boat later, but definitely not right now.

 

[ShemhazaiX]

Inception!

Don't talk with them too much over text. Go OUT with them! You should move for an in-person meeting asap.

And if they're not interesting, stop talking with them?

Well it wasn't that I was taking too long asking them out, it's just that 5 people decided to message at once. Thats too much maaan. Either way I have a coffee date lined up for Saturday with the girl I consider the best prospect right now. There's another one I might ask out as well, she's really my speed, only problem is that she hates kids, which definitely hurts the long term prospects. Gonna see how that goes though.
And just stopping talking is difficult, I have trouble saying no. I decided to just respond as boring as they were. In theory they'll get bored eventually if I don't ask them out, right?

 

[Jokab]

Well it wasn't that I was taking too long asking them out, it's just that 5 people decided to message at once. Thats too much maaan. Either way I have a coffee date lined up for Saturday with the girl I consider the best prospect right now. There's another one I might ask out as well, she's really my speed, only problem is that she hates kids, which definitely hurts the long term prospects. Gonna see how that goes though.
And just stopping talking is difficult, I have trouble saying no. I decided to just respond as boring as they were. In theory they'll get bored eventually if I don't ask them out, right?

Is there a reason why you keep responding to boring people? If you think you're doing them a favor or being nice by keeping up the conversation when you're really not interested - stop it. Just stop responding, saves both of you time.

 

[ShemhazaiX]

Is there a reason why you keep responding to boring people? If you think you're doing them a favor or being nice by keeping up the conversation when you're really not interested - stop it. Just stop responding, saves both of you time.

Sunk cost fallacy pretty much. Tbf I automatically drop anything with zero prospects at all, like people who respond with literally nothing helpful.

 

[ZackieChan]

Well it wasn't that I was taking too long asking them out, it's just that 5 people decided to message at once. Thats too much maaan. Either way I have a coffee date lined up for Saturday with the girl I consider the best prospect right now. There's another one I might ask out as well, she's really my speed, only problem is that she hates kids, which definitely hurts the long term prospects. Gonna see how that goes though.
And just stopping talking is difficult, I have trouble saying no. I decided to just respond as boring as they were. In theory they'll get bored eventually if I don't ask them out, right?

You're taking this all way too seriously. Have some fun, will ya?

If there's too many messages, you don't have to reply to them all right away. Let them hang - look at what that does to all of the guys here in this thread! Makes 'em crazy in anticipation. You'll have 5 Darias (no offense) waiting with bated breath.

 

[gaiages]

Like, what? There was no closure and I tried to be mature about it, the fuck? Was there any other way I could've handled it GAF? Again, I'm not mad or depressed, but I'm a bit annoyed at how it ended without any closure for my sake.

That all was most definitely closure.

I dunno, I feel like I should've heard the exact reasoning from her mouth like particularly why she felt we weren't talking at much or whatever instead of me throwing assumptions out from what I see. I like talking about shit too much, I dunno, perhaps I expect too much. Ah well, I've learned from the experience I believe and that's what matters in the end.

I mean, you got way more than most do, there's rarely "an exact reason".

 

[Gotdatmoney]

I dunno, I feel like I should've heard the exact reasoning from her mouth like particularly why she felt we weren't talking at much or whatever instead of me throwing assumptions out from what I see. I like talking about shit too much, I dunno, perhaps I expect too much. Ah well, I've learned from the experience I believe and that's what matters in the end.

If she friends with bigios and she chose to hangout with them over you when datig, what nakes you think you'll even have a valid friendship? I'd dip the fuck out and go no contact.

 

[Llyranor]

She'll likely not give a precise or truthful answer, anyway. She wouldn't go out and say "I'm a bigot and your pro-LGBT stance is a turn-off", for example.

But in any case, if she decided to hang out more at the friend's than with you while you were in a relationship, any 'friendship' you maintain doesn't seem like it'd gp anywhere

 

[Daria]

You're taking this all way too seriously. Have some fun, will ya?

If there's too many messages, you don't have to reply to them all right away. Let them hang - look at what that does to all of the guys here in this thread! Makes 'em crazy in anticipation. You'll have 5 Darias (no offense) waiting with bated breath.

hahaha this is true. it's best to just let the cards fall how they may

 

[Deleted member 529084]

Think it's time to end it.

