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[chicko1983]

I wish I knew this last weekend before texting a girl I just got her number a couple days before, but if a girl was legitimately interested she would have texted back regardless.

Man getting back into dating after a long term relationship is rough. I don't lack confidence, although I'm initially shy, but I haven't been getting anywhere lately.

Yes, if a girl is legitimately interested, she will text back.

However, think of it this way: If you are a cute girl, you probably have been asked out or messaged a lot. Getting a text like "how are your classes" is dull and boring and if she is only borderline interested in you, it probably doesn't do yourself favours.

Not every girl you get the number of will be 100% keen on you from the start. You have to remember this. So to get someone who is only sort of interested in you on a date, you need to be direct and ask. As dickheadish it's may sound, put them under pressure to not say no.

In my limited experience, and I am no master of dating, but the success rate of calling and asking someone for a date over the phone is ten times more successful than texting. It's hard to reject someone when you are speaking to them. Yes, when you do get rejected over the phone, it's taken more personally. However, there have only been a few instances where they have said "no, I'm not interested in you" or something so blatant as that.

You might get a response like "I'm pretty busy at the moment, how about I call you when I'm free". Which is cool, don't get hung up about that.

I've had a couple of women who don't say "no" but might try something like "we will go on a date as friends", which means she is not interested but she is happy enough to give it a chance.

 

[Armadilo]

It's good that you're talking to people, but why do they have to be girls and why is your goal to get their number? We're telling you to talk to just people and be comfortable around them. Don't run before you can walk.

Yeah... I talk to people.. but..I know.. day by day

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Yeah... I talk to people.. but..I know.. day by day

Why don't you hang out with friends? Or attend some events? At the end of the day, it's great that you're learning how to have a conversation, and you're putting in effort -- unlike some people -- but you're just mastering how to talk to cashiers or other customer service people who are paid to be friendly.

What is your situation? How old are you? Where do you live? You don't have to be specific, and I'm guessing that you're younger based upon your proclivity for shopping, but if you can drive to malls, you can drive somewhere infinitely more interesting.

 

[Femto.]

Yes, if a girl is legitimately interested, she will text back.

However, think of it this way: If you are a cute girl, you probably have been asked out or messaged a lot. Getting a text like "how are your classes" is dull and boring and if she is only borderline interested in you, it probably doesn't do yourself favours.

Not every girl you get the number of will be 100% keen on you from the start. You have to remember this. So to get someone who is only sort of interested in you on a date, you need to be direct and ask. As dickheadish it's may sound, put them under pressure to not say no.

In my limited experience, and I am no master of dating, but the success rate of calling and asking someone for a date over the phone is ten times more successful than texting. It's hard to reject someone when you are speaking to them. Yes, when you do get rejected over the phone, it's taken more personally. However, there have only been a few instances where they have said "no, I'm not interested in you" or something so blatant as that.

You might get a response like "I'm pretty busy at the moment, how about I call you when I'm free". Which is cool, don't get hung up about that.

I've had a couple of women who don't say "no" but might try something like "we will go on a date as friends", which means she is not interested but she is happy enough to give it a chance.

Sound advice, thanks.

Rejection isn't an issue for me, I've got rejected a couple of times in person since I've started to date again. I prefer to keep things as organic as possible. I'm pretty arrogant about things like OKC or Tinder, I just prefer doing everything in person to be honest.
So I'll just be more direct next time rather than saying "hang out". This one really threw me off because we had such a great convo after I approached her, dispite my shyness, I thought I had this one in the bag lol

It's been either a straight up rejection or the girl gave me shot. This was a learning experience if anything.

 

[chicko1983]

Sound advice, thanks.

Rejection isn't an issue for me, I've got rejected a couple of times in person since I've started to date again. I prefer to keep things as organic as possible. I'm pretty arrogant about things like OKC or Tinder, I just prefer doing everything in person to be honest.
So I'll just be more direct next time rather than saying "hang out". This one really threw me off because we had such a great convo after I approached her, dispite my shyness, I thought I had this one in the bag lol

It's been either a straight up rejection or the girl gave me shot. This was a learning experience if anything.

Unless she really likes you, it's hard and uncomfortable for a women just to "hang out" with a stranger. Mainly because "hang out" can mean so many things for different people - is it watching tv, going for a walk, coming around for with the intention of sex?

