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[Pachimari]

Seriously, I need a little bit of feedback:

I have been with this girl for almost 1.5 months only, and to me there's too many problems. She is an au pair in Norway, I live my life in Denmark. My parents don't like her, and she want to hide in Norway which I do not support and I told her. She don't like her host family and want another family, but she is talking to like 3-4 different families at once, so I can't even follow.

Anyway, we have agreed to go to Sweden on Monday for Valentine week, but I don't have any feelings toward her, and I have found out I am by no means ready for a relationship. So we plan on staying at some family for 3 days next week, but we have to actually hide it, so my mother won't find out, but I'm not too fond of telling my mother a lie, even if it's a little lie. And now she want me to buy spring rolls and what not, and she even wanted us to stay at a hotel until I told her we have to stay at our "family's" place in Sweden. I have no job right now, so I won't spent money, my budget will shrink that way.

Another thing is, that she want to be in contact 24/7 on Skype, literally every day, all the time. And I want some private time and I can feel she don't like that, when I have told her that I'm doing my own stuff, and it's like she don't understand. Another thing is, that she is not that good in English, and many times don't understand what I'm writing/saying 100%.

To me it's clear, that this is nothing special and in fact I don't want to go on our trip that much, she just needs so much attention and I'm more like the type who could do with a relationship, were we actually have private time for ourselves. She even wants to sleep together on Skype and got sad, that I turned off the light in the middle of the night because it bothered me, she think I could just put a blanket over my head... =/

Am I too sensitive? To me, this is kind of too much. The only benefit of that trip is sex, but I don't want to be the type that just uses her for that purpose, it's not fair, what would you do? Would you go on that 3 day trip? I'm at the point where I have a hard time smiling on cam, and it's not fun, when my family don't even like her, and kicked her out of the house once. She keeps telling me to start at the gym (which I will at some point this year when I feel like it) and to get my own apartment, but I got so many projects going on, that I probably don't have time for all this chit chat every day.

Any inputs guys? I feel it's important because I feel I am too dumb, as to what to do and how to tell her.

 

[soultron]

Vent-Age (WARNING: Post may contain trace amounts of bitterness and hatred)

Some people may remember that I'm pretty bad with the ladies, mainly because of social anxiety.
Anyway, I decided it was time to grow a pair and asked a girl out. No big deal for most people but I'd rather wrestle a fully-grown tiger, armed with only a spear.

/snip

In the end, she told me she 'had a good time, even tho you really don't talk much'.
Ugh. Back to being a coward with women it is.

I don't get it. You were awesome, got a girl's number, and set up a date.

You then have a bad date, not because of your action, but because your date was clearly an idiot. If you feel she was hogging the conversation and an ungrateful complainer, you're allowed to -- during the date, no less -- decide that she's unattractive to you. If you don't think things are going well and really don't want to sit through the punishment, you're fully allowed to be bold and say, "Hey, I'd hate to stop you, but I really don't see anything happening between us. I'm going to head out."

If she takes offense to this, it's her problem. You're not leading her on and giving her hope for a second date or even forcing yourself to sit through it with an obligation to kiss her at the end of the night and feeling shitty when you don't. You're stopping either of you from wasting one another's time right then and there.

Do not let her saying that you didn't talk enough kill your confidence. She didn't give you a chance to talk and you already decided she wasn't attractive anyway. I'm going to give you the same piece of advice I give to people struggling with break ups: there are other girls out there, go find them. This one wasn't anything special, so don't let that deter you from finding one that is.

 

[Combine]

I don't get it. You were awesome, got a girl's number, and set up a date.

...

This one wasn't anything special, so don't let that deter you from finding one that is.

The mindset here though is, I think, that after spending so much time and effort trying to get close to a girl, only to have it go wrong, just makes the whole effort seem like a waste of time, and reaffirms any preconceived negative beliefs about yourself and girls in general (like "after all that, I still can't get it to work") and so on.

It's easy to say "there's plenty more out there", but when you are someone who this stuff doesn't come naturally or easy and have little/bad experiences dealing with women, that doesn't give much help.

 

[BoobPhysics101]

Vent-Age (WARNING: Post may contain trace amounts of bitterness and hatred)

Some people may remember that I'm pretty bad with the ladies, mainly because of social anxiety.
Anyway, I decided it was time to grow a pair and asked a girl out. No big deal for most people but I'd rather wrestle a fully-grown tiger, armed with only a spear.

So yeah, we met up for a coffee date. While things were fine at first, I soon noticed she was cutting me short all the time and generally talking without a pause.
I'm a talkative guy, but only when I feel at ease. So I basically sat there, occasionally throwing in a sentence or two when she let me, once again feeling like a complete fucking loser.
And holy fuck did she talk. Three main topics soon emerged: how awesomely smart she is, how she used to be bullied so much and how much sexual experience she has.
I was slightly weirded out by the first: I'm a fairly smart guy too but I don't shove it into everyone's face.
Appalled by the second: I was bullied too, and yet I don't complain to everyone. Stop acting like other people don't have any problems.
And disgusted by the third: yeah, I get it. You used to be fat, and guys didn't like you. Then you started not being fat and had lots of sex. Here, take this medal: "attention whore".
To top it all off, she mentioned how hard it is for women to conform to the concept of how a woman should look as seen in the media.
Well, I just threw in a remark about how it ain't easy for men either, because not every guy has a sixpack like the dudes in commercials.
Her reply basically amounted to: "Yeah, but to be slim women have to hunger, which is unhealthy. Any man can get a sixpack by working out, which is healthy too."
Yeah. I'm not even going to post my thoughts on that because I'd get banned again.