I've caught major feelings but my attitude at the start of the relationship I think has tainted the waters.

Issues with how I was at the start and the drama I put her through constantly coming up..I explain myself, apologize tremendously, and keep trying to go above and beyond to right my wrongs.
She's pretty much in a "Forgive but not forget" and after bringing the things up she just wants to kill the conversation and says "all you have are fucking words"

Plus, I've grown to REALLY like her and I think my previous attitude has placed a wall up not allowing her to take things very casual.
It's wierd too cause she was REALLY into me...but now that I've come around she seems "different"

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm honest with my feelings...she's guarded and says very little, if anything.
Think I'd classify as being "needy"..

On top of that her responses to my acts, like gifts and flowers is always kinda "Thanks..but why would you do this?"
Maybe I'm expecting to much but when she tells me I'm the first guy to send her flowers and the card says "Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl. Hope these bring that smile I ways love to see to your face" I kind of think maybe a little gushing and the person not to ask why (card kinda says it)
Plus it rubbed me wrong cause she said "I had to explain to my co-workers about you cause they didn't know."...2 months in and she hasn't told them?

Maybe I'm over analyzing and not being casual enough about this..
I take every word, every action, and put it under a microscope.

 

[Septimius]

Think it's time to end it.

I've caught major feelings but my attitude at the start of the relationship I think has tainted the waters.

Issues with how I was at the start and the drama I put her through constantly coming up..I explain myself, apologize tremendously, and keep trying to go above and beyond to right my wrongs.
She's pretty much in a "Forgive but not forget" and after bringing the things up she just wants to kill the conversation and says "all you have are fucking words"

Plus, I've grown to REALLY like her and I think my previous attitude has placed a wall up not allowing her to take things very casual.
It's wierd too cause she was REALLY into me...but now that I've come around she seems "different"

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm honest with my feelings...she's guarded and says very little, if anything.
Think I'd classify as being "needy"..

On top of that her responses to my acts, like gifts and flowers is always kinda "Thanks..but why would you do this?"
Maybe I'm expecting to much but when she tells me I'm the first guy to send her flowers and the card says "Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl. Hope these bring that smile I ways love to see to your face" I kind of think maybe a little gushing and the person not to ask why (card kinda says it)
Plus it rubbed me wrong cause she said "I had to explain to my co-workers about you cause they didn't know."...2 months in and she hasn't told them?

Maybe I'm over analyzing and not being casual enough about this..
I take every word, every action, and put it under a microscope.

It's time to take up meditation. I'm not joking, here. You're tripping yourself up.

You worry. There's nothing wrong with that, but your mind is in a grip of vicious circles. You worry, so you handle things in a dithering manner. You think about the fact that you over-think, so you worry about worrying. So, since that's quite absurd, and you're mad at yourself for doing it, you are worried, because you worried, because you worried. That is a vicious circle. So, now, can you allow your mind to be quiet? Isn't it difficult? Because the mind seems to be like a monkey, jumping up and down, jabbering, all the time, once you've learned to think you can't stop it. An enormous number of people devote their lives to keeping their minds busy, and feel extremely uncomfortable with silence. When you're alone, nobody's saying anything, there's nothing to do. There's this worry. Restlessness. There's a lack of distraction. I'm left alone with myself. And I want to get away from myself. I always want to get away from myself, that's why I go to the movies, that's why I browse imgur, that's why I go after girls, or anything you do, get drunk, or whatever. I don't want to be with myself. I feel queer. Why do you want to run away from yourself? What's so bad about it? Why do you want to forget this? Why do you want to become absorbed? Because you are addicted to thoughts. It's a drug. A real dangerous one. Compulsive thinking, going on and on and on all the time. It's a habit.

So, there's a difficulty in stopping that habit. And you really have to stop it if you want to be sane. Because, if I talk all the time, I don't hear what anyone else has to say. I'll end up in a situation of having nothing to talk about except my own talking. In exactly the same way, If I think all the time, I won't have anything to think about except thoughts. In order to have something to think about, there are times when you simply have to stop thinking. Well, how do you do that? The first rule is "don't try to", because if you do, you will be like someone trying to make rough waters smooth with a flat-iron. And all that does it stir it up. So, in the same way as a muddy, turbulent pool quiets itself when left alone, you have to know how to leave your mind alone. It will quiet itself.