Conversely, you don't want to use the word "date" if possible.

in my opinion, if you are a little unsure if she likes you, ask her for a coffee at a cafe. This is the most likely thing a woman will agree to doing as a first date with someone she is only sort of keen on. It's casual, public, requires little effort from her (made up, dressed etc) and she can stay or leave for as long as she wants.

A drink at a bar is the next level of comfort for a woman. Again, it gives her the chance of only being there for as long as she wants but it's a step up from coffee in terms of the effort she has to put in, so only do this if you are sure she would say yes.

If you are sure, like really sure, she likes you, the you can ask her to dinner. This is a hard first date as she is locked in for an hour at least, and she won't want to do this unless she knows she can spend time with you without any awkwardness.

Some people say doing something like put put, bowling or an activity is good as a date. Personally, I would only do this after the first date, when I know I like her and she likes me.

And never ask for a movie on the first date. I learnt that here, and it's good advice.

 

[bluethree]

Conversely, you don't want to use the word "date" if possible.
.

strongly disagree with this, you should always make your intentions clear from the start, and a date doesnt have to be a big deal

 

[ZackieChan]

Meeting a lady tonight for drinks who works as a cancer researcher. Can she resist the international man of mystery that is me? I'll report back later.

Also, this is a woman that I actually met IRL and started talking to. Not my usual MO, but it worked well.

 

[Etrian Oddity]

Had a terrific date with a girl earlier this week, what a twist. She's an intern from SE Asia, so she's way more modest and a different breed from the usual girls here...which I like. I can see she'll be a tough nut to crack as she has way more conservative values when it comes to dating (by her own admission).

Feelsgoodman though. Looking into a fun second date for the weekend. She definitely liked me though, she texted me not even five minutes after we departed after the first date.

 

[User 479360]

I'm just going to relax and try not to worry about it. She will likely contact me.

I have messaged other women recently with mixed luck. One good conversation petered out. I'll maybe have to try sending more.

For those who asked: I sent her two texts the day after, one asking how her class was and another in reply to her answer. I think I said "Oh, nice."

Then I sent the PoF message ("When can I see you again?") today.

 

[ant_]

I'm just going to relax and try not to worry about it. She will likely contact me.

I have messaged other women recently with mixed luck. One good conversation petered out. I'll maybe have to try sending more.

For those who asked: I sent her two texts the day after, one asking how her class was and another in reply to her answer. I think I said "Oh, nice."

Then I sent the PoF message ("When can I see you again?") today.

It's clear to me why she is not responding to you.

First, the text 'oh, nice' is not conversational at all. If a girl says that to me I don't respond. Period. To me it shows a lack of interest.

Second, the message 'When can I see you again?' is completely open ended. Be assertive. Say, 'Hey, I want to see you again. How about this weekend?'

The same logic applies to everything. I work as a graphic designer for a large company. I don't go up to my boss and say, "hey, what do you wanna see? ' Instead, I give my boss two options and have them choose.

People would much rather make a choice than take the initiative upon themselves.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I'm just going to relax and try not to worry about it. She will likely contact me.

I have messaged other women recently with mixed luck. One good conversation petered out. I'll maybe have to try sending more.

For those who asked: I sent her two texts the day after, one asking how her class was and another in reply to her answer. I think I said "Oh, nice."

Then I sent the PoF message ("When can I see you again?") today.

Yeah, as others have said if you've got her number and are communicating that was why would you switch ways of contact? Also if you were so worried about raking her then don't text her at 4am or whatever. Just text like a normal person, you seen to be overanalyzing it way too much which leads to weird stuff.

 

[chicko1983]

strongly disagree with this, you should always make your intentions clear from the start, and a date doesnt have to be a big deal

You can show someone your intention without using the word "date". Tell her you like her, laugh at her jokes, make eye contact, make physical contact (the way you touch her arm when you kiss-hello her or hand on lower back when walking through a bar are great moves in my experience).

A date is not a big deal, I agree. Sure, I have asked women if they would "like to go on a date with me". However, if she is only borderline interested in you, using that word makes it less likely she will say yes.

If you ask a girl out for a coffee, she knows what it is. It will be you two plus a cup of coffee. There is nothing else to do except talk, giving you plenty of time to show your intentions.

Hell, if you want to be bold, call it a date when you are at the cafe. However if you want to improve your chances of getting her to the cafe, don't call it a date before then. That's my opinion.