In the end, she told me she 'had a good time, even tho you really don't talk much'.
Ugh. Back to being a coward with women it is.

Dude, come on. She's a self-important little douchebag. Why are you going to let one immature, goofy chick ruin your whole perspective? I've gone out with quite a few girls like that and once you realize they love the smell of their asshole because their shit apparently doesn't stink, you can move on without regret. A girl like that is selfish and probably not ready for a relationship anyways.

It's depressing that you'd let one dumb-ass girl like that force you to retreat from being confident. Don't give up so easily.

The mindset here though is, I think, that after spending so much time and effort trying to get close to a girl, only to have it go wrong, just makes the whole effort seem like a waste of time, and reaffirms any preconceived negative beliefs about yourself and girls in general (like "after all that, I still can't get it to work") and so on.

It's easy to say "there's plenty more out there", but when you are someone who this stuff doesn't come naturally or easy and have little/bad experiences dealing with women, that doesn't give much help.

Wrong wrong wrong! Let me provide you an analogy that will clear this up.

Dating girls is like applying for and trying to get a job.

You send your application/resume. If interested, they talk to you a bit and set up an interview. You go on the interview. If you are the kind of person they want (regardless of whether or not you truly meet their qualifications) and you have a good rapport, they hire you. Sometimes you don't get call-backs for interviews. Sometimes the interviews go sour. Does this mean after one sour interview you give up on the job-hunt altogether?

NO! You keep looking and interviewing. And when you get the job you want, you enjoy it and make it work as long as you can. Sometimes that job doesn't work out and you take your experience elsewhere to a better job that you enjoy more, pays better, and has a healthier work environment with more perks.

If you want the reward, you deal with the frustration of the trial and error. If you're tired of being unemployed, you go get yourself employed, even if the road is bumpy and hazardous. If you'd like to stay unemployed, then do so, but don't complain about how hard it is to get a job if you give up before you even go the entire distance.

Get it?

 

[Combine]

It's depressing that you'd let one dumb-ass girl like that force you to retreat from being confident. Don't give up so easily.

I'm pretty sure the guy is plenty depressed already. Having to overcome so many hurdles only to have it fall apart at the very end would depress anyone. Well, anyone who doesn't have much luck with women especially.

 

[BoobPhysics101]

I'm pretty sure the guy is plenty depressed already. Having to overcome so many hurdles only to have it fall apart at the very end would depress anyone. Well, anyone who doesn't have much luck with women especially.

Then you move onto the next. Please read my above analogy.

 

[scar tissue]

The mindset here though is, I think, that after spending so much time and effort trying to get close to a girl, only to have it go wrong, just makes the whole effort seem like a waste of time, and reaffirms any preconceived negative beliefs about yourself and girls in general (like "after all that, I still can't get it to work") and so on.

It's easy to say "there's plenty more out there", but when you are someone who this stuff doesn't come naturally or easy and have little/bad experiences dealing with women, that doesn't give much help.

You took the words out of my mouth.
Whether it was my fault or not, once again I have nothing to show.
I had to work up a tremendous amount of courage to do this (other SA guys like you or Atramental might know what I'm talking about) and all my negative beliefs towards my success with women got reaffirmed.
I'm not even sad or crushed, I just don't really care for going through this kind of trouble again and again and again and again, for nothing.
I wish I could turn gay.

Edit:

Then you move onto the next. Please read my above analogy.

I get the analogy, but if your whole life was about how you won't ever get a job, you'd stop caring and trying sometime, no?
Especially if setting up and conducting an interview was a harrowing and soul-crushing experience. Maybe I'm being a bit overly dramatic here, because I'm feeling somewhat better about my SA lately, but it was still really, really hard for me.

 

[BoobPhysics101]

You took the words out of my mouth.
Whether it was my fault or not, once again I have nothing to show.
I had to work up a tremendous amount of courage to do this (other SA guys like you or Atramental might know what I'm talking about) and all my negative beliefs towards my success with women got reaffirmed.
I'm not even sad or crushed, I just don't really care for going through this kind of trouble again and again and again and again, for nothing.
I wish I could turn gay.

No! Read my above analogy PLEASE. If you can understand it, then you will understand what it is to date women and that it's not about the failures, it's about achieving success DESPITE the failures.

 

[Combine]

Dating girls is like applying for and trying to get a job.

Admittedly I glossed over everything else you wrote and focused on this.

But seriously? The job hunting process is one of the worst things to do these days. Not exactly a good motivator to get someone to go around dating. Bad analogy.

 

[ianp622]

The mindset here though is, I think, that after spending so much time and effort trying to get close to a girl, only to have it go wrong, just makes the whole effort seem like a waste of time, and reaffirms any preconceived negative beliefs about yourself and girls in general (like "after all that, I still can't get it to work") and so on.

It's easy to say "there's plenty more out there", but when you are someone who this stuff doesn't come naturally or easy and have little/bad experiences dealing with women, that doesn't give much help.

Having a bad date is wasting time? It's a fact of life. Each time you ask a girl out, it gets easier.

