Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

Status
Not open for further replies.
vctor182 said:
Was I wrong? Her attitude seemed childish and somewhat possessive, it's not the first she acts like this and I'm afraid she's trying to gain control over the relationship.
Click to expand...
Nothing to do with power. She saw it as a day that the two of you would have together. Now she feels like she would just be tagging along with you and your gaming buddies, and that you'd be spending time with just each other to placate her.

Her going to her mom's with the baby for a week is childish, but I feel like you messed up by not discussing the extra guests with her.
 
vctor182 said:
Hey guys, need some help to see if what I did was right.

I'm a married guy for almost 2 years and we have, what I would like to think, a steady relationship. Last week I got an invitation to attend the Nintendo Wii U Gaming Lounge that will be held next to the San Diego Comic Con, the invitation said I could bring along 1 guest so I obviously told my wife about it (even though she isn't interested in gaming), she agreed and I replied that I was attending.
Yesterday i received the confirmation and they added that I could bring along 3 guests, not just 1 so I decided to invite 2 of my gaming buddies and she was upset because of this. She was arguing that if they were so important then I should had invited one of them in the first place and that we won't have time for us alone now because I will be working this Saturday to cover a friend who's on vacation.
I kept telling her that when I was invited I was told I could only bring 1 person and that I choose her because she's more important but now they told me I could bring 2 more and said "why not?" and want to invite 2 friends. As for Saturday I told her I would be free after 3 pm so we would have the rest of the day for us alone. She didn't care and kept telling me that she doesn't want to go with my friends and that if i wanted to go with that then she would leave the house with our baby and stay with her mom for the rest of the week. That pissed me off and told her that I was going with that, I'm the one who's invited and decides who to invite not her.

Was I wrong? Her attitude seemed childish and somewhat possessive, it's not the first she acts like this and I'm afraid she's trying to gain control over the relationship.
Click to expand...

This sounds like a breakdown in communication. I don't get why you think she's trying to control you. Have you guys gone out just the two of you lately? It looks like she saw this as an opportunity to have alone time with you. And you took that away by inviting 2 other guests. Her getting upset is not really about who you can or can't invite, but more that she's probably feeling uncared for. She wants to spend time with you but to her it seems like you don't.

The fact that it's a Wii conference is irrelevant. At least, to her it is. Lets spin this another way. Lets say I have a vegas trip with my girl, and then I later invite 2 of my buddies. You can bet that my girl will be upset by this.

Was her attitude childish? Her comment about just spending time with her mom was a little childish, but I think this was even more childish:

I'm the one who's invited and decides who to invite not her.

Was I wrong? Her attitude seemed childish and somewhat possessive, it's not the first she acts like this and I'm afraid she's trying to gain control over the relationship.
Click to expand...
You guys are married. I don't think what she is feeling was unreasonable. If you had straight up just invited your friends she wouldn't have been mad. It was the taking away of the alone time that upset her.
 
vctor182 said:
Hey guys, need some help to see if what I did was right.

I'm a married guy for almost 2 years and we have, what I would like to think, a steady relationship. Last week I got an invitation to attend the Nintendo Wii U Gaming Lounge that will be held next to the San Diego Comic Con, the invitation said I could bring along 1 guest so I obviously told my wife about it (even though she isn't interested in gaming), she agreed and I replied that I was attending.
Yesterday i received the confirmation and they added that I could bring along 3 guests, not just 1 so I decided to invite 2 of my gaming buddies and she was upset because of this. She was arguing that if they were so important then I should had invited one of them in the first place and that we won't have time for us alone now because I will be working this Saturday to cover a friend who's on vacation.
I kept telling her that when I was invited I was told I could only bring 1 person and that I choose her because she's more important but now they told me I could bring 2 more and said "why not?" and want to invite 2 friends. As for Saturday I told her I would be free after 3 pm so we would have the rest of the day for us alone. She didn't care and kept telling me that she doesn't want to go with my friends and that if i wanted to go with that then she would leave the house with our baby and stay with her mom for the rest of the week. That pissed me off and told her that I was going with that, I'm the one who's invited and decides who to invite not her.