Meeting a lady tonight for drinks who works as a cancer researcher. Can she resist the international man of mystery that is me? I'll report back later.

Also, this is a woman that I actually met IRL and started talking to. Not my usual MO, but it worked well.

Awesome mate. Good luck and report back. Godspeed.

Had a terrific date with a girl earlier this week, what a twist. She's an intern from SE Asia, so she's way more modest and a different breed from the usual girls here...which I like. I can see she'll be a tough nut to crack as she has way more conservative values when it comes to dating (by her own admission).

Feelsgoodman though. Looking into a fun second date for the weekend. She definitely liked me though, she texted me not even five minutes after we departed after the first date.

Great news.

My only piece of advice for you is to not rely on text messages only before you next see her.

Good luck.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

You can show someone your intention without using the word "date". Tell her you like her, laugh at her jokes, make eye contact, make physical contact (the way you touch her arm when you kiss-hello her or hand on lower back when walking through a bar are great moves in my experience).

A date is not a big deal, I agree. Sure, I have asked women if they would "like to go on a date with me". However, if she is only borderline interested in you, using that word makes it less likely she will say yes.

If you ask a girl out for a coffee, she knows what it is. It will be you two plus a cup of coffee. There is nothing else to do except talk, giving you plenty of time to show your intentions.

Hell, if you want to be bold, call it a date when you are at the cafe. However if you want to improve your chances of getting her to the cafe, don't call it a date before then. That's my opinion.



Awesome mate. Good luck and report back. Godspeed.



Great news.

My only piece of advice for you is to not rely on text messages only before you next see her.

Good luck.

Sorry but that is absolutely terrible advice. You absolutely want to frame it as a date if you want a date. Beating around the bush accomplishes nothing and just results in people being upset when nothings progressing because that person just considered you a friend. If she wants to date you she will, no lack of using the word date is going to change that. Be assertive and ask for what you want.

 

[ant_]

You can show someone your intention without using the word "date". Tell her you like her, laugh at her jokes, make eye contact, make physical contact (the way you touch her arm when you kiss-hello her or hand on lower back when walking through a bar are great moves in my experience).

A date is not a big deal, I agree. Sure, I have asked women if they would "like to go on a date with me". However, if she is only borderline interested in you, using that word makes it less likely she will say yes.

If you ask a girl out for a coffee, she knows what it is. It will be you two plus a cup of coffee. There is nothing else to do except talk, giving you plenty of time to show your intentions.

Hell, if you want to be bold, call it a date when you are at the cafe. However if you want to improve your chances of getting her to the cafe, don't call it a date before then. That's my opinion.

People like people who know what they want. If you are interested in someone and want to go on a date on them, ask them on a date.

They don't wanna go on a date with you? Then move on.

A huge problem that a lot of people in this thread run into is not making their intentions clear. The first step to making your intentions clear is calling it a date.

 

[sti4thewin]

We need a relation ship OT- gaf and a sex OT- gaf

 

[chicko1983]

Sorry but that is absolutely terrible advice. You absolutely want to frame it as a date if you want a date. Beating around the bush accomplishes nothing and just results in people being upset when nothings progressing because that person just considered you a friend. If she wants to date you she will, no lack of using the word date is going to change that. Be assertive and ask for what you want.

People like people who know what they want. If you are interested in someone and want to go on a date on them, ask them on a date.

They don't wanna go on a date with you? Then move on.

A huge problem that a lot of people in this thread run into is not making their intentions clear. The first step to making your intentions clear is calling it a date.

I've never once said, don't be assertive. I've never once said don't show your intentions clearly. Quite the opposite actually.

Not only do people in here have a problem of sending mixed messages, but a another major problem is that they put all their eggs into one basket.

Asking a women "do you want to get a coffee/drink together?" Is far more successful than asking "do you want to go out on a date with me?", in my experience. It may be a cultural thing (Americans being more direct than Australians).

In the worst case I'm out spending time with someone at a cafe chatting about shit rather than sitting at home wondering why she didn't go on a dat with me. In the best case, you change her opinion of you and set yourself up to spend more time with her.

 

[ZackieChan]

Had a terrific date with a girl earlier this week, what a twist. She's an intern from SE Asia, so she's way more modest and a different breed from the usual girls here...which I like. I can see she'll be a tough nut to crack as she has way more conservative values when it comes to dating (by her own admission).

