By being old, i'm 32 haha.
Its true, if a girl looks decent enough, they are surrounded by dick. They date around constantly, any one guy they lose they can easily pick up another.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
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By being old, i'm 32 haha.
Its true, if a girl looks decent enough, they are surrounded by dick. They date around constantly, any one guy they lose they can easily pick up another.
luckyboyceo
Member
I missed this on the last page, but great post! I'd hope that anyone having self-improvement issues would read through this post in its entirety. It's a great road map to starting on your better life.
I understand that results (and confidence in particular) are very hard to gain when everything in your life thus far has reinforced your reasoning for not being confident, but the things you listed are all things you can change. If those truly are your reasons for not being confident in yourself, you should feel good about the fact that you were able to diagnose what it is about yourself that you don't like. There are a lot of people in this thread who struggle with self-improvement because they don't know what it is that they need to change about themselves in the first place.
You walk funny? Research some videos on youtube that show proper walking techniques. It's actually more common than you may think. A lot of fitness gurus emphasize proper walking form as the first step to getting in shape. You're definitely not alone here.
You appear meek and timid? Work out. Honestly, there's no better confidence booster than a good workout. You don't even need a gym, in fact, I'd encourage you not to use a gym at first. Research a good plyometric exercise (P90x?) that you can do in your own home and on your own time, if you like that, then think about joining a gym, but I think you'll find that you can do a lot just in your own home.
You're ugly? I'm willing to bet that you aren't. A lot of people think they're ugly, but in reality they've just yet to find what works best for them aesthetically. Dress better, get a new haircut, grow a beard/shave, get in shape. Create a new you. All of this will contribute to your self-confidence, which will put you way above where you are now.
My point is that you aren't as helpless as you think you are. Yes, a lot of this is just regurgitated information that we constantly preach in this thread, but we preach it because it works. You can do this just like anyone else.
I know how you feel. Your situation is strikingly similar to mine, in that she was able to end things and move onto someone else (the same day in fact), like I meant nothing to her. It's a tough pill to swallow, and to be honest, I keep coughing mine back up. Unfortunately, I find that when that happens it just makes a situation all that more difficult to get over. It will probably sting for a little bit but I think you're moving in the right direction.
You made the right move in removing her. There's a lot of truth to the whole "out of sight, out of mind" technique. Just be prepared to deal with the inevitable message that she'll send you in the coming weeks about how she'd like to remain friends/hangout in the future. While she may not be regretting her decision now, she will in the future, because she's missing out on an awesome dude in yourself. Tell yourself that, because it's true. Best of luck!
I have a delima. There is this coworker that I've known for a year and a half. I don't think she has a boyfriend. From what I know she doesn't have a boyfriend. In fact her last date left her hanging on her b'day. I didn't realize I had any serious feelings for her until I saw flowers on her desk at Valentines I felt demoralized. A co-worker told me she had no boyfriend recently.
In recent weeks she has grown rather cool to me. I wonder if she senses something. I feel she no longer even wants to talk to me. I try to ignore that as my own misconception but I can't ignore is my feelings toward her. I don't know if I could lock it up inside me any longer. I'm pretty sure she'll say no but it kills me not to try. She is a co-worker in an office environment so this could get rough. Any advice?
In recent weeks she has grown rather cool to me. I wonder if she senses something. I feel she no longer even wants to talk to me. I try to ignore that as my own misconception but I can't ignore is my feelings toward her. I don't know if I could lock it up inside me any longer. I'm pretty sure she'll say no but it kills me not to try. She is a co-worker in an office environment so this could get rough. Any advice?
Going by what you said, It will not end well if you "go for it". That's my wisdom, not advice
SpectreFire
Member
Wait. What? I don't understand the question.SpectreFire: does she really have a reason for meeting up after talking to you for THREE hours on the phone?Sounds like a nice date to me instead.
Going to a new place this saturday, but I'm going simply to have a laugh (as always) with a couple of mates of mine.
If I speak to girls somehow, great, since I honestly feel I need to push myself into those situations more. But I will try and meet new people in general, because that could potentially branch my friends out more and aid in opening me up further. Then again, if that doesn't happen it isn't the end of the world.
I thought (as suggested in the past) that I'd create a fake persona about myself, so I may do that for a laugh. It could help I guess.
If I speak to girls somehow, great, since I honestly feel I need to push myself into those situations more. But I will try and meet new people in general, because that could potentially branch my friends out more and aid in opening me up further. Then again, if that doesn't happen it isn't the end of the world.
