Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
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So I just realized that I've only gone on one date in my 23 years of life, how the fuck did I become so pathetic?
I honestly don't care about having sex or not, I just want to a have relationship with a good woman but at this point I feel like I'm too far behind that I'll never manage to get into a relationship.
I honestly don't care about having sex or not, I just want to a have relationship with a good woman but at this point I feel like I'm too far behind that I'll never manage to get into a relationship.
luckyboyceo
Member
Met a girl two weekends ago. Hooked up, exchanged numbers, texted a few times last week. Invited her out to a party my friends and I were throwing (albeit, the day of) on Saturday, but she couldn't make it because she lives out of town. I said no worries, suggested we meet up sometime this week and she replied with "yes lets 
."
Now here's my question: How should I approach meeting up with her this week?
Personally, I feel like this is my last opportunity to meet up, as trying any longer than two weeks with a girl I drunkenly met at a bar reeks of desperation. Do I attempt the casual approach again and say, "hey I'm going to be at (insert place) on Saturday, if you're in the area you should stop by?" Or should I be more assertive and try to go out with her on a set day/time? Normally, I'd take the casual approach here, but I feel like considering our distances (she lives about 30 minutes away), it's much more difficult to meet up spontaneously. I feel like there needs to be some element of planning involved.
Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
."Now here's my question: How should I approach meeting up with her this week?
Personally, I feel like this is my last opportunity to meet up, as trying any longer than two weeks with a girl I drunkenly met at a bar reeks of desperation. Do I attempt the casual approach again and say, "hey I'm going to be at (insert place) on Saturday, if you're in the area you should stop by?" Or should I be more assertive and try to go out with her on a set day/time? Normally, I'd take the casual approach here, but I feel like considering our distances (she lives about 30 minutes away), it's much more difficult to meet up spontaneously. I feel like there needs to be some element of planning involved.
Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
NeOak
Member
Rebound.
Met a girl on OK Cupid, been dating for 3 months now (with a month of messaging / texting before that).
We both like art and similar music. She's super caring, understanding, sweet etc, basically an amazing person and every time I meet one of her friends they tell me I'm super lucky. Oh and she's pretty too. Only prob I have is that she takes some things too personally... like if I say I don't like a song that she likes she'll go on a short rant about how much it means to her or something. Whatevs.
Anyways, she's suggested that I move in with her 2 months from now. Before she suggested that I was actually thinking about it too and was somewhat into the idea, but I'm afraid it's too early. I'd have to move to her apartment (she lives near a college as a graduate student) which is 1.5 hours from here in Austin, TX. Aside from timing money is a factor; I'm $500 in credit card debt not to mention tons of student debt. I'll be out of the credit card debt come 2 months, but still, I don't like the idea of moving in with a gf when money is tight.
So probs best not to move in with her I'm guessing. ? (my job is from home so that doesn't matter. doesn't pay much though)
Even though long distance sucks. :<
We both like art and similar music. She's super caring, understanding, sweet etc, basically an amazing person and every time I meet one of her friends they tell me I'm super lucky. Oh and she's pretty too.
Only prob I have is that she takes some things too personally... like if I say I don't like a song that she likes she'll go on a short rant about how much it means to her or something. Whatevs.Anyways, she's suggested that I move in with her 2 months from now. Before she suggested that I was actually thinking about it too and was somewhat into the idea, but I'm afraid it's too early. I'd have to move to her apartment (she lives near a college as a graduate student) which is 1.5 hours from here in Austin, TX. Aside from timing money is a factor; I'm $500 in credit card debt not to mention tons of student debt. I'll be out of the credit card debt come 2 months, but still, I don't like the idea of moving in with a gf when money is tight.
So probs best not to move in with her I'm guessing. ? (my job is from home so that doesn't matter. doesn't pay much though)
Even though long distance sucks. :<
FO-totality
Poet Centuriate
Met a girl on OK Cupid, been dating for 3 months now (with a month of messaging / texting before that).
