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Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
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Lone_Prodigy
Member
GtwoK, do some more creative dates. Dinner is expensive? Have a picnic in the park. Walk along the beach. Visit a tourist attraction. Go skating. Cheap, unique, and opportunities for physical contact.
This is great advice, thanks a lot. Another friend was telling me not ask how they're feeling though, because it can apparently make women really uncomfortable (this is coming from a woman). She said it makes it seem like you're trying to push things. My worry was just that... if she wants to take it slow, I'm cool, just let me know so that I don't think she sees me as just friends. And I worry that maybe she potentially does see us in a relationship, but because I'm trying to take it slow for her, I'll end up pushing it into just friends territory. It's hard to tell what she wants without asking, but asking is also a bad idea. A catch 22.
Woah, hey man. These threads always seem to produce a few good responses, and a few accusatory responses. I knew at the time that asking her about it wasn't the greatest of ideas, but I was kinda stuck as to whether to proceed. So I figured I'd just take the jump to put my mind at ease. There was no "are you just using me for food because you don't have money", there was a "This has happened to me in the past. Let me know if you still want to keep talking or not". Still, not the greatest of ideas, but it sure didn't have aggression you seem to assume it did. Also, with the talking about past dates: this really doesn't seem to be an issue, especially since SHE was the first person to talk about past dates. I didn't mind.
Anyway, a bit of an update:
So I know she's only been in one REAL relationship, which lasted 3 years. It ended Q1 this year. That being said, I don't think it's an issue of not being ready for another one she also told me she was dating a guy for a month back in September, but then a shitty friend of hers wound up dating him while this girl I'm talking to was away for a few days. Maybe that soured her experience or something, but she probably wouldn't have been dating / seeing that guy if she wasn't over her past one.
ALSO: This girl has had 2 of her friends pass away earlier this year. One about 8 months ago, another last month. Then, this morning, 2 more got into a car crash. One was killed, and the other is in critical condition. I'm really shit at consoling people beyond "I'm so sorry" and asking about things like their favourite memories, etc.
Obviously, now is not the time to push for a relationship, not while she's mourning. But I don't know what to do in the mean time. Is it wrong to still ask to hang out? Do I drop contact for 2 weeks? Do I offer to do something to help out if she's feeling really sad or empty?
She seems to get over things like this really fast, from what she's described, so I don't think it'll be months before she's "over it" (ugh, that sounds terrible, but I can't think of better phrasing atm) more likely a week or two.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Think I'm getting cynical and assholish again. In retrospect, I'm noticing even though I have a testosterone boost, I'm being curt and dismissive with girls.
The upside is that I'm busy making money with my job, and I'm back into weightlifting after a multi-year hiatus. Slowly feeling better and happier with myself with the regular commitment to diet and exercise (cheat days feel so good now).
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The upside is that I'm busy making money with my job, and I'm back into weightlifting after a multi-year hiatus. Slowly feeling better and happier with myself with the regular commitment to diet and exercise (cheat days feel so good now).
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Lone_Prodigy
Member
"Hey really sorry to hear about your friends, but I'm here for you if there's anything you need."
Roberto Larcos
Member
Didn't mean to come off as an asshole, apologies I did. But asking that particular question can throw up a lot of bad feeling even if it wasn't meant in that way - that's what I'm trying to say here.
As for her friends, that's beyond awful. All you can really do is be there for her when she needs you, and make as much clear to her. Offer a shoulder to cry on if she needs it.
What's the appropriate exit strategy for a girl with whom you've went on two dates with, the last of which ended at their apartment? We made out, cuddled, and I got to third base (I performed on her). She would've let me get a home run, but I wasn't up for that, just like I wasn't up for sleeping over either.
To be honest, I find her not that interesting...the conversation is dull. I initially attributed it to a lack of comfort, but based on how far she was willing to go, she was plenty comfortable. But today I receive a number of texts indicating she's way more into me than I her. She sent me one when she woke up, saying how much she missed me...she sent ones saying she'd rather be with me than doing whatever she was doing. The most recent one - she invited me to have dinner with her and her male roommate tomorrow. Agreeing to that would show a level of interest I just don't have.
To be honest, I find her not that interesting...the conversation is dull. I initially attributed it to a lack of comfort, but based on how far she was willing to go, she was plenty comfortable. But today I receive a number of texts indicating she's way more into me than I her. She sent me one when she woke up, saying how much she missed me...she sent ones saying she'd rather be with me than doing whatever she was doing. The most recent one - she invited me to have dinner with her and her male roommate tomorrow. Agreeing to that would show a level of interest I just don't have.
