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FakeGAF 8: Overthirst

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Y

You Know Nothing

Member
tumblr_o1nl7lVzN31qbjb4zo1_540.jpg


me
 
W

WhereAreMahDragonz

Banned
Hello, friends. It’s been a while. What have you all been up to? Good things, I hope. Things are going great here. I’m still drinking a lot, I ate half a pizza tonight, I found someone who actually tolerates me for more than five seconds, and my black / green MTG deck is pretty fucking hardcore, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, it’s been too long since I last wanted to kill myself and drink myself into oblivion, and I’m bored, so I’ve decided to rectify that by returning to you with a drunk movie review. And hoo boy, this one is ESPECIALLY painful. It’s no 50 Shades of Grey, but it’s just as bad. In its own way.


Any guesses? No? Okay then.



9OgTHKM.png

Buckle in, boys and gals.


SPY KIDS. STARRING ANTONIO BANDERAS (who I share a birthday with. Slay me a bit, daddy) and a bunch of other people I don’t give two shits about. I’m sure a lot of you have already seen it. But have you seen it drunk? I don’t fucking think so. Prepare thy assholes, we’re goin’ in.

So, there’s this family, right? Totally normal family. Two kids, heterosexual parents (even though daddy is giving me gay latino vibes…whatever), a nice house, a nice cars. The daughter is named Carmen and the son is named…Juni? That’s such a dumb fucking name. Whatever. All you need to know is that the dad is a fucking babe and Carmen is my spirit animal.


d5LXBz1.png

Basically the face I made throughout this entire fucking thing.


Anyway, Carmen and Juni are getting ready for bed. Mom’s walking around picking up laundry or some shit, and there’s a polar bear on Carmen’s bed? What the fuck even is this? What TEN YEAR OLD SLEEPS WITH A GIANT POLAR BEAR?
……okay, I’m pretty sure I had a stuffed animal that size when I was a wee lass, but that’s besides the fucking point. Leave me alone.
.


The kids ask their mom to tell them a bedtime story about two spies that fell in love. FORESHADOWING!! The gist of it was that one spy was trying to kill the other, but they fell in love…whatever, it’s really fucking dumb, but did you expect anything less? Basically they were out to kill each other and then realized they were both really fucking hot and should probably bang at some point, so they dated and secret and eventually popped out the two little cretins that would soon ruin my soul, and not in the good way. The kids think the story sucks and their mom tells them to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. Like a good parent. Yikes, I should never have kids.


lmXhbEj.png

Accurate representation of me in ten years.


Can we take a moment to talk about how fucking hot Antonio Banderas’ voice / accent is? Holy shit. I nutted no less and fourteen times everytime he had a line. I’m gonna call him Daddy from now on.

Once the kids have been soundly knocked the fuck out, mom and Daddy open up their super secret spy computers in the living room and omg, they’ve been spying on their kids! Juni has no friends (shocker) and Carmen skips school. While they’re swapping notes, something pops up on Daddy’s computer, mom asks what it is and he, being the master of subterfuge that he is, goes “uhh…nothing…” Smooth, man. Real smooth.

medWa4D.png

"Nope. No porn here. Just...normal...spy stuff...totally...


The kids apparently do exercises every morning, like spy training shit, which seems a little…abusive? But who am I to judge. The kids go to school and they’re watching some freaky ass show called…Floop’s Fooglies? There are people with thumbs for heads. Carmen and Juni do some childlike mimicry shit that starts to give me PTSD from my childhood, so I go get another drink.


CHl3THQ.png

I know that feel, Carmen. My brother is a shithead, too.


So, apparently mom and Daddy have an ex spy friend who’s gone missing. And on the show, there’s a guy who kinda looks like him, but he’s all freaky lookin’ and shit. Daddy gets suspicious, obviously! What a good spy! He also almost runs over an old lady but that’s besides the point.

So that Floop guy? He lives in a giant fucking castle in the middle of the ocean. Apparently he’s been taking secret agents and making them fugly and wiping their minds. He’s honestly a really fucking pathetic villain but did you honestly expect anything else? He’s got these minions that are called…Thumb Thumbs. I want to fucking scream this is sostupidwhydidIdothistomyselffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff


6h3x7GT.png

Like, I appreciate a good fingering as much as the next person, but this is taking it a bit too far, Spy Kids.


Floop’s also been making robot kids that look just like their real life counterparts AND CAN TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! They’re also called…wait for it….SPY KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daddy accepts a mission to go rescue the fugly spies from Floop. Mom wants to go too but he’s all “a woman’s place is with the children!!!111!!!” but she seduces him and you can basically feel his boner through the computer screen. Wasn’t this supposed to be a kids movie? Alas. Mom and Daddy go on the mission while the kids stay with their quirky Uncle Felix.