I thought (as suggested in the past) that I'd create a fake persona about myself, so I may do that for a laugh. It could help I guess.
Your dilemma can be solved by answering a question then getting her to:
Your question: are you friends, would you consider going out just the two of your normally? Because if you don't honestly think it could be a real relationship and don't consider her an actual friend don't do it. Casual dating at work is a bad call.
Her question: ask her if she's dating anyone. Frankly the fact that you don't already know this concerns me, but if she says no then that's your chance. If she says no, graciously move on and never mention it again because you're going to work with her.
CAW
Member
It is yes. GAF warned me from the start with this one, months ago, but did I listen? No.
Must be experience because I'm 31 and I'm just as bad as when I was in my teens. I haven't had many relationships though and this has been the first one in a long time so I think I just wanted it too bad. I'm tired of being single.
Thanks for that little confident boost, I appreciate it.
I think this is also difficult on me because I have nothing to do right now. I'm on holidays from work and all the plans I had made were with her so now I'm sitting here on the PC all day doing NOTHING but thinking of her and this situation. I've went out with a few friends and it helps but for the most part I just sit here and dwell on it all. I'm hoping to go out this weekend and meet some new people (women, hopefully).
Had my date last night. It was fantastic. We've been chatting on a daily basis for the past 8 days and my biggest fears were that we'd either have nothing left to talk about or wouldn't be compatible. I couldn't be further off base. The chemistry we had through instant messaging was even stronger in real life. The hours simply flew by. Also, I knew she was good looking based on her photographs/webcam but man, she's a real stunner. Her smile is just to kill for.
I blew it at the end though, as I always tend to do. Did not kiss her. I only got to give her a three kisses goodbye as my train rolled in. Hopefully I get to see her again soon.
I blew it at the end though, as I always tend to do. Did not kiss her. I only got to give her a three kisses goodbye as my train rolled in. Hopefully I get to see her again soon.
Okay, Gaf. This is my first post in this thread.
There's a new girl at work I only started really talking to tonight. She caught my eye immediately when she first walked in, but it wasn't until tonight I actually mustered up the balls to have a conversation with her. We basically talked about how much we hated working there, and we shared a few laughs about our insane coworkers. Anyway, just before her shift ends, she asks for my number. I give it to her, then see a text from her when I get home from work. We've been texting back and forth for the last hour, and she's texting some pretty suggestive stuff. I've responded a couple of times kind of brushing it off with attempted witty comebacks, but the fact is, I am horny as fuck and she seems to be to. I am really at a loss for what to do. I realize the whole "don't dip your pen in company ink" thing, but god damn do I want to get laid.
Any advice for what to do? Should I ask her out to a movie or something outside of work, or am I already proper fucked because of us being coworkers and all that entails?
There's a new girl at work I only started really talking to tonight. She caught my eye immediately when she first walked in, but it wasn't until tonight I actually mustered up the balls to have a conversation with her. We basically talked about how much we hated working there, and we shared a few laughs about our insane coworkers. Anyway, just before her shift ends, she asks for my number. I give it to her, then see a text from her when I get home from work. We've been texting back and forth for the last hour, and she's texting some pretty suggestive stuff. I've responded a couple of times kind of brushing it off with attempted witty comebacks, but the fact is, I am horny as fuck and she seems to be to. I am really at a loss for what to do. I realize the whole "don't dip your pen in company ink" thing, but god damn do I want to get laid.
Any advice for what to do? Should I ask her out to a movie or something outside of work, or am I already proper fucked because of us being coworkers and all that entails?
luckyboyceo
Member
Don't sweat the kiss, man. Being the first date and all, I doubt there were really any expectations of that on her end. If things go as well as they did tonight on your second date, then go for it.
Glad to hear it was a success!
If it's really something you want to pursue, I wouldn't let work stop you. Yes, there could be potential ramifications in the workplace if things don't go as planned, but don't let that be the reason to miss out on a potentially good experience.
Why not ask her to grab a drink after work? Seems pretty easy. I'd avoid movies seeing as there isn't much time to communicate during them, unless of course it's a movie at your place.
Regardless, sounds like you're in a position of power here. She's obviously interested in you, so I'm willing to be that whatever you suggest she'd be up for.
Boss Man
Member
That is just how some people move on. Basically, she doesn't feel as bad as you specifically because she's acting like that. Think about the bad times, not the good times. Don't take it so personally.
