Miles Quaritch
Member
Too much self love can leave one sore...
Dating-Age |OT5| Halp me pls. In the bathroom.
- Thread starter Septimius
- Start date
- Status
Too much self love can leave one sore...
Met a very cute girl in a karaoke bar, flirted with her, cracked my worst jokes, she laughed at said awful jokes. Was going well, thought I'd go all in and ask to go back home with her, she is open to it, we talk for a bit more at the side of the bar, dance a bit, ask her if she's still interested and she's like nah. She lost the initial spark.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Okay, so she was open to going home with you, so why didn't you leave right there and then? Why waste time?
You could have talked on the way home. You could have drank at home. You could have danced at home too...
You could have talked on the way home. You could have drank at home. You could have danced at home too...
ZackieChan
Member
She probably sobered up a bit and questioned her decision-making. Did you get her number, at least?
Met a very cute girl in a karaoke bar, flirted with her, cracked my worst jokes, she laughed at said awful jokes. Was going well, thought I'd go all in and ask to go back home with her, she is open to it, we talk for a bit more at the side of the bar, dance a bit, ask her if she's still interested and she's like nah. She lost the initial spark.
Once you ask if she wants to go home with you.
You go home.
You don't wait.
I love myself I think because I do things I believe I deserve, like traveling to cosplay in conventions and working out to be as healthy as I should be.
This is a recent thing though. I believe I should honestly talk to more girls I'm attracted to in person when I'm out and about. I feel like I owe that to myself at least.
This is a recent thing though. I believe I should honestly talk to more girls I'm attracted to in person when I'm out and about. I feel like I owe that to myself at least.
ZackieChan
Member
Oh, she would be feeling him
Gotdatmoney
Member
Hotline Bling came on and he just could rip himself from the damce floor. Whipped out his best drizzy moves and tge rest is dating age history.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Seems to me she might have wanted a quick fumble, bleepey didn't move quick enough and she decided it wasn't worth her time any more.
These things tend to have a momentum, she was quite possibly horny and wanted to go back to his, he failed to move it away from the bar and she figured that inaction might extend to the bedroom too. No offence there, bleepey.
Dude, you're gonna be drowning in matches on Tinder. You look good, you have a house, a job and you work out. Men in their 30s are in their prime on the dating market. By the way, Tinder isn't just for hookups anymore, plenty of people are using it to find relationships. I highly recommend you try it, if only for the self esteem you will get from matching and talking with girls.
Your photo could use better lighting, and a non-selfie would be better still, but honestly it's fine as it is.
Royal_Phalanx
Member
Going to ask a female friend to hang out sometime to catch up and get the opportunity for some better online dating pictures. Looking at most people's profiles on Tinder, all their pictures have them doing something active, and not just taking lazy gym selfies like I have tried to do. This thread and Mark Manson's Models are invaluable resources for me. Found a girl that I talked to only a little bit in high school on Tinder (she is now a really attractive party girl with loads of Instagram pictures of her with loads of friends in nightclubs, backpacking to other countries, etc. based on her profile), I recognized her because of our Facebook mutual friends, and things like this make me realize that if these are the types of girls I'm trying to date, I've got a LOT of work to do. Same age as me at 23 and the social experience gap is already astronomical.
Let me preface this with saying that I have been a long time follower of this thread, the advice given in here is second to none and I think a lot of the problems are common so it has helped to just be an outsider taking in the words of wisdom as most of the problems can and have applied to me in the past.
Now, I did a stupid thing GAF.
A little over a week ago, I attended a house party for a friend of mine who was leaving for Germany for an extended period of time and I got a little drunk. Anywho, after I got home, I sent an extended and eloquently put message (considering how drunk I was) to this girl that basically stated that I had feelings for her and I would miss her, etc.
She took it surprisingly well and I never actually expected anything of it to be honest. In fact in the actual message I had sent her, I stated that I did not expect a reply and sorry if I had made things awkward between us.
