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[ant_]

Question for Dating GAF - how do you gauge a woman's interest?

Scenario: I was just in a cafe sitting across a good looking girl reading a psychology book.

Pretty much went like this:

1. I sit down. Notice her. Do some stuff on laptop.
2. Notice she tried to cut a granola bar with a plastic knife. Decided to grab her an actual knife instead from the cafe instead of seeing her struggle. She appreciated it and we had a laugh.
3. Later on, realize I have no pen. She lends me hers.
4. Notice she was dazing from the book, so I asked her what kind of book. The convo was pretty.. neutral. Just her into psych and pHD and what my degree was.
5. Convo officially filtered out at this part - the degree or work question literally kills my energy level because I have absolutely zero way to keep the conversation interesting.
6. Leaves in a bit, say bye to each other.

I didn't go for the number since we're in a shared cafe table, so I was a bit iffy on asking for it in a place with ppl around.

Normally this is overridden if the girl is really into me, BUT, I don't think this girl was. I feel that when a girl is into me, she's laughing and enjoying her time and smiling lots. Not the same here so I decided that it wasn't worth it. And at least a smiling rejection is less of a sting.

I turn to you GAF - what are *your* signs (specific as possible) that she's interested in wanting to hang out again and asking for the number is safe? In this case, I felt a lot of it went well but I'm wondering if perhaps I'm just bad at gauging her interest?

And bonus: how the HELL do you get out of the degree/work question? I'm a Math major and Software QA. It feels like a hellish combination to even describe and i just feel like the world's most boring man talking about it.

Should have just asked for her number. Don't make it such a big deal. You're just expressing interest and think she seems like a cool person. Even just say, "Hey, you seem like a cool person. We should go out sometime, what's your number?" Most people take that as a compliment and will not react negatively to it. Even if she says no, you'll feel great for doing it. Trust.

The only way to truly gauge interest is to be a good judge of body language and seeing how the conversation flows. But even that can fail sometimes. I've had great dates with girls who just fall off the map. Also had horrible dates that the girl said it was the best ever. Everyone is different in how the express interest.

If you are boring, that's your fault.

Does being Software QA define your life? If it does, find a way to make it fun. I tell most dates that I'm super into games and play online a lot. I tell them that's where I met all my friends (which turned into real life friends) and most people aren't taken aback by it, but interested in it. It's in your delivery - be honest and straightforward about who you are. And most importantly, be proud of it.

 

[hydragonwarrior]

went over to someone's room and brought pizza and watched a movie

all was going well, after a while of going at it I told her I had a condom if she wanted to use it, she said she wasnt planning on it so I said it was fine and went down on her for a long ass time.... she told me after that she considered oral more intimate than sex and as such didn't reciprocate

That happened to me once as well. But some of that is on me too - I gave some good oral but she wasn't doing anything with me and as a result, I just lost my state of arousal. It felt like fucking WORK at that point and I just wanted to do something else (body language probably gave it away). She was also a bit of a bitch too though.

Should have just asked for her number. Don't make it such a big deal. You're just expressing interest and think she seems like a cool person. Even just say, "Hey, you seem like a cool person. We should go out sometime, what's your number?" Most people take that as a compliment and will not react negatively to it. Even if she says no, you'll feel great for doing it. Trust.

The only way to truly gauge interest is to be a good judge of body language and seeing how the conversation flows. But even that can fail sometimes. I've had great dates with girls who just fall off the map. Also had horrible dates that the girl said it was the best ever. Everyone is different in how the express interest.

If you are boring, that's your fault.

Does being Software QA define your life? If it does, find a way to make it fun. I tell most dates that I'm super into games and play online a lot. I tell them that's where I met all my friends (which turned into real life friends) and most people aren't taken aback by it, but interested in it. It's in your delivery - be honest and straightforward about who you are. And most importantly, be proud of it.

Thanks ant! How or where do you suggest I can learn more about gauging body language? I get the ones when going for a kiss, but it's actually the one when getting a number that throws me off because (as you said above) at that stage it's hard to tell if there is interest...

Also... damn, that's going to be a brainstorming session. I mean my job is interesting in that i work with robots, but i can't make the testing part of it sound interesting. It can't compare to something exciting so should I aim for a different topic? Or just come up with a way to explain my job in an exciting way

 

[ZackieChan]

Maybe you can talk about how you're creating an army of robots in your spare time to take over the world.

Also, talk big picture, not minutiae. No one cares about what you do on an hour-by-hour basis. People barely care about the big picture, but it's a start. Someone defined by their job isn't very attractive anyway. I tell people I'm a video game lawyer, but they'd rather hear about traveling and stuff like that. No one wants to hear me talk about the intricacies of mobile app privacy policies or prepping for angel investment.