ZackieChan
Member
I'm dealing with a similar thing. No idea how to gracefully exit.
Gray Matter
Member
How about you give them a taste of their own medicine and just not text/respond.
I'm sure they've done it to guys they're not interested in.
I'm sure they've done it to guys they're not interested in.
Yeah, did these, got her talking about some nice memories. She said she's feeling better than earlier today. But in these circumstances... should I just leave her by herself and hope she texts me? Or do I keep trying to make conversation / console her?
When we first started texting, it was a mix of both her texting first, and me texting first. But now it's mostly just me texting first. So I know she's the type of person to send "good morning" and "hey what's up" messages, she just hasn't recently.
Based on the advice of gaf, I've probably been bombarding her — damn my need to constantly be in a conversation with someone, rather than only texting when you have something interesting to say. It's just the type of person I am, I guess.
What even is this assumption
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
You can't. There's really no way. I only ever successfully did it once: I told a girl, before I even met her, that things were getting serious with someone else and that I'm terrible at dating multiple people. It was well-received.
Beyond that? I'm pretty serious with another girl now (there will be stories, but it's mostly on the Online Dating thread), but I was seeing another girl before her: we even slept together once. We both ghosted each other. It's not great; it's not ideal. But we both knew what was going on, and it wasn't necessary to say things explicitly.
I'm likely just going to end up texting her tomorrow with the truth. "I don't feel the same level of connection you do, and I think it's best if we go our separate ways." If she decides to persist, thankfully I only give out my google voice number. Makes it easier to block people.
DJ Jazzy J
Neo Member
From what you're saying, I think that she is into you. Setting aside the issue of her grieving for now, I think that she likes you but she gets busy. It's one thing to hang out with your boyfriend while you're studying, it's different when it's a guy you're still getting to know. As far as the texting goes, she's probably just busy. I say be patient and understand that she can't give you all of her attention all the time. As far as grieving, I think you have to feel it out and do what feels natural. I would say not to ghost her but be patient, let her know you're there and wiling to hang out and talk about it if she wants or distract her from it if she'd rather. At the same time, be patient and understand that she might not want to hang out. Since you already sent those other messages, maybe just check in with her in a day or 2 and act based on her reactions.
I have a question for you guys, kind of the opposite side of GtwoK's situation. Is there a nice way to tell a guy I like you but I'm not going to text you all day?
I've gone on a couple dates with this guy. He's cool, I like him and am interested in learning more about him. But he texts me all day everyday about nothing and wants to hang out all the time. Like I said, I do like him but I have things to do. I don't have a job where I can text all the time and I just don't want to hang out with him all the time. I'm just not that person, my DJ Jazzy J time is very important to me. We just met, and it just feels really intense but I don't want him to think I'm not interested and I don't want to hurt his feelings.
ZackieChan
Member
Be clear that you are pretty busy all day and can't check your phone too much. Or just ignore it and hope they get the hint. I think being open about it is best. I have some girls who are blowing me up all day and it drives me nuts. I've had to have a talk with a few.
DJ Jazzy J
Neo Member
Thanks! In all honesty, I'll probably try ignoring it first and see if that works but if not then I'll put on my big girl panties and have the mildly awkward conversation, lol.
ZackieChan
Member
Like ripping off a Band-Aid.
D
Deleted member 10571
Unconfirmed Member
I'll tell you that a LOT of guys would take the "ignore" route the wrong way though, because a lot of us can be idiots. I can almost guarantee there's either gonna be the thought of
- "dude now that she's ignoring me, i will one-up her to show her, or maybe throw a bit of general jealousy/anger in there because I'm sad and don't know how to direct my disappointment any other way"
or the polar opposite of
- "dude now that she's ignoring me, i should probably text more to make sure she*s aware of how important she is to me. Maybe even a bit of guilt-tripping, we'll see how depressed I get for getting even less replíes"
or
- "man what did i do wrong? This is all my fault, I should probably stop texting and be done with it. Why doesn't she tell me whats up? Why does this always happen to me? I'm sad and blame myself. Bye you."
or
- "fuck she's ignoring me forever. I bet there's another guy. I should probably stalk her on all social media and maybe check her house to be sure" (yes, I've seen that before lol).
or the worst possible outcome:
- "dude, why isn't she texting, she's probably not all that interested. GAF what say you?" ( cue the usual replies) "Alright, I'll just forget about it and delete her from everything and move on.."
