Support NeoGAF

[vern]

Not really? I don't know It's how I am, but I just need help actually figuring out how to do the relationship thing with it. So far it's only led to sadness.

Like I keep seeing people here talking about dong it second or third date, or working towards it. Well what do I do if the goal is date never instead of date 3? Too many people put too much emphasis on it in relationships from what I read, call it the key to a successful relationship. So what the hell do I do

The physical part is emphasized because without it then you are basically just friends.

I don't know enough (anything) about asexuality but if the point of dating for you is to find a person to be close to and share things with but not have a physical relationship, then how does a good friend or best friend not fill that gap? Do you have good friends?

 

[MikeDip]

The physical part is emphasized because without it then you are basically just friends.

I don't know enough (anything) about asexuality but if the point of dating for you is to find a person to be close to and share things with but not have a physical relationship, then how does a good friend or best friend not fill that gap? Do you have good friends?

I have friends what I want is a relationship/partner

 

[vern]

I have friends what I want is a relationship/partner

And you want romance with her but not to be physically affectionate?

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

I guess, yeah.

Just makes it so damn hard. Limits the dating pool to basically 0.

Paging Leeness.

You just found literally the only other member in your dating pool.

 

[MikeDip]

And you want romance with her but not to be physically affectionate?

Pretty much!

(The whole "But then what's the difference between that and just friends" is a huge issue, but so many people seem to think that way. That thinking makes this so hard haha)

Paging Leeness.

You just found literally the only other member in your dating pool.

Only looking for advice here, not a catch

 

[User 479360]

One thing that scares me is how I don't want kids, yet almost everyone else seems to.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Pretty much!

(The whole "But then what's the difference between that and just friends" is a huge issue, but so many people seem to think that way. That thinking makes this so hard haha)



Only looking for advice here, not a catch

Yeah, I know, but your situation's admittedly the most minority position one could possibly take. I honestly have no advice -- if this is actually what you want, then you need to exploit every possible avenue at finding a potential partner, because you're only going to meet a handful of them, most likely.

 

[vern]

Pretty much!

(The whole "But then what's the difference between that and just friends" is a huge issue, but so many people seem to think that way. That thinking makes this so hard haha)



Only looking for advice here, not a catch

Sorry yeah can't help you. That's kind of hard to wrap my brain around. Find a group online maybe? There must be some dating forum for asexuals. Or create one and get rich and have all the asexual ladies begging for your... Ummm your nothing i guess lol

 

[MikeDip]

Yeah, I know, but your situation's admittedly the most minority position one could possibly take. I honestly have no advice -- if this is actually what you want, then you need to exploit every possible avenue at finding a potential partner, because you're only going to meet a handful of them, most likely.

Honestly, I am scared to try. I look through this thread and other stuff online and see the troubles normal people have. Then I remember I am dealing with a pool like .01% of that. The odds are not in my favour. And I am all about the odds

One thing that scares me is how I don't want kids, yet almost everyone else seems to.

I want kids so bad! Need to grab that immortality any way I can

Sorry yeah can't help you. That's kind of hard to wrap my brain around. Find a group online maybe? There must be some dating forum for asexuals. Or create one and get rich and have all the asexual ladies begging for your... Ummm your nothing i guess lol

I remember looking into that a few years ago but got discouraged.

 

[The Wall]

No one?

I've become like this before and have to work myself out of it. It was trauma induced for me though.

 

[Dylan Sexbang]

Messaging a girl on OKC right now. Damn, everyone out here is attending college or has a college education. It really feels like I'm lowering my self value. I should really go back to school... Or just say fuck it and join the navy. I still have a few years on that one.

#showerthoughts

 

[ZackieChan]

True

The last girl I kissed told me it was like I was kissing my mother.

Your date kissed your mother?

Wish me luck. This girl is way too damn attractive, and even though we met up on a first date and it went relatively well, I dunno. I'm a confident and direct guy, but she's just gorgeous, and she could probably have any guy she wants.

Everything that's not the word "confident" here oozes a lack of confidence. That's also shown in your other misadventures. Is there something you're not telling us?

I guess, yeah.

Just makes it so damn hard. Limits the dating pool to basically 0.