 

[PFD]

I turn to you GAF - what are *your* signs (specific as possible) that she's interested in wanting to hang out again and asking for the number is safe?

I think this is your problem. You are trying to play it safe and avoid rejection.

Ask her out. If she says yes, that's your sign that she wants to hang out again.

As someone who's completely new to online dating (and dating in general) what happens if you meet up with someone and there's no attraction from your end? Like we've been talking, she seems perfectly nice, but from her one picture I can't gauge whether I'll find her pretty or not.

I mean obviously you don't say "I didn't think you were pretty", but what's the best way?

You can use this brilliant line:

I feel really bad about this, but I'm actually married

Or this one:

I need to use the restroom quickly *disappears*

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Texted the girl mentioned in the last post to finalize coffee plans in the evening, waiting for reply still. Logic tells me that she could be doing other things/sleeping early to get up for work, but I still feel pretty bad about myself really.

 

[Xun]

More details please. How long have you been together? What's the age difference, and how old are you and her, respectively? Who initiated "The Talk"? If neither, who has hinted about it? Also, where is she from (culture plays a role)?

My humble guess is, the age difference is the issue. You believe her being older will require a certain level of higher commitment due to the position you're both in, a proposition that may be a little daunting to a young guy. You're projecting an unsustainable long-term relationship to due to nature of it (age difference carries higher--at least perceived--responsibility for those involved and those around), and you may also think, subconsciously perhaps, that whatever this older gal saw in you, a younger one will (eventually) see as well, and you don't think you be able to do this for years to come. Just an educated guess.

Pretty much hit the nail on the head.

We're not "official" yet, so a lot of my concerns are simply assumptions. I'm 26 and I believe she's nearing 30 from what I can gather. Not a massive difference, but I just fear she'll want to settle down when I'm not at all in that position. She's from Scotland.

I never "played the field", so I guess that's why I'm panicking? It's annoying since I'm a lot more confident now than I once was, I just wish I was like this a lot earlier. I'm trying not to think about it though.

I'm going to hers tonight for a "movie night", so that should be interesting...

 

[bluethree]

The only way to truly gauge interest is to be a good judge of body language and seeing how the conversation flows. But even that can fail sometimes. I've had great dates with girls who just fall off the map. Also had horrible dates that the girl said it was the best ever. Everyone is different in how the express interest.

This is pretty solid, as I said before the only real "sign of interest" you need is how she reacts when you actually ask her out (or make a move on the date). That's not to say there's no value in judging signs otherwise, but a girl who's seemingly into you can drop off the map like you said, and girls who otherwise might not seem interested might still make time for you.

 

[Royal_Phalanx]

Dang, girl replied back, she's not single.

 

[Jokab]

Now that my sickness is starting to clear up, I need to figure out a third date idea. I'd rather it not be at my house because I want to take this slower than I have recently. First date was coffee in the afternoon, second was pools in the evening. Ideas?

 

[Krauser Kat]

great fucking weekend on the dating front.

I made Chocolate truffles from scratch on friday. They were amazing. Went on the third date with this amazing girl. Took her to the art Institute, we were there from 1230 until 445, some of that was talking and drinking coffee in the members lounge.

Then back to her neck of the woods and food and tea at a fun little cafe. Went back to her place and watching It Follows and the Dreamcatchers (wtf, butt alieans) We ended up just laying on her bed talking.

I cancelled all the other dates i have lined up. I think i will see how this one rides out, but i may be out of sex for awhile. I needed a break from 4-6 dates a week and it will be nice to really get to know someone.

4th date is tonight at my house, she is crappy cook so i am making her mac and cheese from scratch and some awesome salad, the probably watch a movie or two and make out.

 

[Etrian Oddity]

I'm never going to exude sex appeal. I just don't get it, I'm generally pretty happy with all aspects of my life, I'm just as direct as other men: but women always write me off as gay or too sweet to be sexy. This is despite the objective fact that I am a dick to everyone, and I'm an otherwise very confident person. I don't understand.

 

[DivineRage002]

I need help.

I've been on a couple of dates since christmas, and.. oh god, here goes.

I keep getting friendzoned.

Seriously, every single one says I seem like a great guy, they had a lot of fun, I'm attractive etc, but they don't see it going anywhere.

Now I think I know why this is happening, I make myself available too easily, I'm not a challenge, I'm not "mysterious" or "exciting" enough.

This is what I need help with, how do I do that? I simply don't get it.

 

[Krauser Kat]

I need help.

I've been on a couple of dates since christmas, and.. oh god, here goes.

I keep getting friendzoned.