We both like art and similar music. She's super caring, understanding, sweet etc, basically an amazing person and every time I meet one of her friends they tell me I'm super lucky. Oh and she's pretty too.
Anyways, she's suggested that I move in with her 2 months from now. Before she suggested that I was actually thinking about it too and was somewhat into the idea, but I'm afraid it's too early. I'd have to move to her apartment (she lives near a college as a graduate student) which is 1.5 hours from here in Austin, TX. Aside from timing money is a factor; I'm $500 in credit card debt not to mention tons of student debt. I'll be out of the credit card debt come 2 months, but still, I don't like the idea of moving in with a gf when money is tight.
So probs best not to move in with her I'm guessing. ? (my job is from home so that doesn't matter. doesn't pay much though)
Even though long distance sucks. :<
Yeah way too soon, though it might be a plan for the future.
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
I think most people would be envious of $500 in credit debt lol..
AdventureRacing
Member
Have you ever actually been bowling before? You spend pretty much the whole time next to each other. Walking up to have a bowl takes barely any time and is a fun way to keep the conversation going.
I'm not suggesting everyone else should do it but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
Definitely nothing wrong with it, and not what I was suggesting when I asked, more that I feel once you're out of high school you have much better options. But, as another poster pointed out, depending on where you live you might not have those options.
reallyfull
Member
What would you suggest?
I'm an expert
Formerly worldrevolution. The only reason I am nice to anyone else is to avoid being banned.
Er, doesn't matter what I'd suggest, as it might not be available in your region. I primarily dated in New York and Tokyo/Osaka region in my life. Obviously my recommendations would be much different than someone who lives in Europe or even a smaller town. I definitely went bowling when I was in high school, it was actually how I met my girlfriend for senior year. I just never went again after lol.
RedNalgene
Member
You're only 23 man, you've got plenty of time to ramp up your dating. I was in similar shoes when I was 23, but I kept my options open, tried my best to remain positive, and took advantage of situations when they presented themselves. You're definitely not pathetic for having gone on only one date thus far. You're in the prime dating demographic right now, but you have to take that first step. Only you can do that part.
How come you feel like you're too far behind? For me, I dated much, much more between the ages of 25 and 30 than I did between 20 and 25. 20-25 was spent getting drunk with my buddies and doing stupid stuff, it wasn't until I was around 26/27 that I started taking dating more seriously. You have PLENTY of time to meet people.
Met a girl two weekends ago. Hooked up, exchanged numbers, texted a few times last week. Invited her out to a party my friends and I were throwing (albeit, the day of) on Saturday, but she couldn't make it because she lives out of town. I said no worries, suggested we meet up sometime this week and she replied with "yes lets
Now here's my question: How should I approach meeting up with her this week?
Personally, I feel like this is my last opportunity to meet up, as trying any longer than two weeks with a girl I drunkenly met at a bar reeks of desperation. Do I attempt the casual approach again and say, "hey I'm going to be at (insert place) on Saturday, if you're in the area you should stop by?" Or should I be more assertive and try to go out with her on a set day/time? Normally, I'd take the casual approach here, but I feel like considering our distances (she lives about 30 minutes away), it's much more difficult to meet up spontaneously. I feel like there needs to be some element of planning involved.
Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
Given the distance I think you need to make a solid plan rather that trying to be spontaneous, especially if you're expecting her to travel 30 mins to hang out. I wouldn't think too negatively about her declining the day-of invite given she lives 30 mins away. Why not pick someplace that's in between the two of you and meet up. Something simple - meet for a drink or coffee or something that's real low key. Low key is important since you had a drunk hookup, and in the light of soberness you actually may not be interested in her (that's happened to me more times than I care to count). But maybe you will (this has also happened to me before). But you suggest the date and time. You take the lead. If she balks and doesn't try to reschedule, then maybe she sees it as just a drunk hook up. You don't want to chase her, so feel out the situation and bail if you need to. Good luck!
PflargBlarg
Member
Alright guys, I need a metaphorical smack in the face.