Try it.

 

[ZackieChan]

Also, flowers at work seems...why would you do that?

Poster above me is right, though. Your posts show your mind going in circles about these things. It's not healthy. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?

 

[Roberto Larcos]

Also, flowers at work seems...why would you do that?

After only 2 months as well?

Yeah, it comes across as very clingy. Which is a big red flag to a lot of people.

 

[Daria]

After only 2 months as well?

Yeah, it comes across as very clingy. Which is a big red flag to a lot of people.

I feel like this might be a big reason so many peoples texts go unanswered. they get the sense that you're going to be (or already showing you are) clingy trying to talk to them and they just turned off by all that very quick

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

Also, flowers at work seems...why would you do that?

Poster above me is right, though. Your posts show your mind going in circles about these things. It's not healthy. Have you thought about seeing a therapist?

Yeah, people need to get over worrying about other's work environments. I never talk about SO at work, why the hell would I? It's definitely not the place.

I also wouldn't send stuff early, especially to work, it's just awkward for everyone.

 

[Deleted member 529084]

After only 2 months as well?

Yeah, it comes across as very clingy. Which is a big red flag to a lot of people.

I thought it be fine, thought maybe make he feel special and maybe make the ladies were she worked a bit envious.

It's been 2 months but we've spent alot of time together, slept together a bunch (another issue I should prob talk about I'm having) she's introduced me to her parents, I've met most of her friends and she's taken me to her "hang outs"

I thought I was doing some awesome boyfriend shit...

 

[gaiages]

I thought it be fine, thought maybe make he feel special and maybe make the ladies were she worked a bit envious.

It's been 2 months but we've spent alot of time together, slept together a bunch (another issue I should prob talk about I'm having) she's introduced me to her parents, I've met most of her friends and she's taken me to her "hang outs"

I thought I was doing some awesome boyfriend shit...

Not everyone wants their personal lives public in the work place. Hell I've been with my boyfriend for half a year, and only like two people know I even have one.

Some people like to keep to themselves, and someone sending them flowers that's not on a spacial occasion (like say a birthday) just screams "Look at me!"

Also you shouldn't do nice things to make other people envious.

And finally why is everything suddenly over? I'm really confused here. Just a day or two ago you said everything was fine except for that dentures thing. Did she not take it well or something?

 

[Gotdatmoney]

I thought it be fine, thought maybe make he feel special and maybe make the ladies were she worked a bit envious.

It's been 2 months but we've spent alot of time together, slept together a bunch (another issue I should prob talk about I'm having) she's introduced me to her parents, I've met most of her friends and she's taken me to her "hang outs"

I thought I was doing some awesome boyfriend shit...

Flowers to work is pretty tacky honestly. Like its work not celebration time. I would avoid doing that in the future.

 

[Deleted member 529084]

It's time to take up meditation. I'm not joking, here. You're tripping yourself up.

You worry. There's nothing wrong with that, but your mind is in a grip of vicious circles. You worry, so you handle things in a dithering manner. You think about the fact that you over-think, so you worry about worrying. So, since that's quite absurd, and you're mad at yourself for doing it, you are worried, because you worried, because you worried. That is a vicious circle. So, now, can you allow your mind to be quiet? Isn't it difficult? Because the mind seems to be like a monkey, jumping up and down, jabbering, all the time, once you've learned to think you can't stop it. An enormous number of people devote their lives to keeping their minds busy, and feel extremely uncomfortable with silence. When you're alone, nobody's saying anything, there's nothing to do. There's this worry. Restlessness. There's a lack of distraction. I'm left alone with myself. And I want to get away from myself. I always want to get away from myself, that's why I go to the movies, that's why I browse imgur, that's why I go after girls, or anything you do, get drunk, or whatever. I don't want to be with myself. I feel queer. Why do you want to run away from yourself? What's so bad about it? Why do you want to forget this? Why do you want to become absorbed? Because you are addicted to thoughts. It's a drug. A real dangerous one. Compulsive thinking, going on and on and on all the time. It's a habit.

