snooping is how most people find out.
I just found out my wife's been cheating on me
- Thread starter kitsuneyo
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snooping is how most people find out.
*nod*
Professor Lich
Member
I can't really say much, but my condolences.
SuperAndroid17
Member
No such thing. If you're suspicious then find out.
What are we talking about ? Pictures?
Peterthumpa
Member
I envy you. Your answers make you look like you're very grounded on reality and with every thought in place. I wish I could be this... confident. A similar thing happened to me 4 months ago (though I'm not married), and I'm still picking up my broken pieces lying around.
Man OP....I'm really sorry. I'm not sure what I can say that hasn't been said. It sounds like the relationship is over. Do you have any living relatives like a mom or dad? Don't bottle this stuff up, you need someone to vent too and a parent would be one of the best.
Edit: Not saying that you would. My condolences man I don't think I would have my mind in the same place your's is right now.
Edit: Not saying that you would. My condolences man I don't think I would have my mind in the same place your's is right now.
ReturnOfTheRAT
Member
Move on. Sadly for you, the marriage and whatever faith you had in each other is over.
vas_a_morir
Banned
OP... under what circumstances did you meet her?
I'm curious about the 'home country' bit. Does she need you to stay in the country? Also, is her friend the same nationality as she is?
I'm curious about the 'home country' bit. Does she need you to stay in the country? Also, is her friend the same nationality as she is?
Your best bet is to move on and find other women to spend your time with as quickly as possible. I use the plural on purpose. Don't commit to any of them. Enjoy being single and having a variety of women as companions. You'll be amazed at how helpful it iswhen you find new, interesting distractions.
Lumination
'enry 'ollins
No way the guy's writing love letters about sharing a life together without having slept together. She cheated. It's not your fault. Get out of there and rebuild your life. Sorry, man.
Make a thread on the iPad and img the dick pics.
Randolph Freelander
Member
Are you sure you just want to give up on it? Despite what she has done, or what she will do, discover for yourself what you want. If it's her, then hold on to that for a while. There may come a time you might have to let that go, but it isn't necessarily right now. Talk to your pastor or religious leader, if you have one, or seek counseling, either together or even by yourself. Talk with someone. Lots of marriages hit rough spots, there are many separations and even infidelities, but not all such rough spots or separations end in divorce, so don't give up on your marriage until you're good and ready.
He said he can go either way. Hopefully he doesnt get stronger feelings down the road.
Apologies, when that other guy said 7 years and not wanting kids is a red flag I thought he was implying the woman was using this as an excuse to cheat. Kind of like "I dont have kids so it'll be easier for me to get new dick and not have to deal with custody later".
I think I've been preparing for something like this for a while
And we have talked about all these problems a few times, been to counselling as well. It's been on the cards, but the cheating made it a shock.Lol no to both thankfully!
Thanks for the replies and the support everyone. This did actually make me feel a lot better, and I'm glad I posted. GAF is awesome!
Gonna try and get some sleep, nite all.
Yep, no doubt in my mind either. She did it. She obviously doesn't have the courage to front up to you about anything so she left hints - why would she front up to you about that? She wouldn't.
100% nailed on guarantee that she did the deed more than once. Sorry mate; if she's willing to emotionally cheat on you and make plans with him, she is more than willing do go the physical route too.
There has to be willingness on both parts to continue. She obviously doesn't have that willingness, so why should he waste his time?
speculawyer
Member
Been there, done that.
My advice: Tell her to leave. Be happy there are no kids involved, break up, and let it go.
The well has been poisoned. You'll never be able to trust her again. It will make you paranoid.
Not worth it. She fucked up and has proven untrustworthy. G-bye!
My advice: Tell her to leave. Be happy there are no kids involved, break up, and let it go.
The well has been poisoned. You'll never be able to trust her again. It will make you paranoid.
Not worth it. She fucked up and has proven untrustworthy. G-bye!
This.
I've been there, not to the degree you are since I was never married to anyone, but I understand that sick feeling in your gut that is a mix of rage, regret, sorrow, confusion, jealousy, and just about every other random emotion you can think of.
I'll be honest, its going to suck for a while. It will get better, and then worse, and then better, and then worse...sometimes within a span of an hour. Everyone deals with this kind of stuff differently and for a different amount of time, but chances are you will feel like shit for quite a long time, weeks, maybe months even. And then it will fade, and then you'll be ok, and then you'll be good, and then you'll be great. But a part of you will always look back at your marriage and this whole incident with a tinge of that same sour stomach cocktail of emotions.
I'll be honest, its going to suck for a while. It will get better, and then worse, and then better, and then worse...sometimes within a span of an hour. Everyone deals with this kind of stuff differently and for a different amount of time, but chances are you will feel like shit for quite a long time, weeks, maybe months even. And then it will fade, and then you'll be ok, and then you'll be good, and then you'll be great. But a part of you will always look back at your marriage and this whole incident with a tinge of that same sour stomach cocktail of emotions.
This, in my experience is true far less than you would think.
Many people cheat because they are insecure with themselves, and no amount of reassurance can fix that. They derive self worth from having new people desire them and they act on it.