Feelsgoodman though. Looking into a fun second date for the weekend. She definitely liked me though, she texted me not even five minutes after we departed after the first date.

Where is she from, specifically?

I'm just going to relax and try not to worry about it. She will likely contact me.

I have messaged other women recently with mixed luck. One good conversation petered out. I'll maybe have to try sending more.

For those who asked: I sent her two texts the day after, one asking how her class was and another in reply to her answer. I think I said "Oh, nice."

Then I sent the PoF message ("When can I see you again?") today.

You should go back and read the saga of Jason's Ultimatum to get some perspective on where this behavior can lead.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I've never once said, don't be assertive. I've never once said don't show your intentions clearly. Quite the opposite actually.

Not only do people in here have a problem of sending mixed messages, but a another major problem is that they put all their eggs into one basket.

Asking a women "do you want to get a coffee/drink together?" Is far more successful than asking "do you want to go out on a date with me?", in my experience. It may be a cultural thing (Americans being more direct than Australians).

In the worst case I'm out spending time with someone at a cafe chatting about shit rather than sitting at home wondering why she didn't go on a dat with me. In the best case, you change her opinion of you and set yourself up to spend more time with her.

The worse case isn't you talk to someone, worse case I'd you develop a relationship on your head because the two of you hang out even though there is no actual relationship which a lot of people in this thread have done. If a girl likes you she's not going to be scared away by you wanting to date her. Trying to not frame it as a date is not being assertive and got many leads to heartbreak.

 

[chicko1983]

The worse case isn't you talk to someone, worse case I'd you develop a relationship on your head because the two of you hang out even though there is no actual relationship which a lot of people in this thread have done. If a girl likes you she's not going to be scared away by you wanting to date her. Trying to not frame it as a date is not being assertive and got many leads to heartbreak.

I'm not saying dont frame the actual event as a date - do everything as you would on a date and she'll get the idea. I'm saying, don't use the word "date" when you ask her out. All other intentions are the same.

You can even say "do you want to go out with me?" if you want. But don't say "do you want to go out on a date with me?". The former will be more successful.

Women are people too. They don't always know what they want, just like you and me. Some women will happily go out for a drink to test the waters rather than on a specific date. Also, the word "date" scares women and men equally I've found.

Say you go out with a mildly interested girl after asking her out for a drink. There is a chance that she becomes more interested in you while having drinks than you otherwise would not have got if you had asked her out for a date and she said no because she wasn't that into you.

It appears people in this thread have a problem with reading how much someone likes them. I'm not offering advice on how to improve that skill, only offering advice to improve a guys success rate of going on a date with a women.

 

[bluethree]

I'm not saying dont frame the actual event as a date - do everything as you would on a date and she'll get the idea. I'm saying, don't use the word "date" when you ask her out. All other intentions are the same.

You can even say "do you want to go out with me?" if you want. But don't say "do you want to go out on a date with me?". The former will be more successful.

Women are people too. They don't always know what they want, just like you and me. Some women will happily go out for a drink to test the waters rather than on a specific date. Also, the word "date" scares women and men equally I've found.

Say you go out with a mildly interested girl after asking her out for a drink. There is a chance that she becomes more interested in you while having drinks than you otherwise would not have got if you had asked her out for a date and she said no because she wasn't that into you.

It appears people in this thread have a problem with reading how much someone likes them. I'm not offering advice on how to improve that skill, only offering advice to improve a guys success rate of going on a date with a women.

I know you don't really mean it like that, but this sounds a lot like "I can be her friend and she'll see how awesome I am and then I'll have a chance!"

Women tend to take more time to really make up their mind about a guy than vice versa, but they generally know very, very early on whether or not they'll give you a chance or not. And if a woman is scared by the word "date" she's not someone I would want to be with...

That said, it *is* mostly semantics as long as you are being clear about your intentions. I think there is a small backlash to what you're saying because this thread is full of guys who aren't clear about what they want and take forever to even say "hi" to a girl.

 

[vern]

Just got back from my "date" with the infamous leeness. She's nowhere near as awful as she claims here, in fact she's actually pretty cool! She showed me a little bit around Vancouver's downtown, including a sweet steam powered clock. She also tried to push all kinds of maple based products on me but I don't want to appropriate Canadian culture so I refused. Would totally hang out with her if I lived around here (and if she also wanted too, she probably hates me &#128517.