Have you considered contacting Terrisus?

 

[Cudder]

I've never bought condoms. Well, I did by a name brand but returned them once the girl I was seeing told me she lied to me about having an STI.

I just used her condoms when I was there, and the only ones I have now I picked up from the local health department's sexual health clinic the times I went in to get tested and pick up letters.

They're helpful, and it's good for practicing putting them on.

Never, ever use condoms that the girl already has..

 

[Dylan Sexbang]

Messaging on OKC is actually going well. Not sure if she's interested in dating at all. But, she did say she would like to hangout and show me around my new city. But we're just small talk on messages for now, looking to make plans after the snow stops. Fuck snow. Im a LA beach boy.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

Hello Dating-Age!

So there's this girl I'm currently smitten with who's good friends with my older sister. Over the last few weekends we've been talking to each other more and more. Not on the phone or through texting mind you, a group of 4-5 of us usually meet up on Sundays for lunch since we live relatively close to each other. She and I have been just making more small-talk as we've gotten to know each other. This last weekend I finally reached "goodbye hug" status. Score. Granted, she hugs all of her friends goodbye, so I'm not reading into anything quite yet.

Spoiler

Although she has been liking all of my posts on Facebook lately so clearly she's into me right????

I've always been a fan of creative ways of letting someone know you're interested in them, and I think I've figured out a way to break the ice with her. As it happens, she's a nutritionist and is currently training to become a chef. Plus, I overheard her say to someone else in our group that she's actually going to France for a few weeks this summer as part of her culinary degree. So I decided that since Valentine's Day is coming up in two weeks I would play on her interests a bit.

I bought some Red Velvet Cake cookie mix, some heart-shaped cookie-cutters and this Paris-themed spatula with little hearts on it to give to her for Valentine's day. I know her well enough at this point that I know she won't find that too forward or weird. If that can't get me a first date then I don't know what can.

Because I've never asked a girl out like this before, the only thing I've yet to figure out is how exactly to give this to her. I feel like in-person might be a tad too in-your-face? My plan right now is to package everything up all pretty and leave it on her front doorstep with some sort of small card or tag with a note on it - but fuck me if I know what the note should say. A sappy poem? A cheesy quote about beauty? Whatever it says, I do plan on ending it with my number and a proposition for a date - perhaps even a date to bake the Red Velvet Cake cookies. I've got plenty of time to work out those little details, so if anybody has any suggestions I'm all ears.

*edit - Apparently this this was a tad too elaborate for the first step. Greatly appreciate the feedback!

I know you added in the edit but please please please never ever buy a gift for someone you haven't been dating for a few months. Personally I'm basically no gift giving ever until the relationship is fully established. Until we are exclusive, you basically are friend status and I don't buy my friends shit 99% of the time.

 

[User 479360]

Your date kissed your mother?

She said I kissed like that. I've had very little practice, and don't kiss anyone -- including family.

Which is why I'm scared to kiss the girl tomorrow night, because it may scare her away.

Never, ever use condoms that the girl already has..

Good point. Never thought of it like that.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

My other misadventures? I've only had one. The first girl, Emily, i was very confident and direct. And i did everything perfect to the T up until I got too clingy on the third date. I met three other girls since Emily, and one turned out looking for an emotional sponge since she's just broke up with her BF, and the other a Catholic brought up about God being important in family. Third girl I tried for a second chance. She's ok, and we have way different personalities.

This new girl is super attractive, we have a lot in common, which she loves, and she's out with friends now. We were talking all day again.

and there's nothing I'm hiding. She's attractive, probably more so than Emily, and thats what's kind of bugging me. She definitely gets hit on by guys, according to the crazy story about a weird guy staring at her at a bar, and she was being nice just trying to buy him a beer.

And for the record, I don't think we're exclusive, we both have lives outside of dating. I just don't want another guy scooping her up when she's always out. I guess time will tell if she agrees for second date.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

She said I kissed like that. I've had very little practice, and don't kiss anyone -- including family.

Which is why I'm scared to kiss the girl tomorrow night, because it may scare her away.



Good point. Never thought of it like that.