I started dating a very good friend of mine and it's totally thrown off the 'progression' for me. There's not any period of getting to know each other since we've already known each other for years. I'm quite sure I could have kissed her yesterday but I chickened out.
So basically, tell me to do it next time.
I started dating a very good friend of mine and it's totally thrown off the 'progression' for me. There's not any period of getting to know each other since we've already known each other for years. I'm quite sure I could have kissed her yesterday but I chickened out.
So basically, tell me to do it next time.
Perspicacity
Banned
Do it next time.
Omegasquash
Member
If it hasn't happened yet, who's calling it a date as opposed to just hangling out as friends? Did she use the term, or are you the only one thinking of it on those terms?
ThingontheFloor
Member
Yeah, if you've considering your relationship to moved into the 'dating' status, being unsure if you can make a move as simple as kissing her, things seem to have been done out of order.
Aika'svyse
Banned
Damn ever get that jolt? You're reading a nice dating site profile and everything is all good, then you get to the bottom and thats when you see it
Has 4 children lives with 3
Erm
Has 4 children lives with 3
Erm
PflargBlarg
Member
I'm no expert, but I don't know what else to call it when, watching a movie, a girl is comfortable putting her legs across your lap with your hand on her thigh, leaning into your chest and putting her arm around you/walking down by the docks she grabs my hand.
That's a pretty weird 'hanging out as friends'.
Any way, yes, dating is a premature term. It's a couple dates.
Why Nice Guys Finish Last (and Nice Gals Too)!
The first step to seeing this clearly is to temporarily put aside any frustration and bitterness. If you are reading this, you probably have a story of your own to tell. You may have been treated badly. You might have been picked over for someone who seemed clearly inferior to you. Why would "your guy" go for that high-maintenance, promiscuous woman? Why would "your gal" dump you for that unemployed felon?
Well, there is a reason. Your partner (or their gender) is not stupid. The world has not turned upside down. There are simple influence principles at work here. These principles make the "inferior people" look valuable and you not-so-much. Let us take a look at them further and see why nice people finish last
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest
When we do nice things for others, we invest in them and the relationship. Those investments of time, effort, and money tend to build up over time. Those investments also make us feel that our date or mate is valuable, that we love them, and we are committed to that relationship. This is called the principle of "sunk costs". Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them.
However, the reverse is not true. The receiver of good treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened, or just generally ungrateful. Love cannot be bought or earned.
Given that, whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Get the picture?
Nice folks are on the losing end of this deal. They do all of the "doing". They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, paying for meals, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.
Contrast this with the demanding bad boy or diva They are always making demands and requests of a partner. They require being pampered, waited on, and appeased. They make their partners INVEST. So, their partners have a ton of sunk costs. Thus, their partners fall in love with them and feel committed.
Moral of the story don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior
People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Pretty simple
Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. No matter how a partner is treating them, the nice person will continue to treat them well.
The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. That it will snap the partner out of their bad behavior. Turn the other cheek and all that. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions.
In essence, by being nice all the time, they are rewarding their partner for bad behavior. If you cook him dinner on the nights he disrespects you, then you have rewarded and encouraged that behavior to continue. If you take her out on the nights she is grumpy and nagging, you have ensured that she will do it again.
Not-so-nice people have better boundaries. They only reward partners when they earn those rewards. They also ignore partners when they are disrespectful or bad. This teaches dates or mates what they will and will not tolerate. It lets them know what is expected of them.
As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly. They reward those who mistreat them and make the behavior more likely in the future. If they were selective in their rewards and occasionally withholding they would receive better treatment in return. They would also be more respected by others.
3) Nice People Are Too Available
We all have mental shortcuts that help in our decision-making. One of these shortcuts is the rule of scarcity. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. While this is not always true, it is true enough of the time that it becomes a common, unconscious assumption. It is applied to everything even people.
Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible.