I do not know if it will lead anywhere and it likely will not, the girl is out of my league and out of the country for the foreseeable.
The kicker though? She's my (maybe former?) best friends ex-girlfriend, although this was about sixteen or so months ago that they had broken up, I have since been informed that they have spent numerous nights together since then.
He's currently away and I have not seen or spoken to him since that happened but I did mention after they had broken up early last year that I had an interest in her and he told me "I wouldn't go there".
As aforementioned, I do not know if I could even go for this... can I get opinions? How would you guys handle this?
I do not actually know if I'm in the right thread for this and I'll probably be laughed out of here with this nonsense, but somebody might have some words of wisdom.
Now, I did a stupid thing GAF.
A little over a week ago, I attended a house party for a friend of mine who was leaving for Germany for an extended period of time and I got a little drunk. Anywho, after I got home, I sent an extended and eloquently put message (considering how drunk I was) to this girl that basically stated that I had feelings for her and I would miss her, etc.
She took it surprisingly well and I never actually expected anything of it to be honest. In fact in the actual message I had sent her, I stated that I did not expect a reply and sorry if I had made things awkward between us.
I do not know if it will lead anywhere and it likely will not, the girl is out of my league and out of the country for the foreseeable.
The kicker though? She's my (maybe former?) best friends ex-girlfriend, although this was about sixteen or so months ago that they had broken up, I have since been informed that they have spent numerous nights together since then.
He's currently away and I have not seen or spoken to him since that happened but I did mention after they had broken up early last year that I had an interest in her and he told me "I wouldn't go there".
As aforementioned, I do not know if I could even go for this... can I get opinions? How would you guys handle this?
I do not actually know if I'm in the right thread for this and I'll probably be laughed out of here with this nonsense, but somebody might have some words of wisdom.
The girl's going to another country for the foreseeable future. Ignoring the crap about leagues, that's reason enough to not pursue her. Long distance relationships SUCK. It'd be one thing if you had already gone on a few dates, but you haven't even had an opportunity to explore if there's any chemistry there. Expect nothing to happen with the girl.
If your bro decides to start shit with you over this, just tell him "dude, you know I've had these feelings for awhile now. I knew I'd regret it if I never told her, so I told her when there was no way for either of us to act on it." Whether intentional or not, that's exactly what you did.
Back here with a quick question.
Is there anything wrong with wanting look/date other girls even though I'm interested in one primarily?
Basically, I'm asking if any of you have dated multiple girls at a time, and if any of you find anything wrong with it?
I don't have any problems hitting it off with girls, so that means that I'm going to attract some, and become interested in some.
I was going to ask for this girl's number that was at work in the mall, and she seemed bored. I startled her and we shared a pretty good laugh. She started talking about school, and she started mentioning facts about mine compared to her's. (At her school, they get free textbooks, blah blah.) Another client/customer comes around and I'm just backing off to get my stuff like 'Yeah, well see you later.', but she says "I'll come back to you." We start talking about more and more and she mentions my boss and how she was mean. (I worked at the school for a few months.)
We continued on for another few minutes before I let her go and said "Maybe I'll see you around _____?" and walked away. For a minute, I considered just asking for her number for the hell of it, but I thought about I'd feel wrong considering I have a girl that is interested in me already, and I wouldn't want to be that guy who has multiple girls chasing after him. (It seems like it'd be fun, but it's player-ish to me.)
As of now, I kind of cold shouldered a girl after approaching her in this Starbucks I'm at. I mentioned her backpack and how I considered purchasing it due to how badass it is. I go to sit down at the counter, and she taps me and points to the seat to come sit adjacent to her.
Ha,ha, I'm still right here next to her, but I don't feel like it would be appropriate to approach her as of now since it seems like she's working now.
What do you all think? Yes, or no on talking to other girls when you're scoring off pretty well with one already? I just think it's not cool morally, but obviously my sub-conscious mind thinks different.