This one is pretty easy. When a girl texts you at night and is obviously interested like that, just ask her what she's doing. If she's not doing anything, she probably wants to come over- so give her the opportunity. Tell her you're about to watch a movie by yourself or something and ask her if she wants to come watch it with you. By the sound of it, you won't get halfway through the movie.
He is saying that you should spend less time on the phone, more time in-person. (I agree.)
It's great that you had a nice conversation but I think you should have saved that for the first date.
I think your problem is that you get overly excited when you have a date planned so you end up feeling crushed when it doesn't work out. Remember that until you meet up in real life, you aren't anyone to her, just text on a screen, so don't feel bad if she flakes out on you. Ideally you should feel the same thing about her - text on a screen, we'll see how it works out in real life. Now, I agree that flaky people are rude and I don't think people should be like that, but it is what it is, better for your own sanity to learn to shrug it off.
I planned a lot of first dates after work on weekdays so that it really wasn't like OMG WEEKEND RUINED when things didn't happen. That said, I didn't get flaked on that often (may have been an older crowd for me, though, also this was a few years ago), so maybe there is something you are doing before you arrange the first date that is messing you up somehow? Tell us what you are doing, maybe we can help.
You should be dedicating years of your life to exercise REGARDLESS of whether you can or cannot attract a woman.
That kind of lazy attitude isn't going to help in ANY aspect of life.
One year from now, would you prefer to be in better shape and have marginally better chances or...be in the same shape (or worse), still jerking it to internet porn and still moping over the lack of changes?
You have to WANT to change.
Houston3000
Member
This part stuck out to me.
Your confidence is bottomed out, through the floor. You need to do something to boost your confidence. Very very few people are naturally ugly, I highly doubt you are and I'll almost bet anything you're just out of shape, probably have shit for fashion sense, and don't maintain your hair/facial hair well.
I don't know if you're overweight or underweight but either way start exercising and fixing your diet. I've bulked up considerably in less than 4 months, I know it might sound vain but when I pass in front of a mirror now in my tanktops I can't help but be impressed with how good looking I am. Then that first time a girl grabs your arm on a date only to compliment how strong your arms feel it's awesome. So that would be my advice from personal experience, I couldn't do it by myself so I joined a gym and let the monthly payments motivate me
but it's definitely possible to do it on the cheap if you don't have money (I might cancel my membership this summer and just start focusing on Calisthenics and a few store-bought dumbbells). Not only has it improved my looks but the benefits of being stronger are handy and working out 3 or 4 days a week can be construed as a good hobby.Thommunist
Member
Hey GAF, I'm kind of dealing with a dilemma and I'm just wondering what you guys think of it.
So last Wednesday I went to the club and met a really interesting girl who I talked to for a couple of hours. This usually wouldn't sound like a problem, but here's the catch: I've been studying in Taiwan since last year August and I'm going back home to the Netherlands in about four weeks. I've already arranged a date for monday next week and although I'm definitely looking forward to that, I'm still not sure if this can go anywhere with only month left. Personally I want to give it a try, especially since it has been a while since I had such a fun and meaningful conversation with an interesting girl. I can speak Chinese near fluently, so I suppose it would at least be easier to communicate about the possibilities if things do get serious. I'm still not sure though. GAF, what's your take on these kinds of situations? I see lots of solid advice flying around in this thread, so I'm definitely interested in what you guys think about it. Many thanks!
So last Wednesday I went to the club and met a really interesting girl who I talked to for a couple of hours. This usually wouldn't sound like a problem, but here's the catch: I've been studying in Taiwan since last year August and I'm going back home to the Netherlands in about four weeks. I've already arranged a date for monday next week and although I'm definitely looking forward to that, I'm still not sure if this can go anywhere with only month left. Personally I want to give it a try, especially since it has been a while since I had such a fun and meaningful conversation with an interesting girl. I can speak Chinese near fluently, so I suppose it would at least be easier to communicate about the possibilities if things do get serious. I'm still not sure though. GAF, what's your take on these kinds of situations? I see lots of solid advice flying around in this thread, so I'm definitely interested in what you guys think about it. Many thanks!
This part stuck out to me.
Your confidence is bottomed out, through the floor. You need to do something to boost your confidence. Very very few people are naturally ugly, I highly doubt you are and I'll almost bet anything you're just out of shape, probably have shit for fashion sense, and don't maintain your hair/facial hair well.
