Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy

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Bebpo said:
So I thought I was doing well in this age overall, but after a few rejections mixed with some short-term relationships/hookups, I've realized a couple of things about my dating prospects right now: 1) I'm still getting passed over by girls below/around/above my level because I'm seen as too nice/nice guy, and 2) the only girls I end up in relationships with are girls so far below my level they're willing to look over that because they just want me for sex because I'm a good looking guy with a lot going for me, which makes me lose interest real fast.
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I think your mentality needs work: you're assigning girls to "levels" and say the ones that date you are "below" you. That's not really nice-guy behaviour. "I'm only with you because I can't get anyone better?" That's a pretty arrogant claim. Maybe the girls that won't date you see through your "perfect little life" to the kind of person you really are?

Disclaimer: I may be totally off-base here but that's the vibe I got from your post.
 
man, my ex is ridiculous. Every now and then she'll text me about a mutual friend or something, and then it immediately turns into "Are you seeing someone?". I keep it vague enough to play it off, but she ends up saying stuff like "have you had sex with anyone else? If you did I'm happy for you." That's usually my cue to stop talking to her...

I've slowly come to the realization that the only reason she tries to let me down easy and wish me the best is to make herself feel less guilty, and that's really one of the shittiest moves out there. Good riddance.
 
So, two weeks ago my girlfriend of five years and I broke up. We've been together since high school and it's sort of weird right now. I already have a date next week with this really cute girl, but I have no idea what to do on dates and it still feels weird to me, is it just too soon? I had no problem asking her out and I stopped loving my ex a long time ago. Also, she lives like a hour drive away, which is sort of far for me right now, do these kind of things work? Actually, maybe that'll be for the best, it'll prevent over-exposure. Man, I have no idea what I'm doing :P
 
dude said:
So, two weeks ago my girlfriend of five years and I broke up. We've been together since high school and it's sort of weird right now. I already have a date next week with this really cute girl, but I have no idea what to do on dates and it still feels weird to me, is it just too soon? I had no problem asking her out and I stopped loving my ex a long time ago. Also, she lives like a hour drive away, which is sort of far for me right now, do these kind of things work? Actually, maybe that'll be for the best, it'll prevent over-exposure. Man, I have no idea what I'm doing :P
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Rebound warning: You might end up using this girl.
 
Meatfist said:
man, my ex is ridiculous. Every now and then she'll text me about a mutual friend or something, and then it immediately turns into "Are you seeing someone?". I keep it vague enough to play it off, but she ends up saying stuff like "have you had sex with anyone else? If you did I'm happy for you." That's usually my cue to stop talking to her...

I've slowly come to the realization that the only reason she tries to let me down easy and wish me the best is to make herself feel less guilty, and that's really one of the shittiest moves out there. Good riddance.
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block her cell number.block her Facebook. Block any form with communication with her. Be done with her.
 
Meatfist said:
man, my ex is ridiculous. Every now and then she'll text me about a mutual friend or something, and then it immediately turns into "Are you seeing someone?". I keep it vague enough to play it off, but she ends up saying stuff like "have you had sex with anyone else? If you did I'm happy for you." That's usually my cue to stop talking to her...

I've slowly come to the realization that the only reason she tries to let me down easy and wish me the best is to make herself feel less guilty, and that's really one of the shittiest moves out there. Good riddance.
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That's...just block her and be done with it.
 
dude said:
So, two weeks ago my girlfriend of five years and I broke up. We've been together since high school and it's sort of weird right now. I already have a date next week with this really cute girl, but I have no idea what to do on dates and it still feels weird to me, is it just too soon? I had no problem asking her out and I stopped loving my ex a long time ago. Also, she lives like a hour drive away, which is sort of far for me right now, do these kind of things work? Actually, maybe that'll be for the best, it'll prevent over-exposure. Man, I have no idea what I'm doing :P
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I think it's too soon man. Girl I'm seeing now broke up with a boyfriend of 6 years in October 2011. We tried this January and she wasn't ready. Everybody's different of course, but I worry that you're going to hurt this girl when it ends up being a rebound.

Disregarding that, an hour isn't really that far.
 
So me and my current GF have been dating for just over a year. Both started dating our last year in college and graduated, I found a good job right after college. She has a degree in a field thats hard to get into and has been doing internships and part-time work at places where she can maybe go full time at some point.

I moved into my own apartment and a mutual friend told me she was all angry and upset I didnt ask her to live with me. Never brought this up to me or anything, so I never mentioned it. She does stay with me usually 4 or so nights a week so.

