Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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Pretty much what happened with me.
Be glad you're in college and make use of it, you'll be fine! I still regret getting essentially nowhere in college, and it upsets me... :/
I can't shake the past and it's really not doing any favours.
Ughhhhh. I just got done with a convo over facebook with a girl I seriously want sexual relations with. No relationship, she's fucking crazy, but I'd give everything just for the sex. Anyways, halfway through the conversation she casually slips in mention of "her boy". She definitely doesn't have a kid...
That's like the universal "not gonna happen" signal. I know it is, I'm not here asking what it means. I'm just here because fuck everything.
That's like the universal "not gonna happen" signal. I know it is, I'm not here asking what it means. I'm just here because fuck everything.
Yep, just find someone else, probably more trouble than it's worth.
CF_Fighter
Member
Well this girl dropped a bomb on me tonight. In late May she is moving back up to her parents and then making the jump to NOLA where she feels her heart is in terms of where she really wants to live. I told her we'll just keep hanging out and having fun like we have been and she was very agreeable to that, saying she's been really enjoying our time together. It was definitely a punch to the gut in some aspects because this girl is so fantastic so far and there is an end to what we've got going on now, granted it's 3 months away. But, after I thought about it there are somethings that would prove to be roadblocks, one of which being religious beliefs, had this gone any further, if further was an option, which it isn't. Still with all that going on tonight we still have plans for her to come over for dinner in the middle of the week and to watch a movie.
So my girlfriend and I attempted to have sex for the first time tonight. We're both virgins so it was completely new for the both of us, but I've been masturbating and watching porn for years whereas she's only recently become sexually active with herself. Anyway, it didn't work out as planned. If we weren't struggling to get the angle right, reapplying lube, or pulling out due to too much pain, I was struggling to stay hard. Is it normal for first timers to have such a difficult time working it out properly? It had been at least three days since I last hacked, it just seems so odd to have to work so hard to stay hard. I guess I was more concerned for her and her discomfort than I was for myself and our intentions. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing because we supported each other and talked about it afterward with intent to make another attempt soon, it's just a bit frustrating.
Does dating-gaf have any advice for first time sexers?
Does dating-gaf have any advice for first time sexers?
Etrian Oddity
Member
I kinda wish I had the time to get back into a workout rhythm again, but with my schedule there's literally no time in the day if I want to do everything I need to do and get 6 hours of sleep.
Ah well. I may have gotten chubby since last summer, but I've seen way uglier/fatter guys with me with total catches, so looks aren't my main problem.
Ah well. I may have gotten chubby since last summer, but I've seen way uglier/fatter guys with me with total catches, so looks aren't my main problem.
Stop masturbating so much.
I mean it. Literally stop jerking off for 2 weeks.
As for her, she was probably all nervous as it was her first time and wasn't turned on. When a girl is turned on it's really obvious.
edit: apparently my ex went through my post history on another forum we're both on, and was like "i feel betrayed because I missed my ex and he's a different person"
I am both highly amused and I feel somewhat liberated that I don't have to pander to her anymore. If I want to do things I enjoy, I'm going to do them and fuck what anyone else thinks of me. I gave up a lot of my personal interests so that she wouldn't leave me and because I kept doing things for her, because she wanted them, I lost a lot of my own self respect and my own self image has been shredded to pieces. I'm working on fixing those lately.
I know that feel bro. The main issue with mine was the fact that I was an Atheist and she was a Christian. I decided about a year ago to be honest and tell her about my change in beliefs. She took it at first like "Okaaaay." Then she joined Chi Alpha (college Christian group) and shit went downhill from there. We had a fight about 3 weeks ago, she wanted a "break", and at the end of that break she told me (via TEXT MESSAGE) that we were done. It was a 5.5 year relationship. I was heartbroken to say the least, but I feel somewhat better that it's over now.
I realized that I was only staying with her because I didn't want to be alone, and that I could easily find someone better, at least I hope I can. Everyone else tells me I deserve better than her.
BronzeWolf
Banned
Bold is pretty shitty thing to suffer. A girl that loves you and respects you lets you do your own thing. NEVER EVER feel like you have to give up something you love because your girl might leave you. That's the first step towards losing the girl. I believe that's outright male abuse, it's not so far from plain old female abuse
She did you a fucking favor man. You will find someone that you won't feel like defending yourself from
AdventureRacing
Member
This sounds so much like what just happened to me (4 year relationship broken up via text after a break).
I'm basically going through the exact same feelings and thought process as you right now.