I don't know if you're overweight or underweight but either way start exercising and fixing your diet. I've bulked up considerably in less than 4 months, I know it might sound vain but when I pass in front of a mirror now in my tanktops I can't help but be impressed with how good looking I am. Then that first time a girl grabs your arm on a date only to compliment how strong your arms feel it's awesome. So that would be my advice from personal experience, I couldn't do it by myself so I joined a gym and let the monthly payments motivate me
*slow clap* I couldn't have said it better myself.
Everyone should be working on self improvement, whether they are in a relationship or not. Just pick one thing.. or two things and work on it. Self analyze yourself. What areas would you like to work on? Your posture? your walk? your speech? (yes there is speech therapy). How about your clothes? A sport? Your body?
No one is saying to improve yourself for women. Improve yourself for yourself. I can honestly say that I am a much better person now than I was a year ago. And a year before that I was a much better person than the year before that. They were little things too. Like learning how to dress properly. Or learning how to walk with my head straight and correct posture without slouching all the damn time. Improving yourself also helps with your confidence which will radiate to other people. Now again, don't be doing this for other people. You should be doing this for yourself... otherwise you will just be disappointed.
Remember, If you do nothing, then you're not going to change a year from now, you will look back and realize you are the same person with no hope. Is that who you want to be? I hope your answer is no.
How does this help with women? It's no secret that if you have something to offer them, they will be interested. And if you improve yourself, that will increase your chances. note: I said increase your chances.. not a guarantee. But hey, a 50% chance is better than a 25% chance right?
Empowerer Blarg, I was in the same boat as you. I haven't even kissed a girl or go on a date until I was in my twenties. I've been called, "retarded" and "weird" my whole life growing up. This isn't some bullshit thing people are telling you. I started to get my life together and work on myself. Years and years later, I am still the same weird person, but I have a lot of confidence, with a lot to offer. I owned my weird tendencies, and people stopped caring about them... probably because I stopped caring about them.
I recently met up with an old friend whom I haven't seen in a while. She told me that I seem different, and that I became pretty attractive. What changed in appearance since we last met? I learned how to dress properly and put gel in my hair. Objectively, that is the only thing that changed.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Go for it. Just be honest about your intentions. "Hey I really like you and I'd like to spend more time with you, but I'm only in town for a few more weeks so I'm not really looking for anything serious right now."
no... and I'm old fashioned.
Well my girl feels like I should, unless I'm unable to (no money). I'm willing to pay, but I'm not sure that's how it should be for the duration of our relationship. I also don't know how to bring that type of thing up and what she would say if I did.
The paying thing is a pain in the ass. You don't want to look like you're trying to buy a girl's affection, but you also don't want to look like a cheapskate. It's reason enough to try to stick to stuff like picnics or walks or whatever that don't cost money whenever possible.
If she straight up told you that she expects you to pay for everything because you are the man, then keep things consistent with this "traditional" view and have her keep up her end of the bargain for the female side. She should be cooking for you, sewing your jeans when needed, etc.
If she isn't doing this stuff, then why should this traditional burden only fall in your lap while she gets off doing nothing?
vicissitudes
Banned
Tell her she's a grown woman and she can pay for her own things.
PflargBlarg
Member
Absolutely not. A relationship is a partnership. But I mean, you swing it to relative incomes. If the girl is dirt poor and you've got plenty of cash it would be nice to cover her stuff sometimes. But not 100% of everything 100% of the time. That's just ridiculous.
Count Dookkake
Member
Paying for everything is okay, if you get pretty much whatever you want whenever you want.
Are you getting those terms?
Are you getting those terms?
Sanky Panky
Banned
Does she offer to pay for things? does she give you presents? does she tell you "sorry that I'm broke..." etc etc?
It's all about intentions. I was raised to always pay for the girl, but I'm no sucker. Next time going to an event, tell her "hey the price for the ticket is $X, is that cool?", and see how she responds.
So i need some help GAF, i started seeing a girl about 3 weeks ago have gone out on 2 dates and TBH I'm really not feeling it. I am just not that interested in her, this also has to be said that i just had a heart punch by a different girl about 4 weeks ago and i figured asking this new girl out would get my mind off the old one. It has but I'm not interested in this new girl because of a few reason and i know this Isn't going to work in the long run. So my question is this, i am suppose to go see her tonight and i just don't really want to but i don't want to hurt her feelings (i know far to well how this feel getting dumped many time myself) Is their any way not to be a dick in this situation, i feel as if i am just too nice some times because i can relate but i don't want her to feel like she is getting closer to me while I'm moving farther from her. GAF help, worst case i go see her tonight and after that tell her I'm really not feeling it, or should i nip in the bud and just tell her i cant see her anymore?
