AHA-Lambda
Member
Any suggestions from anyone, no? =/
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
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Any suggestions from anyone, no? =/
Why would you need a book?
AHA-Lambda
Member
Idk, I feel like it would help tbh =/
There are loads of books on this sort of thing (for women tho to be fair) and I feel I need help to fully forget my ex. I've been getting better recently but I know I'm not fully 100% there yet, I thought I could get back out there and just move on but I've realised I'm obviously not ready for that yet.
I admit I'm not sure if this thread is the right place for this so I apologise if not.
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
Just ready every page of this thread.
you will like dis thread:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3386887&pagenumber=1
AHA-Lambda
Member
Kung Fu Grip
Banned
Jackben
bitch I'm taking calls.
I will quote it for him.
Pretty solid advice IMO. Go see the original thread via Chinner's link for more.The Post-Breakup Phase
Its over and done. Youve suffered some trauma going through the process of a failed relationship. What now?
Expect to go through at least some of the 5 stages of loss. You may switch back and forth, experience multiple stages at a time or one by one. These can last weeks or months. They are, in no particular order:
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Despair
Acceptance
Denial: Youll lie to yourself about the reality of the situation. She still loves me, I know it, or theres still a possibility even though he said there was none, for the dumped. He took it really well or Shes doing fine, well be great friends in a week for the dumper. None of these are true. This is a stupid phase and you wont begin to feel better until you move on from here. Its also one of the most debilitating and difficult stages to get out of, especially for the dumped that had little or no certainty in the breakup (see Eratta: Stuck in the Limbo of an Uncertain Breakup, below). Youll repeat errors in judgment stemming from this phase over and over. Live and learn.
Bargaining: This can happen at the Premonition Phase, or after the breakup. Common are thoughts like maybe if I show her how much she means to me with 30 rose deliveries or I could just call him 50 times and tell him how great I am for him. If youre still working out issues, give it a shot. If its over, its over. Dont beg, plead, whine, or act like a child.
Anger: You were hurt or your partner did not take the breakup well. In any event, you are pissed at them or the world. Youd love to hurt them or the world emotionally or even physically in some way. Dont do any of this. Be an adult, accept your anger and act different. Feeling angry is fine, acting angry is not (See Rule 5: Dont Be An rear end in a top hat, below).
Despair: You are crushed, either because your love just left you or you feel like you destroyed someones life. You may tear up, cry, or crumple on the floor bawling uncontrollably. All of this is fine. You have to admit to yourself this stuff is supposed to hurt, and give yourself some time to work through it. For you macho men, better to cry in private than bury it. Despair doesnt disappear by trying to ignore it. Dont get stuck here, though. Follow the rules so your despair is a short, manageable stage.
Acceptance: Youve felt like shit, but all the bad feels somehow distant, and you are confident youll be fine. You may not be 100%, but you can see the bright side. Maybe you shift back into another stage, and find yourself here again. Welcome to the beginnings of recovery!
Managing Your Life During the Five Stages of Loss
Here is where maybe 100% of you are right now. Getting your life together when your emotions wreak havoc on your rational side can be nightmarish. Reduce your time stuck in circular logic, cut that useless, wishful thinking and curb destructive behavior with these remaining simple rules!
Rule 1: Sever Contact With Your Ex
Before you argue, head right down to Erratta: Can I Be Friends With My Ex?, then find yourself right back here.
Think about how all of your emotional turmoil is tied up with the relationship between you and one person (and possibly their family and friends). You think staying in touch will help you get over that? No. Take a break from confronting both the source and reminders of that turmoil. Dont call, text, email, read Facebook updates, visit, or have sex with your ex. Block their Facebook (not hide feed, not unfriend). Block their email and cell. If you live with your ex, move out. If you work with them, consider a transfer. If you share friends, spend time with other friends. Tell the people you spend time with that you want to minimize reminders, discussion, and anything else relating to your ex (unless you need to bitch. Limited venting can be cathartic if you dont piss your friends off with too much).
Rule 2: Go Do Something Normal With Yourself and Friends
During the immediate post-dump, it can be a challenge to reign in those feelings. Sitting at home, sulking, stewing over the issues of the breakup, and wallowing in your despair will keep you right where you are. Find a new hobby or re-find your old ones. Go outside. Go out with friends, dance a jig, run a mile, anything. Few or no friends? Make some. Focus on short-term goals. Also, figure out the most productive time of day while youre in this funk, and schedule your time for both good activities and letting your emotions run rampant. Sometimes you just cant get over it, so allow yourself a little time for that.