Skip to now, 2 months later, and she has just been in this whole woe is me attitude. Her loans are due, she lives with her mom still, job sucks and doesnt pay well. Just generally all over mopy. I've tried cheering her up, talking to her about it, etc. Lately its been really starting to grate on me. I come home in a good mood and shes just ,bleh, bums me out right away.

I feel like it's all starting to go downhill. :/
 
So, short story, from a dating website, i saw this real cute 30 years old asian woman(always had a weakness for them), but her profile barely says anything, just "timid and reserved, open for dates, conversations or more".

I'll probably have to ask for more details and see what she likes, if we like similar things, etc. But, thing is, i'm also timid and reserved...I usually spend my evenings and weekends at home, that sort of thing. Do 2 people like that usually fit well together? Or is it a recipe for a relationship that's going to be... boring(don't tag quote me, i already have my share of that! :lol) Should I give it a try and send her a message anyway?

Note, this is like my first attempt at searching for a date. I always liked my quiet and simple life as a single, but I feel like I'm missing something in my life, so...
 
Ok, little back story. Met this girl last weekend at an event. Hit it off pretty well. Got way too drunk and never got her number. She added me on facebook so I messaged her and we've been doing that stupid wait too long to message each other back thing. Anyway, I asked for her number with the intentions of meeting up and she gave it to me. If I schedule it tomorrow is Monday too far away?
 
Bisnic said:
So, short story, from a dating website, i saw this real cute 30 years old asian woman(always had a weakness for them), but her profile barely says anything, just "timid and reserved, open for dates, conversations or more".

I'll probably have to ask for more details and see what she likes, if we like similar things, etc. But, thing is, i'm also timid and reserved...I usually spend my evenings and weekends at home, that sort of thing. Do 2 people like that usually fit well together? Or is it a recipe for a relationship that's going to be... boring(don't tag quote me, i already have my share of that! :lol) Should I give it a try and send her a message anyway?

Note, this is like my first attempt at searching for a date. I always liked my quiet and simple life as a single, but I feel like I'm missing something in my life, so...
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Women on internet dating sites typically receive dozens, sometimes hundreds, of messages each day. You're way overthinking the process. See girl? Think she's attractive? Notice something interesting in her profile? Send her a message and continue looking. You're not trying to find The One before even communicating with anyone, you're trying to find women who are within your standards who will meet you in person so that you can find out what they're really like and do your thing from there.
 
Meatfist said:
I've slowly come to the realization that the only reason she tries to let me down easy and wish me the best is to make herself feel less guilty, and that's really one of the shittiest moves out there. Good riddance.
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Pretty sure my ex feels the same way. We broke up and after a month she was dating some new guy and they've been together for four months since, but she'll message me and say she "misses me", "hopes we can talk one day", and "hopes i don't hate her". Whatever her reasoning, I know her intentions aren't actually in my best interest otherwise we could've worked things out between us, and because she chose not to work things out, I'm chosing to completely exile her from my life.
 
mooooose said:
Pretty sure my ex feels the same way. We broke up and after a month she was dating some new guy and they've been together for four months since, but she'll message me and say she "misses me", "hopes we can talk one day", and "hopes i don't hate her". Whatever her reasoning, I know her intentions aren't actually in my best interest otherwise we could've worked things out between us, and because she chose not to work things out, I'm chosing to completely exile her from my life.
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She's moved on, has a new guy and doesn't have a shred of romantic love for you. Women move on easy, there's just too many options for them. Having said that, she probably does eventually want to be at least on speaking terms with you and catch up from time to time. I mean, once you've healed and are happy in a new relationship, its not so bad to play catch up with an ex. But until then...I personally go with "Fuck that shit".
 
mooooose said:
Pretty sure my ex feels the same way. We broke up and after a month she was dating some new guy and they've been together for four months since, but she'll message me and say she "misses me", "hopes we can talk one day", and "hopes i don't hate her". Whatever her reasoning, I know her intentions aren't actually in my best interest otherwise we could've worked things out between us, and because she chose not to work things out, I'm chosing to completely exile her from my life.
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I let my ex have space but I do check up every once and a while to see he's doing okay for himself and prospering with his career. I just want him to be happy.
 
If she was allowed?

Yeah she sounds like she's just straight up playing games. I would feel kind of sad about breaking up with the ex but not tug on his strings like that.
 
