Pretty much this. Going to the cops should be a last resort in this case. Honestly the guy didn't even seemingly threaten her so proving it was rape is going to be insanely difficult.
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I need advice on how to handle my little sister's situation
- Thread starter Mariolee
- Start date
Pretty much this. Going to the cops should be a last resort in this case. Honestly the guy didn't even seemingly threaten her so proving it was rape is going to be insanely difficult.
She's 15 and he's 18, so factually this was statutory rape.
DiipuSurotu
Banned
If this guy isn't stopped, he will go around raping other girls.
I guess the question becomes whether it would be worth the headache of going after him for statutory rape.
Sunster
Member
all we can do is speculate because none of us know what she wants.
superdeluxe
Member
that doesn't change the age on consent
There is flexibility if it's less than 3-4 years, depending upon your state
Regardless if it is statutory or not, the biggest key is that the OP is there for his sister 100%, which sounds like he is.
Well this girl says she was pressured and didn't want to have sex, so yes going after this perpetrator in the abstract is worthwhile. The question that the OP and his sister have to wrestle with is if it's worth it to them. And only she can make that decision.
Feeling pressured and being threatened are too very different things. That could just as easily refer to social pressure rather than anything physical. Was he intimidating her? From what I've read, him saying he's all ready to go isn't exactly threatening.
superdeluxe
Member
It doesn't matter in this case. If she did not want to have sex, and he pressured her into it through any means, he did something wrong and deserves to be punished for it, and her age makes the legality of that really straightforward.
But they live in California, so there is no question of the legal situation.
My point is her feeling pressured though doesn't mean that he necessarily pressured her into the act. She could have felt that it was expected of her due to her age or whathaveyou and simply made a bad decision.
superdeluxe
Member
True, but the age in California does determine severity of the crime, which is a misdemeanour since the gap was 3 years
Well we weren't there, but the OP's words (including her feeling pressure "in the moment") certainly imply he was the one pressuring her.
We actually don't know that, depends when his and her birthdays are.
Iorv3th
Member
I think the most imnportant thing you can do is talk to your sister about it and support her in changing habits. She shouldn't be talking to the guy and giving him information of when to come over or pick her up if she doesn't want to be with him.
Unless she does?
But if she's feeling pressured you need to let her know that it's ok to go to a teacher or counselor or someone at school to get away from him if she needs to.
My sister was caught up with a bad guy and no ammount of telling her he was bad did anything to change her mind. My brother also beat the shit out of him and it did nothing. She ended up getting pregnant and seeing how shitty he was treating her and her kid then she left him.
Sometimes you can't do anything but be there for her when she does want help.
Unless she does?
But if she's feeling pressured you need to let her know that it's ok to go to a teacher or counselor or someone at school to get away from him if she needs to.
My sister was caught up with a bad guy and no ammount of telling her he was bad did anything to change her mind. My brother also beat the shit out of him and it did nothing. She ended up getting pregnant and seeing how shitty he was treating her and her kid then she left him.
Sometimes you can't do anything but be there for her when she does want help.
Master Of Illusion
Member
California looks to be one of the stricter states regarding that stuff. In New Jersey, there's a Romeo and Juliet clause of 4 years with no charges (age of consent here is 16 though). Knew a kid in high school who as a senior started dating a freshman; they got married four years later.
Don't know how I feel about this situation OP. Your sister could be masking her true feelings due to her upbringing, or the guy is a run-of-the-mill scumbag that wanted to fuck freshmen while he's still borderline-legal. Don't involve the cops, but keep an eye on the situation and perhaps have a word with the guy.
You like swords? Get one of these and have it out in the open during your "discussion" with the kid.
superdeluxe
Member
Well true I was going off the 15/18 number, but point granted
That doesn't give him rights to her body now.
CocaMantis
Member
OP, you should do this:
1)Fuck him up real bad.
2)Support your sister and be by her side.
3)Repeat 1.
1)Fuck him up real bad.
2)Support your sister and be by her side.
3)Repeat 1.
What does that accomplish at all? Not a damned thing...
Prevents his sister from experiencing more potential sexual assault. And maybe it teaches this guy an important lesson that protects other girls and prevents him from ruining his life by becoming a convicted sex offender.