Their hope is that this behavior will lead to gratitude and respect. By making themselves available to a partner and removing inconveniences, they hope to make love easier. Instead, however, they come off as needy, get taken for granted, and become overlooked. In other words, they are the opposite of scarce and hard to earn. So, all of the available behavior actually makes them seem low value and worthless.
The bad boy or diva, in contrast, is always "hard to get". They are never available, always cancelling plans, and make lovers do things their way. They do nothing but neglect and inconvenience their lovers. Yet, their lovers find them alluring, tempting, and attractive (much to the confusion of "nice" folks).
Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable. Having to drop everything to steal a moment with them makes others appreciate the time they are "given". It is the illusion of scarcity.
Given that, nice people would do well to inconvenience their lovers once in a while. They would benefit from being scarce. They would look a little more valuable if they didn't drop everything to be at their lover's beck-and-call. If they were a little harder to get, their lovers would find them more enticing.
Conclusion
Again, your ex (or their entire gender) is not crazy. But, their psychological dynamics do cause them to process things differently than a nice person might hope. As a result of a few mental shortcuts getting crossed, winners look like losers and losers look like winners.
Does that mean you have to be a jerk or diva to find love? No. But, it does mean that you need to be selective with your time, attention, and niceness. It means you cannot be eager to please, needy, overly-available, or endlessly nice. To create a loving, respectful, and appreciative relationship, you have to know the rules of the game and play by them.
So, learn from the jerks and divas- but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love without being so nice others walk all over you.
The first step to seeing this clearly is to temporarily put aside any frustration and bitterness. If you are reading this, you probably have a story of your own to tell. You may have been treated badly. You might have been picked over for someone who seemed clearly inferior to you. Why would "your guy" go for that high-maintenance, promiscuous woman? Why would "your gal" dump you for that unemployed felon?
Well, there is a reason. Your partner (or their gender) is not stupid. The world has not turned upside down. There are simple influence principles at work here. These principles make the "inferior people" look valuable and you not-so-much. Let us take a look at them further and see why nice people finish last
1) Nice People Do Not Make Their Partners Invest
When we do nice things for others, we invest in them and the relationship. Those investments of time, effort, and money tend to build up over time. Those investments also make us feel that our date or mate is valuable, that we love them, and we are committed to that relationship. This is called the principle of "sunk costs". Doing favors for others and treating them well, leads us to value and love them.
However, the reverse is not true. The receiver of good treatment does not always feel love for the giver. In fact, they may feel manipulated, burdened, or just generally ungrateful. Love cannot be bought or earned.
Given that, whoever is doing the favors will fall in love. But, whoever is receiving the favors probably will not fall in love. The person that invests feels love. The person receiving the investment may not feel anything. Get the picture?
Nice folks are on the losing end of this deal. They do all of the "doing". They are the ones waiting on their partner, doing good deeds, buying gifts, paying for meals, etc. As a result, they have a lot of love (sunk costs) for their date or mate. But, their partner has not invested. They have not given a thing. So, they are not at all in love or committed.
Contrast this with the demanding bad boy or diva They are always making demands and requests of a partner. They require being pampered, waited on, and appeased. They make their partners INVEST. So, their partners have a ton of sunk costs. Thus, their partners fall in love with them and feel committed.
Moral of the story don't be "nice" and do everything. Make your partner invest in you and the relationship too. Remember, when they DO FOR YOU, is when they fall in love. If they refuse to invest in the relationship, however, then they may never love you back.
2) Nice People Reward Bad Behavior
People learn from the consequences of their behavior. When they perform a behavior and are rewarded, they tend to do the same thing again. In contrast, when they perform a behavior and are punished, they tend to shy away from that behavior in the future. Pretty simple
Well, nice people tend to treat their dates and mates very well. All the time. EVEN, when they don't deserve it. No matter how a partner is treating them, the nice person will continue to treat them well.
The nice person often "thinks" that such good treatment will one day be recognized. That it will snap the partner out of their bad behavior. Turn the other cheek and all that. But, they fail to recognize what they are TEACHING their partner by treating them well under all conditions.