Not saying you're wrong, but I don't see a single way ignoring him would work out in favor of your potential relationship here ^^
speaking of being ignored..
since I got nothing after a quick little text exchange late at night (she had a crazy day) I got nothing back. my same buddy from Halloween has the night off.
do I just send her a single text tomorrow when I'm at work to see if she wants to grab dinner and drinks as a group again? I forgot who said it but something trying to meet again ASAP so I figured ask right off the bat. but I know she mentioned she has friends coming in and she wasn't sure if they're going out of the apartment or not and that's all I know.
since I got nothing after a quick little text exchange late at night (she had a crazy day) I got nothing back. my same buddy from Halloween has the night off.
do I just send her a single text tomorrow when I'm at work to see if she wants to grab dinner and drinks as a group again? I forgot who said it but something trying to meet again ASAP so I figured ask right off the bat. but I know she mentioned she has friends coming in and she wasn't sure if they're going out of the apartment or not and that's all I know.
ZackieChan
Member
Right, just read this thread for the past 5-10 pages (and the post below) and see numerous posters freaking out in different ways about a lack of replies!
this was literally what my first post in this thread was about!
it's always best to remain cool when you don't get a reply - any time I've come across as pushy or worried about not getting a response it backfired on me total. There have also been times when I interpreted a girl not responding partway through a conversation as a lack of interest, when it isn't always.
every situation is different, but the best thing I find is just to wait a few days and contact again like nothing ever happened. sometimes a text conversation just hits a dead end, people get busy or whatever.
I had an online prospect stop responding, and I had to fight every urge in my body to text her again right away. Instead I waited about 4 days and just started the conversation again like nothing happened. We have tentative plans to meet up this Sunday now.
Same thing happened in reverse with another girl - I stopped responding because I got busy, and she just resumed the convo again a few days later in a casual way, and I was more responsive because of it. If she had been like wtf plz respond, it would have been a big turn off, but since she didn't make a big deal about it I was more receptive.
ZackieChan
Member
Great post. Yeah, having someone message so much and be super clingy with their texting is a huge turnoff for me. It increases chances of me ghosting 10x. Ain't no one got time for that.
I was ghosted by a beautiful girl a few weeks back after we spent the night together. It sucks, but what can you do. As Omar Little says, the game is the game.
I was ghosted by a beautiful girl a few weeks back after we spent the night together. It sucks, but what can you do. As Omar Little says, the game is the game.
True Savior
Member
You politely say you are not interested. You had a great time but the time/situation/mood simply isn't appropriate.
I can't tell if this person I only met a week ago is staying up late to tell me about their past and their recent period of rapid personal growth because they like me or because I'm just one of those people people open up to (which can happen). Either way it's interesting and it's more data to calibrate my sense of these things so I won't complain.
You should try asking her out.
ZackieChan
Member
Heaven forbid!
I dunno man, there was a bit of "Man it sure has been nice growing and getting my life back after an unhealthy 3 year relationship then an unhealthy 7 year relationship with nary a few months in between" in our chat.
Yes I am this good at talking myself down
I never actually asked out my previous girlfriend we just started holding hands down by the river one day
ZackieChan
Member
I dunno man, there was a bit of "Man it sure has been nice growing and getting my life back after an unhealthy 3 year relationship then an unhealthy 7 year relationship with nary a few months in between" in our chat.
Yes I am this good at talking myself down
I never actually asked out my previous girlfriend we just started holding hands down by the river one day
Spoiler alert: that rarely happens
I'd say both the things I suggested saying aren't really asking how she feels, more just saying "I've noticed this. Is everything OK?". You show that you notice the small things, and you are able to understand and keep your cool about those things, but you're still wondering what's up. All of those things shows you as understanding and caring. Of course it can be a bit uncomfortable to be confronted about something like that, but remember that this is also about you. You're currently uncomfortable about the way she handles some things. If you think it might be uncomfortable for her if you ask her, then you're uncomfortable in a sort of chivalrous way. Don't forget yourself.
Asking in any of the ways I suggested seems a good approach. You don't have to run around assuming everything, over-thinking everything. You can say you notice the way she's been, and that way you're saying that you're not just going to hang around forever if she just keeps treating you bad. Not talking to you about how she feels, abruptly ending dates, that's not ideal behaviour. There's nothing explicitly wrong about it, but it's not something you have to just take forever.