I can understand rejection getting you down, but if this experience makes you feel miserable, you should focus more on improving yourself. Make it so that your confidence comes naturally, and not like you're trying to put on a show. Dating shouldn't be that much of an effort.

 

[scar tissue]

No! Read my above analogy PLEASE. If you can understand it, then you will understand what it is to date women and that it's not about the failures, it's about achieving success DESPITE the failures.

See my edit. The way I feel, it'll take a few months until I've worked up the stamina for a date again. The whole thing drained part of my lifeforce, and I'm serious about this.
So 'normal' dating, i.e. dating a few different girls alongside, isn't going to work for me right now.
Next try: Q2/2012

Edit: I do appreciate the date for just having experienced it, tho. A girl thought I was "good enough" to go out with, that's a start.
Not much, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

 

[Pachimari]

.

 

[Combine]

Having a bad date is wasting time? It's a fact of life. Each time you ask a girl out, it gets easier.

I can understand rejection getting you down, but if this experience makes you feel miserable, you should focus more on improving yourself. Make it so that your confidence comes naturally, and not like you're trying to put on a show. Dating shouldn't be that much of an effort.

I'm pretty sure the whole reason these threads exist is because dating is a big effort to a lot of people. True, there are no doubt a lot of underlying issues with said people like myself that complicate things further.

But again, if you keep getting rejected and dating becomes more of a chore/hassle, what's the motivation to continue?

 

[soultron]

scar tissue:

You want to quit after one bad experience?

That'd be like having a learning disability, studying very hard for a test, failing, and then dropping out of school. Work harder as not to become a victim of circumstance.

I'm proud of you, scar tissue, for gathering the courage to ask this girl out, but I have no sympathy for you if you quit now -- mostly because it wasn't your fault this date didn't go well to begin with. You can't let this one girl make this decision for you; "all my negative beliefs towards my success with women got reaffirmed," because you should be in control of your mental thought processes.

You need to dig deep and fight past this. If you're capable of going through the stressful bits of gathering up the courage to ask a girl out, only to have a bad date, then I think you're capable of doing the first part (asking a girl out) until you land yourself squarely in an enjoyable date with a girl you have real chemistry with.

Combine:

If this becomes a chore/hassle, you're framing it in a negative context. You're placing too much internal pressure on yourself to succeed if you dread the more-than-likely outcome of failure. I still flop, to this day. I've failed more time than you and scar tissue combined, probably two times as much. Have I been in more relationships than you have? Definitely. But I got there because I forced myself to fail, over and over, until I learned to brush failure off like it was nothing. That said, I still get nervous when I ask girls out. I can't tell if a girl magically likes me or not when I decide I'm going up to her to talk or asking a girl for her number. But if I get turned down I laugh it off and calm my nerves, rather than thinking, "Shit, I'm just gonna pack it up and quit." I'm still learning stuff from this thread just as much as you are.

The motivation to continue is that you know, with every failure, each subsequent failure will be easier to overcome. And this sense of comfort with yourself doesn't come from a few failures. It comes from a lot. Also, like I said above, it comes from removing a sense that you must succeed. You need to ask yourself why you feel you must succeed. Is it because you feel you deserve that just for trying? Is it because you feel old? Is it because you're a virgin? Is it because you're balding and think women find you attractive less and less as time goes on and your hair starts to disappear? None of this matters to everyone (there will be a few people who it matters to, but those people aren't worth your time) but you, so you need to stop caring about it. Because when you care about it, other people start to as well. If you start making self-deprecating jokes over and over about your baldness or your weight or you still being a virgin, it becomes who you are to those people and you're constantly reminding them of this. I have friends who're overweight, older than I, balding, and so forth. But do you know what their girlfriends most likely see them as? Confident men who have their shit in order. They won't let anyone focus in on certain traits like their baldness, they instead confidently define themselves as successful business owners, personal trainers, or a guy choosing to go after his PhD. And the awesome thing is that a handful of these guys suffered from social anxiety or were really awkward guys when I first met them. They put in work and overcame whatever was in their way to achieving their goals.

I'm sure you can do the same. It's easy for me to say this, just as easy as it is for you to set a goal and then put in the hard work towards accomplishing it.

I'll be understanding of either of your situations of coping with social anxiety, but the one thing I won't do is sit here and let you commiserate and reinforce your respective urges to hole back up into what you're in this thread to get away from in the first place.

 

[BoobPhysics101]

Admittedly I glossed over everything else you wrote and focused on this.

But seriously? The job hunting process is one of the worst things to do these days. Not exactly a good motivator to get someone to go around dating. Bad analogy.

But GUESS WHAT? If you don't do the job hunting process, you DON'T GET A JOB. Just like a great job/career doesn't just fall into your lap and start paying you the big bucks, a great girl doesn't just fall into your arms and beg you to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her.

IT TAKES WORK. It takes wading through bullshit, frustrating moments with girls who you realize aren't compatible with you, it requires understanding that there are times where you feel like you've wasted your energy/time on something that didn't come to fruition. But that process is how you achieve success.

It teaches you what to look for, how to get it, and how to appreciate it.

You are negative and you couldn't even make the effort to read what I said and understand it as a different perspective of looking at a problem that you have resigned yourself to fail at. You won't even come to terms with the fact that opportunity can come right when you least expect it, but that you won't even be able to grab it if you're not even looking for it. Stop doing this to yourself, because it is a self-defeating vicious cycle.