Don't do anything rash. Don't join the army, sell all your worldly possessions, or do anything that could have lasting, regrettable effects on your life.
Rule 4: Be Healthy
Take care of your body. Eat right, exercise, and fix your sleep schedule. It is amazing how these three things affect the way you handle emotional turmoil. Avoid mind-altering substances in excess, including alcohol. If you go drinking, ensure your exs number is deleted. If memorized, give your phone to your pals. Drunk texting/calling the ex is not a riot.
Take care of your mind. Exercise, IT WILL HELP YOU FEEL AMAZING.
Spend some time on self-reflection. People often say its not you, its me, but if youre noticing a pattern of failed, unhealthy relationships, you might have some unresolved issues to work through. Talk with friends, family, professional counselors, psychiatrists or entertain E/N for perspective.
Rule 5: Dont Be an Ass
Life sucks and theres nothing you can do about it. When life sucks, its easy to be an rear end in a top hat. Life sucks even more when assholes assert their assholery and ruin everyone elses lives and their own. Dont be that rear end in a top hat. Dont harass, threaten, repeatedly whine and cry, or stalk your ex through any medium of communication. This includes through their friends and/or family. You can feel like poo poo, but put your game face on in public. Bitch to your close friends, take boxing lessons, or write in a private journal. Hopefully if you stick to Rule 2, you wont have to worry about any of this.
Closure?
This is probably the biggest reason people completely fail on Rule 2 and suffer.
Closure could mean one final fuck you, a last hurrah in the sack, that satisfying answer to why everything fell apart and anything in between. Sadly, if you weasel anything out of your ex, you probably didnt want to hear it in the first place.
Most often, there is no such thing as closure and nothing your ex could say would make you feel better. This is also nearly always has the same result: it never matters what they say, and now you feel even worse. Moral? Dont bother looking for closure. Create your own and move on.
Can I Be Friends With My Ex?
Sure. You can be friends with your ex. But not now.
Most people dont end up being friends with their ex, and its not because they stop talking to them. Its because they dont stop talking to them. You cant be friends with someone you used to love unless all those feelings are gone. You need to take the time to be apart and to get some space. Otherwise youll never get over them; youll see them with new people and itll kill you inside. What kind of a friendship is that?
If youre the dumper, its going to be harder for you, because you wont really know for sure if theyre over you. Dating other people doesnt guarantee anything. The important thing is to give them space (even if they dont want space, even if they want to keep talking to you) and maybe try at being friends after a few months.
Well, there you have it. Get right to breaking every one of these and teach everyone your hard-learned lessons, or share your success and be a model for all.
Much thanks to all of the contributors to this and the last thread. You know who you are!
Many people have been where you are, and you can probably find your answer in history. READ the original thread on SA.
Just to follow up, and because I was freaked out...
The girl that I went out with a couple weeks ago sent me a text on Sunday "Hey what do you think the odds are that I would be... you know... after what we did?"
I had no clue what she meant, "pregnant" she responded.
My heart fucking skipped a beat. I said "You better not be." "I'm not. Just wanted your opinion. Later."
(She didn't like the way I answered that question - HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT?!)
So, did I stick my dick in crazy?
The girl that I went out with a couple weeks ago sent me a text on Sunday "Hey what do you think the odds are that I would be... you know... after what we did?"
I had no clue what she meant, "pregnant" she responded.
My heart fucking skipped a beat. I said "You better not be." "I'm not. Just wanted your opinion. Later."
(She didn't like the way I answered that question - HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT?!)
So, did I stick my dick in crazy?
Jackben
bitch I'm taking calls.
Yes. And there is no other way you are supposed to answer. She is just reaching for attention using any bullshit she can think of.So, did I stick my dick in crazy?
Let this be a lesson.
Just to follow up, and because I was freaked out...
The girl that I went out with a couple weeks ago sent me a text on Sunday "Hey what do you think the odds are that I would be... you know... after what we did?"
I had no clue what she meant, "pregnant" she responded.
My heart fucking skipped a beat. I said "You better not be." "I'm not. Just wanted your opinion. Later."
(She didn't like the way I answered that question - HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT?!)
So, did I stick my dick in crazy?
You should have said "Impossible". You know, just lie.
Bucket-o-roadkill
Member
I agree especially because I have been cheated on while in a relationship I was completely faithful to. It really fucking sucks and you should never do that to someone. That being said, make friends with taken girls and get them to hook you up with their friends.
SpectreFire
Member
Not only that, but do you really want to go out with a girl who cheated on her SO with you?