EviLore said:
Women on internet dating sites typically receive dozens, sometimes hundreds, of messages each day. You're way overthinking the process. See girl? Think she's attractive? Notice something interesting in her profile? Send her a message and continue looking. You're not trying to find The One before even communicating with anyone, you're trying to find women who are within your standards who will meet you in person so that you can find out what they're really like and do your thing from there.
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I suppose you're right. I'm way overthinking all of the this, guess that's what makes me a "newbie" in this stuff huh? :P
 
GAF,

So I'm going out with this girl for the third time tonight, we kissed for a while at the end of our second date. Would it be acceptable to kiss her when I meet her today?
 
How much communication should I keep before the date? I mean, she sent me a text last night asking if I'm alright (I'm in Tel Aviv) and I replied, but I'm thinking of calling her or texting her today, but I can't really think of anything interesting to talk about. Should I just force it to keep some communication going until the date?
 
Christina Mackenzie said:
Am I an asshole? Seriously, just tell me, no jokes. This is not the first time I fucked up someone's life.

Sorry I don't have a tl;dr version.

My best friend is busy playing Forza right now. Fuck...

Probably going to go to sleep in the next hour or so.
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What does your gf do for work? What do you do for work? Is there rescentment there that she's always working, or your job is not as busy as hers?

Learn your lesson not to keep shit to yourself. The passive-aggressive bullshit never works if you want to solve problems. Also, your friend seems to suck. Don't count on others to deal with your problems.

reallyfull said:
GAF,

So I'm going out with this girl for the third time tonight, we kissed for a while at the end of our second date. Would it be acceptable to kiss her when I meet her today?
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When in doubt, approach her with open arms as if you are going to give her a hug (your arms closer to her hip level). She may be the one to go for the kiss, or you can hug a bit, and as you are separating give her a sweet romantic kiss. At the end of the 3rd date, time to step it up.
 
bucknuticus said:
So me and my current GF have been dating for just over a year. Both started dating our last year in college and graduated, I found a good job right after college. She has a degree in a field thats hard to get into and has been doing internships and part-time work at places where she can maybe go full time at some point.

I moved into my own apartment and a mutual friend told me she was all angry and upset I didnt ask her to live with me. Never brought this up to me or anything, so I never mentioned it. She does stay with me usually 4 or so nights a week so.

Skip to now, 2 months later, and she has just been in this whole woe is me attitude. Her loans are due, she lives with her mom still, job sucks and doesnt pay well. Just generally all over mopy. I've tried cheering her up, talking to her about it, etc. Lately its been really starting to grate on me. I come home in a good mood and shes just ,bleh, bums me out right away.

I feel like it's all starting to go downhill. :/
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Sometimes life gets in the way, and it sounds like your assessment is right. If this relationship is something that you really want to pursue, then tell her how you feel. If she gets defensive, then I think you know what options that you have in front of you.

And do not ask or let her move in with you. Don't. Do. It. Unless she straightens up for real, not just acts happy and blows you.
 
dude said:
How much communication should I keep before the date? I mean, she sent me a text last night asking if I'm alright (I'm in Tel Aviv) and I replied, but I'm thinking of calling her or texting her today, but I can't really think of anything interesting to talk about. Should I just force it to keep some communication going until the date?
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I'm sure there are some current events you could talk about...
 
Omegasquash said:
Sometimes life gets in the way, and it sounds like your assessment is right. If this relationship is something that you really want to pursue, then tell her how you feel. If she gets defensive, then I think you know what options that you have in front of you.

And do not ask or let her move in with you. Don't. Do. It. Unless she straightens up for real, not just acts happy and blows you.
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I have cameout and just said look youre bumming me the fuck out all the time. It's no fun being around you when you act like this. My friends say stuff when we go out about how youre in a such a bad mood and look like such a sour puss.

This will knock her out of it a day or two but then something "awful" happens and back to it again.

I mean I love the girl but its just so frustrating.
 
So after like 8 months without talking I messaged my ex on facebook and she saw it but hasn't responded, this was two days ago. So I'm assuming she's just gonna ignore it. Sucks, cause I'd like to stay friends but doesn't seem like thats gonna happen. Contemplating defriending her :/
 
bucknuticus said:
I have cameout and just said look youre bumming me the fuck out all the time. It's no fun being around you when you act like this. My friends say stuff when we go out about how youre in a such a bad mood and look like such a sour puss.

This will knock her out of it a day or two but then something "awful" happens and back to it again.

I mean I love the girl but its just so frustrating.
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Yeah...I know that feel. If you're finding that the relationship is more frustrating then it is love, then that really sucks. If your friends are talking about it, she knows people look at her like this and she's not taking active steps to get herself better, she may be generally depressed, but I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis.

