I would say, let's do coffee this weekend. And if she agrees, say it's a date! Sounds corny, but it gets your intentions across
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I would say, let's do coffee this weekend. And if she agrees, say it's a date! Sounds corny, but it gets your intentions across
Miles Quaritch
Member
Don't reply. Leave the ball in her court. If she really wants to meet, she'll suggest a day. If she doesn't, she probably won't message again or try to play it off and go back to just talking about her day...
Kiever Sher
Member
Argh I already said ''great get in touch'' Same end though, right? I won't hit her up again and I'll leave it up to her.
Miles Quaritch
Member
It is and yeah, don't message her again.
Kiever Sher
Member
Feel it's probably over.
And that makes it sound like we were together for ages. or had, like, met. And yeah I won't go back, she seemed so interested all along too. And even right there. it's a mystery. I wish a few months ago I could've been running my messages past people.
It's fine. Just don't text again. If she is interested she will hit you up.
If she does reply later just ask "when are you available to go out?" Don't say anything after this. If she starts making excuses remove the offer. Say something like "you sound like you're not sure about your schedule. Let me know when you're free" again silence after this.
This shows her that your time is valuable. Plus, it weeds out the flakes right away. When you ask "let's do dinner Saturday" then it gives her an opportunity to have an excuse ready or she will agree. Then stand you up to text and hour before with an excuse.
AlephAlpha
Member
To me it sounds like she was very well aware that you have intentions to date her and that's why she directly mentioned that she wants a friendship. There is no need to emphasise again that you want a date unless you are really not interested to have her as a friend.
Kiever Sher
Member
Got it, cheers for the advice. It's for sure time to stop the pleasant chatting and start the awkward meeting with her at this stage.
User 479360
Banned
I just replied and said that sounds good, yada yada yada.
That's what I'm worried about.
My female friend told me not to worry about it, and that it'd be better to ask her out after hanging out a few times.
That's what I'm worried about.
My female friend told me not to worry about it, and that it'd be better to ask her out after hanging out a few times.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Chewie:
You found a girl you're interested in.
You contacted her expressing interest.
She responded positively.
This is a victory. You didn't lose your nerve. You didn't just pine for her from a distance. You saw an opportunity and took it. You took initiative and messaged a girl you feel you connected with.
Think about the stories of guys who think their barista/waitress is into them. How many of them actually take the next step and make an effort to contact them outside of work? How many of them actually get a positive response?
Yes, she explicitly said "friendship". But you're still relative strangers so she's likely being cautious.
Go for that coffee and see what happens.
You found a girl you're interested in.
You contacted her expressing interest.
She responded positively.
This is a victory. You didn't lose your nerve. You didn't just pine for her from a distance. You saw an opportunity and took it. You took initiative and messaged a girl you feel you connected with.
Think about the stories of guys who think their barista/waitress is into them. How many of them actually take the next step and make an effort to contact them outside of work? How many of them actually get a positive response?
Yes, she explicitly said "friendship". But you're still relative strangers so she's likely being cautious.
Go for that coffee and see what happens.
electricshake
Member
Sounds pretty concrete to me - she just wants to be friends. Next time don't be so wishy-washy, it isn't attractive. Um, perhaps, maybe... have some confidence! Sometimes I think you purposely do the opposite of what we suggest.
User 479360
Banned
Thanks. That's what I'm trying to focus on. I appreciate you posting that.
I agreed to go for coffee (in a nicely worded way) and am waiting to hear back. I hope I won't be too awkward, though.
Sometimes I worry that it seems like that and pisses people off, because I know you guys have good intentions and it's not exactly my plan.
I get really nervous when I write messages, and worry that my true personality won't show. It's hard for me to just send something really short and to the point, because I have a bad habit of explaining things. I shortened my message significantly, but I know it still wasn't great.
I get cold feet, feel I need to say more and that's the result. It's kind of hard to explain.
SpiritSlayer
Member
So I'm reading Models and it says being genuine with your emotions and interactions with people comes off as being edgey which is attractive. Am I understanding that correctly?