Edit: @chicko I'm an American that has lived in Australia and spent extensive amounts of time there... And maybe it is because I'm American that I've been direct but I've asked plenty of Australia girls on dates and made it clear beforehand. I never noticed guys there beating around the bush with regards to asking girls out, but maybe I just didn't pay attention. Of course I've been rejected at times but more often than not asking directly for a date has worked for me in oz just as well as any other place on earth.

 

[Etrian Oddity]

My only piece of advice for you is to not rely on text messages only before you next see her.

Good luck.

Spoiler

She works in another department at our (large) place of employment, so that's not an issue.

The Philippines, ZackieChan. Her personality more than anything is indicative as I know a bunch of other folks from there. She's just really quiet and shy by everyone else's observation.

 

[Femto.]

Unless she really likes you, it's hard and uncomfortable for a women just to "hang out" with a stranger. Mainly because "hang out" can mean so many things for different people - is it watching tv, going for a walk, coming around for with the intention of sex?

Conversely, you don't want to use the word "date" if possible.

in my opinion, if you are a little unsure if she likes you, ask her for a coffee at a cafe. This is the most likely thing a woman will agree to doing as a first date with someone she is only sort of keen on. It's casual, public, requires little effort from her (made up, dressed etc) and she can stay or leave for as long as she wants.

A drink at a bar is the next level of comfort for a woman. Again, it gives her the chance of only being there for as long as she wants but it's a step up from coffee in terms of the effort she has to put in, so only do this if you are sure she would say yes.

If you are sure, like really sure, she likes you, the you can ask her to dinner. This is a hard first date as she is locked in for an hour at least, and she won't want to do this unless she knows she can spend time with you without any awkwardness.

Some people say doing something like put put, bowling or an activity is good as a date. Personally, I would only do this after the first date, when I know I like her and she likes me.

And never ask for a movie on the first date. I learnt that here, and it's good advice.

Thanks for the advice and insight dude. I never thought it was that vastly different from a girl's perspective.

Funny thing is, first girl I dated after my long term relationship started with coffee to dinner and after a couple of more dates, a hockey game.

 

[chicko1983]

I know you don't really mean it like that, but this sounds a lot like "I can be her friend and she'll see how awesome I am and then I'll have a chance!"

Women tend to take more time to really make up their mind about a guy than vice versa, but they generally know very, very early on whether or not they'll give you a chance or not. And if a woman is scared by the word "date" she's not someone I would want to be with...

That said, it *is* mostly semantics as long as you are being clear about your intentions. I think there is a small backlash to what you're saying because this thread is full of guys who aren't clear about what they want and take forever to even say "hi" to a girl.

yeah I don't mean that you can continually go out for coffee with her and she'll eventually come around. Dont get friendzoned.

When you are out with her, after you have asked her out, give it a crack mate!

The bold is what I am kind of getting at. Men probably place more emphasis on looks than women do, hence women can take more time and are more likely to change their first opinion of a guy than a dude would of a girl.

And when I say scared of the word, I dont mean scared scared, but the word may put someone who is on the fence about seeing you one on one, want to respond as a no rather than yes.

Just got back from my "date" with the infamous leeness. She's nowhere near as awful as she claims here, in fact she's actually pretty cool! She showed me a little bit around Vancouver's downtown, including a sweet steam powered clock. She also tried to push all kinds of maple based products on me but I don't want to appropriate Canadian culture so I refused. Would totally hang out with her if I lived around here (and if she also wanted too, she probably hates me &#128517.

Edit: @chicko I'm an American that has lived in Australia and spent extensive amounts of time there... And maybe it is because I'm American that I've been direct but I've asked plenty of Australia girls on dates and made it clear beforehand. I never noticed guys there beating around the bush with regards to asking girls out, but maybe I just didn't pay attention. Of course I've been rejected at times but more often than not asking directly for a date has worked for me in oz just as well as any other place on earth.

Yeah, it wouldn't sound weird for someone to ask for a date in Australia, especially an American, as we see in on tv often. I have done it too (like last weekend, but she was different, and we were specifically talking about dating at the time I asked her. It felt weird).

However, have you ever asked your Aussie mates their specific words they use to ask a girl out? Id has it a guess, the majority of them don't use the word "date". It would be more like "Do you want to catch up sometime" or "do you want to go out sometime".