In essence, by being nice all the time, they are rewarding their partner for bad behavior. If you cook him dinner on the nights he disrespects you, then you have rewarded and encouraged that behavior to continue. If you take her out on the nights she is grumpy and nagging, you have ensured that she will do it again.
Not-so-nice people have better boundaries. They only reward partners when they earn those rewards. They also ignore partners when they are disrespectful or bad. This teaches dates or mates what they will and will not tolerate. It lets them know what is expected of them.
As a result, nice people get walked all over. By being nice all the time, they actually encourage others to treat them badly. They reward those who mistreat them and make the behavior more likely in the future. If they were selective in their rewards and occasionally withholding they would receive better treatment in return. They would also be more respected by others.
3) Nice People Are Too Available
We all have mental shortcuts that help in our decision-making. One of these shortcuts is the rule of scarcity. Generally, we believe whatever is scarce, or requires work to obtain, is valuable. Whatever is easy to get, or common, is probably cheap. While this is not always true, it is true enough of the time that it becomes a common, unconscious assumption. It is applied to everything even people.
Unfortunately for nice people, they are anything but scarce. They are eager to please. They are always agreeable to dropping their life and rushing over to their date or mate. They make time, dote, acquiesce, and try to be as convenient and easy as possible.
Their hope is that this behavior will lead to gratitude and respect. By making themselves available to a partner and removing inconveniences, they hope to make love easier. Instead, however, they come off as needy, get taken for granted, and become overlooked. In other words, they are the opposite of scarce and hard to earn. So, all of the available behavior actually makes them seem low value and worthless.
The bad boy or diva, in contrast, is always "hard to get". They are never available, always cancelling plans, and make lovers do things their way. They do nothing but neglect and inconvenience their lovers. Yet, their lovers find them alluring, tempting, and attractive (much to the confusion of "nice" folks).
Nevertheless, the bad boys and divas are scarce. That scarcity makes them SEEM valuable. Their unavailability and breaking plans makes them look confident and important. Making others work to earn their time gives the illusion that their time is valuable. Having to drop everything to steal a moment with them makes others appreciate the time they are "given". It is the illusion of scarcity.
Given that, nice people would do well to inconvenience their lovers once in a while. They would benefit from being scarce. They would look a little more valuable if they didn't drop everything to be at their lover's beck-and-call. If they were a little harder to get, their lovers would find them more enticing.
Conclusion
Again, your ex (or their entire gender) is not crazy. But, their psychological dynamics do cause them to process things differently than a nice person might hope. As a result of a few mental shortcuts getting crossed, winners look like losers and losers look like winners.
Does that mean you have to be a jerk or diva to find love? No. But, it does mean that you need to be selective with your time, attention, and niceness. It means you cannot be eager to please, needy, overly-available, or endlessly nice. To create a loving, respectful, and appreciative relationship, you have to know the rules of the game and play by them.
So, learn from the jerks and divas- but don't emulate them completely. Simply get your partners to invest in you back, as you invest in them. Further, only reward them when they deserve it and ignore them when they don't. Also, make them accommodate you too and don't let your life revolve around them. This will show them that you are a valuable and attractive person with some self-respect. Then, you can still be a decent person and find love without being so nice others walk all over you.
luckyboyceo
Member
Thanks, man. You pretty much reiterated everything I had been thinking, which is good to hear.
At this point I think it's the sheer mystery of whether or not I'll be attracted to her/into her that's keeping me in it. I think I'll plan on texting her today and see if we can set up a time to go out this weekend. Seems like the best move. Thanks again.
Count Dookkake
Member
Great post, Cubsfan23.