Mom and Daddy embark on the mission. Their car turns into a fucking submarine and the zoom through the ocean, but something starts following them! A chase scene with really shitty CGI ensues, I weep tears of blood, and then they run into a giant spaceship underwater or some shit and get caught.

MEANWHILE, back at the house, Carmen and Juni are fucking around as per usual, when some kind of alarm goes off. Uncle Felix is all “I’m not your actual uncle lol your parents are spies” and the kids kinda shit themselves. They peace out of the house via a secret passageway, but not before Uncle Felix gets caught and the kids have to leave on their own in some fish lookin’ boat thing. A boat chase ensues. Do the kids realize they’re being chased by thumbs? I wonder….


FXpkpuF.png

Wow, when did Titanic get this fucking lame? I mean, it's always been kinda lame, but at least Leo and Kate were hot af back in the day.



The ship auto pilots them to a safehouse that’s super fuckin’ swanky and way too cool for two snot nosed kids. Carmen makes a McDonald’s Big Mac out of an MRE (lol) and they mope a bit about their missing parents. Gag, parents. Who needs ‘em, anyway?

Speaking of parents, Mom and Daddy managed to escape their very high tech bonds (it’s rope) and go to explore Floop’s castle. They get into some freaky shit, and not the kind that we got in 50 Shades of Grey. They get caught again and have a weird ass dinner with Floop and his freak finger minions. There’s something about research being destroyed…and Floop wants it for whatever reason…anyway it’s fuckin’ dumb. He turns Uncle Felix into the weirdest fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life as leverage.

yj0qQnl.png

Hey, Jake! I didn't know they used your face as a character model in this movie!


Daddy gets taken prisoner again because he was on the original research team. NOOOOOOOOO, ANYTHING BUT DADDYYYYYYYYYYY.

Switch back to the kids (jesus fucking Christ this movie jumps around a lot)….they’re playing with spy gadgets and are not wearing leather suits and are learning how to be spies. Juni knocks himself out when he tries to unhandcuff himself from a lunchbox…I’m sorry but I straight up laughed.

But as the kids are doing this, there’s a KNOCK AT THE DOOR. WHO COULD IT BE?

FIND OUT IN PART TWO.
 
D

Deleted member 10571

Unconfirmed Member
Morning guys. I'm in a weirdly good mood, no idea why. Its just another regular boring nothing-happens-at-all sunday :)

Oh right josh: regarding that facebook post: I was saying how i googled the person after which my future street address is named by, and she apparently was a jewish teacher who did a TON of amazing stuff, then got deported and killed by the Nazis 'cause she's a jew. Kids loved her and her classes, she brought a meal to school every day for one kid who had a troubled home. Kinda bummed me out and also made me very humble and appreciative that I'd live in a street named by her, in a weird way.
 
N

Nomadic Sparks

Banned
I never thought I was actually going to survive my HS/factory days :I

30 years old, man.

I still hate children

btw gooooood christ YKN is younger then me what in the actual fuck..
 
N

Nomadic Sparks

Banned
A Fish Aficionado said:
Gold Bond.
Click to expand...

Yes I do buy this because my feet get semi sweaty feeling after awhile.

omg so old ;_; I remember when I was supposed to be the future of America ;_;

Haven't been arrested or have gotten any little ones running around, so I'm doing okay compared to most of my classmates trapped in this town.

goddamn I can't imagine raising children on my SSI benefits and minimum wage jesus be xanax
 
L

liliththepale

Banned
I got a letter in the mail from the family of my soon to be sister in law. They're very politely and strongly asking that I don't have any unnatural hair dye for the duration of the wedding. I feel like this is an unfair request since they are probably not asking the same of anyone who bleaches or dyes red. Am I just too tired and/or close to this to see clearly?

FWIW I was maid of honor at my best friend's wedding last year and they had no issues.
 
T

Transhuman

Unconfirmed Member
liliththepale said:
I got a letter in the mail from the family of my soon to be sister in law. They're very politely and strongly asking that I don't have any unnatural hair dye for the duration of the wedding. I feel like this is an unfair request since they are probably not asking the same of anyone who bleaches or dyes red. Am I just too tired and/or close to this to see clearly?

FWIW I was maid of honor at my best friend's wedding last year and they had no issues.
Click to expand...

Ask your sister in law whether she cares. Then send a polite
and condescending
message back to her parents if she doesn't care, and I can't see why she would.

Old people are weird
 
M

Misha

Banned
liliththepale said:
I got a letter in the mail from the family of my soon to be sister in law. They're very politely and strongly asking that I don't have any unnatural hair dye for the duration of the wedding. I feel like this is an unfair request since they are probably not asking the same of anyone who bleaches or dyes red. Am I just too tired and/or close to this to see clearly?