You can be direct, assertive, make your intentions clear and still not use the word "date". That is what I try to do and it has worked better than when I was younger and specifically said "do you want to go on a date with me" because I saw it work on tv shows which came from the USA.

Thanks for the advice and insight dude. I never thought it was that vastly different from a girl's perspective.

Funny thing is, first girl I dated after my long term relationship started with coffee to dinner and after a couple of more dates, a hockey game.

Yeah I like that sort of dating progression. Take some time at the front end of the relationship to have some good conversations with her. Then you can go a little adventurous once you know the things she likes, and your intentions have been made clear.

I'm not saying I know exactly how women think, but I grew up with four sisters so have seen, heard and talked to them about their side of dating. That is where I formed the basis of my dating "theories" - as well as a lot of trial and error!

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

We need a relation ship OT- gaf and a sex OT- gaf

Well, more like we need a "How do I get a date-GAF" and "I'm in a (new) relationship with someone, how do I deal with this now-GAF."

I've been talking to someone since before Christmas and dating her since mid-January. The questions I have are slightly different now, although I'm still baffled sometimes just the same. I actually cross-posted them in the (much less frequented) Online Dating OT, but yeah -- having a Been-Dating-Age |OT| wouldn't be bad.

 

[n64coder]

Just got back from my "date" with the infamous leeness. She's nowhere near as awful as she claims here, in fact she's actually pretty cool! She showed me a little bit around Vancouver's downtown, including a sweet steam powered clock. She also tried to push all kinds of maple based products on me but I don't want to appropriate Canadian culture so I refused. Would totally hang out with her if I lived around here (and if she also wanted too, she probably hates me &#128517.

That's awesome to hear.

 

[Salamando]

Re: using the word date...

More than a few occasions I was less-than-direct when asking girls out. Used phrases like "We should go out" and such. Turns out they thought we were meeting "as friends" and not for any type of romance. I'd rather be as clear as possible to avoid wasting my time with them, even if it means alienating a girl who isn't all that into me.

Just got back from my "date" with the infamous leeness. She's nowhere near as awful as she claims here, in fact she's actually pretty cool! She showed me a little bit around Vancouver's downtown, including a sweet steam powered clock. She also tried to push all kinds of maple based products on me but I don't want to appropriate Canadian culture so I refused. Would totally hang out with her if I lived around here (and if she also wanted too, she probably hates me &#128517.

So the worst part about Leeness is she's come kind of Canadian drug dealer? Not a snake woman? No three heads?

 

[bluethree]

Re: using the word date...

More than a few occasions I was less-than-direct when asking girls out. Used phrases like "We should go out" and such. Turns out they thought we were meeting "as friends" and not for any type of romance. I'd rather be as clear as possible to avoid wasting my time with them, even if it means alienating a girl who isn't all that into me.

Yes, so much this. I have even run into this confusion when using dating sites of all things (since a lot of girls here use Tinder to practice english/make foreign friends), so I'm always 100% clear on what I want.

 

[Kurtofan]

btw i decided to cut ties with my ex, she said something that hurt me and it's clear the person I came to love is not the person I was talking to, instead I was talking to some dude's girlfriend.
I don't want some dude's girlfriend's friendship.

 

[electricshake]

Re: using the word date...

More than a few occasions I was less-than-direct when asking girls out. Used phrases like "We should go out" and such. Turns out they thought we were meeting "as friends" and not for any type of romance. I'd rather be as clear as possible to avoid wasting my time with them, even if it means alienating a girl who isn't all that into me.



So the worst part about Leeness is she's come kind of Canadian drug dealer? Not a snake woman? No three heads?

Phrase it as 'I'd like to take you out (for coffee/drinks/dinner)' and they will most likely know it's a date.

 

[ZackieChan]

btw i decided to cut ties with my ex, she said something that hurt me and it's clear the person I came to love is not the person I was talking to, instead I was talking to some dude's girlfriend.
I don't want some dude's girlfriend's friendship.

Didn't we tell you to do that weeks ago? Think of the heartache it could have saved.

My date went well. Lots of talking over drinks. She asked me a million questions about my lifestyle - I got tired of talking about myself! Just some kisses on the cheek and a hug goodbye. I call this a success. Meeting up again soon.

 

[Salamando]

Phrase it as 'I'd like to take you out (for coffee/drinks/dinner)' and they will most likely know it's a date.