See my edit. The way I feel, it'll take a few months until I've worked up the stamina for a date again. The whole thing drained part of my lifeforce, and I'm serious about this.
So 'normal' dating, i.e. dating a few different girls alongside, isn't going to work for me right now.
Next try: Q2/2012

Edit: I do appreciate the date for just having experienced it, tho. A girl thought I was "good enough" to go out with, that's a start.
Not much, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Stop. You are being overly dramatic about this. You need to laugh to yourself and think something along the lines of 'if this silly girl wanted to go out with me, then a girl that I can actually get along with and have a great time with will DEFINITELY want to go out with me when the chance comes.'

You are better than you think. If you give up now and go into dating-hibernation, you will lose your momentum and allow yourself to dwell in a defeated mindset. Why do that? It is like saying 'well, I have no water to drink, so I will just down this bottle of poison because it's better than venturing forth to find water.'

If you want to defeat yourself, then you can make the choice to do so. But you can also make the choice to understand that this date that didn't go anywhere is just a sign that you're on the right path and that you DO have what it takes to be successful in dating.

 

[Atramental]

See my edit. The way I feel, it'll take a few months until I've worked up the stamina for a date again. The whole thing drained part of my lifeforce, and I'm serious about this.
So 'normal' dating, i.e. dating a few different girls alongside, isn't going to work for me right now.
Next try: Q2/2012

Edit: I do appreciate the date for just having experienced it, tho. A girl thought I was "good enough" to go out with, that's a start.
Not much, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Yeah, I get where you're coming from when you say your "lifeforce" has been drained. Even normal social situations like school make me feel physically and emotionally drained.

But like everyone else is saying, you need to get back out there ASAP or you'll lose your momentum. Also, look it at it this way: If that self centered girl was able to go out with you then that means a less selfish girl would surely go out with you.

 

[Duderz]

GAF -

how long to wait before asking a girl out after a relationship she was in ended? He didn't treat her right which is why she broke it off after about a year. This happened a month ago. With Valentine's coming up, figured I'd try to make plans and see what happens. Earliest I'd ask her out would be if I see her tomorrow.

 

[Miguel]

Long-ish post ahead!:
"She's smoking hot, but 'cute'"

Two, I get the feeling that this girl has TONS of guys fighting over her all the time. It's just this gut feeling/suspicion I have. She's this super talented/attractive/smart photographer and I can't help but feel that there's major competition for this chick. So this is sort of a turn off/keeping me from taking things further too.

Quit making excuses. Any girl even remotely attractive will have a bunch of guys after her. You've got to show why you're better than them. It's not a "turn off", it's giving yourself an excuse to not pursue. Do it. Ask her to dinner.

Miguel, I don't know if I should give you a "Thank you" or a "Fuck you" because now I'm listening to your song (Somebody's watching me) nonstop... I'll give you a Thank you just because you seem a cool guy ;D Best of lucks with your next girl when you find her, you did well ditching your last one.

lol... since nowadays I'm going 24ish hours or more between posts in here, I may just do the song thing, since that's my general format for my blog entries whenever I do them. (I'll post some examples... but basically years ago on VH1 there used to be something called Insomniac Music Theatre, so I took that as my title, and anytime I write anything worthwhile in my blog, I will have music to accompany the post. It's fun, therapeutic, and relaxing even if the topic itself isn't.)

Seriously, I need a little bit of feedback, quote to read it:

Message hidden in email quote.


Any inputs guys? I feel it's important because I feel I am too dumb, as to what to do and how to tell her.

I'll humor you this time, but having to quote something to read it is a real easy way to not get a single reply. Hence why you quoted it. I've pulled no punches even after finding out someone was reading my posts, the thread starts off with "First and foremost, drop your ego if you feel embarrassed posting in here. We're here to help you and not to judge you."

She's clingy... majorly. Um... either get her to stop (unlikely), or decide whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. From what you said, you don't seem like you want to continue, but it's up to you to figure that out. You don't want people reading your situation, but if people are going to be replying to your situation, don't you think whoever you think may be reading this is going to piece it together anyway if you do get any replies? Kind of silly trying to hide something in public like this.

 

[Miguel]

GAF -

how long to wait before asking a girl out after a relationship she was in ended? He didn't treat her right which is why she broke it off after about a year. This happened a month ago. With Valentine's coming up, figured I'd try to make plans and see what happens. Earliest I'd ask her out would be if I see her tomorrow.

A month? You're about 59th in line right now. Go for it. Worst she can say is no.

 

[Combine]

Combine:

.....

First off I appreciate you taking the time to write all that out, as I'm sure most people here are thinking "why are you wasting your time with him? He never changes" and scoff and such.

One key point that I got out of reading all that was how you mentioned friends who had their stuff in order because they had "defined who they were". And I realized, soberingly, that I don't think I can define who I am. It feels like, for all the reasons you listed, that I cannot succeed a lot of times because the odds and such are stacked heavily against me. Sometimes I even question my motivations for continuously claiming I want to date/know a girl and if I am being sincere or not.

It sort of struck a chord with me trying to see if I could define myself and my own accomplishments, and coming up short there.