You're not going to just disappear. That'd be an asshole thing to do. Just send a message every now and then. Let her know you're still there, if she wants to talk. It can be a sort of "I don't really know how you like to handle these things. Some people deal with things with talking, others with not talking. No matter what your way is, I'm here for you." It might sound like it's a bit much, but shift focus from "hurf durf mr Alpha Male I rule and don't care" over to being a good person that's there for another person who lost someone. Of course you're there for her. Then see what the response is. Perhaps a few days later, send her a message asking how things are going, or perhaps the status of the other person. Ask her how she's doing. Just be there, but nothing forceful. If she needs and wants to hang out as a way of coping, she'll let you know.
If you start asking about their favourite memories and such, it feels a bit formulaic. Ask more about how she's doing, what she's feeling. A better way to talk about the person is to say something like "who was this person to you?" That's a sure way to get the memories going. Just keep it organic.
What is with people's response to this and saying you should ignore her? Do the proper thing and let her know how you feel. All the times people are confused, feel insecure and are upset in this thread about people not replying, where do people get off promoting that idea? Tell her you don't really feel it with her. Be upfront about it. Be proper about it.
Sure, but don't become complacent. Just keep building whatever it is. See where it goes. It doesn't have to be a "want to go on a date", but just hang out, and see how it feels.
Ok so DatingGAF I tried tinder awhile back, matched with a bunch of bots, one real person, had a chat with her, had a good conversation going, added her on facebook and she immediately blocked me, really weird but eh didn't bother me much.
So after that I tried okcupid, it's great, it's free and I met a nice girl about a month ago and we'd been texting and talking, but due to uni commitments we didn't really get the chance to meet until the other day. I ended up really liking her but she just wanted to be friends and said there was someone else she was interested in, bit of a bummer but ah well. If nothing else it was good because it strengthened that I don't want to be alone anymore and want to find someone.
Only thing I hate about the site is it feels like you're matching with the same small group of people, and there's not too many new folks to talk to on there.
So now i'm opting for other dating sites, eHarmony's got a free period going but i've only got like 9 matches and you can't even message people without paying (it's just basic questions and nothing else, kinda misleading) and RSVP kinda gets what I wanted from a alternate from okcupid but you have to pay.
So tl;dr what are some good free dating sites that aren't okcupid
So after that I tried okcupid, it's great, it's free and I met a nice girl about a month ago and we'd been texting and talking, but due to uni commitments we didn't really get the chance to meet until the other day. I ended up really liking her but she just wanted to be friends and said there was someone else she was interested in, bit of a bummer but ah well. If nothing else it was good because it strengthened that I don't want to be alone anymore and want to find someone.
Only thing I hate about the site is it feels like you're matching with the same small group of people, and there's not too many new folks to talk to on there.
So now i'm opting for other dating sites, eHarmony's got a free period going but i've only got like 9 matches and you can't even message people without paying (it's just basic questions and nothing else, kinda misleading) and RSVP kinda gets what I wanted from a alternate from okcupid but you have to pay.
So tl;dr what are some good free dating sites that aren't okcupid
Er, I'm guessing you just added her without talking to her about it first? If some stranger from tinder added me without asking, I would have done the same thing.
I talked to her on/off there most of the day and we had a couple of good conversations going. I literally asked her right before is it alright if I add you on facebook so we can keep in contact somewhere else and she said yeah that's fine and gave me her name so I could find her profile so I think she was fine with it.
But yeah I would understand if I/someone did it out of the blue without asking, that would be weird and creepy.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
More difficult to block a number. Good thinking.
Yeah i've learnt now it's better to grab their number and get to asking them out quicker rather than waiting and just chatting online. A month waiting to meet that other girl was way, way too long, it's better just to move to going on a date quicker and then I can findout much faster if there's anything between us worth pursuing and I don't have to waste time.
:lol
stn
Member
You don't wanna be just another guy on her Facebook. Also, no good to become comfortable chatting online. It kills the buzz and adrenaline behind two people who initially have a physical intimacy towards one-another. And also ensures that you're both staying at home instead of meeting in person. Avoid it.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Anyway there's this girl from my course. She's very nice and has a ton of style, and she's very popular.
We casually met before the summer because we have lots of friends in common, and have hanged out in group and added each other on Facebook since then, but that's it.