Oh my god yes, I was always having to be defensive around her in either my opinions or suggestions. I would just get insulted because I was either stupid or ignorant or whatever the reason she'd bemoan to me of me. So I eventually stopped talking to her about those things until the conversations were just reused shit instead of something interesting because I could never say shit to her without her getting upset at me unless it was something SHE liked.
Then she complains at the end how our conversations weren't "stimulating" or whatever the word was she used. HERP DERP
TheSchwab_7
Member
The first time I had sex I couldn't keep it up. It's probably just cause of the pressure. Don't worry about it. Keep on practicing and eventually there won't be a problem. May also want to lay off the porn for awhile.
Also, is there any point to online dating? I've tried POF and OKcupid and have only been on one date from them combined. I think I'm good looking enough to attract some women but I've been on a cold streak lately. Very few respond to my messages at all and I make them different from the usual "hey what's up?"
I admit I looked on POF once.....I didn't go back after that. There's something wrong with the prevalent body type in your area is "BBW" or "A few extra pounds (and the girls under this one looked about the size of the girls under the "BBW" category)". In addition to that, looking at the rest of them, I realized there's a reason why all these people are on here, and I'm not going to be here for the same reason: I can't find someone in real life.
Sure, some people have mass success stories with online dating. I will not be one of them, it's just not for me.
OrangeGrayBlue
Member
So gaf, I was on set for a music video shoot last Saturday. We were supposed to be "club-goers". You know, typical music video. I saw this girl there who wasn't talking to anyone and her attire wasn't really aligned with everyone else's. The other girls were wearing these tight dresses and 4-6 inch heels. She was wearing this flowy shirt and trendy boots. She obviously stood out not only visually but also in her composure as I watched her through out the evening. Some other guys on the shoot who were absolute bros were saying things to each other, but near her and loudly, with the obvious intent of saying something that would catch her interest because even in her not-very-club attire she was stunningly attractive. She paid them absolutely no mind which made me even more interested. It's kind of funny how this music video shoot so closely mirrored a real club experience.
Toward the end of the night as we were all about to leave and waiting in line to be signed out, I made some mildly-funny remark (I don't remember exactly what) to gauge her interest in talking to me. She responded to whatever it was that I said and I made a very deliberate point to speak to her as a real person, which is something that the group of bros who were taller, more muscular, and more alpha-maley than me failed to do. Those bros ultimately watched the two of us walk away in conversation together whilst I got her full name and told her I'd add her on facebook (to which she playfully responded that I wouldn't remember her name like it was a challenge) and after adding her on facebook she initiated conversation with me, saying "Oh, you remembered after all
I'm impressed!"
Fast forward through a few days and an awkward text exchange where I almost blew it and we now have plans to celebrate Valentine's day together
Toward the end of the night as we were all about to leave and waiting in line to be signed out, I made some mildly-funny remark (I don't remember exactly what) to gauge her interest in talking to me. She responded to whatever it was that I said and I made a very deliberate point to speak to her as a real person, which is something that the group of bros who were taller, more muscular, and more alpha-maley than me failed to do. Those bros ultimately watched the two of us walk away in conversation together whilst I got her full name and told her I'd add her on facebook (to which she playfully responded that I wouldn't remember her name like it was a challenge) and after adding her on facebook she initiated conversation with me, saying "Oh, you remembered after all
I'm impressed!"Fast forward through a few days and an awkward text exchange where I almost blew it and we now have plans to celebrate Valentine's day together
OrangeGrayBlue
Member
My initial reaction was to say that you should breathe and make sure you're thinking this through... but she sounds kind of awful. I would definitely end it and then go on vacation alone like this:
Hypereides
Member
FUCK
I had a GREAT opportunity with this gorgeous norwegian girl last night. She was even taller than me. Model-like. I have a thing for amazons wierdly enough. I took her hand, we danced, and everywhere I pulled her she complied. But I went in for the kiss too early and fucked it up. FUCK. Fuck YOU alcohol influence!
A friend of mine actually wanted me to introduce him to her, . which I did. But in a half-assed way which eventually worked against him. That and hes too shy. He wants women serve themselves on a silverplatter. Not gonna happen.
But she was showing clear signs of interest and even told me "I cant figure you out..." in a lightly flirtacious manner.
Oh. And this african woman and white girl, delibrately came onto me. Wasnt interested in neither of them. They were cute, but not that cute.