Is there anything wrong with wanting look/date other girls even though I'm interested in one primarily?
Basically, I'm asking if any of you have dated multiple girls at a time, and if any of you find anything wrong with it?
I don't have any problems hitting it off with girls, so that means that I'm going to attract some, and become interested in some.
I was going to ask for this girl's number that was at work in the mall, and she seemed bored. I startled her and we shared a pretty good laugh. She started talking about school, and she started mentioning facts about mine compared to her's. (At her school, they get free textbooks, blah blah.) Another client/customer comes around and I'm just backing off to get my stuff like 'Yeah, well see you later.', but she says "I'll come back to you." We start talking about more and more and she mentions my boss and how she was mean. (I worked at the school for a few months.)
We continued on for another few minutes before I let her go and said "Maybe I'll see you around _____?" and walked away. For a minute, I considered just asking for her number for the hell of it, but I thought about I'd feel wrong considering I have a girl that is interested in me already, and I wouldn't want to be that guy who has multiple girls chasing after him. (It seems like it'd be fun, but it's player-ish to me.)
As of now, I kind of cold shouldered a girl after approaching her in this Starbucks I'm at. I mentioned her backpack and how I considered purchasing it due to how badass it is. I go to sit down at the counter, and she taps me and points to the seat to come sit adjacent to her.
Ha,ha, I'm still right here next to her, but I don't feel like it would be appropriate to approach her as of now since it seems like she's working now.
What do you all think? Yes, or no on talking to other girls when you're scoring off pretty well with one already? I just think it's not cool morally, but obviously my sub-conscious mind thinks different.
Well that's a good question and a good answer. You came off as though you might have been projecting a bit. Suppose you know best but good luck my man.
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Yes, it's fine. She's probably doing the same thing. It's fine morally, and you should be doing it unless you're actually in an exclusive relationship.
The natural process goes: (1) going on dates, (2) dating, (3) exclusive dating, (4) relationship. I don't make the rules, but that's how things progress.
ZackieChan
Member
Agreed. Date all you want until you get to a point of exclusivity with one.
Quoting because this is a fantastic book that everyone here should read, and even if you don't actually want to shell out the cash for a dating advice book, check out his website which has a lot of good articles on relationships and other topics.
stn
Member
Just wanted to chime in on something from the previous page. I personally would not get offended if a girl told me "I just want to have sex with you." Its all about context, of course. If its a girl that's just looking for fun and no commitment in general, why be offended? But if a girl says to me "I only have a physical interest in you but don't want to date you," that would come off different. What if the girl in question just has no interesting in dating in general? Again, wouldn't be offended. Besides, better that than the opposite - which isn't flattering under any circumstance.
User 479360
Banned
I haven't spoken to the girl I was seeing in about a week. I don't think things are going anywhere, because there doesn't seem to be a spark.
My loneliness wants me to continue and see if something will work out, but it's not fair to her if I do that.
I still have a crush on the girl I went out for drinks and a movie with in November. She decided that it wouldn't be a good idea for her to start dating or get into a relationship with me, because her depression was bad and she wasn't in a good place. We've kept in touch a bit over Facebook, and she recently messaged me saying she missed talking to me. I guess she didn't see my "Likewise" reply until today, although it said "Seen" before. She messaged me back today, weeks later, and we talked for a while.
She's younger, though, by about 5-6 years. She's just starting college, and I doubt her parents would want her dating a loser with depression/on disability like myself. But we really hit it off and I want to tell her how I feel.
She had said that there was potential there if she got her shit together and I was okay with being patient.
My loneliness wants me to continue and see if something will work out, but it's not fair to her if I do that.
I still have a crush on the girl I went out for drinks and a movie with in November. She decided that it wouldn't be a good idea for her to start dating or get into a relationship with me, because her depression was bad and she wasn't in a good place. We've kept in touch a bit over Facebook, and she recently messaged me saying she missed talking to me. I guess she didn't see my "Likewise" reply until today, although it said "Seen" before. She messaged me back today, weeks later, and we talked for a while.