I typically just say "I'd like to take you out on a date, see what sparks between us", following with suggestions on places/times. Eliminates any "most likely". If the girl doesn't like that I'm being direct and asking her for what I'm looking for, her loss.

 

[ZackieChan]

I typically just say "I'd like to take you out on a date, see what sparks between us", following with suggestions on places/times. Eliminates any "most likely". If the girl doesn't like that I'm being direct and asking her for what I'm looking for, her loss.

Yeah, I don't see how hiding it behind different words is a better option. Direct is nearly always better.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

I've never once said, don't be assertive. I've never once said don't show your intentions clearly. Quite the opposite actually.

Not only do people in here have a problem of sending mixed messages, but a another major problem is that they put all their eggs into one basket.

Asking a women "do you want to get a coffee/drink together?" Is far more successful than asking "do you want to go out on a date with me?", in my experience. It may be a cultural thing (Americans being more direct than Australians).

In the worst case I'm out spending time with someone at a cafe chatting about shit rather than sitting at home wondering why she didn't go on a dat with me. In the best case, you change her opinion of you and set yourself up to spend more time with her.

That's not true at all from my experience. Calling it a date from the beginning and then saying let's grab a drink/lunch/dinner works much, much better than the method you're prescribing.

 

[ZackieChan]

Step your game up, Australia. I'll send RooshV over to help y'all out.

 

[User 479360]

It's clear to me why she is not responding to you.

First, the text 'oh, nice' is not conversational at all. If a girl says that to me I don't respond. Period. To me it shows a lack of interest.

Second, the message 'When can I see you again?' is completely open ended. Be assertive. Say, 'Hey, I want to see you again. How about this weekend?'

The same logic applies to everything. I work as a graphic designer for a large company. I don't go up to my boss and say, "hey, what do you wanna see? ' Instead, I give my boss two options and have them choose.

People would much rather make a choice than take the initiative upon themselves.

Yeah, as others have said if you've got her number and are communicating that was why would you switch ways of contact? Also if you were so worried about raking her then don't text her at 4am or whatever. Just text like a normal person, you seen to be overanalyzing it way too much which leads to weird stuff.

It was early in the morning, and I didn't want to text her and wake her up. Not crazy early (8 or 9), but the weather was shit so I figured maybe she had the day off and wanted to sleep in.

I was also going to recommend to her that she take the program she's studying in/what college out of her PoF profile. But I decided against it.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

It was early in the morning, and I didn't want to text her and wake her up. Not crazy early (8 or 9), but the weather was shit so I figured maybe she had the day off and wanted to sleep in.

I was also going to recommend to her that she take the program she's studying in/what college out of her PoF profile. But I decided against it.

9am isn't that early... Again stop overthinking things and treat it like you would anyone else. Would you email instead of texting a friend at that time of day? Probably not. Just so making assumptions and treat her normally, like it's not normal that she took the day of unless it was an insane snow storm or something.

Also, why would you tell her to remove what she's studying? That's just weird and I don't understand why you would even tell her something like that.

 

[Jokab]

In general just don't talk about the dating website/platform you met someone on, at least not early on. Later you can perhaps talk about bad dates or something, but recommending her how to spruce up her profile? Come on, Chewie.

 

[User 479360]

9am isn't that early... Again stop overthinking things and treat it like you would anyone else. Would you email instead of texting a friend at that time of day? Probably not. Just so making assumptions and treat her normally, like it's not normal that she took the day of unless it was an insane snow storm or something.

Also, why would you tell her to remove what she's studying? That's just weird and I don't understand why you would even tell her something like that.

In general just don't talk about the dating website/platform you met someone on, at least not early on. Later you can perhaps talk about bad dates or something, but recommending her how to spruce up her profile? Come on, Chewie.

I was just going to recommend taking that off, because you never know what type of people will read your profile. She's already got guys asking her for sex. Saying exactly where she studies and what she studies could give a creep the wrong idea.

Of course, most people on dating sites are normal, but you just never know.

 

[Ultima_5]

Telling her to take that stuff off to avoid creepy guys is prettttyyyyy creepy dude. Just relax

 

[LaunchpadMcQ]

I have a legitimate sex problem, but I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask or if this level of detail is allowed. It's not terribly graphic or anything, but it's a little more detailed than what I've seen talked about in the last few pages. Mostly I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask.