It's actually probably not that bad of a way to handle the situation
It doesn't do any of what you just said, at all. It's one of the worst ways to handle the situation...
KoopaTheCasual
Junior Member
Dude, I'm getting heated just reading this and want to beat the shit out of this rapist-in-training.
Wait for the second test, but I would definitely threaten him. Sometimes getting through to pieces of shit is only possible through fear.
Wait for the second test, but I would definitely threaten him. Sometimes getting through to pieces of shit is only possible through fear.
- Guy presses charges and sues for damages
- OP puts his medical career in jeapordy
- Parents and school learn about the situation and make his sister's life hell
- Sister's peers take different sides and leaves her school and social life in disarray
- Sister potentially is asked to leave the school
What's the problem?
I do, but reacting negatively toward their own daughter in this situation would be especially villainous, and there is no other path forward that will get anyone involved closer to justice.
superdeluxe
Member
It depends on the difference of ages if it's a misdemeanour or felony
You're a smart man for showing restraint considering all the potential fallout but I want to fuck this dude up for you just because you won't. He's a piece of shit assuming your sister is telling the story the way you did. I'm the kind of hot head to act before I think so I know what I would have done but you may want to consider at least talking to the dude and giving him a stern warning to back off.
GameAddict411
Member
I don't think the OP's sister is entirely devoid of responsibility here - had they had sex once, I could totally believe the older guy had pressured her into it. But having sex in her own house? After feeling guilty/pressured the first time? I can't say I know what its like to be in a situation like this but that just seems like really, really bad decision making.
That said, if she is 14/15 and he's 18 (which i presume since he's a senior), thats statutory rape and it is serious.
This is a fair point, and serves as a counter to what I said above. Like I said, its hard for me to relate (being a guy), but a young girl being pressured into repeatedly escalating situations does sound plausible, but shitty. Here I agree that the OP should strike to teach her better decision making and particularly that her saying "no" is final and not up to discussion, nor is it at all wrong for her to say it.
Thats not the issue. They would be mad at first, but understand the emotional trauma my sister has been through and take her side. However, they would direct that anger fully towards the boy and take him to the police or court and drag this whole thing out.
They also might faint or get a stroke to be quite frank considering the immense stress thats on them at the moment just with other things going on in our lives.
So yeah, please don't drag my parents' image through the mud GAF. They're good people.
The fact that there are adults that don't get this astonishes and horrifies me. My god.
I'm the older brother to a sister 3 years younger than me. When she was 14/15 she had some issues with guys. Whenever I'd talk to her about it, I'd always boil everything down to two questions:
"What do you want to do?" and
"What do you want me to do?"
The answers to these questions were usually "I don't know" and "Nothing" but working through them helped her a lot.
My common advice was "Don't let dudes pressure you into doing stuff you don't want to, and if a dude does that once don't put yourself in a position where he can do it again, and tell people about him - call him out." Then I told her that if she was ever in that kind of situation to call me immediately. She called me three times between the ages 14-16 - only once was she really in trouble but I was there to bail her out. She made it safely through her teenage years happily enough in the end, happily married in her 30s now.
But ultimately, OP, you need to wait for the test to come back and then find out what outcome your sister wants. It all boils down to that. If she wants to be protected from this guy, do that. If she doesn't, then it sounds like she ultimately wants this relationship in all its shitty shades of grey with the sexual contact included, and is afraid to admit that to you. And if she was my sister, I'd let her go make those mistakes if I believed she was consenting to them. If not, I'd go sort the dude out.
"What do you want to do?" and
"What do you want me to do?"
The answers to these questions were usually "I don't know" and "Nothing" but working through them helped her a lot.
My common advice was "Don't let dudes pressure you into doing stuff you don't want to, and if a dude does that once don't put yourself in a position where he can do it again, and tell people about him - call him out." Then I told her that if she was ever in that kind of situation to call me immediately. She called me three times between the ages 14-16 - only once was she really in trouble but I was there to bail her out. She made it safely through her teenage years happily enough in the end, happily married in her 30s now.
But ultimately, OP, you need to wait for the test to come back and then find out what outcome your sister wants. It all boils down to that. If she wants to be protected from this guy, do that. If she doesn't, then it sounds like she ultimately wants this relationship in all its shitty shades of grey with the sexual contact included, and is afraid to admit that to you. And if she was my sister, I'd let her go make those mistakes if I believed she was consenting to them. If not, I'd go sort the dude out.