Was I wrong? Her attitude seemed childish and somewhat possessive, it's not the first she acts like this and I'm afraid she's trying to gain control over the relationship.
Click to expand...

She is being ridiculous.

She should be ashamed of herself.

You have done nothing wrong and should not bend to her will in the slightest.
 
vctor182 said:
Hey guys, need some help to see if what I did was right.

I'm a married guy for almost 2 years and we have, what I would like to think, a steady relationship. Last week I got an invitation to attend the Nintendo Wii U Gaming Lounge that will be held next to the San Diego Comic Con, the invitation said I could bring along 1 guest so I obviously told my wife about it (even though she isn't interested in gaming), she agreed and I replied that I was attending.
Yesterday i received the confirmation and they added that I could bring along 3 guests, not just 1 so I decided to invite 2 of my gaming buddies and she was upset because of this. She was arguing that if they were so important then I should had invited one of them in the first place and that we won't have time for us alone now because I will be working this Saturday to cover a friend who's on vacation.
I kept telling her that when I was invited I was told I could only bring 1 person and that I choose her because she's more important but now they told me I could bring 2 more and said "why not?" and want to invite 2 friends. As for Saturday I told her I would be free after 3 pm so we would have the rest of the day for us alone. She didn't care and kept telling me that she doesn't want to go with my friends and that if i wanted to go with that then she would leave the house with our baby and stay with her mom for the rest of the week. That pissed me off and told her that I was going with that, I'm the one who's invited and decides who to invite not her.

Was I wrong? Her attitude seemed childish and somewhat possessive, it's not the first she acts like this and I'm afraid she's trying to gain control over the relationship.
Click to expand...

Sounds like there's lots more going on here than just being pissed about a little alone time. If she's threatening to take your baby away with her for a week, that is. Am I missing something here?
 
Schlep said:
Nothing to do with power. She saw it as a day that the two of you would have together. Now she feels like she would just be tagging along with you and your gaming buddies, and that you'd be spending time with just each other to placate her.

Her going to her mom's with the baby for a week is childish, but I feel like you messed up by not discussing the extra guests with her.
Click to expand...

But I was trying to discuss the extra guests, I haven't told my friends about this yet.

Sarye said:
This sounds like a breakdown in communication. I don't get why you think she's trying to control you. Have you guys gone out just the two of you lately? It looks like she saw this as an opportunity to have alone time with you. And you took that away by inviting 2 other guests. Her getting upset is not really about who you can or can't invite, but more that she's probably feeling uncared for. She wants to spend time with you but to her it seems like you don't.

The fact that it's a Wii conference is irrelevant. At least, to her it is. Lets spin this another way. Lets say I have a vegas trip with my girl, and then I later invite 2 of my buddies. You can bet that my girl will be upset by this.

Was her attitude childish? Her comment about just spending time with her mom was a little childish, but I think this was even more childish:


You guys are married. I don't think what she is feeling was unreasonable. If you had straight up just invited your friends she wouldn't have been mad. It was the taking away of the alone time that upset her.
Click to expand...

Yeah I can understand that I'm trying to take away the alone time by inviting my friends, but it's not like we haven't had alone time. Last time I was with my gaming buddies was around March, one night only. Most weekends we either spend them together by going around places or we visit/hang out with our families. Like I said, the invitation stated that I could invite 1 person only the first time and the confirmation updated that I could bring along 3.

Between:

- If I told her I was going and inviting a friend, then tell her I could bring 2 more and asked her to come.

- If I told her I was going and inviting her, then tell her I could bring 2 more and was planning to invite 2 of my friends.

What's worse?
 
Izick said:
ibgACAms7UQsz2.gif

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this girl from highschool commented on something I posted on Facebook, then messaged me tonight. She said she missed me, and that we should hang out some time. Obviously, I was king of surprised by this, not to mention how out of the blue it was.