Atramental
Banned
Tried talking to the girl from the party and asked if she wanted to hang out again, but she didn't come off very interested. Which is a shame, she seemed super interested in me the whole night, asking me questions, following me around and explaining to me why she's an awesome girl. Guess it was the alcohol, or she needed "some" that night. Wish people were easier to read lol
I think I really need to increase my self-esteem, while it's better than it used to be, the fact of the matter is that the only girls that show interest in me are the ones that realize they can use me so fucking easily. Being love/attention starved and neglected for most of my childhood seems to have had that effect on me, I'll do basically anything for people who show me some affection. Which I think scares off girls who aren't insane control freaks.
Beautiful, beautiful post. Very helpful, I hope I'm able to put it to use someday. Thank you.
Mikey Jr.
Member
What should I do about the girl I'm talking to on Facebook that I knew in school a year ago?
We were just casually talking on FB, and she says that we should see each other again, like a reunion.
I was going to ask if she wanted to go out for a coffee or something like that. The problem is that I have no fucking idea if she has a boyfriend (FB page is very bare). She will obviously say yes to the coffee, but I honest to God don't want to drive out to where she is (over an hour), to find out she has a boyfriend. It is a waste of my time, and I have no interest in extra friends. At least if she didn't have a bf, I could kinda gauge her interest when I see her.
Should I casually bring it up in the convo? Like "So, are you seeing someone?" or would that be a little too forward? I just really dont want to waste an entire day on potentially nothing.
I was going to ask her if she would go to the mall with me, because I need some winter clothes and a girls opinion. At least that way its not a total waste. That ok?
We were just casually talking on FB, and she says that we should see each other again, like a reunion.
I was going to ask if she wanted to go out for a coffee or something like that. The problem is that I have no fucking idea if she has a boyfriend (FB page is very bare). She will obviously say yes to the coffee, but I honest to God don't want to drive out to where she is (over an hour), to find out she has a boyfriend. It is a waste of my time, and I have no interest in extra friends. At least if she didn't have a bf, I could kinda gauge her interest when I see her.
Should I casually bring it up in the convo? Like "So, are you seeing someone?" or would that be a little too forward? I just really dont want to waste an entire day on potentially nothing.
I was going to ask her if she would go to the mall with me, because I need some winter clothes and a girls opinion. At least that way its not a total waste. That ok?
Count Dookkake
Member
Why are you driving out to her?
Mikey Jr.
Member
Good question......
Haha, well, I suppose the time thing still counts. So invite her out to coffee? Or the mall thing not a good idea? I figure its still pretty casual, and it is something to do.
ArachosiA 78
Member
Hey GAF, just looking for some advice.
I've been working with this girl for about 6 months. The second I met her, I was attracted to her, but I soon learned that she had a boyfriend. That combined with the fact that I never got any impression that she was interested in me led me to not even consider pursuing her. But last week a buddy of mine told me that he heard that she at one point in time had a thing for me. I got pretty excited when I heard this news, but I was let down shortly after when I learned that she has been dating this other dude I work with for the past 4 months.
Ever since I learned this news, I can't stop thinking about her and what could have been. I don't know if I missed the window of opportunity with this girl, and now I'm just super depressed. So GAF, what the fuck do I do? Do I tell this girl how I feel about her, and hope that she ditches her boyfriend for me? Or is this just a lost cause that I should give up on? Please, any advice would be helpful.
I've been working with this girl for about 6 months. The second I met her, I was attracted to her, but I soon learned that she had a boyfriend. That combined with the fact that I never got any impression that she was interested in me led me to not even consider pursuing her. But last week a buddy of mine told me that he heard that she at one point in time had a thing for me. I got pretty excited when I heard this news, but I was let down shortly after when I learned that she has been dating this other dude I work with for the past 4 months.
Ever since I learned this news, I can't stop thinking about her and what could have been. I don't know if I missed the window of opportunity with this girl, and now I'm just super depressed. So GAF, what the fuck do I do? Do I tell this girl how I feel about her, and hope that she ditches her boyfriend for me? Or is this just a lost cause that I should give up on? Please, any advice would be helpful.
luckyboyceo
Member
Pursuing this would be an absolute disaster for the reasons bolded above.