That really is an oversimplification of things, but yes, emotional vulnerability and being open with your opinions and feelings is something the book stresses as important.
Yes, its weird but also its true. Good book.
SpiritSlayer
Member
So is being genuine with emotions and interactions the same as having no filter when you talk to people?
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
You're making too much of it. What is saying is don't be afraid to voice your opinion or say you disagree with something. If you have values it shows conviction instead of just being a yes ma'am to everyone you talk to. However, it doesn't give you license to be an asshole, no matter how wrong you think they are. So no I don't like saying to filter because then people think they can talk down to people over their opinions.
I've given up on this whole dating stuff. No matter how much I try to reinvent myself I never seem to find someone that is interested in chatting with me on several dating sites.
If someone does chat it's often with 1-2 word replies and they never ask questions or I'm the one that needs to keep the conversation going. And I'm not comfortable going out at bars and talking to strangers either since I'm a introvert and a bit socially awkward
I think I'm going to die sad and alone.
I'll probably need to embrace that, I should stop training and get fat again ;_;
If someone does chat it's often with 1-2 word replies and they never ask questions or I'm the one that needs to keep the conversation going. And I'm not comfortable going out at bars and talking to strangers either since I'm a introvert and a bit socially awkward
I think I'm going to die sad and alone.
I'll probably need to embrace that, I should stop training and get fat again ;_;
startyourengine
Member
you shouldn't stop training, you do it for yourself, not other people. other things will come, and when they come you will be ready.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
You should be doing that stuff for you... What are you doing by reinventing? If it's doing shit you don't want to do then that's probably why it's not working...
Also, friends are starting to introduce me to their cute friends. All according to keikaku....
PhantomZone
Member
The slightly amusing (put potentially worrying/sad) thing is I do have those same kind of Disney movie dreams for myself "one day" - granted I am much more realistic and don't expect a soul mate to be found on date number one.
I have a unique view of the world being slightly socially awkward but have many positive uplifting quirks.
My friends said the same thing how I dodged a bullet. I guess I was taken by surprise at her 'rejection', considering how well we got along. Heck I would have felt like I had "won" if we developed a friendship.
I have had relationships where we clicked and a certain chemistry was instant. I have also had relationships that started slow, chemistry was "iffy" at the start but it developed and grew to something truly amazing.
Correct!!
I am also the type of person that gets tangled up in girls with drama situations (in a way of helping guide them out of it the best I can). So it can lead to interesting situations for myself lol.
R-U-N! That's all I can say. Play it out if need be, but if it doesn't pan out the way you want it to, do not let it defeat you.
I was in a situation where I was the other guy that came in to the girl's life. One of those "beautiful mess" "complicated and messy" girls, I felt I could see who she was despite the drama in her life.
The person she was with was in a complicated situation of his own, dealing with ex partners so she was not comfortable in that relationship. I treated her with respect and she was able to be herself with me. In line with the "Disney" talk I posted above, we both had identical hopes and dreams in the future. While the dreams she had, would never happen with the person she was with.
I kept hoping the situation would solve itself, she'd end it with the other person and continue on the path with me.... but it never happened. She claimed everyone (family members, roommates, work friends etc) saw me as the better package deal (no baggage, while the other guy had tonnes of it and lots of drama, including ex baby mama-drama). I met her previous roommates that said so themselves!
I do concede that she was not used to being put on a pedestal - something I did because of how I felt about her. The thing was I didn't expect a lot from her, only to be herself. I would tell her regularly how I felt about her, which was important to me as I rarely had someone that "close" to me to be able to share those feelings with (relationships are few and far between lol). And doubly important as with her past history she had guys walk all over her, in her dating life.
There were other troubling signs as easy as she gravitated to me, once "bored" she'd easily gravitate towards someone else. I was foolish and stupid in believing things would work out and we'd have the happy ever after.
I have a question, what do you guys do if someone shouts something crude at a girl you are out with?
I was out on a date the other night and this crusty train hopper guy made a crude joke towards my date. We just avoided him and went on our way but I kinda feel bad for not telling the guy off. On the other hand I would hate to incite any kind of violence while on a date.