Other times people have just been cheaters their whole lives.
People are fucked up and do selfish shit and there's not always a logical explanation for it.
I say this having been on both ends of this situation multiple times. I'm starting to believe monogamy and fidelity are concepts we're just not suited to as humans in the age we live in.
abstract alien
Member
The things and details that go through your mind have probably been absolutely terrible to think about. Really sorry to hear that happened. Nothing more I hate than a liar and someone who deceives the ones that love them. No children is a huge positive in this case though, that's for sure.
Just_myles
Member
OP, cut her loose. Other fish in the sea, there won't be any easy answers. Honestly, 4 years isn't that long. You will ache for a while, but that's what your friends are for and you should use them.
triplestation
Member
OP is some sort of engineer confirmed
mugoldeneagle03
Member
Honestly? Be grateful you guys don't have kids. The whole situation could've been a lot worse than it is right now.
There's going to be pain no matter how you look at it, but just know that all of this isn't your fault, literally none. If she lost interest and fucked around on you that's on her & while I'm sure it sucks it gives you an out to find someone who does give a shit about you.
Also I wouldn't look for any more answers, it's only going to keep the pain around. If she honestly loves you and feels bad she'll be the one to stick around & try to make it work. Until then give zero fucks until she makes a move.
Sorry to hear man
There's going to be pain no matter how you look at it, but just know that all of this isn't your fault, literally none. If she lost interest and fucked around on you that's on her & while I'm sure it sucks it gives you an out to find someone who does give a shit about you.
Also I wouldn't look for any more answers, it's only going to keep the pain around. If she honestly loves you and feels bad she'll be the one to stick around & try to make it work. Until then give zero fucks until she makes a move.
Sorry to hear man
SpaceShark
Member
It wasn't me that said it originally, but I would also consider it a relationship red flag if one partner wanted kids and the other didn't, and both felt strongly about it. Unless someone changes their mind, it's probably going to go bad at some point.
Your situation doesn't sound like that though
I'm not 100% sure I would've had kids if my wife didn't feel so strongly about it, but I'm happy we had them now.fatigues_gasolini
Member
Pictures and pictures of chats. She is going back to California next week and I think she's going to meet up with this guy. She seems to be covering her tracks since she changed her email password and stopped syncing her iPhone pictures to the cloud. I have everything saved to a random folder on my laptop.
Randolph Freelander
Member
We don't know what she's thinking, and besides that, a lack of willingness now doesn't mean there is no willingness ever. People are complicated. But I personally believe relationships are worth fighting for, and marriages are more than just relationships. He might lose it, there are no guarantees, but if he wants it and doesn't fight for it, he may one day come to regret it all the more.
LiquidMetal14
hide your water-based mammals
Sleep well and best wishes. It's absolutely awful but like pulling teeth, the pain will subside. No kids is good so that's less to worry about.
I'm sorry that happened to you OP. It is gonna hurt, truth be told, but just work on yourself in the meantime. Then if/when you feel ready to date again go for it. Don't rush back into the dating scene though.
Cheating exist in many forms.
Lol it isn't as easy as simply 'forgetting' about it.
Care to share your story? (I'm genuinely curious)
Cheating exist in many forms.
Lol it isn't as easy as simply 'forgetting' about it.
Care to share your story? (I'm genuinely curious)
I know how you feel OP. Instead of reiterating the good advice others have given you, I recommend keeping yourself busy. Go out and have fun. Hang out with friends. Pick up a hobby. Another thing that really helped me out was self improvement. I knew I had flaws and I worked to improve on those flaws. I am still working on them today.
However, I also want to add that things will get better. I have met someone else since and she has been great. You will find someone else and you'll be great together.
I know it really hurts right now and just reading through this topic I feel the pain in my heart once more. Take some time to heal. At least we have an outlet to share our pain and heal together.
*brofist*
However, I also want to add that things will get better. I have met someone else since and she has been great. You will find someone else and you'll be great together.
I know it really hurts right now and just reading through this topic I feel the pain in my heart once more. Take some time to heal. At least we have an outlet to share our pain and heal together.
*brofist*
Not seeing the relevance of this train of thought. If she doesn't want to stay married, there's no legal way to force her to. She has obviously wanted out of the relationship for awhile already, she was just too much of a coward to be the first to bring it up.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
People who cheat infuriate me. It's so disrespectful and hurtful to someone you've made an emotion pact with.
Sorry you're going through this kitsuneyo. GAF has your back! I also want to mention you did the right thing not snooping. If anyone becomes unable to trust their significant other then they might as well end it for that reason alone.
Sorry you're going through this kitsuneyo. GAF has your back! I also want to mention you did the right thing not snooping. If anyone becomes unable to trust their significant other then they might as well end it for that reason alone.
It's over.
But the hurt will continue until you find someone to replace her. That vacancy created in your life is a horrible road. will only heal when replaced by someone else.
Time doesn't heal jack.
And with your cheating wife who trashed your marriage trust and faith and lied in your face while being in other man arms .