Seriously, every single one says I seem like a great guy, they had a lot of fun, I'm attractive etc, but they don't see it going anywhere.

Now I think I know why this is happening, I make myself available too easily, I'm not a challenge, I'm not "mysterious" or "exciting" enough.

This is what I need help with, how do I do that? I simply don't get it.

Have you tried being more aggressive/assertive in your wants.

 

[Jokab]

I need help.

I've been on a couple of dates since christmas, and.. oh god, here goes.

I keep getting friendzoned.

Seriously, every single one says I seem like a great guy, they had a lot of fun, I'm attractive etc, but they don't see it going anywhere.

Now I think I know why this is happening, I make myself available too easily, I'm not a challenge, I'm not "mysterious" or "exciting" enough.

This is what I need help with, how do I do that? I simply don't get it.

This happened to me with the first two girls I dated. With both of them I went on 5+ dates but never made any kind of move, despite this thread telling me over and over that I should. I'm going to tell you what they told me: be more assertive. Touch more, be more forward. Don't text as much, keep it primarily to setting up the next date and for light banter. Don't be wishy-washy with dates, tell them about your fun idea and propose date and time. After you've done light touching (arms, shoulders, standing/walking closely), go in for a kiss. Preferably not after the third date (though situations can vary of course), honestly the earlier the better. On the dates, don't talk as much about school or jobs, be more passionate in your conversations. What are your passions? I'm going to assume video games, so talk about video games. Not solely, but enough to invoke the feeling that you are passionate about something. Try to amp up date plans as you go, if you do three dates in a row which are coffee, museum and walking, you've already blown it.

Just some tips. They weren't easy for me to apply but I believe I'm doing better now, about a year later. Good luck.

 

[Reave]

I need help.

I've been on a couple of dates since christmas, and.. oh god, here goes.

I keep getting friendzoned.

Seriously, every single one says I seem like a great guy, they had a lot of fun, I'm attractive etc, but they don't see it going anywhere.

Now I think I know why this is happening, I make myself available too easily, I'm not a challenge, I'm not "mysterious" or "exciting" enough.

This is what I need help with, how do I do that? I simply don't get it.

I'm curious about how you conducted yourself during those dates.

Back when I first started dating, I sort of had a similar streak of friend-zoning. But looking back on it now, I realize that I was coming off as an overly agreeable guy-friend. I'd basically agree with everything they'd say, and just piggyback off of whatever they talked about in order to play it safe so that they'd like me more.

I obviously have no clue as to whether that's what you're doing or not, but I'd encourage you to think about whether you're setting the correct tone when you meet someone new. Although there's nothing wrong with letting women do most of the talking during a date, make sure you're keeping them as close to the subject of dating as possible... but without sounding too serious. In other words, you have to set the tone.

For example, ask lighthearted questions about the funniest/worst first dates they've ever had, and follow that up with a few quick and funny stories of your own. If you don't have one, make up 1-2 stories about psycho or weird girls that you CHOSE to stop seeing anymore. What this accomplishes is two-fold. First, it gets her laughing and loosened up around you. Secondly, it discreetly tells the woman that you have criteria, and that you're selective.

The latter part is especially important because it establishes that you're not the type of guy who throws yourself at just anyone. This helps build yourself some value, and that all-important element of intrigue about what you want in a woman. Once you get a woman in that kind of mind-set early, she's not going to feel like the sole judge, jury and executioner during and after the date.

From there, just try to keep with the theme of light dating-related topics, like their biggest dating pet-peeves, or pseudo-funny deal breakers. Nine times out of ten, the woman will go into a few humorous stories that pertain to those questions. Laugh with them, pitch in with a few more real/fictional stories and keep it flowing.

Then, you should reel her back into a more semi-serious question about her ideals that accentuate the positives -- just so it doesn't turn into a full-on griping session among friends. Ask her what her favorite thing about being in a healthy relationship is. This kind of question gets her to think, but without making her sift through her emotional backlog of past hurt or disappointment. If she turns the question back to you, you've successfully got her to view you as a date than a friend in the making. Give her a vague, but firm answer for now. Don't give her too much of an answer, though. Remember, you have to leave her with more questions than answers so that she's intrigued enough to see you again and find out more.

Anyway, hopefully you get the point. Good luck out there, man!

 

[Jokab]

Adding to what Reznor is saying, which is all great by the way, I'd like to mention something about my best female friend. She dated this other girl for a few months, and it was seemingly going good from what I heard. Then I started hearing stories from her about how the other girl wanted to see her all the time, and when she couldn't make time the other girl got sad. My friend felt like she was the only thing the other girl had going for herself, and it made her feel pressured, and eventually ended it mostly because of that.