Anyway, she gave me her number, and we were just talking about stuff, but then she brought up the hanging out thing again. Then I realized she meant with her and a bunch of other people from our highscool. I said it sounded like fun, and the conversation just kind of petered out.

So, I figure this is just a friendly thing, right? That was the overall vibe I was getting more and more as this went on.
Click to expand...

Just aks her out for a coffee or something, she obviously likes you, otherwise she wouldn't have contacted you. During that date you'll find out soon enough what her intentions are.
 
Izick said:
Nobody has any input on my last post?
Click to expand...

If it was just friendly, who cares? You shouldn't have any expectations anyway. You should feel good about the fact that she thought enough of you to just message you out of the blue. Take any opportunity to broaden your social circle.

See how you are around each other in real life before you go making any kind move at all, if you're even interested.
 
Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn't exactly out of the blue. I think I made a comment on something on a friend of her's post, and then she commented on that that she missed me, and then it all went from there.
 
Boo hoo, there's nothing that can really happen to you if she does. You said that it was out of the blue, implying that you don't talk, so what do you care what she thinks of you if you do ask her out?
 
Izick said:
She says no.
Click to expand...

Wel that would suck, you know what sucks even more? Do nothing and dwell about it.
If she says no, at least you gave it shot, and you won't be so hesitant the next time.
We've all been shot down, suck it up and move on.
But she already invited you so i'm pretty sure she's gonna say yes.
 
vctor182 said:
But I was trying to discuss the extra guests, I haven't told my friends about this yet.
Click to expand...
Given that and everything else you said in this post, she's in the wrong. It would be difficult being in a relationship where one person won't allow the other a social life.
 
Omegasquash said:
Sounds like there's lots more going on here than just being pissed about a little alone time. If she's threatening to take your baby away with her for a week, that is. Am I missing something here?
Click to expand...

Well she doesn't like being with my gaming friends because I don't give her attention when I'm gaming with them so she has assumed a "either spend the time with them or me" kind of attitude.
While it's true that In the past I didn't give her attention or that i told her that we would finish playing at a certain time and didn't happened. I've been trying to improve it and last March when I hanged out with them, it went as we discussed previously (ending time only since she went out with her friends). It might not be enough evidence for her to be convinced that I won't treat her like in the past but there hasn't been opportunities to show her that it won't be as before.
 
the only thing you did wrong was get pissed off. I would have have been like ok go ahead and leave to your mom's. Show that her pissy fits won't affect you.
 
Omegasquash said:
Exactly. She says no. Two letters, one word. If that's what she says, then that's that. Since you got an invite, odds are in your favor. So play them.
Click to expand...

Exactly. You'd be in the exact same position as you are now if you didn't ask. Hang out, ask her out after if you want to.
 
Thanks for the advice there gaf. I admit looking at the responses and reading ym own post again, I can see the vibe it gives off. Like I said I haven't really took my last break up that well, but even seeing the replies here have cheered me up a bit. There's no point being so serious and worked up about this and I'll find someone in due time and not to help me get over my ex.

Cheers guys! :P
 
AHA-Lambda said:
Thanks for the advice there gaf. I admit looking at the responses and reading ym own post again, I can see the vibe it gives off. Like I said I haven't really took my last break up that well, but even seeing the replies here have cheered me up a bit. There's no point being so serious and worked up about this and I'll find someone in due time and not to help me get over my ex.

Cheers guys! :P
Click to expand...

I've been in your situation last year and the first 6 months of being alone and trying to get over your ex may be hard. After that though, everything will come back and you'll probably even enjoy being single.

Well, this is what happened to me.
 
You're not writing her an awkward letter asking her to have intercourse with you that's sealed with wax and your family crest. Go hang out with her and if there's any interest, ask her out.
 
Izick said:
I know, it's just gonna suck if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is, which I probably am.
Click to expand...

Nice mentality...you're identifying issues proactively. That's a slammin' good thing to do, man! Makes all things easier to deal with when you lower their importance, right?
 
Izick said:
No, because then I don't know she said no, then it may have been yes instead of no, but I don't know that it's no.
Click to expand...