I talked and danced with the white girl for a while, even picked her up fireman style. Girls tend to love it for some reason. She was digging my red/black lumberjack shirt alot. Later her friends had to leave and she leans in and tells me she needs a reason to stay, insuating its my last chance to kiss her. Yeaaah no. Not gonna happen lady. Instead I said I'll talk to her another time.
The african woman was a fucking pervert! She was sensually/sexually, Rubbing her ass against mine while I was talking to a DJ friend and some other people. Trying to get my attention. Then later on, she ran a finger in between my legs, up between my ass cheeks. Sexual fucking harrasment. She bought me a tequila shot in atempt to get me drunk (?), but I gave it away to my friend. Later on she gave up on me. VICTOLY!
Also... that awkward moment when the DJ is playing a Whitney Houston song, and the news of her death break out. Freaky..
Either way. Interesting night.
Yeah, I know. Shouldve done it there and then. But I was haunted by a heart break. My dick had fallen off, and shriveled into a vagina, . Unmanly and not sexy :/
I shouldve flirted with her, and teased her. Instead I acted like a pathetic sheep and followed my masters every move.
Theres still a chance to salvage this chick, though.
EDIT: Oh, and yeah, I'll post some FPUA blogs a bit later.
I had a GREAT opportunity with this gorgeous norwegian girl last night. She was even taller than me. Model-like. I have a thing for amazons wierdly enough. I took her hand, we danced, and everywhere I pulled her she complied. But I went in for the kiss too early and fucked it up. FUCK. Fuck YOU alcohol influence!
A friend of mine actually wanted me to introduce him to her, . which I did. But in a half-assed way which eventually worked against him. That and hes too shy. He wants women serve themselves on a silverplatter. Not gonna happen.
But she was showing clear signs of interest and even told me "I cant figure you out..." in a lightly flirtacious manner.
Oh. And this african woman and white girl, delibrately came onto me. Wasnt interested in neither of them. They were cute, but not that cute.
I talked and danced with the white girl for a while, even picked her up fireman style. Girls tend to love it for some reason. She was digging my red/black lumberjack shirt alot. Later her friends had to leave and she leans in and tells me she needs a reason to stay, insuating its my last chance to kiss her. Yeaaah no. Not gonna happen lady. Instead I said I'll talk to her another time.
The african woman was a fucking pervert! She was sensually/sexually, Rubbing her ass against mine while I was talking to a DJ friend and some other people. Trying to get my attention. Then later on, she ran a finger in between my legs, up between my ass cheeks. Sexual fucking harrasment. She bought me a tequila shot in atempt to get me drunk (?), but I gave it away to my friend. Later on she gave up on me. VICTOLY!
Also... that awkward moment when the DJ is playing a Whitney Houston song, and the news of her death break out. Freaky..
Either way. Interesting night.
Hey, post some links to those FPUA blogsThat sounds interesting.
Edit: Interesting spoilers
Yeah, I know. Shouldve done it there and then. But I was haunted by a heart break. My dick had fallen off, and shriveled into a vagina, . Unmanly and not sexy :/
I shouldve flirted with her, and teased her. Instead I acted like a pathetic sheep and followed my masters every move.
Theres still a chance to salvage this chick, though.
EDIT: Oh, and yeah, I'll post some FPUA blogs a bit later.
Hypereides
Member
Listening to it now.
Edit:
It's like my head is totally dumb fucked right now, that it's so stupid it won't understand the most logic of things.
What happens if I break up now (literally 18 hours before the trip) ? Well, no trip away from home, no sex, no boring walks in the snow and pretending I love and madness coming toward me from her through SMS'ing, but I could turn off my phone for 3 days.
Though, I receive my first Kindle on Monday, so I could read a book and away from reality for some hours.
The reason I'm sticking to her, could probably be, that somewhere inside me, I love travelling and getting around places. But most probable, that she is my only contact outside my family.
Maybe, somehow I could make this trip good for me personally, and then let it be her problem, if it's not gonna be some romantic valentine's day.
Mr Touchdown
Member
Just read the past few pages of this thread. You guys in here are doing good work for those of us who lack the confidence as of now. I've just recently come out of the whole under-confident mess I used to be and am really enjoying my nights out looking for ladies. I will hope to be of some assistance in here and to share some fun stories too.
Also, you can never have too many tips on these kinds of things
Also, you can never have too many tips on these kinds of things
Hypereides
Member
Cut the ties already. Your rant is the proof of that. Youre completely mindfucked.
Just call her up, tell her this deal isnt working out for you, and its done.