So, there's a difficulty in stopping that habit. And you really have to stop it if you want to be sane. Because, if I talk all the time, I don't hear what anyone else has to say. I'll end up in a situation of having nothing to talk about except my own talking. In exactly the same way, If I think all the time, I won't have anything to think about except thoughts. In order to have something to think about, there are times when you simply have to stop thinking. Well, how do you do that? The first rule is "don't try to", because if you do, you will be like someone trying to make rough waters smooth with a flat-iron. And all that does it stir it up. So, in the same way as a muddy, turbulent pool quiets itself when left alone, you have to know how to leave your mind alone. It will quiet itself.

Try it.

Damn...you described me perfectly.

I honestly seek a person to keep my mind active then when they are away I seek being alone so I can drown myself in my racing mind.
When I do this I ALWAYS see the negative and amplify the littlest notion of distrust.

Once I find myself really caring for someone I change from care-free and come what may to...sadness.
A sadness they will find out who I really am, a flawed person.
A sadness that now that I care being hurt I right around the corner.

Along with the sadness comes insecurity and a very needy side.
Who I once was, not caring if she was out with friends, becomes distrust and analyzing every word or action to confirm my suspicions.
I end thinking also "why don't/they don't care as much as I do, their has to be a reason! What did I do!"

Yeah...I need therapy.
Which I have no idea how I could manage that because I have almost zero free time as it is right now.

 

[Septimius]

Make free time. Therapy is more important. Start meditating, also. Take time for that. Build up to half an hour per day. No time of that, and you'll feel the ability to leave your mind be.

 

[Oblivion]

All right people. I now have the house all to myself for the next 6 months, so now I will attempt to text my Ex.

Wish me luck!

 

[FloydtheFathead]

All right people. I now have the house all to myself for the next 6 months, so now I will attempt to text my Ex.

Wish me luck!

You can do it Bliv. I believe in you.

 

[Oblivion]

You can do it Bliv. I believe in you.

Thanks!

I just sent her a text, and she responds by asking who this is. Not off to a good start. :/

(though since we probably didn't plan on seeing each other again, maybe not a big deal)

 

[FloydtheFathead]

Thanks!

I just sent her a text, and she responds by asking who this is. Not off to a good start. :/

(though since we probably didn't plan on seeing each other again, maybe not a big deal)

... well

Nowhere to go but up.

 

[Oblivion]

Okay we're having a friendly bit of banter going on now. She seems to be happy and hasn't blocked me yet, so that's a good thing!

 

[FloydtheFathead]

Okay we're having a friendly bit of banter going on now. She seems to be happy and hasn't blocked me yet, so that's a good thing!

Not an amicable break-up?

 

[Oblivion]

Not an amicable break-up?

No, we broke up on good terms. I just meant that she didn't seem to recoil in fear when I contacted her after all this time. You never know how people might react.

 

[FloydtheFathead]

No, we broke up on good terms. I just meant that she didn't seem to recoil in fear when I contacted her after all this time. You never know how people might react.

True.

 

[Oblivion]

And all of a sudden she completely stopped responding. It's been a hour so far.

She's always had a bad habit of taking really long to respond to texts though, so maybe it's just one those times.

 

[FloydtheFathead]

And all of a sudden she completely stopped responding. It's been a hour so far.

She's always had a bad habit of taking really long to respond to texts though, so maybe it's just one those times.

It's fine.

Just wait it out. Go read Ben Carson posts for a laugh.

 

[Septimius]

Why are you contacting her? Is there some backstory I'm missing?

 

[Oblivion]

It's fine.

Just wait it out. Go read Ben Carson posts for a laugh.

Good idea.

Why are you contacting her? Is there some backstory I'm missing?

We broke up a couple of months ago because neither of us had a place where we could be alone. She shared a loft with her roommate and I was taking care of my mom. As of yesterday though, she left on a very long trip outside the country to visit her family and won't be back for 6 months. So now that we would actually have some privacy, I thought it wouldn't hurt to hit her up again.

 

[ZackieChan]

So she's out of the country for 6 months? You would want her to come back to have sex with you?

Why not look for other girls to date?

Edit: Ahh, I see. Pronoun error (not sure if it's yours or mine).

 

[bluethree]

^maybe he didn't know that when he first texted her?