So you rejecting yourself, which is 100% assured, is better than her rejecting you, which is 50% assured? What?

Bad mindset, and one you'll live to regret.
 
Izick said:
I always see the reply in my head:

"what"

or wait no no

"i'm not really looking for a relationship(/date) right now sorry"
Click to expand...

*Raises fist* IZICK! You're about as useful as a magic 8ball in predicting her response. The girl said she misses you, you have nothing to lose here.
 
Izick said:
I'm sorry, I don't follow what you're asking.
Click to expand...

Yeah you do, man. Sound like a excuse, because I'm pretty sure that you knew What Shintoki was saying. Sounds like an excuse to not ask that girl out is all I'm saying. Not trying to be harsh...just blunt about it is all.

I reiterate, ask that girl out man!
 
zethren said:
What do you lose? You don't have anything with her in the first place.
Click to expand...

Self respect. Also I'm friends with her. We aren't good friends obviously, but still friends.

Also, I mean come on, doesn't that guy in the video make you cringe when he's doing stuff out in public? Everything he says feels so damn forced and wooden. Nobody really acts like that ever.
 
zethren said:
What do you lose? You don't have anything with her in the first place.
Click to expand...

We have a winner.

Nothing to lose, everything to gain.

Yes, even if she's a friend. It's not like you guys are BFFs or anything. You said so yourself you haven't been around her much recently. It's only weird if you make it weird.
 
Izick said:
Self respect. Also I'm friends with her. We aren't good friends obviously, but still friends.

Also, I mean come on, doesn't that guy in the video make you cringe when he's doing stuff out in public? Everything he says feels so damn forced and wooden. Nobody really acts like that ever.
Click to expand...

You lose self respect if she says no? You should be losing self respect because of this attitude.

You won't stop being friends with her if she says no. Trust me.

And you don't have to act like the guy in that video, just ask her out for some damn lunch or something. If she has a good time, make another date to meet up for coffee or a movie. If she wants to see you again after that, invite her over and cook for her or something.

Don't just wallow in the fear of rejection.
 
Getting rejected in person is not as bad as it seems. It stings for about a minute or two but afterwards, you feel good about yourself for having done it and take it in stride.

I mean big deal if you're revealing that you're attracted to the chick by asking her out. The worst thing is regretting not having done it. There's no real reason not to do it so shake it, shake it, roll the dice.

Seriously, EviLore's travel thread has some good indirect tips on how to talk to people (even though it's not a tip thread). Maybe when he gets a break, he can share his some of his wisdom.
 
The only rejection I fear is public rejection. If it's a casual setting and I get shot down, I don't care; but if we're in an environment where eyes and attention are on us, I clam up and not even bother with approaching.
 
Etrian Oddity said:
The only rejection I fear is public rejection. If it's a casual setting and I get shot down, I don't care; but if we're in an environment where eyes and attention are on us, I clam up and not even bother with approaching.
Click to expand...
I kind of have a bit of that fear myself. I'm afraid of joining a school club because I'm afraid that I won't fit in. For example, I'm afraid of going to my school's Toastmasters chapter because of this. But to compensate for that, I go to school events that are scary such as to open mics (I write poetry from time to time). While I experience feelings of discomfort every now and then, I feel good that I did it.

I remember last fall, I read at a poem an open mic. It was one of the scariest I've ever done; you can bet I was as nervous as a kid getting ready to perform his first school play, but man did I feel good after I did it afterwards. I didn't read at an open mic last semester because I didn't feel like it, but I'm definitely gonna do it again in the fall semester as I have some new stuff that I've written. But just taking a small risk every day is a victory in and of itself; it's making progress in improving oneself.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

I've given up on dating
2 3 4
175
580
StueyDuck replied
Dating app could be in trouble, and here's what may take their place
40
3K
AJUMP23 replied
Anyone here look and feel younger than their age?
2
86
3K
Hazzard4life replied
I had a surprisingly nice Warner Bros night
1
607
Vyse replied
Am I being pathetic here
43
671
kpopSuperstar replied
Top Bottom