You are negative and you couldn't even make the effort to read what I said and understand it as a different perspective of looking at a problem that you have resigned yourself to fail at. You won't even come to terms with the fact that opportunity can come right when you least expect it, but that you won't even be able to grab it if you're not even looking for it. Stop doing this to yourself, because it is a self-defeating vicious cycle.

It struck close to home because having been unemployed for over a year at one point, and suffering through a job hunt which contributed to my deteriorating mental state (and put me back into the arms of the shrink/therapists and meds), it was not a pleasant thought to equate that to dating.

 

[soultron]

Seriously, I need a little bit of feedback, quote to read it:

Any inputs guys? I feel it's important because I feel I am too dumb, as to what to do and how to tell her.

You need to end this for your own sake. It's clearly stressing you out.

It doesn't really matter how you do it, but do it as soon as possible so you don't waste either of your time (or your money) going on that Valentine's day trip.

Sex being the only benefit of a proper relationship means it's a shitty relationship. You'll survive without it.

If she's really far away, I'd say giving her a phone call to end it is appropriate. I'm not one to recommend waiting to see her to drop bad news on you because all it does is make it harder for you (because you're given time to dwell on it, meaning you often make it harder to do when the time comes) and harder to stick with your decision if you're one to feel bad for a girl when she cries in front of you.

 

[Pachimari]

Edited.

 

[ianp622]

I'm pretty sure the whole reason these threads exist is because dating is a big effort to a lot of people. True, there are no doubt a lot of underlying issues with said people like myself that complicate things further.

But again, if you keep getting rejected and dating becomes more of a chore/hassle, what's the motivation to continue?

I don't know if this applies to everyone, but for me, dating is like a Chinese finger trap - the more effort I put into it, the worse it goes. When I'm actually looking for someone, I don't seem to have any luck. But when I think to myself, "Well, being single isn't so bad", and focus on improving my life, then I get lots of girls flirting with me. And NeoGAF has called me ugly in the past, so it's not all about looks. Women can pick up if a guy is trying too hard.

If you are completely happy with yourself, then you possess a quality that is undeniably attractive. A girl once called me "regal", and said, "I feel like I should call you Sir Ian" - that's what you should be going for - the je ne sais quoi.

Think of dating as an equal playing field - what can girls do to show that they're worth your time?

Keep in mind, I'm 22, and I was a virgin until a couple of months ago. In fact, I lost my virginity on my first date EVER. Did I fret about how to make myself look good, and go out of my way to impress my date? No, I was just myself. It worked because I spent the time others spent going on dates on improving myself - making myself successful and interesting. OKCupid is a good way of turning this to your advantage - you have your entire profile to convey just how excellent of a person you are.

 

[Duderz]

A month? You're about 59th in line right now. Go for it. Worst she can say is no.

Yeah, I just didn't want to get an excuse of "not ready to date right now"....which is still a no.

Here's hoping for a success story to post soon then. I try not to believe in leagues, but it they exist she's pretty cool.

 

[soultron]

how long to wait before asking a girl out after a relationship she was in ended? He didn't treat her right which is why she broke it off after about a year. This happened a month ago. With Valentine's coming up, figured I'd try to make plans and see what happens. Earliest I'd ask her out would be if I see her tomorrow.

A few things here.

Firstly, you realize that you're setting yourself up to be rebound material with this girl if she says yes, right? If you're okay with that, slay away. But if you're hoping for a real relationship with this girl (without an awkward beginning, even -- she might not be fully ready to date) you might be better of spending your time gambling. Haha. Don't let that discourage you, but just be realistic.

Secondly, two reasons you shouldn't wait for Valentine's; the first being that you should be striking ASAP and not waiting, and secondly doing something on Valentine's could blow up in your face depending on how she interprets the significance of Valentine's. She could take it as a sweet gesture and agree because she doesn't want to be alone on Valentine's day (especially in light of her recent break up) or she could think you want something super duper serious because you're planning something on Valentine's for her.

I'm overthinking things for you (especially with the second paragraph) but I'm saying all of this in the hopes that you'll ask her out now instead of next week.

Good luck, Duderz.

First off I appreciate you taking the time to write all that out, as I'm sure most people here are thinking "why are you wasting your time with him? He never changes" and scoff and such.

One key point that I got out of reading all that was how you mentioned friends who had their stuff in order because they had "defined who they were". And I realized, soberingly, that I don't think I can define who I am. It feels like, for all the reasons you listed, that I cannot succeed a lot of times because the odds and such are stacked heavily against me. Sometimes I even question my motivations for continuously claiming I want to date/know a girl and if I am being sincere or not.

It sort of struck a chord with me trying to see if I could define myself and my own accomplishments, and coming up short there.

You don't feel like you're able to define yourself and that's okay. Notice why I always recommend self-improvement? Dating and attracting girls is a fringe benefit that comes from improving, defining, and becoming more confident in yourself.

 

[Duderz]

A few things here.

Firstly, you realize that you're setting yourself up to be rebound material with this girl if she says yes, right? If you're okay with that, slay away. But if you're hoping for a real relationship with this girl (without an awkward beginning, even -- she might not be fully ready to date) you might be better of spending your time gambling. Haha. Don't let that discourage you, but just be realistic.

Secondly, two reasons you shouldn't wait for Valentine's; the first being that you should be striking ASAP and not waiting, and secondly doing something on Valentine's could blow up in your face depending on how she interprets the significance of Valentine's. She could take it as a sweet gesture and agree because she doesn't want to be alone on Valentine's day (especially in light of her recent break up) or she could think you want something super duper serious because you're planning something on Valentine's for her.