 

[Daria]

^^ i think he meant his mom is out of the country? hence being able to have some privacy now

 

[GtwoK]

I've been talking to a girl off of tinder for a few weeks now. The conversation's been great. Like, really great. I'll spare the gushing, but I really like her. At this point, we basically feel like long lost friends.

Halloween was the first night we met in person - she was working at one of her jobs (Tim Hortons), but told me they were dead, and that I should come visit, so I did. We talked while she worked, and things were looking really good. I make her laugh a ton, which is a good sign. Not even just giggling, but full on losing-your-breath laughter. She also admitted to stalking me on Twitter, Facebook, and instagram after adding me on all 3. That is, she went back through a years worth of content on each, favoriting and such. I quite enjoyed the comments she made actually, thought nothing of it.

We had our first "date" on Monday. Went to grab some coffee, there was nonstop chatter, not even for 10 seconds. Went to grab some food after, and I paid (it was my suggestion, plus I knew she was fairly broke atm). Was feeling really great about it. She was hesitant to do anything else after, presumably because of school / being tired, so I dropped her off at home. Immediately after pulling up, she just kinda got out of the car, which whatever, wasn't EXPECTING any sort of kiss or whatever on the first date (despite that normally being how it ends up playing out for me).

The next day the texting kinda died out, and I felt like shit, because she was giving basically one word responses (compared to the nonstop, long message texting from 9am to midnight every day before). Just to ease my nerves I kinda explained to her how I had basically been used for free meals before a lot by others, and asked her if she actually wanted to hang out again, or was trying to trickle off the conversation. She was surprised (seemingly), and apologized saying she just gets really busy, and felt bad, but would absolutely like to hang out again. We talked more in the evening.

Today, I had an appointment to get my first tattoo, which was in Toronto (an hour away). She was really enthusiastic and wanted to come along, even calling in sick to her job in order to do so. Again, there was constant chatter the entire time, and it was really great! When we were driving home, I asked about hanging out further, and she mentioned having homework or projects to do. I suggested hanging out while she worked on them if that was cool, but she said she'd be boring (I didn't mind, but she said she just wanted to get into her zone while working). When dropping her off, she again just quickly got out of the car and said bye, almost before even putting it in park.

Basically, MY QUESTION IS

Where do I go from here? The fact that she did so much stalking before hand tells me she's interested, but the fact that conversation keeps seeming to die off after hanging out tells me the opposite. Also the fact that she keeps leaving the car in a hurry. Maybe I'm just used to relationships where we hang out pretty much every other day and for hours on end, just lying on a bed and talking or whatever. But I've gotten no physical signals from this girl at all.

I'm trying to think of how to proceed. Does she see me as just a friend? Is she trying to take it really slow? Is she just not the type of person to want hang out without doing anything?

I recognize that I'm being a hit of a worry wort, but I tend to be really panicky until I know for a fact what the other person's intentions are (ie, I like you and want to date, I want to take it slow, things aren't working out, I want to be just friends, etc). But I feel like just straight up asking "SO ARE YOU INTERESTED IN DATING OR NAH" can be a really dumb conversation to have, without letting it grow naturally

Gaf, explain my insanity to me.

Fake edit: I should mention she has used the word date on multiple occasions, so that's good. But she has also mentioned in previous relationships wanting to hang out with the guy pretty much constantly every day, even while she worked / did projects / etc, which she doesn't want to do here?

 

[ZackieChan]

Two things:
1) You seem to be overanalyzing every little thing and hanging on every text. This isn't good, for reasons we've discussed in this thread as nauseum
2) You should do what pickup artists call "escalating KINO," for lack of a better term. The relationship isn't going to get physical through some miracle - you need to do it. When you're talking, put your arm around her waist or hold her hand. When you're talking, naturally touch her on the shoulder when she makes you laugh. Hang out in situations where you're sitting NEXT TO each other rather than across the table. So if the cafe has a couch, opt for that, rather than a regular table. Have a date at her place or yours, so she isn't going to jump out of the car. Tell her you have something to say before she goes, so she won't jump out right away, then kiss her if you feel it's time.