Now recently we started talking a lot, and the only thing i got until now are a couple of "yeah we should see each other (most definitely talking about groups or something)" and me going at her workplace to be of some company but it ended up super-crowded (at least i got free icecream).
Idk to me it sounds like she's only being friendly, after all most of our conversations started from me, but she's too cute to not even try and "investigate".
But i am so pessimist because i've been in a very similar situation just a few months ago.
Problem is i'm not very good at it, and i kinda feel demotivated in the whole chasing girls at the moment (which is very sad for a 22yrs old virgin boy).
Any tips?
edit:shit i didn't notice i made a new post, sorry
We casually met before the summer because we have lots of friends in common, and have hanged out in group and added each other on Facebook since then, but that's it.
Now recently we started talking a lot, and the only thing i got until now are a couple of "yeah we should see each other (most definitely talking about groups or something)" and me going at her workplace to be of some company but it ended up super-crowded (at least i got free icecream).
Idk to me it sounds like she's only being friendly, after all most of our conversations started from me, but she's too cute to not even try and "investigate".
But i am so pessimist because i've been in a very similar situation just a few months ago.
Problem is i'm not very good at it, and i kinda feel demotivated in the whole chasing girls at the moment (which is very sad for a 22yrs old virgin boy).
Any tips?
edit:shit i didn't notice i made a new post, sorry
True Savior
Member
Everyone will give you the same advice.
Ask her out. If she says yes...go on a date. Be nice. Be fun. And enjoy the good time
Everyone will give you the same advice.
Ask her out. If she says yes...go on a date. Be nice. Be fun. And enjoy the good time
I don't know, i feel like there is no basis to try this, just that i think she's nice and that's it. After all she hasn't even given signs of real interest
none that i could notice
Plus, as i said i'm really demotivated these days.
Every girl i chat up, and it actually happens a lot more than i thought, i end up doing just that, losing interest and never pursuing further. And the ones i actually have an interest on, i go into over-analyze-mode and am too afraid to do anything.
Maybe it's because its the first time i'm both working and studying and its sucking all my energy, or maybe the "i've never had a gf in 22yrs" is starting to seriously weight.
Man i'm just so down i don't even know why i started asking advices...
just wanted to hop in here and recommend "Modern Romance" by Aziz Ansari. I've been listening to the audio book on my work commute, and it does a fantastic job talking about the the dating scene of today, comparing it to the dating scenes of years past and discussing the impact of smart phones and online dating.
FloydtheFathead
Member
Congrats.
Funny, I just finished reading the book today. It was really good.
Just ask her out. Then you'll have your answer.
Also who cares if you're still a virgin? People really need to stop putting their worth on when they had sex.
Well, if you don't ask, you'll never know, and the likelihood of getting a gf is slim to none. Girls tend not to just fall in people's laps. If you don't look, or try, or take risks, nothing will change.
Congrats dude!
True Savior
Member
You are 22. Young as fuck. Most people tend to over analyze stuff , you're not alone in this. Girls also get anxious , nervous , are demotivated , etc. This goes both ways. The basis thing makes no sense. If she doesn't want to go out with you , she certainly won't be doing anything more than that in the future. You start from the scratch. Chat a little bit with her and ask her out. And don't ask a girl with "wanna go outside" , unless you are a Fallout character
Go have a coffee. Something as simple as meeting her somewhere , going on a walk to the coffee place , coffee , and way back. Loads of chances to talk and gauge her reaction. Nothing too serious that intimidates a girl whom you still have no idea if she's interested or not.You are 22. Young as fuck. Most people tend to over analyze stuff , you're not alone in this. Girls also get anxious , nervous , are demotivated , etc. This goes both ways. The basis thing makes no sense. If she doesn't want to go out with you , she certainly won't be doing anything more than that in the future. You start from the scratch. Chat a little bit with her and ask her out. And don't ask a girl with "wanna go outside" , unless you are a Fallout character
Welp, i'll try, guess it won't kill me.
Oh don't get me wrong, i agree with you and i actually wasn't speaking about sex, more about lack of "skills" due to only having flirts that led nowhere for a very, very long time.
Actually, compared to many friends who are in a similar situation, i got much more chances and many more stories, but again, got nothing from them.
Which as of now doesn't make me angry, or frustrated or sad, just tired i guess, but then i find someone interesting and find myself split in two...
I remember your thread from a while back. Take that as a learning experience. If I remember correctly, there were a lot of things you could have done differently to affect the outcome in your favor. Making mistakes is human, but only a fool makes the same mistake twice.
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