She's younger, though, by about 5-6 years. She's just starting college, and I doubt her parents would want her dating a loser with depression/on disability like myself. But we really hit it off and I want to tell her how I feel.
She had said that there was potential there if she got her shit together and I was okay with being patient.
Unless the relationship is changing the way she is or harming her, why should her parents care about who you are?
It sounds like you're a good guy, so I don't know why you keep saying demoralizing things about yourself.
Besides some parents that want their son/daughter to marry up in the social latter, what matters to many is if they find someone who is caring and capable of providing for their emotional needs in a time when needed.
Just out of curiosity whilst on the subject, how old are you/her?
User 479360
Banned
Thanks
I have a hard time with self-esteem, and deal with bad depression. I'm the type of person who avoids social situations and tries to blend into the crowd. I devalue myself because I'm not working, have depression and we live in a capitalist society. I don't see parents wanting their daughter to date someone who can't provide a ton of money. People in my family look down on me, and they're family.
I enjoy dating, and I hope to find someone. But I very much fear meeting their friends and especially their family, given how impactful their opinions can be, and how damaging. I've only ever done that once before, and it wasn't fun.
I met a girl on POF back in 2008, I think. She might have messaged me first, and although she wasn't someone I found that attractive via pictures I decided to give it a shot. We went out once, then she had me over another time and we hung out with her parents. They were nice, and were also hockey fans, but what I'll never forget is that they got offended when I said that the game was on a channel they didn't seem to have. They were going to put it on for us to watch.
It was a specialty sports channel you had to pay extra for at the time. I never got their upset over that, as I was very polite about it and didn't make a big deal out of it at all.
I'm in my late twenties, she's about 22-23.
ZackieChan
Member
I don't understand how someone could be offended by that
You really really should not base your world perspective off one anecdote from 8 yrs ago.
Bruce Springsteen
Member
I mean, eventually you not having a job will be an issue but it has to first get to that level first.
User 479360
Banned
Why even bother then? I don't have a job, may not be able to work in the future either, and don't think I want kids. I may as well get castrated. (Joking, of course.)
Me neither
I believe the reason I met her parents so early was because -- as I was in an Advertising program, and was responsible for generating ads for the campus newspaper -- I wanted to meet them to see if they'd buy some ads. They owned a discount clothing store or two.
Note: I'm not basing it off of that. It just came to mind. I'm just afraid of what could happen because of how and who I am. I'm courteous and caring, and would make a good boyfriend I think, but I'm not the everyman/social/provider type.
Me neither
I believe the reason I met her parents so early was because -- as I was in an Advertising program, and was responsible for generating ads for the campus newspaper -- I wanted to meet them to see if they'd buy some ads. They owned a discount clothing store or two.
Note: I'm not basing it off of that. It just came to mind. I'm just afraid of what could happen because of how and who I am. I'm courteous and caring, and would make a good boyfriend I think, but I'm not the everyman/social/provider type.
Bruce Springsteen
Member
I don't know what to tell you, if you want something serious it's just an unavoidable issue, now if you're looking for something casual it won't mean anything. You not wanting kids also won't be an issue until it gets serious
For the most part, I sometimes have a hard time socializing, but that is only when my OCD starts to flare up. For a while, in high school, it was bad, very bad. I think I've just lost a friend. I told him about my OCD, but not about what part of me it effects specifically. (I'm not comfortable mentioning it here in this thread, but it's tough to deal with at times, especially considering I'm not taking medication for it.)
I used to devalue myself for many of the same reasons you have, but I've learned to appreciate myself and found out what I am capable of doing. Mentally, physically, I've been pushed to the limits. Creatively, I can excel, what matters is what your knowing of your capabilities, not what some people think they know based on income, grades or appearance.