Talk about it with some friends, vent about it here, but absolutely do not tell her how you feel. That's the kind of stuff that only works in movies, not real life. For now just move on and if the situation changes in the future, worry about it then.
ArachosiA 78
Member
ahhh...this isn't the response I was hoping for...lol....but thanks for the advise, man.
Omegasquash
Member
This is good information that lots of people could use right now. Shit, if I'd have seen this stuff 13 or 14 years ago, I'd have known what the fuck was up.
Take heart though, nice guys. You can flip the script. Complete 180's scare the fuck out of some people.
RedNalgene
Member
Meet somewhere in the middle. Worst case scenario you drive 30 minutes to reunite with a friend (who likely has other single friends she could set you up with if she has a BF) and have some laughs, best case you hit it off and set up something that's more like a "date" for next time. I don't see how a 30 minute drive + coffee would be a waste in either case.
Missed opportunities happen all the time. There have probably been a bunch that you don't even know about. Chalk this one up to simply not knowing her feelings, and don't feel bad about yourself for missing some dating window. I'm a firm believer that there is some luck and timing involved in meeting a person. The timing has to be right. There have been so many situations where I've said "if only I had met this girl 6 months ago, we'd be dating right now". Or "if only this girl wasn't dating my friend, we'd be together". It's just the way it goes.
Don't hold out hope for this girl, but remain friends with her and if she breaks up with her current BF, move in. Do not do anything to try and break up her current relationship - that's not how you want to start something with her, and she'll resent you for it whether or not she stays with her current BF.
Noone's going out tonight it seems, might as well listen to this (just got the email with this one myself). Self-sabotage might very well be a part of my life.
Asked a girl out to a movie, she seemed enthusiastic about it, happy to go....then she asked if her friend could come.
"Uh, I was think that'd I'd just be you and me."
"Why?"
"Well, I'm asking you out, if that wasn't clear."
"Why a date? Lets just be friends"
"If you want. Your missing out though. I'm pretty awesome"
*sigh*
A straight no would have been better than getting my hopes up. I think I played it off well and it's not that big a deal, but still kinda sucks. We're still going as friends though, so there's that.
"Uh, I was think that'd I'd just be you and me."
"Why?"
"Well, I'm asking you out, if that wasn't clear."
"Why a date? Lets just be friends"
"If you want. Your missing out though. I'm pretty awesome"
*sigh*
A straight no would have been better than getting my hopes up. I think I played it off well and it's not that big a deal, but still kinda sucks. We're still going as friends though, so there's that.
PflargBlarg
Member
Hmm, I wouldn't suggest a movie for a first date any way unless you're doing something afterwards as well. There's no opportunity for interaction since you're sitting in a dark place where it's impolite to talk.
I suggested dinner afterwards as well. She's a big movie goer too, so I thought it'd be easy to go on a date by doing her hobby anyway.
PflargBlarg
Member
Ah yeah, well that's perfectly fine.
Perspicacity
Banned
Make out with the friend
If she gives me any indication that she wants to, I will, but the ball is in her court right now. I made my intentions clear, doing anything else now would be trying too hard imo. All I can do is hope to be as charming and fun as possible and maybe she'll change her mind.
kidtamagotchi
Member
So I had a message exchange on OKcupid, and it went on for a few hours. She had to go because she was going out dancing. The messages weren't flirty or anything and I think I was a distraction while she was in a waiting room. I AM interested in this girl, but I'm not sure how she feels about me. She sent the last message (if that means anything). So my question is, what should I do next?
Don't even have that in your mind.
Go with the pure intentions of just being friends now. If you try to be more than that to "convince" her then it will probably end up pushing her away as a friend even.
She made it clear, almost practically said "you are friendzoned" to you, so now it's either accept that or move on. Don't try to sell yourself, it will only work against you more.
(sorry to sound negative, but it will hurt a lot more if you keep trying and then she bails out of friendship entirely or something)
Perspicacity
Banned
I meant make out with her friend. She's setting you two up.
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