You only get good at kissing by doing it repeatedly. Don't be scared, just like do it. It's pretty hard to suck at it. And honestly, I've made out with maybe 2 girls who were awful at it but like, no one is gonna talk themselves outta some tongue by saying that.

 

[Dylan Sexbang]

And I just got my first number! Started an OKC yesterdayl. I guess I'll be seeing how this goes in a couple days! And she texted me!

 

[Leeness]

Paging Leeness.

You just found literally the only other member in your dating pool.

Sup.

Pretty much!

(The whole "But then what's the difference between that and just friends" is a huge issue, but so many people seem to think that way. That thinking makes this so hard haha)

Only looking for advice here, not a catch

I mostly just go through life with the assumption that I will never have a partner. I've made peace with that. I have dating profiles open in the off chance that one day someone will come along, but I have little expectations haha.

Sorry, that's not what you want to hear, but yeh.

 

[GtwoK]

Evening all. Quick question. Asked in the Online Dating thread but no response.

After having a dry spell for the past few months on Tinder and OKC, I decided to restart my tinder account. Within a week I had 60+ matches, and not only that, but quite a few of them actually messaged me first.

As a result, I've got 5 dates lined up this week (the 5th being a second date with a girl I just went on the 1st one with today).

Things with this 1st girl went quite swimmingly, I enjoyed it! We grabbed brunch, and when I dropped her off at her place, she suggested we grab drinks Wednesday night.

Here's the thing though: I found out that, coincidentally, her dad actually works at the same company I work at. I'm a visual designer there, and he's a project manager (so of course, he is higher ranking than me). I've seen his cubicle as I've walked past it many times (his name being on the front of it). I haven't actually met the guy, nor do I work on any of the projects he manages. His daughter also lives on her own, so I wouldn't have frequent contact with this guy outside of work if I started dating his daughter or anything like that.

Is dating this girl a bad idea? Would there be repercussions, do you think? It's always said not to date your coworkers, but I'm not sure if this counts.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

No it's not. I'd go for it. You don't even know the guy.

 

[BladeoftheImmortal]

True

The last girl I kissed told me it was like I was kissing my mother.

Damn, you kiss pretty good, then.

Just make sure to wear a strong belt when bowling. Don't want any plumber's cracks coming up.

Gonna ask her out for a second date when she gets home. I'll set the playful mood with a few words instead of just coming out with it right away.

She said her favorite food is sushi. I'm going to tell her I'm going to take her out for a dinner, but I can't say, since it's a surprise. You're gonna love it.

Wish me luck. This girl is way too damn attractive, and even though we met up on a first date and it went relatively well, I dunno. I'm a confident and direct guy, but she's just gorgeous, and she could probably have any guy she wants.

She said she's never met a guy who shared so many of the same interests, even growing up. When we first started to text, I asked her if that was a good thing, she said yes. She also said I playful and can hold a conversation. Also she told me she legit laughs at her work when I'm being funny.

You are falling in love again after only one date. Why are you trying to make it a surprise? Comes off a little creepy. Just tell her. Hey. I know this great sushi place at ... I'm going to take you there this Saturday. What do you think?

 

[Dylan Sexbang]

Well, I'm meeting up with this girl on Thursday. We're either going to hit up a hookah bar or bowling? Any tips? From anyone? She also said she'd like to take me around the city and show me places and let her do all the driving. But that's for another day.

I'll be wearing a flannel, jeans, and either really tacky salmon colored nikes or boots from ROTC (it's snowing give me a break). Probably going to keep my talking as non-nerdy as possible, let her start it up.

Should I be worried about meeting someone off of OKC? Like tell someone before I go? I ain't got friends out here to tell anyway! And is 22 to 19 a good age difference?

 

[vern]

Well, I'm meeting up with this girl on Thursday. We're either going to hit up a hookah bar or bowling? Any tips? From anyone? She also said she'd like to take me around the city and show me places and let her do all the driving. But that's for another day.

I'll be wearing a flannel, jeans, and either really tacky salmon colored nikes or boots from ROTC (it's snowing give me a break). Probably going to keep my talking as non-nerdy as possible, let her start it up.