It's over
But the hurt will continue until you find someone to replace her. That vacancy created in your life is a horrible road. will only heal when replaced by someone else.
Time doesn't heal jack.
And with your cheating wife who trashed your marriage trust and faith and lied in your face while being in other man arms .
It's over
Good luck, OP.
I hope I never have to go what you're going through.
All I can say is that you're going to have to make a choice on what you want to do. If you two find that there is enough good in the marriage that you want to try to save it, you both will have to work very hard to save it. Having said that, you have some pretty big obstacles to get through - kids being one of them. You definitely can't do it alone though, and it doesn't sound like either one of you is really up for it.
The cheating was definitely her fault, but the reasons for cheating are just as important. If you do decide to move on, learn what you can from this experience.
Good luck with your decision.
edit: Yeah, you guys going on about sex are not helping. If he believes his wife, then he believes his wife. On the whole, the sex is not the most important factor here.
I hope I never have to go what you're going through.
All I can say is that you're going to have to make a choice on what you want to do. If you two find that there is enough good in the marriage that you want to try to save it, you both will have to work very hard to save it. Having said that, you have some pretty big obstacles to get through - kids being one of them. You definitely can't do it alone though, and it doesn't sound like either one of you is really up for it.
The cheating was definitely her fault, but the reasons for cheating are just as important. If you do decide to move on, learn what you can from this experience.
Good luck with your decision.
edit: Yeah, you guys going on about sex are not helping. If he believes his wife, then he believes his wife. On the whole, the sex is not the most important factor here.
shanshan310
Member
I'm sorry to hear that. It must have been particularly awful after spending the holiday with her and everything.
Someone always has to chip in with this don't they. The guy has just been emotionally pummelled. There's no need to be a jerk about it.
Someone always has to chip in with this don't they. The guy has just been emotionally pummelled. There's no need to be a jerk about it.
Psychotext
Member
Thinking about it, if this happened to me I probably wouldn't bother trying to find someone else. I'm at a point now where the whole idea of dating (or even fucking random strangers) just horrifies me... and fuck trying to deal with a new partner's quirks / explain mine to them.
I reckon I'd become a monk, just without the actually becoming a monk part.
Yup. There are a few types of posts you can always count on in certain types of threads. This is one of them. Another is "none of your business" in threads where someone knows a cheater and wants to bring the truth out.
A Human Becoming
More than a Member
I'm trying to recall a thread someone made a few months ago where a guy focused on something significantly less important than his marriage falling apart. If I wasn't on my iPad I'd do a search.
beelzebozo
Jealous Bastard
if there is meaning in life at all, then there must be meaning in suffering. what is to give light must endure burning. et cetera.
these sound like platitudes, but i totally mean them: you're hurting now, but what exactly all this means and what you make of it in the next week, month, year, or decades to come is up to you. so much of where this goes depends entirely on how you see it.
the worst case scenario is not you ending your marriage--the worst case scenario(s) are you [1] ending your marriage and wishing forever it hadn't happened, staying adrift within the purgatory of that failed relationship, or [2] staying in the marriage and holding onto it.
maybe there is wisdom to be gained from this that will not make it seem like such a tragedy or a waste. you know, man? whether you stay or you go, maybe the actual positive outcome is only evinced from inside you.
"if we could see all, all might seem good."
these sound like platitudes, but i totally mean them: you're hurting now, but what exactly all this means and what you make of it in the next week, month, year, or decades to come is up to you. so much of where this goes depends entirely on how you see it.
the worst case scenario is not you ending your marriage--the worst case scenario(s) are you [1] ending your marriage and wishing forever it hadn't happened, staying adrift within the purgatory of that failed relationship, or [2] staying in the marriage and holding onto it.
maybe there is wisdom to be gained from this that will not make it seem like such a tragedy or a waste. you know, man? whether you stay or you go, maybe the actual positive outcome is only evinced from inside you.
"if we could see all, all might seem good."
Thinking about it, if this happened to me I probably wouldn't bother trying to find someone else. I'm at a point now where the whole idea of dating (or even fucking random strangers) just horrifies me... and fuck trying to deal with a new partner's quirks / explain mine to them.
I reckon I'd become a monk, just without the actually becoming a monk part.
Well that's why I suggested not committing to any of them. Just have a good time and be honest about your intentions. It's refreshing.
That's not for everyone. I wouldn't enjoy such a thing personally.
Future PhaZe
Member
If it makes you feel any better OP I doubt she has any long term emotional connection with this guy. I find that it's pretty rare that people feel like they've met a better long term match for themselves when they cheat. I'd be surprised if this wasn't completely about sex.
It does mean however that you have issues that need to be fixed. I think cheating is something couples can recover from, but it takes a lot of honesty about why it happened. A lot of times it's honestly not about you but.insecurities and flaws they have in their own personality.
It does mean however that you have issues that need to be fixed. I think cheating is something couples can recover from, but it takes a lot of honesty about why it happened. A lot of times it's honestly not about you but.insecurities and flaws they have in their own personality.
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
The foundation of all healthy, happy relationships is trust. No amount of "fighting" or "wanting" can rescue a relationship if the trust is not there.
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