 

[GtwoK]

Two things:
1) You seem to be overanalyzing every little thing and hanging on every text. This isn't good, for reasons we've discussed in this thread as nauseum
2) You should do what pickup artists call "escalating KINO," for lack of a better term. The relationship isn't going to get physical through some miracle - you need to do it. When you're talking, put your arm around her waist or hold her hand. When you're talking, naturally touch her on the shoulder when she makes you laugh. Hang out in situations where you're sitting NEXT TO each other rather than across the table. So if the cafe has a couch, opt for that, rather than a regular table. Have a date at her place or yours, so she isn't going to jump out of the car. Tell her you have something to say before she goes, so she won't jump out right away, then kiss her if you feel it's time.

I normally don't analyze every detail, it's more so just because I've been getting polar opposite signals from her. I'm looking for hints in the little things to see if I'm missing some sort of giveaway as to how she's feeling.

The sending physical signals I've got under control and have been doing. Things like placing my hand on her arm or shoulder when saying something. Also we do sit next to each other as often as possible. It's just that she doesn't reciprocate. She dosen't seem to avoid them, or move away — she just does nothing.

I want to move it to the point where we hang out at one of our places, because we've both talked about how we find it lame that people always need to be going out to do things, rather than just being able to sit on a bed and talk. But I'm not going to invite myself to her place (she lives with her parents still), and I'm hesitant to invite her to my place (I ALSO live with my parents, at least for the next month or two. They have a tendency to make girls I bring over uncomfortable, so I'd like to avoid that).

I also don't want to constantly have to do dinner / things that cost money, because she can't afford much at the moment, and I don't want to be paying for every single thing we do.

An impasse.

 

[Oblivion]

Welp, bad news.

After about two hours she finally responded (said she was taking a nap....in the middle of our conversation), and after a bit of small talk she told me that she's currently seeing someone and they've been together for several months now. So that's that.

Ah well, back to the ole fishing boat.

So she's out of the country for 6 months? You would want her to come back to have sex with you?

Why not look for other girls to date?

Edit: Ahh, I see. Pronoun error (not sure if it's yours or mine).

Yeah, my mom is out of the country I meant. Should have written it clearer, haha.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

You say bad news, I say good news. Keep looking forward, bro.

 

[ZackieChan]

I normally don't analyze every detail, it's more so just because I've been getting polar opposite signals from her. I'm looking for hints in the little things to see if I'm missing some sort of giveaway as to how she's feeling.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things and she's just not about that life. If it's not what you want, maybe it is better to stay friends? Or have patience; maybe she has some kind of trauma or something in her past. You really never know.

Welp, bad news.

After about two hours she finally responded (said she was taking a nap....in the middle of our conversation), and after a bit of small talk she told me that she's currently seeing someone and they've been together for several months now. So that's that.

Ah well, back to the ole fishing boat.



Yeah, my mom is out of the country I meant. Should have written it clearer, haha.

No problem.

That sucks, but that's why I say to be working a number of angles until you know for sure!

 

[Septimius]

I've been talking to a girl off of tinder for a few weeks now. The conversation's been great. Like, really great. I'll spare the gushing, but I really like her. At this point, we basically feel like long lost friends.

Halloween was the first night we met in person - she was working at one of her jobs (Tim Hortons), but told me they were dead, and that I should come visit, so I did. We talked while she worked, and things were looking really good. I make her laugh a ton, which is a good sign. Not even just giggling, but full on losing-your-breath laughter. She also admitted to stalking me on Twitter, Facebook, and instagram after adding me on all 3. That is, she went back through a years worth of content on each, favoriting and such. I quite enjoyed the comments she made actually, thought nothing of it.

We had our first "date" on Monday. Went to grab some coffee, there was nonstop chatter, not even for 10 seconds. Went to grab some food after, and I paid (it was my suggestion, plus I knew she was fairly broke atm). Was feeling really great about it. She was hesitant to do anything else after, presumably because of school / being tired, so I dropped her off at home. Immediately after pulling up, she just kinda got out of the car, which whatever, wasn't EXPECTING any sort of kiss or whatever on the first date (despite that normally being how it ends up playing out for me).

The next day the texting kinda died out, and I felt like shit, because she was giving basically one word responses (compared to the nonstop, long message texting from 9am to midnight every day before). Just to ease my nerves I kinda explained to her how I had basically been used for free meals before a lot by others, and asked her if she actually wanted to hang out again, or was trying to trickle off the conversation. She was surprised (seemingly), and apologized saying she just gets really busy, and felt bad, but would absolutely like to hang out again. We talked more in the evening.