Just to follow up, and because I was freaked out...
The girl that I went out with a couple weeks ago sent me a text on Sunday "Hey what do you think the odds are that I would be... you know... after what we did?"
I had no clue what she meant, "pregnant" she responded.
My heart fucking skipped a beat. I said "You better not be." "I'm not. Just wanted your opinion. Later."
(She didn't like the way I answered that question - HOW ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT?!)
So, did I stick my dick in crazy?
yep time to bailout
Devolution
Member
Nope. Don't condone cheating since it means you can in fact just be used anyway. What people should be condoning is telling her to break up with her boyfriend before you go any further.
Etrian Oddity
Member
The terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" are largely misused by most young people today, anyway. In my experience it merely means "preferred sexual partner of the moment." Cheating is all too casual and not even frowned upon.
As long as cheating still ends relationships, usually, let's consider cheating cheating.
Anyways, just passing through, things have been super busy for me on the relationship wheel. Everything is going well, or well enough. I know what I'm doing.
What's interesting is finally the resistance from the world is seeming to evaporate. I'm finding I don't have to put as much work into getting anywhere with anyone. Things are moving along more naturally, and more the way I've always thought it should.
NihonTiger90
Member
I think the hardest thing to deal with when you start out dating is adjusting to the other person's communication patterns. Some like to text all the time but others you do have to get used to not getting something back right away. I'm still kind of in the process of doing that, and it's been a bit of a change as I'm generally more used to doing a lot of texting back and forth, but that's not always the case this time around.
We're meeting for a quick bite to eat on Thursday and there's plans in the works for the weekend as well, so I'm not too worried. Still planning to take things pretty slow and praying my mom won't be all, "So when do we get to meet her?" I already replied back to her that it would happen whenever it happened, which got a response of, "well, we'll have to let you know when we're coming to visit soon!"
And yeah, I facepalmed when she said that to the point I almost embedded my phone in my forehead. My mom tends to get really excited about stuff like this so I'm hoping if I don't say much she'll calm down.
We're meeting for a quick bite to eat on Thursday and there's plans in the works for the weekend as well, so I'm not too worried. Still planning to take things pretty slow and praying my mom won't be all, "So when do we get to meet her?" I already replied back to her that it would happen whenever it happened, which got a response of, "well, we'll have to let you know when we're coming to visit soon!"
And yeah, I facepalmed when she said that to the point I almost embedded my phone in my forehead. My mom tends to get really excited about stuff like this so I'm hoping if I don't say much she'll calm down.
thestopsign
Member
This is definitely true at my college. Not many serious relationships are going on, so it really is pretty easy to convince girls in so called "relationships" to deviate. Most of the time it's just hookup buddies, and they change with the season.
Kung Fu Grip
Banned
I hope i can get to your level soon. But currently it just seems like nothing is ever going to happen. (I know, i know, negativity).
It certainly feels like i can do it, but i won't budge. I have my moments here and there where i actually say hi to girl and they respond (One day i asked a girl if she thought i was ugly. "Huh? do i think you're ugly? No." She says. lol. I walk away kind of embarrassed.) but it doesn't last. And right now im not in that zone. I saw plenty of potential girls so far this week. One that i made eye contact with (that works wonders by the way) and could of probably got somewhere with her if i said something but i did nothing. The drive wasn't there.
Just keep asking girls if they think you're ugly. Open with that line every time. :/
Kung Fu Grip
Banned
It's not something i plan to use all the time. I got that idea from the old combine thread. :/
Doctor West
Member
Coming off weak and super self conscious is not going to win you any favors. Drop the, "Am I ugly?" line. It made me uncomfortable just reading it and I'm not even a girl.
Atramental
Banned
Most people won't notice your supposed "flaws" until you point them out. So don't do that.
You'd be surprised by what other people don't notice. They are usually too busy focusing on their own "flaws".
For example, I thought for the longest time I had really crooked ears until I asked several people, "Are my ears straight or crooked?" and everyone said they were straight.
You'd be surprised by what other people don't notice. They are usually too busy focusing on their own "flaws".
For example, I thought for the longest time I had really crooked ears until I asked several people, "Are my ears straight or crooked?" and everyone said they were straight.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Just become rich.
So has there been any updates from the regulars in this thread with any breakthroughs?
TurboLibre
Member
Not really a regular in OT3 but I'm going on my third date with someone tomorrow. It's surreal how well everything's been going with her, it doesn't feel real yet. We shut the place down on both of our dates and it was my first time kissing someone (in any meaningful way). Pretty excited to see where this goes, but I'm keeping any expectations at bay.