Don't give off such an aura, that the girl you're dating is the only girl you're dating. It's perfectly fine to want only one woman and to date only one woman, but don't come off as if you are initially. You don't have to say outright that you have other dates coming up (even if you don't), but yeah. Don't make the girl feel cornered or come off as desperate. It's a very bad thing to project.

 

[ZackieChan]

Adding to what Reznor is saying, which is all great by the way, I'd like to mention something about my best female friend. She dated this other girl for a few months, and it was seemingly going good from what I heard. Then I started hearing stories from her about how the other girl wanted to see her all the time, and when she couldn't make time the other girl got sad. My friend felt like she was the only thing the other girl had going for herself, and it made her feel pressured, and eventually ended it mostly because of that.

Don't give off such an aura, that the girl you're dating is the only girl you're dating. It's perfectly fine to want only one woman and to date only one woman, but don't come off as if you are initially. You don't have to say outright that you have other dates coming up (even if you don't), but yeah. Don't make the girl feel cornered or come off as desperate. It's a very bad thing to project.

Yes, having a life outside of dating that person is a very attractive quality to the type of significant others you want to be attracting. Which is to say, those that have similarly-interesting lives. If someone's sitting at home waiting on your text, that's kind of creepy and needy. Likewise, if you are doing the same (you know who you are), get out there and do something cool. It gives you things to talk about on your date, it takes your mind off of receiving that reply text, and if you don't reply right away, it creates that same feeling in the other party that you are having when you post here about the nervousness of waiting on a reply.

Get interesting. As some of use have said before - "would you date you?" You want to be the kind of person someone wants to date and talk to. Like I said to the poster who was asking how to make their math schooling interesting, either talk big-picture (what is your end goal with the math?) or don't talk about it at all. It ISN'T INTERESTING.

 

[DivineRage002]

Thanks for the help guys.

 

[Mediking]

Question for Dating GAF - how do you gauge a woman's interest?

Scenario: I was just in a cafe sitting across a good looking girl reading a psychology book.

Pretty much went like this:

1. I sit down. Notice her. Do some stuff on laptop.
2. Notice she tried to cut a granola bar with a plastic knife. Decided to grab her an actual knife instead from the cafe instead of seeing her struggle. She appreciated it and we had a laugh.
3. Later on, realize I have no pen. She lends me hers.
4. Notice she was dazing from the book, so I asked her what kind of book. The convo was pretty.. neutral. Just her into psych and pHD and what my degree was.
5. Convo officially filtered out at this part - the degree or work question literally kills my energy level because I have absolutely zero way to keep the conversation interesting.
6. Leaves in a bit, say bye to each other.

I didn't go for the number since we're in a shared cafe table, so I was a bit iffy on asking for it in a place with ppl around.

Normally this is overridden if the girl is really into me, BUT, I don't think this girl was. I feel that when a girl is into me, she's laughing and enjoying her time and smiling lots. Not the same here so I decided that it wasn't worth it. And at least a smiling rejection is less of a sting.

I turn to you GAF - what are *your* signs (specific as possible) that she's interested in wanting to hang out again and asking for the number is safe? In this case, I felt a lot of it went well but I'm wondering if perhaps I'm just bad at gauging her interest?

And bonus: how the HELL do you get out of the degree/work question? I'm a Math major and Software QA. It feels like a hellish combination to even describe and i just feel like the world's most boring man talking about it.

First off... nice story. It really reminds me of myself. The feeling of "I should've asked asked for her number..." has hit me quite a few times. It's a feeling of regret and wonder.

I almost always ask for a number if I notice she's laughing at my jokes and seemingly genuinely interested in what I'm saying. Then again, there's been times where I'm almost afraid to ask a woman (who I'm good friends with) for their number. Sometimes getting their number can be a slippery slope and actually ruin the magic/chemistry.

Last but not least... I bet you're not a boring guy. Be happy with yourself. Make a joke to whoever you're talking to that you play with math numbers or something.

 

[Mediking]

I need help.

I've been on a couple of dates since christmas, and.. oh god, here goes.

I keep getting friendzoned.

Seriously, every single one says I seem like a great guy, they had a lot of fun, I'm attractive etc, but they don't see it going anywhere.

Now I think I know why this is happening, I make myself available too easily, I'm not a challenge, I'm not "mysterious" or "exciting" enough.

This is what I need help with, how do I do that? I simply don't get it.

I don't even really know who you are but I feel like hugging you. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you're not assertive enough or aggressive enough then you're pretty much screwed... and not in a good way. And the irony of that is that even when I tried the aggressive route, I still crashed and burned.