I was out on a date the other night and this crusty train hopper guy made a crude joke towards my date. We just avoided him and went on our way but I kinda feel bad for not telling the guy off. On the other hand I would hate to incite any kind of violence while on a date.
Blitzrules240
Banned
Well got the ball rolling with my new OkCupid match, made small talk, got her number, we have started texting, so things are looking good. She mentioned Arrested Development in her profile and said she rewatched it a lot, so I took initiative and told her I'd be down to rewatch it with her sometime and that I'm always down for a night in with a binge watch/movie marathon and conversation. Then I asked her what her favorite episode of AD was or if she couldn't pick just one. No response yet but if ZackieChan has taught me anything, it's to stay positive.
But I will ask did I go a little presumptive and or bold to tell her I'd be down to basically Netflix and Chill or did it show confidence in myself and how I think I'm doing with her so far?
Regardless, I just need to stay positive and if nothing goes forward, dem the brakes.
But I will ask did I go a little presumptive and or bold to tell her I'd be down to basically Netflix and Chill or did it show confidence in myself and how I think I'm doing with her so far?
Regardless, I just need to stay positive and if nothing goes forward, dem the brakes.
"Quiet down, little bitch, and move along."
Advocatus Diaboli
Member
So, I had an incredibly helpful dinner with a friend of mine, and after five vodka sodas on my part, she helped me improve on my plan to take my girlfriend out next Thursday to celebrate. Right now, I'm in the upper echelon of being sweet; I'm, frankly, kind and considerate and I make people feel valued, loved, and protected. What I lack is passion. What I don't always project is confidence. I have this mental image in my head of a guy that does those things, and I've made it my goal to unify those ideas with who I am.
So, this is what I'm planning. Instead of simply making reservations and sending a car to pick her up, which was my original thought, and which would've built some mystery, I decided instead to pick her up myself. I'm going shopping tomorrow, and I'm going to pick out a dress for her to wear. I know her style and her tastes, but since it's my treat, I can select something that I enjoy too. It's been almost 5 months; there's no reason I can't drop $200-250 at Nordstrom. So, I'll tell her to be ready by 8 and that I'll be over by quarter to 7, so that way her hair and makeup's done. I'll show up, dress in hand, and say that I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant and that she should wear this. (The reservation's actually for 9.)
Thoughts, especially from the ladies?
Similarly, we've talked about taking a weekend trip to NYC several times by now, so I think I'm just going to book (changeable) train tickets and tell her that we're going on a certain weekend. I've found that endless discussions get us nowhere fast.
So, this is what I'm planning. Instead of simply making reservations and sending a car to pick her up, which was my original thought, and which would've built some mystery, I decided instead to pick her up myself. I'm going shopping tomorrow, and I'm going to pick out a dress for her to wear. I know her style and her tastes, but since it's my treat, I can select something that I enjoy too. It's been almost 5 months; there's no reason I can't drop $200-250 at Nordstrom. So, I'll tell her to be ready by 8 and that I'll be over by quarter to 7, so that way her hair and makeup's done. I'll show up, dress in hand, and say that I'm taking her to her favorite restaurant and that she should wear this. (The reservation's actually for 9.)
Thoughts, especially from the ladies?
Similarly, we've talked about taking a weekend trip to NYC several times by now, so I think I'm just going to book (changeable) train tickets and tell her that we're going on a certain weekend. I've found that endless discussions get us nowhere fast.
So GAF this is my first time posting in this thread and I need a little guidance! So tomorrow night at 8pm this girl and I who have been friends for a couple years are going out on a date. Shes 25, I'm 23, she drinks, and I don't. So the plan was even though I don't drink there's this brewery nearby that's open till like 11 and an Indie Ice cream shop that's open till 11 and a REALLY BOMB Pizza and hot dogs spot that's near bars so it's open till 3 am. The plan is her and I stop at indie ice cream spot get some ice cream, leave from there chill at the brewery, where she can have a bear or two and I'll drink like a sprite or some water and we can talk and hangout for like an hour or two, then hit up the pizza spot and eat outside on the sidewalk under the neon glare of the nearby bars. I just wanted to know what you guys think of the plan if it sounds cool. She's really cool shes down to earth, she likes good food and good ice cream and her and I have gone to this ice cream spot plenty of times before but this would be the first time as a date. It's going to be our first date and I kinda just want to make sure that I don't fuck it up.