-------------------
I have to go back to sleep, Im still feeling a daze of alcohol. Urgh
I obviously can't read 39 pages but I did read the OP. The thing that's bugging me, other than my approach anxiety, is when I muster the courage to go to a girl in a bar or a club and talk with her, I have no idea what to say or how to start a conversation. I try but I find girls immediately turn away and leave.
Any one here been thru this? How did you over come this? What did you do to make girl interested in you instead of turning around and leaving?
The only times I got girls is when the girl approached me, but the reverse never worked for me. I can't sit and wait to be picked up by a girl.
I live in Japan and been on a dry spell for 7 months.
Any one here been thru this? How did you over come this? What did you do to make girl interested in you instead of turning around and leaving?
The only times I got girls is when the girl approached me, but the reverse never worked for me. I can't sit and wait to be picked up by a girl.
I live in Japan and been on a dry spell for 7 months.
Analytical
Banned
I assumed you would turn into Charisma Man once you got into Japan
You are who you are. Changing countries might help but not by much. I am much more social and much less of a nerd than before but still... I barely managed to overcome my approach anxiety when talking to other men. I don't know why I'm afraid of approaching people :\
What do you talk about with your friends? If it's something you don't think she'll be interested in, then broaden your knowledge about the world, your interests, other hobbies, etc. Ask her what she's interested in, and use that as a jumping point.
Of course, you might be the most interesting person in the world, but if you don't treat women as equal human beings, then you're going to freeze up. Don't think of them as a "prize". Remember, she's going to have to be interesting enough to you, right?
Christ, I still haven't told her, but I'm trying to, I just need to grow a pair of balls in the coming few hours.
I'm so confused, my head down there tell me to go go go, while rationally I think it's a bad relationship and I know it for sure will end.
But I also grew up with my best "friend" being my boss, constantly doing what he told me to. Since I were six, I let him tie me with handcuffs etc, and that's probably something that's still in me, which makes it hard for me to let go when I don't like my relationship, dunno.
Besides this, I can feel my mother is affected by me going with her to Sweden, so I probably want to end my relationship within the next 3 hours.
Dahellisdat
Member
you will surely enjoy your trip more if you make it a recovery period from this inevitable breakup than if you make it a miserable trip while you're carrying this burden of knowing its going to end the entire time. It is going to suck breaking up......it always does. For your sake though, it must be done. This is your life and you have to live it in a way that brings you the most happiness.
also, travel is one of the finest therapies in existence after a crappy breakup.
Depends who I'm talking with. With some I talk international politics with others I talk technology. I'm not really into sports and I don't know much about pop culture. I follow the news, just not interested at all in celebrities, I don't even know who is popular today.
So simply don't put them on a pedestal. But how would I start a conversation? Just like with guys? Are women even interested in politics, religion, civil rights, technology, science? Yesterday I met some Navy men and the conversation immediately became about US foreign policy and my -and their to my surprise- opposition to the wars. Last time I went on a date with a girl I talked about the Euro Crisis. Never heard from her again. We did go to a zoo and an arcade, we had some fun, but I never managed to bring up interesting topics with her :\
BronzeWolf
Banned
I have a hard time believing this story, because it seems too good to be true but on the other side, it would completely rock if it were true! Congratulations on that bro!Fast forward through a few days and an awkward text exchange where I almost blew it and we now have plans to celebrate Valentine's day together
FUCK CULTURE! YOU PUT THAT GOD DAMN FUCKING RUBBER ON YOUR PENIS EVERY TIME!!!
On the other hand, congratulations on ending your atrocious relationship, it was due time
You need to craft yourself an anecdote. Something fun happened to you lately? Did you fall skying? Did some kid kancho you? Hurry! tell us 3 anecdotes! This will be your raw material, and we will develop it further.
BronzeWolf
Banned
No politics and religion. You can talk science and technology but in such ways that enhance your "cute dorky side". You don't want to fill them up with data, you want them to feel entertained and interested in your life for who you are, not what you know.
Bad approach:
"So I work at a lab and I my job consists in measuring the AphD level in appoproetins B that conglomerate in the complex system..."
"ohh that's so interesting .___." zzzZZZzzzz boring
Good approach:
"So I work at a lab right? and the other day some new kid dropped the pink dye on my shoes and that thing does not wear off! I had to walk with pink shoes all week long!"
"really? you work at a lab? what do you do?"
Your anecdotes should give them hooks to latch questions on if they are interested in what you do in your life
Best advice I've heard. I need me some stories.
I'm in a high performance computing lab. Not much goes around.