I'm overthinking things for you (especially with the second paragraph) but I'm saying all of this in the hopes that you'll ask her out now instead of next week.

Good luck, Duderz.

So then how do I not set myself up for being a rebound? I'm more looking for a relationship with this girl, not just an in-n-out fling, which is why I've been waiting a while to (finally) make a move. A month seemed a little fast, but now I don't know.

 

[ianp622]

A month? You're about 59th in line right now. Go for it. Worst she can say is no.

Actually, the worst she can do is string you along, saying she's not ready for a relationship, but ask why you never start conversations and press you to reveal your innermost secrets, And then, after you become completely infatuated with her, she will cut off all contact with you.

Not that I have any experience with that.

 

[Pachimari]

Edited.

 

[Duderz]

Actually, the worst she can do is string you along, saying she's not ready for a relationship, but ask why you never start conversations and press you to reveal your innermost secrets, And then, after you become completely infatuated with her, she will cut off all contact with you.

Not that I have any experience with that.

She most definitely doesn't strike me as that kind of person, but I'm sorry you went through that. If it helps, her problems are probably too deep to be in a healthy relationship with.

 

[Combine]

You don't feel like you're able to define yourself and that's okay. Notice why I always recommend self-improvement? Dating and attracting girls is a fringe benefit that comes from improving, defining, and becoming more confident in yourself.

I suppose there is confusion here. Because, there are times when I think I've improved and don't feel I am going out of my way to "try to hard" or overcompensate. I mostly just act normal where I go, but that doesn't seem to attract anyone. So I begin to wonder what "normal" is, then I start doubting myself and second guessing whether I am right or not, and it goes on and on from there.

Because I have never had any success, I am therefore unable to define what success is. Perhaps I care too much when I shouldn't care at all. That said, I have no clue what to do to attract people. A big part of the reason I am always uncertain is that I never feel like I "belong" within a group of people. That I have anything to contribute or am otherwise needed.

 

[ianp622]

She most definitely doesn't strike me as that kind of person, but I'm sorry you went through that. If it helps, her problems are probably too deep to be in a healthy relationship with.

Yeah, I didn't think that at first either :/

It's okay, it's all good on my end now. I know it wouldn't have gone well, but try telling my brain that.

Not saying you shouldn't go for it, but just tread carefully.

 

[Miguel]

but we are not allowed to take pictures at night.

Wat?

because apparently we are in family (related) in their culture, but not in my culture, so it's too complicated for me.

Wat? x1000

 

[scar tissue]

scar tissue:

You want to quit after one bad experience?

That'd be like having a learning disability, studying very hard for a test, failing, and then dropping out of school. Work harder as not to become a victim of circumstance.

I'm proud of you, scar tissue, for gathering the courage to ask this girl out, but I have no sympathy for you if you quit now -- mostly because it wasn't your fault this date didn't go well to begin with. You can't let this one girl make this decision for you; "all my negative beliefs towards my success with women got reaffirmed," because you should be in control of your mental thought processes.

You need to dig deep and fight past this. If you're capable of going through the stressful bits of gathering up the courage to ask a girl out, only to have a bad date, then I think you're capable of doing the first part (asking a girl out) until you land yourself squarely in an enjoyable date with a girl you have real chemistry with.

Stop. You are being overly dramatic about this. You need to laugh to yourself and think something along the lines of 'if this silly girl wanted to go out with me, then a girl that I can actually get along with and have a great time with will DEFINITELY want to go out with me when the chance comes.'

You are better than you think. If you give up now and go into dating-hibernation, you will lose your momentum and allow yourself to dwell in a defeated mindset. Why do that? It is like saying 'well, I have no water to drink, so I will just down this bottle of poison because it's better than venturing forth to find water.'

If you want to defeat yourself, then you can make the choice to do so. But you can also make the choice to understand that this date that didn't go anywhere is just a sign that you're on the right path and that you DO have what it takes to be successful in dating.

Yeah, I get where you're coming from when you say your "lifeforce" has been drained. Even normal social situations like school make me feel physically and emotionally drained.

But like everyone else is saying, you need to get back out there ASAP or you'll lose your momentum. Also, look it at it this way: If that self centered girl was able to go out with you then that means a less selfish girl would surely go out with you.

Thanks for the kind and motivating words, guys. I'll try to keep up the momentum, but frankly, I'm not sure I can handle the workload of being a student, working part-time, combating my social anxiety, trying to keep and expand my social circles AND dating.
I've got the time to do it (e.g.: I could just do it instead of posting on GAF) but everything that has to do with people I don't know well saps the lifeforce out of me. So apart from hanging with friends or studying at home, all of this stuff makes me tired, and I have to spend the remainder of my time alone to regenerate.

Combine: I might called be a fool for this by some, but I still believe in you. You might not have done a 180 on your life during your ban, but you can still be proud of what you improved: you have a job and are facing your fears in therapy again.

Atramental: How's your SA going? You haven't uploaded anything on yt for a while.

 

[Charmicarmicat]

I suppose there is confusion here. Because, there are times when I think I've improved and don't feel I am going out of my way to "try to hard" or overcompensate. I mostly just act normal where I go, but that doesn't seem to attract anyone. So I begin to wonder what "normal" is, then I start doubting myself and second guessing whether I am right or not, and it goes on and on from there.