Should I be worried about meeting someone off of OKC? Like tell someone before I go? I ain't got friends out here to tell anyway! And is 22 to 19 a good age difference?

Lol at planning your clothes ahead.

Why are you worried about meeting her? Think she's a scammer? If yes then yeah tell someone where you are going and who you are with. Have you talked on the phone or exchanged pics besides what's on okc?

Age difference doesn't matter.

Tips: you are right, let her lead the conversation initially if possible. Feel her out for a bit so you don't say or do anything stupid. If the conversation dries up and you aren't a good talker maybe think of some things to talk about before the date ... I mean, shit you are already planning your clothes might as well plan the conversation as well.

Also, if you are actually worried she is a scammer or something then obviously don't let her know where you live and don't let her drive you all around. Meet somewhere in in public, just like selling something on Craigslist. Don't bring a bunch of cash. Maybe one credit card, no debit card. Be safe and smart.

 

[Xun]

Good points

I'm not a good kisser and hardly know how, so that's my real worry.

Go with the flow.

Just follow what she's doing and it'll usually work.

I'm a good kisser apparently, or so I've been told...

 

[Dylan Sexbang]

Just have my own anxieties. I've only met one person from the Internet in real life, and they're my best friend now. But we skyped and talked for months beforehand. This girl I've talked to for a few, but she seems cool. Got her number and she's lived here her whole life, told me where she works, and that I work pretty close to where she lives. And I really need to start getting out of I'm going to survive out here.

Thursday it is. Either hookah or bowling.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

Damn, you kiss pretty good, then.

Just make sure to wear a strong belt when bowling. Don't want any plumber's cracks coming up.


You are falling in love again after only one date. Why are you trying to make it a surprise? Comes off a little creepy. Just tell her. Hey. I know this great sushi place at ... I'm going to take you there this Saturday. What do you think?

I don't think it's creepy. I did the same with Emily, the date turned out amazing.

anyway, she never texted me back last night even though she said she would. She was out with her friends. She'll probably apologize about it, too. It doesn't bother me much, since she has her own life outside of dating.

 

[MikeDip]

Sup.



I mostly just go through life with the assumption that I will never have a partner. I've made peace with that. I have dating profiles open in the off chance that one day someone will come along, but I have little expectations haha.

Sorry, that's not what you want to hear, but yeh.

Okay cool, so how do we fix this.

 

[n64coder]

Okay cool, so how do we fix this.

Start by having a conversation over PM or skype

 

[Kyne]

Dating-Age |OT6| We've gone full circle.

 

[Llyranor]

I have friends what I want is a relationship/partner

Mike, there are specialized asexual dating sites. I don't know how populated they are, but they might be your best bet.

Dating-Age |OT6| We've gone full circle.

Hahaha.

Saying you're confident and being confident are different things. Being insecure and thinking she's too pretty and oh she must have so many guys hitting on her and hmmm she didn't text me even though she said she would but she must have such a busy life since she's so pretty and all and probably dating all these guys oh man is she pretty IS NOT BEING CONFIDENT. Take a step back and stop overthinking everything. So what is she's pretty? So what if she's being hit on by other guys? You're her #1 choice, and unless you internalize that and act like it, your insecurity will seep into your interactions and sabotage your chances when you start texting her clingy overbearing messages while sitting by phone constantly checking when oh when is she going to answer back.

 

[Denzar]

Mike, there are specialized asexual dating sites. I don't know how populated they are, but they might be your best bet.



Hahaha.

Saying you're confident and being confident are different things. Being insecure and thinking she's too pretty and oh she must have so many guys hitting on her and hmmm she didn't text me even though she said she would but she must have such a busy life since she's so pretty and all and probably dating all these guys oh man is she pretty IS NOT BEING CONFIDENT. Take a step back and stop overthinking everything. So what is she's pretty? So what if she's being hit on by other guys? You're her #1 choice, and unless you internalize that and act like it, your insecurity will seep into your interactions and sabotage your chances when you start texting her clingy overbearing messages while sitting by phone constantly checking when oh when is she going to answer back.

How? That's also my biggest problem. Not that I want to hijack this dude's cry for help.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

How? That's also my biggest problem. Not that I want to hijack this dude's cry for help.