If someone thinks you're a great person, money/etc will be a problem that is overlooked. For the mean time, just try not to give a fuck about what others think. A few months ago, I posted in this thread that I was afraid of dating because of competition from other guys and getting comments (Especially since I'm black and not really making a big deal about dating girls outside my racial group.) The girl that I really like is some kind of European mix. If I were to meet her parents, if they don't like me, I would just tell them to nut up and accept it.
I know that this is just text and depression and self esteem problems aren't something that you can't snap out of, but just try to focus on what you can do, and not what you can't do.
For the record, my dad is two years older than my mom. If she's about 5 years younger, that's no big deal, especially being in your twenties.
Keihart
Member
Since you mention that you are very affected by depression i remembered this fact about Seratonin Enhancer Antidepressants " It's well established that these drugs can cause sexual dysfunction, diminished sexual desire, delayed sexual arousal, and muted or absent orgasm. In fact, some reports say that as many as 73% of patients on some of these medications can suffer from 1 or more of these side effects."
"We theorized that these sexual side effects can potentially -- not all the time, but potentially -- have some serious consequences due to the effects that they can have on several evolved, adaptive, unconscious neural mechanisms. These include the ability to attract a mate, to choose a mate, to fall in love, to stay in love, and to sustain a marriage."
Those side effect sound more like an advantage for someone badly depressed and feeling in need of romatinc love.
Maybe you already knew this, but i though i might as well share it.
Ever since I've started working I've realised my interest/pursuits in dating have dropped pretty significantly. Every week I just mostly focus on my work and while I always try to keep myself fit/social it's always with my coworkers and close friends. I wonder if this is a good/bad thing? I'm pleasantly surprised that the pressures of dating don't seem to affect me anymore but considering how I met a lot more people at college and didn't really get anywhere my chances must be pretty slim now that I very rarely meet anyone new.
User 479360
Banned
I had those side effects with the first pills I tried, but haven't in years.
For the last while, I wasn't on anything. Just started something new yesterday.
I don't want to be single because of pills, though, either. Hopefully something will work out. My luck sucks.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think I'm going to just focus on myself and finding my own self before putting myself back out there again.
Thanks for the advice. I actually downloaded tinder over the weekend but saw that I had to sign in on Facebook to proceed. Is that really true? I have Facebook uninstalled and really have no desire to deal with Facebook in order to use tinder. I also don't want people off tinder commenting on my Facebook profile. I'd rather them be 2 separate entities.
On a side note I'm thinking very strongly about selling my house and going the apartment route for a few years. I think I could pocket about 40k selling, as the market for my area has really gone up the last 2 years. There's some really nice apartments located right in the down town area where I live. Tons of people, walking trails and places to meet up all right there.
To further my complications a bit, I took in my mom 5 years ago. Her and my dad seperated and she was such a wreck that I had to take her in. Now it's just me and her in my house and I just don't know what to do. Being 33 and sharing a home with my mom is not fucking ideal. It feels like I would automatically get shut down because I'd be perceived as that I still live with my mom. Plus how in the world would I be able to bring someone home with my damn mom sitting on the couch.
Oh life and all the complications that come with you. <3
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
Your mother living with you does not equal you living with your mother. You'll need to explain it to anyone you intend to bring home, perhaps in a slightly self-effacing way, and 99% of them will understand that you're a good son and thoughtful person. The 1% that might object to your conduct, you'll know to jettison them early on, so it's a win-win. Don't apologize for being a decent human being; own it.
Pasta_Soup
Member
Tinder doesn't post anything to your Facebook - and people on Tinder can't comment on your Facebook profile through the app. Tinder just uses your Facebook account to pull pictures from, show interests, and mutual friends between potential matches.
If you want to upload new pictures for Tinder, but don't want all of your friends commenting on the 15 new pics of yourself you just posted to your Facebook account, just set them all to "private" so only you can see them.
You need to connect to Facebook to use Tinder yes. Its only use however is to get photos (which you can put in a private album in facebook if you don't want those pictures showing up on the site) and to find your friends and likes. Both of the latter are used to see what you have in common with other users, like which mutual friends you have.