FWIW I was maid of honor at my best friend's wedding last year and they had no issues.
Click to expand...

Theres no situation where having colored hair is detrimental to anything. Id ask you brother and future sister-in-law though cause its their wedding not their family's.
 
N

Nomadic Sparks

Banned
Ich weiß nicht einmal den Unterschied zwischen Quebecois französisch und europäischen Französisch. Ich weiß nicht einmal den Unterschied zwischen belgischen und Französisch. Ich weiß auch nicht den Unterschied zwischen Portugiesisch und Spanisch. Sie Chilenen auch Spanisch sprechen? Haben sie ihre eigene Version von Spanisch? Englisch ist mein Gehirn so tief verwurzelt, mein Gehirn hat Probleme mit Spanisch im Allgemeinen. Es ist seltsam, wie Englisch und Spanisch fast die gleiche sturcture haben aber dann Schwalbenschwänze und es ist verdammt seltsam Mann.
 
S

Symphonia

Banned
liliththepale said:
I got a letter in the mail from the family of my soon to be sister in law. They're very politely and strongly asking that I don't have any unnatural hair dye for the duration of the wedding. I feel like this is an unfair request since they are probably not asking the same of anyone who bleaches or dyes red. Am I just too tired and/or close to this to see clearly?

FWIW I was maid of honor at my best friend's wedding last year and they had no issues.
Click to expand...
I'd ask your brother and sister-in-law what they think, as it's their wedding, not your sister-in-law's family's. The colour of your hair should have no impact on the wedding at all, though, and I'd find it almost offensive to be asked to dye my hair to 'fit in' at their wedding.
 
N

Nomadic Sparks

Banned
Я хотел бы выучить русский и японский, но мой мозг не столь эластичен, как это должно быть. Аутизм сосет Bros.

Я только что прочитал мой пост, и мои глаза просто потускнели, почему?
 
Y

You Know Nothing

Member
Nomadic Sparks said:
Putain mon cerveau autiste terrible, je ne me rappelle rien de mon espagnol de classe 1 au lycée et je suis en utilisant Google Translate. Je voudrais être aussi chic que vous
Click to expand...

My autistic brain is terrible, I can't remember anything from my Spanish class 1 in high school. I am using Google Translate. I would also like to be chic like you.

That's the best my drunken ass can do.
 
L

liliththepale

Banned
Misha said:
Theres no situation where having colored hair is detrimental to anything. Id ask you brother and future sister-in-law though cause its their wedding not their family's.
Click to expand...

Transhuman said:
Ask your sister in law whether she cares. Then send a polite
and condescending
message back to her parents if she doesn't care, and I can't see why she would.

Old people are weird
Click to expand...

Yeah. I'm going to do that in the morning. But these are the same kind of people who call everything "a phase" as a way to dismiss things they don't understand or don't agree with. And yeah, I know it's not their wedding, but they're the ones financing the whole affair and I've never done something to insult them before, so this seems like a poor time to start.

I wish they had asked me about it in person so I could talk to them about it. Maybe they'll want to go to brunch tomorrow.
 
T

Transhuman

Unconfirmed Member
liliththepale said:
YAnd yeah, I know it's not their wedding, but they're the ones financing the whole affair and I've never done something to insult them before, so this seems like a poor time to start.
Click to expand...

Shave your head. That'd really fuck with them.

tumblr_mhl4bzoytv1ruzac6o1_500.jpg
 
J

jb1234

Member
Bufbaf said:
Oh right josh: regarding that facebook post: I was saying how i googled the person after which my future street address is named by, and she apparently was a jewish teacher who did a TON of amazing stuff, then got deported and killed by the Nazis 'cause she's a jew. Kids loved her and her classes, she brought a meal to school every day for one kid who had a troubled home. Kinda bummed me out and also made me very humble and appreciative that I'd live in a street named by her, in a weird way.
Click to expand...

That's a cool story, dude. :)

My Pride night was... well, not great. It started out alright. I loved seeing all the people out, the parade, the park. I got hugged by a random lesbian! But the super crowded dive gay bars where you can't hear yourself think, you can't move and people keep bumping into you? No. No no no. And there were two of them. I was pretty much shut down by the end of the evening and the people I was with knew it. I apparently made a couple of bad first impressions, which really bums me out. It's just not my scene.

I don't know if I'll go back out tomorrow. That's the main parade but I'm feeling pretty peopled out right now. Maybe I'll feel differently after I sleep.
 