Well for one fill your time with activities that require your attention and dont bring your phone to them. Shoot around a basketball, go on a bike ride, go to the movies, play a board game with friends lol. Do something that like actually requires your attention.

The worst thing you can do is just sit around your phone waiting for someone to send you some words. Put the damn phone away and be a person not an answering machine.

 

[Leeness]

Okay cool, so how do we fix this.

I already said--I have zero expectations and have made my peace with the fact that I will never have a partner.

But that's obviously not what you want, so

 

[Denzar]

Well for one fill your time with activities that require your attention and dont bring your phone to them. Shoot around a basketball, go on a bike ride, go to the movies, play a board game with friends lol. Do something that like actually requires your attention.

The worst thing you can do is just sit around your phone waiting for someone to send you some words. Put the damn phone away and be a person not an answering machine.

Oh, but that's not the problem here. I'm a very busy boy. It's during the dates or conversation that my mind goes in overdrive.

 

[Banjo-Kazooie]

Matched with someone in Tinder, agreed we should grab a drink sometime, and started planning places to meet and when and she even seemed excited. Gave her my number since I personally think it's easier to coordinate that way when trying to meet up rather than checking through the app.

That was Sunday. It's Tuesday and never received a text. maybe she's just busy which I totally get, but I'm kinda bummed I haven't heard from her yet since we seemed to be hitting it off with nice small talk.

I'm definitely not being pushy tough and messaging again. Hoping she messages me or texts soonish though haha.

By the way, this is my first try at meeting up with someone since my girlfriend and I split a few weeks ago. Wasn't looking for anything serious, just trying to get out there again haha.

(Mind you I've matched and been chatting with others but me and her seemed to have a decent connection and common things to talk about right off the bat)

 

[ZackieChan]

How? That's also my biggest problem. Not that I want to hijack this dude's cry for help.

Also realize that every little interaction isn't some game or puzzle. People have lives and people act weird sometimes. It's fine. Don't put all of your eggs in one basket until you are sure that the dating is serious. Otherwise you are more prone to overanalyze every small interaction with someone, rather than focusing on the big picture.

 

[Llyranor]

Also realize that every little interaction isn't some game or puzzle.

This is good advice. This is what people mean when they say 'just be yourself' - just interact normally with like you would a normal person. If the other person is playing mind games, that's a different issue (and I would personally bail).

Now, if the 'yourself' is prone to overanalyzing everything, then that's something you should be working on. Sometimes just putting you out there and getting more experience is all you need. The more you're exposured to it, the less it'll stress you out.

Oh, but that's not the problem here. I'm a very busy boy. It's during the dates or conversation that my mind goes in overdrive.

What do you usually stress about? Is your mindset that you need prove yourself to her and impress her? Are you worried you're not good enough?

Dating is not a one-sided thing. Consider a mindset where you are assessing whether she is a good fit for you, rather than whether you're good enough to be worthy of her attention.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

Matched with someone in Tinder, agreed we should grab a drink sometime, and started planning places to meet and when and she even seemed excited. Gave her my number since I personally think it's easier to coordinate that way when trying to meet up rather than checking through the app.

That was Sunday. It's Tuesday and never received a text. maybe she's just busy which I totally get, but I'm kinda bummed I haven't heard from her yet since we seemed to be hitting it off with nice small talk.

I'm definitely not being pushy tough and messaging again. Hoping she messages me or texts soonish though haha.

By the way, this is my first try at meeting up with someone since my girlfriend and I split a few weeks ago. Wasn't looking for anything serious, just trying to get out there again haha.

(Mind you I've matched and been chatting with others but me and her seemed to have a decent connection and common things to talk about right off the bat)

Ask for numbers, don't give yours. That's the fast way to getting forgotten about as she's likely matching with lots of guys who are asking for her number and engaging her rather than her having to engage them.

 

[Cudder]

Matched with someone in Tinder, agreed we should grab a drink sometime, and started planning places to meet and when and she even seemed excited. Gave her my number since I personally think it's easier to coordinate that way when trying to meet up rather than checking through the app.