 

[Jokab]

She's coming over to my house tomorrow afternoon to make me pancakes. If you know what I mean

(actually literally, but who knows what else happens)

 

[pocketaces]

Anyway, hopefully you get the point. Good luck out there, man!

Yes, having a life outside of dating that person is a very attractive quality to the type of significant others you want to be attracting.It ISN'T INTERESTING.

Just some tips. They weren't easy for me to apply but I believe I'm doing better now, about a year later. Good luck.

You guys are pretty great with all these advice/tips. At least now i know where to ask🙊

 

[Miles Quaritch]

I'd date me. I'd date me so hard...

Come on, I had to....

 

[Kung Fu Jedi]

Thought this might be useful for some of you who tend to over think things:

The Do's and Don't of Texting Someone You Want to Date

 

[Mediking]

I just got a disturbing phone call from a good friend of mine. He told me that another guy (who we both know) told my good friend that he had sex with a woman… this woman is someone who I really liked. My good friend (let’s call him “Ger”) sadly told me everything the guy (let’s call him “Josh” said in vivid detail. Josh was pretty much bragging about how he had sex with the woman (let’s call her “Kristen”).

I genuinely thought there was chemistry between Kristen and I. I really freaking did. The way she smiled at me… laughed at my jokes…. All that time she was having sex with another guy. And to think I foolishly thought I had a chance! HA! I’m laughing at myself!
Josh apparently claims Kristen and him both saw it as just sex. Not a “relationship” but just only sex. Now I am virgin but I still consider just having sex with a person as a relationship. Just because you aren’t going to movies or dinner or other date situations… doesn’t mean it’s not a relationship.

I’m gonna get over this but right now this hurts like crazy. I REALLLYYYYY liked her. I even overcame the “she’s out of my league” mindset. Looking back on it, I didn’t think Kristen and Josh would get together because they never really talked that much when I saw them in the same room. Kristen almost always came to laugh and joke with me. But there were times were they looked at each other weird…

Time to drown myself in video games and music. They oughta cheer me up.

 

[GK86]

Next time make a move instead of jerking off, pretending your hand is Kristen.

 

[Salamando]

That's not disturbing news. It's at worst unfortunate.

You don't need a relationship to have sex. All you need is aligning interests. The only thing you need a relationship for is a romantic getaway to wine country with her parents...

Don't try to friend your way into a relationship.

And yeah, make a move. Josh did.

 

[demosthenes]

I'm getting back to try to meet people. Activated my okcupid account. That's how I met the last girl I dated for like 10 months. First message I got is from sort of a cute girl. The preview in the e-mail starts off saying she's curious as to how I breathed during skydiving (it's one of my profile pictures).

Not sure what to think :lol

 

[Gotdatmoney]

I just got a disturbing phone call from a good friend of mine. He told me that another guy (who we both know) told my good friend that he had sex with a woman… this woman is someone who I really liked. My good friend (let’s call him “Ger”) sadly told me everything the guy (let’s call him “Josh” said in vivid detail. Josh was pretty much bragging about how he had sex with the woman (let’s call her “Kristen”).

I genuinely thought there was chemistry between Kristen and I. I really freaking did. The way she smiled at me… laughed at my jokes…. All that time she was having sex with another guy. And to think I foolishly thought I had a chance! HA! I’m laughing at myself!
Josh apparently claims Kristen and him both saw it as just sex. Not a “relationship” but just only sex. Now I am virgin but I still consider just having sex with a person as a relationship. Just because you aren’t going to movies or dinner or other date situations… doesn’t mean it’s not a relationship.

I’m gonna get over this but right now this hurts like crazy. I REALLLYYYYY liked her. I even overcame the “she’s out of my league” mindset. Looking back on it, I didn’t think Kristen and Josh would get together because they never really talked that much when I saw them in the same room. Kristen almost always came to laugh and joke with me. But there were times were they looked at each other weird…

Time to drown myself in video games and music. They oughta cheer me up.

Sex =/= Relarionship. Remove that presumption. Other than that, if you are not dating a girl, her having sex with people as human beings often do should not be so devastating. You are in too deep if this news ruins your day fam.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

Thought this might be useful for some of you who tend to over think things:

The Do's and Don't of Texting Someone You Want to Date

I've done the over texting which does take the mystery out during the actual date, but with online dating, some girls may get spooked, and would rather get to know the person more before meeting.

 

[Gamerloid]

I just got a disturbing phone call from a good friend of mine. He told me that another guy (who we both know) told my good friend that he had sex with a woman… this woman is someone who I really liked. My good friend (let’s call him “Ger”) sadly told me everything the guy (let’s call him “Josh” said in vivid detail. Josh was pretty much bragging about how he had sex with the woman (let’s call her “Kristen”).