Today, I had an appointment to get my first tattoo, which was in Toronto (an hour away). She was really enthusiastic and wanted to come along, even calling in sick to her job in order to do so. Again, there was constant chatter the entire time, and it was really great! When we were driving home, I asked about hanging out further, and she mentioned having homework or projects to do. I suggested hanging out while she worked on them if that was cool, but she said she'd be boring (I didn't mind, but she said she just wanted to get into her zone while working). When dropping her off, she again just quickly got out of the car and said bye, almost before even putting it in park.

Basically, MY QUESTION IS

Where do I go from here? The fact that she did so much stalking before hand tells me she's interested, but the fact that conversation keeps seeming to die off after hanging out tells me the opposite. Also the fact that she keeps leaving the car in a hurry. Maybe I'm just used to relationships where we hang out pretty much every other day and for hours on end, just lying on a bed and talking or whatever. But I've gotten no physical signals from this girl at all.

I'm trying to think of how to proceed. Does she see me as just a friend? Is she trying to take it really slow? Is she just not the type of person to want hang out without doing anything?

I recognize that I'm being a hit of a worry wort, but I tend to be really panicky until I know for a fact what the other person's intentions are (ie, I like you and want to date, I want to take it slow, things aren't working out, I want to be just friends, etc). But I feel like just straight up asking "SO ARE YOU INTERESTED IN DATING OR NAH" can be a really dumb conversation to have, without letting it grow naturally

Gaf, explain my insanity to me.

Fake edit: I should mention she has used the word date on multiple occasions, so that's good. But she has also mentioned in previous relationships wanting to hang out with the guy pretty much constantly every day, even while she worked / did projects / etc, which she doesn't want to do here?

How old are you two? I'm getting the vibe that she's insecure about dating. I'm getting a vivid image of her distancing herself because something's scary about the whole thing. Normally when we hear these push-pull stories on GAF, it's about the one party having read too much into the situation, then when they finally meet, the other retreats, because the person is coming on too strong. It's not really what's happening here. It feels like she's shy and unable to not distance herself. Try to give her some room. If you constantly text her, if you react to her sending you short responses in one of all the days you've been talking, you're going to push her away, because it is like the hand and the shadow. When one retreats, the follows.

Try something new. Try to not initiate stuff. Don't bring up "having been used for free meals", because while it is admirable that you're honest (and I honestly mean that), you're also expecting you opening up about being vulnerable to not just push her away. When you've got a girlfriend, that's when you can open up all you want and she shouldn't run away. However, this is still a sort of mating dance. You want to display yourself as a capable mate. If she doesn't reply that much, just drop the conversation. If you're the one to initialize, try not to. The idea is that when you distance yourself, too, she'll be the one that follows. At that point, she'll feel more invested, and she'll have more to lose, so she won't just get out of the car at the end of the date. Get her to invest, too, that's the idea.

Do that. She will contact you, I can guarantee it. Let her initialize the next date. Then, when you're on that date, you can consider going simply "I really enjoy hanging out with you, but sometimes I get really mixed signals from you, like when you jump out of the car when I've driven you home. Is there something that makes you feel uncomfortable?" There's nothing wrong with talking to her about it, just do it in a very calm manner. Ask because you're wondering if something's bothering her, not from the view that it's bothering you, because if you do, you're inches away from basically saying you deserve more after you've driven her home, and that might make her uncomfortable.

I think you'll find that she's somehow reserved in those situations. Perhaps rather you can say "it feels like you're a bit uncomfortable with the end of the dates. I just want to say that I'll take this as slow as you need to, but it makes me uncomfortable when you leave that abruptly". You're saying you understand her reaction, but that it's not nice for you when it happens. Just don't keep pushing. That'll make her distance herself.

 

[Roberto Larcos]

Agree with all you have to say, Septimus, except this part:

Try to not initiate stuff. Don't bring up "having been used for free meals", because while it is admirable that you're honest (and I honestly mean that), you're also expecting you opening up about being vulnerable to not just push her away. When you've got a girlfriend, that's when you can open up all you want and she shouldn't run away.

Honesty is good. Accusing a girl of using you for a free meal, especially when (according to what's been written) the lass doesn't have any spare cash is not.