That was Sunday. It's Tuesday and never received a text. maybe she's just busy which I totally get, but I'm kinda bummed I haven't heard from her yet since we seemed to be hitting it off with nice small talk.

I'm definitely not being pushy tough and messaging again. Hoping she messages me or texts soonish though haha.

By the way, this is my first try at meeting up with someone since my girlfriend and I split a few weeks ago. Wasn't looking for anything serious, just trying to get out there again haha.

(Mind you I've matched and been chatting with others but me and her seemed to have a decent connection and common things to talk about right off the bat)

On to the next one.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

I'M BACK, BABY! I'M BACK!

/Costanza

 

[Max]

I'M BACK, BABY! I'M BACK!

/Costanza

Please tell me you caught Llyranor's post

 

[Banjo-Kazooie]

Ask for numbers, don't give yours. That's the fast way to getting forgotten about as she's likely matching with lots of guys who are asking for her number and engaging her rather than her having to engage them.

See, here is where my tinder rookieness comes into play. My last two ex's actually gave me their number before I even asked so I'm just not used to actually asking for a number lol.

I will definitely do this on my other matches. Thanks for the advise!

On to the next one.

For sure. Juat wanted to post about it and clear my mind a bit haha. Sometimes it's good to just type some thoughts down

 

[Assanova]

Ask for numbers, don't give yours. That's the fast way to getting forgotten about as she's likely matching with lots of guys who are asking for her number and engaging her rather than her having to engage them.

I always give my number first and have never had a problem with it. If a girl really does like you, then I don't think it will matter. If the difference between meeting a girl is you offering your number or you asking for hers, chances are, you're probably not one of her top choices anyway.

 

[Denzar]

This is good advice. This is what people mean when they say 'just be yourself' - just interact normally with like you would a normal person. If the other person is playing mind games, that's a different issue (and I would personally bail).

Now, if the 'yourself' is prone to overanalyzing everything, then that's something you should be working on. Sometimes just putting you out there and getting more experience is all you need. The more you're exposured to it, the less it'll stress you out.



What do you usually stress about? Is your mindset that you need prove yourself to her and impress her? Are you worried you're not good enough?

Dating is not a one-sided thing. Consider a mindset where you are assessing whether she is a good fit for you, rather than whether you're good enough to be worthy of her attention.

That's just it, that's what I keep overthinking.

 

[Jokab]

For the girl I'm dating now I actually gave her my number after only a day of texting, which was a personal record for me. She texted me "Hey <waving emoji>" and I texted back "Hi, who is this?" as a joke which I always do. A day went by without a text back, and I eventually texted her "Just so it's clear, I know it's <her name>", and she resumed conversation as normal. On our third date I found out she actually dropped me there and then with the assumption that I gave a fake number, lol. Good thing things worked out because it's going super well *swoon*.

 

[ZackieChan]

That's just it, that's what I keep overthinking.

Well, if it's just a first or second date, don't get too crazy and think about spending your lives together. Just have fun.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

Please tell me you caught Llyranor's post

Thanks for mentioning that, Max. I missed his post, and thanks Llyranor.

It's really been hard to work on this issue when I meet a really attractive woman. On the plus side, I'm not being clingy or saying anything stupid in my text messages. I dunno, I really didn't have a problem with this in my 20s. I think it may have to do with me being 34 in June, and I just feel like I want to meet someone special in the long-term. I want to have kids one day, and I'm creeping up to be one of those 60 year old dads whose kids just graduate from high school.

She replied "woohoo" after I mentioned I'm going to take her out to dinner, but I couldn't tell her where, since it's a surprise. I told her trust me, you'll love it.

But she did tell me she's in foul mood. Woke up feeling sick. She was out all night last night, so I didn't bother asking if it was from drinking. Who the fuck knows.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

I always give my number first and have never had a problem with it. If a girl really does like you, then I don't think it will matter. If the difference between meeting a girl is you offering your number or you asking for hers, chances are, you're probably not one of her top choices anyway.

I give my number first, too. BUT I've had a few girls end up giving me their numbers after I had already given mine. Why do girls do that? I asked Emily that, and she said she likes the men around her to take the lead, she's old fashioned, and that she really couldn't think of anything creative. I dunno, none of those make sense to me.