Blitzrules240
Banned
Huzzah! A response and more conversation. We just keep going back and forth about Arrested Development. I mean it's kinda like we're stuck in a niche but it's cool because she's as into the show as I am. Damn, this looks promising. Now we just need to hang out and see where it goes.
ErrorMacro
Member
So, guys, update on my tinder date: Success. Girl is totally my type, super cute, the date lasted 5 hours, no moments of silence, we made out (a lot) by the end of it, and already scheduled a second date.
I learned two things with this date. First is that even though the conversation may not flow very well through whatsapp or tinder, in person, it may end up flowing very well. So don't give up of a potential date just because of that. The second is that, sometimes, shit sucks, until it doesn't. I started the week with one rejection and one ghosting, and ended it meeting and dating a pretty great girl. So don't give up, you never know when things will turn around.
I learned two things with this date. First is that even though the conversation may not flow very well through whatsapp or tinder, in person, it may end up flowing very well. So don't give up of a potential date just because of that. The second is that, sometimes, shit sucks, until it doesn't. I started the week with one rejection and one ghosting, and ended it meeting and dating a pretty great girl. So don't give up, you never know when things will turn around.
ZackieChan
Member
Yep, and the opposite is true: texting compatibility doesn't necessarily mean in-person compatibility, which is the actual important part. Hence moving from texting to IRL meetup asap.
That has happened quite a few times with my GF, but I would never say anything unless the guy gets close and personal. In any case, my girl doesn't need me to protect her. If she wants to say something, she will say it. I would chime in if she does, though.
Is it weird that I'm excited about going to events with my friends because it means I can "show off" my girlfriend? I mean of course I just want them to meet her so that she can be more introduced into my life, but there's also the factor that it makes me look good, sort of. I think my girl is really damn pretty and if she's willing to be with me (who is about average looking I'd say) then that says something about me in a way, it reflects well on me. I want to stress that her looks and that it makes me look good are obviously not the only reasons for me being with her, far from the most important reasons, but they're a bonus for me. Is this a toxic way of thinking?
ZackieChan
Member
I assume by your vaguebooking that this is what August girl said to you? The same thing she said years ago, essentially? I've been telling you here forever that this is a bad relationship for you to continue seeking. You seem dead set on it, and it's going to destroy your mental health, man.
If I'm wrong about this being the same girl, I apologize. But whoever it is, she seems to be doing a number on you, in a bad way.
Same girl, but we weren't talking about being together, it just comes out as a joke now. lol
In real news, I'm giving her advice about dates she's going on but so far every guy is really blowing it. It's funny. There's a guy who, in the very first lunch date, was like "I want you to be my girlfriend... when can you be my girlfriend..." and she's really only interested because his career is the same.
We're trying to give him the opportunity to say something that isn't shallow.
FYI guys, never say "you would be cute if you were fatter". Who does that lol.
--
I've been ghosting this other girl. Kinda by accident, just been busy.
Why the hell are you giving dating advice to this girl who you have feelings for? And why are you saying "We" when it's her who's doing the dating? This whole thing sounds unhealthy and kinda ridiculous.
Nah we're BFFs. It's complicated I guess but it's fine. She knows I'm going to be seeing someone else.
Miles Quaritch
Member
We're giving him the opportunity to say something that isn't shallow.
Goodness at using we're.
I'm curious, does this guy know he's trying to date both her and you?
And are you ghosting the another woman who might be interested in you because you're too focused on helping someone who isn't interested with her dates?
Goodness at using we're.
I'm curious, does this guy know he's trying to date both her and you?