I genuinely thought there was chemistry between Kristen and I. I really freaking did. The way she smiled at me… laughed at my jokes…. All that time she was having sex with another guy. And to think I foolishly thought I had a chance! HA! I’m laughing at myself!
Josh apparently claims Kristen and him both saw it as just sex. Not a “relationship” but just only sex. Now I am virgin but I still consider just having sex with a person as a relationship. Just because you aren’t going to movies or dinner or other date situations… doesn’t mean it’s not a relationship.

I’m gonna get over this but right now this hurts like crazy. I REALLLYYYYY liked her. I even overcame the “she’s out of my league” mindset. Looking back on it, I didn’t think Kristen and Josh would get together because they never really talked that much when I saw them in the same room. Kristen almost always came to laugh and joke with me. But there were times were they looked at each other weird…

Time to drown myself in video games and music. They oughta cheer me up.

I can tell you're inexperienced just by the fact that you built a perfect image of this girl that the thought of her having sex with a another man despite not being in a relationship with you is labeled disturbing. She came to you for laughs, hou're her friend, and that's all you'll be if you're not making any moves. Get out there, otherwise your imagination will simply stay just that. If not, there many other girls out there you're orobsbly overlooking due to eyeing this one so much.

I won't say I don't understand your pain though, I recently set upset up for pain a couple months ago. Close to new year day I got myself a date, but after new year she ignored me until I told her we had to talk. Pretty much I forced to admit she wasn't interested in me, it's annoying to hear that she was ignoring me to push me away. In short, she only went out with me because she knew I wanted it, but was determined to make it not work. I knew this as soon as she agreed to go out on the date, but I push reason aside because I had this false image of her being all honest and whatever. Nope, be smart. Use reason, not your perfect fantasy of romance.

 

[Mediking]

I can tell you're inexperienced just by the fact that you built a perfect image of this girl that the thought of her having sex with a another man despite not being in a relationship with you is labeled disturbing. She came to you for laughs, hou're her friend, and that's all you'll be if you're not making any moves. Get out there, otherwise your imagination will simply stay just that. If not, there many other girls out there you're orobsbly overlooking due to eyeing this one so much.

I won't say I don't understand your pain though, I recently set upset up for pain a couple months ago. Close to new year day I got myself a date, but after new year she ignored me until I told her we had to talk. Pretty much I forced to admit she wasn't interested in me, it's annoying to hear that she was ignoring me to push me away. In short, she only went out with me because she knew I wanted it, but was determined to make it not work. I knew this as soon as she agreed to go out on the date, but I push reason aside because I had this false image of her being all honest and whatever. Nope, be smart. Use reason, not your perfect fantasy of romance.

Thanks for the advice, man. I'm getting over it. The more and more I think about where her mouth has been on Josh.... it's helping me walk away. I wouldn't be that upset if it was some dude I didn't know. But I know Josh. The dude is incredibly passive aggressive yet he had hot passionate sex with a woman I really liked. The mere thought of them naked together just makes me wanna tear my eyes out. I'll still remain her friend but being around her is gonna be weird as heck.

 

[User 479360]

Is asking someone to be your girlfriend after two good dates and lots of texting really that bad of an idea? What about over text if you're too nervous to do it in person?

 

[Mobile Suit Gooch]

I don't think OKC is for me. I'm better off doing it face-to-face.

 

[AnathemicOne]

So the past month and a half I've been focusing on part-time job and dating this girl. Usually these dates are once a week due to distance but today's/this week's date we both agreed that we liked each other but she's really introverted and is iffy on entering a real relationship; we've kissed once. We both agreed on continuing dating and see what happens.

Now for me this is kinda weird/new experience for me because I know I like her but I never dated an introvert let alone started a relationship with one. Being a sort of introvert myself (I was introverted a couple years back but the last 5 years I've made friends and eventually became extroverted) I am aware of the requirement of needing time alone and whatnot, but I'm unsure on how to progress from here.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

Is asking someone to be your girlfriend after two good dates and lots of texting really that bad of an idea? What about over text if you're too nervous to do it in person?

Fuck yes it's a bad idea. Don't ask her to be your gf. What are you, in high school? Let things happen naturally.

 

[stn]

Thanks for the advice, man. I'm getting over it. The more and more I think about where her mouth has been on Josh.... it's helping me walk away. I wouldn't be that upset if it was some dude I didn't know. But I know Josh. The dude is incredibly passive aggressive yet he had hot passionate sex with a woman I really liked. The mere thought of them naked together just makes me wanna tear my eyes out. I'll still remain her friend but being around her is gonna be weird as heck.