Devolution
Member
Good to hear it man. I recall a lot of your bad luck before.
MoGamesXNA
Unconfirmed Member
I wish her good luck, because you don't need it ^^
Bucket-o-roadkill
Member
What are the best alternatives for online dating instead of plenty of fish? I know about okcupid, are there any other decent ones? Pof is way too over populated in terms of guys for me, I'm forgotten as quickly as I'm discovered by a lot of girls purely because of the amount of choice they have lol i wish the roles were reversed and there were way more women on these sites!
Not really any other choices, as far as I know, no. However, with a lot of inner work guys wouldn't be forgotten on those sites. Do you have good pictures, an interesting profile and can keep conversations intriguing? Those are basic requirements.
Bucket-o-roadkill
Member
If I'm honest I do pretty well in terms of getting chatting to women usually, I'm easily into double figures of dates this year. I think my profile is ok, i can get talking to girls, maybe I need to work on keeping them amused but I feel that should be a natural thing and if it's not, things probably won't work.. I think I need to work most on my appearance.
Women don't care about your looks in the same way as you do, but if that's your belief then yes, that's what you need to fix. If you believe looks matter, looks matter. If you don't, they don't. Goes with everything else
Not at all.
We're approaching the 4th thread and I've yet to make barely any progress.
Ah well, onwards and upwards I suppose...
I don't know, you tell us.
Live Free or Die
Banned
Don't tell them?
So i've had a bit of an issue with my girlfriend today who at this current time isn't speaking to me. The last four times we've been to a club, we've got into an argument due to the same thing. The first time we went out to a club she said to me "Don't look at me too much, don't dance with me because I don't like that". Now i've never had that issue before with a girlfriend, admittedly she is a very very good dancer and i'm not the best at all but still, I thought this was a bit strange but went with it (she was on her period that week anyway).
So anyway, last week we went to a club and I tried to give her a bit of space and this time she got really pissed that I wasn't dancing with her. We had an argument today about this and I said that no matter what I do I can't seem to win and I said to her that it's strange that she doesn't want to dance with me, me being a shit dancer or not. She said to me she doesn't know how to dance with me because I don't strange. Since then she hasn't really spoke to me aside from a few words here and there.
Any advice other than learning how to dance better lol.
So anyway, last week we went to a club and I tried to give her a bit of space and this time she got really pissed that I wasn't dancing with her. We had an argument today about this and I said that no matter what I do I can't seem to win and I said to her that it's strange that she doesn't want to dance with me, me being a shit dancer or not. She said to me she doesn't know how to dance with me because I don't strange. Since then she hasn't really spoke to me aside from a few words here and there.
Any advice other than learning how to dance better lol.
Vermillion
Banned
Son, that's life's policy. You'll understand soon enough.
NeOak
Member
You know as well that if you end in bad terms with her your workplace will be hell, right?
Maybe cool it with the clubs for awhile.
That said, don't freak out, but she may very well be getting more iffy on the relationship. (as I said...MAY...not for sure or anything).
Just look for other clues. Her not talking to you isn't real good. :/ Consider calling her out. Don't let her pout in the corner. It will just be worse.
why do you guys go to clubs if you don't dance or hang out together?
Well we've only been together for 2 months so we've only been to clubs a few times. We do hang out but the problem is obviously the dancing part, she really is an amazing dancer and music is her life, especially the club scene. You think of any dance and she can do it perfectly however I'm not the greatest when it comes to dancing with girls.
I love clubs myself, and I'm always going to at least two Sensation's a year (Massive dance/house/electro events in random countries) so i'm not shy when it comes to dancing but when it comes to dancing with girls, i'm a complete wreck for some reason.
Other than that, the rest of the relationship is going great, we just spent the long weekend together (it was a bank holiday in the uk this monday past) and on Saturday we pretty much spent the whole day fucking it's just this dancing thing. She won't listen to any reason on this as well which doesn't help, i'm pretty much in the wrong no matter.
I love clubs myself, and I'm always going to at least two Sensation's a year (Massive dance/house/electro events in random countries) so i'm not shy when it comes to dancing but when it comes to dancing with girls, i'm a complete wreck for some reason.
Other than that, the rest of the relationship is going great, we just spent the long weekend together (it was a bank holiday in the uk this monday past) and on Saturday we pretty much spent the whole day fucking it's just this dancing thing. She won't listen to any reason on this as well which doesn't help, i'm pretty much in the wrong no matter.
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