Finally a reasonable response.
What the fuck is going on with the rest of you guys? Looking for violence and revenge? We don't live in the Middle Ages anymore.
There's a conversation to held with the little sister. Unfortunately teenage girls are pressured all the time and not only by boys around her age but also by the family, specially strict religious families. I'm not going to question the words of the girl, but it is very important she can communicate to someone to whom she feels she can speak freely and without fear, like another woman, be it a doctor, a good friend, etc.
HamsterPackage
Member
This right here. What I got from the OP is now she's scared she could be pregnant and trying to shift blame on this dude. ( Or he's a rapist)
So much of the OP sounds like stuff you wouldn't normally know. It just sounds so bizarre that she'd tell all of this to you in detail.
Encourage her to tell the same things to someone else who can help.
But as far as your beliefs on abortion go, this is one of the situations where it is particularly important to understand that it is an option.
.
Encourage her to tell the same things to someone else who can help.
But as far as your beliefs on abortion go, this is one of the situations where it is particularly important to understand that it is an option.
.
There is a right way to go about this. It should be mostly obvious. You should do that.
If you can do that, you're a better person than me. As someone with 2 sisters, just trying to imagine myself in that situation get my blood pumping. He would get an unexpected visit.
If you can do that, you're a better person than me. As someone with 2 sisters, just trying to imagine myself in that situation get my blood pumping. He would get an unexpected visit.
So just to give a quick update as to how I'm going about this.
I am waiting until Thursday for the second pregnancy test before moving forward.
Until then, my little sister has finals this week so I've been studying with her and using it to get her mind off things. Also making a lot more jokes and being lighthearted just so she isn't overly stressed out about this, but not too lighthearted to the point where it's weird and it seems I'm trying too hard.
Assuming the test is negative, on Thursday I'm going to reach out to the boy and schedule a meet up place probably at a Starbucks with a few isolated seats where we can talk. I'm not taking "no" for an answer for whether or not we're having this talk. During this time, before I say anything I'm going to let him air out his side of the story (in the case that he sheds new light on the story that would indicate my sister is unfairly shifting blame), and I will slightly tailor my following response based on what he says.
Basically I will tell him that what he has conducted is statutory rape and that if he ever ever texts my little sister, meets with her, or reaches out in any way I will without hesitation call the police and tell them everything that's happened. In the unlikely case, I somehow ever find out he's also doing this peer pressuring to another girl, I will also call the police. I don't want him doing this shit to anyone ever again. Based on what my sister has told me, dude is scared enough about this whole thing that he should listen to what I say. Just a slimy senior trying to lose his V-card before college by pressuring a freshman girl. If he tries to start shit and fight, I'll have a buddy of mine nearby to help me restrain him and calm him down. I'm not looking to fight anyone.
---
Now to answer some frequently asked questions.
When and why did she tell me this? She told me this morning after I noted she was failing in two of her classes, and she quietly mentioned she was stressed about things I didn't know. After prodding her a bit, she opened up. I'm a no-nonsense person with a relatively calm mind when it comes to stressful situations, so she opened up to me so fully because to a certain extent she trusted me when I said I would help her with no judgements.
Why not just beat him up? The only pro I can see from this is maybe intimidating him and getting my frustrations out. The cons include hurting someone my sister doesn't want me to hurt, making this possibly a public thing as word gets out I beat him up because he fucked my sister and she gets more embarassed, I get my medical school acceptance revoked due to the altercation, my parents find out and are eternally ashamed of both me and my sister, this ends up going to court and authorities get involved, etc. Like someone else said, this is not a Hollywood movie where your actions don't have real life consequences.
Talk to her and make her feel OK. I have, I had a long emotional talk with her when she told me. I let her know that she shouldn't be ashamed of sex as it is a normal thing that many people do in high school. The only issue is the context of that sex, and if he pressured her into it. She doesn't owe anyone her body. She has agency. She can get an abortion if she so chooses (but on her own accord she adamantly refuses). I also understand the fears she has about this getting out to parents, school faculty, etc. so I let her know I am completely in tune with what she wants, and to give her some semblance of control I am letting her know everything I am doing before I do it. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm waiting for her permission, but only that she has time to give her input before I do something that could jeopardize her. I held and hugged her while she cried this morning. She knows I have her back.