User 479360
Banned
I created a half-assed account for Tinder.
Though I may as well delete both.
Though I may as well delete both.
Bruce Springsteen
Member
Royal_Phalanx
Member
I get the feeling no girl post university is going to want to date an unemployed guy who's on welfare and lives with his parents doing basically nothing. I don't think I should even bother trying this year. Resigned to the fact that nothing's gonna happen anytime soon. The few girls I have managed to meet in the past 5 months have really good jobs and rent their own apartment and generally have their life together and they're pretty much the same age as me. Applying for loads of shit right now but the only places that call back for interviews are retail stores (then I get rejected after anyway, because nobody wants to hire someone with basically no self esteem and social anxiety).
SneakersSO
Member
SneakersSO
Member
How far out are you from University? From my general knowledge of women & life, tell me that they'd be more 'agreeable' if you were under 25. These days (particularly if you're in the US) it isn't uncommon to find post-grads still ~ or over 25 living at home while they put a few years into their first major job. Women who go to college tend to be living in similar circumstances.
However, a solid job can be something that gives you a large boost in confidence. Not to mention it keeps your wallet nice & fat, which isn't necessarily something that will attract women in & of itself, but it'll be nice to be able to do things without ever having to worry about money being some sort of barrier.
I took myself off the dating market in a serious way for almost 3-4 years while I got my life together, so to speak. I still had 2 fairly significant relationships during that time, though. I just wasn't going out & dating or looking to meet new girls, nor was I placing myself in a ton of social situations. To be honest, it went better than I thought it would, but most of my shared experience on here since the year started has been from me trying to get back into the dating scene. So keep in mind, whatever skillset you currently have in the dating world will get rusty in the meantime while you work on yourself. The only thing I regret from those 4 years was not being more proactive about maintaining my social/dating skills.
Retail is shitty (5 years in it, and counting) but it can help you conquer that anxiety. It did for me!
Yeah man, I know I should own it. I feel like I got put in a position to try to hold my family together during a rough time and it just slowly drained me trying to juggle everything at once. In the last 5 years I've had to deal with: My dad having an affair after 32 years of marriage, my grandmother passing (she raised me while my parents worked ), my own engagement and having 2 kids back to back, dealing with a blended family (my ex was previously married and already had two kids), and then seperating from her and the death of that relationship.
I'm positive I'll go down that road just as a way to put myself out there. I just feel that huge desire to say fuck Facebook right now. I keep getting emails saying I've got like 98 notifications but I couldn't care less. I'm friends with a lot of my exes family on Facebook and I just don't want to see it right now.
Thanks Bruce! Funny enough I use to have a shaved head from high school until my early 20's. I grew my hair out and didn't know what to do with it so I threw on a hat for like 6 years straight.
Thanks sneakers. I appreciate the vote of confidence. I'm digging the scruff and the hair. It's a complete departure for my usual look and all pretty new to me. Makes me feel grown up lol.
Bruce Springsteen
Member
It seems like your thinning up top and because your hair is long it was the first thing I noticed, you definitely can pull off a good looking buzz
No way bro. My hair will flap in the wind with glorious splendor for years to come >.>
ZackieChan
Member
Fuck you.
Seriously, any girl worth dating won't care that you're letting your mother live with you. I'm sure your mom would have no problem staying out of your way while you smang.
What's your degree in? Any way you can do some freelance work in the meantime while you look for a job? Then you're not unemployed, you don't have to lie about what you do, and you may avoid retail. There's tons of remote freelance work out there on the internet if you can market yourself or successfully bid on upwork jobs.
ZackieChan
Member
His eyes look closed. Is that normal, or just in this pic? We had a gaffer who had a condition where his eyes always looked closed, that's why I ask. If they open, then open em.
Shave or trim the beard. Take a better lit photo.
Shave or trim the beard. Take a better lit photo.
- Status