If she's just a pessimistic person it could be jealousy. That's been known to happen. Either way, it doesn't sound like you're at a breakup point just from the tone of the bolded. Don't let it get there by tolerating BS. Depression and bad outlooks are contagious.
 
gazele said:
So after like 8 months without talking I messaged my ex on facebook and she saw it but hasn't responded, this was two days ago. So I'm assuming she's just gonna ignore it. Sucks, cause I'd like to stay friends but doesn't seem like thats gonna happen. Contemplating defriending her :/
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No...just nothing her. If you want to be friends, leave it as such. You can still block her posts and make her *pretty much* non-existent. Put it in her court and if there's nothing, then defriend. You made the move a bigger person would make, here.
 
gazele said:
So after like 8 months without talking I messaged my ex on facebook and she saw it but hasn't responded, this was two days ago. So I'm assuming she's just gonna ignore it. Sucks, cause I'd like to stay friends but doesn't seem like thats gonna happen. Contemplating defriending her :/
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That is 8 months due.
 
I read this thread all the time, but I think this is the first time that I'm actually writing in it.

This is about a long distance relationship. Just to make it clear from the beginning, we have no trust issues whatsoever, so worrying about one person cheating on the other is not the problem here.

So me and my girlfriend have been together for a little over a year. This September, she went to study abroad for two semesters, so it's been a little over two months now being away from each other. In the beginning, things were pretty good. Sure we missed each other, but that's only natural (and probably a good thing). However, over the last week or two, things have started to get weird. We don't talk on Skype as much as we used to, but this is not that big of a deal. However, when we actually do Skype, she has been kind of cold to me; not talking much and not being her normal happy and positive self. It kinda annoys me, because I know that she's not like that when she's with her friends. When I send her a message on Facebook, she doesn't respond when she reads them like she uses to, but instead waits a day or two. She blames all of this on being busy and tired lately, but I dunno... it takes 30 seconds to reply to a simple question.

The next part might sound weird, but bear with me. I know that the 'problem' is that recently she has been started to hang out with a lot of new people, and getting close to them. This happened once before, back in our home country. It seems like whenever she meets and gets close to a group of new people, they almost completely take over her life, and everything starts to be about them. When I told her this, she just replied that I should be happy that she is making new friends. I told her that I am happy for her, but I wish that she would have time over for me as well, and most importantly not act so cold and distant towards me.

Then she starts going on about that recently she's not thinking so much about me, because when she does she misses me too much. It just sounds like lame excuses to me, but I don't tell her this.

It has honestly gotten to the point where I am considering breaking up with her, because I can't stand the way she is treating me at the moment. I think it is completely disrespectful. Am I being unreasonable here? The only reason I probably won't is that I really do love her, and I really do see a future for us together, but I am worried that her feelings for me are starting to fade because of the physical distance between us.

I should also mention that it is almost always me that puts in the most effort in our relationship (trying to fix things when we're having a rough time and so on), and I am getting a little tired of it. It feels like she is taking me for granted.

Anyone have any (hopefully positive) experiences with long distance relationships? Would appreciate any advice.
 
I think I've fallen into the trap of overthinking things.

Wednesday, during pub trivia, she was making jokes about what she would get me for christmas and before we parted ways she was smiling and asking when she would see me again, etc. Her schedule is kind of the one that defines when we can do things since it's irregular so I told her to let me know when she's available to go to her favorite park, or we could do another movie night.

I texted her during the day on thursday to see if she was going to be working evening today and I didn't get a response until today. And that was after I came down with a cold today and told her this morning that it didn't matter since I'm sick and can't really do anything. She's also going to see Skyfall this evening so it wouldn't have happened any way.

So my brain goes crazy with stupid possibilities like "Why did it take her that long to respond, is she ignoring me for some reason?", "Would she even have bothered responding if I hadn't sent her the message about me being sick?", and "Who is she seeing this movie with, why didn't she tell me about it?"

Logically, she didn't respond because she was probably at work where she can't really be on her phone and wouldn't have seen any messages until today, or any number of other reasons really. And she's probably seeing the movie with friends because between working evenings, and seeing me, she hasn't had a lot of evenings free for friends. And obviously there's no requirement for her to tell me what she's doing every day. Oh, and I have no reason to distrust her or anything.

How do I stop my brain from being dumb as hell?
 