N

Nomadic Sparks

Banned
You Know Nothing said:
My autistic brain is terrible, I can't remember anything from my Spanish class 1 in high school. I am using Google Translate. I would also like to be chic like you.

That's the best my drunken ass can do.
Click to expand...

Gotdamn even when YKN is lit he can nail translation

[clickbait article]Is YKN the Dr. House of French Translation?[/clickbait article]
 
M

Misha

Banned
liliththepale said:
Yeah. I'm going to do that in the morning. But these are the same kind of people who call everything "a phase" as a way to dismiss things they don't understand or don't agree with. And yeah, I know it's not their wedding, but they're the ones financing the whole affair and I've never done something to insult them before, so this seems like a poor time to start.

I wish they had asked me about it in person so I could talk to them about it. Maybe they'll want to go to brunch tomorrow.
Click to expand...

You aren't insulting them, they insulted you. Not that they would see it that way.

But the couple's wishes might be enough to override that anyway or maybe even convince you to be okay with it. Definitely the most important thing so far
 
L

liliththepale

Banned
jb1234 said:
That's a cool story, dude. :)

My Pride night was... well, not great. It started out alright. I loved seeing all the people out, the parade, the park. I got hugged by a random lesbian! But the super crowded dive gay bars where you can't hear yourself think, you can't move and people keep bumping into you? No. No no no. And there were two of them. I was pretty much shut down by the end of the evening and the people I was with knew it. I apparently made a couple of bad first impressions, which really bums me out. It's just not my scene.

I don't know if I'll go back out tomorrow. That's the main parade but I'm feeling pretty peopled out right now. Maybe I'll feel differently after I sleep.
Click to expand...

I'm glad you gave it a try at least. I hope you feel better in the morning :)

Transhuman said:
Shave your head. That'd really fuck with them.

tumblr_mhl4bzoytv1ruzac6o1_500.jpg
Click to expand...

Hahaha. Yeah. I'm not trying to antagonize them, or else I'd go full Cressida on them.


Misha said:
You aren't insulting them, they insulted you. Not that they would see it that way.

But the couple's wishes might be enough to override that anyway or maybe even convince you to be okay with it. Definitely the most important thing so far
Click to expand...

That's a good way to look at it. Hmm.

I don't know. Maybe I'll feel less insulted in the morning.
 
L

Lucian Cat

Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
liliththepale said:
I got a letter in the mail from the family of my soon to be sister in law. They're very politely and strongly asking that I don't have any unnatural hair dye for the duration of the wedding. I feel like this is an unfair request since they are probably not asking the same of anyone who bleaches or dyes red. Am I just too tired and/or close to this to see clearly?

FWIW I was maid of honor at my best friend's wedding last year and they had no issues.
Click to expand...
I'd tell them to go fuck themselves.
 
X

Xiao Hu

Member
Ok, It has been decided:

1 week North Vietnam. Hanoi, Halong Bay, beach and a new tattoo.
Then going back to Shanghai to fetch the replacement for my room.
2 weeks in Yunnan. Kunming, Shangrila, Dali, Tiger Leaping Gorge and loads of local cheeeeese.

I hate traveling alone but perhaps I can tag along with other backpackers since I won't reserve accommodation that in advance. Basically only the flight tickets will be fixed.

And then going home and resume my boring life in Germany....For what ever reason I will miss China somehow :/
 
M

Misha

Banned
liliththepale said:
That's a good way to look at it. Hmm.

I don't know. Maybe I'll feel less insulted in the morning.
Click to expand...

Not particularly useful for you but I can't stand family who think they're entitled to something because they gave you a gift. Unless you make it abundantly clear when you get into the situation, its abusive to suddenly attach strings to it. (note this is different for ongoing situations)
 
Y

You Know Nothing

Member
Xiao Hu said:
Ok, It has been decided:

1 week North Vietnam. Hanoi, Halong Bay, beach and a new tattoo.
Then going back to Shanghai to fetch the replacement for my room.
2 weeks in Yunnan. Kunming, Shangrila, Dali, Tiger Leaping Gorge and loads of local cheeeeese.

I hate traveling alone but perhaps I can tag along with other backpackers since I won't reserve accommodation that in advance. Basically only the flight tickets will be fixed.

And then going home and resume my boring life in Germany....For what ever reason I will miss China somehow :/
Click to expand...

Comfort yourself that you aren't in America.

Or the UK.
 
M

Misha

Banned
Post that I made about abuse relating to parents and weight and self image: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=208372084&postcount=15

Probably could write a lot more about it


You know this is the first time that I actually realized that I'm probably too hard on myself for appearance. Need to keep up hygiene of course but its all "I would look good IF I were thin" and it feels liked I need fixed and simply can't be. Like that always made logical sense but I can actually see now how its probably irrational
 
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