Because I have never had any success, I am therefore unable to define what success is. Perhaps I care too much when I shouldn't care at all. That said, I have no clue what to do to attract people. A big part of the reason I am always uncertain is that I never feel like I "belong" within a group of people. That I have anything to contribute or am otherwise needed.

This is me, absolutely, and I know how awful it feels, so at least know you aren't alone in that struggle. I went to the doctor for anxiety medication and this seemed to help quite a bit, I actually came off them and feel that feeling returning so I'm probably going to go back and be put on them again. My 9-year relationship is effectively over so I will need all the help I can get now heh.

 

[ianp622]

Thanks for the kind and motivating words, guys. I'll try to keep up the momentum, but frankly, I'm not sure I can handle the workload of being a student, working part-time, combating my social anxiety, trying to keep and expand my social circles AND dating.
I've got the time to do it (e.g.: I could just do it instead of posting on GAF) but everything that has to do with people I don't know well saps the lifeforce out of me. So apart from hanging with friends or studying at home, all of this stuff makes me tired, and I have to spend the remainder of my time alone to regenerate.

Combine: I might called be a fool for this by some, but I still believe in you. You might not have done a 180 on your life during your ban, but you can still be proud of what you improved: you have a job and are facing your fears in therapy again.

Atramental: How's your SA going? You haven't uploaded anything on yt for a while.

Have you tried OKCupid?

 

[Pachimari]

Wat?



Wat? x1000

We are not allowed to take pictures there at my aunts place, because they don't want my parents to know that we are sleeping there.

The other thing is, that in their culture, she is my aunt, but in our European culture we are not related at all. And so the family is split on this issue, as the Danish side supports it, while the other side of the family are pissed off.

 

[Ghost_Protocol]

But GUESS WHAT? If you don't do the job hunting process, you DON'T GET A JOB. Just like a great job/career doesn't just fall into your lap and start paying you the big bucks, a great girl doesn't just fall into your arms and beg you to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her.

IT TAKES WORK. It takes wading through bullshit, frustrating moments with girls who you realize aren't compatible with you, it requires understanding that there are times where you feel like you've wasted your energy/time on something that didn't come to fruition. But that process is how you achieve success.

It teaches you what to look for, how to get it, and how to appreciate it.

Somebody add this to the OT, because it's so goddamn true.

 

[scar tissue]

Have you tried OKCupid?

I'm not from the US, and while OKcupid exists over here, there are very few people on there.
Tried other online dating sites but people my age (~20) on dating sites tend to be stupid as fuck. Never got an actual date out of it.

 

[soultron]

It sure is stressing me out, why everything should be so complicated, when in fact, I'm such an uncomplicated lad, who just want to enjoy life. She tells me not to get drunk which is okay, but it annoys me she did not listen to me when I asked her the same thing at my Father's birthday. And she always talk about my exes because she know one of them apparently, and talk bad about her own ex, which could be me someday and I don't like that - when people talk bad about others.

She don't understand why I don't go to church, but I am really not into it. I don't understand why she wanted me to order hotel here in Denmark, it's not fun going to hotel in my own city. So now we are supposed to go to Sweden, but we are not allowed to take pictures at night. And all of them expect me to tell my mother we are going somewhere else, when I have a hard time even lying a little bit to my dear mother. There's a lot of drama in the family because of our relationship, because apparently we are in family (related) in their culture, but not in my culture, so it's too complicated for me. I asked her twice one time as to what she meant with "when we are not together anymore", why she said that, because to me it sounds like it's not something she even think is a lasting relationship. Everything tells me to quit, but some piece of me wants this Sweden trip, another don't. I'll think about your advices, thanks a lot guys.

Lots and lots of red flags, my friend.

Bail out as fast as you can.

 

[Atramental]

Atramental: How's your SA going? You haven't uploaded anything on yt for a while.

I'm... improving. I'm able to maintain eye contact with people (especially girls) for a lot longer and I'm getting better at starting conversations with people. Plus, I'm going out for some drinks with Dragon, a fellow gaffer, this Friday.

As for my YT channel, I've just been too busy with school work to make a new video.

 

[Pachimari]

Edited.

 

[scar tissue]

I'm... improving. I'm able to maintain eye contact with people (especially girls) for a lot longer and I'm getting better at starting conversations with people. Plus, I'm going out for some drinks with Dragon, a fellow gaffer, this Friday.

As for my YT channel, I've just been too busy with school work to make a new video.

Sounds good, almost like a breakthrough is imminent.

 

[Cubsfan23]

Dating girls is like applying for and trying to get a job.

You send your application/resume. If interested, they talk to you a bit and set up an interview. You go on the interview. If you are the kind of person they want (regardless of whether or not you truly meet their qualifications) and you have a good rapport, they hire you. Sometimes you don't get call-backs for interviews. Sometimes the interviews go sour. Does this mean after one sour interview you give up on the job-hunt altogether?

why not reverse your thinking and have it the other way around?

 

[Almond]

This is me, absolutely, and I know how awful it feels, so at least know you aren't alone in that struggle. I went to the doctor for anxiety medication and this seemed to help quite a bit, I actually came off them and feel that feeling returning so I'm probably going to go back and be put on them again. My 9-year relationship is effectively over so I will need all the help I can get now heh.