NeOak said:
Her attitude is an indication that she lost interest in the relationship, and she may not be cheating yet but someone picked her interest.
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The weird thing is though, she is coming back home over Christmas, which she is really looking forward to. She keeps counting down the days until we can meet. I am still giving her the benefit of the doubt, and think that she's just not realizing that her actions right now can have bigger consequences than she thinks, and that she is just trying to make the most of her stay abroad. She is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships (I am her first boyfriend), which has shown time and time again.
 
rooflapimp said:
Anyone have any (hopefully positive) experiences with long distance relationships? Would appreciate any advice.
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When is she returning?

If you are positive of your commitments to each other, then I wouldn't do anything irrational as breaking-up with her while she's still abroad. It really does seem like being in a new place, meeting new people, and making new experiences is her priority at this point. And what she says could very well be truth; that giving you more attention than she currently is is too much for her. It's a bit selfish, but that's just the way it is sometimes.

At any point during her abroad studies, are you planning on visiting her (or is she returning for holiday)?
 
rooflapimp said:
The weird thing is though, she is coming back home over Christmas, which she is really looking forward to. She keeps counting down the days until we can meet. I am still giving her the benefit of the doubt, and think that she's just not realizing that her actions right now can have bigger consequences than she thinks, and that she is just trying to make the most of her stay abroad. She is very inexperienced when it comes to relationships (I am her first boyfriend), which has shown time and time again.
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Still, if you are interested in someone, you show it. She may be counting the days to come back for other things such as family.

She is treating you like shit and yet you make her your priority, which means that she can keep doing it and you'll still be there. You are enabling this piss poor attitude of her with you.

Someone please link this man clubsfan23's post about investment and behavior. I'm posting from my phone.
 
NeOak said:
Still, if you are interested in someone, you show it. She may be counting the days to come back for other things such as family.

She is treating you like shit and yet you make her your priority, which means that she can keep doing it and you'll still be there. You are enabling this piss poor attitude of her with you.

Someone please link this man clubsfan23's post about investment and behavior. I'm posting from my phone.
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Done, here.
 
rooflapimp said:
Anyone have any (hopefully positive) experiences with long distance relationships? Would appreciate any advice.
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Unfortunately out of sight out of mind is just part of the human condition--we learn to cope without others that we deeply love, and just tend to move on. She probably still has feelings for you though, so I wouldn't be too hasty.

The most important thing is to address this in a way that's open minded. Ask her if she's just feeling like she's looking for something else, or wants a break.

Although breaks tend to not work, in cases like these they can, where a gal is away for a signifcant period but WILL be back, knowing that when she gets back she wants to come back to the stability and comfort of the relationship you had. In which case you both acknowledge you want to revisit it when she returns, but you both get to go back to the drawing board and see if something better is out there--and if there is then it wasn't meant to be, and if there isn't it just reconfirms the fact that you should be together.

Doesn't work most of the time but worth considering.
 
Thanks for the advice guys. I know that I am giving her too much attention, it's a fault of mine. I think will wait until Christmas and see what happens. It seems pretty irrational to break up with her when we will meet so soon. However, I'm not gonna give her the attention anymore. I'll let her initiate any contact from now on.
 
Perspicacity said:
Just realize that there is nothing you can/should say or do to influence the situation at the moment. Just be cool brotha.
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Thinking cool thoughts. Although I do want to see her at some point this weekend. First weekend I've had free in 3 weeks. Depends of course on how annoying this illness becomes.
 
rooflapimp said:
Thanks for the advice guys. I know that I am giving her too much attention, it's a fault of mine. I think will wait until Christmas and see what happens. It seems pretty irrational to break up with her when we will meet so soon. However, I'm not gonna give her the attention anymore. I'll let her initiate any contact from now on.
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Well my only recommendation here would be to EASE your contact downward.

If you've been giving her too much contact/attention, suddenly just dropping it could also give her a negative message. Like you're pissed off or something.

I would just suggest gradually decreasing, not just suddenly going "ok, I'll just let her talk to ME now."
 
So things cooled down with that girl I was talking to and I figured she just wasn't that interested, but last night she drunk messaged me. I'm assuming this means there is at least a little interest.

Should I ask to get coffee some time now or wait a little longer?
 
hawkshockey11 said:
So things cooled down with that girl I was talking to and I figured she just wasn't that interested, but last night she drunk messaged me. I'm assuming this means there is at least a little interest.

Should I ask to get coffee some time now or wait a little longer?
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Give it more time to see what's her sober reaction to the texts. If you pursue her now you'll come as desperate since she gave you a borked signal. Let her mindfuck herself about it.
 
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