EDIT: it has to do with my current relationship, fwiw

 

[Jokab]

I have a legitimate sex problem, but I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask or if this level of detail is allowed. It's not terribly graphic or anything, but it's a little more detailed than what I've seen talked about in the last few pages. Mostly I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask.

EDIT: it has to do with my current relationship, fwiw

Go for it

 

[ZackieChan]

I was just going to recommend taking that off, because you never know what type of people will read your profile. She's already got guys asking her for sex. Saying exactly where she studies and what she studies could give a creep the wrong idea.

Of course, most people on dating sites are normal, but you just never know.

You're falling into the same "defend/deflect rather than absorb" cycle that Jason's Ultimatum fell into in this thread. We're not attacking you - you don't have to constantly defend your actions or fight us. But at least internalize the advice and try to understand what we're trying to tell you.

 

[LaunchpadMcQ]

Go for it

Ok. Hoping this isn't too crazy.

Basically, I've been dating this girl for close to 6 months. I have no real complaints about the relationship, and we get along stellar. I'm not the most experienced dude, but I've been around the block; this is her first relationship and she's still a virgin.

Well, about a month in, she was ready to have sex. I was ready, too, but we hit a pretty big snag. Her opening is very, very tight. She's never used tampons, just pads, so that's part of the deal I think. The times I've tried getting my stuff in her, even very slowly with lots of lubrication, it was too painful for her and we had to stop.

Spoiler

inb4stealthbragging

Anyway, I've taken a few different approaches to this, but since we both have packed schedules (and also because we want to the first time to be "right"), it's been difficult to perform my due diligence and try as often as I'd like. I do enough foreplay to get the downstairs lubricated enough; I do so every time. When I've tried putting a finger in, she says it feels absolutely awful and completely turns her off. The best it has been is when she had been drinking a bit and the pain was reduced somewhat.

The whole thing hasn't been a huge issue because we've been doing oral, but it's still a bit frustrating because I know that vaginal sex is more pleasurable for her. Getting her to open up sexually has been a bit of an uphill battle, but she went from being completely nonsexual to being decently open; still, I feel personally like she would be more into sex than she is if she was able to experience this. She tells me she doesn't have any reservations about sex, but I'm not entirely sure if she's keeping some that are making her tighten her muscles down there without her realizing. We've talked about it and she says that she wants it to happen.

For right now, our current plan was to choose a night, prepare for it, having her drink a bit, and just slowly trying to get her aroused enough to try this again. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced anything quite like this, but any advice would be appreciated.

 

[User 479360]

You're falling into the same "defend/deflect rather than absorb" cycle that Jason's Ultimatum fell into in this thread. We're not attacking you - you don't have to constantly defend your actions or fight us. But at least internalize the advice and try to understand what we're trying to tell you.

You're right. My apologies.

I'm just used to defending myself to people, because of my mental illness. I kind of realized I was doing it before, but didn't stop.

I've actually taken all of the recent advice to heart -- as well as past advice -- and have been acting upon it.

 

[ZackieChan]

Great!

 

[User 479360]

Yeah. I'm just living life, and waiting to hear from her as opposed to sending any other messages.

 

[Salamando]

For right now, our current plan was to choose a night, prepare for it, having her drink a bit, and just slowly trying to get her aroused enough to try this again. I'm not sure if anyone has experienced anything quite like this, but any advice would be appreciated.

That all seems like something she should talk to her doctor/obgyn about. Even just one finger hurts? That's not right, and using alcohol to numb her a bit is just a stopgap measure.

Have you tried applying lube? Maybe she isn't capable of producing enough lubrication on her own.

 

[Whide]

How do I sort my life and get a GF?

I'm 20 and never had a gf, I'm socially awkward and am pretty much only interested in Asian girls. And I live in Finland where there really doesn't live a lot of Asian girls. So I have tried online dating, and I have chatted with a couple of girls from China. But don't really know how to proceed from there.

 

[Miles Quaritch]

How do I sort my life and get a GF?

I'm 20 and never had a gf, I'm socially awkward and am pretty much only interested in Asian girls. And I live in Finland where there really doesn't live a lot of Asian girls. So I have tried online dating, and I have chatted with a couple of girls from China. But don't really know how to proceed from there.

Skype?

And while it's fine to have a preference, you should really try to get out of your comfort zone a little and try to engage with the people around you.