1) It shows your own insecurities and makes you come off as overly demanding. She doesn't exist to entertain you, maybe she had shit to do? It just sounds childish. Pay more attention to me! She just went on a date with you dude, she said she enjoyed it. She gave you good answers. Accept.

2) You create a negative link. This has happened before. Why? Don't bring up past dates when you've just started dating someone, unless it has a genuinely funny story rolled into it.

3) Youre highlighting her own money issues, which is just not a good idea.

4) It looks like you're leveraging you doing a good thing against her. What you did was a kind act, you don't fucking demand payment for it afterwards.

It's one of those weird bluff calling things that people seem to be obsessed with of late. Saw one a couple pages back with the guy with the car park argument with his girlfriend - 'do you even love me?' owtta. Cut them out, leave anything like that for serious shit.

*EDIT: Found it.

This all happened at walmart, and it wasn't until we got in the car that she got really upset, teared up, raised her voice. I told her, well I'm sorry. I realize what I did was wrong, you know and yea, I did it for selfish reasons and took the choice away from her.

Well anyways, I asked her if she hated me know, she said she did. Which hurts even moreso since just a few days ago we said I love you to each other, and I know we both genuinely meant it.

Sorry to drag that one up, but I don't think anyone brought that aspect up at the time for this guy either.

 

[Tsukumo]

While talking about playing the field: at what point do you go for one of them and break it off with the other girls you're talking to or even have been on dates with?

For these decisions, you should use your own moral compass instead of appealing to the ones of someone else. Otherwise you'll end up in a pile of regrets and self-doubts. You shouldn't let the responsibility of this choice to other people, or you'll never make progress and never know what you really want.

I'm digging the girl I made out with a few nights ago (fourth date) and she's definitely into me, but I actually have a first date scheduled for "this week" (so it's not final) and another first one "next week" with another girl, both of which I'm planning on not going to really.

Here it sounds more like "what if this girl I'm into ends up not really wanting me and I give up on two other dates that could have been IT?".

Also when you do decide to break it off, how do you inform the girls of that?

"I've met someone".

Even if it's the easiest option, I hate to be a ghoster. Ideally I'd like to tell them that I can't go on the dates right now

This is also ok. IF none of the girls knows each other. This is also the way to go if you want to "rekindle" the flame after some time has passed.

but still somehow leave the door open if things don't work out with the current one, you dig?

I see XD Well, there's no way to do that without getting dirt on your hands. Somehow I think that's exactly what you are trying to avoid.

Telling them the truth is hardly a good option since it makes them the second pick, and no one wants to be second pick. What do you guys do?

Second pick is a guy thing (actually, a macho thing). If you tell them you've met someone else they'll take a hit, but the next day other five guys will "chat" them and smile to them and make them laugh and they will either make up their minds that this is the way things go or they'll simply... forget you.

 

[Septimius]

Agree with all you have to say, Septimus, except this part:

But I completely agree with you I said that while it's admirable being honest, they're not a couple, and as such, he should focus on presenting himself as a good mate. It's the time when we shouldn't fret small stuff like that. It's the time to show that we can't be taken for granted, that if someone wants us, they need to work for us. It's showing that we're not there for their every beck and call. However, when in a committed relationship, it is a different game, wherein we should be there for each other as much as possible. Thus the juxtaposition between the two.

 

[Amory]

So, date number 3 with the girl I've been seeing.

We're talking about previous relationships, how many we've had, how long they lasted, their names, etc. She says she's had 2 serious relationships in the past, one lasted a year and one lasted two years. Both were girls.

I was...surprised. Not upset or anything. She says she's straight and is only interested in men now (her last "serious" relationship ended 2 years ago), but I'm a little wary that if this goes somewhere I'm eventually gonna get dumped for a chick

 

[Llyranor]

If things go somewhere with a completely straight girl, she could still dump you for another guy. No need to create hypothetical dumping scenarios in your mind.

 

[Amory]

If things go somewhere with a completely straight girl, she could still dump you for another guy. No need to create hypothetical dumping scenarios in your mind.

True and like I said, I'm not exactly worried about it.

But still, this would be her first straight relationship at 27 years old. I can't help but be a little skeptical that she's now exclusively into guys, or that she won't end up deciding she doesn't like being with a guy.