BronzeWolf said:
Can I make stuff up? I'm good at making stories up. My life is not that interesting :\ But I guess feeling that way about it means I gotta fix it.
This is basically what happened to me earlier this month. Well, she wasn't a virgin, but I was, and I couldn't keep it up. It was so strange, exactly the opposite problem to what I was expecting. I felt really embarassed about it at first, but she was really supportive and patient. I guess we kind of tried to do a lot that night, it was the first time I had ever kissed anyone as well. Anyway, after that over the course of a week we kind of gradually worked up to things, and now everything is great. In the end I think it was a comfort thing for me, I just had to get to a point where I was totally comfortable with her. Stress = boner-killer. Basically I wouldn't worry too much about it, although I agree with the poster above that a week off masturbating wouldn't hurt.
BronzeWolf
Banned
I am not too big on making stuff up, but I understand it's necessary for some people to get the hang on what the focus should be when talking to girls. What are your hobbies besides working?
See, you're still treating them as some mythical being. And it's actually kind of sexist, too (not your fault though). If you're interested in something, then there is a girl that is interested in the same thing. You are both human beings. Just because we've been bombarded with the stereotype of women being into only fashion and shopping doesn't mean it's remotely true. The girl I'm almost dating posted this link on her Facebook page:
http://www.physorg.com/news/2012-01-quantum-physicists-entanglement-nonlocality.html
And when we were cuddling after sex, she explained to me the difference between Type I and Type II error (she's a Psychology PhD student).
I think it really depends on what you're looking for. Personally, I'm looking for someone who can laugh (and cry) at religion with me, talk about politics, and whose eyes don't glaze over when I explain how the Turing Machine relates to privacy on the internet. So I'll bring up those topics - if she isn't interested, then that means it wouldn't work out in the end.
If you're just desperate for a girlfriend, then you could take the middle-of-the-road approach, avoiding controversial topics and not confronting her with your own opinions, and you may have more luck finding someone. But you have to ask yourself, what do you really want out of a relationship? Figure that out before trying to increase your odds.
That's one problem I have with dating advice - it often tries to increase the probability of finding someone, but not necessarily the person you would want to be with for any period of time. Why don't you tell us what you want, and we'll give you ideas on how to start a conversation?
I have a great success story from OKCupid, but I'm going to wait until it's official between us to post the story. I hope it will give some shy guys some confidence that it's okay to be yourself, even more so when you're online dating.
Reading books mostly on topics related to Religion and Politics. In the past most of my readings where related to my major (Computer Science) but I'm trying to expand beyond that. I also browse various forums and news sites and watch comedy TV shows. I also enjoy hanging out with my friends in bars once or twice every week. I've got male friends from various ethnic backgrounds and social statuses, so I'm not a loner and not cliquey.
ianp622 said:
I want my ex back but that's not gonna happen. I never had to worry about any of this, going out with her came to me naturally.
What I want right now more than anything is being able to carry a conversation with almost any girl. I want to become a more desirable person. It is not really about what girl I want as opposed to what kind of a guy I want to be. I wanna be like the guy that walks into a bar or a club and starts up conversation with girls and enjoys himself. It is not completely sexual, it is egotistical though.
Jackben
bitch I'm taking calls.
The people you are asking on V-day usually have feelings mirroring your username
BronzeWolf
Banned
BOLLOCKS!
There is plenty of time at a proper date to see if a girl is into your stuff. He asked for good openers and those are the good topics. Politics and Religion are not good openers, no matter what. I always ask some probe questions to know if the girl is not a religion-nut which is important for me, but not really AS important as you might think.
I've met many many girls that love religion and politics topics. They do. But I have seen them turn dudes down when they lead with that. It's not worth the risk in my opinion. And I work with Computer, Physics and EE PhD girls. Do you what they want out of a night out? Fun.
I don't think that a girl knowing your Turing Machine is really relevant for a relationship. It never is. Besides, talking about that shit nonstop is incredibly self-important. What about her?
After my last relationship, I will probably bail out of any crazy Christian girls as soon as I figure that out. I don't have a beef if they are religious, but if they're really crazy about it and wouldn't be able to tolerate me being an Atheist, then I'm bailing the fuck out. I'm not letting that shit happen again.
BronzeWolf
Banned
Probe questions:
"So what are you doing this Sunday morning-noon?"
Good - "Dunno, just watch TV I guess"
Bad - "Thanking the lord Jesus Christ bless us from heaven"
Pretty much. Also if I see a "Chi Alpha" sticker on their car, that's another red flag.
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