The Antitype
Banned
It figures that the first older woman I've ever dated will be a 29 year old stripper.
I always go for the crazy ones.
I always go for the crazy ones.
Play the gay card.
vicissitudes
Banned
Lone_Prodigy
Member
See her tonight. Tell her you're not feeling it, sorry you led her on, it's not working out. Dump her ASAP before she gets too attached to you.
The Antitype
Banned
Tell her that you're not feeling it. That it has nothing to do with her, but that there's something wrong with you that you need to address first before you're ready to move forward with somebody else.
I've used that line a bunch of times on girls, and every time it's ended up with a hug and a 'good luck'.
SpectreFire
Member
So the date didn't happen. Texted her today to confirm a time and place, no reponse.
I really don't understand people sometimes. Are people that insecure about saying no that they're completely fine stringing you along at ridiculous lengths?
I really don't understand people sometimes. Are people that insecure about saying no that they're completely fine stringing you along at ridiculous lengths?
Well guys, I went for the number but unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. She got on the elevator, I walked down the hall back to my locker like a boss. I feel liberated because I was really nervous when it came time to leave and ask her for it.
It stung for a few minutes but it wore off afterwards. Getting rejected feels good. So I'm proud of myself for doing it.
It stung for a few minutes but it wore off afterwards. Getting rejected feels good. So I'm proud of myself for doing it.
Too bad. It's not the end of the world though. Don't send any more messages until she contacts you. Then do a dinner at home or something instead. And don't do any more three hour conversations over the phone. We'd all prefer to have those in person.
And yes, turning someone down can be very difficult.
SpectreFire
Member
Not treating it as if it was. I don't mind the long phone conversations though, people are different, not everyone hates them as the internet vividly likes to think. There's nothing distinctly wrong with it or anything and I hardly doubt that's the reasons why she flaked, unless she's just completely insane.
luckyboyceo
Member
Great mindset. Really proves that regret is a million times worse than rejection. Had you not done it, you'd still be thinking about it right now.
Also, sorry to hear about your date falling through, SpectreFire. No worries though, a flake is a flake and you're better served spending your time elsewhere.
so you're not going to learn from this and keep repeating the mistake of hours long phone calls?
SpectreFire
Member
I wouldn't say it's a mistake. Who cares how you get to know someone? It's the message that counts, not the medium.
There's nothing really that happened during this whole thing that I haven't already known. Girls flake out for no reason and you kind of have to be prepared for it. If anything, the only mistake I made was assuming, or rather hoping that she was mature enough not to do that.
In retrospect, I get the feeling that she lied to me since she mentioned something about how she used to stay at an ex's place whenever she had to work(unless she got back with him a few weeks after she mentioned that or found a new guy). But I wouldn't have called her out on that any way since I'm not that guy (the frustrated doormat) nor do I want to be that guy.
I left with my pride fully intact to say the least. So yeah, it is true that regret is always worse than rejection. It's like the Wayne Gretzky saying goes "You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take." I'm gonna keep doing it and not get discouraged.
Zomba13
Member
Just got back from a date with the girl who was ill the first time we arranged things. It went really well, we had lunch, talked loads, walked around some shops and went to the park. She was really funny and cute and we've both agreed to do something more activity based next time though neither of us know what lol.
hawkshockey11
Banned
Mini-golf. So easy to be funny while playing mini-golf.
Hey, so you clearly don't want to hear this, but I read your blog rant about online dating (http://www.timemuffin.com/post/23155309379/wheres-the-human) and you know what? You are TOTALLY right, and that's why the entire goal of the whole online dating exercise is to meet them in real life, so they get the whole picture of who you are.
If you are having long phone conversations with people BEFORE you meet for the first time you are doing the exact OPPOSITE of what you want because you are trying to get to know them over a fundamentally low resolution medium. Same with instant/text messages, I think those are a complete waste of time before you go out for the first time.
When I was setting up first dates I more or less never called them, never texted them, never chatted with them on IM, and never added them on Facebook. Send a few email-type messages to build some rapport, then ask them out.
Remember, you yourself said this:
http://www.timemuffin.com/post/23155309379/wheres-the-human said:
Don't let this happen to you (where you clearly have a lot of expectations built up before the first date) either! Just meet in real life, get it over with, it's either going to work out or it's not
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