I get how you're feeling, I do. But you're doing it all wrong. You're sitting back and conceptualizing how some girl is perfect for you, and it makes you feel bad that she's banging some other guy. Its just a reality check, man.

If you want the girl then you have to make a move. Less being a friend and more being a person who she wants to have physical intimacy with. If you fail, which you have, don't sit back and sulk. You're way too invested in a girl you haven't even dated once. Rarely will a girl sit around and wait for a guy, you have to be bold and make a move.

I know this post sounds slightly harsh but its only because I really hope you get this idea stuck in your head. Get out there and meet women. Don't get depressed over one girl your friend is banging. Its not worth it!

Is asking someone to be your girlfriend after two good dates and lots of texting really that bad of an idea? What about over text if you're too nervous to do it in person?

Terrible idea. Let it flow naturally. You can ask her to be exclusive after you've dated enough times and have had coitus. But DO NOT ask her to "be your girlfriend" under any circumstances.

 

[davidwhangchoi]

Fuck yes it's a bad idea. Don't ask her to be your gf. What are you, in high school? Let things happen naturally.

cracking me up, hahaha =D

 

[Mediking]

I get how you're feeling, I do. But you're doing it all wrong. You're sitting back and conceptualizing how some girl is perfect for you, and it makes you feel bad that she's banging some other guy. Its just a reality check, man.

If you want the girl then you have to make a move. Less being a friend and more being a person who she wants to have physical intimacy with. If you fail, which you have, don't sit back and sulk. You're way too invested in a girl you haven't even dated once. Rarely will a girl sit around and wait for a guy, you have to be bold and make a move.

I know this post sounds slightly harsh but its only because I really hope you get this idea stuck in your head. Get out there and meet women. Don't get depressed over one girl your friend is banging. Its not worth it!

Thanks. I... I... I really like to get to know people. When I meet a woman that I'm attracted to, I like to talk to her friendly and just see who she is. I know that's pretty much suicide though. If you don't quickly show physical desire then you don't stand a chance. But there have been times where I tried to show physical intimacy but I felt like a weirdo and a creepy guy. The best I can do right now with displaying desire for physical intimacy is: "Wow. You look freaking great." Or "You should totally be a model". I'm comfortable with saying that to women but I know its weak.

A small part of me does want to test Kristen to see if she would tell me herself that she had sex with Josh. But then again, what does she even benefit from for telling me she had sex with Josh? I always thought that her laughing and smiling with me was great stuff. Little did I know, she was rocking Josh's world the entire time. I wish I could go back in time to warn my old self from caring about her too much and thinking I was making progress to be her boyfriend one day when in reality... I was going nowhere. That's probably the thing that's bothering me the most: the illusion I had in my head that her smiles and laughs were signs she liked me back.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Thanks. I... I... I really like to get to know people. When I meet a woman that I'm attracted to, I like to talk to her friendly and just see who she is. I know that's pretty much suicide though. If you don't quickly show physical desire then you don't stand a chance. But there have been times where I tried to show physical intimacy but I felt like a weirdo and a creepy guy. The best I can do right now with displaying desire for physical intimacy is: "Wow. You look freaking great." Or "You should totally be a model". I'm comfortable with saying that to women but I know its weak.

A small part of me does want to test Kristen to see if she would tell me herself that she had sex with Josh. But then again, what does she even benefit from for telling me she had sex with Josh? I always thought that her laughing and smiling with me was great stuff. Little did I know, she was rocking Josh's world the entire time. I wish I could go back in time to warn my old self from caring about her too much and thinking I was making progress to be her boyfriend one day when in reality... I was going nowhere. That's probably the thing that's bothering me the most: the illusion I had in my head that her smiles and laughs were signs she liked me back.

You can like someone and fuck another person too. Most of us do this regularly, at least until we're in a relationship.

You weren't making progress because you didn't actually take any affirmative steps towards anything. Hell, you still have a chance with Kristen. So what if she slept with someone else? Can the "sullied virginal goods" act.

And stop requesting physical intimacy; initiate it (obviously, in a respectful, consensual way).

Finally, you know how you make progress towards "being a boyfriend?" Asking her out on a date.

 

[torontoml]

So the girl I had a date with that said she wanted to get to get together again hasn't texted back since Friday. So nothing is probably going to happen there eh?

Second, matched with another girl on tinder but she has a kid, I have no interest in kids at all currently. If I had more/any experience I think I could get on fine with her, but even to try for a short fling or something I would likely be way out of my depth considering the life experience difference we would have.

More or less am I self defeating with this thinking or am I right, or should I just message her anyway.