I know I probably don't belong in here, but I wanted to say that I also relate to what you quoted and all the Social Anxiety issues Atramental, Combine and scar tissue and whatever others have mentioned. You all seem like decent guys from what little I've seen and I'm sure with practice and work you'll be successful.

 

[Atramental]

Sounds good, almost like a breakthrough is imminent.

Yeah, I definitely feel a lot closer to a breakthrough than I did a couple of months ago.

There's still a couple of things that are holding me back though. School work, religious parents, living at home, and low self esteem due to my physical appearance (being bald and not being as physically fit as I want to be).

Once my work load dies down a bit I'll be able to work out some more but it's going to be a while before that happens.

 

[nHDR]

Back to being a coward with women it is.

You are viewing this ALL wrong, ok? Given that you know you're bad with women this was a HUGE leap for you. Seriously. Going back to being a coward is exactly the worst thing for you to do. Was this your first date ever? You honestly weren't expecting it to be perfect, right?

Take your momentum and find another girl. This previous one sounds like a shallow idiot. View this in a positive: you got over the fear of talking to women!

To Anastacio: My friend, I encourage you to END ALL connections you have to this girl. She sounds like trouble and an attention whore. A girl who truly likes you wouldn't tell you to not drink, buy an apartment, and go do other things you may not be ready for. She sounds like a demanding gold-digger. I truly advise you to BAIL out immediately. Just call her and say, "We're done, I'm sorry. Nice knowing you."

 

[ianp622]

why not reverse your thinking and have it the other way around?

That's my philosophy, usually. Although a woman's "application" isn't usually going to be asking you out on a date. It's usually, "Oh, I am casually wrapping my hands around you arm for some reason!"

Usually.

 

[scar tissue]

You are viewing this ALL wrong, ok? Given that you know you're bad with women this was a HUGE leap for you. Seriously. Going back to being a coward is exactly the worst thing for you to do. Was this your first date ever? You honestly weren't expecting it to be perfect, right?

Take your momentum and find another girl. This previous one sounds like a shallow idiot. View this in a positive: you got over the fear of talking to women!

Yeah, I'd say this was the first date I ever had. I did meet up with a girl in my teens, but I'm pretty sure she had already firmly friendzoned me and didn't view it as a date.

On a rational level, I knew it would most likely amount to nothing.
But subconsciously, I expected a payoff. If the road to something is so damn hard, you just expect something in return or you wind up disappointed.

Anyway, I do think you guys are right, I have to keep going.
But I'm not sure when I'll meet the next girl - this one I met over mutual friends, and that is a notoriously unreliable way. The next one might appear in a week...or a year.
But I really don't think I'm ready for approaching girls I don't know, so this and online dating (ugh) are my only options now.

 

[nHDR]

I hear you on expecting a payoff, but you have to stop that. If you're able to go out there without expecting anything, you won't be disappointed. Hell, you may even have fun! Women will not always reward your work, they're people and cannot be controlled or their moves predicted.

Keep trying!

 

[Hypereides]

Seriously, I need a little bit of feedback:

I have been with this girl for almost 1.5 months only, and to me there's too many problems. She is an au pair in Norway, I live my life in Denmark. My parents don't like her, and she want to hide in Norway which I do not support and I told her. She don't like her host family and want another family, but she is talking to like 3-4 different families at once, so I can't even follow.

Anyway, we have agreed to go to Sweden on Monday for Valentine week, but I don't have any feelings toward her, and I have found out I am by no means ready for a relationship. So we plan on staying at some family for 3 days next week, but we have to actually hide it, so my mother won't find out, but I'm not too fond of telling my mother a lie, even if it's a little lie. And now she want me to buy spring rolls and what not, and she even wanted us to stay at a hotel until I told her we have to stay at our "family's" place in Sweden. I have no job right now, so I won't spent money, my budget will shrink that way.

Another thing is, that she want to be in contact 24/7 on Skype, literally every day, all the time. And I want some private time and I can feel she don't like that, when I have told her that I'm doing my own stuff, and it's like she don't understand. Another thing is, that she is not that good in English, and many times don't understand what I'm writing/saying 100%.

To me it's clear, that this is nothing special and in fact I don't want to go on our trip that much, she just needs so much attention and I'm more like the type who could do with a relationship, were we actually have private time for ourselves. She even wants to sleep together on Skype and got sad, that I turned off the light in the middle of the night because it bothered me, she think I could just put a blanket over my head... =/

Am I too sensitive? To me, this is kind of too much. The only benefit of that trip is sex, but I don't want to be the type that just uses her for that purpose, it's not fair, what would you do? Would you go on that 3 day trip? I'm at the point where I have a hard time smiling on cam, and it's not fun, when my family don't even like her, and kicked her out of the house once. She keeps telling me to start at the gym (which I will at some point this year when I feel like it) and to get my own apartment, but I got so many projects going on, that I probably don't have time for all this chit chat every day.

Any inputs guys? I feel it's important because I feel I am too dumb, as to what to do and how to tell her.

Let me say it danish:

Jeg tror det på tide du pakker sammen og flygter for livet. Du bliver nødtil at fortælle hende det personligt hvis du kan, ellers gøre det på den mest personlige måde du kan.

Hun begynder at overtage dit liv, og det skal du ikke være med til.