I am waiting until Thursday for the second pregnancy test before moving forward.
Until then, my little sister has finals this week so I've been studying with her and using it to get her mind off things. Also making a lot more jokes and being lighthearted just so she isn't overly stressed out about this, but not too lighthearted to the point where it's weird and it seems I'm trying too hard.
Assuming the test is negative, on Thursday I'm going to reach out to the boy and schedule a meet up place probably at a Starbucks with a few isolated seats where we can talk. I'm not taking "no" for an answer for whether or not we're having this talk. During this time, before I say anything I'm going to let him air out his side of the story (in the case that he sheds new light on the story that would indicate my sister is unfairly shifting blame), and I will slightly tailor my following response based on what he says.
Basically I will tell him that what he has conducted is statutory rape and that if he ever ever texts my little sister, meets with her, or reaches out in any way I will without hesitation call the police and tell them everything that's happened. In the unlikely case, I somehow ever find out he's also doing this peer pressuring to another girl, I will also call the police. I don't want him doing this shit to anyone ever again. Based on what my sister has told me, dude is scared enough about this whole thing that he should listen to what I say. Just a slimy senior trying to lose his V-card before college by pressuring a freshman girl. If he tries to start shit and fight, I'll have a buddy of mine nearby to help me restrain him and calm him down. I'm not looking to fight anyone.
---
Now to answer some frequently asked questions.
When and why did she tell me this? She told me this morning after I noted she was failing in two of her classes, and she quietly mentioned she was stressed about things I didn't know. After prodding her a bit, she opened up. I'm a no-nonsense person with a relatively calm mind when it comes to stressful situations, so she opened up to me so fully because to a certain extent she trusted me when I said I would help her with no judgements.
Why not just beat him up? The only pro I can see from this is maybe intimidating him and getting my frustrations out. The cons include hurting someone my sister doesn't want me to hurt, making this possibly a public thing as word gets out I beat him up because he fucked my sister and she gets more embarassed, I get my medical school acceptance revoked due to the altercation, my parents find out and are eternally ashamed of both me and my sister, this ends up going to court and authorities get involved, etc. Like someone else said, this is not a Hollywood movie where your actions don't have real life consequences.
Talk to her and make her feel OK. I have, I had a long emotional talk with her when she told me. I let her know that she shouldn't be ashamed of sex as it is a normal thing that many people do in high school. The only issue is the context of that sex, and if he pressured her into it. She doesn't owe anyone her body. She has agency. She can get an abortion if she so chooses (but on her own accord she adamantly refuses). I also understand the fears she has about this getting out to parents, school faculty, etc. so I let her know I am completely in tune with what she wants, and to give her some semblance of control I am letting her know everything I am doing before I do it. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm waiting for her permission, but only that she has time to give her input before I do something that could jeopardize her. I held and hugged her while she cried this morning. She knows I have her back.
travisbickle
Member
I'd be very surprised if the test was wrong, but if it's been a month has she not had her period?
If it should be around now, her current pains could be a delayed period due to stress.
If it should be around now, her current pains could be a delayed period due to stress.
BobbeMalle
Member
She obviously has some feelings for him and she's trying to hide it, due to your family's beliefs and her school.
The guys sounds like a dirtbag, but that doesn't mean he forced himself on her and you shouldn't call him a rapist based only on her confused story.
You need to understand if she wanted to refuse but felt mentally obligated or if she's just feeling ashamed of what she did with that idiot.
Hope it all turns out ok in the end.
The guys sounds like a dirtbag, but that doesn't mean he forced himself on her and you shouldn't call him a rapist based only on her confused story.
You need to understand if she wanted to refuse but felt mentally obligated or if she's just feeling ashamed of what she did with that idiot.
Hope it all turns out ok in the end.
Apparently her period was a week late, but she did have it. That's why I'm fairly confident she's not pregnant. However, she's freaking out and has read online there could be things that look like periods but are not like some sort of slight internal bleeding due to the pregnancy and can trick you into thinking you're not pregnant.
She's fairly paranoid right now which is why she wants that second pregnancy test.