 

[neurosisxeno]

So the girl I had a date with that said she wanted to get to get together again hasn't texted back since Friday. So nothing is probably going to happen there eh?

Second, matched with another girl on tinder but she has a kid, I have no interest in kids at all currently. If I had more/any experience I think I could get on fine with her, but even to try for a short fling or something I would likely be way out of my depth considering the life experience difference we would have.

It's possible she has other stuff going on--remember, everyone has their own life. Some people just aren't as focused on their personal lives as others. If like a week goes by and you don't hear from her it's probably a good sign the ship has sailed.

As for the second, it really depends on what people are looking for. I know a lot of single mothers that still hook up or date people, and it's rare they introduce them to their kids--that's only for serious relationships when the guy is interested in meeting them. Some people are able to more easily separate being a parent from being a person, and understand that both have different needs and levels of commitment. If she's interesting and attractive why not give it a go? Interacting with people who have different life experiences is definitely a good way to get more perspective on things and grow as a person imo.

 

[ZackieChan]

Thanks. I... I... I really like to get to know people. When I meet a woman that I'm attracted to, I like to talk to her friendly and just see who she is. I know that's pretty much suicide though. If you don't quickly show physical desire then you don't stand a chance. But there have been times where I tried to show physical intimacy but I felt like a weirdo and a creepy guy. The best I can do right now with displaying desire for physical intimacy is: "Wow. You look freaking great." Or "You should totally be a model". I'm comfortable with saying that to women but I know its weak.

A small part of me does want to test Kristen to see if she would tell me herself that she had sex with Josh. But then again, what does she even benefit from for telling me she had sex with Josh? I always thought that her laughing and smiling with me was great stuff. Little did I know, she was rocking Josh's world the entire time. I wish I could go back in time to warn my old self from caring about her too much and thinking I was making progress to be her boyfriend one day when in reality... I was going nowhere. That's probably the thing that's bothering me the most: the illusion I had in my head that her smiles and laughs were signs she liked me back.

I honestly don't know where to begin here. Like others, I've been here as well. I suggest you take an afternoon and go back and read the last 30-50 pages of this thread. You'll see plenty of examples of people making similar mistakes to yours. You'll also see a ton of great advice. Once you've studied up, come back with questions.

 

[torontoml]

I understand that she may just be looking for a quick hookup. Though I don't know why you'd post a picture of your kid on tinder and mention that you're a single mother if that's all she was looking for.

My biggest hold up is I have never been with someone at all and she has a kid.

After typing it out I guess my worries would apply to pretty much everyone considering I'm 28. Can't hurt to message her and get more experience anyway I guess.

 

[ZackieChan]

I understand that she may just be looking for a quick hookup. Though I don't know why you'd post a picture of your kid on tinder and mention that you're a single mother if that's all she was looking for.

My biggest hold up is I have never been with someone at all and she has a kid.

After typing it out I guess my worries would apply to pretty much everyone considering I'm 28. Can't hurt to message her and get more experience anyway I guess.

Single mothers gotta get some, too!

 

[torontoml]

Single mothers gotta get some, too!

Oh yeah, but wouldn't it be more advantages to them to just not advertise it? Maybe I'm shallow or something.

 

[peanutbutterlatte]

Oh yeah, but wouldn't it be more advantages to them to just not advertise it? Maybe I'm shallow or something.

I think they realise it's a pretty massive thing to tell. Also, why would they want to waste time with guys for whom it's an issue?

 

[Salamando]

Oh yeah, but wouldn't it be more advantages to them to just not advertise it? Maybe I'm shallow or something.

They're just covering their bases. If something serious develops, they won't need to go "Surprise! here's my son".

If she's like most single mothers, she won't introduce you to the kid for months. The most you'll notice is a lot of her stories involves her kid, and she'll be harder to schedule dates with.

 

[neurosisxeno]

Oh yeah, but wouldn't it be more advantages to them to just not advertise it? Maybe I'm shallow or something.

Probably, which is why some of them don't. It's a pretty important part of their life, and trying to hide it will inevitably blow up in their face. Depending on what area you're in, Tinder is still more a "speed dating"/"hook up" app, so advertising something like that kind of sends of a "your place not mine" and "things to know if this gets serious" in one stroke, not to mention it could explain them being harder to plan dates/hang outs around.

I think they realise it's a pretty massive thing to tell. Also, why would they want to waste time with guys for whom it's an issue?

Yea, nothing would suck more than meeting this awesome girl and hooking up a few times then one day she just drops a "OH BY THE WAY..." Honesty is rarely a negative trait.

 

[torontoml]

Right on guys, I'll probably message her tomorrow considering it's midnight now. Can't hurt anyway.