And are you ghosting the another woman who might be interested in you because you're too focused on helping someone who isn't interested with her dates?
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Dude, seriously. How can you not see this is a fucked up relationship? Unless your life ambition is to be her cuckold, you should have left ages ago. I think I'm done talking about this.
Don't worry miles, they'll be together in August!
Ah right, you're "BFFs", but you plan to start dating in August.
I'm sorry but this all sounds like some high school shit. Whatever floats your boat.
ZackieChan
Member
Why do you need to "worry" about anything?
You've posted something like 6 threads about this girl, ranging from "she cheated on me" to "she watched Inside Out without me," each time pushing you toward depression. How can you say that this ISN'T fucked up?
Damn, should have quoted so you couldn't back away from that latest nonsense.
You've posted something like 6 threads about this girl, ranging from "she cheated on me" to "she watched Inside Out without me," each time pushing you toward depression. How can you say that this ISN'T fucked up?
Damn, should have quoted so you couldn't back away from that latest nonsense.
Oh that's not the same girl.
But as for depression (off-topic) -- to clarify, it wasn't to do with her. So after weeks (months) of counselling I found out what was causing the depression and it's family shit -- the whole, moving away from her was putting me closer to family.
Anyway I do appreciate the concern. I just simply wanted to talk about how a girl interpreted a guy's actions on a first date, didn't mean to open up a discussion about my relationships. It's my fault for mentioning it.
ZackieChan
Member
That's why I asked a few posts back and you confirmed. Regardless , these are seriously dysfunctional relationships you're getting into. It saddens me.
I'll kinda explain this to put it to bed.
Girl 1: not BFF, posted about on GAF
Girl 2: BFF then on-off dating
Depression: not caused by Girl 1 or Girl 2
Me: Love Girl 2
Girl 2: Loves Me (but distance is a serious issue)
Plan: Staying as BFFs like we were before, see other people, or get back together if we solve the distance problem
Confusion: What solves our distance issues (money) is the same thing I need to solve what was causing depression (moving away from family)... and to admit, I did date Girl 2 before and after Girl 1.
It's complicated and I apologise for bringing it up.
Kiever Sher
Member
I'm sorta bummed about a past girl again. These things take soooo long to get over. It's been a couple of months with no contact and I still think of her and miss her. I sorta hope I don't ever feel so strongly for someone again, it makes things much easier. Kind of a sucky weekend dating wise I suppose. Everyone hug me in a virtual fashion.
ZackieChan
Member
Ok. I'll stop commenting.
I'm also sorry too. You're not wrong though. What I really appreciate is the concern. :3
Miles Quaritch
Member
That's the wrong attitude to have. You shouldn't shut yourself off from feeling that deeply for someone again, but you have to make sure you retain some level of emotional independence. It's not all about the other person in a relationship. You can love them so deeply that you feel their pain when they are hurt, but that doesn't mean in doing that, you give up your own emotional security and independence.
Don't take the wrong lessons from this experience. Saying you never want to feel that way again isn't the right lesson. Saying that you want to feel that again but also make sure you're emotionally secure at the same time so if it doesn't work out you can move on without too much trauma is what you should be hoping to achieve going forward.
Kiever Sher
Member
Yeah it's a bit of a defeatist attitude really. I was not emotionally secure at all back then, and I'm still not totally (though I'm a lot better). I know the things I have to work on I guess. I was focused completely on her which I know now is just ridiculous. I should've been dating around and talking with other people. If I knew then what I know now etc.
It's tough at the moment to remember the good parts of the whole thing, I just focus on the shitty ending and how terrible I feel. Hopefully in time I'll look back on the whole thing as learning or whatever. Still just sucks at the moment though. It's fucking annoying how long it's been and how I'm still not over her.
Yea, I know the feeling. I miss the little things for sure. The way she would always tell me to have a good day at work, and let me know that she's thinking of me. And my birthday is coming up, and she always made that so special. My birthday has never been an event that I cared about until she came in my life, and she made me feel like a king in a way. But that's the past. I fucked up and someone else will get those special things from her.
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